Thanksgiving Eve

since im awake i thought that i would do some writing and of course it is the night before thanksgiving so i am feeling a little bit reflective...

what am i thankful for this year?  what has me continuing to move foreward living life and actually feeling engaged in it...and ive decided ..

im thankful to be alive
im thankful for sarah and the life we have together
im thankful for my crazy weird cats
im thankful i am me

for the first time in my life i am thankful to be alive..im thankful the depression and the suicidal thoughts did not end me ... i am happy with my life, i am stable and grateful and even on the hard days i am still here...i am still fighting and gosh my head stays clear ... i am moving up in the world..i have people who love me and i am actually almost putting myself first this holiday season and not traveling...not stressing...not doing any of it...i am going to be at home with sarah and the cats..relaxing...enjoying myself ... this year has turned out to be a big surprise... but it has been good things ...still rough stuff going on too...but as i said ..i am still here..and so for that i am thankful.

mental health days ...

so...we are doing the equivalent of running away fora bout 36 hours ...it is a much needed break and we are just going to a hotel for a day and a half ...no obligations..no commitments..nothing..just me and sarah and cable tv ... just us and a different set of walls as things in life are a little stressful right now...so we are doing what we can to make the most of my time off..so we are running away... to get away and regroup and then come back and rejoin the world ... yep..

Blah....food

I hate when I can't sleep because all I do is eat...I'm no longer even hungry and still I stuff my face...ugh..I don't know what's wrong with lately..I eat and eat and eat and still feel hungry.. Tonight ..well it's almost morning now and I've eaten to the point of feeling sick and part of me wants to go and purge...but one bad behavior can't condone another bad behavior...so I'll suck it up on tonight and start a new day tomorrow... But something has to give... I'm going down hill fast right now...  And being sick helps nothing... Ugh...

....

i want to write but i am tired and sick and just kinda out of it..i have to work today and tomorrow and then ill be off for a couple days and able to rest a bit more and hopefully beat this cold that  i have...well allergies that just refuse to go away...but there is a lot on my mind .. im having some bad dreams and really woke up today wondering if i had truly hurt someone :(  my mind is over extended a bit..a lot... yes..i need a break...

on overload....brain dump

my brain is so overloaded right now..and im thinking a mile a minute and getting more and more frustrated as the day goes on...i guess ill start with the now problems and workm y way back to other things ...

i just need to write and i guess collect my thoughts ...

so the morning aide did not show up this morning...i left for work this morning with the expectation that she would show up at her usual time...i talked to sarah when i got off and find out she didnt show..wasnt answering calls or messages ...and was just unreachable...luckily i only worked a few hours this morning and so i was home again around lunch time...but this is unacceptable...i have to have someone here who i can depend on to show up when i have to go to work...this is not working out so great .. once again we have been so accommodating that i feel like we are beginning to be taken advantage of...and it sucks...and so they start calling around 1 and said that she was sick..that she had messaged...so on and so forth...but that she would be at work tomorrow..well i dont know..i just dont know right now...and i am frustrated because i was gone..at work and didnt leave things as i might if it was a weekend so sarah is the one who had to suffer in the end..because she didnt have what she needed and i feel so awful because i left for work and she was left without her needed set up...and it isnt fair at all...

the unaccessibleness of the apartment has been coming up a lot also and that is overwhelming me too...i know the apartment is not top notic accessible and i try to make it work for sarah and i guess i need to stop being selfish and do more to make it work better...like the kitten is causing a bit of chaos and so things are getting knocked over and pushed onto the floor and sarah cant reach them...she had to leave the apartment yesterday and struggled to get the door back closed so that the cats wouldnt escape...things that normally arent an issue become more of an issue when no one is home...so have to make some changes to how things are set up in the apartment..maybe i have been resistant to making the changes because i am worried about something...maybe i am just worried in general these days about things .. but there was a long talk last night and so changes will be made to make things easier for sarah...

my eating has been just out of control the past few days..i keep eating everything and dont feel full at all..i know im doing it..i know im eating way to much but i cant seem to stop..i cant seem to turn it around ..and it is frustrating me to the max...im supposed to be losing weight ..not gaining weight..candy is my evil right now .. i gotta get the candy out of the house .. i gotta stop feeling like i have to eat everything..my stomach is not happy at all these days...i feel like im not doing anything right at all right now..not food..not life in general..not anything..like im beginning to mess up again...like im gonna screw something up and mess up royally and just not manage ...and i was thinking last night that i just want to go to the hospital and have a bit of a break from life...but that is not possible or a real logical option anyway..so i need to think of other things...safe things...ways to keep myself feeling level headed and not so floaty again...damn it...

im thinking more about the holidays and stuff and trying to plan for things to do....what to buy ...what we need...what i want ... a lot of ideas and thoughts and things are trapped in my head...and it makes my head hurt...my doc appt last week was depressing and i had a med change..that could be causing the current predicaments that i find myself in ... who knows.. i am feeling out of control though...very out of control...

i may go to the support group on thursday night ...i called and asked to be added to it ..so i think im going .. im going to try to go...

im anxious today...very very anxious and cold ...

he proposed to her...

i am overwhelmed to say the least right now..my focus is shot and i am struggling to wrap my head around this information..

mommy got proposed to and i am struggling to identify my feelings about it.. i can only control myself and i am allowed to have my feelings right ?  i want to be happy for her but it just reminds me of how she totally shot me down when i told her i was engaged...i wonder if she remembers that or remembers what she said...how would she have taken things or how would the conversation have turned out if i told her that i wasnt happy with it..that i didnt approve?  would she have still been happy or would she have yelled at me??  that is what she told me and it hurt so very much...and it was like i didnt matter at all..but now she is telling me this news and i had to tell her i was happy for her..i couldnt say anything else...i guess somewhere inside i am happy for her..but maybe jealous to because she can tell people but i am sworn to secrecy..my news is shrouded in silence and omissions..

she didnt even tell him yes... ugh

i just want her approval..and cant get it ... but she has mine even if it may be fake and untrue...

just today

today has not been the best of days..my mood has dropped a lot and just kinda not myself today..i want to be left alone and have quiet and just not really exist today..so of course i had three appointments today..ugh...i made it to all three of them also..but it was a struggle..i feel better that i went but they have left me weapy and maybe even a bit more out of sorts..i dont know...it could be that today sits inbetween a not to great doc appt and med change yesterday and mommys birthday tomorrow..  its also now officially the holiday season in my mind and that causes its own set of issues..struggling already maybe and they arent even here fully yet...it has just been a day..

i had to run a couple errands after my appointments and so i have gotten my new computer and that makes me happy and it is a beautiful piece of technology lol...i got a couple movies and a coloring book also..just cause...

i have a lot of thinking to do about things it feels like...like decisions and choices that i have to make.maybe ill just take a nap and not think about anything at all..

im tired today ...really tired...