Benefits.

With the promotion and the updating of my information..i will be able to apply for benefits...full benefits sometime in march and be fully covered by the middle of april !!!   im so excited...this year has really truly started on a positive note ... im so proud of myself :) ..now to just keep it going and continue to work on myself...yep

Xena, Kai, and Gizmo

anxious mind and food again

i still havent heard back about starting my pharmacy classes and it is making me anxious ...did  i fail something ?  is my background screwed up? did i do something wrong or not do something that i was supposed to do...why am i still waiting and it has been a week now...more than a week actually and ive heard absolutely nothing...im worried and tired and nervous and that just makes me more tired ... i hate waiting ..my mind runs away with me and im struggling to maintain my thoughts and not go overboard with the worrying ...

food is still an issue..a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig one..and im tired of myself really...i want so much to just be able to eat and be ok but i cant...so i obsess and plan and plot and try and fail and cry and get frustrated every single day... my new obsession is the keto lifestyle ..which is basically low carb..but higher in fat eating choices...like i can eat eggs and bacon and cheese but no grains or sugar or anything...it is blowing my mind really...but i am working to cut carbs down...so something has to fuel me and make me not hungry....i dont know if its the right idea but i keep researching it and learning about it...i know i need to do low carb because carbs are my down fall and i am diabetic so im not supposed to really be eating so much sugar anyway...im thinking by feb ill have nixed carbs like bread carbs anyway and just keep taking things a day at a time...

ive been adulting a lot lately...i mean between work and paying bills and all of that im just busy and worn out... did i mention im going to look back into going to the rec center or rva swim..i really need a new bathing suit..so maybe the rec center should be first since it is closer and i can go early in the morning...but anyway ..errands and food shopping and bills and doc appointments...my bp is getting more under control but of course bp is related to weight and my weight needs to come down...

really i want to have more energy and be able to ride the rides at disney world when we go..i know this probably makes me completely shallow but i do want to ride the rides and not feel embarrassed...that is what i want with my entire being .. i mean there is of course more things that i want like being able to wear my clothes correctly and not have to by bigger sizes because i keep gaining weight ..no i have plans ..a lot of plans and at the middle of it all is losing weight ..a.nd surprisingly it is all coming from me..not someone outside of me telling me what to do...or telling me how to be or anything ...this time ...for the first time this is me and my ideas and my wants and my plans...im scared i will go overboard but i have sarah to keep me sane ..and ill talk about it with britney too...but i just know that i have to do this ...i have to be able to adopt a baby at some point and have the energy to keep up with him or her...i need to strengthen my body because even getting sarah up is starting to drain me and i need to be able to do that ... there are so many little pieces that are commenting together to make a big picture and i have so much to plan for and well live for ...

because it is constantly on my mind i know i have already decided but i am still in the planning stage..i need more info..i need a plan..a starting plan..and a starting place..

Promotion

I started off the new year by putting in my application for a promotion...i heard back a few days later and was able to accept the promotion pending a background and drug test of course...and it comes with a raise!!!

i am waiting for those to come back in as the weather has been suckish and so i was a little late with the whole drug test thing...

all that being said i am actually starting back in the pharmacy tomorrow ! IM so nervous and scared about it...I know the people who work back there but I dont know them like i know the front store people...im used to the front store..i know what the expectations are ..what im supposed to do and everything..but in the pharmacy i feel like im a fish without water...i dont know them and im not comfortable with them...ive worked back there a couple days but nothing like what ill be starting tomorrow...and so i am nervous and already feeling lonely...

i know ill get used to it with time...but it is so hard starting something new..being with new people and having to find where i fit in with them..im not the most talkative but i do like being talked to ..and i guess i have to remember that they do not know me either...so it is rough..

Either way i start full time tomorrow in the pharmacy and the other side of that is that i have to retake the pharmacy classes and do a lot of online classes and stuff too and that is anxiety producing all on its own...i know i can do it ..but having to do all that work all over again and it makes my brain hurt...i plan to complete all the work and of course test for my national certification..this is important to me because my goal is to work with the robots at the hospital and to do that i need my national certification...

i have so many plans you know...so many opportunities with this...this is the first time in a very long time that i have gotten a promotion...and im just shy of my 3 month mark at my current job..

my faith in myself is shaky at best ..so this is a big big deal.

i hope i manage tomorrow...i really do...

Hello 2018

well 2017 came to a close a couple days ago and 2018 is here to stay.

i honestly feel like last year came with a lot of growth and understanding and experiences.

I feel like i rejoined the land of the living for the first time in my life with the help of the correct medications.  i feel like i have grown in the understanding of who i am and made new friends because of it.  I tried new things, went to new places, got a freaking car! lost people, gained people, and continued to live throughout the process of well everything..

My hope is that 2018 will continue to allow my to grow and keep learning to understand and accept myself as i am.

I am good enough, I am loved, I have friends and a partner who accept me.  I would say I am starting the year off on the right foot.  It may be a slightly shakey foot, but well Im starting.

“And God said, ‘Love thy enemy,’ so I obeyed him, and loved myself.” – Kahlil Gibran