just..

trying hard...dont feel happy or safe or even remotely able to do anything productive right now...scared for the cats if i am not here...i have to figure out how to get to work..im trying to make things work or manage but i dont want to be here..and im not even completely sure what i mean by that...this has been such a crappy year..i just want to cry...ive been uip for a while i guess..thinking..trying to think..trying to figure out what to do..mom and sister are trying hard to figure out the car situation...mommy may be a lot of things ..and yes im gonna owe her big ..more than big if she does manage to borro w the money to get a used car for me...but her and my sister were supportive yesterday...mommy actually told me that i dont desrve to be yelled at like that..im so embarrased that my sister was on the phone when it started and heard..i keep feeling as if i need to defend myself..try to fix this ..i dont know..i dont want to fix this..i am feeling hurt and betrayed...yet another disappointment...how am i going to afford the rent here..what is going to happen if i get evicted again...i just moved..yeah..im just going to go and lay back down for a while..

anxiety...

right now i am freaking out...trying not to but as the time continues to move..all i can do is worry and stress and think...

suddenly im again possibly looking at being homeless..at not being able to keep the cats..no way to work..no way home..im frustrated and upset and trying hard to keep it together..

my roommate threatened my cats..im afraid to leave them here...im afraid to not be able to watch them and kknow they are safe...right now i have no idea how i will be getting to work or anything for tomorrow...what will happen...how will anything work out...i may end up having to go home i guess over the weekend...if something can be worked out for a car...if not a will have to get a rental...i cant depend on her...

nia was on the phone when she decided to blow up earlier this morning and i tried to be calm and let it go but im on the damn phone with my sister and in the bathroom no less and being yelled at because taji is in the bathroom with me...but pretty much she said that she will be looking into seeing if she can get out of the lease i guess...im dirty and selfish and rude and dont clean up and my room is messy and she yelled to my sister while i was on the phone that i dont clean...and then it just all went to hell after that...because at a point i started to yell back at her..told her she was rude..told her to just leave if she didnt want to be here...ok a couple things..one she knew i had the cats before we ever moved in together...she knew i was messy again before we ever actually moved in together...i told her things about myself that she is now throwing in my face..

anger, hurt, betrayal ... all of it...i dont like it..im so very hurt... i held it all in until i fuond out that i wouldnt be able to go in to work today..and then i started to cry..i wasnt able to hold it back anymore..im worried about everything...i really am...so disappointed that i missed work today...frustrated because so much is going on...on edge and wanting to hide and be quiet..and its like no..i pay to live here..im not going to hide out in my room..ive had the apartment to myself this evening...nothing to do..im not going to ruin her stuff or anything..im not that childish...but she is..and so i am worried about my stuff in the house..im worried about taji and bounce being safe..im just worried about everything..im afraid to put my food in the fridge because it may not be there later on...i got pizza...and now its like well what am i going to do with the rest of it...blah..

no i just dont feel safe...im embarrassed that my sister was on the phone when things happened this morning...so very ashamed...

not good

The last time I checked..I didn't need someone else telling on me..I was right though..she ducking told on me like I'm a child and tramaine is my parent...I am beginning to think that is what she feels she is..but the thing is that .. I am feeling very resentful with her and I'm not feeling to fond of Sheena right now either..I don't need to be watched and reported on..I'm not living with mommy...but now it is beginning to feel as if I am...And it is frustrating..And I no longer feel safe in my apartment...And.  feel like in being targeted and judged and I can't deal with that ..Well I can but it won't be in a good way.. I know I'm not thinking that clearly and I'm not feeling so good at all...And I'm thinking more impulsively and wanting to react immediately..I didn't say anything to her..about what she said..because she is my ride to work..I'm not that dumb..but considering my checkout  Friday I think that I may rent the car..I'm sick of feeling like I'm just an afterthought..that I can't go anywhere without asking..being stuck at work for an hour or more every time I work..I don't know..once again having trouble focusing and have a major headache..

I know I'm not taking care of myself very well..And prolly haven't been for a good while..talking the my client and coworker about her diabetes and eating habits put that in major highlight I guess..I'm a horrible example.. I am...And I'm feeling so ashamed of myself because of it...I'm ashamed that I'm still struggling with the depression and cutting..when I'm supposed to be the example..the proof that you can get past it..And instead instead I'm still in that same spot..Maybe not exactly as before but I'm still there..still struggling..I'm not anything..I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I'm not able to do anything or be anything..

im so freaking mad and just getting madder and more angry..


issues with attention and having attention and being noticed popping up...

i want to scream

do stupid things

make someone notice..

just ..i dont know

maybe sleep is best...

pissed off

some how ive screwed up quite a lot today...cooking has been a disaster...spillled food in the oven..feel so stupid and upset..and no real idea how to clean it out...frustrated majorly....another headache filled day and not feeling so great at all....no idea why my head hurts so very much though....its a pain...it really is..just on the off chance that it is my eyes because of how much i have been reading..i forget that im maybe straining my eyes...so its back to wearing the glasses again..on a much more regular basis..im just upset and feeling stupid...

just..i dont know...

im tired...so very freaking tired of all of this...im going back to my orignal plan for the car stuff...no i cant commit to making payments that i cant afford...especially to mommy or her boss or whoever..that is just asking to fail or get in trouble..and its just to much money ... to commit to.  so no..im going to go with my original plan...when i get paid ..im going to rent a car next week..because im tired of feeling like im asking her for so very much...when im paying her to take me to work...she cousin doesnt have to pay..but i do..im sorry ok..im sorry for exisiting and for needing help and all of it..im sorry i just suck so freaking much and that i cant manage and that im freaking struggling right now...

need to calm down

overwhelmed and upset..i cant deal with things right now and the more hours that pass the more there is to deal with...im frustrated and upset and just trying hard to rein in how i am feeling ...

i came home this morning..and there is no food or water in taji and bounces bowls...ok that pissed me off...i come in and tramaine says that she is going to need to take me to work in a little bit because she has things to do...ok fine..i didnt say anything but ok..i changed my clothes..fed the cats and waited for her...an hour passes and she still isnt ready to leave...ok fine..im not doing anything but waiting for her...she comes in and says ok now im not leaving until 12...so i go to fix my last frozen pizza...and now im writing because i am upset and ready to once again cry..and im doing everything i can to hold in my tears and not cry...

mommy calls me..and i missed the call but i was dumb enough to call her back..and as usual..it was about my lak of a car..borrowing money..how much can i pay back..not saying its for me if she can borrow it because im supposed to doing well and im not ..and so now im looking at having to pay back even more money that i dont have..and i try to tell her i ant affford to have a 500 some dollar bill to pay back each pay period...god im down to making prolly less than 700 a pay period after taxes...what in the crap am i supposed to do for myself and my bills when ill be forced to give promise her money that i just dont have...i have to come up with some price that i can afford by monday...i cant even think this through all the way..im feeling trapped and stuck in a corner and i have to agree or not agree..i have to come up with something..anything..and i cant...i cant afford to keep having tramaine take me to work..im down to 80 dollars...which is maybe 4 more rides to work..i dont get paid until friday..and if mommy does manage to some how borrow the money and get me a car down there just from someone selling..then ill have to go there to get it..the only way to freaking get there is to ride the bus as mommy so nicely mentioned to me this morning..to come and get the car..and drive back to richmond..so then add in a bus ticket, gas, and getting the license plates or whatever...ok my bill is so far out of range i cant even see it anymore..but i have to come up with an answer...ill be struggling non stop until sometime next year..and i cant even say no.. because i have no way to get to work...i have no way to manage right now that is workable or even really affordable..so im stuck in so many ways...and i cant even get the slightest release of anything because im sitting at home and i really dont want to deal with tramaine telling me anything right now..

im paranoid enough without the help and i was coming home this morning and relized that i really dont feel safe here..i guess emotionally safe is what im talking about..i feel like im a visitor in my own apartment...i feel like im being talked about every time i walk in or do anything...and i say i dont care but my feelings are being so easily hurt..and im upset but i cant be upset..because im not supposed to be upset or cry..or stressed out...

but i am stressed out and i dont feel good and im trying to get so much worked out in my head and its all getting mixed up and i cant figure anything out..i really cant .. and i really just want to go to sleep..im tired of thinking .. im tired of worrying ..im tired of all of it...and if i could i would cry but no i cant do that either..so ill just sit quietly and wait until its time for me to go to work...there is nothing else i can do...

Anger and rage

Its the anger that I have a harder time managing without the meds.I'm angry, hurt, easily upset, impulsive, and tearful..I guess yesterday it was the scene in the lword that was the breaking point..I knew I was feeling anxious before we started to watch the episode..but as the show played I got more anxious and upset and kept biting at my finger and eventually laid down .and it was almost as soon as Sarah asked me if I was OK that I just started crying.. No idea why..too many thoughts, wanting to hurt and being ashamed that I had picked at my face...she helped her get calm again...only for me to have another meltdown after talking to mommy on the phone...I tried to stay in control and couldn't.. I still ended up so overwhelmed and upset that I once again I ended up crying and feeling so upset..and it was a little bit after I began to calm down that I realized I was angry..so angry and without an outlet.. Back to wanting to break things or cut or do something to let the anger go back into hiding..and I couldn't.. I just thought and worried and stressed...until I guess I did fall asleep..for a little while...a lot of tossing and turning..until I got up and came into the living room...I aid on the beanbags and sort of fell asleep again... Woke up at 6...already worrying and upset...sad and frustrated... Tired and hurting...my back  and shoulders are holding the stress...it hurts ..maybe I will go back and lay down with Sarah since I have to go home in a couple hours...and being by myself makes me really anxious...the knife is still under my bed..I think I need to leave it there...

My head hurts

I'm really tired but I can't seem to be able to really sleep. Coming off of the meds is really messing with me..I'm tired, cranky, paranoid, and anxious. My head won't really stop hurting and today out of nowhere I guess I panicked to the point of crying. After picking at my face and finger..I'm going to have to figure out a way to get the meds. I don't know how but I will have to figure out something. I don't want to feel so suicidal again. I don't want to feel out of control..I feel so stupid for picking at my face. I feel stupid for biting my nails off and then biting at my finger until it started bleeding. Again two of those this is not a good idea after I've already done it. Thankfully today's breakdown happened when I was with Sarah and so I wasn't alone. And somehow Sarah figured out that something was wrong. She stopped watching the lword to check on me and to be there for me until I was able to calm down...she watched sponge Bob with me and held my hand and let me hang on to her pants until I was able to calm down and actually let her know I was okay. The crying tired me out but still I can't sleep...I can't seem to stay calm..I feel so drained right now...I'm not sure what to do with myself right now...I really just want to sleep and I cant

my thinking

im trying

i really am trrying you know...and right now i am feeling upset and so i am writing and trying to calm down instead of doing anything else...i asked tramaine to pick something up for me and of course she didnt do it...im forced to work with her schedule and its making me tired...i really do wish i had another way of getting to work..i really do...god i miss my  car...i hate having to depend on someone else..i hate not being able to do what i want to do..and i hate that all of my options right now..cost money..and i dont have any freaking money...my first check will be at the end of the month..so i still have another week to get through...well like a week and a half..and im not sure how ill be able to do it...i only have maybe 140 left money wise..and i need to get food and stuff..so maybe really only 100..which is maybe five trips..i dont know...im starting to feel stressed again..but again im trying to calm down and not get impulsive with my upset feelings...i just feel so frigging trapped and its upsetting majorly...

i really cant believe its only been a month since the vacation...gosh i wish i could turn back time and go on the trip all over again...since coming back it has been one thing after another and im tired of it all...i really am...im not suicidal anymore..and the urge to cut is lessening ...at some point i will be taking the knife from under my bed...im wavering a little bit on that one though...i want to keep it..but i dont want to keep it...i have to be strong...i cant let my mind play tricks on me..i just cant...because i get stuck so easily in my mind...and then i want to look for an escape and all of the escapes are negative...lately my need for reassurance and comfort has been majorly high...and i dont know..its driving up my need for attention..and yes i can be completely irrational in these moments...i still dont understand how to feel that need for myself..and i ran into a post on fb about self soothing that i want to get printed out...just to have...i should probably print out the self injury alternatives too...it just hurts that i still am so easily swayed into feeling like killing myself...almost having a plan..almost being willing to do it...the past couple weeks alone have been really hard..just with not knowing what to do..not having any more ideas to try...being nice and not selfish with tramaine..and no money and trying my hardest to just keep going ..when things are just stacking up against me...im frustrated and hurt and tired...

im taking the bus to my appointments at the clinic though...after i got forced to use the bus the other week...i dont like it and it still makes me so very anxious..but i have no other choice...tramaine is just not willing or able to keep driving me where i need to go or whatever...and i dont know..with my first check..i really think i am going to rent a car for a week or something...im trying my hardest to get back and forth to work and not be a pain..but i have to pay her to take me...and her cousin doesnt..but again .. its not fair to compare.....but it doesnt help that i feel like i am being used...tramaine got paid last week..and so i was gone for the weekend ..and i come back and there are a few groceries in the house..but also other stuff has been bought and things and its like ..ok what is going to happen when you run out of money again? but whatever..i guess that is where i come in.. but back to the other thing..yeah taking the bus..and it is really still making me so anxious...the bus gets so crowded...and that makes me uncomfortable...again..im trying..to manage it and get on the bus when i have to..or walk to the store...i ask for small things from her outside of the work stuff..and she is either to busy or to tired..so then i just go back to figuring out how to do it on my own..and then she gets mad at me...last week she got pissed off at me twice and told me that i need to grow up and stop crying everytime something doesnt work out..and i wanted to hit her..but instead i let her have her say..and just vowed to keep my tears inside..the same thing sorta goes with mommy too...the stop crying and calm down and its not so bad...no one seems to understand that i am anxious and constantly worrying and stressing and everything i am dealing with just gets brushed off like its not important..like my concerns dont really matter much at all..and i guess that is what has been causing me to feel even more upset...and its hard because i cant just say that i am having a hard time emotionally and that i am feeling depressed and trying hard to stay alive...who wants to have to listen to that type of conversation...so no..i just take in what im being told and turn it all around...make it hurt me...believe what im being told...story of my life i guess...

its as if everyone ...ok well a certain few people are trying there hardest to make me unhappy..to force me to be someone im not..and that isnt going to work..not anymore...i try to fight it more...try to remember that i am able to make my own decisions..and it is hard...really really hard some days to remember that...shoot i called sarah in tears the other week because of a conversation that i had with mommy ..and her trying to butt in and control what i am doing or who im with..and stupidly i believed her...i was ready to say goodbye to the few friends i do have..ready to just call it quits..give up and shut down and just exist i guess..but i talked to sarah and a couple others and anita about it..and feel a bit better about it now at least..and i ended up worrying courtney and anita to the max..prolly sarah too for those few days...but i guess somehow i reached the end point of worrying..for a few days at least..

the current worry is having to come off the meds ...again...i really do want to cry .but there isnt anything i can do about it..its either get the meds and not have a way to work..or have a way to work and just manage without the meds...maybe i should cancel my appointment with courtney since i cant get the meds anyway...i dont know...maybe i will do that...no point in seeing her...ill let anita know..though tomorrow...it gives me such a headache...

going off and getting back on the meds...it really does..and as the withdrawl starts..i know i wont be fun to be around...yeah it prolly is safer to get the knife moved now before the ideas get confused again and i end up keeping it and using it...i hate how i act when i am off my meds...but again there is no choice...

taji and bounce has having a couple issues and i do feel awful that i cant get them in to the vet...its frustrating majorly...still seeing the little gross worms from taji..and boune is scratching like there is no tomorrow..so im making an educated guess here from experience and saying that she has fleas once again...which just makes me want to scream bloody murder...the vet told me before that the stuff in stores for fleas really doesnt work anyway..so i dont know what to do but wait and see...maybe ill be able to afford something..shoot anything right this minute...but both need a check up anyway..and im being a sucky owner because i cant afford to get them in to be seen...maybe ill look up the spca and see what is offered there..but again there is the issue of getting them there...

this entry really is quite a downer...im trying to be happy and go to work and not focus on the negative when im with other people...but the need to just isolate is still an issue...the need for quiet ... and then lonliness sets in..and i feel like i am alone with all of this...

i think i better stop writing for now...

Just sad

I know that I'm probably not thinking clearly...I'm just sad right now...I guess it is stupid to think that therapy is supposed to make me instantly happy..but because of my mood lately I'm struggling...with everything..I'm not really safe with myself and I think that is what has me feeling so sad..that I couldn't say I would move the knife from under my bed..or that i wouldn't kill myself..I have both of them worried...And I really don't mean to do that..I don't want  them worrying..I don't want the worry of whether or not I should be in the hospital...I should have just promised but I can't break a promise...I just can't and some days I just don't feel I can handle anything  .

my feelings are hurt...seriously

i talked to mommy this morning as usual...but it was a whole conversation about me and sarah ...and that there is no realtionship...i didnt ask sarah for money..or a car or anything...i didnt plan on it..but some how that is wrong ... somehow its all wrong and i dont understand...suddenly im not supposed to think of anyone else..im supposed to think of me...but when i try to think of me then im being selfish ..im being stupid...im wrong in some way...suddenly every little support that i have is being taken away from me..and i am alone...im being told that i shouldnt be seeing sarah that i shouldnt see curvon that i shouldnt do or see anyone..because im in this hole and i guess she is the only one helping me and she cant even do that because i just get that whole conversation about how it is to much..how she has stuff to pay and she cant..and its just all warped in my head...suddenly i feel that i just need the knife and i will shut down and just not talk about anything at all...it doesnt help..there is no such thing as happy..not for me...

i cant stop smiling

ok well i cant stop smiling inside..i had a talk with sarah last night that has left me feeling incredible special and important and loved..i dont want that feeling to go away. i want to be hugged and kissed and lloved for just being me...flaws and all ..no i dont want to lose this feeling at all...

cant process

today has been one of those days that has left me feeling empty..and drained...im so very ashamed to say that i was scammed..paid the guy and he didnt show up today..i feel so stupid..so hurt...i started crying and couldnt stop...called my supervisor in tears..told her i couldnt get to work..mommy called me and i just picked up the phone ..and was still crying ..so she got the story..and all of that..she demanded i give her tramaines number..so that she could ask tramaine if she would take me to work...and against all of my better judgement..and after telling her no..she got tramaines number and actually called her...skip ahead about 20 mins...ive calmed down..and entered into no mans land..i went and got a knife out of the kitchen...the same one i used the last time i cut..and i got  shaver...i was looking for the hammer to break it apart when my office called and said that they would be sending someone to pick me up and take me to work...i call to tell mommy that and she of c ourse informs me that she has talked to tramaine and that she said she would come and get me..tramaine can home before i left..and proceeded to yell at me..told me i was selfish, mean, and that i needed to grow up..she said that i was mean to her...that if i was upset with her that i needed to get over it..that she hadnt left me stranded..that she had been waiting for me to call...so on and so forth..before she even started she told me that she would hurt my feelings..i let her say her piece..i went into obident mode...she said i was whatever and i agreed..it didnt matter...i am selfish..worthless..mean..stupid.i said i was...later on tonight i apologized for being mean.and hurting her feelings because thats what i was supposed to do...that is what was expected..she said i wasnt giving enough..that she doesnt owe me money...and the thing that tramaine doesnt seem to understand is that yes i can hold a grudge..and that when i am scared and waiting and have been let down then i will freak out..and if i want to talk to my sister or sarah or whoever then that is my option..not hers...i dont need conversations being passed along to tramaine because that is a trigger..not being able to trust that i am safe if someone is listening to my conversations..and passing them along...tramaine doesnt understand that mommy controls everything and i told her that i didnt ask mommy to call her..that i did give her the number but still told her not to call...so i was pretty much a mess..i hid the knife under my pillow and left to go and wait for my ride...i just thought while i was waiting..thinking and planning and plotting and just sad and very very hurt...i didnt really want to be at work..i was tired ..worn out...angry and depressed...i was ..i am sick of everyone managing to hurt me ..and so i planned to hurt myself...i dont care..i still dont care...and i realize that i am heading into suicidal zone....very very close to the edge..i still have the knife..its not in my bed.but its close..i need it...i need protection..i need to be able to stay calm...no one cares ... and i am feeling so very alone..im screwing up..i keep screwing up and im getting so tired of having to keep fighting..having to keep trying when i just want to give up...ive cried and cried and cried..ive tried to stay safe..ive been more withdrawn and upset and easily irritated...and im not even sure i can explain why..im overwhelmed..and stressed out to the max...i dont want to do this anymore...i really dont ...

just thinking

well i did end up taking the bus today to therapy...i think it was a waste sorta because i couldnt get it together and actually talk about what was really bothering me...me talked about my current car issues..and work and stuff..and im freaked out completely about it..but i have to think of something..the bus ride was still really anxiety producing ..and made me nervous because i just started out wrong..i got on the wrong bus..and thankfully asked and was told where i needed to go instead...and then missed my stops and all of that and so i was worried i was going to be late and all of that...but i made it right on time pretty much..and i figure that one of the things about walking places and riding the bus and being out like that makes me feel so exposed and vulnerable..like everyone is watching me..and it makes me just feel so paranoid...blah ... i hate it...but i do know now how to get to three of the main places that i go to..so that works i guess..i just have to remind myself that i can get there..

but as for the car and work issue..im thinking of asking the people who helped me move ...ive called rental places...im talked to all my friends..the buses arent an option..and so i have exhusted like every option i can think of..and so now im left with majorly shady options ..like posting an ad on craigslist..and trying to find someone to pay to get me back and forth to work...at least for right now...i dont know what else to do...im majorly short on funds and so my options are even more limited...ugh

i did call kathy today..and she brought up an interesting comment..and pretty much it was ...im managing to fall apart repeatedly in the time since ive not been around her...and it took a little while to start but once it started..then it just grow and rolled all over the place...im bouncing around on jobs..im doing not so great..im managing and not managing ..and just the past year itsself has been a lot of ups and downs..ok more downs than ups..but all the same..a lot ..she said that im just having a down time and that it will get better..im just hoping that soon i will be able to tell her that im stable again...i really have gotten rather unstable ..and that does make me feel sad...like i just cant seem to manage...normally im able to keep a job...but lately i cant even do that...my judgement is being called into question majorly...ugh...so yeah..but i did enjoy talking to her..i miss her..i really do..

ive been hiding out in my room all afternoon pretty much..avoiding both tramaine and sheena...i have nothing really to say to them.but as the evening comes the more frustrated  i am..that im the one hiding in my room and i did nothing wrong..but i do have to go and get cat food..so i have to go to the store ..which kind of means getting dressed again...and well walking to the store....blah...

maybe ill work on the ad first and then go to the store.... im running out of time...blah

my fault my fault

she actually came and told me it was my fault..that i was supposed to call her..and since i didnt she went to work...this morning when i got out of her car she said she would be back at 2..i told her i would call if i could leave early..but its my fault that she just went ahead and went to work...i knew i was stupid

triggered

had to take the buses home today..my roommate forgot me i guess..but she didnt show up..i waited for over an hour..because i was so stupid i just kept waiting hoping she would come..and she didint .. i tried calling her and no answer...and i was going to walk home but was to scared..and finally went and got some cash out of the atm and tried the bus even though i didnt know where exactly it went or where i needed to get off..i told her i was scared of the buses..but i couldnt think of any other way to get home..so got on the bus..i couldnt think..and i was so scared i was going to get lost .. and not knowing where to get off or the schedule..or anything..there were to many people..i dont like feeling lost..or that i dont know where im going..i dont like being left or abandoned because that is a major trigger...mommy threatened to leave me places all the time...i dont like being somewhere i dont know by myself..i dont like not knowing where im at or going ...even just feeling lost is a trigger...im trying to disappear on the bus and cant..i had to ask someone for help because i wasnt sure where to go when i got off the first bus..and i tried to figure it out on my own..i really did and i was to stupid to figure it out on my own..finally got on the right bus to come home and it was to crowded..i tried to get as cllose to the window as i could and still someone sat beside me..im trying to get home and not have a break down or a panic attack...finally start to recongize where im at and get off and walk the rest of the way home..and i get home and completely break down..im still crying..a bit...trying to get grounded and calm down...cant brethe im so anxious and worked up...im so so upset and scared still..i dont want to cry anymore..my head hurts...i took two of the anxiety meds trying to calm down and maybe they are starting to kick in..i dont know..

i dont know

im feeling very quiet and withdrawn today...something is bothering me...maybe its stress oe worrying...i really dont know

how am i still awake?!?!

im trying to remember my sleeping for today..and i dont think i really napped...i know i woke up at 4ish and fell back to sleep around 9 or so maybe..and only slept for a couple hours..and ive been up since then..and its going on 11pm and im still sitting up watching tv..and well writing and messing around on facebook...my mind is going to a million different places though right now and so im trying to fight the urge to sleep...i also to exactly know where taji is..so yeah..im debating on if i need to go and find her..prolly not though..because she is probably just sleep somewhere..

i pulled my glasses back out today..i cant see the tv..and it was bothering me..so i tried to fix them..and wear them..and guess what ...i can see !  darn that doctor for being right lol...but i really should be wearing them more..i think i look like a dork in them..

but my mood has improved a bit since this morning ..and a lot since yesterday...this morning i was still feeling pretty suicidal..and all that..and i ended up talking to tramaine and letting her know that i was sorry for yesterday and that i was mad at her..but that things are ok...

went to walmart and then just vegged out watching tv...

just thoughht of u,, yeah,,,now im distracted..eessh

trapped

i need to write and ive been having trouble getting my thoughts together to even figure out what i want to write...but after yesterday i know that i need to write or else i will end up burning myself..or throwing things..you know having one of those melt downs that i swear to never ever have...yeah its gotten to that point..and it litterally happened overnight...

im trying .. to figure out job stuff and money stuff and everything and im getting no where..i have a sorta job but no way of getting there...and that makes me feel so stupid and tired...im afraid of the buses and dont really have the money anyway to ride...with getting the internet and cable set up ..money that i needed for bills has been takken out of my account and tramaine hasnt given me her half yet...and so now im super low on rent money and have nothing to go towards the electric bill at all and i just want to bang my head on the wall....i finally talked to mommy yesterday about maybe renting me a car for a little while...and that when i start getting paid then i can go and pay myself but right now i dont have the income..to do a damn thing with and i just want to cry and scream and just do something that hurts..to punish myself in some way..because again this is a situation that i have gotten myself into and now im stuck and cant get out of it...

i dont like feeling trapped..and i think that is what has triggered a lot of this..not knowing how i am going to get places...figuring out im afraid of the buses..being stuck at home and dependent on tramaine to go anywhere...in an emergency i will walk to dollar general but that is not a daily thing...everything is getting to me...i want my apartment back..im sick of having extra people here...tramaine had better not ever say anything to me about not letting someone come and stay and she had better not say a damn thing if i ever invite anyone to stay....2 or 3 weeks has become more than a month and a half ... and just someone in my space is getting to me...simple fact that i am paying the rent and bills and what not and someone else has been here for how long and is paying nothing or helping to pay anything and it pisses me off...maybe i am just being mean..but i dont think so...ive been nice..ive been accommodating ...and now i want my damn apartment back....we were barely here a month before she moved in her cousin...and she i am getting angry about it...im trying not to ..but i am...i dont like it..its bothering me...and im even more annoyed that her girlfriend comes and stays too...

yes i am epically pissed off at ever single thing right now...i am .. and i dont mean to be ..but i am..i cant go anywhere..i cant do anything..im fucking trapped in my apartment and i want to just get out ..and go somewhere...anywhere...ok so i want to go to sarah but she is struggling right now to with some different things and i guess me and my bad mood shouldnt be bothering her either...

i just dont know what to do..im stuck in so many ways and see no way of getting out of any of them...ive been worrying so much about the bills and things and i dont know what im going to do...i cant exactly go ask nia to borrow 100 dollars...they are about to go out of town..so no..i will wait it out i guess..since i have no other choice...mommy would be happy anyway...no money for food means that ill lose weight..yay me...i will keep silent about the current issues ... and just try to get through the day...there is nothing else i can do...

of the three ppl living here tramaine is the only one with a paycheck coming in for at least the next couple weeks...she didnt go and buy food yesterday...so i guess its silly to expect her to put food in the house ...for now anyway..sometimes she borrows some of her sisters food stamps and then we are able to go shopping a little bit...but no...i dont mind ...i can convince myself of almost anything...so why should this situation be any different...the little bit of money i did have...is now gone and because of that i dont have enough for rent and so yes my anxiety is going through the roof ...im worrying and stressing and trying to plan all day every day....i cant find a solution and im tired of asking to borrow money just to survive..maybe surviving isnt that important anyway..ive tried...for the past year ive tried and tried and tried and still i am facing an unknown situation ... and its my fault..so maybe i should just call it quits...stop trying ..give up completely...i cant keep doing this...i cant keep struggling and fighting and trying...i dont want to keep having conversations about how i owe mommy so much and i cant even get it together enough to figure any damn thing out..i just freak out and worry..and find no answers...and so i am stuck..trapped in more ways than one..and just feeling triggered nonstop...there is no escape anymore...all there is to do is smile and bear it and keep my mouth shut...i have to take care of taji and bounce first anyway...so i still come in second...ill always be second i guess...

if i cant eat then maybe ill just sleep...keep my problems to myself...shut up and get through the day..that is all there is to do..until i figure out a way to die of course..but that will just take more planning and i dont have the energy for that right now...so ill suffer...and keep suffering and just some how get through each day...somehow... maybe ill just hide out for a bit...i dont know...