thoughts, rambles, nothing positive at all

im not 100% sure what happened yesterday and what caused the day to be so awful and for us to feel so angry...thinking about it now..i can see how a lot of things prolly played into it...but i wasnt seeing that yesterday at all..yesterday i was just angry..upset..pissed off at everything and everyone and nothing was making it better..i was incredibly aloof with my client and i feel bad for that but i just wasnt in working mode at all and she was annoying me and yeah..i was just not fit to be around normal people yesterday..i finally called it quits and and came home after i left that client because i just wasnt sure if i would be able to deal with anything else..and i didnt..i came home and fell asleep and then woke up feeling a bit more clear headed and not as mad at the world..but still went back to sleep less than two hours later and slept almost all night..im feeling calmer now..but feeling a lot sad and quiet..

now for the list of things that could be contributing..mainly also so that ill remember next week when i see t
-what we talked about in therapy on tuesday..and just feeling triggered in general from that and the memories and all of that
-meds ( ive had to go back to the generic of effexor...and im not so sure that is going to work out)
-pressure from mommy to spend time with her on sunday..
-stressed about my sister coming and staying for 2 weeks (we do have fun with her..but she will be in my space for 2 weeks)
-general work and money stress
-wanting reassurance and comfort and not being able to get it...
-feeling badly that i am overwhelming my director with my stuff and being asked pretty much to back off (and i may be reading into it a bit more harshly than she meant for me to read into it..but still..the message is that boundaries need to be kept and that work trumps anything else) and that makes me feel like i am being really mean and unfair but i am upset and its hard to separate and pull back because of course there is no middle ground for me..its all or nothing..and so being told that you know there are somethings that she is not there for and cant talk to me about makes me feel a lot rejected and im not really sure how to deal with it..and so i dont want to be around her right now..for fear of doing or saying something really stupid and unprofessional..and i know i have to respect her wishes and back off ..but the way that plays out for us is well avoidance..and so i dont want to be in the office and i dont want to talk to her at all because im mad at her..but then the kids miss her and want her and its all just a confusing mess
-the never ending need to hurt..

ok i guess that is all i can think of for now..but i think thats a lot..my head is on overload big time right now..it really is and it is just hard to manage and get things done when i just want to stay at home and cry about the injustice of the world and how unfair my life is..and how my needs arent being met..and so i tried to reach out..i did try. to a lady that we had sorta deemed maybe safe from the church we are going to..and she did email me a little bit tuesday evening..but didnt email me yesterday to see about meeting and talking a little bit..and so my feelings of rejection just sky rocketed... and i know that i can be overwhelming..i do..but there is so much in my head and i dont know what to do with it..and the few ppl i do talk to cant handle it cas of the other relationships that i am supposed to have with them..like work stuff..and i dont mean to overwhelm them..i truly dont..but because i have then the need to pull back and shut them all out completely becomes what i think i need to do..and the problem with that is that if i do that then all of the things that get locked inside will come out in other ways..and none of them will be healthy ways at all...so i dont know what to do about it ..any of it right now..its like crap why cant i have therapy 50 times a week..i cant deal with myself on my own..and then hiding and isolating and being quiet and pretending is all that i do...i think im heading back for just survival mode...thats all i know how to do