Wednesday, August 31, 2016
sigh
i cant seem to escape the triggers this week..i cant seem to escape my head..my impulsive habits are increasing and im not sure i even have the energy to care..as long as i am not dead right ?? that is the only thing that is truly cared about..i get up and go to work.do what i need..come home ..do what i need..and go to bed..every day..if i didnt show up would the world end ?? my head hurts..my chest hurts..my arms carry my screams of pain..but no one sees..its starting to get cooler again..i want to cool weather..it was mistake to find and have my razors..im sick daily now..with no end in sight..i guess i got what i wanted...i have been reminded that i am hated and worthless..and nothing will ever be different. ill go to bed soon i guess. i have a headache
frustration
i dont feel like im being listened to or taking seriously and it is frustrating and just very frustrating and i dont like feeling like i am not being taken seriously..i really really dont...so i go back to hiding in silence..i dont feel like there is a need to say anything when i am not being heard..so i go back to before..and exist without existing..move without moving..live without noticing..i see no point in anything else. do enough and let the other shit go i guess..right ?!
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
...
just struggling this morning..a lot..i dont think i slept well last night .. i dont know what to do or what i want to do or any of that..i want to ignore my head and my thinking ..and i cant even do that ..
Monday, August 29, 2016
today...brain drain
right now mt entire body hurts :( im trying to lay still but anything and everything is setting it off...i know i am feeling tense which isnt helping things but i also know that getting sick yesterday has caused a lot of soreness and i feel like my body wants to just fall apart...
so im in pain right now and just want to sleep but instead i am up thinking. i had a very interesting session with anita today..and my mind is once again going all over the place...
we did talk about the meet up thing and how that went and she said she was proud of me ... we did the usual updates and things and then we talked about eating and making friends sorta and things ...and i am left thinking way to much about things...i took an anxiety med just to get myself to calm down and not panic... so yeah ...
what i remember most ..and im paraphrasing here..so..
the child who made all those coping skills is not the adult you are now. the adult now just cant let go of the childs coping skills..
talk about a brain stopper! i truly think that my brain stopped working for a bit after hearing that one..its such a loaded statement..and true in ways too...the stuff that worked for me as a kid and as a young adult..no longer work the same now...i keep trying ..i keep going back to them..and every time i am disappointed that i can not reach that same empty feeling where nothing matters..but letting them go fully terrifies me..i dont know who i am without them..i dont know how to cope ... ok so maybe that last bit isnt completely true..i can cope ... i just fall immediately into the negative coping skills..and end up no better than when i started... my mind keeps throwing this around ..i want to analyze it..i want to break it apart and see what becomes of it.. maybe i just need to acknowledge that i am truly an adult and not a kid anymore...i wrote a little about it on facebook and one of the responses said "its safer being an adult" and i kept rereading it becuase my first thought was no its not...its safer being a kid...kids are protected..they are taken care of..they are loved...obviously my own little magical world supplied the answers to that statement because if im being logical i know that is not always the case ..and that makes me really really sad... i wasnt protected back then and i dont know how to protect myself now...i neeed someone else to do it...i want someone else to do it..and it goes back to truly wanting a mother...and that need not being filled..and i just feel sad..
with the eating though things are a little bit different...and today while we were talking i was trying to think about it all..and i was thinking long term stuff..past stuff..not current stuff..and i know having to give up gluten was the trigger..and it has just grown from there..and i had forgotten about that..because when i did that i was scared..and unsure of things..but messing with my eating is something i am familiar with..so taking stuff out was ok...but then it changed to being a punishment and even then i didnt realize that i was beginning to fall back into an old pattern of messing with my food...but it became im eating purely to get sick..im eating to stop thinking..im eating because im mad..its never about whether or not i actually want the food or if i even like the food or well enjoy it..its like eat as quickly as possible..overeat...feel sick..get sick..and then do it all over again..because if i am sick from eating and it is just my stomach not agreeing with something then its not really me doing it on purpose. maybe that is what it would look like to someone looking in..but i know that it is on purpose..it is to punish..to cause pain...to hurt..to zone out..to not think or feel..but right now i am acutely aware of my body and i hate it..the old thoughts and feelings of hating myself are hanging around..all centered around food..why do i have to eat..why cant i lose weight..why cant i be better..look better..be wanted...why why why..and i am reminded of just how deep the hate still goes...back when i was younger mommy wouldnt let me eat..so i ate when she wasnt around an then threw up so that she wouldnt yell at me..so i wouldnt be in trouble.. sometimes the thoughts centered around losing weight..i was positive i wasnt doing any harm because i caould stop and start it at will..i didnt do it all the time so it wasnt dangerous..this was my thinking it middle school..i guess i peg that as the time it kinda started..it may have been the tail end of elementary school ..i dont know..but being aware of my self was nothing that i liked..i was bullied i guess in school for a few reasons..i read alot..i had an accent..i was overweight..i didnt make friends easy..i dont think i really made friends at all..but i was always trying to fit in..and i couldnt ..i think ive been taking out my anger on myself for a really long time actually..and right now that makes me sad too...so i got older..the binging and purging continued..off and on...i researched..i learned what was easy to throw up and what wasnt...i learned stupid facts .. that eating but not throwing up within an hour meant you had failed..and throwing up wouldnt even matter...ice was a food group..junk food was fine as long as you drank a ton of water or something...so on an so forth..it amazes me that i can still remember all these rules and these things that i had to do..not so that i would like myself ..but so that i would be like everyone else...i was compared to other people so much that i just hate who i am..i hate everything about me and wish to be anyone else..because then ill be liked..and loved..it was really bad in college..the binging and purging..well everything was kinda bad in college..but i was throwing up a lot..i was alone a lot...i didnt make friends in college..well except for yvonne and i truly dont know how we became friends..or how she has managed to stick around ..but she has..i was a master hider while i was in college..and after i left college to.. i said nothing..i did nothing to draw attention to myself..i was perfecting the art of being invisible..i lived alone off and on..and when alone my behaviors would get out of control and then calm down..a continuous cycle that never really ended..it was one or the other..cutting or purging..occasionally burning.. all things that hurt me in some way..all things that could be hidden...i had to know what i could handle..how far i could go...i would get as low as i could get and then refuse the hospital because of fear..because i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt okay.. i had to be okay.. i had to manage and deal with it and never say anything...i was terrified of being in therapy because i felt like i was to much to handle...that i would talk about all this stuff and end up having a nervous breakdown...i was told more than once by therapist that i was to much to handle or that i only focused on the negative stuff..and i believed them just as i believed mommy...there was something wrong with me that no one could fix..not therapy..not medication..certainly not the hospital..and all this time i was in and out of therapy..but i wouldnt truly admit to anything..i wanted up but refused to accept it..and fought against it..i made myself believe i was fine but i guess i knew that wasnt completely true either..because wanting to die and being suicidal and thinking of plans and overdosing on pills and getting ahold of different medicines and taking them..i did want to die..i wasnt supposed to make it past 18..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21...every few years a new plan developed that i did not go threw with..and every year i wonder why im still alive...ive done everything i can to destroy myself...why am i still here? it was never about attention...like it wasnt attention seeking behaviors because i guarded my secrets with my life...i guarded my self destruction with my life..i wouldnt say anything .. i was positive no therapist would be able to make me crack..i made the therapist do all the work and i sat quietly and wouldnt look at them...i was an awful client to put it nicely..how can it be a cry for help when no one knows your crying ? or that you need help? no i was always fine. that was the only option really.
when did things change ?? when did i notice them changing? when did i start listening and paying attention? it was a gradual shift i guess...a very very slow gradual shift.. maybe it solidified into something solid when i met sarah..hmm i dont remember when i actually started with anita but i know i went to see her determined to not like her..and here i am a few years later actually talking about things with her..there are still a lot of struggles but no i am not where i was before..and that is surprising...i still have thoughts about things and still struggle to maintain control of myself and curb the negative behaviors..but im not a walking death wish anymore.. i made it through a hell of a lot of craptastic stuff both in the past and in the past 2 or 3 years..and some how im still here...i owe everyone a crap load of money but im still here...interesting isnt it...
ok i think thats enough for today.
so im in pain right now and just want to sleep but instead i am up thinking. i had a very interesting session with anita today..and my mind is once again going all over the place...
we did talk about the meet up thing and how that went and she said she was proud of me ... we did the usual updates and things and then we talked about eating and making friends sorta and things ...and i am left thinking way to much about things...i took an anxiety med just to get myself to calm down and not panic... so yeah ...
what i remember most ..and im paraphrasing here..so..
the child who made all those coping skills is not the adult you are now. the adult now just cant let go of the childs coping skills..
talk about a brain stopper! i truly think that my brain stopped working for a bit after hearing that one..its such a loaded statement..and true in ways too...the stuff that worked for me as a kid and as a young adult..no longer work the same now...i keep trying ..i keep going back to them..and every time i am disappointed that i can not reach that same empty feeling where nothing matters..but letting them go fully terrifies me..i dont know who i am without them..i dont know how to cope ... ok so maybe that last bit isnt completely true..i can cope ... i just fall immediately into the negative coping skills..and end up no better than when i started... my mind keeps throwing this around ..i want to analyze it..i want to break it apart and see what becomes of it.. maybe i just need to acknowledge that i am truly an adult and not a kid anymore...i wrote a little about it on facebook and one of the responses said "its safer being an adult" and i kept rereading it becuase my first thought was no its not...its safer being a kid...kids are protected..they are taken care of..they are loved...obviously my own little magical world supplied the answers to that statement because if im being logical i know that is not always the case ..and that makes me really really sad... i wasnt protected back then and i dont know how to protect myself now...i neeed someone else to do it...i want someone else to do it..and it goes back to truly wanting a mother...and that need not being filled..and i just feel sad..
with the eating though things are a little bit different...and today while we were talking i was trying to think about it all..and i was thinking long term stuff..past stuff..not current stuff..and i know having to give up gluten was the trigger..and it has just grown from there..and i had forgotten about that..because when i did that i was scared..and unsure of things..but messing with my eating is something i am familiar with..so taking stuff out was ok...but then it changed to being a punishment and even then i didnt realize that i was beginning to fall back into an old pattern of messing with my food...but it became im eating purely to get sick..im eating to stop thinking..im eating because im mad..its never about whether or not i actually want the food or if i even like the food or well enjoy it..its like eat as quickly as possible..overeat...feel sick..get sick..and then do it all over again..because if i am sick from eating and it is just my stomach not agreeing with something then its not really me doing it on purpose. maybe that is what it would look like to someone looking in..but i know that it is on purpose..it is to punish..to cause pain...to hurt..to zone out..to not think or feel..but right now i am acutely aware of my body and i hate it..the old thoughts and feelings of hating myself are hanging around..all centered around food..why do i have to eat..why cant i lose weight..why cant i be better..look better..be wanted...why why why..and i am reminded of just how deep the hate still goes...back when i was younger mommy wouldnt let me eat..so i ate when she wasnt around an then threw up so that she wouldnt yell at me..so i wouldnt be in trouble.. sometimes the thoughts centered around losing weight..i was positive i wasnt doing any harm because i caould stop and start it at will..i didnt do it all the time so it wasnt dangerous..this was my thinking it middle school..i guess i peg that as the time it kinda started..it may have been the tail end of elementary school ..i dont know..but being aware of my self was nothing that i liked..i was bullied i guess in school for a few reasons..i read alot..i had an accent..i was overweight..i didnt make friends easy..i dont think i really made friends at all..but i was always trying to fit in..and i couldnt ..i think ive been taking out my anger on myself for a really long time actually..and right now that makes me sad too...so i got older..the binging and purging continued..off and on...i researched..i learned what was easy to throw up and what wasnt...i learned stupid facts .. that eating but not throwing up within an hour meant you had failed..and throwing up wouldnt even matter...ice was a food group..junk food was fine as long as you drank a ton of water or something...so on an so forth..it amazes me that i can still remember all these rules and these things that i had to do..not so that i would like myself ..but so that i would be like everyone else...i was compared to other people so much that i just hate who i am..i hate everything about me and wish to be anyone else..because then ill be liked..and loved..it was really bad in college..the binging and purging..well everything was kinda bad in college..but i was throwing up a lot..i was alone a lot...i didnt make friends in college..well except for yvonne and i truly dont know how we became friends..or how she has managed to stick around ..but she has..i was a master hider while i was in college..and after i left college to.. i said nothing..i did nothing to draw attention to myself..i was perfecting the art of being invisible..i lived alone off and on..and when alone my behaviors would get out of control and then calm down..a continuous cycle that never really ended..it was one or the other..cutting or purging..occasionally burning.. all things that hurt me in some way..all things that could be hidden...i had to know what i could handle..how far i could go...i would get as low as i could get and then refuse the hospital because of fear..because i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt okay.. i had to be okay.. i had to manage and deal with it and never say anything...i was terrified of being in therapy because i felt like i was to much to handle...that i would talk about all this stuff and end up having a nervous breakdown...i was told more than once by therapist that i was to much to handle or that i only focused on the negative stuff..and i believed them just as i believed mommy...there was something wrong with me that no one could fix..not therapy..not medication..certainly not the hospital..and all this time i was in and out of therapy..but i wouldnt truly admit to anything..i wanted up but refused to accept it..and fought against it..i made myself believe i was fine but i guess i knew that wasnt completely true either..because wanting to die and being suicidal and thinking of plans and overdosing on pills and getting ahold of different medicines and taking them..i did want to die..i wasnt supposed to make it past 18..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21...every few years a new plan developed that i did not go threw with..and every year i wonder why im still alive...ive done everything i can to destroy myself...why am i still here? it was never about attention...like it wasnt attention seeking behaviors because i guarded my secrets with my life...i guarded my self destruction with my life..i wouldnt say anything .. i was positive no therapist would be able to make me crack..i made the therapist do all the work and i sat quietly and wouldnt look at them...i was an awful client to put it nicely..how can it be a cry for help when no one knows your crying ? or that you need help? no i was always fine. that was the only option really.
when did things change ?? when did i notice them changing? when did i start listening and paying attention? it was a gradual shift i guess...a very very slow gradual shift.. maybe it solidified into something solid when i met sarah..hmm i dont remember when i actually started with anita but i know i went to see her determined to not like her..and here i am a few years later actually talking about things with her..there are still a lot of struggles but no i am not where i was before..and that is surprising...i still have thoughts about things and still struggle to maintain control of myself and curb the negative behaviors..but im not a walking death wish anymore.. i made it through a hell of a lot of craptastic stuff both in the past and in the past 2 or 3 years..and some how im still here...i owe everyone a crap load of money but im still here...interesting isnt it...
ok i think thats enough for today.
Friday, August 26, 2016
struggling to accepts some things ...
i think therapy on monday has left me feeling vulnerable..scared...there are a lot of thoughts in my head and im not sure i have the answers for them at all...
this has been a tough week with work and im frustrated and just worn out..
i think im worrying a lot ... im not eating right and have been getting sick daily...and things are feeling out of control..and i dont know how to bring things back into my control ..
this has been a tough week with work and im frustrated and just worn out..
i think im worrying a lot ... im not eating right and have been getting sick daily...and things are feeling out of control..and i dont know how to bring things back into my control ..
Thursday, August 25, 2016
today sucks
everything has turned into sucking mode...i dont know if its my mood just being weird or if today just truly sucked.i dont feel good..my stomach hurts...im stressing about giving mommy money and getting my car fixed and saving for vacation..im worried and frustrated about my notes being late..im back to handwriting them and its taking me forever..im trying my hardest to catch up and do them and it seems i just keep falling behind..im overwhelmed to the point of tears and i forgot my meds thins morning..ok it wasnt i forget it was more like ill be ok without the meds..and my head is pounding and life sucks and yes i just want to cry...and no i dont need to not take the meds ... -sigh- im off to hate everything
feeling gross
-sigh- my eating is not so much over eating as just eating the wrong stuff....sandwiches are my big thing right now..and i swear i eat them daily...and im beginning to feel like heavy..like i dont know its weird...im just so tired lately...ok playing the sims until midnight did not help anything at all...but i am feeling like i am running low on energy this week...and highly distracted. ugh
the anxiety is way up..im picking my fingers apart...something is up but i dont know what it is...
the anxiety is way up..im picking my fingers apart...something is up but i dont know what it is...
Sunday, August 21, 2016
weekend
this has been a pretty good weekend ... relaxing ... ive been having some mood issues and have been feeling really angry and frustrated with things...i dont know why .. it was pretty bad on friday..but its eased up a little bit since then..but i got a lot of sleep.. like serious almost 5 hour nap today! which is why im still up right now lol..but i did laundry today and sarah and i went out for lunch and it was so good..i love going to chilis ! and i even got desert! my stomach is a little upset right now but i wouldnt trade today for anything..it was a nice day. yesterday i went to the grocery store and im really not sure what i bought lol..i got waffles...a lot of waffles ! right now i just want sandwiches and well waffles ... i think my anxiety is up and thats when i end up eating the same things over and over...maybe ... im not eating completely gluten free right now...im trying to decide what i want to do with my eating..like i felt better not having gluten..i truly did ..but trying to stop this time around is so much harder...but i think if i can manage not to go overboard..i can manage..maybe not but ill have to see...im gonna be working on not getting fast food this week..and if i do good then we can go out for dinner ot something over the weekend. i may need to leave my money at home !!! but i pack my lunch and things so i should be ok..just gonna have to remember to make myself eat in the morning before going to work...that is my downfall..and taking all the meds on an empty stomach makes me sick so i end up stopping and picking something up..but i know i am relying way to much on fast food ..
but i am having an issue with my side again...its a pain that comes and goes..sometimes its really bad and it hurts to move even a little bit..and sometimes its like a little twinge that im aware of but can work around ...every time it happens i get scared that its like my appendix or something..but all i get is the random pain..no fever, or vomiting or anything else..the area isnt swollen and if i press on my side it doesnt really hurt...im going to call my doc this week and talk to her about it. because im really not sure what to do..should i be more concerned? i thought it was from like sleeping wrong or something ..because it is always my right side...sometimes lower and closer to my hip hurts and yesterday it was a bit higher and was radiating around my back and stomach when i moved...im a little concerned..but again i may not be as concerned as i need to be..ive explained away some serious medical stuff as nothing important..and i ended up in the stupid hospital...so ill call my doc and see what she can tell me..i refuse to look up anything on webmd because then ill just convince myself that im dying ..
oh and we are getting a kitten on wednesday...sarah said i can call him gizmo :) im gonna go shopping for him on tuesday when i get off of work..im excited about the kitten but nervous to because well bounce and kai are possibly not going to enjoy a little ball of fluff...maybe they will..but hopefully they dont kill each other!! bounce is getting older and kai has so much energy..maybe a kitten will be good for him.
im moving the trip back a little bit and its going to be at the end of october now..which is fine..it will be cooler! and ill have more time to put money aside..hotels are not cheap lol..but it will just be less stressful planning and everything when i have more time and money to work with...so the trip will be in oct now..for sure lol..
but tomorrow is monday..back to the work week...tomorrow is anita too. hopefully this week is a bit less stressful than last week!
but i am having an issue with my side again...its a pain that comes and goes..sometimes its really bad and it hurts to move even a little bit..and sometimes its like a little twinge that im aware of but can work around ...every time it happens i get scared that its like my appendix or something..but all i get is the random pain..no fever, or vomiting or anything else..the area isnt swollen and if i press on my side it doesnt really hurt...im going to call my doc this week and talk to her about it. because im really not sure what to do..should i be more concerned? i thought it was from like sleeping wrong or something ..because it is always my right side...sometimes lower and closer to my hip hurts and yesterday it was a bit higher and was radiating around my back and stomach when i moved...im a little concerned..but again i may not be as concerned as i need to be..ive explained away some serious medical stuff as nothing important..and i ended up in the stupid hospital...so ill call my doc and see what she can tell me..i refuse to look up anything on webmd because then ill just convince myself that im dying ..
oh and we are getting a kitten on wednesday...sarah said i can call him gizmo :) im gonna go shopping for him on tuesday when i get off of work..im excited about the kitten but nervous to because well bounce and kai are possibly not going to enjoy a little ball of fluff...maybe they will..but hopefully they dont kill each other!! bounce is getting older and kai has so much energy..maybe a kitten will be good for him.
im moving the trip back a little bit and its going to be at the end of october now..which is fine..it will be cooler! and ill have more time to put money aside..hotels are not cheap lol..but it will just be less stressful planning and everything when i have more time and money to work with...so the trip will be in oct now..for sure lol..
but tomorrow is monday..back to the work week...tomorrow is anita too. hopefully this week is a bit less stressful than last week!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
anxious
i dont know why im feeling so anxious but i am..im picking at everything..im nervous and shakey..i dont know..im very nervous actually ..but im just laying down..why am i nervous? im something..i dont know what..but its making the anxiousness worse..im getting a headache and i want to sleep but of course im very awake right now...ugh
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
update...
its been a couple days and i have begun to calm down...sarah should be coming home today...im working on my late notes and well things will be right with the world again..well mostly right with the world because it is still freaking hot and im sure everytime i go outside, i die a little bit !
seeing anita yesterday helped a lot and well she helped me some of the illogicalness of my idea to be put in the hospital...we talked about eating stuff and im not sure how it came up but i know i didnt plan to talk about it at all ..i never want to talk about that part of things because it is embarrassing and gross and i dont know...im trying to be careful with all the 'i said to much and need to be punished thoughts' ..my eating has been awful though..yesterday and monday...ugh
ill be drowning myself in notes today and tomorrow to get everything down.. i dont plan on them holding my paycheck at all ...
but well i guess its just a week then...a lot going on this week...
seeing anita yesterday helped a lot and well she helped me some of the illogicalness of my idea to be put in the hospital...we talked about eating stuff and im not sure how it came up but i know i didnt plan to talk about it at all ..i never want to talk about that part of things because it is embarrassing and gross and i dont know...im trying to be careful with all the 'i said to much and need to be punished thoughts' ..my eating has been awful though..yesterday and monday...ugh
ill be drowning myself in notes today and tomorrow to get everything down.. i dont plan on them holding my paycheck at all ...
but well i guess its just a week then...a lot going on this week...
Sunday, August 14, 2016
logic
i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...
there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..
throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...
(wrote that last night and then fell asleep)
my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ... some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...
there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..
throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...
(wrote that last night and then fell asleep)
my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ... some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...
Friday, August 12, 2016
sigh
this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..
ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that? i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :( the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..
but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..
ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that? i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :( the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..
but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..
Thursday, August 11, 2016
i dont know how i feel
right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...
sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...
im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ? how am i suposed to take care of myself ? there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..
its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control... i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...
my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..
i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all
sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...
im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ? how am i suposed to take care of myself ? there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..
its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control... i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...
my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..
i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
struggling ..in weird ways
im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out
skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours
things ive done to avoid hurting myself
ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.
.......
im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away? no i dont understand that at all ..
.....
i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!! because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??
my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think.
sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...
skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours
things ive done to avoid hurting myself
ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.
.......
im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away? no i dont understand that at all ..
.....
i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!! because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??
my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think.
sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
Sunday, August 07, 2016
closure
maybe i am the one that needs closure...i need to say goodbye..i need to acknowledge her..something..anything..
i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now. its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp? do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step... i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless
i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now. its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp? do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step... i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless
Thursday, August 04, 2016
docs and ugh
so i saw all three docs today...i dont know what i was thinking but i did it..
med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh
reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it... (update though - my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped) ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..
the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..
then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ? i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her? its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better? would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...
med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh
reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it... (update though - my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped) ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..
the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..
then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ? i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her? its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better? would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...
vacation
did i mention we had sweet frog ?!?!?!
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