just thinking

well i did end up taking the bus today to therapy...i think it was a waste sorta because i couldnt get it together and actually talk about what was really bothering me...me talked about my current car issues..and work and stuff..and im freaked out completely about it..but i have to think of something..the bus ride was still really anxiety producing ..and made me nervous because i just started out wrong..i got on the wrong bus..and thankfully asked and was told where i needed to go instead...and then missed my stops and all of that and so i was worried i was going to be late and all of that...but i made it right on time pretty much..and i figure that one of the things about walking places and riding the bus and being out like that makes me feel so exposed and vulnerable..like everyone is watching me..and it makes me just feel so paranoid...blah ... i hate it...but i do know now how to get to three of the main places that i go to..so that works i guess..i just have to remind myself that i can get there..

but as for the car and work issue..im thinking of asking the people who helped me move ...ive called rental places...im talked to all my friends..the buses arent an option..and so i have exhusted like every option i can think of..and so now im left with majorly shady options ..like posting an ad on craigslist..and trying to find someone to pay to get me back and forth to work...at least for right now...i dont know what else to do...im majorly short on funds and so my options are even more limited...ugh

i did call kathy today..and she brought up an interesting comment..and pretty much it was ...im managing to fall apart repeatedly in the time since ive not been around her...and it took a little while to start but once it started..then it just grow and rolled all over the place...im bouncing around on jobs..im doing not so great..im managing and not managing ..and just the past year itsself has been a lot of ups and downs..ok more downs than ups..but all the same..a lot ..she said that im just having a down time and that it will get better..im just hoping that soon i will be able to tell her that im stable again...i really have gotten rather unstable ..and that does make me feel sad...like i just cant seem to manage...normally im able to keep a job...but lately i cant even do that...my judgement is being called into question majorly...ugh...so yeah..but i did enjoy talking to her..i miss her..i really do..

ive been hiding out in my room all afternoon pretty much..avoiding both tramaine and sheena...i have nothing really to say to them.but as the evening comes the more frustrated  i am..that im the one hiding in my room and i did nothing wrong..but i do have to go and get cat food..so i have to go to the store ..which kind of means getting dressed again...and well walking to the store....blah...

maybe ill work on the ad first and then go to the store.... im running out of time...blah