today i guess the past is rearing its ugly with a vengence...prolly been triggered by a mix of facebook things going on for other people and to much criminal minds in one day...so my mind is bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball...throughts and feelings cropping up and just kinda being shuffled around in my head...so i decided to write and see if i can get a handle on things...maybe ..i dont know...
so there is a friend on fb that has posted that her mom is going to clue her in on things that happened in her childhood...and i am aching with jealously because there is so much in my childhood that i dont remember and so seeing someone whose mom is like ok im just going to tell you floors me...but at the same time feelings of anger come up also.... like how dare she keep that stuff to herself when she obviously sees that her child is struggling you know...why keep the secrets for so long..why keep protecting whoever for so long..and why did you not help back then ? what the crap... and it triggeres stuff for me becasue its like i just feel like everyone has lied to me and not told me the truth..it makes me think that someone knew something was wrong and no one stepped in..no one noticed me struggling...no one noticed her mean and hurtful comments and actions...no one saved me...that is it...no one saved me..but everyone can tell me how lucky i am...how did mommy manage to adopt so many kids and no one knew anything? no one has said anything..but i have to walk around struggling to get through the freaking day and struggling to piece together my childhood and what not and no one knows or saw or did anything...where was the protection? and now i am a screwed up adult with a lot of issues and still no one sees..but i guess by now i have perfected the art of hiding it all...but my body bears the fight i have had with myself on a regular basis...the fight i still have with myself on a regular basis...and still no one notices that something is wrong..and if they did notice would i tell them anything ?? or would i lie also .. to protect everyone else ? -sigh-
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