as things become stable..the more unstable things get...
and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...
but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff
i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now 
i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that 
me
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