nervous nervous and more nervous

im nervous about t today and im nervous about my meeting tomorrow..i want to go tomorrow..i really do..but im afraid too...really afraid .. gosh why cant i have the good drugs! ugh

Easter thoughts

Well today is Easter and I mean overall today my mood has been ok…I was feeling ok for the better part of the day with a few harder times mixed in..my anxiety was really high today and I picked my fingers apart while in church. I didn’t mean to but it just happened..i actually went to church today by myself..without Jessica being there..and it was really scary and I felt like I just stuck out so very much..like everyone was looking at me and everything..Lady (the pastors wife) gave me a hug before the service started..and I don’t even know how she recognized me because I was completely focused on something else at the time and was faced away from the aisle at the time..but she asked how I was and hugged me…and I kinda kept an eye on her during the service..because im just weird like that..and when I have ppl that I am attaching to I tend to keep track of them..because I think it makes me feel better in some weird way..knowing where they are at…and then there is the other lady there who I am attaching to also and I was really upset when I couldn’t find her..like really crazy upset..and I kept thinking about why she wasn’t there when I needed her to be there..i really did..and it took a little while for me to find her..but once I did I calmed right down again..and so I sorta kept tabs on her also…I tried to listen to the service today but thinking about it now I don’t remember it much at all..i mean the jist of it of course I know..i mean I do know the story of the resurrection and all of that..but as for the message I just don’t remember it…and then of course there was the whole prayer part at the front that I really wanted to go do but again fear stopped me..i was deathly afraid..and I couldn’t go up there..i couldn’t..and I was just watching all of it happening and I was so jealous and upset because I wasn’t able to have that kind of support and my head of course twisted it all up and I was thinking that no one liked me and there was no help for me and that I wouldn’t be forgiven for anything because I was awful..and again I kept tabs on the two women who happen to sorta take part it that and prayer for the ones who are asking for prayer..and I was upset about them giving there attention to others..when I so obviously needed there attention…but it just left me feeling really very sad you know..like I so want to be able to just go and ask for support and I cant because im afraid..had I been sitting closer to either one of them I may have asked for prayer or something without going up to the front..i almost wished Jessica had been there so that I could have asked her to ask one of them to come over for me..hmmm I don’t know…but well I got through the whole service..and when it was over I sorta slipped out with the visitors even though I have been there for like more than 2 months now..but still im not a member so I guess that makes me still a visitor!  But anyhoo I went and information room and tried to socialize but sucked majorly at it..and I ended up just filling out the registration form for the womens retreat..i don’t know if ill be able to get the money for it..but ill try..i really want to go but well if I cant afford it then I cant..and im trying to be ok with that..but I did that..and then I sorta pinpointed lady again and sorta hovered around her until she noticed me..and she offered a hug..which I accepted of course.and it was  a very tight and safe hug..it was..and I think I just wanted her to keep me forever..but we chatted for a little bit and she confirmed our appointment for wed evening..and so I was a little proud of myself for seeking her out and getting a hug and talking to her..even if it was just for a little bit…and then I started to look for the other lady and I had to go back into the chapel part and I saw her and just sorta waited for her to again notice me..and she did..and of course the first thing she did when she saw me was offer me a hug..and you know asked how I was doing and everything..and as we were walking out..i asked her if I could ask her a question and she said yes and of course then I couldn’t get the words out for what I wanted to ask her..and she was pretty patient waiting for me to ask..and my nervousness was really keyed up and I was almost ready to take back what I wanted to ask before I asked..ugh…but finally I mumbled out my request for her to pray for me..which led to even more questions some I answered and some I didn’t…I told her that I had specific things that I wanted prayer for but I also told her that I couldn’t tell her all of the reasons yet..and so she asked me a few more questions about more general stuff..and somehow we ended up talking about anxiety..and some of my fears associated with coming to church and all of that.and some general family questions and things..and she did pray for me before I left her today..and she told me that she would pray for me during the week too..and she walked me to my car..and I got one more hug before leaving her today..oh she also asked me if I was okay..and I swear I went stupid for a minute and almost asked her to define what she meant..i asked her something as a response and she repeated the question and I finally told her that I was ok..and we left it at that..i didn’t think today was the day to just lay it all out for anyone..and well I kinda need to be absolutely sure that she will keep everything confidential..i really would prefer you know that everyone did not find out things about me..and im trying to trust at least these two women because I need support from somewhere you know..and if I cant have it at work because its not appropriate then I need it from a safe place..and from safe people..so yeah..i guess I left today feeling a little more accomplished since I had spoken to both of them on my own today..even though I was really scared to do it..the 2^nd lady who I will call D told me that I could have sat with her today….and I told her that she sat entirely to close to the front for my comfort..and she actually told me that she would have moved back some to sit with me..given I don’t think she would been as far back as I was but well I guess I could have compromised..so yeah..i was feeling a bit more settled leaving..still a bit sad…and im a little bit nervous about my meeting on wed .. I don’t know what to tell her..or what to ask for..or if I just need to spill my guts and tell her everything..ugh I don’t know..i will see..my nervousness will prolly cause me to act fairly stupid for a while..

Hmm do I articulate well ??  D mentioned that to me today..she said that I do articulate and speak very well..and I of course started denying it and everything..but I don’t think it’s the first time ive been told this..i don’t remember clearly but I am almost certain I have been told that I speak well..i mean I just assume that I speak you know lol..nothing special..sometimes im told that I talk so proper..that I talk like im white has been told to me before too..just a random thing from today..

But did go and get nia today and the drive actually wasn’t very bad at all..kinda relaxing..and for a little while I was feeling so just okay with everything..i wasn’t worried or scared or anything..i was just enjoying my music and the drive and was at peace sorta..but got nia and we drove back..not a bad drive or anything ..certainly not stressful at all and we were back at my house before 6..so it was a success..im kind of excited that she is here…but well I have to remember that I need to stay in control of myself and no doing anything stupid..so that part of things is a little overwhelming but I will manage…

Hmm I think that is all…just needed to get out my thoughts about today..now back to working on paperwork..yep

Im sad i think

Maybe its just that i am feeling really tired right now and that i really dont want to be at work but i am feeling incredibly sad. Im feeling left out about the whole wedding thing but the triggers associated with that is still pretty bad. Im still working on the whole forgivness part of it and trying to understand and accept that i dont have to punish or hurt myself. That it is ok to feel hurt and sad and angry without needing to retailate against myself. Right now i think the whole thing is just scary still and im afraid to let go of the things that hurt me because i dont know who i am with out them. I knowbi shouldnt use negative things to define myself but who am i without them? Can i really truely stop feeling the need to destroy myself and die. Im trying to talk to linda and i think my feelings of rejection have been really bad this week and i was struggling a lot with feeling angry at everything. Im not angry today. Today i am just really tired and sad. I want to jyst go home and lay down. There is so much that i have to do at home to prepare for nia coming tomorrow and of course ive done nothing. I know i have to clean and what not but im always so tired and dont want to do anything and then i just lay down and sleep and waste lots of time. My time management skills are pretty bad..i think that i dont know how to express that i am hurting without actually hurting myself..i dont know how to tell someone that i need them and that i dont know how to say i need support without demanding hugs and attention..but then my need to withdraw and not ask for help gets in the way and i dont ask for anything and then im upset because i dont ask for what i need and i am upset because my needs arent being met and ive ended up overwhelming my director and not seeing my supervisor is really bothersome..and i miss her. I miss both of then and im still fighting the desire and need to have all of there attention and care and i dont want to have to share them with anyone else at all. I just want them and yes in my head i have created this family with just me and the two of them and i am happy and safe. The reality is that i cant have that and that is not how things can be and it makes me uoset and sad. I feel that it is unfair that i cant have them the way i want to have them. I just want to feel safe and heard and cared for. I dont have anyone to give me that on a regular basis and again in my head this need is a daily thing. Ive spent so long trying to ignire the fact that i needed again..and now i know the need. Its been identified and it refuses to be ignored. I have an appt next week to talk to the pastors wife. I dont know how it is going to go but i hope it goes ok and that i dont freak out or do anything stupid..i hope that i will be able to talk aboutt my fears and issues and how it relates to church and god and everything because there are issues on the whole religion subject. I will have to try not to spill my guts and overwhelm her. I will try. But i know that i do need to have a way to get the excess feelings and stuff out safely..and with my sister coming and staying for the next two weeks i will have to be in complete control all the time..and ill have to be social and talk and everything. I know it will be hard but i think ill just have to manage. So i guess there is just a lot going on right now. I never get a break any more from my head stuff..its a full time job just dealing with myself

more rambles

well today has been difficult in a lot of ways..just couldnt get it together this morning..really couldnt..and it took forever for me to finish my notes that i should have had in on freaking monday..but i just couldnt get it together ..finally got those in..but by the time i left the house i was so upset and angry at everything again..i didnt want to do it..i didnt want to be around anyone at all..and i was just so pissed off about not being able to get my work in on time again...so i ended up going to the office and my supervisor happened to be there..and i got my work stuff printed off and of course i was missing one of my notes..and this would have been the day that i didnt bring my computer with me..so i had to write another stupid note..and finally my supervisor asked me what was wrong and i told her nothing..and she said something had to be going on because i was being much quieter than usual ..cas once im in the office ..i start to just chat and what not ..but today i was pretty much silent..and so she told me that she was about to take a break and that i could come and sit with her for a bit cas thats what i wanted to do anyway..and i considered denying it...but no she was right..i did want to sit with her ..wanted a hug but didnt ask for one..so talked to her a little bit about a bunch of different things..some on forgiveness..both my supervisor and director are pushing for me to trust my therapist and what she is telling me..instead of wanting second and third opinions..they want me talking to her..cas i cant tell them everything and so its hard for them to offer help you know..gosh im trying hard to see their side of things..so we talked a little bit about forgiveness and stuff..and she told me that her time in the office may be stopping really soon and my anxiety started to go up again..and so we had another talk about my supervisors new agency and me working with her there..and well there is still the issue of me continuing to work on my own stuff before ill be able to go with her..so yeah.. left the office in a bit of a better mood..a little bit better..but my supervisor did mention that i didnt seem like myself today..that i was preoccupied ... i told her that i had been feeling really angry and stuff..and yeah.
went to work..and while working got a freakin ticket...oh that pissed me off royally..cas thats an expense that is so stupid and expensive..so that made me feel really awful and annoyed..and i did have a client in my car at the time so it was like ok calm down you know..no freaking out and what not...so took my ticket and moved on..
ended up going to the hair store with my client and decided on a new hair style...again one of those spur of the moment decisions..and it turned out really good..and i do like it a lot.. it turned out really nice..and its longer than the last time and its just brown with highlights..nothing colorful this time..and its just kinda cool .. did make me smile quite a bit this afternoon...and i got to see my adorable little 4 yr old.and got to hold him a little bit.
and then came home..am home now..and feeling a little bit better than this morning..tired and will most likely go to sleep soon..so yeah that was today..

thoughts, rambles, nothing positive at all

im not 100% sure what happened yesterday and what caused the day to be so awful and for us to feel so angry...thinking about it now..i can see how a lot of things prolly played into it...but i wasnt seeing that yesterday at all..yesterday i was just angry..upset..pissed off at everything and everyone and nothing was making it better..i was incredibly aloof with my client and i feel bad for that but i just wasnt in working mode at all and she was annoying me and yeah..i was just not fit to be around normal people yesterday..i finally called it quits and and came home after i left that client because i just wasnt sure if i would be able to deal with anything else..and i didnt..i came home and fell asleep and then woke up feeling a bit more clear headed and not as mad at the world..but still went back to sleep less than two hours later and slept almost all night..im feeling calmer now..but feeling a lot sad and quiet..

now for the list of things that could be contributing..mainly also so that ill remember next week when i see t
-what we talked about in therapy on tuesday..and just feeling triggered in general from that and the memories and all of that
-meds ( ive had to go back to the generic of effexor...and im not so sure that is going to work out)
-pressure from mommy to spend time with her on sunday..
-stressed about my sister coming and staying for 2 weeks (we do have fun with her..but she will be in my space for 2 weeks)
-general work and money stress
-wanting reassurance and comfort and not being able to get it...
-feeling badly that i am overwhelming my director with my stuff and being asked pretty much to back off (and i may be reading into it a bit more harshly than she meant for me to read into it..but still..the message is that boundaries need to be kept and that work trumps anything else) and that makes me feel like i am being really mean and unfair but i am upset and its hard to separate and pull back because of course there is no middle ground for me..its all or nothing..and so being told that you know there are somethings that she is not there for and cant talk to me about makes me feel a lot rejected and im not really sure how to deal with it..and so i dont want to be around her right now..for fear of doing or saying something really stupid and unprofessional..and i know i have to respect her wishes and back off ..but the way that plays out for us is well avoidance..and so i dont want to be in the office and i dont want to talk to her at all because im mad at her..but then the kids miss her and want her and its all just a confusing mess
-the never ending need to hurt..

ok i guess that is all i can think of for now..but i think thats a lot..my head is on overload big time right now..it really is and it is just hard to manage and get things done when i just want to stay at home and cry about the injustice of the world and how unfair my life is..and how my needs arent being met..and so i tried to reach out..i did try. to a lady that we had sorta deemed maybe safe from the church we are going to..and she did email me a little bit tuesday evening..but didnt email me yesterday to see about meeting and talking a little bit..and so my feelings of rejection just sky rocketed... and i know that i can be overwhelming..i do..but there is so much in my head and i dont know what to do with it..and the few ppl i do talk to cant handle it cas of the other relationships that i am supposed to have with them..like work stuff..and i dont mean to overwhelm them..i truly dont..but because i have then the need to pull back and shut them all out completely becomes what i think i need to do..and the problem with that is that if i do that then all of the things that get locked inside will come out in other ways..and none of them will be healthy ways at all...so i dont know what to do about it ..any of it right now..its like crap why cant i have therapy 50 times a week..i cant deal with myself on my own..and then hiding and isolating and being quiet and pretending is all that i do...i think im heading back for just survival mode...thats all i know how to do

scream scream scream

i am having a very bad no good rotten day.  i want to just scream at everyone to leave me alone and ii am tired and maybe that is causing me to be a little bit cranky..i dont know. but today is just not a good day at all.

anxious...

my anxiety is getting the best of me today and im worrying about everything ..worrying why i havent gotten an email from the pastors wife.  i want her to email me. maybe im just wanting someone to connect with. i want to know that someone cares that i exist and that i am here.  everything that went on yesterday has me feeling so scared and feeling very exposed. and just unsure of myself right now...im really tired right now..like sitting down and not even doing anything makes me feel like i could just go to sleep..and i just want to say screw it to everything else..i didnt sleep good last night..and i really do just want to sleep for a long time right now..i do..have i mentioned how tired i am..but im tired and worn down and just out of sorts..

a new day

im trying ..i am  trying really hard to keep myself safe..im so sad...so hurt..its not fair ..that i was blamed for things i didnt do..well i was blamed for the entire thing and it shouldnt have been like that..it makes me sad and afraid..and i am so tired...of all of it...

burned bridges

today...today has just been really hard..in so many ways...my head hurts..and i just want to lay down and pretend that i can block out the world for the rest of the day.  i cant deal with anything else today.  i dont want to think about anything else..i dont want to process anything else. i just want to feel safe..i think all that has happened today is beginning to catch up with me and its so draining..earlier today i really wanted to just go home and sleep after therapy.. i was physically tired after seeing t today. my body was tired, my mind was tired..talking today wore me out..and i was fighting tears in her office..

but i need to write it out..already im forgetting..but i want to try to write some of it out..

i told t about what i have been remembering..i told her why i felt it was my fault..way i should have stopped it..i told her what happened to the best of my ability..i told her how it was handled..and i tried not to cry when i told her about the things that happened afterwards..the way i was blamed and unable to defend myself..it was the first time ive ever told anyone about this particular thing..because it holds so much shame and guilt..and i feel so horrible about it..and i want to cry still and plead my innocence like i wasnt able to do when i was a kid and this all happened..i wanted to be told that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt want to hold on to it anymore...and in my fear i talked to her..and tried to stay present but my head hurt so so much..she did tell me it wasnt my fault..she heard me out..she told me that i was a victim in the situation and that she understood how my thinking about it came about..i wanted to say it wasnt my fault..but fear and blame held me back..i told her it was my fault..that everyone told me it was my fault..and there was no way for me to explain it or to defend myself or anything..i just took in all the blame and turned it around until i made it even worse and i punished myself for it..i still punsih myself for it... i think it made t sad though..to know how long ive been punishing myself for something that wasnt my fault..she asked me what i would need to forgive myself..what i would need to do..what i would need to happen..and i dont know.i dont know how to forgive or how to let go of the hurt..i dont know how to let go of all the blame and fear..and i want to say .. i want to tell someone that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt say no because i didnt know how ..i was afraid..and the age thing isnt the biggest factor ..because my body age was one thing but my mental age was a little different..i didnt know about boundaries and saying no..i didnt know that i didnt have to do what he wanted..i didnt have to let him do it..i dont want the blame anymore..its so tiring carrying around so much blame and guilt and it wasnt my fault..no matter what anyone else may think..it wasnt my fault .. i want so much to believe it.

its still so scary...we spent some time talking about forgiveness and things in t today..it was just a sad and hard session..admitting some things that happened..and struggling to get myself grounded after leaving..i went to work but it took a while to get myself to calm down and regroup..pretty tearful and all of that..am feeling ok right now..just really tired..and feeling confused a little bit..

did have a chat with my director today..and yep it was one of those 'of please dont do this' conversations..yuck..but pretty much it was that she couldnt be my counselor..and that i toeing the line with boundaries by wanting to talk to her so much and what i wanted to talk about..and so she mentioned dual relationships..and yeah..i started drifting then..i dont want her to go away..she told me that she cares..and that she supports me..but more or less that there are some things she will not talk with me about..and so pretty much i have to back off a bit.a lot..i have to back off a lot :(  but the problem with that is that i need to have someone i can talk to and see and just be with..who i feel safe with..and as i was talking to my director today she mentioned a couple ladies at the church who may be good to talk to and trust..both women i know sorta...both ppl that i think i could learn to trust..and well i emailed one laddy since she is like the pastors wife..and she is nice enough..and i swear i emailed her and she actually responded and that is scary..i dont think i expected her to respond to me..but she did..so i will have to see how it goes..and how i feel about it...i know that i cant have everything with my supervisor..i want everything but i cant have it..and so all of the feelings/needs/wants are going to have to go somewhere..its just so hard .. i feel so out of sorts with all of it..

so i am trying to take it easy i am..im not having such a good self esteem day/week..whatever..im afraid..worried you know..about things

my director also told me that she will not be at church this weekend..and she said it would be good if i still went..and that scares the heck out of me..go alone?!!?!  im freaking out a bit about it..worried...but due to my lack of feeling safe right now..i want to go..but going by myself and sitting by myself is scary...so yeah..not sure..

The only wealth is life... a facebook post I read this morning

The only wealth is life.

James Allen once said, “People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they’re unwilling to improve themselves; therefore, they remain bound.”  Now, if we want to have different circumstances, if we want to experience prosperity, loving relationships, peace, and joy inside, we’ve got to go inside and unbound ourselves and drop whatever is blocking our personal power. What I am talking about is the power of forgiveness.  
It isn’t always easy to forgive others because of what they did.  The ego makes a very strong case against them. And it builds up all of the reasons why they were so awful and why we’re going to resent them forever.  Did you know your ego will ruin your life?  And the world is filled with people who would rather be right than happy.  Some will go to their grave clinging to the idea that they would rather be right than happy, at least in their own mind.  Now is that what you want?
There’s a beautiful old saying that the only wealth is life.  Sometimes it seems that only animals know we’re actually here to be happy.  So let’s please think about releasing old baggage. Let’s let go of the past. And I know that sometimes people do things that seem terrible and totally unacceptable.  There are some incredible things that go on in our society, cruelty and thoughtlessness, and I’m not suggesting it’s easy.  I’m saying it’s necessary if we want to be happy and empowered people.  We clean up the past because an unfinished past leads to an unfinished future.
Many people have been through the long dark night of the soul.  Have you known some dark moments?  There’s a beautiful Chinese proverb that says, “Don’t curse the darkness.  Light a candle.”  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and reach out to that other person?  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and forgive?  It takes a lot of courage to do it.  It’s an incredible gift we give to ourselves because it releases our personal power and it literally sets us free.
Dale Carnegie once said, “If half a century of living has taught me anything at all, it’s taught me that nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”  There’s no peace in the world.  There’s no peace that just “fixes” people.  It’s tough to change. It’s especially tough to change dramatically.  People are creatures of habit at a very deep level.  Peace is inside of us, and as we create peace inside of us in a very beautiful way, our life becomes peaceful and love and support comes back to us.  I can not explain how it happens but I’ve experienced it, and I’ve seen it lives of other people.  We release all that beautiful, powerful living when we forgive.
Charles Dickens once said, “We forge the chains we wear in life.”  And if you want to let go of your chains, then you want to let go of your judgments and your anger and your resentments.  Regardless of what others did, it’s too expensive to you.
There are no solutions in the outer world, only inside of us.  I have found that acts of forgiveness and the act of dropping the judgments and the blames and the anger is simply life-changing.  And I do it along the way whenever it becomes necessary.
A.J. Muste once said, “There is no way to peace.  Peace is the way.”  Let’s go out there and let’s do whatever it takes to be at peace so that we can release our personal power and have the wonderful and glorious lives we so richly deserve.
By Dr. Michael Wickett 

what is wrong with me ??

something is wrong...something is bothering me...im upset and sad and confused and i dont know what i want to do to myself..i want to hurt and cry and scream and yell and just run away..im so so overwhelmed right now..and im just struggling..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want..i do know what i want..i want attention..i want someone to pay attention to me..i want to know what im cared for..loved..im feeling alone..no im feeling bad aboout myself..

i dont know what i want to do..i dont seem to know a lot today..im feeling very sad and quiet and upset...

i was thinking this morning that my family is ashamed of me..and my problems..im the screw up..im the one that cant deal wit hthings and so i just slip through and no one really notices..no one can know about my issues or anything like that..dont talk about it..dont bring it up..hide the scars..no one can know just how messed up i am..and so maybe im not messed up..maybe this is all just some stupid game and im perfectly sane and there is nothing wrong with me..and somehow this is all just so very wrong..mommy is pushing for us to have a family get together this weekend...on sunday...the problem is i dont want to see her..i dont want to be around her..im afraid that i will see her and that she will just point out everything that is wrong with me..tell me how much i need to fix about myself..demand to see what ive done to myself..she will kill me if she finds out im cutting again...wth :(

i wondered yesterday during the class im taking what was wrong with me...am i not screwed up enough to need help? to need support??  i havent been in and out of hospitals..i havent tried to really kill myself..maybe i am not sick ?? i am not crazy?  i dont fit in anywhere..im not crazy enough to need the hospital..im not crazy enough to be in crisis all the time..im not anything.. im just broken and lost and nothing..absolutely nothing ..

what do i have to do to prove i need help?  to prove that there is something wrong with me ?

todays thoughts

Its monday and well there is just a lot going on i guess. I dont want to go back to cutting. I really dont but i am feeling the need more and more and it sucks. I cut yesterday. The end to a very low self esteem week. I tried not to. All week i tried not to do it and it sucks a bit thay i still gave in. I showed my director

frustrated extreme

i worded that so badly..but i am feeling really frustrated right now and it is really all my fault but it is so frustrating all the same..and i knew my hours were kinda suckish..but yeah it took getting paid today to realize just HOW freaking suckish..and it is just disheartening big time to know that its gonna be a hard month money wise...crap crap crap..and its just been hard with getting to see ppl and not feeling good and struggling just in general you know..and so my hours went way way way down at work..and well now im paying for it..and its just frustrating me..more so now because its the first you know and well rent has to be paid and all of that..and that makes me more upset because rent will take my whole check pretty much..and so i am just feeling stressed right now..and trying to figure out what i can and cant pay you know...and i have to go and get my meds today because my mood is taking a major beating..and there are things i need to do..and stuff i need for the house..and like groceries..ugh..so yeah a hard couple weeks...and then my sister is coming at the end of next week..and im like great so how exactly am i supposed to have the money to go and get her on top of everything else..and so im trying hard not to freak out horribly about it..but its just bad timing you know..and i do need to get the car ppl off my back..but --ok breathe--  im trying to tell myself that its going to be ok and that its going to work but but i am just worried and freaked right now....big time..and so all the stuff i did want to do is on hold still..and there are a couple things i ahve to get before my sister comes..and the rest will just have to wait..thankfully my hours will go up again next week..but still that will be like a check and a half away..ugh..ok..it will be ok..

hmm other stuff going on?!?! oh i dont know..im to pissed off right now to think about anything else..but there were other things going on..crap..umm..yeah its just been a pretty low week mood wise..and maybe its partially to do with not having all of the wellbutrion..so gonna need her to increase that one the next time i see her..but im going to get it today..i am..

tonight is the dessert thing..and im excited about making the dessert and bringing it..but nervous all the same..because it is a group type thing and im not sure how many ppl will be there..and all of that..and i was talking with my director a little bit about it yesterday but im not sure it was really helpful lol...and im glad heather is coming tonight too..but still im feeling really nervous ...

ve been wanting to cut alot this week..in the evenings its the worst ... and ive tried everything to not give in..but at the same time i want to do it...yesterday i was thinking about how much it is that i just want attention this week..like major amounts of attention and i realize that because ive been feeling so badly about myself this week that i am needing to have other people sorta step in and tell me that im ok..that things are going to be ok..and its hard because im not getting that..and im not able to kinda give myself a pep talk i guess..and so it is just frustrating and sad because i am feeling so badly and i dont have anyone to make me feel better and i dont know how to get what i want without resorting to cutting..because well if i cut and then go and tell my supervisor then i know i will get her concern and her attention and all of that..and thats all i want..i dont know..it doesnt seem fair i guess..that this is what i think about .. ive done the coping stuff..used all the coping skills i have that dont result in me hurting myself..but i want to hurt myself..and all week i am just questioning whether or not i matter..or if i am important..or if i am worth anything at all..and its hard because i just want to say no to all of it..and i have to really work to even get to a place where i am able to tolerate myself right now :( hmm so with the coping skills stuff..i tried meditation the other night..a relaxation type thing..and well i seriously relaxed myself right to sleep..like it was a deep breathing type thing and like the calming sounds and stuff..and it was a guided one..and i wasnt getting the breathing right at all..i was breathing way to fast for it to be relaxing but i tried..and i think at some point i just kinda went from following the instructions to being sleep..i think i realized when it went off but i was more asleep than awake and so i just slept for like 3 hours or so..and then i got up around midnight wondering what in the heck happened..and then i went back to bed....so i guess it helped in that i didnt cut..and then last night i was talking with a friend about things..and i realize that sometimes i just want to talk about cutting..i want to think about it ..and wonder about it and just like talk about the subject without being afraid or censored..because whether i talk about it or not the feelings are there..and not talking about it hasnt made it stop..so what harm could talking about it do...i think it was helpful..talking about it..it sorta brought all the thoughts to the surface but i was able to work through them..and well i didnt cut.so yeah..my thoughts are still rather confused though on the subject..i mean i was doing really well you know...so so good and hadnt done it in over a year..and then in the past month ive done it twice..and suddenly its like oh yeah it does help..so why do i have to stop again??  why is it so important to not do it? i should matter enough to myself not to do it..but i dont..and there is an event coming up that is just triggering the mess out of me ..and im feeling very bad about myself for what happened..and all of that..and i dont know...i am scared...worried really..and i dont know...

but i gotta go i guess..time to drag myself out to work...but a short day today because i have to make a whole cake tonight before 6 and then i have to get dressed and everything..and so yeah cant stay out all day with work cas other wise i will be upset and even more stressed out this evening...so yeah...i better get going...

not great

having a very low self esteem week :(   wanting to hurt..wanting reassurance..wanting support and comfort and understanding..and all i have is myself and i dont want me..yeah that whole giving in to what i want to do seems better and better because im just sad and out of sorts..the evenings this week are hard...im struggling...

such is life...

backsliding...who am i trying to convince?

the feelings are incredibly conflicted on that issue and its so hard figuring out how to feel about it...if it was anyone else i would tell them to get help..to stop..to talk about it ..or something...but with me..it doesnt matter you know..i want to hurt.i dont care about hurting myself..it doesnt matter..i dont matter..and that makes it ok..but i know its not ok..i know it hurts..but im still convincing myself other wise..im still trying to keep making it ok..so that i dont have to stop..but what will happen when there is no where else for me to cut? or i manage to kill myself..and i try so hard to convince other people that i am fine..that i can control..and i dont understand there worry..i dont understand why it is that they are concerned and hurting for me.when i dont even care? why do they have to care?? why cant they just let go be in my own little world and not matter?

t was very confusing today.. we talked some about the cutting..and some about eye contact and all of that..but the running theme seemed to be that a lot of what i believe now is based on what i believed as a child..and that the problem is that im not a child anymore..and so the beliefs dont work as well in my adult life and that they are getting in the way of things...and as much as that makes sense..hearing it makes me want to hang on so very tightly to the beliefs anyway..and i know a lot of them dont make sense..i do ..but still they happen so automatically that im not really thinking about it so much as its happening..and i just seem odd and weird and well yeah you get the picture..but i dont know how to let go of the beliefs ..and i dont see how they can work as an adult..but i still cling to them big time..im supposed to be figuring out and identifying i guess what some of them are..and how it is that they dont work so well from an adults perspective..and ive been thinking about it all day and im just not sure .. having to look at them and see and understand how they may have worked before but dont work so much makes me feel stupid

stupid pollen

haha my appts today are over and done with..really...well my two appts for the doc i got done this morning so that saved me a whole bunch of time and effort..and i got my bc refilled also so that worked out..and now my lab work will be sent to the other doc and im guessing ill be expecting a call to set my other appts by th end of the week...its scary though knowing that i am going to be having issues with my feet and what not and not able to really walk for a couple days..i hope like heck i get good pain meds ..cas im a sucky patient..i am..and ill completely admit that..but yeah when im being a dork and in pain and not able to do anything i dont know..choosing not to do something and just flat out not doing it are not the same thing at all..essh..but i am a bit worried about that..but at least i did finally get the darn tests done so that they can be faxed over..

and the pollen is not my friend at all today..my head is so stuffed up..and just walking outside made me feel like i couldnt breathe right ..and its craptasticly windy today...yuck yuck double yuck..and im so so upset becuase pollen is all over my car..the weirdest things sometimes gets me feeling tearful and i swear this happens every year..but im just upset that my car is covered in pollen and that pollen is inside my car and i dont even want to touch my car right now..and its a waste to try to clean it cas it will just come back..and so yeah its majorly bothersome and i feel not so great at all...my sinuses are draining..and ill just leave it at that lol..i wont go into the whole hacking and coughing and trying to clear the grossness out of my throat..yep yuck

so im at work and trying to work on work stuff so i can turn it in and go home and go to bed...that is so my plan for the evening..yep ..

something else....im not sure

today it was a little bit chilly..and so i put on my light jacket..no biggie right..but i guess i was feeling overly scared and nervous about the shirt i had on and wanted to keep my arms covered...but so i went into church with my jacket on and it just so happens that the sleeves kinda hang over my hands..and i found jessica and everything and went and sat with her..but one of the ushers came and asked me about getting the little offering envelopes ..and i got one but because i still had on my jacket my hand was partially covered as i was reaching..to me it wasnt a big deal..didnt really think much of it you know..but i also noticed that my director was looking at my sleeves..and again it was one of those things that i just happened to notice as it was happening and when it was over  you know it kinda just left my mind...but a couple mintues later my directors takes my hand that is closet to her and starts to fold back my sleves..like you know how a parent would do if something was to long type thing..and so again my head just sorta hadnt caught up with what was happening..and i knew she was folding my sleeves up to a normal level..and i immediately moved to pull them back down..and my director turned my hand over and pushed my sleeve up to see my wrist...and as it was happening i was still a bit slow and kinda wasnt getting what she was doing..but then it all kinda caught up with me and i did pull my hand away..and pulled my sleeves back down...and i felt silly..and i wanted to tell her that she could have just asked if she wanted to know if i had cut ..but well of course i didnt bother to share that she completely checked the wrong arm...i rarely cut my right arm...i mostly stick to my left arm anyway..but she didnt look at that one..she looked at my right wrist and of course there was nothing there...and i mean i havent cut in a couple weeks..but i still hate that in my nervousness the need to cut becomes more overwhelming..ugh..but anyway..ive been thinking about it all day..what happened..and im just not sure how i feel about it..i trust my director..i do .. i prolly would have eventually told her if i had..but its been so long since someone has checked me..but she didnt do it in an invasive way..not like mommy tried to do..and did do on more than one occasion...but with jessica its a bit different..and i think it made me feel like i mattered just a little bit to someone..but i think that because i was having a i hate me day..i was a little bothered by the whole thing..but again its different than the upsetness that i would have felt if it had been mommy..i dont know..its a little bit confusing..and im just not sure what i think about it..maybe i will ask her about it tomorrow when i see her ...

and i guess ill go ahead and write about the rest of it...today one of the first things the pastor said was that he didnt want anyone to leave without having their needs met ..and of course my mind instantly goes to how i cant have my needs met..and how unfair it is that i cant have them met..and my jealously started to go up big time during the whole prayer part again..because this time jessica was a part of it..like the praying for people part..and i was once again so incredibly jealous..i couldnt watch all of it today..because i was just upset that once again i couldnt have what i wanted..and i was just getting upset and so i sat down and just tried to deal...i was fidgeting a bit..a lot..and i just really wanted jessica..and there is one other person that i want..but im still trying to figure out the other lady..i watch her a lot though..and i swear im not a stalker..but i have to watch her..i have to figure out how she is..i mean gosh darn i worked for both jessica and kathy for over a year before things sorta changed...and it was longer for jessica than kathy..but change they have...but these are new people..and i think that the more i go..the more i am wanting to believe that i can be safe there..but again that takes a while..and i have to be sure..absolutely sure...i did sorta ask jessica for a hug today..but i didnt ask anyone else and still managed to get hugs..maybe i just go to church for the hugs..although if anyone was watching me..it would be pretty obvious that its not often that i hug a guy..mostly women and i dont go looking for hugs..i guess it looks like im ignoring everyone ..when all i want is freakin hugs..i think i am just confused today..about everything...

what is the difference???

so today.. i was being introduced to so many different people..some i had already met before but thanks to me and my suckish memory i didnt know anyones name anyway..but all the same i was being introduced (to my absolute horror)..but my inability to say no to certain people was kicking in and so jessica introduced me and i tried my best to not completely disregard the people i was meeting...but again as i do when im scared or nervous..i couldnt look directly at anyone..i was just afraid and nervous..and i mean my mood was decent today which is prolly why i was smiling more than not doing anything ..but i really wasnt looking at anyone..shaking hands yep...saying i was fine yep, being polite of course..but the eye contact was bad..very bad..and maybe its just that i was afraid..maybe i was just uncomfortable..i dont know..i was something..and one lady i was introduced to asked if i was shy..due to how i was acting most likely..and i just said yes..there is no need to say oh well im really afraid of all of you and am not good with small talk and am easily afraid..i just agreed that i was shy and left it at that...im not as concerned that jessica knows that its a bit more than just being shy..but no need to share all of that with anyone else...  but now im thinking a little more about it..and i really am wondering what it is..am i shy?  or am i afraid?  before..well when i was younger you know..i just assumed i was shy..that i was uncomfortable talking and being around people that i am not used too..no one really made a big deal about it..i was around but i was invisible in a lot of cases..i was there but because i was so quiet..i was over looked a lot...no one noticed me or talked to me..and so i just spent a lot of time watching..and listening..and well being in my head i guess...but again no one really paid any mind to me i guess..unless i was in trouble for something...but i guess it was after i left home for college that the thoughts on being shy kinda started to change...my anxiety in social situations became a bigger issue..because i wasnt as safe and im on my own sorta..and so i avoided social situations as much as possible.. but some things i couldnt avoid and so i think things just got worse instead of better...because i didnt know how to make the social stuff better..and i got scared so much so easily..and there was not anyone teaching me any new skills at all..and so i became even more introverted...more paranoid..just well more everything...and so i skip ahead to know..and things are just sorta getting to a middle ground..and i say that tentatively...because i am still very uncomfortable in social situations..my eye contact is fairly bad..ok really bad..but i do talk when i have to..but i still avoid social stuff like a plague..but well jessica is intent of helping me socialize..and they will call me out on the not looking at them..her and kathy will...and well linda does every so often...  but still i think i struggle the most with the eye contact...if i dont feel like im being watched then i have an easier time with looking at someone else..or if im in a group setting and i am not being 'watched' then i may be a little more comfortable...but still i have a hard time with it all..i dont know..

it just scares me..being social..sharing..talking about myself..its so uncomfortable for me..i wonder what anyone wants to know about me for..i wonder why ppl are talking to me..my need to be accepted and to fit in is at war with my need to hide to be invisible to not attract any attention at all..im afraid of attention..to many bad things happen when i have someones attention...i have a hard time trusting them..i have a hard time trusting there intents... i worry about what is wanted from me... and i dont like not knowing what is wanted of me..

hard hard morning...

today i am just struggling with being in my own skin...i dont know why but its just im not liking much about myself today and im not comfortable with myself..and i dont know what i want to do..im just feeling frustrated i think and its coming out as me just being harder on myself today...

yesterday i was fairly sickish and spent the day in bed...today i woke up and had a horrible headache again and just wanted to stay in bed..but at the same time i wanted to go to church sorta..i think i really just wanted to see jessica..heh..but i wasnt sure you know..i wasnt feeling good.i didnt want to go outside..i was upset and annoyed that i couldnt find what i wanted to wear and just ugh...but i did go...and  i guess im happy i went..im not completely sure yet.. i wanted something but i cant identify what it is...i didnt feel like myself you know..it was sorta like i was just full of nervous energy..i was more attentive and less afraid of things today...i was calmer today than i have been at any other time ive been there...and i was anxious i think to hear the service because i wanted to see if it was going to be about me again..but i thought it wasnt you know...i was listening and all of that but of course as it got going it gradually moved into things that i wasnt as comfortable with..and i was just getting so upset..because the topic became about love and support and all of that..and with my mood today it just wasnt getting through to me..and so i ended up feeling more upset leaving than i did when i got there..and again it was just my head stuff getting in the way of things..it was..but i just felt like i wanted to say so so much but i couldnt get it out.i didnt know what to say..i didnt know how to say it..i didnt know how to identify what it is that i am wanting right now..i go to church and yes it is very overwhelming that i am sorta recognized..and its all i can do not to like sink into the floor or something in terror...i dont know what to say to ppl..but gosh darn if ppl dont remember my name and i cant remember any of theres..ugh..but i keep going and i keep listening and i want to be included so much..but that again would be like admitting that i need something ..that i have to let go to even accept whatever it is that im wanting...but i want something..i want to feel safe ..and i think i could feel safe maybe..im just not sure.. but i was with jessica and she did give me a hug..and we talked about the dessert thingy for friday night some..and a little about the retreat...i still want to go but im afraid of going by myself ..that would be a really big big thing..heather has some of her own stuff going on and so if i go i think i would have to go by my self..but that is so scary..and so uncomfortable..but heck its prolly a good thing that its still a couple months away..i have time to get used to the idea of going...im never going to be able to do anything by myself if i dont start somewhere..but still its highly very anxiety producing...and well its done with for now..on friday i think ill ask more questions about it.the retreat and find out more about signing up and paying and all of that..and finding out if illl have to actually do the single room or room with someone else..one person would be ok..but im not so sure about being with more than one other person...i dont know..but at least i can ask questions right!??  well thats the plan anyway lol..

so church is over and done with and im at home now.a little headachy and tired..but no worse for the wear i guess...i have so much work to do..cas of course i completely forgot that today is the 25th which means that monthlies/quarterlies are due in addition to the reg notes...blah..so gotta get to work on those because i have the class thing tomorrow and a couple doc appts..and then also going into the office tomorrow..cas i asked jessica to chat with me tomorrow...so tomorrow will be a lot of time out of the house...and its gonna be a long day i think..so gotta do some work today...