it still hurts

i talked to my sister a little bit yesterday about the fiasco borrowing money from mommy was (ive also talked to sarah) and how she made me feel about and how hard it was to ask her in the first place..and my sister told me to try not to let it get to me ..that mommy isnt going to change ..and that she doesnt see how what she says hurts us and frustrates us...she said one of my brothers had called her earlier in the day and was talking to her about pretty much the same thing... mommy and her 'helping' talks thats really just leaves you feeling more hurt and sad and broken than when you began... i wish i was strong like my sister and not so easily broken ... that one conversation with mommy caused issues for 2 almost 3 days..and still i cant seem to let it go fully... i just feel that i am not trying hard enough..im not doing enough to keep myself afloat financially...ignoring the fact that since moving in with sarah we havent had to borrow money in more than a year and a half...or that we just came back from a major trip that took all of our money..or that i just got a new car and that is a new expense on the budget...forget all of that ..and just clue in on the fact that i asked her to borrow a small amount of money...and it just means i have failed ...and lets not forget the guilt trip of reminding me that ..if anything happened and my brothers or sister or mom needed me in an emergency i would not be able to go to them because i wouldnt have any money saved up..i would in a sense be utterly useless...that is all that i am..useless.... and i am trying to find another job to have more money coming in...im trying to learn to budget with sarahs help...im trying ..what else can  i do ? what other miracle of money can i make happen ?  between our two incomes i would say we are doing damn well .. its just been a little slow playing catch up after the trip..but talking to mommy and i feel like i have a secret gambling addiction or something ..because yes i do have things i pay that i dont plan on telling her about ... because paying for my medication and therapy out of pocket is an expense that i did not have a few months ago but i do now and  i have to handle that..and i dont want to change doctors again ...and i cant handle another change in medication that will land me in the hospital .. im not doing that to myself ...just to make her happy.. so yes i have things i have to pay that i have no intention on telling her about because it is not her business...but its just these types of conversations get to me so bad and i have so much trouble letting them go...its like they sink into my bones and failure becomes etched into my very DNA...i work so hard to manage and live and right now things are a bit of a struggle yes..we are going pay check to pay check...but its not going to stay like that..but it just makes me feel like im not doing enough..still..i need to be doing more...i always need to be doing more...