just whats going on

for some reason i am very teary this morning again.. im also very tired ... woke up again super early and yeah instead of going back to sleep i have been doing random things online and what not... so i am really sleepy...maybe i will fall asleep after writing for a bit...

it has been a rough few days since coming home from the trip...emotionally its been a rough few days...seeing mommy this time around was very triggering and hard and just well .. it has sent me into a bit of a tail spin and i have been feeling very broken..very sad..very off since the trip...during the trip things were overwhelming and frustrating  and sad.. i didnt take any anxiety meds because i didnt take any with me which was stupid on my part...very very stupid..and it was so upsetting that i wanted to come home before i even got there...like turn around and come home.. the same old fears and wants bombarded me ..and i just struggled to deal with it all...

the wedding was nice .. everyone had a nice time..it was good hanging out with nia and rob and henry and sarah and noa and curvon..it was good seeing ms morris..it was nice seeing mommies new house..me and sarah found a fun new little place to eat..we had an adult day while nia took the kids to the amusement park with rob and henry...there were good parts to the trip...dont get me wrong .. there were..  there were good times, we lots of laughing and smiling and fun...

the sad times though have a way of overshadowing everything...

i know now that it is a 7 and a half hour drive to mommy in Ohio... which is also how long it takes me to get to nia is SC.  I know we arent going anywhere for Thanksgiving, but that i will be willing to drive to either for Christmas..

Had therapy last week and cried through most of the session...we talked about the trip...i was so frustrated with myself for crying but i was reminded that therapy is a safe place to cry! so im trying to be ok with that too...

note to self ... i need to by a scale ... i probably shouldnt ..but i want one... this is the last week of the nutrition program and so i wont be in the clinic weekly anymore and so no more getting weighed every week.. im sad to see the program end though ... i really am

now that things are ending ..its time to buckle down and look for another job ... gotta put my pharmacy stuff to use.. im going to apply to take the test at the end of sept ..and im hoping to have a job by then cas i have some things we need for the house ...and i have some things i need..like a new computer cas this one isnt working and it is frustrating the heck out of me...but like christmas stuff and planning a cruise for next year and all of that kinda stuff..and probably in the new year ill be cutting back on my hours with sarah ...so yeah..gotta put these last four months to good use !  and of course with a car payment now and stuff and budgetting ..yep...def need some extra income !!  so we will see how things go ..

oh and the new med situation ... well i truly think we have fallen into the right combination ... i do..not the right doasge yet..i think the abilify needs to be tweaked just a bit .. but i am getting bursts of energy and motivation to just get up and do stuff...ive been cleaning and organizing..ive been cooking and going out ..i can tell when things start to wear off and im going to ask her about taking it in the morning ... again i feel more awake most days ... right now i know that being around has kunda made things harder ..but im not trying to hurt myself either..im trying to manage and cope...im talking to sarah..and doing other stuff.. i mean im safe you know..

but im gonna go and lay down for a little bit longer ... im tired right now

thoughts on mommy ....

just a side note -  i went on vacation without filling the anxiety medication because i thought i was strong enough to manage without it... that i would be ok.... well as you can see and read.. THAT WAS A GIGANTIC MISTAKE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS -- sigh


being with mommy = hello darkness, my old friend. we meet again. i have missed you. i am lonely without you. it is as if i have lost a part of myself that i am more than willing to welcome back. That mean streak. That rebellious streak. That judgemental screecher that sits on my back, whispers in my ear, keeping me distracted, and out of focus. Judging me and everyone around me. picking and looking and watching everything. waiting and on alert for something, anything to happen. the thoughts, the questions of why, of what i deserve. of if i was loved enough. did i get the amount i deserved. did i get exactly what i deserved and i am paying the price of my badness level. i have to make up for being bad. i have to atone for my sins. i have to pay back for not being good, for being broken. for not being perfect. i see her look at me with disgust, with an emptiness. like i am not there. like she wises for anyone but me. i am not enough. who does she want? the good girl? puppet? the bad girl? cinder? silence? so many ? and fighting for her acceptance for her love and watching her with Noa and knowing that there is not enough for everyone. That i had my chance I guess. Now I am to old. I am an adult. I am not a child right ? I should have to compete for my mothers love. I watch though. I se the hugs and care and love she gives the children and the hurt and anger try to surface. I see the gifts and extra that she gives while I yearn and receive nothing but criticism. While I lie and say that it is fine as I am told to do better, to be better, to be more. I agree i can be more. But what else can I do? I can feel the cracks forming as 'more' tries to become a reality. what creating this time. another sad child craving attention and care? an angry child demanding to be seen and acknowledged? how much battering can one body take? how many words must be said before it all just stops and there is a break from all of it . How do I come back from vacation feeling as if I have failed at life? I wished on that second day to just turn around and come home. i was frustrated and upset and wishing I had filled the medication. I was overwhelmed and feeling like I couldnt deal. i did not want to see her. I did not want to be bothered with her. i was afraid already and already I was feeling attacked. just talking to her on the phone. I was reacting to her, putting myself on the defense. i didnt want to be there but i had already driven most of the 12 hours and could not turn back. I see her and the jokes and name calling at my expense starts. i laugh because that is what i do. Life goes on I guess. The days go by and the wedding happens. I thought I looked nice but doubt creeped in heavily after seeing mommy of course because she came up and looked at me with her arms crossed and said nothing..just looked at me. have you ever had someone do that? it is as if i am being criticized and dismissed all at the same time. i tried so hard to find something approving..something nice. something pretty..and it was shot down without a word. just a look of utter disgust.. i hate being watched but she watches me, she asks what i eat. what im doing. where im going. the child is me responds with anger but the need to obey is still there. it still takes over. and i am left stuck and broken and yearning for things that i can not have...how easily she can pass me over...how easily she can seek my approval and ignore my seeking of her approval..my seeking her love...can she not see that there is not any feeling behind my words...that there is no desire to be near her .. that i am usually defensive or upset around her...how can she not see ?? how can she not see me ?

medicine changes

since i am up i might as well write :)  and boy is there a lot to write !!

I guess ill start with the big thing first .... i am feeling more alive than i have felt in forever...and by alive i mean more 'awake' i guess...its hard to explain...like generally i go through the motions of life..i maintain..i manage...im tired and sleepy through the day..and it is like i am in a almost perpetual fog kinda ... like im here but im never fully here ..i wonder if that makes since..hmm ... like its hard for me to fully be aware of my surruondings because im always so stuck in my head..or so focused on the millions of other things im thinking about ...or just not fully with it you know...my mind is just sometimes..ok a lot of times just on autopilot and im just going along for the ride..or im sleep and just not dealing with anything or overwhelmed ...and sometimes i can break through the fog a bit ... i mean i do have happy times..i do have fun with sarah and laugh and play and do stuff you know...im not always stuck in the fog..but the fog has been a constant companion for almost my entire life... like i cant look back over my life without feeling the depression has overshadowed it...without feeling the fear and sadness and feeling like an outsider in my own life ... i have been trying to escape my life so long that right now i am actually terrified of what is going on..because it is new and different and just altogether scary in a totally different way... but i have to explain it also !  ok  so earlier this year i went of all the psych meds... BAD idea.. just very very bad idea...to say i kinda fell off the deep end is putting it nicely...yeah i was probably that step away from actually being put in the hospital had i not been put back on something when i was .. im just glad courtney listened to me in my moment of utter madness and put me on effexor..i picked effexor not her.. i had been on it before and remembered enough to know that i felt it had worked back then ..but back then i couldnt afford it .. but now there is a generic thank heavens that is affordable this time around ..so on the effexor i go..couple months in (maybe more ..my ability to remember time frames just sucks)...i see her and we talk about how im feeling and decide to increase it, instead of adding in an new medication at the time ...which i was fine with ... over the summer a bunch of triggering and overwhelming stuff happened and so i was up and down... i did cut once ... and havent done it again but i do have razors .. luckily the desire to use them has not come back again very much .. so i guess im managing ok .. but i ended up having to stop seeing courtney because she has been moved down to the medical clinic side of things and a new lady has been hired upstairs for the mental health side of things at the clinic..which i am not thrilled about... i ended up having to meet the new lady last week because i realized that i needed refills on my medicine and that with going out of town ..i really couldnt put it off ... it took a lot of convincing and some pushing from sarah to get out of the door but i went to the appointment and ended up talking about what has been going on and how ive been feeling and stuff and we decided to add on the abilify ...a low dose ... it was a conversation that i had already had with courtney ..when we talked about my options with either increasing the effexor or adding something else on the kinda boost the effexor ... so it was a step i was comfortable taking..since i had talked about it already... and i was also super lucky in that she had a sample that was a freaking months supply !  now comes the scary part though...ive been taking the medicine for about a week now... umm i started it last thursday... and i am feeling more awake ... i am feeling almost excited about things..about starting my day you know... like i wake up and kinda want to get out of bed and do things...and its like what is this?  what is happening ?? i dont know these feelings ?  i mean i am a pro at staying in bed !  i can do it for days and not care !  and all of a sudden i want to get up?  i want to do things?   this hasnt really happened before and i cant seem to wrap my head around it?   i mean no it doesnt last all day... no im not becoming super woman over here ... but it is happening enough the past couple days that i am noticing ... like i was excited to go to the beach over the weekend and had a good time.. i was excited yesterday to get my hair done ... normally the beach would have terrified me to the point of panic and anxiety... i was nervous .. but i made a new friend and we stuck together and the anxiety was held at bay ... i didnt take any extra medicine ... and i had a great time .. i still had to take some quiet time to myself during the day..but that was ok to .. yesterday i didnt get frustrated when i had to wait to get my hair done... i spent most of my time over there talking to curvon and jr .. we watched movies and ate strawberries and had a good time .. like my mood is still not totally level but it is more up than down the past couple days and it is slightly mind boggling ... like this i dont know ... i know depressed.i know suicidal..i know anxious..angry..sad... but ok..excited..calm... maybe even almost slightly happy...this this i dont know !!!  this i dont know what to do with..what am i supposed to do with it ?  am i supposed to do anything with it ??

i also realized during my talk with the new medicine doctor that i am not needing to take the anxiety medication as much these days ... something that i had not really noticed .. of course i asked for the prescription ... and was given a prescription for a small amount to take with me out of town..and i am still going back and forth about even getting it filled... i know the medicine makes me sleepy and as much as i may want them ..and as anxious as i may be...taking them around mommy may not be the best idea ... but thinking about being around mommy still leaves me feeling anxious and even writing this i have to stop and calm myself down...i do want to be able to stop taking so much medication... i was looking at what i take the other day and it is a lot...and i guess i have just come to depend on all of the medicine and it is hard to let any of them go completely ... except the metformin !  the metformin i will gladly throw out the window at an given time !  just let the doc give the word and out it goes ! but i get so nervous without the psych meds ..like can i manage without them..will i fall apart..will i be ok without them? but now i am questioning if i can manage without the klonopin and that is so scary

but getting a little tired ..maybe ill sneak in a nap and then get up for good at 7 or so ...waking up at 4am is a little on the early side