just whats going on

for some reason i am very teary this morning again.. im also very tired ... woke up again super early and yeah instead of going back to sleep i have been doing random things online and what not... so i am really sleepy...maybe i will fall asleep after writing for a bit...

it has been a rough few days since coming home from the trip...emotionally its been a rough few days...seeing mommy this time around was very triggering and hard and just well .. it has sent me into a bit of a tail spin and i have been feeling very broken..very sad..very off since the trip...during the trip things were overwhelming and frustrating  and sad.. i didnt take any anxiety meds because i didnt take any with me which was stupid on my part...very very stupid..and it was so upsetting that i wanted to come home before i even got there...like turn around and come home.. the same old fears and wants bombarded me ..and i just struggled to deal with it all...

the wedding was nice .. everyone had a nice time..it was good hanging out with nia and rob and henry and sarah and noa and curvon..it was good seeing ms morris..it was nice seeing mommies new house..me and sarah found a fun new little place to eat..we had an adult day while nia took the kids to the amusement park with rob and henry...there were good parts to the trip...dont get me wrong .. there were..  there were good times, we lots of laughing and smiling and fun...

the sad times though have a way of overshadowing everything...

i know now that it is a 7 and a half hour drive to mommy in Ohio... which is also how long it takes me to get to nia is SC.  I know we arent going anywhere for Thanksgiving, but that i will be willing to drive to either for Christmas..

Had therapy last week and cried through most of the session...we talked about the trip...i was so frustrated with myself for crying but i was reminded that therapy is a safe place to cry! so im trying to be ok with that too...

note to self ... i need to by a scale ... i probably shouldnt ..but i want one... this is the last week of the nutrition program and so i wont be in the clinic weekly anymore and so no more getting weighed every week.. im sad to see the program end though ... i really am

now that things are ending ..its time to buckle down and look for another job ... gotta put my pharmacy stuff to use.. im going to apply to take the test at the end of sept ..and im hoping to have a job by then cas i have some things we need for the house ...and i have some things i need..like a new computer cas this one isnt working and it is frustrating the heck out of me...but like christmas stuff and planning a cruise for next year and all of that kinda stuff..and probably in the new year ill be cutting back on my hours with sarah ...so yeah..gotta put these last four months to good use !  and of course with a car payment now and stuff and budgetting ..yep...def need some extra income !!  so we will see how things go ..

oh and the new med situation ... well i truly think we have fallen into the right combination ... i do..not the right doasge yet..i think the abilify needs to be tweaked just a bit .. but i am getting bursts of energy and motivation to just get up and do stuff...ive been cleaning and organizing..ive been cooking and going out ..i can tell when things start to wear off and im going to ask her about taking it in the morning ... again i feel more awake most days ... right now i know that being around has kunda made things harder ..but im not trying to hurt myself either..im trying to manage and cope...im talking to sarah..and doing other stuff.. i mean im safe you know..

but im gonna go and lay down for a little bit longer ... im tired right now