im trying

i really am trrying you know...and right now i am feeling upset and so i am writing and trying to calm down instead of doing anything else...i asked tramaine to pick something up for me and of course she didnt do it...im forced to work with her schedule and its making me tired...i really do wish i had another way of getting to work..i really do...god i miss my  car...i hate having to depend on someone else..i hate not being able to do what i want to do..and i hate that all of my options right now..cost money..and i dont have any freaking money...my first check will be at the end of the month..so i still have another week to get through...well like a week and a half..and im not sure how ill be able to do it...i only have maybe 140 left money wise..and i need to get food and stuff..so maybe really only 100..which is maybe five trips..i dont know...im starting to feel stressed again..but again im trying to calm down and not get impulsive with my upset feelings...i just feel so frigging trapped and its upsetting majorly...

i really cant believe its only been a month since the vacation...gosh i wish i could turn back time and go on the trip all over again...since coming back it has been one thing after another and im tired of it all...i really am...im not suicidal anymore..and the urge to cut is lessening ...at some point i will be taking the knife from under my bed...im wavering a little bit on that one though...i want to keep it..but i dont want to keep it...i have to be strong...i cant let my mind play tricks on me..i just cant...because i get stuck so easily in my mind...and then i want to look for an escape and all of the escapes are negative...lately my need for reassurance and comfort has been majorly high...and i dont know..its driving up my need for attention..and yes i can be completely irrational in these moments...i still dont understand how to feel that need for myself..and i ran into a post on fb about self soothing that i want to get printed out...just to have...i should probably print out the self injury alternatives too...it just hurts that i still am so easily swayed into feeling like killing myself...almost having a plan..almost being willing to do it...the past couple weeks alone have been really hard..just with not knowing what to do..not having any more ideas to try...being nice and not selfish with tramaine..and no money and trying my hardest to just keep going ..when things are just stacking up against me...im frustrated and hurt and tired...

im taking the bus to my appointments at the clinic though...after i got forced to use the bus the other week...i dont like it and it still makes me so very anxious..but i have no other choice...tramaine is just not willing or able to keep driving me where i need to go or whatever...and i dont know..with my first check..i really think i am going to rent a car for a week or something...im trying my hardest to get back and forth to work and not be a pain..but i have to pay her to take me...and her cousin doesnt..but again .. its not fair to compare.....but it doesnt help that i feel like i am being used...tramaine got paid last week..and so i was gone for the weekend ..and i come back and there are a few groceries in the house..but also other stuff has been bought and things and its like ..ok what is going to happen when you run out of money again? but whatever..i guess that is where i come in.. but back to the other thing..yeah taking the bus..and it is really still making me so anxious...the bus gets so crowded...and that makes me uncomfortable...again..im trying..to manage it and get on the bus when i have to..or walk to the store...i ask for small things from her outside of the work stuff..and she is either to busy or to tired..so then i just go back to figuring out how to do it on my own..and then she gets mad at me...last week she got pissed off at me twice and told me that i need to grow up and stop crying everytime something doesnt work out..and i wanted to hit her..but instead i let her have her say..and just vowed to keep my tears inside..the same thing sorta goes with mommy too...the stop crying and calm down and its not so bad...no one seems to understand that i am anxious and constantly worrying and stressing and everything i am dealing with just gets brushed off like its not important..like my concerns dont really matter much at all..and i guess that is what has been causing me to feel even more upset...and its hard because i cant just say that i am having a hard time emotionally and that i am feeling depressed and trying hard to stay alive...who wants to have to listen to that type of conversation...so no..i just take in what im being told and turn it all around...make it hurt me...believe what im being told...story of my life i guess...

its as if everyone ...ok well a certain few people are trying there hardest to make me unhappy..to force me to be someone im not..and that isnt going to work..not anymore...i try to fight it more...try to remember that i am able to make my own decisions..and it is hard...really really hard some days to remember that...shoot i called sarah in tears the other week because of a conversation that i had with mommy ..and her trying to butt in and control what i am doing or who im with..and stupidly i believed her...i was ready to say goodbye to the few friends i do have..ready to just call it quits..give up and shut down and just exist i guess..but i talked to sarah and a couple others and anita about it..and feel a bit better about it now at least..and i ended up worrying courtney and anita to the max..prolly sarah too for those few days...but i guess somehow i reached the end point of worrying..for a few days at least..

the current worry is having to come off the meds ...again...i really do want to cry .but there isnt anything i can do about it..its either get the meds and not have a way to work..or have a way to work and just manage without the meds...maybe i should cancel my appointment with courtney since i cant get the meds anyway...i dont know...maybe i will do that...no point in seeing her...ill let anita know..though tomorrow...it gives me such a headache...

going off and getting back on the meds...it really does..and as the withdrawl starts..i know i wont be fun to be around...yeah it prolly is safer to get the knife moved now before the ideas get confused again and i end up keeping it and using it...i hate how i act when i am off my meds...but again there is no choice...

taji and bounce has having a couple issues and i do feel awful that i cant get them in to the vet...its frustrating majorly...still seeing the little gross worms from taji..and boune is scratching like there is no tomorrow..so im making an educated guess here from experience and saying that she has fleas once again...which just makes me want to scream bloody murder...the vet told me before that the stuff in stores for fleas really doesnt work anyway..so i dont know what to do but wait and see...maybe ill be able to afford something..shoot anything right this minute...but both need a check up anyway..and im being a sucky owner because i cant afford to get them in to be seen...maybe ill look up the spca and see what is offered there..but again there is the issue of getting them there...

this entry really is quite a downer...im trying to be happy and go to work and not focus on the negative when im with other people...but the need to just isolate is still an issue...the need for quiet ... and then lonliness sets in..and i feel like i am alone with all of this...

i think i better stop writing for now...