:) today

Today was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I am content.. happy.. relaxed..

Sarah and I spent the day together.. I guess Anita was right in that we need a go out and have fun day...and it was a fun day..slept in..read a book..went to lunch at my favorite restaurant.. and I got my chicken sandwich without the bun and it was just as good!...and then we went out for ice cream..and we talked and goofed off and just had a good time..we even sat outside and talked to a neighbour while I got my hair braided...and we spent some alo e time together and I even managed to  get in a little more reading in..

I'm off tomorrow and looking forward to another good day.

rough week

this has been a really really long and tiring week...work drained me majorly and i think the stress i was feeling from that made me stomach upset a couple days last week..i dont know...im trying to be careful with what i am eating of course...im randomly finding things to try though..this week it is chocolate chip muffins...i hope they are good, gluten free of course...i really hate how expensive the grocery bill has become..that is frustrating all by itsself...

but i saw the doc last week and im doing well on that front...ive lost 13 pounds since my last doc appt in april...so i guess it was maybe 3 weeks or so..i feel different..in some ways..i certainly dont have any more energy...but i guess im feeling better bodywise..its hard to explain..

work was hard in that..there is staff not showing up and not calling out....its rough with only 3 staff with the clients...especially when it is supposed to be 6 of us...busy and then havin staff arguing and yelling in front of the clients was awful and made me so tense and upset and it was sucky...im assuming the girl who didnt show will be fired which takes us down to 4 staff.and thats if everyone comes to work...ugh..so last week was just long and tiring..  i am excited though that we are going to the zoo on monday...ive never been to the zoo in richmond so it will be a fun trip..

i am noticing that i do not have a lot of down time to myself anymore...im not coloring or writing or anything really...i sleep and maybe cook..and help sarah..and that is my life..there is no time for anything else..and it is beginning to make me feel on edge ..like i just cant get enough time to regroup and calm down .. and get some of the pressure out of my mind..i feel like im overloading and there is not a release valve anywhere to be found...i still havent found a balance yet between work and home..and most days im to tired to even care ..but i am noticing it..and am aware of it..so i guess thats something...

that is all there is to talk about since im yawning and of course want to go to sleep..today has gone by really fast though...i did go to the grocery store today and tomorrow i have got to do laundry..or ill really have nothing to wear! 

Am I OK?

I am OK? I think I'm OK...I feel OK..but I don't trust that I'm OK...

A busy week

 working all week and trying to be active in the evenings is hard for me...I wake up around 5:30.my alarm is set for 6..I work all day and get home around 5..cook..eat..and fall asleep..that is my day..add in therapy and last week i had to get off early to do first aid and cpr..I'm just tired...I am way more active..and I'm trying different gluten free foods...some junk food...but I don't think I'm over doing it..OK yesterday and this morning I ate way to much Chinese food.. but I've found that Chinese doesn't make my stomach hurt... so every two weeks I do splurge on Chinese...I made the mistake to eat rice a roni last week..made me sick..so on one hand I know I have a gluten intolerance for sure..and on the other I'm sad because I'm giving up so much...I'm slowly getting braver with trying new stuff..like I got gf bread and pizza today.. I'm having to try things to see if I like them...I've learned gf cornbread is OK but not great.. where as gf biscuits are great. The major down side is that all the gf stuff is so expensive.. the grocery bill has doubled thanks to my gf food..and I try hard not to make Sarah eat all gf stuff you know...so a lot goes into getting groceries...

 Work has been going fine..just busy..each day is definitely different.. and I know that a couple days the depression made being at work very hard..but I managed..I guess..I do have notes to finish tomorrow and take in ..but I'm off Monday because of doc appointments...

It took a few days to kind of regroup from mothers day..it was rough and I was sad and unhappy...I didn't cut.. though for a while I really wanted to. I think I'm becoming to busy to totally focus on things feeling bad..who knows ..I'm just glad I feel OK today..

Things other wise are OK I guess..nothing major going on..I'm still working to get used to my schedule.. but that just takes time.
I know I do need to make a little more time for writing.. I miss it..

Mother's day

A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.

I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..

All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...

I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...

 I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up

Just a thought from work

I really wish people could understand that calm body language and patience goes a lot farther than yelling...they may have disabilities but they are not stupid...I hate that..I had to explain to a coworker today that I repeatedly kept answering the same question for one client because it helped keep him calm..I didn't yell at him or have to chase him like the coworker did...I told him that it didn't bother me to answer the same question over and over..it wasn't stopping me from doing my work.or hurting me in anyway...I don't want power over anyone else..I'm there to help and make sure they are safe and have fun...not to yell at them...I hate that many in this field don't know that..it makes me sad...