weight

things have been all over the place lately to put it nicely... and well in the midst of everything i have been losing a little bit of weight ... i went swimming last weekend and i wore my bathing suit ,,hence the picture .... it has been a long time since i have acutally worn it and it fit quite nicely in my opinion ..like it surprised my at how it fit..

like its been five weeks into the program now and i believe ive lost about 12 pds so far..eating better...making better choices... i still struggle with binge days .. and not good choices..or days like today where i eat so early that now im hungry and want to munch now that im laying down and ready for bed..but my body is changing and that is a scary scary thing. 

but im going back to the pool tomorrow to swim again with sarah and that is exciting. 

very very hurt
that is all

thinking irrational thinks

i have been trying to write this for a while now..my attention wavers in so many different directions ..searching for so many unknown things..i know my thinking has become more and more irrational as the day as gone on ..bordering on downright harmful in some aspects..but i am to tired and in to much physical pain to fight against them .. like the current physical pain is enough that some thoughts are centering on punishment, on forgetting the rules, on becoming to soft, to easy on myself..before this stomach pain was nothing, i went to work and lived with it daily..now one day has knocked me on my ass and im ready to call the doctor in tears because it hurts so much. yet i am reminded that it is indeed my fault. because I didnt pay attention. because i didnt take the medicine correctly. so the pain is mine to deal with. so deal with it i must it seems. that is just the tip of the iceberg of thinking as i have lain in bed this afternoon trying and failing not to be sick. if i know i am irrational then how can i not listen to myself? i mean there is truth in there? i mean in all the current chaos i did mess up the medicine and now i am paying for it right ? mommy is ignoring me so i guess she must be mad at me or like someone better ? and sarah has so much extra help what does she need me for ? and just all sorts of thinking thinks...

well ...

things are maybe sorta beginning to calm down in some ways ?   the boys were here this weekend and i actually took them to the pool...like i actually got in the pool with them..in a bathing suit..i did have a tshirt on but i couldnt cover up the scars on my legs ... and i tried not to over stress about it..and i had a good time with them...gosh i have missed swimming ...i managed a couple hours and even managed to swim some laps too...it was so relaxing in the pool even if i was playing with the boys and swimming..it wasnt crowded and it wasnt a crazy hot day...i got out after a couple of hours but let the boys play for another hour or so before we left the pool... so we stayed for around 3 hours before calling it quits ... but boy am i tired..im not sore though...  i asked sarah if she would go back with me so i could go swimming again..and she said she would .. maybe if i had help we could get her into the 2 ft section and she could just relax in the water you know .. 

it just sucks at how much fear gets in the way of things ... so years i have just kind of vetoed going to the pool and stuff because of being so afraid of  the scars and what ppeople think and being ashamed ... and ive missed out on doing so many things that i actually like doing and its just like life has become so 'small and safe' i guess..like i only do what i know is ok ..what i know ill be ok at..i dont take any chances..i dont step to far out of my comfort zone at all...and it does make me sad ..when i do end up stepping out of my comfort zone and i have fun..and then its like why was so worried..why did i stress my self out to the point of panic and anxiety and overwhelming fear ??? why did i talk myself out of it because of being affraid when it could of been so much fun ?? how do i let go of the fear ?  how do i become more comfortable ?

hopefully this week things will begin to calm down further ... we may have figured out things with sarah and it could be one of her medications..she hasnt taken it for a couple days and she is more herself and that is really really good..she has an appt with a new psych doc so hopefully they will go over all of her medications and find ones that work well together for her..but i hope this will continue to be a upwards move and things will contnue to improve and the crisis team stuff will decrease ...

tomorrow is my last day in the pharmacy and my last day of class in july 13th !  it is closing in soon!  i have a lot of math to work on though..and well a lot of work in general to work on actually lol..im a little bit behind with that ... i may work on the resume tonight though... im doing well in the food farmacy class though and since starting it, i have lost almost 10 pounds.. almost ... i have another cooking class this week..and hopefully this week ill feel more like cooking ... this past week ive been so much more stressed and tired and havent been wanting to cook at all ... my blood pressure on friday was 122/82... i honestly cant remember the last time the top number was that low!  maybe the program is a good idea you know...some days i feel like im trying and some days i feel like im just kinda floating out in left field with direction at all and have no idea what im doing ... and it is rough because i feel like everyone else is doing so much better than me and im just struggling so much much you know... i feel so inexperienced in the whole vegetable realm .. and i dont know how to manage them correctly and stuff...maybe i can ask someone to help me next time ..with like cutting them down and how to prepare them for the freezer and things.. maybe i can email sarah ann and ask her about it.

i kinda took myself out today to build a bear and to bath and body works.  it was fun.  it was nice having a bit of time to myself after having the boys this weekend ... just some total peace and quiet for a little while .. i wasnt able to stay out for to long because anxiety still wins out and i get anxious being out for to long by myself ..but i was ok for the most part for a couple hours ...

so for now im just writing and listening to music until sarahs crisis person is finished..and then ill prolly do dinner and then work on organizing and cleaning up my room and the litter boxes ... im tired ..like really tired but i cant seem to go to sleep ...  im almost cautiously thinking i have a tad bit more energy you know ...  its so weird ...  my body feels different...lighter in some ways ... i do have times when i have to fight myself not to self sabotage in big ways...i get so scared when i start to lose weight... i really do... but why???  why do i get scared..i mean i do have some unhealthy views of weight and body image and all of that ... but losing weight triggers something... but im not 100% sure of what it is ...

Nicole and I

i now have my very own picture of the two of us.  i plan to get it framed.  it means so very much to me that mommy gave me one.   no one can take it from me at all.

rough

things are just rough
im tired
im overwhelmed
im frustrated
im sad
im feeling like my space is being invaded in a big big big big way and there is nothing i can do about it ... i feel helpless and at a loss on how to help sarah .. she has been in the hospital this week and they sent her home without finding her a bed ..even though something is wrong ... a mental health crisis .. the hospital was all sorts of shady with getting her discharged..her psychiatrist is out of town and so things are a bit heated right now and it just feels like blame is being thrown around and tempers are up.. and it all just leaves me feeling so helpless because  i am at a loss for how to help at this point .. because it has been a steady downhill type thing and and it is so hard watching and being unable to do anything to make it better... and so now one of her mental health ppl seems to think she is in charge and that kinda pisses me off .. but ok ill step back and let that go i guess .. i mean im not stupid ... i do know how to handle crisis situations... i dont like being treated like im a child ..  no one seems to be taking into account that i live here too... and i guess in the grand scheme of things ... it is just that i am here to help sarah and i guess it would be good if i just remember that too..and do what im asked to do ..or be where im supposed to be or do what everyone expects me to do right ?  drop everything and stay here?  because again..its not about me .. so how may i help you

as i have said before ... i don't have time for any type of any crisis..so im trying to maintain some control over myself..right now im just tired you know...my body is tired..but i have to keep moving ..i have to keep doing stuff because that is what is expected right ? get up and get out..smile..but i dont feel much like talking ... i really dont ... there is to much going on in my head..my thoughts are pretty sad and negative right now...tired and negative and so i am hiding in the silence..so that no one has to be bothered with what i am thinking about..

today will be another busy day ... ill dig up some energy from somewhere...

lets see how i measure up on the failure meter today .

anxiety is rising ...

 it seems that no matter what i do my anxiety is steadily going up these past couple days ... and i am quietly freaking out and attacking myself in small ways... not letting myself eat.. picking on myself..bullying myself...wondering why i cant be better..wondering why im not pretty or why i dont have like three jobs or 3.5 kids or a big house .. why i cant be emotionally stable or eat healthy 100% of the time or why i cant go exercise or like myself on a continuous basis ... or why i have to be me ..and i hate being me.im no good at it ...i hate it... no one even likes me ... and i know im being irrational right now..because i have made friends and i know i have people who like me and care about me and my well being and enjoy my company..but right now my focus is stuck on Saturday and my inability to make myself perfect between now and then isnt able to happen and it depresses me...im disappointment in myself..i feel like i havent tried hard enough.. i feel like im going to be judged by mommy and everyone there ... and i truly just want to go and have fun..but im so terrified that ill go and just be a disappointment .. and it makes me feel like a child and that i cant escape and that ill fail .. and it makes me want to cry ..

im feeling a bit stressed out now with class because things are moving more into math and i am not good with math and im already feeling like a failure and im not understanding it very well..i dont want to mess up but i feel like a failure already ..and it sucks because ive tried so hard...im not going to stop trying ... im not going to fail..i dont want to fail but fighting the thoughts are draining me ...

im finally seeing britney tomorrow after 2 long weeks ... i have a lot crowding in my head so seeing her will be a good thing...i dont ill be able to see her the week after though because of money but hopefully the week after that ill be able to go back to every week..i hope..it is hard paying out of pocket ... this week has been harder money wise .. blah .. this week i just hate money i guess .. i still need to get a couple meds that i forgot about and still travel and it is just causing more stress as i try to make it all work and make it all fit together without coming back with absolutely no money...

i cant really look for a second job now due to all of the summer obligations i already have ..but come fall i truly will have to get a second job..and im hoping one will open up in a pharmacy for me ...i truly am..  plus i am trying to save up for a couple vacations ... well possibly three vacations lol definites are florida in january ... and texas in july ... alaska may get pushed back a bit ... but the water park in texas does sound pretty cool. and florida is to go to harry potter world at universal studios and pandora world at animal kingdom in disney world ...  im not sure what the holidays are going to look like for this year...i kind of hope im working in all honesty .. but we will see how it all works out.. and with mommy moving ..who knows what the plan will be ...

but going home on friday for her retirement party on saturday and then she will be moving towards the end of june ... who knew it would actually happen.. i dont think i ever believed mommy would actually retire ... but she is ...i think the heart attack scared her a lot ...

but im getting a headache .. so im going to lay down..this took a while to write since i took so many breaks and had so many distractions going on ...

i have been making changes ...

well it has been interesting the past week or so .. i have been making changes..like really actually trying with eating and things and trying new vegtables and watching what im eating and noting when im over eating and stuff and beginning to cut back... like in the past week ive tried collards, zuchiinni and squash...three things i have NEVER eaten and probably swore i would never eat in my life..and here i am trying them... and i maybe even liked the zuchinni and squash..im eating yogurt and granola again.. im still snacking a lot but im aware of it..im back on ALL of my meds as of well yesterday ... and i go in tomorrow for my a1c check... im nervous about it but well it is what it is..im just hoping it has gone down..please let it have gone down...

it has been really stressful though the past few weeks and no therapy and lost a support person and class stuff and starting interning and just a lot going on...going home next weekend and picking up jaylen and seeing a bunch of people at the retirement party and so i am still heavy in judgement mode ... like i have a week to magically become someone else...someone better ...someone different .. someone just not me ...  and it makes me so very sad that all i am is me .. it makes me sad that i feel so very unimportant .. that even now i wish so much to be beautiful and better and just more ...and still i am just me ... and there is absolutely nothing special about me ... my head is feeling heavy with negative thoughts today... but i gotta get ready for class ...

my computer has been acting up and that is really annoying me so very much ...

do i truly not matter as a person?

i am sad...very very sad..i am feeling incredibly unimportant..like me doing anything outside of sarah is frowned upon..i dont know.  its not the first time ive been asked to stop something im doing to come home ..and it wont be the last..it just hurts knowing that everyone expects me TO drop everything ..

just frustrated to the extreme

im frustrated and angry right now... mommy called this morning fishing for information i guess...her and man had been talking about me and my plans and i despise being talked about.. it is a major trigger because it causes paranoia..it makes me think i am being picked on or made fun of...and it is frustrating and confusing.  i didnt lie. but i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything because it will get back to her ... no matter what... i will just keep my silence because every fucking thing gets back to her..thats why i dont post truly on facebook because it gets back to her..nothing is safe from her..and i hate that..is it any surprise i am so paranoid???  any surprise that i dont talk a lot.. or share anything .. i dont feel safe .. maybe that is at the bottom of all of this...i just dont feel safe.. im glad she is moving..i really really am..