mommy is coming

Against my wishes and trying..she is coming ...they are coming..I feel like crap... I look like crap... and I don't have the energy to care...but anxiety is up majorly

i dont feel well

I currently feel like death
..I  tired and cranky..I can't focus..My head hurts..nauseous..cramps...so many different things going on.. And I'm just trying to get through the days...right now my goal is to make it to ten..And go home..that is my goal...

worthless body

My appointment to see the doc had been moved up to the 2nd...I just want to cry because I'm thinking that this is going to be something major...this is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened..I've tried every form of birth control there is and still the bleeding comes and doesn't stop...I don't know what's wrong or why.. I'm afraid that I will be told that I need to be referred out again..more exams..more ultrasounds..more pain and fear and being constantly triggered..I just want it to stop and it won't and I'm not sure that I have many options left for trying to control it...it may not be fixed with the shot..that I can't get a whole month early..and that is why I have to see the doctor first and talk about my options..what options are left...the d&c thing is what hasn't been tried and I'm not feeling particularly keen to have my uterus scraped out..nothing to do but wait..but I'm already convincing myself I have some incurable disease.. i can't stop the thoughts.. I'm trying so hard and I can't stop them...

frustration

super frustrated right now and highly pissed off and tired and hungry and just want to lay down..no..this is not a good combination at all

goals

For some reason ... I like having my list 

2 hour session

I had a 2 hour therapy session today...to say my brain is done is putting it nicely..my head can't handle anything else at all...I'm so drained.. right now...so so drained!! She actually came with a plan of things to talk about and work on because betting on me wasn't going to happen lol..I walked in there with no idea what to talk about..so we hit on a lot of stuff.. actually talked about goals and triggers and budget and Sarah and the support group and I let her know I'm being safe..we talked about my goals I have with Sarah..more on the apartment stuff...we talked about work and well just a lot of stuff..it was good ..just overwhelming ..after all is said and done...there is a lot on my mind right now...a super lot and I'm tired at work...ugh

i dont remember

i know that i have a bad memory...ive spent a couple hours tonight and prolly on and off for the past few days..trying to figure out when i started the depo shots..because my period has actually started and im trying to figure out how long ive been without it..the shot is working ..but i really was at tantrum level today about the whole issue and ready to go and tell my doctor that the shot isnt working...i just struggle so much with the whole period thing and the issues are very deep and troubling and the whole thing is a major trigger..and its just been a non consistent issue for the past like month...cramps here and there..a little bit of spotting..but the past week it all intensified..and the cramps are coming with a vengence..but i cant remember when i started the shots..has it been six months..nine months ..or a year..i suck so badly at recalling things and i cant match up time frames correctly .. and so trying to remember is causing me to forget even more and doubt all of it..and i feel stupid for not being able to remember the simple stuff..i forget the important stuff..the non important stuff..and it just ..its hard..it makes me feel bad...

lack of beauty and ramblings

there has been a lot on my mind recently...self esteem and confidence are really low..and i just spend a lot of time wishing i could be someone else..anyone else...im ashamed of the scars..and feel ugly..i look in the mirror and the negative stuff starts up immediately..i try to stop it or think of other things to fight them with..but instead all i end up doing is wishing that i could be a beautiful person..someone who is wanted and needed...and instead all i have is me..all i am is me..and that depresses me a lot...i just feel like i should be better..i should be doing more..i should be fighting to get healthy and to be happy...but the more i try the more i sabotage it all and then stop caring ..and yes it is a vicious cycle that i am stuck in...the disordered eating stuff hasnt exactly picked up but the thoughts are there...and now with all of my stomach issues ..it is all just a pain..i wish i could accept myself and who i am..and i think i have times when i get really close to doing it..to accepting and letting things go..but then i stop..or something gets to me and i start the whole process all over again..and it is frustrating..i try to avoid the mirrors because i dont want to look at myself...and i think some of it also has to do with being on fetlife and seeing people post all these cool pictures and stuff..but i am so scarred that i could never do that...not that i would be comfortable with it anyway i dont think..but still even on a site where anything goes..i am still censoring things...fear,,judgement, shame and guilt all play a part in it..and i guess with the shame issues picking up...i am once again remembering why it is that i am my own worst enemy..i just feel so stupid for evening worrying about this...but all my life ive been told and asked 'why cant i be like so and so' ... i was doomed to failure from the get go..trying to achieve what someone else has..or trying to be like someone else..and i cant do it..and so i keep failing and yeah this whole thing is depressing me hell out of me..but i need to get the thoughts out ..and keep them slightly separate..but i see it all..and the paranoia starts and i swear im being watched and judged..like everyone has xray vision and im the joke that everyone is making fun of and laughing at .. i dont feel pretty or special often..and really the only person who does make me feel pretty is sarah..but im not going to go finishing for compliments just so that i feel better about myself...this is just one of those if i had grown up different..how different would i be ? would i be the same person?

disconnected

The past two days has been really hard..um trying to get it together and I have moments where I feel like I'm all together but mostly it just feels like I'm not connected to anything... my brain doesn't want to stay where it is supposed to stay..and I guess some of it has to do with the pain and cramps from my period starting..the cramps are bad and its making me feel so out of it and cranky and short tempered..and its making my back hurt..actually my whole lower stomach area hurts and I feel like I'm starving and I just want to eat chocolate and I'm so frustrated with everything.. I paid the rent and my car insurance with this check..and it just made me sadder...mommy asking to borrow money has left me with nothing...and there is a limit on asking for it back..I can only ask to borrow up to 20 and no more..I was going to try to get my meds and I can't now ...another two weeks before that is an option.. I guess I have some food .. it will pretty much be grilled cheese. pdandj and noodles...for the next two weeks..how I'm gonna budget for cat food and litter us beyond me right this minute..I need gas for next week and the worry and stress makes me just feel worried band scared..and stressing out doesn't help anything at all..and I just feel useless because I can't do anything at all..I can't get out of survival mode and I keep getting stuck in my head and I can't get out... hopeless I guess

really need to regroup

Yesterday was just an all around really truly bad day..from the time I woke up until I went to bed it was something...Ugh...Just sucky and frustrating and upsetting..I'm a little calmer today..No work today and I'm really glad I'm off on Monday..

i need to write ..before i scream...

going to write really fast

im afraid that i will have to go to the doctor about my stomach issues..i go in a couple weeks for my shot stuff so ill make an appointment then..im just tired of all the issues and eating and getting sick and just not feeling good...something is going on with my stomach and now my throat and im tired of it...i really am..i dont feel good..the coughing i have decided is not from getting sick..its something about some weird stuff going on and im not really sure what to do...im tired of this..is a very very big way...i just want to lay down and sleep for a couple days because of not feeling well...and im in a really bad mood because im not feeling good.. and im majorly pissed off and annoyed about not being able to get my transcripts and things are just going downhill again and i dont know how to get it to stop..im back to wanting razors.to ahve.to keep..to use..i dont know..i better get going ..work calls

There is so much rolling around in my head...sigh

majorly anxious

Something has me feeling really anxious and I'm picking at everything..My fingers..My face..currently about 7 fingers are a bleeding mess..And if I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I would put bandaid on..they are sore and look gross and I can't seem to,leave them alone...I'm feeling quiet ..really quiet ..I don't know what is going on..I just feel like hiding