life

Things have been a stressful since coming back from vacation..and a bit of that has been my fault..since I spent to much money at the store and ended up not having any money left ...so we are pretty much out of everything and I have been just trying to get by you know...and money is a big big trigger … but I have made it to pay day and this month ive asked sarah from the beginning to chip in for stuff and that is going to help.. I ask for to help with stuff anyway .. but im asking at the beginning of the month this time...is all...i have so much running around to do today...i have to go grocery shopping and pick up meds and get the household stuff and pay bills..and get my bank account back straight... I have a list because just thinking about it all makes my head spin … I have to be smart and stay in control and no impulse buying... ive talked to sarah repeatedly about setting money aside for me to have to buy stuff for 'fun' to kinda curb my impulse buying ..which is what happened to the money in my last check..so it doesnt happen this check...ill talk to her again today about it before I go to the store..and most important is paying the car note before anything else today. And I need to call the insurance lady about getting my insurance switched to something else because it has increased and is more expensive now so hopefully she can find me something less expensive...

I saw my med doc yesterday and it was good...we talked about how things have been going and everything...we agreed to the increase in the abilify … im going up to 5mg .. but with what she ordered for me ill be at 4 for a couple weeks and then at 5mg when the new bottle comes in... I will be getting the anxiety med filled today also.and my reg meds … so all of that needs to be taken care of … the foggy head has still not returned and that I am very grateful for … the med doc yesterday kept telling me that I looked different … and its like I feel different.. I am different.. I just feel more alive and that I just such a hard feeling to describe to someone who has never been so horribly depressed... it is like waking up for a dream world after so many long years and seeing the world for the first … becoming a part of the world for the first time.. being able to do things and having a desire to do things.. wanting to be a part of stuff..want to feel and touch and just engage ..to capture life and the world and things in it for the first time in my life is an amazing thing... to not have that crushing I want things to stop, and end has lifted a major weight off of me, you know... no it is not all gone.. no I am not going to go dance naked in a field of wild flowers or something and sing with the butterflies lol...but when I say things are different..things are truly different..and I understand what she means when she tells me I look different..because I feel different.. I am different..i am me.. but I am changing to. This is a place I never thought I would find..a place I never thought I would be in …

curvon is over here again...his mom is dealing with a dv crisis and I am concerned, scared, and worried for her...and I am having to remind myself that I am doing all I can to help..and that I cant run myself into the ground doing for her...she is an adult.. I can help and offer a safe place .. but as sad as it makes me ..i cant save her ...and saying that..writing that does make me so very very sad... I love all of them and I want them safe..but I cant take care of all of them...i cant give her money and still survive and pay my own bills.. I might want to but it is not realistic..and if I have to tell myself this daily..then I guess that is what I will have to do... because this is the type of thing that gets me into trouble... I want to go in saving the day..i want to protect them..i want to save her...i will give everything I have and end up with nothing to protect them...but then..who will help me ? When I have given all I can ? This line of thinking and helping has caused me more harm than good. I know I have the best interest at heart .. but giving all and leaving nothing for myself is not the best way to help someone else. I have to say no (dont I ? ) . I have to take care of myself first ( dont I ? ) . I have to live and survive in this world to ( dont I ? ) . I am talking things through with nia and sarah and trying not to make rash decisions .. I feel things are still weighing on my mind heavily though and I really feel like talking to britney but I see her in a few days thankfully. But sarah is helping me not make any rash decisions.