well...i got a car ...

since its 1am and i cant seem to sleep..i guess ill write about my car adventure ....


so on thursday ... i had set up a meeting to go to a dealership and talk to someone about a car...on a recommendation from a friend of mine... now in my mind i was only going to talk you know.. i mean the last time i had been to a dealer ship was like right after i graduated from college so like 2006..before the big mess with all the dealerships closing down and stuff..and so you know it generally took a couple days of shopping around and filling out paperwork and stuff for a car to kinda come through ... so i was basing things on that and thinking i was truly just going to talk and maybe fill out some paperwork and hopefully hear something back in a couple days... well wed. night i finally got around to printing out all of the infor the dude needed.. work and bank stuff .. the whole nine yards...i got it all ready and organized.. i was prepared... actually i was totally prepared to be told no i dont qualify.. i mean my credit isnt great .. i have a steady income but im not rolling in extra money each month you know.. how can i get a car...i was plagued with doubt...thursday morning comes along and im yelling through the apartment to sarah that i am not going and that its a bad idea...i was sick with anxiety and afraid to go..i was utterly convinced that this was such a bad idea and i was just going to be rejected...sarah somehow got me up and moving enough to get me out of the house...and on the drive there i really had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself that i was a grown up and that i could go to the dealership and talk to them without mommy ... i had to remind myself that i was prepared...i had the information they needed..i knew what i could afford.. i was just going to talk.. i was so panicked i was practically in tears but i kept telling it to myself until i got there...and i did get there... the guy i met with was nice..really young lol..but nice ... he worked with my to fill out the application..he answered my questions .. and before i even realized what was truly happening my application had been approved and i was showed my credit score...which by the way was a lot higher than  i thought i was... my information was given to the finance person and sent out to the banks ... i was being asked all sorts of questions about my budget and down payments and monthly payments..and still in my mind..i am thinking that i am still going to be told to come back you know...when 2 hours in ... all of a sudden i realize that they are looking for a car for me...like i suddenly like just clicked that they are looking for a car for me when he asked me if i wanted to trade in my old car...and i was completely floored ... like on what planet was this happening on floored... i asked him to explain the process because my old car was already paid off... and he did ... and i of course and sitting in there wondering how in the hell im going to make a down payment on a car with no money... but luck was truly on my side that day because not only was i financed for a car but my old cars trade in value was accepted for the down payment.  i went in at 10am...and by 4pm that afternoon i drove away in a new car with the registration and plates all in my name... and as i drove away the stress of the upcoming trip just completely fell away... no more worrying about renting a car...no more worrying about money for the trip...everything has almost completely fallen into place... no of course i cant just go and blow money because there are still bills to pay and medicine to pick ..but a load of stress has lifted.... it is nice to be able to go to my car and not worry if it is going to start...to not worry if something is going to be wrong with it..yes i will have to go back to have a car payment ..but i will manage... yes ill have to go back to actually looking for another job ... but i will manage ... its just a part of life...one more trip and then i guess summer is officially over....

Another Year

After seeing Britney this week, I have been thinking very hard about how I feel about divine intervention and the afterlife.  How I feel about guardian angels and if Nicole is truly watching over me.  Do I believe she is in a better place.  What do I believe.  I am not a religious person but I do believe in faith.  I believe in heaven and hell.  I believe in the there being an afterlife, I believe in the ability to come back and fix things, i believe in second chances, I believe in guardian angels, and if I wanted to be truly honest with myself I do believe that Nicole has watched over me for my entire life.  There have been a lot of times that i have cried and wished for her to close her eyes and to not see the things i have done, but I believe she is always with me watching and looking out for me.  I mean I have done some very stupid and very dangerous things and I am still alive.  I have been hell bent on killing myself and I am still alive. Some how I am still alive after so many passive attempts to kill myself.  Britney talked to me about survivors guilt, we talked about a lot of things but the survivors guilt is sticking with me, how much i have blamed myself for her dying, how much i have blamed myself for not being able to save her.  She was in the process of rejecting the transplanted liver when she died.  I was 2 and they could not take my liver.  I am trying to remind myself of this, because I keep wanting to go back to the old thoughts of 'why didnt they use mine, because i had to have been a match' i just had to have been.  or i was the healthier one so that means i stole all of the nutrients from her and made her sick..so it is really is my fault that she was so sick..when i know full well that fraternal twins do no share an egg sac thing.  i know this stuff.. but i still try to carry the blame.  i believe everyone blames me.   i was brave this year and posted on facebook and i am surprised at the responses i have gotten.. i have not thought maybe about how others maybe feel or what they remember at all.. i dont remember but i have discounted that family remembers older than me maybe do remember. and by me posting my picture they will remember and tell me. maybe not.  maybe they still grieve too.  i dont know.  i didnt really post it for others though...i posted it really for me. so that i can grieve.  because i have been trying to grieve for so many years in secret .. but this year maybe i can grieve openly a little bit ... still quietly but not in secret ...  i cried while i was britney and was able to acknowledge that i truly do miss my sister ..very very much .. i almost made it the whole day without breaking down even ... but as the day ends and my mind begins to quiet...my thoughts begin to drift and i realize that my head is sad...a little broken...a little lost ... and so i am trying to cope..i have music on..i am writing .. im trying to organize my thoughts so that i can get them out..and not keep them trapped in my head... i am fighting the tears though ..i still fight the tears

..

hhhmmmmm

steroid cream is so sexy .... omg im so itchy on my sides lol .. at least the doc listened and gave my something to try out ..cas im about to lather up and take a nap as i think about all the shit im supposed to be working on today ... - sigh -   oh well ...  

crapola the itching is suddenly like a million times worse cas im thinking about it...

like hey you wanna torture info out of me...just make me itch for a couple days and not let me scratch and ill tell you my life story !   yep... ill tell it all lol ... good heavens ..

good heavens ..

but my doc appt went fine this morning.. i was even on time ..

the metformin is in the end going to end up being increased to 2 pills twice a day .. but for now im going to keep doing 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening for a couple more weeks to make sure my stomach is ok... i have to ..have to make sure i am taking it before i eat ..so prevent the stomach upsets from happening ..which is fine... its so much easier in the morning because i know i have to eat in the morning ...things are a little harder in the evenings but that is just something i have to work on more consistently ..  and of course i need to stay on top of checking my sugar at home ..

my weight is holding steady right now which is fine ... im stuck on eating sandwiches and fruit cups..and cereal ... not very inventive i know ..but it works .. i may ask gail if she wouldnt mind making my some egg rolls tomorrow... i kinda want some more of those ..

i see britney tomorrow ... and the bh lady... and on thursday my nerves are all over the place about going to possibly see if i can get a car...be approved for a car....scary...scary...but im hoping i can be..ill figure out the money part later ...right now i just want the bank to say yes ..gosh...

fear and anxiety about later in the week ..so i dont want to really touch on that ..

maybe laying down for a little while is a good idea ... i dont know...

famous people and mental illness

i truly get that any and everyone can have a mental illness ... i understand that any and everyone can commit suicide ...

what i disagree with is that when a famous person commits suicide..the world hurts for them..the world cares for them...the world is sad for them, for their family..the world is concerned suddenly for every single depressed person all of a sudden.. suddenly there is a major need for more access to mental services...suddenly if you need help there is a million posts on social media for help lines, tips for reaching out, guidelines for getting help, a million and one 'you are not alone' messages.  In my small corner of the world depression, mental illness, struggling, suicidal thoughts and all of this did not just suddenly materialize because one famous person committed suicide. Yes, I listened to Linkin Park. Yes, I loved their music, and I am truly sorry he was hurting so much, that he turned to suicide.  I hurt for him the same way I hurt for the people who day by suicide every single day and they are not splashed all across the news and social media.  They are not the faces of mainstream depression or why everyone needs to speak up and get the help that is out there right now.  It is not fair in all honesty.  Help is not free, Help is not easy to get, Help is damn expensive, Help can hurt you and leave you more broken than when you started.  Help is not that lovely, warm, catch you when you fall dream that some people seem to think it is. For now though, everyone is saying how important it is to ask for help and get help,  who is offering to pay for all of this offered help ?  who is going to pay for the medication?  or take me to appointments ?  when the 'help' high wears off who is still going to be in my helping corner?  depression doesn't stop when the media attention goes away you know.  it doesn't begin again when another famous person dies. I don't exist to be your personal charity case when the hot topic is depression and saving someone, that is not how this works.

so yes i am sorry he died.  i am sorry every day for anyone who has reached that point and commits suicide. i am sorry the news and social media has a fucking field day with it and turns it into a circus for the people who live with mental illness every fucking day and continues to deal with life because it is what we do.

disordered eating and forgetting her (nicole)

i have been avoiding writing in a big big way...i dont really know why though ... maybe i am afraid of where my thoughts are drifiting and i dont want to acknowledge them..i dont want to get them out and have to look at them...if i can hide from them then maybe i can keep pretending that they are not really there ..that they are not really getting bad again ...and that i am okay ..you know ...

ive noticed the past few days that i am judging myself rather harshly .. that i am comparing ... that i am condemning myself based on rules and guidelines that i am not even sure i am aware of ..but i do know that i am failing to live up to the expectations ... i fear that my disordered eating is wanting to get kicked into high gear but because of the medication and the fact that i HAVE to eat that it cant ... the fact that not eating for just like less than 12 hours turns me into a horrible mean and grouchy persons means that i cant go days without eating anymore.. the medication and medical issues have put a stop to that little plan... my eating has certainly changed though...i am eating less... i cant handle super crazy big meals anymore .. i get full easily ..  and im not snacking as much . i still have random days of like wanting to eat everything in sight .. but my days of binging dont happen like they used to.. its so hard to explain you know..i do eat..i mean im not starving and im not barfing ... i dont really eat three meals a day though...most days its like 2 meals ... some days i have to force that second meal in because my stomach hurts a lot in the evenings or im not hungry... its weird.. i eat a lot of fruit cups .. but i am noticing that my thinking around food is getting a bit ..ok its getting a lot disordered again...im losing weight and i think that is a direct correlation to the current influx of off thinking ...like i need to get more effective...i need to lose faster...i have to do better...etc .. but at the same time the need to sabotage is strong ... and its like trying to lose and not lose at the same time .. it truly is a daily battle with myself ... is it a good day or a not good day you know...constantly bickering with myself to just eat and not go overboard..but these are secret thoughts..not to be voiced to anyone else ..  yet it is never ending chatter ... food food food ...  -sigh-

my mind is so focused on the date ... i watch the calendar and the clock...i watch and wait ... i think about it and the guilt builds up and the shame builds up and i  dont know what to do with it.. i just watch the calendar ...and wait as another year comes to an end and i am here and she is not and i wait..another year of silence ...but this year i have my own picture of us together ...this year i wont forget her ... this year i will try hard to remember ... i keep trying to hard to remember her and nothing is there .. and i have forgotten ...  her memory is lost to me.. what kind of sister am i to have forgotten her?  to have let her memory fade away.. ?  no one tells me about her ..and i wonder if anyone at all remembers her anymore ?  has anyone kept her memory alive ?  am i alone in trying hard to remember her ?   i keep watching the calendar ..because the day draws near... i fear it coming every year ...  i fear that i do not remember .. i am ashamed that i have forgotten

im fine

There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am so tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired. I dont know what to do or say and i would prefer to stay in bed and not have to deal with anything. I don't think I am really believed when i tell the doctors that I do not have time to have a proper breakdown, as there is no time. After a night of tossing and turning, I woke up this morning to complete the mid-term exam for the pharmacy class that needs to be turned in today. Yesterday after some not so good choices, I still showed up for my doctors appointment in the afternoon because it was to late to cancel it. It did not matter that I found out yesterday morning that I will be losing the pdoc who i have worked with for what 4 or more years ? She will no longer be working in the mental health portion of the clinic, they need her down in the medical part of the clinic. Which means she may as well be gone to us. So immediate shut down, and as she so nicely told me yesterday she is not a therapist and so she didnt have to sit and wait for me to talk to her again, and that i was to old to act like this. She said she would rather i yelled at her or said anything so i said nothing. She knows, i swear she knows how hard it is for me to deal with people leaving and she tells me this ..and what does she expect me to do? so downhill spiral was instant and immediate. why is it so easy to automatically go after myself ? hurt myself , get back at myself in someway, punish myself..stop thinking and just hurt over and over ..in as many ways possibly because that is all that matters..that is all that counts..i knew i had another doctors appointment later that afternoon and i planned to go and sit through it quietly.. not that it actually worked out like that..and i was a wimp and cried ....but before that i got new razors .. but to make it a happy occasion i also got sarahs birthday stuff.. paranoia is way up and just buying razors at the store freaks me out ... in the grand scheme of things that should be the least of my worries .. long story short ..i told my doc i fell and denied needing help for anything at all.. i told her my plan was to stop everything .. meds, appts, no more docs, no more therapy, because everyone leaves in the end.. and i feel so abandoned ..and hopeless and feel so alone right now and lost and empty..and hurt...really really hurt ..and lets just throw in sick for my troubles ..stupid medicine .. so doc had a convo with me about not giving up and i may have mumbled something along the lines of ok...but i do what to give up...i really really do want to give up ...but again i cant..there is no time..sarahs birthday is wed..i have to feed the cats..i have to go to class..im supposed to be going home this weekend..see my schedule is to full...i cant pencil in giving up anywhere just yet..my stomach is to sick to handle food..but hey i lost 3 pounds in 2 days...everyone should be happy right ..yay me... im not really though... im drowning in sadness .. actually maybe im just drowning .. i have a couple hours to pull myself together before i have to go face the world again .. put on my im fine face and hold back the tears ... because all anyone needs to know is that im fine ... thats all that matters .. so it doesnt really matter what i am doing to myself as long as everyone believes im fine..then im fine ..tons of happy smiles and rainbows and unicorns
(depressing isnt it :( ) but yeah... im fine

"I hate the killing. I hate the violence. But I cannot stand aside and let others die for me. I will fight, too. I can't kill. Don't ask me to kill. 
-sarafina 

fears and things

i really wish i could think cleary and make sense but right now my thinking is all over the place...mostly negative ...sometimes im not even sure what im even thinking about ..its like nothing is there ..im just kinda laying down and nothing is in my head ... but my thinking when i am aware of it does have that sorta suicidal tone to it again ..like the thoughts are there but my body and mind are to out of it and to tired to put the effort into doing any thing ..like oh there is a thought..let me watch it float on by because im certainly not acting on it right this minute type thing ... but they are there ...

my mind is currently stuck on this medication issue and it has me afraid ... and i finally am realizing that i am afraid to make the medication change because i am deathly afraid of coming off of the effexor ... i came off before and almost ended up in the hospital... i came off cold turkey ..i seem to have issues with tapering off of meds ..its like ok you want me to stop so ill stop..i see no reason to drag it out ..but effexor is crazy dangerous to do that with ..i know that ..and i am currently fighting myself hard to not just go ahead and stop the medicine already because i know it will drive up my symptoms of well craziness .. and as with all things i cant afford to go to the hospital..i dont have time to be in the hospital ... but i dont have money to buy a bunch of medicine either ..and i had been getting the wellbutrion from crossover which means waiting for it to come in...  and with it being the holiday the clinic is closed tomorrow and tuesday..so i cant even get her until wed...maybe i could call britney...i dont know..i dont want to talk...but i just keep thinking and my head keeps filling up with stuff ..and overwhelming me and i keep trying to escape into sleep..maybe that is what i will just keep doing ..sleeping the days away for now just to stop the thinking ... im tired of thinking ..

in the mean time ..i have become and unfeeling , irritable, leave me alone, dont touch me.. i need silence ALWAYS not so nice person ... sigh ...i truly just want to be left alone ..like talking to noa tonight took a heck of a lot of effort and that made me feel so sad ... talking to sarah takes so much effort these days ... i dont want her to touch me and we dont play anymore .. and i love her company and being around her and things ..but i cant get past my need for utter solitude .. for silence ... i know it is causing a strain ...  im just kinda tired ... this time of year also is not a good time of year for me right anyway...so yeah ... a lot of little things ... a lot of big things ... just a lot of stuff going on ...