Past lies...old hurts ...

today i guess the past is rearing its ugly with a vengence...prolly been triggered by a mix of facebook things going on for other people and to much criminal minds in one day...so my mind is bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball...throughts and feelings cropping up and just kinda being shuffled around in my head...so i decided to write and see if i can get a handle on things...maybe ..i dont know...

so there is a friend on fb that has posted that her mom is going to clue her in on things that happened in her childhood...and i am aching with jealously because there is so much in my childhood that i dont remember and so seeing someone whose mom is like ok im just going to tell you floors me...but at the same time feelings of anger come up also.... like how dare she keep that stuff to herself when she obviously sees that her child is struggling you know...why keep the secrets for so long..why keep protecting whoever for so long..and why did you not help back then ?  what the crap... and it triggeres stuff for me becasue its like i just feel like everyone has lied to me and not told me the truth..it makes me think that someone knew something was wrong and no one stepped in..no one noticed me struggling...no one noticed her mean and hurtful comments and actions...no one saved me...that is it...no one saved me..but everyone can tell me how lucky i am...how did mommy manage to adopt so many kids and no one knew anything?  no one has said anything..but i have to walk around struggling to get through the freaking day and struggling to piece together my childhood and what not and no one knows or saw or did anything...where was the protection?  and now i am a screwed up adult with a lot of issues and still no one sees..but i guess by now i have perfected the art of hiding it all...but my body bears the fight i have had with myself on a regular basis...the fight i still have with myself on a regular basis...and still no one notices that something is wrong..and if they did notice would i tell them anything ??  or would i lie also .. to protect everyone else ?  -sigh-

reiki and other news

so i tried reiki yesterday and it was a good experience...i went with an open mind but still a bit doubtful... what i took from it is that she was removing the negative energy and replacing it with positive energy in my body... like i was laying on a table with my eyes closed..and she kinda moved around my body .moving her hands and stuff...i wasnt watching her though so im not totally sure how to explain it...i could feel different reactions in my body though..which was really interesting and at one point i was positive i smelled something burning...i left more relaxed and we did talk about what had happened and how i felt and things...i told her that i was fighting the relaxing thing and couldnt relax completely which is why i think i made another appointment with her...she picked up on my back pain..but she felt it in her arms and stomach ..and i didnt even tell her at the beginning that my back was bothering me ! she was a very calm lady though..and she explained things to me a lot and answered my questions as much as she could..she said she is going to research some things we talked about a little and we can talk about them the next time i come in. overall a good experience though..

 
yesterday, i saw the old roommate at the store. the one who locked me in my room and stuff..she was working so she couldnt really speak to me and im not sure she recognized me...but it has left me on edge since it happened.. like worried she is gonna contact me or worse start harassing me again with her sister.. am on edge really. i dont owe her a damn thing, not after how things went down. yet im still afraid a bit..and slightly paranoid...i dont want to change stores that i shop at just because i saw her...

my background check cleared for the new job and i was flooded with paperwork to complete for the orientation.  it was overwhelming to get all that information in my email.  i hope that i have gotten it all completed .  i need to email my HR person and ask her a few questions though as there are a few things i am not 100% clear on..  im excited to start but it is different doing everything online now...this is a first!  so i am unsure if i am doing everything correctly..

curvon and junior and here this weekend which kind of changed me and sarahs plans a bit..but that is ok..there may not be many more weekends i can get them since ill be working soon and i know ill be on the weekend shift...starting out at least..ill be on the weekend shift...so they are here...it is harder having both of them but its just because they bicker as any siblings do...

but i guess that is all that is currently going on...meds are situated again and i just need to go and get them from the pharmacy today..

Weight....

So while I was at the clinic yesterday, I was able to weigh myself..and I am ashamed to even admit that I've gained a lot of the weight back that I had lost..I'm not surprised..I just wanted a number to put to it you know..and we'll I have one and boy is it a number...I'm disappointed in !myself but I also know eating cake for three weeks straight is going to have an effect on a person ..ugh... So no I'm not making excuses... I'm making changes... Fixing things ..decreasing things and cutting way down on the sweets..I gotta get more active.. And out of bed..the job will help with that.. I want to get a fit bit and start counting my steps... I am in control of my health... me... I've lost weight more than once . So I know I can do it... I just gotta stick to it... Stay on track... Keep my head on straight... I gotta lose this weight again... I'll go to yoga next week...

good news...great news

i got the job ! 

i was beginning to get dejected and give up since i hadnt heard from them since the interview, earlier last week..but they called yesterday to talk to me ...and offered me a position!!  im so excited ..and i cant believe its been almost a year since ive worked outside of the house...wow...but im back to being employed...well i have 2 jobs but we need the extra income..and im excited to be working again ..so it is good...it is really good :) 

sick ?

i have felt like crap this whole week...i cant figure out if im sick? or is it stress ? am i adjusting to a med ? what ...  ii just feel like crap ...right now it feels like my sugar has dropped but ive checked my sugar and it is not low...but im lightheaded and out of it...im waiting to eat..like food in the oven waiting to eat...and im going to lay down and see if that helps..but its been something every day..and ive been freezing...so i dont know...just ...just feeling rather crappish ...

eh

ive been avioding writing lately..some things i dont want to acknowledge..some things i do..like mommy has been getting to me lately ..and getting on my nerves ..and frustrating me to no end .. talking to me about my skin which i immediately took to mean im ugly and stuff .. i sent her a picture of my new hair style ...she could have just said she liked my hair ..instead she mentioned more than once that i have acne..and am breaking out ... thanks..i kinda already know that but thanks for pointing it out and causing me to feel self concious about it .. ugh ..

went for a job interview yesterday and i think i got a job ... i was told to look for my offer letter in my email..so that means i got a job..im being hired to work in the pharmacy and the store for now..there is a lot of training involved and a lot of unknown to right now..but i have a class that i have to go to first and so that should clear up some things...but that comes after i get the offer letter and accept it and things...im excited but nervous big time because the job will come with A LOT of changes...the biggest being health insurance ..and leaving the clinic.. scary!!!  but im trying to take it just one step at a time ! 

my eating has been on a major down hill slope in my opinion and i have to get a better handle on that ... wont get all into details but  i feel like ive been gaining weight -major sigh- ... i know i can do better..blah blah blah.. dont eat so much bread..blah blah blah ..the usual ..

i did get some new tops though and rushed them here only for them to get here AFTER my interview...blah...i could have used that extra money had i known that they wouldnt make it in time..but whatever..it is what it is... 

i see the med doc today and the behavioral lady today...i want to start pulling back from them all because im afraid that ill have to leave and the need to protect myself in trying to kick in big time..you know...i need to leave first type thinking is kicking in..but im trying not to act rashly...trying to slow myself down and not jump the gun and make none thought out decisions..anxiety is rising .... i think ill stop writing for now...