I wish I was good enough

My looks are something to be ashamed of...everything about me is shameful and embarrassing..I'm not pretty enough or thin enough..I'm not active enough..I don't take care of myself...it's hard taking care of something I hate..And the question I guess is who taught me to hate everything about myself...destroy the thing you hate..I sit in silence and agree that I'm not good enough..that I need to be better...I may as well agree that I'm worthless and no matter how hard I try I'll never manage to be enough...so why bother..

i feel as if something is wrong

Im feeling down..pressured i guess..i didnt go home this week because of the weather ... mommy has been calling and just questioning the life out of me..and i end up more stressed out and upset and defensive...she keeps making it seem as if i am doing something wrong by staying with sarah..like in some way she is making me sick...somehow i am getting in the way...using up all of sarahs stuff...that im not wanted and need to just stay out of the way...things that fill my head with doubt and tears and sadness and anger all at the same time ..and i dont understand why she tries so very hard to make me doubt myself...to question what i am doing..its not fair ... my little bits of happiness become overshadowed and i wonder if i am in the way..if i am doing something wrong and i hate it...being at home is causing a lot of stress..the pressure to just be better is there..everything i do is watched and i feel like i cant do anything right...i was actually told not to apply for a job at family dollar because its somehow beneath me to work there...and i dont need to be in the community like that...no one knows im home..i cant work in the community around were we live because i guess some one will recognize me or something..knowing i have issues with my background right now and she is doing everything is her power to keep me hidden away like im not wanted or worth the trouble..and it makes it hard to have confidence in anything at all when im constantly put up against some imaginary list of qualities i dont have...it makes me feel like a failure ...im questioned so much i guess i am a failure ... everything from what i eat to finding a job..how much im making ..paying back nia and rob and wayne and her...i dont have time to breathe because im always worrying...worrying how im going to manage and survive and do what i need to do and keep everyone else happy..because im sure at some point this will all kill me anyway .. and its really is like living on borrowed time and that at some point my body will just call it quits and no one will even care...ill be permanently out of the way and not a hassle for anyone anymore..the stress doesnt go away...even though im not even at home this week has been really stressful...she calls and makes me feel like a liar when i say the weather is bad..she swears that being here is keeping me sick and i got sick at home..she hints that im in the way here at sarahs and that im going to be seen as taking advantage of her...she asks if i asked if i could stay ..if it was ok...am i staying out of the way of her aides...everything...anything that can be questioned is.. and im left feeling as if im not wanted anywhere..and its pushing my thoughts into unsafe areas..

worthless life

Why me..a question that I keep asking today..for some reason I can't do anything right today..every phone call leaves me feeling worse than the one before it...And somehow I am the one feeling suicidal..And worthless and paranoid..why is it such a concern where I'm at...why is she trying so hard to make me give up everything relating  to Sarah..because now..in a  sick some how because of Sarah...I got sick at home..I've been sick both places...but staying home and not working will do what for me? How long will that last exactly before  I'm hounded to find another job..to stay home where I have nothing and where I'm not happy...all I get are questions..accusations..And I end up feeling defensive and upset and on edge...I can't relax because I can't stop worrying..And all day the thoughts get worse...And I stupidly keep answering the phones...I've gone from being ok to being unsafe in matter of hours..  wan t to scream and cry and just give up because no matter what I can't seem to make things work..I'm still in trouble..I'm still useless...And currently I just wish I was dead...

Valentine's 2016

Spent the day watching movies and goofing off...there is candy also :)

today

Today I've felt happy and pretty calm...still sick and feeling crummy but not as bad as it has been....I once again down play it but as mommy told me when I did it...I've been really sick..I'm truly not sure the last time I've been so sick...Maybe I need to take vitamins or something and build up my immune system..

But I'm back in Richmond for the weekend..I drove down this morning...I know what I need to do next time if I leave on Saturday and not Friday...I think I prefer coming down Friday..but i can handle a Saturday drive every so often..

I was pretty excited that I managed to get Sarah the cupcakes that she likes...that made me really happy. She got me flowers and candy and a stuffed unicorn..which made me happy too

I wonder why

I'm sick..I know I'm sick..I know to limit my contact with other ppl because  of being sick..being told three days in a row to not be around Sarah has me feeling paranoid and out of sorts..I have to work yes..but anything beyond that is just making me nervous...And talking to mommy keeps me on edge...And it just feels like I'm always stuck defending myself..over stupid things..am I really that stupid? I just feel like I nee  to be quiet and not do anything at all since I,can't even manage to be sock correctly.

sleep patterns...

Everything is born of something
Every action has a reaction
Every choice has a consequence

I was asked tonight if I would put my bed in the middle of the room or up against the wall when I move. A simple question..a yes or no question..a or answer question...it was not supposed to be a life altering question by any means..yet here I am thinking about it still and wondering why it's not just a simple question for me..I'm frustrated that it's not a simple question.I'm frustrated that I feel the need to explain my answer and say,why...but I'm not even 100% sure why...

I'm trying hard to remember how my bed was set up as a kid...was it against the wall or in the middle of the room..but I don't remember..Maybe it was a mix of both..I moved rooms a lot..

In college of course my bed was against the wall..My first apartment it was in the middle of the floor..when I moved home..it was back against the wall..it changes
.but why does it change? I should be old enough now that I should know how I am comfortable sleeping...but I'm not..I don't know..

When I sleep with Sarah I sleep against the wall..I feel safe an  protected that way...

At home my bed is against the wall but I sleep on the outside part of the bed that's not against the wall...I sleep facing the door..No one can surprise me or get into bed with me without my permission..I don't feel safe at home...I don't see why anyone would be sneaking in my bed but I am watchful..I have to protect myself..I keep stuffed animals and other things on the other side of the bed so there is no room for anyone else..

If I'm at a hotel I prefer the side of the bed that is farthest from the door..I think. But again depending on how I'm feeling I could end up in some position that,allows me to stare at  the door..to make sure no one co.we in..No one can get me..

  Think when I was  younger I may have tended to try to  sleep close to the wall...

Ugh I just don't know

Even with someone in the bed with me I try to keep space between us...Morgan  it works but being crowded and hot doesn't work for me
.sleeping with Sarah being the exception but Sarah also knows I'll get up if I  getting to hot..And sleep on the floor..

There is a pattern somewhere in all of this..something I learned a long time ago..a reason why I have to sit and think about if it is ok to not have the bed against the wall...she asked me the question and my immediate thought was it has to be against the wall..because I don't feel safe with it not being like that..second thought was its ok..it can be in the middle of the room..but this second answer bothers me for some reason..I don't know

not doing great

Struggling.....stomach issues. And not eating which can't really happen because am diabetic..so ended up with a crash this evening from not eating anything for lunch..And then got sick after dinner...massive headache...actually talked with t about sitting with emotional pain and not acting on it..I remembered that last night and have been sitting with the awful feelings...still dealing with the feelings...not acting on them but the thoughts don't stop..I'm losing control...I came home my room has been set up to mommy's specifications...My food has been bought for what I can have and not have I guess...My week has been planned out...I wonder if im allowed to think on my own anymore..I'm trying to remember who I am but it's slipping away...the need to be good and obedient..the fight to become good enough...the need to be good enough no matter the cost to us..I am not important..I keep forgetting that..but I come home and am reminded of my place very quickly...  I have no place..I haven't earned a place..  I don't measure up...all these years and I still don't measure up..

New schedule to get used to

Even though my stuff moved home weeks ago I've still been here on Richmond..but today after therapy I'll be going home for the week..I'll come back sometime on Friday and breakthrough Tuesday of next week..but generally that is my new schedule..I have been really anxious and out of sorts...worrying and stressing about going home...it's been on  of those things that's kept getting pushed off until it's become this huge thing in my mind...I have been safe...Just really struggling...I know what to expect going home and I'm trying to prepare myself for the talks and being stared at and told why I need to be better ...do better..I've been racking my brain on how to be better in a couple days..become someone who mommy approves of..I've failed at that again...I've begun obsessing over food again..which has me.nervous...it's been such a long  time since those thoughts have been in my head but mommy is pushing losing weight...And again I return to those old thoughts....I remember how it's all done..And with mommy watching me my paranoia picks up and kicking isn't an option..so it will once again change to food issues...not immediately but I know how I work...something has to be done and if it's not cutting then it's food...but everyone will be so happy when I lose weight..Maybe I'll become a vegetarian again..I don't know...Yes I need control of something...I hate this...but I'm going home now either way...so I better get,used to it nd stop being a crybaby about it...