Yesterday was great

Sarah and I went to movies and out to dinner yesterday.. It was a lot of fun and nice to get out and have fun..we saw the trolls movie..I loved it :)

where do i go from here ?

well this has been an eventful week...and as it is coming to an end..i feel like i need to find some direction or something in my life..but the thing is..right now i dont want direction.. in all honesty..im tired of direction..i want a chance to do nothing for a little while..to get my self back on level ground..and i think im just going to focus on the holidays for now and getting through them...i know my stress and what not is always elevated this time of year and so maybe having more time to just not be expected to do anything is a good idea...i still have a job..i still have things to do...but i have more time during the day to get things done...but i want time to get my head in a better place..once again im wanting stabillity for my own issues..and then ill move forward into looking for another job..but im not going to stress myself out about it...i have paid all my bills for this month and now my attention is on other things...im tired but im ok with my current decisions.  and i might get a kitten... that particular decision is still in debate mode :)

thoughts on the election

i really wish i could turn off the news..i wish i could ignore all the newsfeeds..the calls to action..the protests..the hate..the injustice...the knowledge that so so many people didnt vote...but most of all i wish i could turn off the fact that trump is the president...

i try not to post political things or things that cause a huge divide because i hate the division. i hate knowing that as a nation we have voted in a man who has no love for anyone other than himself )in my opinion). I am speaking for myself.  I am speaking on my own thoughts. 

I have loosely followed the election, I grew tired of them attacking each other.  I grew tired of the threats, the shame, the guilt, the name calling.  They acted like children throughout the whole election.  It was disheartening and so i stopped watching, but that did not get rid of the election.  I still heard what was going on, I still listened, and I still saw.

When i woke up on wednesday morning and saw who won i didnt know what to do.  I was upset, scared, worried..i am still those things..but again i am bombarded with being told i need to protest..that i dont care if i didnt vote one way..or that voting 3rd party was stupid..there is protesting and it breaks my heart.  There are children bullying other children..telling them to go home..taunting them with yells of "build the wall"..people are being attacked..and my world slowly narrows with each passing day..

i dont feel safe...i am worried when i leave the house..my paranoia has increased ... because i am a women, because i am black, because i am a lesbian, because i am not normal...the odds are swiftly stacking against me..and with everything going on its like i have to ask myself what extra minority class do i fall into...all things that i had no choice in..but all things that will condemn me..

but i have to keep living..i have to keep making it...i cant cave in and give up..and i cant predict the future..i dont know what is going to happen..i truly dont..but i have enough worries going on that adding in the state of the entire usa is a bit much...like i have to keep reminding myself to focus on what is going on right now...what do i need to manage right now..i cant worry about what things might be like a year from now..crap i cant even worry about a month from now..i stop functioning if i skip to far ahead and try to come up with a plan that has no basis..no foundation... i need something concrete to happen..something concrete to fight against...words alone mean nothing..again this is my opinion ..

all of the protests change nothing...the rioting just ends up with more people being hurt...the bullying and harming of others because they are different hurts..and all of it together makes me feel so alone..but i have to keep going ... i wont hate ...  i wont hurt anyone else ... i wont hate ..

saying goodbye

the hardest ..saddest part of leaving my job...was saying goodbye to the clients and knowing i would not be seeing them again... they tell me have a good weekend and see you on monday and i cant respond :(  i wish i could make them understand..but maybe its better that i cant..maybe in there world there is no such thing as goodbye..and they will just think that they will see me again..that i will show up one day..that i will return and pick up where i left off with them...and it hurts..i can put on a brave face..but it hurts.. :(  maybe its better i wasnt able to tell them goodbye...

randomness of life right now

well...to continue with the randomness of today...i made the reservations to go to my sisters for christmas...well sarah and i of course...we have to stay at a hotel because i do not even want to begin to argue with mommy over the bedroom..so we will go to a hotel and just cut out the drama.. with me getting rid of my other job i know it will be a bit tighter financially but we will need to start figuring out who will be getting what for christmas...

ill be staying here for thanksgiving..no plans of going anywhere at all..just relaxing ...cooking....hanging out...im not going to make a gigantic dinner but we will have a nice little set up...turkey, loaded mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, gf stuffing, broccoli and carrots and gf rolls of some sort...the entire meal will be gf ... im so proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes ...im slowly moving back into not eating gluten..i didnt go off of it cold turkey..but im giving myself the option you know..ive almost managed to get it down to only one meal with gluten during the day..vs all meals having gluten!  im working on it seriously..let me get this down and then ill work on my sudden growing soda habit..essh .. i am having pizza for dinner today though..but ive planned on that...

i went to aldi yesterday and found gf stuffing!  gf chicken soup, a better gf bread and gf wraps...im pretty excited..and they did not cost me my first born child..so that was super good...

mood is kinda down..ok a lot down..ive been reading a lot and watching movies...trying to escape..sarah isnt feeling well and im worried about her...its sad being here without bounce..it really is...but each day managed is a good one i think..

mommy

all day my thoughts have gone back and forth..im scared and worried and still crying off and on ... the day started off like any other monday..but i got to work and all hell broke lose with family stuff... i missed some calls from nia but wayne managed to get me ... mommy had a heart attack... to put it nicely i totally and utterly lose it at work..they wouldnt let me leave until i calmed down...as i tried to explain why i needed to go home and couldnt be understood because i was crying so hard..eventually i got out what the phone call was and calmed down and came home...well mostly calmed down..i talked to nia, henry and wayne...henry had come home from work too...this is major..this is all encompassing .. this is just to much.its like the world has been pulled out from underneath me and im left with no idea of what to do...im forced to wait..i could try calling her again but i want her to actually rest..but i am still freaked out..

the story as pieced together as it will get..is that mommy got sick last night and called uncle clyde who came over and stayed with her...she still wasnt feeling better this morning and went to the hospital... mommy never willinginly goes to the hospital..ever..so for her to agree to go means this was a major deal...she goes the the hospital and they transfer her to the cardiac hospital after figuring out she had a heart attack...i managed to talk to her for a few minutes while she was being transported from one hospital to the other...but she got to the second hospital where they ran tests and found that she had a 100% blockage and immediately took her to surgery...and she got through the surgery fine and is in icu now..she wont be released for a few days and the doc most likely wont be clearing her to fly home ..so she will have to stay in ohio for a bit..

and that is where things are at for now...we are all passing messages and phone calls back and forth to let everyone know what is going on...and the eye opening part is that mommy said she had been feeling sick for a few days..lightheaded, nausous, etc and didnt go to the hospital..explained it away as something else..and now she is in the hospital..hours away for a heart attack..she was supposed to be on vacation...she was supposed to be coming home today and for this to happen...i am scared...very very scared ...

i just cant ...

once again i am left wondering how it is i keep failing at work stuff...ive tried explaining it to mommy and her response is that i need this job..i need to keep this job..and it makes me feel like i have no other options..that i have to stay at a job that is not a good fit for me..because i have no choice..because i screwed up...i tried to explain that my hours are being decreased..her response was well now i have time for a THIRD job...yes she actually said this ..that i should go back to working part time at a job ive had before..and at that point i just stopped trying...right now i work 8 - 5 or 6 ...which overlaps my other job which is technically 3:30 to ll:30..monday through friday... my docs tell me there is always time for doing things for myself and i really wonder what extra time they are talking about! i mean my second job is not taxing and i do have time to chill and what not...but where exactly do i fit in a third job? where do i make time for me to do anything that all other than work in some form or fashion? my hours for sat & sun go from 8am - 11am...given i am technically working and laying in bed since i live here too lol..but ugh...ive been thinking about all of this since yesterday when i talked to mommy and no matter how i try to work it .. i cant see myself having three jobs and i told mommy that i wouldnt get a third job...i cant...mentally i can not handle a third job...crap im struggling with 2..and if im not working im sleep..i keep looking at my schedule and trying to find extra time..i keep thinking that i have to find some time..i need to find another job..i cant not work..i have to keep doing things or i fail...the whole conversation yesterday made me feel like an utter failure...again

work woes ... :(

i am feeling very angry..and upset and well ive stopped crying but yes i was ready to put in my two week notice at work today..well on wed when i go back...i honestly told t that i spazzed out at the hotel yesterday and wouldnt leave..i told my job i was still out of town this morning..and that was the end of it i thought...when we got home today..i had a message from work saying that my time off request for tomorrow was not approved and that i would be on the schedule...i told her again that i had doctors appointments tomorrow and couldnt come in..and so i wouldnt be there..ok skip ahead and im told i need to call the director and talk to her about it because i technically didnt turn in my time off request. on friday before i left to go out of town..all of them had already left the office and i just forgot to write it and give it to them..so i left it on the stove in the kitchen..i forgot to call on monday and ask the supervisor to turn it in for me..so im told today that my request will be accepted...i call and talk to the director after being asked who i turned in my time off request to..obviously they got it..but whatever..i call the director and tell her that i cant come in tomorrow and apoligize for having to have today off...im told that i show no respect to them..im told i didnt call out two hours in advance this morning when i have the calls on my phone...i called at 5:45am...2 hours in advance of my 7:45 shift..they say i called in only an hour in advance...the conversation ends with her telling me that she will talk to me on wed when i come in... why am i getting a talking to? im not a child? the entire thing upset me to the point of tears...i was ready to put in my two weeks notice and be done with it...but of course i had t today and so she injected some rational thoughts into the mix..like they are following procedure and what not...so by the time i left i agreed to go on wed and see what happens...t told me that if i need her later in the week to call her..but im feeling so confused..every time i think about what has happened..i get angry...i dont want to be there...at the same time it is a job and i am expected to suck it up and deal with it like an adult...t mentioned that sometimes the kids react to adult situations and then im left to clean up the mess that may be the fall out...which then made me tell her that i wasnt talking to her anymore..with lots of pouting and whining and almost an all out tantrum (which did not help my case either) dang she read me like a book today and i hate when she does that..i hate when she gets logical too..and the pouting and upset feelings are returning...blah..i dont understand why i am reacting so strongly to this ... am i overreacting ?? am i wrong ? im not sure i want to know if im wrong...the annoyed pouty one doesnt want to be told she is wrong..she wants to walk in and quit...the adult me cas see the procedures and stuff in place and its like ok..maybe i was wrong and didnt follow protical and so i have to be written up..but again i dont like feeling like im in trouble..or on pens and needles at my job...t knows that but like my sister and mom dont ..and i cant explain it to them..well i cant with my mom..im frustrated and feeling incredibly impulsive...my body shakes with the need to do something ..anything..so im sitting here writing ..knowing that is not what is wanted..i have to keep it together...i think..i have to see what wed will bring but again..this is one of the things that you cant tell me about and then leave me alone with my thoughts..your going to talk to me ok..but in my head ive been fired three different ways, and killed, and all sorts of stuff....ugh...i dont know what to do...

RIP Bounce

I found out today that Bounce died at some point this weekend :(   i knew she had been acting a bit different..but i thought she was still adjusting to the new kitten..i was going to take her to the vet when i got back..but its to late now :(  i feel sad and upset and sad... i didnt get to say goodbye..ill never see her again ..

i got bounce in 2010 ...she made it to 7... she has moved with me numerous times...she has lived and been so very loved..she was my friend..shes been with me through so very much..she has dealt with a lot ... i will miss her... i wont forget her. ill never forget her.

Bounce 

2010 - 2016

recap....this week

well..i did it...i asked to be taken off of the schedule for the rest of this week. i actually asked yesterday but i came in today to go to the pumpkin patch (eeewwww)..but im off tomorrow and friday..to catch up on my notes and stuff... tuesday was a really awful day at work and i was just stressed out and worried about work stuff and home stuff and i was ready to cry at work because i was getting so overwhelmed...and they kept threatening to take me off the schedule anyway..so i just asked to be taken off and said i wanted to keep my job..so i have two days to get ALL my notes in...but the break from work seriously relieved A Lot of stress that i was holding on to...and i am able to think more calmly and clearly and stuff ...i have to prepare to go out of town..have tons of errands and things to get done..and so the break is much needed anyway..but yeah..we are so short at work and tempers are high and im getting/feeling more and more like giving up...again..im trying to hang on to the job a bit longer ..but its not a long term thing at all ..not at this point. 

i had to go to a med class today and it was about insulin....now i am diabetic..on pills but not on insulin..i refuse to agree to insulin and it is not a major option for me right now..but in the future it could be and that scares me..but the class today scared me too..ugh..and im sitting in there like crap what in the world am i doing to myself you know? i could do so much better with my health and i dont and i just dont fully understand why either..i mean i can go a couple months at a time but then some brings back the old habits and its a vicious cycle..i dont know...like i know all the stuff to do but i just dont do it..or dont stick with it...ugh frustration...

thats been the past couple days though..a lot going on..and major loads of stress but hopefully that will begin to lessen and ill be off work all next week so time away will be good to..
my brilliant light bulb moment from the past couple weeks ?!?! i do not under any circumstances handle stress well ... i guess ive always known that ..but it was kinda brought back to light when t mentioned making a referral for me to get help with stress management..cas i would swear up and down that im fine and im managing ..but yeah...im soooo not managing...but anyhoo...

oh and the whole no personal time kinda came up again...blah

angry

today i am tired and not feeling good at all..im tired of work already and i just got here. im tired of people not showing up and im tired of being yelled at about stupid stuff...im sick of notes and this building and just all of it...i dont want to be here...why am i staying ? i really wish i could figure out why i am staying here? maybe i think that im supposed to have a job..two jobs to prove that i am capable and able to manage and make it...i dont know...im just worn out ..and frustrated right now...there is no time to catch up and im already really behind ...i cant keep the notes on my computer but they put them on my computer..except for the one i pulled from an email yesterday...but i did them..and i refuse to write them over ...i really do..im already majorly behind and i actually turn in the stupid notes for yesterday and all i get is that i was supposed to hand write one set of notes and i want to scream ... i don't have time to redo a set of notes that i typed just because its been decided that i needed to write them...shouldnt you be happier that i actually did them?  whatever.  my mood is not good today ..im actually feeling angry and i didnt take my meds this morning and im feeling sick and have a headache forming...so im just going to be quiet today and get through the day..and go home

stupid allergies

i feel like death..i sound like death and i cant breathe....fml  i just want to sleep but im dragging myself to work today...ugh

maybe im just lying to myself

maybe im not cut out for work...maybe i just cant manage a work setting or not take things personally...as i watch another coworker prepare to quit..i am feeling depressed...at a lost for what i want to do....how can i just suck at so many jobs ??  yesterday has left me feeling quiet and down and sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...i dont want to go to work..i dont do well in enviroments where i feel like i dont know what is going on..and that is what happened yesterday in an extreme way...i was overloaded...anxious..upset..confused..and felt like i was expected to know what was going on but no one told me anything..all of us ..even the floor supervisior got written up yesterday..and then they have the nerve to ask why we arent more motivated?? i saw the floor supervisor crying again yesterday and i wonder how much longer she will stick around with the way she is treated...i dont like that..not to mention i am sick a lot lately....stomach issues...im at a loss for all of that too..im not eating as badly as i have been..but yeah there is still room for improvement of course...but the nausea is a daily thing again..and i hate it...i dont want to even eat anymore...

im ready for vacation...i need to get away..regroup...just think without worrying about work.

less than two weeks away !

im ready to go now ...

missed therapy this week...to stay late and work on notes..but i talked to anita about why i couldnt come in...im not missing next week.

my brain is fried and its only wed.... i want to hide in bed and not do anything at all.

what am i doing ??

im pasively sabatoging my job..im not doing the notes..i can rightfully be fired for not doing the notes..i could cause alot of trouble for the company for not doing the notes..and what have i still not completely done???my notes...im frustrated and annoyed with myself at this point...and im annoyed ill be written up today...my fault completely ..but still...i dont like it..i gotta get my motivation back..something..ugh

ugh.

my stomach has been awful today..and prolly yesterday to if i think about it..but a lot of cramping and trips to the bathroom..im trying my hardest not to call out of work and just go to the bathroom if i need to..but its so embarrassing going back and forth to the bathroom...ugh..i just want my stomach to get its act together...i hate feeling nauseous more than anything else in the world !

rambling

I need to clear the head a bit and well writing is as good an option as any. I keep thinking about my coworker, who tells me she loves me and gives me loads of hugs, and lets me talk and listens and all of this. she has told me things about her life and things that have happened and why she cares for me and my wellbeing and why she is worried about me. I keep trying to tell her that I am fine and that im okay and managing. Still she tells me that she worries and she figured out the cutting herself, the first day she met me at work. She has a family member that did it and so she knew. I couldnt figure out what she was hinting at when she talked to me at the beginning of the week..but by friday i needed her to spell it out for me. i needed her to say what it was and to hear how she figured it out. i also told the dumbest lie ever about being clumsy and falling alot ..and she listened and then told me to stop lying to her. i worry when she says that she is worried about me harming myself..i worry that if i take what she is offering that i will overwhelm her..that i will run her away..that she will come to hate me..that i will be to much to deal with. a lot of fears popping up..and all of this happens after i mention needing help..i keep thinking that also..i have talked to her mom who told me to hang in there...ive talked to her daughter who has dealt with suicidal feelings and things and she told me to be strong. . people i have never met..who seem to care about me and im the dork questioning why..maybe im just afraid to accept it..to allow myself to really just take it for what it is..to be loved and cared for..the most innocent of conversations has created an avalanche of care and it is a little overwhelming maybe. i want it. gosh i want it but i am afraid. what if she wants something from me? what if she is not trustworthy or hurts me or hates me? so many what -ifs..and i hate what-ifs. i drive myself crazy with what ifs ..she invited me and sarah to the fair..all week i avoided giving her an answer..she husband worked on my car for me today.. and so i asked sarah and we ended up going...and it was fun..i was a bit jealous because i wanted my friend to myself and had to share her with her friends and sarah and her step daughter...but she did take time out to check in with me and give me hugs .. i want to be around her and of course only her ..and i cant help but think about some things t has said to me about my behaviors when it comes to me getting attached and how i want all or nothing..there is no inbetween and something about making them pay for caring for me...hmm i think im getting the wording wrong on that one..but its like i take what they offer and then demand more..or become manipulative in ways to get more attention and stuff..and its like im a leech and im just sucking the person dry..because i dont accept what they are giving for what it is..does that make sense? hmmm .. i dont want to be a leech but i can tell the attachment is trying to form..and i can tell that i want all of her attention..but i dont want her to feel sorry for me..i want more than i can give..and im not entirely sure that is fair..i dont know how to have that equal give and take in a friend relationship..and of course i push these types of relationships into parent mode..or i try to ..and then i become overwhelming and needy..well im already those things but now it is being directed at someone outside of me..and things become a bit murky..blah...but ok.. umm yeah went to the fair...and ate french fries and funnel cake (not all of it) and ate steak on a stick ! lol that amuses me so very much it seems..played a couple games and won a questionable mammal? i thought it was a parrot...it is not a parrot ! but it has no arms and its bring yellow and just umm a little weird . and i got some chicken tenders that went from one side of the paro to the other with me and then walked all the way to the car with me and then drove to the candy store with me and then drove home and switched cars and arrived at home in a bucket so i can eat them :D the chicken tenders have truly experienced life today hehe. but i am worn out..majorly..we have been out ALL day! im gonna lay here and keep thinking about my chicken tenders it seems. i like chicken tenders and things on sticks it seems

its been a long week

sadly it is not over with yet... im just worn out this week..tired and very worn out..i dont know why im so tired this week..but i am..i mean its been gray and rainy all week...storms yesterday that had me on edge...more storms supposed to be coming ... im not feeling great but it could be worse..im super aware of what im eating..and when i am feeling sick...it is so up and down that it is frustrating...i feel like im not doing enough but i dont think my body could do anything else...did i mention im just tired?? ive been like 5 - 10 minutes late every day this week! ugh..

my mood is really down..like im working to be ok at work but even that is hard..im quieter...im no as involved..i want to hide...my anxiety has been up all week..probably not getting paid tomorrow may have something to do with that..but if i dont get paid tomorrow then ill definitely get paid on monday...its just frustrating..and my mood is crazy and i really do just want to hide most of the time..

is it my medicine? is it my stress?  is it my anything ?

i want to keep talking to my co worker and each day a little bit comes out..but im still hiding..and well talking about big things are tiring too...

i have a lot on my mind but i am stuck right now...and just tired...

work..and talking and stuff

you know when i went to work this morning i did not have a plan to talk to my coworker about what has been going on..well more about sarah and our relationship...i could have denied it when she asked...but i didnt ..and she put it together..and it was like oh crap what have i done..and then it was like i trust her...i hope my trust is not misplaced..we spent the day talking off and on about things ..about how mommy doesnt want me to share with anyone and how she acts and stuff with sarah..the day was tiring but talking about hard stuff always makes me feel tired..she didnt push..she talked to me about her daughter and how she accepted her...she asked me if i was depressed and i said yes without really going into detail .. she told me not to be depressed.. that is such a loaded question for me...i wanted to talk to her but gee we were at work surrounded by clients lol..not the time for a heart to heart..i have to be careful not to share to much though...i have to just be careful

depressed

i cant seem to get the depressed feelings to let go of me..im just sad right now and im struggling a lot ...i ffeel like i want to just cry for a good long while but i cant...there are a million things i want to do..well a million things i need to do..there isnt much that i actually want to do these days. im trying..i really am..and until anita mentioned it i wouldnt have said in a million years that i was stressed..but i am..im worrying and thinking on a constant basis. i cant get my thoughts to stop..ive been out of klonopin for a few days and i can feel the tension in my back building..my back hurts..my shoulders hurt...i cant relax because i might forget something..

so much anxiety..so anxious im staying depressed..my thoughts make me sad..and then i just look for ways to hurt myself..i cant keep cutting..and just as quickly that is the only option that occupies my mind...

maybe there isnt any help for me ...maybe i just have to manage and deal and not make a fuss...which means keeping things to myself...which means hiding...which means doing things i shouldnt do..

my thinking is tainted..i feel quiet...very very quiet..but im screaming so loudly in my head..but for what i dont know..

happy birthday

ok so i took an awful picture of the cake .. but im sure everyone knows it says happy birthday! 

i went out and got a cake this morning..and had mcdonalds for lunch and dinner..and had cake and fruit punch... its been a quiet day..playing games, reading, watching movies.. my mood has been up and down big time...ive managed to hurt myself a lot today.. i cant get the thoughts to stop..its so hard to stop once i get going..but now i am laying here..just thinking a bit about things..wondering about things..i told my sister about a day that didnt happen..and that made me sad..i know it will happen at some point..but it didnt happen today.. and thats ok.. but still im drowning in sadness...my day itsself wasnt bad...but i hate feeling so very alone when sarah is just in the other room..but it is like we are worlds apart..both struggling with different things at the same time...

but i have gotten coloring books, and a build a bear, and shopkins, and things for my birthday..oh and alcohol..cant forget the alcohol! havent even opened any of it because my stomach hurts so often..blah ... but i have it ..i dont think i need any more coloring books though!  ive been stocked up on them majorly. :)  but i love all of my books..they are all so different and cool..

i dont know what to really write about..my thoughts are a bit drifty tonight..maybe im just sleepy..and am thinking a little TO much right now..who knows..but maybe sleep soon is a good idea.