never enough

Tears started tonight and it took a little bit to calm down...feeling the nee to destroy myself because I'm not good enough...old messages..old tapes playing..sadness drowns me..And I feel as if I am nothing..never enough as I am...go home so all my flaws can be pointed out for my own good...so that my thinking becomes confused and old habits never really go away... am I safe at home? I'm already freaking out..I my need to hand over my razors...I wish I could explain ..honestly explain why it's not ok right now without being told that I should be thankful and happy that I have a place to go..


Is suicide enough
???
Will I be good enough then?

This time skipped the si urges and moved straight to suicidal.....

Fml

Tired

Day 1 begins again... I'm just tired..my mind is tired my bones are tired. The worry increases and its causing fear and paranoia...I can't get myself to go outside today..I'm afraid...

fear of getting better...

my words and thoughts are confusing tonight...im trying to write but my stupid eye is twitching...

i saw anita today...and told her a million times that i wasnt going to talk her..but of course I did...I got her caught up on things an  How I've been doing ..and that I'm managing...it took a little while for the effects of that statement to kinda hit  me...And now I'm afraid of sabotaging myself...afraid that I'll get better and lose the support...I should want to  be better..but the fear  has set in...And I'm afraid.. I can't keep cutting...I'm actively working on not cutting right now and what thought pops up?? Purging...Yeah... one or the other but never both...what is wrong with me?  I'm struggling tonight..looking for an escape...

anxious

last night wasnt a good night for sleep...bad dreams...anxious dreams...my anxiety is up a lot right now..im trying to remember tat it is only saturday..i still havve until monday before going home..but the anxiety is increasing all the same..

broken pieces

besides feeling like crap today i was trying really hard to have a good day...and now all i feel is that i am broken and useless and not needed...a big big fear of mine is not being needed...being reassured that i am needed..anything to let me know that i am somewhat important..somewhat wanted... but mommy got me on the phone while i was walking to the store and i wasnt prepared for her line of questioning..all about me not bein all in sarahs business and that it looks like im taking advantage of her ..that i need to keep work and personal separate...that she doesnt need me..and can live and do things without me around...another attack on being in a relationship and her being uncomfortable..not putting any information anywhere..no talking about it..sharing anything about it...dont i keep enough secrets ?  its been drilled in not to talk about my relationship..so i dont...what else is it that she wants from me.. and my already low self esteem took a massive blow...i immediately started to think and wonder if it was true..i need so much reassurance when it comes to whether or not im wanted...or if im needed or important or doing something right..and for mommy to say that has sent me into no mans land...i feel worthless , hurt..a waste of space..that im not good enough..never good enough...i am not thinking clearly...i feel that i have to prove im needed..that if i do enough i wont be tossed out ..fighting hard to stay safe and not cry anymore ... i guess right now it is hard finding to energy to do anything other than crying or just being silent .. lay down and try to not think anymore .. earlier i ended up taking 2 of the clonzapan and fell asleep..instead of doing anything damaging...but i know where the razors are..my mind has been zeroed in on them since i came back from the store .. i dont know right now really how i am feeling..mixed up ..a mess .. nothing .. nothing

alone

tonite things are rough inside. feeling really isolated and alone...sarah is at her parents....they dont acknowledge me so i am not allowed to go..it has been this way since the beginning but still my feelings end up hurt ...and i worry while she is gone..if she will forget me or sstay there with them...im just sad ... not seeing t is causing feelings of desertion ... like no one is there anymore...scared to be leaving to go home next week..worrying and trying to plan..and just beginning to feel stuck i think..

Yesterday

Thank god yesterday is over with...it was frustrating and anxiety producing and drama from from my roommate and her brother that had me afraid to even have my family there....it was a big mess and then mommy came in and took over and just kept yelling at me about how disgusting my room was...and its like gee when you move things you find stuff underneath...but yeah..it was a hard day...stayed pretty anxious and afraid to leave to kids with her brother threatening to shoot her...and my brother has brought the baby and the kids and I didn't want to put them in danger either...I couldn't make this stuff up If I tried :( .. mommy of course got on me about cleaning and what I was wearing and rushing me to leave and finally I told her I was nervous about leaving the kids and my roommate ( we parted on good terms) ..I don't want to see them hurt in any way...luckily I was able to call Sarah and talk for a few minutes and try to calm down before we went to eat...and I also talked to my future sister in law and she was supportive too ... I have trouble taking on everyone's problems and get so freaked out..and I was already freaking out you know...but my stuff is moved home...I'm happily going to stay with Sarah for this week and to home next Monday ....we went out to dinner and talked and stuff last night...its really nice being able to talk about my day and be asked about my day and know that she wants to know and is listening to me...but I gotta get ready for work..still a bit down but going to get through the day.

anxious

I made the reservation with Wayne today for the uhaul... I'm really leaving...like really leaving....trying to shut down...hide..I feel sick...really sick...scared..Sad...anxious...And the kids have no idea...she hasn't told them...fuck..mommy is becoming repetitive...And I'm getting stressed...I'm struggling to calm down...And stay calm

Frustrated

I'm just frustrated and right now that is not a good thing because I feel like cutting..I'm pissed off at everything.and locked out in the cold which pisses me off even more...I'm mad at Anita and Courtney.. I'm mad that I couldn't get my meds filled ..I'm mad that I'm hungry and stupid but I did get cat food a little bit any way.. I'll figure something out..I guess..I'll have to since I don't have gas money ... I'm just sick of today and I think I'll take the last of the percocets before I do anything incredibly stupid..because my thinking is not good right now..today is just not a good day...

i like this one

happy New year

It's 2016... No I'm not going to right about how the new year means a new me...I'm still the same old me...the date changes nothing...I do want to say though that I wan  this year to be better..And so I have so things I plan to work on...this year is going to  be about getting myself together..becoming more self sufficient..And stable...I think that is the most important thing...becoming more stable..

My mood and feelings leave me so down...And I know Anita told me that the symptoms affect my daily life more than I let on...I try so hard sometimes and just can't manage..    I can't get out of bed..I have no motivation no desire..right now I'm fighting urges to hurt myself...And I'm not sleeping...I really want to sleep..

I guess you can say  I have learned a lot this year..about myself..How I handle things..How I think...I currently feel more broken than whole..but that doesn't take away the lessons..

I'm no longer completely sure why I wanted to write this...I'm feeling a little mixed up right now...Ok a lot mixed up...