Yesterday was my birthday and I had the absolute best
birthday ever. Sarah made sure of it. and I love her to death
for it. It is not often that I wish I could repeat a day, but i
truly truly wish I could live inside of yesterday and just stay
there.. I was happy yesterday. I laughed and smiled and refused
to place judgment on anything i did.. we went out to lunch at my
favorite restaurant, we had cake and drinks at home, we went shopping
for video games, we laughed and talked and planned trips and just had
a really really good day together..and it was great..i got a lot of
birthday well wishes and i loved them all..i got to talk to Noa and
Marley and the boys... not even mommy could bring me down
yesterday. Ive loved all of my presents and still my birthday
stuff isnt even over yet..cas we are going to the state fair next
week..and a friend is bringing over a cake next week..there is still
trip to build a bear in the works with some friends...
i guess what im trying to say is that..i feel loved ,
i feel important..i feel so very special and loved and it makes me
feel good... it is a feeling that i dont want to go away..i
want it to stay forever ..and i dont want to lose this feeling at
all..
i turned 34 ... and gosh it has been a year..and
yet..this is a year that i have grown and become the most stable in
so many ways...there have been a heck of a lot of ups and downs..but
in all of that sarah has been by my side cheering me on and
supporting me...pushing me to step outside of my box..i have made
friends..i have stood up for myself on the rare occasion but it has
happened..things are different..so so different...and finally i feel
like i can say that i can beginning to feel like i am living and not
just surviving..i am stopping doing things that stress me out to the
max..i am beginning to let sarah into my inner world more ..and
telling her truly what is going on...i feel like the current
medications are finally working for me and i feel like i have an
actual outlook on life...i am not constantly thinking about death...
im currently crying very easily lol..but im not wanting to die..i am
able to have my sisters picture hanging up in my room and she is no
longer a secret that i feel i have to hide...my friends know that i
struggle with things but they are accepting of me as i am..and sarah
has always been accepting of me just as i am..she tells me that she
can see a big difference in me also and that she likes it, that she
is happy for me...she stands behind me in my decisions and helps me
when i fall...we have a place to live, we have a new car, we have a
stable income and we are managing.. i have goals now...i am working
on taking care of myself .. i want a future.. and i think that is
what is different.. i actually want a future these days...i may not
be able to see how it will be yet..but the want is there...the urge
to get older and to be happy and safe and stable is settling into my
bones... i still want to travel...i know i will always want to
travel.. but the stability, the safety net is becoming a big
part of things too..and now i feel like i have to ability and the
drive to actually create one... im no longer constantly fighting
myself so hard to stay alive ...
i turned 34 yesterday... and at 34.. i am finally
beginning to see that there truly is a light at the end of this
tunnel that i have been stuck for years... i never thought i
would see my way out...i never thought i would make it out alive..
yet here i am.. living.. maybe even beginning to thrive a bit in some
areas.. but i am making it. Who knew that I would be able to
ever write anything like these. Two years ago all I wanted to
do was die, One year ago, I was invited out with co-workers for the
first time in my life for my birthday. This year though, this
year things have majorly begun to shift into an upright position in a
lot of ways. No this year has not been all happy rainbows and
unicorns either and there were some serious bouts of wondering
whether i would end up in the hospital. They were a scary few months
of uncertainty and well craziness but i reached out with some strong
willed help from the clinic and sarah and somehow we all got me
through it and out on the other side.
Dear god im gonna turn into one of those
success stories eventually !!!! haha
ill stop here for now...my thoughts are scattering a
bit ... and i gotta get up anyway..busy busy morning !
1 comment:
So good to hear you are gaining some hope. Love you.
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