urges

The urge has not died..or gone away..I'm struggling to stay safe..I'm struggling to even want to stay safe...give me back the few moments of calm..going to try to sleep a little bit before work..

Oh and yes
.tell the unstable person who can't handle change that moving will mean no more being seen at the clinic...Yeah..that was really smart...

cut

I am a cutter
I'm afraid I'll always be a cutter

I cut tonight and I didn't want to stop
I lost control
I didn't care

Something is wrong...
Why can't I sleep???

I'm tired

My arm stings
These will scar
I want to be upset with myself
But all I find is sadness
A bone weary sadness

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas world :) 

(My lovely Christmas roses from Sarah) 

I am doing everything I can to keep my mood level...in times of stillness I can feel the sadness at the edges..I feel quiet..I feel lonely but I'm not alone. I'm with Sarah and it has been great...we talk and laugh and well I sleep..I swear I try not to but it just happens!! I may have been a pain in  the butt yesterday because I wanted to open my gifts and kept being told no...you know I can be down right annoying but Sarah kept me in order and distracted..

We did Christmas over the phone with now and everyone..since I wasn't there and mommy sent my box here...I got kitchen stuff from man...gift cards that will be used for a date night ..clothes and bed stuff...Sarah got mg watercolor pencils and a sketchpad and a journal with a unicorn on it. :) definitely going to give the watercolors a try..I have been wanting to paint again  so this is good..oh and I got some movies and other coloring stuff too... I'm happy.. I am..And grateful because I know I,have been borrowing so much money lately and still I got gifts..I wasn't expecting anything at,all but mommy still came through and got me stuff...a stuble hint to lose weight but I know I need to work on my health..And I'm actually going to..I  afraid because of being  sick lately..  I don't want to go back to the hospital..And so that means a couple things..but I'll write more about them later on..today is a happy day right. Movies and relaxing with Sarah today..I made a cake and I'll be making dinner later on...Well a late lunch..And just having another day to ourselves..

I just hate that my mood still over powers me .... :( I may need to talk to Courtney about my mood swings again....blah

a new option

a new option as been brought to my attention in the whole possible homeless situation ... and what i may be able to do....

i was talking to mommy and she actually brought up that i could come home and just commute on the weekend ...something i really had not thought about honestly... i mean when the conversation comes up i do everything i can to avoid having going home as an option...but this time ...this time i may be going home ....short term of course ... to allow for saving and lowering my stress levels ..

te problem is that i have until the 1st of January to find somewhere to go...no other option and im not payin avante any more money for anything..so 1st i need to be out...this is causing me a lot of stress..i cant afford a place on my own because of money and my credit..i cant save because im not making enough money.. lookin for a place and finding a safe place is going to be hard.. the stress of everythin landed me in the hospital and i dont want that again...

pros of going home...
-it will keep my bills low
-i will be able to help courtney with marley
-i wont be alone
- i can come back and forth to richmond
-kai will be going with me
-i will be able to get online
-short term and sarah will keep reminding me of that

cons
-im going home
-ill be around mommy more and that causes fear
-i will have to be careful to keep the anxiety under control
-not feeling that i have as stable a support system
-more dependence on mommy
-afraid i will get comfortable at home

im trying to think this through completely because i need to know what i am getting into ... i can do it..i know that..but am i willing to ? do i want to ? do i really have a choice if i am fighting to prevent homelessness ... i truly want to become more self sufficient...i want to be able to support myself and eventually be able to live with sarah in october...that is the month we picked ... i want to be able to start over with her but to honestly do that i need to be in a better space financially...i need to have some money saved...i need to just be more stable and  in better health and all of that...continue seeing anita and courtney and megan... if i can remember my goals...well i have to set them first..but if i can remember them...remember that this is not forever..that this is not me being a failure..then it could work...it could ...

Well I'm back...

I spent a week in the hospital...from.Tuesday to Saturday because my stomach pains got worse...I was tested for everything possible and they gave me a couple diagnosis... I do not like the mri machine ..it scared me senseless...I had 5 ivs put in because my veins kept blowing out..the shift changes made me anxious..And I still hate wearing socks .even in the hospital..I did talk to Anita while there and Megan too..I forgot to message Courtney..but I'll email her since I need to see her this week anyway...it's so weird coming out of the hospital and being back  in the real world...I missed a whole week of my life..And now I feel a bit out of place..I'm still having some pain and I hate that I didn't get the pain meds filled..trying to manage though...I need  to do some research on ibs and gastritis..find out more about them...have been told I need to lower my stress levels..I'm always stressed! But definite changes need to be made because I am stressed out...

frustrated

Right now I am,just feeling so,frustrated and angry...I'm overwhelmed and tired..I haven't eaten on time today,so let's add in cranky and pissed off to..ugh...so much frustration...Anita was rough and I won't be able to see her weekly for a little bit...stressed out about finding a place to live...gosh I want my own place and its depressing that I can't get one...I don't have the money or the credit to do it...I would ask now but she is to far away..Maybe I need to just look at renting a room somewhere and trying to manage that....I don't know..I'm  tired of thinking and trying to figure things out...mommy finally agreed that it will be to much for me to drive all the way to nias on Christmas day just to turn around and come back...I can't afford it anyway...so no traveling but I'll be with Sarah....right now I'm not even sure I can afford.to mail presents out...I'm a failure..that is what this feels like..the thoughts make me want to  cut I'm trying to be ok and be strong and manage ..there is no time for tears...all I want to do is cry though..but no instead I'll worry and stress and try to figure somethin  out..the outlook is depressing...everything is depressing and I feel so inadequate ..so useless...antia  is right...I am holding on to a lot of anger..I try to hide it but it is always there
.I don't want to become that bitter angry person..I really don't...but I am angry..so very angry...And anger is one emotion I am afraid of...it's one I can't handle..I'm just struggling today and feel like I need to keep my thinking to myself...

I wish

  Wish I could just write and empty my head but my focus is shot...My thoughts are little jumping beans and I don't feel good...I'm really just hoping that I sleep tonight.
.

Maya is a liar and a thief... I am pissed off

what is wrong with me???

Something must be wrong with me..Im  flawed in some way...unfit to live with others..i don't know..I need to find a new place to live by Jan 1...I've been asked to leave and I don't truly understand why..I've talked to her about th  kids stuff and to ask .e..I tell her my schedule..when I ask if she needs help.she says she's got it covered..Ok..so I don't ask...I use the last of my money to go get groceries..did she bother telling me that the fridge is broken? I haven't been here..I try doing something and am asked to leave...where do I have to go? Where can I afford to go?? Just one more thing to add on to the list of things I have to figure out..what am I going to do...And I just keep thinking that I've messed up again....