Post Birthday Thoughts and Rambles

Yesterday was my birthday and I had the absolute best birthday ever.  Sarah made sure of it. and I love her to death for it.  It is not often that I wish I could repeat a day, but i truly truly wish I could live inside of yesterday and just stay there.. I was happy yesterday.  I laughed and smiled and refused to place judgment on anything i did.. we went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant, we had cake and drinks at home, we went shopping for video games, we laughed and talked and planned trips and just had a really really good day together..and it was great..i got a lot of birthday well wishes and i loved them all..i got to talk to Noa and Marley and the boys...  not even mommy could bring me down yesterday.  Ive loved all of my presents and still my birthday stuff isnt even over yet..cas we are going to the state fair next week..and a friend is bringing over a cake next week..there is still trip to build a bear in the works with some friends...

i guess what im trying to say is that..i feel loved , i feel important..i feel so very special and loved and it makes me feel good...  it is a feeling that i dont want to go away..i want it to stay forever ..and i dont want to lose this feeling at all.. 

i turned 34 ... and gosh it has been a year..and yet..this is a year that i have grown and become the most stable in so many ways...there have been a heck of a lot of ups and downs..but in all of that sarah has been by my side cheering me on and supporting me...pushing me to step outside of my box..i have made friends..i have stood up for myself on the rare occasion but it has happened..things are different..so so different...and finally i feel like i can say that i can beginning to feel like i am living and not just surviving..i am stopping doing things that stress me out to the max..i am beginning to let sarah into my inner world more ..and telling her truly what is going on...i feel like the current medications are finally working for me and i feel like i have an actual outlook on life...i am not constantly thinking about death... im currently crying very easily lol..but im not wanting to die..i am able to have my sisters picture hanging up in my room and she is no longer a secret that i feel i have to hide...my friends know that i struggle with things but they are accepting of me as i am..and sarah has always been accepting of me just as i am..she tells me that she can see a big difference in me also and that she likes it, that she is happy for me...she stands behind me in my decisions and helps me when i fall...we have a place to live, we have a new car, we have a stable income and we are managing.. i have goals now...i am working on taking care of myself .. i want a future.. and i think that is what is different.. i actually want a future these days...i may not be able to see how it will be yet..but the want is there...the urge to get older and to be happy and safe and stable is settling into my bones... i still want to travel...i know i will always want to travel.. but the stability,  the safety net is becoming a big part of things too..and now i feel like i have to ability and the drive to actually create one... im no longer constantly fighting myself so hard to stay alive ... 

i turned 34 yesterday... and at 34.. i am finally beginning to see that there truly is a light at the end of this tunnel that i have been stuck for years...  i never thought i would see my way out...i never thought i would make it out alive.. yet here i am.. living.. maybe even beginning to thrive a bit in some areas.. but i am making it.  Who knew that I would be able to ever write anything like these.  Two years ago all I wanted to do was die, One year ago, I was invited out with co-workers for the first time in my life for my birthday.  This year though, this year things have majorly begun to shift into an upright position in a lot of ways. No this year has not been all happy rainbows and unicorns either and there were some serious bouts of wondering whether i would end up in the hospital. They were a scary few months of uncertainty and well craziness but i reached out with some strong willed help from the clinic and sarah and somehow we all got me through it and out on the other side.

 Dear god im gonna turn into one of those success stories eventually !!!! haha  

ill stop here for now...my thoughts are scattering a bit ... and i gotta get up anyway..busy busy morning !

birthday thoughts ...

tomorrow is my birthday and im turning 34 .... i dont mind the turning 34 part ... its the its being my birthday part that makes me sad...it highlights again the fact that my sister is not here ... that i am alone in that aspect of things ..and that drowns me in sadness....  its that i crave the attention of everyone telling me happy birthday almost to the point of obsession and then just wanting to be left alone .. but then getting so angry that i may be forgotten ... that people may forget about me ... i am so afraid of being gotten and so i have been obsessing all week about presents and mail and gifts and mail and reminding people about my birthday and did i mention presents ?? sarah has been helping but doing little things for me each day to make me happy and smile ..like i get one small present each day...yesterday i got flowers and a pop..which is like a bobble head thing..i collect those lol..it was of Thor...and i got roses...and the day before i got nias present in the mail which was a worry monster that i absolutely love...i cant wait to show her to Britney...i might need to use her before i see Britney..and ive gotten other gifts to ..a fingerling, a stuffed monkey, some barbies, a necklace... i finally feel like im in a place where i can get toys and things because i know i missed out on this stuff as a kid and i want it now and im mostly ok with that... i have a group of friends...a small group of friends that i have that i can play with..who accept me as i am and we have play parties and things and we have fun..and it makes me so so so happy to hang out with them..to laugh and play and just be for a little while... because i do feel judged a lot of the time for my likes and stuff...and if i had to analyze it ..which i hate doing ...i know it stems from childhood stuff... but the point is i like it..and it makes me happy you know... but i hate being laughed at for it and stuff...  but ive been trying hard to working on being calm and happy you know...doing things that make me smile right now because i know that in the quiet time the sadness desends and i am overwhelmed by it...and it makes me feel like im not trying hard enough..

it still hurts

i talked to my sister a little bit yesterday about the fiasco borrowing money from mommy was (ive also talked to sarah) and how she made me feel about and how hard it was to ask her in the first place..and my sister told me to try not to let it get to me ..that mommy isnt going to change ..and that she doesnt see how what she says hurts us and frustrates us...she said one of my brothers had called her earlier in the day and was talking to her about pretty much the same thing... mommy and her 'helping' talks thats really just leaves you feeling more hurt and sad and broken than when you began... i wish i was strong like my sister and not so easily broken ... that one conversation with mommy caused issues for 2 almost 3 days..and still i cant seem to let it go fully... i just feel that i am not trying hard enough..im not doing enough to keep myself afloat financially...ignoring the fact that since moving in with sarah we havent had to borrow money in more than a year and a half...or that we just came back from a major trip that took all of our money..or that i just got a new car and that is a new expense on the budget...forget all of that ..and just clue in on the fact that i asked her to borrow a small amount of money...and it just means i have failed ...and lets not forget the guilt trip of reminding me that ..if anything happened and my brothers or sister or mom needed me in an emergency i would not be able to go to them because i wouldnt have any money saved up..i would in a sense be utterly useless...that is all that i am..useless.... and i am trying to find another job to have more money coming in...im trying to learn to budget with sarahs help...im trying ..what else can  i do ? what other miracle of money can i make happen ?  between our two incomes i would say we are doing damn well .. its just been a little slow playing catch up after the trip..but talking to mommy and i feel like i have a secret gambling addiction or something ..because yes i do have things i pay that i dont plan on telling her about ... because paying for my medication and therapy out of pocket is an expense that i did not have a few months ago but i do now and  i have to handle that..and i dont want to change doctors again ...and i cant handle another change in medication that will land me in the hospital .. im not doing that to myself ...just to make her happy.. so yes i have things i have to pay that i have no intention on telling her about because it is not her business...but its just these types of conversations get to me so bad and i have so much trouble letting them go...its like they sink into my bones and failure becomes etched into my very DNA...i work so hard to manage and live and right now things are a bit of a struggle yes..we are going pay check to pay check...but its not going to stay like that..but it just makes me feel like im not doing enough..still..i need to be doing more...i always need to be doing more...

jobs and such

well i have a job interview today and im super nervous about it...its at ac moore...i think that is my most favorite store ever..and so i stay away from it lol..but i really liked working there last time and so going back will be a good thing i think..its part time and so not stressful...so as long as i can get some good shoes i think i will be fine...but i do want to be hired so very much ! 

i still havent given up on my pharmacy job at all but i need to take the test for it and im gonna be signing up for that at the end of the month..so that is happening then..i have to sign up and then ill get the date for when ill be taking the test... im nervous about that too but im trying not to stress.. once i have that  and pass it will be easier to find a job in the pharmacy...but for now i just need a job and some extra money coming in...

im really a bit sad that i cant do a lot for my birthday .. but that is what being an adult is isnt it ..blah .. being an adult is not fun .. but i can always do something later right ?!  so i know it will be ok .. and i know i can always get something later on for my birthday..and i am going to get to do build a bear and have the little picnic and maybe go out to dinner ..nothing big ..but still fun.. and it will be good.. so no complaining... it is just frustrating that money is so fleeting and everything has to be paid at once you know ..well all at the same time..blah...so uncool... but it will work out ...it always does ...and hopefully with the new job and extra money the financial stress will ease up a bit ... i hate battling out the idea of asking mommy to borrow money ...im trying not to..i really really am...but i know if i need to i could ..but i just hate doing it...ive been doing so good not having to ask her..but right now things are a lot tight money wish .. and just need a little extra to get by...ugggggh ...

life

Things have been a stressful since coming back from vacation..and a bit of that has been my fault..since I spent to much money at the store and ended up not having any money left ...so we are pretty much out of everything and I have been just trying to get by you know...and money is a big big trigger … but I have made it to pay day and this month ive asked sarah from the beginning to chip in for stuff and that is going to help.. I ask for to help with stuff anyway .. but im asking at the beginning of the month this time...is all...i have so much running around to do today...i have to go grocery shopping and pick up meds and get the household stuff and pay bills..and get my bank account back straight... I have a list because just thinking about it all makes my head spin … I have to be smart and stay in control and no impulse buying... ive talked to sarah repeatedly about setting money aside for me to have to buy stuff for 'fun' to kinda curb my impulse buying ..which is what happened to the money in my last check..so it doesnt happen this check...ill talk to her again today about it before I go to the store..and most important is paying the car note before anything else today. And I need to call the insurance lady about getting my insurance switched to something else because it has increased and is more expensive now so hopefully she can find me something less expensive...

I saw my med doc yesterday and it was good...we talked about how things have been going and everything...we agreed to the increase in the abilify … im going up to 5mg .. but with what she ordered for me ill be at 4 for a couple weeks and then at 5mg when the new bottle comes in... I will be getting the anxiety med filled today also.and my reg meds … so all of that needs to be taken care of … the foggy head has still not returned and that I am very grateful for … the med doc yesterday kept telling me that I looked different … and its like I feel different.. I am different.. I just feel more alive and that I just such a hard feeling to describe to someone who has never been so horribly depressed... it is like waking up for a dream world after so many long years and seeing the world for the first … becoming a part of the world for the first time.. being able to do things and having a desire to do things.. wanting to be a part of stuff..want to feel and touch and just engage ..to capture life and the world and things in it for the first time in my life is an amazing thing... to not have that crushing I want things to stop, and end has lifted a major weight off of me, you know... no it is not all gone.. no I am not going to go dance naked in a field of wild flowers or something and sing with the butterflies lol...but when I say things are different..things are truly different..and I understand what she means when she tells me I look different..because I feel different.. I am different..i am me.. but I am changing to. This is a place I never thought I would find..a place I never thought I would be in …

curvon is over here again...his mom is dealing with a dv crisis and I am concerned, scared, and worried for her...and I am having to remind myself that I am doing all I can to help..and that I cant run myself into the ground doing for her...she is an adult.. I can help and offer a safe place .. but as sad as it makes me ..i cant save her ...and saying that..writing that does make me so very very sad... I love all of them and I want them safe..but I cant take care of all of them...i cant give her money and still survive and pay my own bills.. I might want to but it is not realistic..and if I have to tell myself this daily..then I guess that is what I will have to do... because this is the type of thing that gets me into trouble... I want to go in saving the day..i want to protect them..i want to save her...i will give everything I have and end up with nothing to protect them...but then..who will help me ? When I have given all I can ? This line of thinking and helping has caused me more harm than good. I know I have the best interest at heart .. but giving all and leaving nothing for myself is not the best way to help someone else. I have to say no (dont I ? ) . I have to take care of myself first ( dont I ? ) . I have to live and survive in this world to ( dont I ? ) . I am talking things through with nia and sarah and trying not to make rash decisions .. I feel things are still weighing on my mind heavily though and I really feel like talking to britney but I see her in a few days thankfully. But sarah is helping me not make any rash decisions.