birthday thoughts ...

tomorrow is my birthday and im turning 34 .... i dont mind the turning 34 part ... its the its being my birthday part that makes me sad...it highlights again the fact that my sister is not here ... that i am alone in that aspect of things ..and that drowns me in sadness....  its that i crave the attention of everyone telling me happy birthday almost to the point of obsession and then just wanting to be left alone .. but then getting so angry that i may be forgotten ... that people may forget about me ... i am so afraid of being gotten and so i have been obsessing all week about presents and mail and gifts and mail and reminding people about my birthday and did i mention presents ?? sarah has been helping but doing little things for me each day to make me happy and smile ..like i get one small present each day...yesterday i got flowers and a pop..which is like a bobble head thing..i collect those lol..it was of Thor...and i got roses...and the day before i got nias present in the mail which was a worry monster that i absolutely love...i cant wait to show her to Britney...i might need to use her before i see Britney..and ive gotten other gifts to ..a fingerling, a stuffed monkey, some barbies, a necklace... i finally feel like im in a place where i can get toys and things because i know i missed out on this stuff as a kid and i want it now and im mostly ok with that... i have a group of friends...a small group of friends that i have that i can play with..who accept me as i am and we have play parties and things and we have fun..and it makes me so so so happy to hang out with them..to laugh and play and just be for a little while... because i do feel judged a lot of the time for my likes and stuff...and if i had to analyze it ..which i hate doing ...i know it stems from childhood stuff... but the point is i like it..and it makes me happy you know... but i hate being laughed at for it and stuff...  but ive been trying hard to working on being calm and happy you know...doing things that make me smile right now because i know that in the quiet time the sadness desends and i am overwhelmed by it...and it makes me feel like im not trying hard enough..