still frustrated

im frustrated...i feel frustrated and just unsure...i have a headache and just want to lay down and not think anymore ..but i keep thinking because i just dont know what to do..i dont know if im just frustrated at myself or at my jobs or at the world...i cant tell anymore...and im trying to figure it out and i just keep going on and on and on..

as things become stable..the more unstable things get...

and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...

but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that
me

where do i go from here?

well i have moved...for the most part i have moved..there is still some cleaning and small things that i need to take over to the storage place this week..and then it will be over and done with..and then ill be able to focus on paying off that rent and the other bills and paying mommy back..cas well now that i dont have rent she is expecting to get the money she loaned me back..and im not even sure really how much it was :(  my fault for not keeping track better..but its upwards of $1000 i think...she paid my rent twice..and umm my car note and phone bill a couple times..so yeah i owe her quite a bit of money and she as already said that by mid nov she wants some of it back..and shes already told me that it needs to be a fair amount and not a little bit...so yeah..i know im going to need to sit down and figure out what i will be able to pay and what i cant..cas im just sick of bills and being behind with everything...i am..it frustrates me horribly...so that is going to get worked out asap...and then saving and all of that for the holidays and everything...so yeah..guess ill just have to see how it goes...

work stuff will be busy this week..but i am getting to go to the pumpkin patch on wed..which i am looking forward to actually..and heather and her husband invited to this halloween get together on saturday..i guess i have really gotten out of habit with being around other people and living with someone else...ive been used to my own space and my own messiness..and just being alone and struggling..and now that im in a house with 2 other people..i feel lost and confused..because im stuck in 'good behavior' mode..and im trying to stay out of the way..but at the same time its feels like i am hiding and isolating..and its just that its new and different and im unsure of things..and so i end up being really quiet..and kind of aloof i guess..and i dont want them to think im not grateful..because i am..im just trying to get used to everything and being in a new area is fairly nerve wrecking for me...but im trying...i think..i hope..

but now that the moving is done i have to start paying attention to work again..and getting stuff in on time and all of that...ugh...not fun...not fun at all ...blah

maybe ill just lay down for a little while and then get up and do work stuff...

moving

i really almost cant believe im moving today...im scared ..worrried..things are changing and i keep saying it will be ok and that this is a good thing..and it will be ok and that its just short term.but still im scared some...but i gotta go and try to pack some more

im just tired

how is it that the one day ..the one week i need for work stuff to be ok...its all emergencies and crisis and i need i need i need from everyone possible please tell me how my clients keep increasing and my time is dwindling..and im frustrated to all heck with everyone else and their issues...i have my own issues to deal with too ok...im not some super hero and my life and my time is just soley dedicated to my clients and there stuff... sunday is turning into a work day..and tomorrow will not be a complete day off..and its like crap..ive worked every day this week and done all sorts of things to do with moving..and still i end up slacking on the moving stuff and having to put more and more time to work..and i keep trying to say no i cant do it..and it doesnt happen and so my time keeps getting taken away from me.. and its hard you know..im tired..and its all just wearing me out.big time..and i just want a break...but i dont know how to take a break right...im obssessing about money and bills and needing to get as many hours as i can..and i try hard to keep at least an hour for t and not let anything get scheduled in its place..but right now its like maybe i need to rethink that..maybe i need to just give up on having time to my self..and just give all of my time to work and running around and meeting everyone elses needs and not my own i try and keep trying so hard to make it all work..and at the same time i have to realize that this wont work forever..but right now i dont have the security with either of my jobs..and one does not outweigh the other..and im trying to hang on to both of them until i have to really pick one or the other...until i know for sure what will happen ...because in the end i have to get the job with the insurance...or else i need to find one with insurance...ugh..its all just hard and confusing..and im just tired...

and then i wonder why i cant manage to focus and pack..by the time i get home i dont want to think about packing..i just want to lay down and go to sleep...but i look at all i have yet to do and i feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.

and i just dont want to do anything at all...

i panicked...

i dont know what i was thinking...i panicked big time today..well this evening..in tears..freaking out..falling apart..the whole nine yards..i was not ok..and well it happened because of moving..because suddenly things are not ideas anymore ..they are happening..and i have to manage to get it together to pack and move by saturday..

guess how many boxes i have?  guess how much i have actually packed?  how much i have gotten done?? or started??
 NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...

im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..

suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...

im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...



and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my  'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...

i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..

deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...

no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...

somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(

med issues

i dont know what to do about the current meds..im not sure they are helping but i dont know what else to ask for

i mean this past week ive been tired..and i thought it was the depression you know..i know being depressed can sap your energy big time..and yeah ive been depressed a lot..and so literally all i was doing was going to work and coming home..and spending a little time online..and then just going to bed..a few mornings i over slept..then i struggled to get up and moving and get out of the house...and then yesterday..i really just pretty much slept all day..something that i never ever do...and well i guess i was feeling super depressed yesterday..i dont know...maybe i cant even tell when im depressed anymore because i just stay depressed...but today..i didnt nap at all..i tried a couple times though ..and really had to force the no going to sleep rule today...but all i think about is sleeping..and all i want to do is sleep..and maybe thats making it a little more extreme than it is..but really i seem to only last a couple hours..and then i spend the next ten hours yawning or something..and i feel like i have no energy..and i realize it can be a lot of different things playing into it..i mean no im not eating the healthiest..and now im prolly not taking the best care of myself...but i think the depression makes it all worse..and i dont know..i mean no the meds arent going to fix things..but darnit i would hope the meds would give me a fighting chance at least..and nothing is making things better or more manageable or anything...and im just frustrated with all of it and not sure anymore what i want or need to ask the pdoc about...

currently i have 3 meds...im not sure if i need the trazodone stopped cas of feeling so tired...i dont know if i want to ask for the effexor to go higher so that i can feel saner..and im not even sure what the celexa is doing...i dont know if i should ask to try something different..or if there is anything that will help me focus and feel motivated and all of that..i dont know if i need to ask for the ones im on to go higher..or if i need to consider stopping them..and letting pdoc figure out something else..i just dont know..and i see pdoc on tuesday to talk about the meds and all that..and id rather not have another talk about hospitals and such..and so that means telling her whats going on..and im not sure whats going on..im just tired and sad all the time..thats all..i guess the sui feelings are a bit less..i dont remember if ive written about it any this past week..hmm no i think there were couple days..but not as bad as it was the week before..so no i dont know what to do about it at all ..i was thinking well maybe it would be best to just work out the effexor and increase it cas it helps the most i think..but if the effexor is the one that is making me more and more tired then well increasing it wont do anything but knock me out..which may or may not be a good thing.. havent decided on that yet..but i would rather that was increased i guess over increasing any of the other ones...or maybe i just need to try a different anti depressant..

ugh..i feel like all im doing is just repeating myself over and over and over..and not getting anywhere...

so i guess its just going to be meds..and heading to bed..

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

.....

i think all ive done is sleep today...

really..woke up at like 7:30...ended up sleep again by 11:30...up again at five...and just took meds again for going back to sleep..

im not thinking..or doing anything at all except watching the hours go by until i can go back to sleep..i dont want to have to think anymore..my head hurts..and when im awake all i think about is how messed up everything is..and how hard everything ..and how much everything how much everything is just messed and depressing and not ok...im tired you know..im really tired everything is a mess and i cant fix any of it

things are changing a lot...

well things are changing ... im moving..well im moving with a frriend..which will be happening the weekend of the 23rd...will be staying there for 3 months...going to try to keep it to three months and then you know find my own place to live...again...i just need some time to regroup..and get things in order...and save up a bit...before trying again on my own..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..

have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...

just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..

im tired..thats all

life sucks and then you die

i think that there just are not enough words to describe how awful today was...

work stuff frustrated me to tears..
got a ticket ..and then i was in tears..
late for everything under the sun today
tired and depressed
saw t today and well she told me i was clincally depressed ..and that moving in with heather is a good idea..
she says im managing when i just feel like im falling apart...
i just want to go to bed..and sleep forever..

i guess it has reached the end...

i forgot that mommy mentioned me moving home today :(  told me that it was an option ...worked so hard to get away..just to have to look at moving home again..this wasnt supposed to happen..it really wasnt.

theres really nothing to say....

i got a call today about my check for this week...i wont be getting it..i wont get paid until the 29th of the month...3 full weeks away..what am i supposed to do about money?! what am i supposed to do about anything ??  im at the end of my rope .. im upset and frustrated and the negative thoughts are extreme right now..i just want to go to bed..i dont want to work ..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to do anything right now..i just want to sleep cas that will stop me from doing anything bad..i just want to hurt..to destroy something..and im all that i have..im going to go and try to stay busy..but i dont care..im just tired of all of this..so very very tired...and dejected...and things just keep messing up..things keep screwing up..and i cant deal..i just cant..

....i dont know anymore

i dont know what to do..move..or not to move..stay with a friend...travel back and forth to work..ugh..i just cant catch a break..i cant get ahead..im frustrated and tired and hopeless about all of it..i am :(  i dont want to keep doing this...looking and hoping for things to work out..i just want to give up and go hide and just call it quits and not have to struggle anymore..i cant do this...ive failed..and i guess thats all there is to say..

blah

still struggling..still feeling hopeless...but trying to keep going and keep working and doing what i need to do..

just need to write...

my head is still trying to understand and accept all that has happened today...im not sure really if im happy or upset or calmer or anything really..im just back to being neutral..for now anyway..throughout the day that has changed a lot and ive tried hard to focus and get things done..i mean im still feeling utterly unmotivated..and everything..but at the same time im a little bit calmer than i have been the past few days...

so i guess ill start at the beginning of the day and just go from there...

i saw pdoc this morning..and well the biggest result is that i am having my meds increased..and it will take me back to where i was before with the effexor kinda..im still taking it twice a day but at a higher dose..which is fine with me...i figured that today wasnt the day to try and convince my pdoc that i wanted serious drugs..cas well she wouldnt have been to happy with me...in general i dont think she was to happy with me..but umm yeah...i mentioned being suicidal and it was like everything stopped and i just had to talk about that..i tried to mess around and beat around the bush and she told me to stop because i knew exactly what she was talking about..and she was right..and i didnt like that she was right...i didnt like that the hospital came up in the conversation..i dont like that i told the truth and it ended up being a conversation about the hospital...im terrified of the hospital ..and at the same time i know i want a break..from everything..from life..from working..from stress..and im afraid that if i go to the hospital ill just want to stay and that cant happen..i have to much life stuff to deal with and going into the hospital would ruin everything..i dont need ppl feeling sorry for me..or treating me like im going to break..and so i just keep forcing myself to keep going and to keep struggling through this mess that i have to call my life...and i force myself to believe that the hospital is not an option..that i have to deal with all that is going on ..and when i cant i end up feeling completely hopeless and stuck and even more suicidal..and it seems like it just keeps happening and i get so tired of trying and fighting to deal with my own life..so i guess long story short i wasnt to happy with the dr today...if i hadnt had to be in control so much im would have called her a meany head and started pouting...but yeah that didnt happen..and so i just got quiet and tried to focus and pay attention..but i didnt like the conversation and i was trying hard to ignore what she was saying..and thinking up ways to get out of ever being forced into the hospital..but i was really anxious when i left her..and i had to stick around for therapy..so i went and hung out in my car..and caught up on some work phone calls and everything..and got myself together in some form or fashion and went back in for therapy..but i think the depression/sad feelings where to much to deal with by then and i couldnt figure out how to be happy..and i think linda figured out something was up...but i really truly wasnt happy or anything at the time...and so i talked to linda about all of it...i really did let her know i was struggling and all that was going on..and what was happening and i did talk to her..and i guess i didnt like that i was talking because then it was just leaving me feeling more and more depressed and sad and frustrated...we talked about how my pride is getting in the way ..and that i need to use my resources and get help with the financal stuff and all of that..and she told me not to give up..and to work on one thing at a time...and well she told me that she would be really pissed off with me if i killed myself..cas we were having the conversation about cutting and if she would be mad at me..and well i told her that no one cared about me..and she told me i was wrong..and that there were a lot of people who cared about me...but i told her i would work on not giving up..and currently im not suicidal or anything..im very depressed but not thinking about dying...but depressed..i want to go to bed...all i do lately is sleep or spend time doing things i dont remember on the computer or watching movies...i told linda to that i was to unmotivated to kill myself and that i did sorta have a plan..the thoughts are worse now..they are..and im trying you know to keep fighting them..but then i end up feeling so hopeless and dying looks like such a good option and i just want things to stop and be quiet for a while..and it gets all confusing :( and i have to go back and see pdoc in 2 weeks..and linda also told me not to miss anymore sessions with her..i missed last week cas of work issues..and can this week..and well this week im like falling apart all over the place and suicidal and all that..and its like ok i wont miss anymore sessions..

and well i guess thats enough for all of that...but the other stuff i have been thinking of..money,,moving..jobs..ugh..theres so much...


the need to move is important...well i have to move..i do..i just cant afford living here..and i was thinking that i wanted to have a 2 bedroom...well i do want a two bedroom apartment..but for now i cant afford it..and im getting so frustrating trying to find a two bedroom..and i think i need to look for a one bedroom instead..i mean i have way to much stuff for a two bedroom and i really have no idea where in the hell im going to put some of the furniture that is left over from yvonne that she gave to me..but really im just frustrated and overwhelmed with looking and being worried about money..and all that..and i guess for now i need to find a place that i like and feel safe in and is affordable...and that is a 1 bedroom...and i think one of the other things that is really frustrating me with the apartment looking is that i have to pay so much extra money for bounce and dusti..and i really am all for being honest and all of that..but really..its like an extra 300 for pet fees and deposits and all of that..and they have to come with me..i just dont want to pay for them just yet..and then i get all twisted up feeling guilty..and out of sorts ..but darn it i just cant afford anything right now...and it frustrates the hell out of me..so i dont know what to do just yet...and i talked to the office today for where i live now and well letter from my job or not ill still be charged the late fee..for not having my rent in time..and i realize i wont h ave the rent anyway..and so i dont know what to do about that...i was told i HAD to do the 2 month notice..even though my lease is up..and that makes me mad cas well im moving cas i cant afford it..and maybe i just need to let them evict me and deal with paying them whatever i owe them then..and im sure it will be less than a month and ill be evicted for not paying..ugh so stupid...and well the place i did like i have been warned against..because there are a lot of drugs and stuff there..and i just keep thinking that i will be ok..you know i stay out of stuff and dont really talk to anyone anyway..but its that now that ive been told not to go there and cant go there ..and so im back to square one and looking for an apartment..and will just have to figure it out...how in the world can i condense my stuff down to a one bedroom?! crap crap crap..really feel like im getting nowhere though..with the search..and i dont know..its disappointing big time...but i guess i need to keep reminding myself that i can move again later on down the line...

and well the job stuff is pretty much going in the same way...2 jobs...both stressful..losing hours at my main job..but gaining hours at my second job..and well the not getting paid is just frustrating..and i am truly trying to be patient..i am...but i dont know what to do about it..and well i guess thats prolly why im frustrated with it all..

and well my lack of money and not being able to pay things really is frustrating me too..the check i get at the end of the week really needs to go towards other bills..and not rent..but i need to pay rent..and i dont know which i need to cover more..that 300 and some electric bill i have to pay..and then theres my car insurance that i have to pay..and well rent is not as high up on the list i guess..and thats bad..but i cant pay everything..and i have to be ok with that and accept the consequences of my choices..and i dont like them..i really dont liike that im stuck choosing which is more important to pay..:( cas it makes me feel bad..but well i dont make enough money to cover it all and money doesnt grow on trees..and so i have to choose..and i have to deal with it...ugh :(

and well there is the issue of paperwork that i havent turned in that i need to get done and in tomorrow..and im trying to find the motivation to do it..and ugh..

there is just so much going on and i keep trying to look at all of it together and not breaking it apart..and its making me feel awful and even more depressed and i guess hopeless too..and im just stuck..completely..and i dont know what to do..i cant think anymore tonight..i really cant..i guess its time for me to go to bed then..maybe after getting so sleep this will all just make sense and i wont be struggling anymore..

but on a completely different side note..i really need to stop trying to make myself feel better with food...i know im doing it and i know i feel powerless to stop it..but it needs to stop...im using money that i need for other stuff on food and i have food in the house and i need to eat it..and i need to cook..and stop messing around...

and i just feel the need to damn mcdonalds for that darn monopoly game..crap..every year i think im gonna win and that i have to get as many pieces as possible..when i know im not going to win and yeah..its like i get suckered into going to mcdonalds more often cas i want the pieces..and not really so much the food..but if i buy the food then i have to eat it..and so on and so forth..if nothing else i am predictable in my issues...and i get comfortable doing things i know i shouldnt do...and then just feel horrible about it later on..or as im doing it...i wont get into what ive eaten today.but its just been really bad ..and i know i just need to do better and work harder to control it tomorrow..

and today i actually had something different to talk about with linda but i got sidetracked and didnt bring it up...so maybe next week if i can keep it together...

but yeah..now i have a headache and am feeling really uncomfortable..so im going to lay down now...

yep..things still suck

weird night...fell asleep on the couch and then got up in the middle of the night and fell asleep on the floor..and then got up again and went to bed..only to wake up to dusti sleeping on me ... yeah it was a weird night!

geez what happened today ? how did it come to this..again...all the bad thoughts..and feeling unsafe...the mistake of telling t and pdoc about those feelings ..and once again having conversations about the hospital..and what will happen if i cant keep myself safe i hadnt planned on even going there with either of them..but somehow it came out and ..i tried to pretend i had no idea what the pdoc was talking to..can she jumped right on the sui feelings and just had to talk about it..but she saw right through it..cas she is right in that i do know exactly what she meant..i deal with putting kids in the hospital..and being there when they are admitted..i know how it works..and at the same time i know how to avoid it to..and so then we had to talk about what it would take if i was feeling unsafe..and it was just depressing talking about it...depressing thinking about it..just all around depressing today ..and well just in general lately its been depressing...and t told me not to give up..and to keep trying and doing one thing at a time..but i dont know..she also told me not to miss anymore sessions ... given last week was understandable cas there was a work issue..but yeah..it was like massive down hill spiral that wasnt able to be stopped since i didnt have a chance to see her last week..and i dont know..pdoc did up the meds a bit...but im not to hopeful about that or anything else right now...so i just dont know..but hmm trying to get through my other stuff today so i can come home and do paperwork that im once again behind on...ugh i think i kinda hate everything right now...

t did tell me though that she would be incredibly pissed at me if i killed myself ...which i prolly needed to hear i guess 

....

i dont know..i cant seem to stop worrying..i keep trying to figure it all out and i dont have any answers at all..and that upsets me..i hate not knowing what is going to happen and how its going to work out..i cant be ok with just a 'hope'...i need more than that i need concrete plans..i need to know how its all going to work out and none of whats going on is like that or even a possibility and it frustrates me horribly...
because i cant decide..because i get scared and overwhelmed and cant think..im afraid of what is going to happen or how things are going to work out..i dont know..:( i do see t and pdoc tomorrow..maybe they will help ...

im tired though...like sleepy tired all of a sudden and i just want to go to bed...im freezing and refuse to turn the heat on or close the windows..cas well i dont know..but i cant even manage to catch up on the electric bill..and its so late..and every day i wonder if im going to come home and have the lights turned off or something..and i guess thats one thing i have to pay at the end of the week... ireally truly cant get ahead right now

tired
 hopeless

frustrated

i wish this would all just stop...i hate everything and just feel like shutting down..i am shutting down..i dont want to talk to anyone..i just want to do my job and go home..im done..

just cant get ahead :(

the staff meeting yesterday was just to say that the company is still struggling..and that checks are going to be a full week late for some people...i hadnt been told ahead of time that i wasnt getting a check..i was told yesterday at 3 in the afternoon that i wasnt getting a check what the hell am i supposed to do ?! i needed that check..i have bills to pay..i need gas and grocerys and everything..and its overwhelming..iasked for gas money..and the boss gave me a little bit..and its like..well if im not getting paid and i dont have the money for gas i just cant see clines as much next week..but if i dont see them then my next check will be horrible..and i dont know what to do..you know he gave the speech and asked us to be patient and that he just needed like 30 more days and things would be back on track ... i cant decide if iwant to look for another job or if i am willing to stick it out and see what happens...theres to much trying to change right now..moving and a new job all at the same time is overwhelming..but moving and having a job where i cant depend on getting my paycheck on time is overwhelming me too..and so yesterday i had to plead for my check from my second job..with the understanding that every bit of paperwork will be in to them on monday...so now i have some money for the little stuff like gas and food and what not..but not enough to cover any bills..and im just frustrated and overwhelmed and wanting to do very very bad things and the possibility of moving and well also the possibiltiy of having to stay here for two months and struggling to pay the 825 in addition to fees for another place and all of that..and i dont know how to manage it..i dont know how to get anything done..and i just want to say screw it and just stay here ..where im at now..but i know there are cheaper places..and it would be logical to move..but i cant think about anything and im tired and worn out from thinking and trying to figure things out..and i just want to lay down and never get back up again..i really dont..

-sigh-

we do like the cooler weather but the rain is really bothersome..ugh ..got acouple hours of sleep..and woke up not feeling well..and im not sure if im sick or just tired..but either way i cancelled the preschool thing..because if i am sick i dont want to get all the kids sick.and im gonna take some medicine and then get some other work stuff done..cas i still have paperwork hanging over my head..ugh...i just cant get it together this week...i truly cant...

and the movers will be here at some point this morning and im all worreid about leaving my key and not being here and having it be rainy and all that and them tracking mud all over the place..and well just not being here cas of work..

i dont know..feeling a bit stressed today and i dont know why...i prolly should have just taken the sleep meds last night..and i dont know..makingpretty stupid decisions lately i guess...

i just want to hide today..and not deal with anyone..thats how i feel..:(

 i feel tense..and unable to relax..i really do..really wish i could have seen linda this week :(

yesterday was not a good day...

what i wrote yesterday night



I really dont know where to begin, Im worn out completely. I cant focus, i cant take in any more information, or deal with anyone else talking to me. Im laying down but I cant seem to process today at all. The urge to say that things are fine, that we managed to get through today is very overwhelming. Yes we got through the day, but crashed and panicked horribly when it was time to leave the hospital this evening. Just couldnt take anything else, couldnt deal with anything else. Almost cried when my co-counselor told me to just go home when it got to be around 6pm. He told me to just leave and I did. I think I may have tried to stick it out if he hadnt told me to go home. 9 hours, thats how long I spent in the hospital today. 9 long and boring and draining hours, in a little room with no windows or anything to look at, without my phone or purse because I wasnt allowed to have them back there. 9 long hours of waiting, and hoping that this kid would be admitted only to find that tonight every place is rejecting him. Hours on the phone, talking to my co-counselor and my supervisor. I had to cancel everyone else i was supposed to see today, i missed my supervision this morning, and i missed therapy Really wanted to talk to t this week, wanted to take her some of the writing and talk about the medicine and the bad feelings, and now have to wait until next week. I cant reschedule therapy at all because of her schedule and so im just stuck with that, and the stress is building big time right now. and i dont know what to do about it. thought a lot about cutting today because was feeling so very stressed out. Being stuck sitting in a little room with a camera on the wall was not ok, and made my paranoia go into overload..i feel like i have just missed everything today due to one client and i dont like that at all. i really dont. i cant get myself together because the stress and not sleeping and everything is overloading me..and im trying to lay down and take it easy tonight but im just worrying about tomorrow and what ill need to do inorder to catch up.. i think maybe ill just go ahead and take the night meds and just start the day early tomorrow..and hope its better..cas i dont think it can get any worse..


but today is better....im currently taking a little break from cleaning up...

and spent a long time talking to my sister today..and im  feeling a bit of excitement..cas well she is getting excited about her possible move..and well i offered to go with them to look for apartments/houses in pa it will be around the middle of october but i think it will be fun to go up there and see the area and help them find a place..and all of that..and well im just itching to get away and get away from work stuff..and we have been talking about furniture and getting stuff from her possibly for my apartment..and well theres just something nice about moving to a new place and being able to start over..but she has gotten my interest lol..and would really like to do it..it gives me something to look forward to just a little bit..and i hope that it will work out... i really do...

and im not going to be going home..any time soon...well the oct 15th im going to my sisters and i may stop by home but i wont be staying or anything..and mommy is wanting us to go to cherrokee for her bday in nov..and so im gonna try to do that..cas being out of town with her isnt as bad as being with her at home..and especially if im going to be driving myself and will have my car and all of that..so going to try to do that..and with the holidays and all that coming up and i know ill be home a bit more or traveling to my sisters..so just using money to go home is not as much as option right now...

im going to use the rest of the day to finally catch up on paperwork and get it all turned in tomorrow morning..and finally be able to get things done..and going to work on cleaning up and getting all that done today too..

i would really rather you know that yesterday and the hospital thing doesnt happen again..any time soon..

but yes..im trying hard to regroup today..and get stuff done..

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - By Albert Schweitzer

bad day

chilly and rainy day...matches my mood right now...stomach is not doing so hot right now and im sure its because of having fast food last night...but was just cranky and tired and didnt want to cook and it had been a really bad night and so yeah..just stopped and grabbed something on the way home..which i think was really binge mode cas just wanted to eat and not think or deal with anything but well yeah..stomach is not happy and feeling sick and cold and yeah..struggling this morning...

yesterday..yesterday was really really bad and it all concerns work stuff..i ended up back at the hospital with a client and he got his self there and i arrived later with his mom...and after like 2 hours of waiting and waiting and not talking to the doctor..he up and leaves the hospital..didnt say a word to me or his mom...we thought he was out side smoking...the doctor comes in looking for him..and you know i say hes outside..half hour later his mom walks back into the room and says he is at home..he walked home! oh i wanted to ..it takes a lot to get me feeling pissed off ..but last night i was pissed off and mad and frustrated..and so we go back to her house...i tell the kid he has pissed me off and that he is the most inconsiderate person i have ever met...no response...i asked him what he was going to do..he is positive he cant stay at home..he is going around telling all his friends parents that he cant stay at home..and no one will talk him in..and so he got mad and walked to his friends house again without freaking saying anything..and so we track him down and then i sit and have a long conversation with his mom about how she needs to press charges next time..and that she has 3 little kids that need her..and the 17 yr old who will be 18 next month she needs to just let go..well once he is 18 she needs to let him go..and she was breaking down and crying and oh it was a mess last night.. and i have to keep it together and help her and track down the inconsiderate jerk of a son she has..and no i dont want to see him ever again..and its like my whole evening got taken up by him..and it made me mad..im still mad..and i called my supervisor 4 times yesterday and she didnt answer!!! any other freaking time she would have picked up the phone but the one day i really truly needed to talk to her and she didnt pick up..sometime in the mess of things she called and left me a message but pretty much said if it wasnt a life threatening emergency then she would talk to me tomorrow?! it was going to be a life threatening emergency because i was gonna ---- him...lol insert what ever word you want there...but yesterday just stressed me out to the max..and by the time i got home i was just done..
and i want to scream and yeah ...i plan on taking up the whole freaking staff meeting today talking about yesterday! ugh...

and well now im behind on my paperwork..like not even close to having it done for my second job..and im like resigned to just turning it in late..cas i just ..i dont know..i just ..i just didnt do it when i should have and now im going to be late with it..and its just been a not so great weekend..but thats not an excuse..and yeah..feeling a bit rotten about it all right now..im going to work on it and hopefully will get it done at some point today inbetween staff meetings...but im just kinda..feeling blahish about all of my paperwork right now..really am...

so im gonna go and try to get one more done before i have to start getting ready for my meeting..and then the rest ill just have to figure out later ...my head just isnt in it today..and i want to go back to sleep...


<----- i think this is gonna be me for the rest of the day...

still struggling ...

i dont know...i guess im feeling pressured about going home...its to the point where mommy is starting to ask alot when im coming home..and i know it all comes down to whether or not i can afford it..but now it just feels like i have to figure out a way to get home...and with feeling so fragile lately..and so back and forth with feeling safe and what not lately and so its hard to imagine going home...and well with all the feelings of being a failure lately and not losing enough weight and all of that..its like no i dont want to go home at all cas i just feel ashamed of myself..and in truth..i may not have lost anything but i havent gained anything either..but all it takes is one look from mommy and i may as well have gained 50 pounds or something..and its depressing..and lately i dont need any help at all with feeling depressed...so i dont know...there a good things about going home though and well havent seen my sister in like 3 months..and so i just cant decide... for the first time in awhile last night i was actually thinking about how much it would hurt to go back to purging...i wanted to do and was ready to do it and almost felt sick enough to convince myself to do it...but in the end i just went back to laying down...that one i rather not get back into..but its always there i think...hanging out back behind all the other stuff i have to deal with..and just every so often it pops but out and i start wanting it and thinking its a good idea..and yeah...

feeling a little bit stressed about my schedule next week..and i just need to sit down and figure out really what its going to be...i mean its a little easier not having one client because well i ahvent heard from her and well the whole jail incident...and then its just figuring out the preschool stuff and my regular clients and all of that..and i think once i just sit down and figure it out it will feel less stressful...

and then there is t next week..and for some reason im more focused on how much i owe..and she is being really nice with the fact that you know im not paying her currently and im just racking up a huge bill..and well with pdoc to that bill is essh..its all depressing to think about..and well i dont think the meds are as effective this time around...i know the meds wont fix everything but the meds arent even getting me to neutral right now...and i just feel so sad and depressed all the time..and a lot of time feeling suicidal too..and it just all sucks ...and maybe im just looking into things to much..i dont know..it just doesnt feel like anything is helping this time..and i do know i can sign up for the health benefits from my job around the 19th of october..and that is when ill be finding out how ive done with my probation periods..and go from there...what if ive screwed up something and im going to lose my jobs??ugh

mommy also brought up what my plans are going to be...am i going to stay in va or am i going to move again or what im going to do..and i couldnt say well i have no idea..i had to think of something..and well the truth would be i have no freaking idea what i want to do...you know for now im in va and im fine here..you know no real plans to go anywhere...my sister is possibly moving to pa and that is a stress for me..cas pa is farther away than nc.and i wont be able to just pick up and go see her..i would have to plan..and it would be a plane ticket involved most likely..and i dont know how that is going to work out just yet..her husband is off to do his interview this week..and well they will know soon if he has the job and if they will have to be looking at moving..and then i dont know....

maybe im just feeling lost all around...with everything that is going on and not going on... just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation and everything and i dont know what to do to make it better..i want to make it better..i want to feel better and not feel so suicidal anymore...heck maybe just getting it to once a week would be good..i cant deal with this..and the more days that pass the less i feel like im actually dealing with...im just kinda managing to slip through and appear as pulled together as i can..but when im at home and in my apartment and i just spend hours laying on the floor not doing anything..or laying on the floor just thinking about dying..and not even having to motivation to get up inorder to overdose i really wonder about myself..and what im doing..if i wasnt working and didnt have to show up i really have to wonder if i would have ended up trying to seriously killing myself in the past few months..i dont know..and i try not to think about it to much cas its overwhelming and disappointing..and i am surrounded my counselors and ppl who work every day with other people who are dealing with this type of stuff..and im right smack in the middle of it and i can barely manage to keep it together..and more and more stuff gets piled on me..more things i have to do..more tasks i have to accomplish..theres not enough hours in the day and i feel like im just running around all the time and getting nowhere and doing nothing..and my days run together and i forget what i have done inorder to keep things going..and my schedule is constantly having to change in my head and i have to be so controlled to remember where im supposed to be..and i can show up..if its the last thing i do i will show up..but im just not connecting as much..i guess..and so im trying to write down what i need to do with my days..and how i need to get stuff done..and obviously i need more work with that..cas i did it for a day and then i lost track of it and didnt do it...and i i just feel so so out of my own life...i get through the day..and if i try to fade into the background ..but everyone needs me and it takes so much energy...and i want to hide...i really truly want to hide from work and i cant..i havent found the balance yet..maybe thats what the problem is..im looking for the balance and getting so very trapped in the process...maybe this week will be a little bit better...maybe this week ill manage things a little better...but how im feeling now..really doesnt make me feel like next week will be any better...and i know im in control of my mood and how im feeling and all that bs that i say a million times a day to clients and i wonder how any one can believe it..sometimes it really feels like im lying through my teeth when im trying to help someone else feel better..and i have to remember that its not about me at those times..cas thats when my stuff kinda gets in the way..and i end up struggling...i know there is some truth in it but i dont know where its at right now...i dont believe it for myself right now..and i dont want to hear it anymore..i almost just want to be left alone..but i know that will not be a good option at all...i have to go to work..i have to keep going because i am needed...im a part of something..and even if i might not feel like i matter or that im important or another negative thing that im currently thinking..i guess i can dredge up that its not the end of the world just yet..

wow is there anything else i need to complain about...i do try not to complain and i really didnt realize so much was going on...
:(

state fair :)

Goat

Baby Pig - born 9/24/10

well hell... -sigh-

i want to self medicate.big time tonight..and i guess thats putting it nicely. i dont understand. i dont get it. i felt fine earlier i did. and ive just been laying down this evening. not really doing anything. and i suddenly feel cut off..alone..and wanting to just sleep away hours and hours... i dont know whats wrong anymore

you know..sometimes i really think that the only thing that saves my life is my lack of motivation...i cant od if im just refuses to get up and go get the stupid medicine...and by the time i do get up ) i havent yet) ill not even want to od anymore..may take extra to get the thoughts/feelings to stop..but not going to die...not tonight...

heck of a nigght to be unhappy

for as tired as i was a couple hours ago..now im awake but just kinda here...it the past 10 mins ive started to feel tired again..right when i was about to go ahead and start working on paperwork..have it kinda timed out for tomorrow..and all that..again i just want to get it turned in...thats what i want to do..i really am rather disappointed in us for work stuff..and forgetting and not keeping track of things better...i really am ..cas then its frustrating realizing that im forgetting to turn things in or forgetting to show up and times and all that ... its very frustrating..and so i then add stuff onto already scheduled stuff..and its frustrating extreme and then i feel like im just doing a bad job all around for not catching on to things or for not understanding..or forgetting..heh i signed up for short term disability insurance today..i may need to ask my pdoc to write me a leave of absence! i really really need to regroup and figure out what i am doing....i think this job..well these two jobs come with the most responsibility and i just dont know what to do with it..and its frustrating because not knowing tends to end up with me just doing stuff wrong or messing up ..or something.. very very hard to believe that im coming up on my 3 month mark ..in like 3 weeks..and i do want to make a good impression..i dont want to lose my jobs... this is a heck of a time to start doubting myself...i dont know..just feeling super down and depressed..and wanting to sleep but staying awake..and im assuming i want to be up until 12:01..didnt take any sleep meds tonight cas i knew tomorrow was gonna be an early early day..so yeah..im up and getting cranky and all the usual late night stuff going on...my age is showing and it worries me..and im afraid im not cut out for this...and i realize the dark dark humor that comes along with me working as a mental health counselor professionally and being a mental case myself...only i could manage that ..and only i can make it believable..and fake being sane so so very well...

im not ok and havent been ok in a very very long time... i dont know what i want anymore..i dont know how to get anything or make anything work anymore..im struggling with just freaking struggling and it makes me feel very very hopeless and lost and confused...the currently extreme forgetfulness is getting in the way..and i just dont know what to do about anything..and i feel completely at my wits end right now with it all..everything is stressing me out..and i have to keep going because i dont know how to do anything else..and i realize im supposed to be happy that tomorrow is my birthday and i guess tomorrow i will be happy..but its not tomorrow yet..and the evening before my birthday is always hard...the evening of my birthday is hard..and so i know its good im working off and on tomorrow..it is..but i just want a break from things you know..and i dont even get that on my birthday...my birthday is never anything special and so i guess it makes no point to change that now..just another day to get through i guess..and i cant find any happiness in it at all..and im back to feeling anxious..and very sad..and very unsure of things right now..you know im tired of trying and figuring stuff out and all of that..i dont want to do it anymore..i get tired of doing it..of trying..of making it work or pretending its working..or managing..i thought i was going to have a happy day..i thought i was going to be able to be happy tomorrow..but right now im not feeling happy at all..im feeling sad and very sad..and i dont know..

back towork..

no i dont think im ready for work this week...i really dont...

my notes from last week are kinda running together in my head..and i see the benefit of actually doing them at the time and not waiting..but once again ive waited and yeah...ugh...really going to need to focus and start a list of the notes i will have to write..but they are kinda running together...

dont think ill be able to have therapy this week..but im going to call tomorrow and see if i can reschedule..but if not then ill have to just wait until next week...stupid work stuff getting in the way again...but cant reschedule and so yeah...

meds are yeah..going ok for now with them..getting it filled per week for now...and its a little more affordable ..or maybe its just easier to consider since its 20 bucks a week ..for them..instead of looking at the whole price of almost 90 for the month...but next month im gonna try to cut down on the hassle and get it just filled at once..but will see...

but yeah i gotta go get laundry started and all that fun stuff ive put off..and yeah..

its finally the weekend...

well did end up going to the hospital the other night with a client..and i freaked out pretty badly with it...i dont know what happened..but i was fine until i actually got to the hospital and then i just got really paranoid and scared and yeah it was not good..i had a lot of trouble staying grounded and present and i felt like i was a mess..and so yesterday the feelings where still kinda lingering and yeah..it was not good..essh but got through yesterday..and im glad because now its saturday and i can have a break!

yesterday was mostly good until my last client and then i ended up not even completing the session because he was being off the chain and i wasnt staying there...so i left..it wasnt worth it at all..to stay..when he was just doing what he wanted and being a royal pain in the butt...and not listening..so i was feeling really upset and on edge last night...but yeah..other than that ..yesterday was more manageable than i thought it was going to be..

today is going to be a super quiet day lol...about to start cleaning up stuff...and then have to go out and run some errands later today..and go to the library..and then just hanging out at home for the rest of the day..nothing to thrilling going on at all...

you know it really stinks getting paid and yeah it all going to bills...yuck ..but im getting paid and at least i can start paying on stuff again..i hate playing catch up!...but yeah..things are getting better ...keep reminding myself of that...

and i was in walmart yesterday and i was over by the deli part and one of the guys that worked there just like handed me a rotisserie chicken and i was like ok lol...and then i stood there for a couple minutes cas in my head it was like..ok whats going on..did this really just happen?! but yep..there was a free sticker on it i guess i just happened to walk up at the right time lol...so yeah ill be eating chicken for like the next week it looks like lol...

stressful day

this would be how im feeling right now..im tired and worn out and stressed from both jobs..and just ugh..

doubting my abilities some this evening with so much going on...maybe i need to just refocus my attention and do something so not related to work..

today has been a lot of running around...dealing with work stuff from both jobs..from 9 to 5 today..and there is a possible trip to the hospital later for a client who is struggling..and both jobs were just so demanding today..and it was so stressful..and a lot of last minute decisions and schedule changes..and i now have 4 clients (with more coming possibly) from one job...and the the preschool stuff and one client from the second job..and today they were all demanding my time and i just cant think anymore right now...gosh im so so hoping that the kid doesnt need to go to the hospital or that we can figure out a way to get it done tomorrow or something..head is shot today...really really is..

just want to lay down but i cant because if i fall asleep ill be falling apart myself if they called and i had to drive to the hospital..so i need to stay up..

going to fix dinner in a few..and maybe that will help start getting things to calm down....shoulders are bunched up a lot this evening so i know i am stressed out and having a hard time relaxing and letting go...

surprised

yesterday was a good day..i felt good, almost happy even. you know my morning was fairly busy i had been up for forever..but then on the way to work yesterday things just kinda clicked in a way..and it just felt like i woke up and rejoined the world..i was in a great mood you know..and its been so very long that it was a little surprising...like i didnt want to stay in the house yesterday..i wanted to go out and be outside..and after weeks of isolating when i wasnt working..yesterday was like a complete turn around.so it was nice..maybe its the meds some..maybe i dont know..it was just nice yesterday..i wasnt worrying or nervous or anxious ...

and i found out yesterday that i may be able to sign up for benefits next week! holy cow that would be awesome..and im sure it would kick in for october and then i swear ill go to the doctor and take care of my blood pressure and some other stuff i have going on..and get my meds and not pay an arm and a leg..and all of that..that would be awesome..

and i get paid this week..and that is helping me feel a bit calmer..and ill be able to start paying bills again and not feeling so far behind with everything and yeah...everything is so behind and i hate it..but i can start paying again...i have an idea of what ill be making but im not completely 100% sure...so yeah..i just know it will be a nice paycheck..

and my birthday is next tuesday...its so so hard to believe that im going to be 27..again i have to remember that i never thought i would make it past 18..much less 9 more years...but i have..and my birthday is next week..and wel i have to work in the morning ...and then ill be kinda free..and im doing dinner with a friend..and thats kinda all i think..and then i decided i want to go to the outer banks for a weekend for my birthday..and its cheaper now because its offseason and so the hotel prices are really low and all..but yeah ill make sure i pay bills and all of that before i go and spend money on a mini vacation...but i really just need to get away for a bit...im not sure if ill be able to go home..or not that weekend after my birthday..i mean its just kinda im not ready to be at home..i dont know..

but lots going on i think

work is work...its going as well as can be expected lol...im still such a slacker when it comes to paperwork! essh..but im getting it done..and then today i start the preschool part ..and that is something im really looking forward to..

bounce is my little shadow ..i really dont think she knows that she is a cat! i really dont lol..but she makes me laugh and her and dusti havent killed each other yet so i think that they may actually like each other for afew hours out of the day.

in therapy yesterday..we were talking about how i wanted another pet..and i told her my list of animals that i wanted..and she told me that she thinks it means im wanting more contact..and its symbolic and is kinda meaning that im wanting more friends..i hadnt even considered that you know..i was just thinking i wanted another pet..but what she said makes sense i guess..and is slightly depressing all at the same time..but im not sure about that yet...i got a little card from one of the people in the support group i kinda started going to before..and its been maybe a month and a half since ive shown up...but i think ill go this week..maybe it will be helpful.. i dont know..

but yeah..im off to go and get breakfast and all of that..and get ready to go and start my day...yeah..

hmm

you know..i really dont have any thing positive to say about anything anymore...im just negative or i dont say anything..i hate everything or i ignore everything..i keep thinking about how linda told me that she wants me to be more present in my life and i think im kind of pushing that away..being aware is just so overwhelming for me..and i just kinda always function in neutral ...unless things are bad..and then things just are awful..and i feel like i should be more positive but i dont know how right now...circumstances just kinda suck big time and its hard for me to feel hopeful about anything....but as usual im managing...

its back to the work week..and well things are going...i know that things are still pretty unstable right now..but i still try to remind myself that i am getting pay checks and that every little bit helps and that its not always going to be like this...its not...and so im trying to stay hopeful and just deal with it..and hope...because i get paid this week and unfortunately i have bunches of bills to pay and catch up on..and so yeah..but its something...and im going to put aside a little bit of money for my birthday..cas i want to do something..i just dont know what yet...i have to work for part of it..but maybe dinner and a movie or something...there are a couple little things i want to get ..like a new movie and theres a new book i want..and i really need a new purse because mine is like falling apart at the seams..and i need some work clothes..but im going to be good and kinda try hard not to just go overboard and buy everything...but i would like to have a nice day..and umm yeah.

i dont think ill be able to go home for a while..but im still trying to work that out...because of something going on with one of my clients i am not going to working for a few sundays and so it will be easier to get away and go home but that has to happen like soon lol..but i really dont think ill have the money to do everything..and of course my car needs an oil change and some stuff and im behind on just about everything and so yeah..i guess im jumping the gun as usual since im worrying about all of this now..and i havent even gotten paid yet...but well i do worry a lot! heck i need to make a list of what needs to be paid..and go from there..

and nia and rob are possibly moving to PA. which makes me sad..and i kinda hope she doesnt..but i kinda hope she does..blah...but then mommy mentioned us spending christmas with them in PA if they do move..and then being up there for like new years and stuff..but nothing is planned yet.. and its all just talk for right now...but nia did mention that she wants me to move to PA to...later next year ..and i told her i would think about it...i think if i did move that it wouldnt be next year..it would be a little longer than that..and well who knows what will happen or what ill be doing at this time next year..and so yeah..i guess ill keep my options open you know..but that would be a huge huge move..and so scary...and starting over again..and i think i need more time cas it feels like i JUST moved here and im still getting used to it and everything..so yeah...

and maybe just getting away and going home is an ok thing to do..i had mentioned doing it the weekend after my birthday..but going home is ugh..and i dont know if im ready to be at home..my mood and well emotional state feels way to fragile to be at home and deal with all of that...im not sure i could manage for even a couple days...but i dont know...i mean mommy and nia both know money is tight and its not like im expected to go home or anything..but its been almost 3 months and i havent been home..which is a big deal..i mean and with the holidays coming up i know i have to go home..and all that...hmm but yeah...ill figure something out...

guess im done rambling for now...so my plan for the night is to figure out something for dinner, and work on paperwork until i fall asleep..and then get up early tomorrow and finish said paperwork until i have to go to my supervision meeting and then therapy..and then an afternoon involving A LOT of running around!
essh


but you know..today..well this evening..i was feeling pretty tired and kinda down..and i made myself go to work, and i made myself not reschedule because i really wanted to reschedule..but i went and it was good..i was glad i went..cas the kid makes me laugh..and i actually enjoy talking to him. so score one for me..in my day...

and now im really going ..

am doing better..i guess

restarted the effexor yesterday...borrowed some money and got it filled for a week..and then when i get paid again im gonna go and get the rest of it....feeling kinda bad today but im not sure if im sick or if its the meds..and side effects..

so just trying...i manage and get things done..its going to be a busy week with work too...ugh...lots and lots to do...

but i gotta go to work now..just needed to get online for a little bit.

bad bad day

i was ready to overdose yesterday...

i didnt obviously..but the thoughts were there..the feelings were there..and i was just going to go along with it..i wanted it to just be over and done with..

am trying to pay more attention to what is going on..and stay busy..

the pdoc added back effexor ..and hopefully ill be able to fill the prescription next week..hopefully it will help

today...

today is just one of those days with to much happening all at once...

im not feeling good still..still sounding stuffed up and congested but i am able to be out and everything today without feeling like im going to pass out..

therapy was hard this morning....she asked me if i really was going to put the effort into healing..because the feelings she got from me said otherwise...and she is right..as much as i dont want to admit it..she is right.i dont want to do the work required to get better and feel better..i show up and hope that something will magically happen to make everything easier to deal with and easier to manage and all of that..i dont know what i want to do..or what i need to work on...


woke up this morning and my internet was off..and i wont be able to afford to get it back for a couple weeks..so ill be scarce for a while...not the best time to have to deal with this..but i guess i knew it was coming and will just have to deal..

but im at mcdonalds right now using there wifi..and well its free and i can get into things..so yeah..guess it works for right now and i know that ill be able to at least get online once a day..but yeah ...i better go

im tired of all of this...it sucks ..everything sucks

hmm...

yes...i think i need to work on some collages...head is completely full and im feeling anxious..

not the best day

got so mad and frustrated this morning with my job...i waited all morning and then went to pick up my check..and no one was freaking in the office who could give it to me! and i had stopped by before going somewhere else and so i couldnt hang around and wait and it just pissed me off..and im like i cant keep coming back and forth..and today is supposed to be payday..but i cant even get my check...ugh..and it made me mad..cas then i had to go to the bank and all that and was freaking out and everything..and so i wasnt able to get back to the office until like after 4..and then went to the bank...and thankfully between both my checks i can cover rent...but nothing else..and i have some choices to make concerning the money i do have...and yeah im ready to just say screw it to all things involving money.. :censor :censor trying to remind myself that at least im getting checks again..even if its not much..its better than nothing...over 2 months with no pay..and ive managed you know..thanks to a lot A LOT of help from friends and mommy..and my sister...and i hate needing to borrow money so much you know..cas well it brings up all sorts of feelings..and im hoping that will be a bit better now..and that im getting money coming in and i know ill have a paycheck every two weeks..and that soon it will add up..and that i just gotta work on getting in the hours..and ill start to see things improving...and yeah..so its still sorta touch and go..and day by day..but its something....for now its working..and i just have to deal with it...it will get better...it has to get better...and even with the best planning im still lacking what i need..and will just have to deal with the extra fees and bank issues later..without freaking out about it..cas this time around i can actually work on paying them back..

all that being said..im worn out..and stuffed up and in general rather cranky and out of sorts...went and got some meds earlier and have been taking them but im not sure they are really helping..and if they dont help by like sunday..then i have to look at the possibility of going to the doctor..and i cant afford that! but i have to work next week and need to have my head together..i have to work sunday and need to have my head together! ugh..but cancelled my evening person for today..cas just didnt have the energy to sit and talk to him and have to tell him to stop...and all that..so rescheduled..and will see how i feel on sunday..but either way i have to go on sunday!! but no work on monday..thankfully so ill have an extra day to regroup and get my head together.. and then next week it will be back to the usual lol..fun..but im hoping to sleep and not feel so stuffed up tomorrow...

greg is coming over tomorrow..cas he has to move stuff in for the moving truck thats coming in sometime this month ..and im trying to be nice about it and everything..and agreed to him coming..so now i just have to suck it up and deal with it..but im not up for him being here for long and i guess thats something we are just gonna have to figure out tomorrow..ugh..but yeah..its not like im helping him do anything...ill just be crashing on the couch..or something...nothing to thrilling you know...

but yeah i think maybe ill go and watch something on tv...need to get up and move and well maybe sitting up will help my sinuses clear a bit better..my goal for the weekend is to drink water!!!

Winnie-the-Pooh words of wisdom: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

....

feeling miserable emotionally and physically .... think ive caught a cold or something..but im not sure..head hurts, throat hurts..nose is all stuffy..and just want to go back to bed but i cant cas i have to get paperwork done, and have meetings today and yeah.

and well just feeling miserable and depressed emotion wise...

im just all over the place and none of it is good and i just want to lay down and sleep..

waiting on a phone call...

i called my pdoc yesterday, and im still waiting for her to call back..and im freaked out by the fact that she didnt call me back yesterday..something needs to be done with my meds...the past few days ive done nothing at all..and it took some time for me to pick up on it but im depressed..and its getting worse..an im afraid its gonna end up with me losing my job..i spend my days just laying down..i go to work for a few hours and come home and lay down..i cant focus..im not motivated to do anything..and all of my paperwork stuff is suffering..and im just afraid i guess..and im still very suicidal..it got to the point the other day that i asked a friend if she would take bounce and dusti if anything happened :(..normally the 2 of them are all that keeps me here...and then the other night i was ready to give them away and just leave and go somewhere and never come back...i dont know whats going on with me at all..i should be happy and im not..i should be less stressed and im not..im just getting worse..and i cant even manage to tell linda everything that is going on...i suck...