work woes ... :(

i am feeling very angry..and upset and well ive stopped crying but yes i was ready to put in my two week notice at work today..well on wed when i go back...i honestly told t that i spazzed out at the hotel yesterday and wouldnt leave..i told my job i was still out of town this morning..and that was the end of it i thought...when we got home today..i had a message from work saying that my time off request for tomorrow was not approved and that i would be on the schedule...i told her again that i had doctors appointments tomorrow and couldnt come in..and so i wouldnt be there..ok skip ahead and im told i need to call the director and talk to her about it because i technically didnt turn in my time off request. on friday before i left to go out of town..all of them had already left the office and i just forgot to write it and give it to them..so i left it on the stove in the kitchen..i forgot to call on monday and ask the supervisor to turn it in for me..so im told today that my request will be accepted...i call and talk to the director after being asked who i turned in my time off request to..obviously they got it..but whatever..i call the director and tell her that i cant come in tomorrow and apoligize for having to have today off...im told that i show no respect to them..im told i didnt call out two hours in advance this morning when i have the calls on my phone...i called at 5:45am...2 hours in advance of my 7:45 shift..they say i called in only an hour in advance...the conversation ends with her telling me that she will talk to me on wed when i come in... why am i getting a talking to? im not a child? the entire thing upset me to the point of tears...i was ready to put in my two weeks notice and be done with it...but of course i had t today and so she injected some rational thoughts into the mix..like they are following procedure and what not...so by the time i left i agreed to go on wed and see what happens...t told me that if i need her later in the week to call her..but im feeling so confused..every time i think about what has happened..i get angry...i dont want to be there...at the same time it is a job and i am expected to suck it up and deal with it like an adult...t mentioned that sometimes the kids react to adult situations and then im left to clean up the mess that may be the fall out...which then made me tell her that i wasnt talking to her anymore..with lots of pouting and whining and almost an all out tantrum (which did not help my case either) dang she read me like a book today and i hate when she does that..i hate when she gets logical too..and the pouting and upset feelings are returning...blah..i dont understand why i am reacting so strongly to this ... am i overreacting ?? am i wrong ? im not sure i want to know if im wrong...the annoyed pouty one doesnt want to be told she is wrong..she wants to walk in and quit...the adult me cas see the procedures and stuff in place and its like ok..maybe i was wrong and didnt follow protical and so i have to be written up..but again i dont like feeling like im in trouble..or on pens and needles at my job...t knows that but like my sister and mom dont ..and i cant explain it to them..well i cant with my mom..im frustrated and feeling incredibly impulsive...my body shakes with the need to do something ..anything..so im sitting here writing ..knowing that is not what is wanted..i have to keep it together...i think..i have to see what wed will bring but again..this is one of the things that you cant tell me about and then leave me alone with my thoughts..your going to talk to me ok..but in my head ive been fired three different ways, and killed, and all sorts of stuff....ugh...i dont know what to do...

RIP Bounce

I found out today that Bounce died at some point this weekend :(   i knew she had been acting a bit different..but i thought she was still adjusting to the new kitten..i was going to take her to the vet when i got back..but its to late now :(  i feel sad and upset and sad... i didnt get to say goodbye..ill never see her again ..

i got bounce in 2010 ...she made it to 7... she has moved with me numerous times...she has lived and been so very loved..she was my friend..shes been with me through so very much..she has dealt with a lot ... i will miss her... i wont forget her. ill never forget her.

Bounce 

2010 - 2016

recap....this week

well..i did it...i asked to be taken off of the schedule for the rest of this week. i actually asked yesterday but i came in today to go to the pumpkin patch (eeewwww)..but im off tomorrow and friday..to catch up on my notes and stuff... tuesday was a really awful day at work and i was just stressed out and worried about work stuff and home stuff and i was ready to cry at work because i was getting so overwhelmed...and they kept threatening to take me off the schedule anyway..so i just asked to be taken off and said i wanted to keep my job..so i have two days to get ALL my notes in...but the break from work seriously relieved A Lot of stress that i was holding on to...and i am able to think more calmly and clearly and stuff ...i have to prepare to go out of town..have tons of errands and things to get done..and so the break is much needed anyway..but yeah..we are so short at work and tempers are high and im getting/feeling more and more like giving up...again..im trying to hang on to the job a bit longer ..but its not a long term thing at all ..not at this point. 

i had to go to a med class today and it was about insulin....now i am diabetic..on pills but not on insulin..i refuse to agree to insulin and it is not a major option for me right now..but in the future it could be and that scares me..but the class today scared me too..ugh..and im sitting in there like crap what in the world am i doing to myself you know? i could do so much better with my health and i dont and i just dont fully understand why either..i mean i can go a couple months at a time but then some brings back the old habits and its a vicious cycle..i dont know...like i know all the stuff to do but i just dont do it..or dont stick with it...ugh frustration...

thats been the past couple days though..a lot going on..and major loads of stress but hopefully that will begin to lessen and ill be off work all next week so time away will be good to..
my brilliant light bulb moment from the past couple weeks ?!?! i do not under any circumstances handle stress well ... i guess ive always known that ..but it was kinda brought back to light when t mentioned making a referral for me to get help with stress management..cas i would swear up and down that im fine and im managing ..but yeah...im soooo not managing...but anyhoo...

oh and the whole no personal time kinda came up again...blah

angry

today i am tired and not feeling good at all..im tired of work already and i just got here. im tired of people not showing up and im tired of being yelled at about stupid stuff...im sick of notes and this building and just all of it...i dont want to be here...why am i staying ? i really wish i could figure out why i am staying here? maybe i think that im supposed to have a job..two jobs to prove that i am capable and able to manage and make it...i dont know...im just worn out ..and frustrated right now...there is no time to catch up and im already really behind ...i cant keep the notes on my computer but they put them on my computer..except for the one i pulled from an email yesterday...but i did them..and i refuse to write them over ...i really do..im already majorly behind and i actually turn in the stupid notes for yesterday and all i get is that i was supposed to hand write one set of notes and i want to scream ... i don't have time to redo a set of notes that i typed just because its been decided that i needed to write them...shouldnt you be happier that i actually did them?  whatever.  my mood is not good today ..im actually feeling angry and i didnt take my meds this morning and im feeling sick and have a headache forming...so im just going to be quiet today and get through the day..and go home

stupid allergies

i feel like death..i sound like death and i cant breathe....fml  i just want to sleep but im dragging myself to work today...ugh

maybe im just lying to myself

maybe im not cut out for work...maybe i just cant manage a work setting or not take things personally...as i watch another coworker prepare to quit..i am feeling depressed...at a lost for what i want to do....how can i just suck at so many jobs ??  yesterday has left me feeling quiet and down and sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...i dont want to go to work..i dont do well in enviroments where i feel like i dont know what is going on..and that is what happened yesterday in an extreme way...i was overloaded...anxious..upset..confused..and felt like i was expected to know what was going on but no one told me anything..all of us ..even the floor supervisior got written up yesterday..and then they have the nerve to ask why we arent more motivated?? i saw the floor supervisor crying again yesterday and i wonder how much longer she will stick around with the way she is treated...i dont like that..not to mention i am sick a lot lately....stomach issues...im at a loss for all of that too..im not eating as badly as i have been..but yeah there is still room for improvement of course...but the nausea is a daily thing again..and i hate it...i dont want to even eat anymore...

im ready for vacation...i need to get away..regroup...just think without worrying about work.

less than two weeks away !

im ready to go now ...

missed therapy this week...to stay late and work on notes..but i talked to anita about why i couldnt come in...im not missing next week.

my brain is fried and its only wed.... i want to hide in bed and not do anything at all.

what am i doing ??

im pasively sabatoging my job..im not doing the notes..i can rightfully be fired for not doing the notes..i could cause alot of trouble for the company for not doing the notes..and what have i still not completely done???my notes...im frustrated and annoyed with myself at this point...and im annoyed ill be written up today...my fault completely ..but still...i dont like it..i gotta get my motivation back..something..ugh

ugh.

my stomach has been awful today..and prolly yesterday to if i think about it..but a lot of cramping and trips to the bathroom..im trying my hardest not to call out of work and just go to the bathroom if i need to..but its so embarrassing going back and forth to the bathroom...ugh..i just want my stomach to get its act together...i hate feeling nauseous more than anything else in the world !

rambling

I need to clear the head a bit and well writing is as good an option as any. I keep thinking about my coworker, who tells me she loves me and gives me loads of hugs, and lets me talk and listens and all of this. she has told me things about her life and things that have happened and why she cares for me and my wellbeing and why she is worried about me. I keep trying to tell her that I am fine and that im okay and managing. Still she tells me that she worries and she figured out the cutting herself, the first day she met me at work. She has a family member that did it and so she knew. I couldnt figure out what she was hinting at when she talked to me at the beginning of the week..but by friday i needed her to spell it out for me. i needed her to say what it was and to hear how she figured it out. i also told the dumbest lie ever about being clumsy and falling alot ..and she listened and then told me to stop lying to her. i worry when she says that she is worried about me harming myself..i worry that if i take what she is offering that i will overwhelm her..that i will run her away..that she will come to hate me..that i will be to much to deal with. a lot of fears popping up..and all of this happens after i mention needing help..i keep thinking that also..i have talked to her mom who told me to hang in there...ive talked to her daughter who has dealt with suicidal feelings and things and she told me to be strong. . people i have never met..who seem to care about me and im the dork questioning why..maybe im just afraid to accept it..to allow myself to really just take it for what it is..to be loved and cared for..the most innocent of conversations has created an avalanche of care and it is a little overwhelming maybe. i want it. gosh i want it but i am afraid. what if she wants something from me? what if she is not trustworthy or hurts me or hates me? so many what -ifs..and i hate what-ifs. i drive myself crazy with what ifs ..she invited me and sarah to the fair..all week i avoided giving her an answer..she husband worked on my car for me today.. and so i asked sarah and we ended up going...and it was fun..i was a bit jealous because i wanted my friend to myself and had to share her with her friends and sarah and her step daughter...but she did take time out to check in with me and give me hugs .. i want to be around her and of course only her ..and i cant help but think about some things t has said to me about my behaviors when it comes to me getting attached and how i want all or nothing..there is no inbetween and something about making them pay for caring for me...hmm i think im getting the wording wrong on that one..but its like i take what they offer and then demand more..or become manipulative in ways to get more attention and stuff..and its like im a leech and im just sucking the person dry..because i dont accept what they are giving for what it is..does that make sense? hmmm .. i dont want to be a leech but i can tell the attachment is trying to form..and i can tell that i want all of her attention..but i dont want her to feel sorry for me..i want more than i can give..and im not entirely sure that is fair..i dont know how to have that equal give and take in a friend relationship..and of course i push these types of relationships into parent mode..or i try to ..and then i become overwhelming and needy..well im already those things but now it is being directed at someone outside of me..and things become a bit murky..blah...but ok.. umm yeah went to the fair...and ate french fries and funnel cake (not all of it) and ate steak on a stick ! lol that amuses me so very much it seems..played a couple games and won a questionable mammal? i thought it was a parrot...it is not a parrot ! but it has no arms and its bring yellow and just umm a little weird . and i got some chicken tenders that went from one side of the paro to the other with me and then walked all the way to the car with me and then drove to the candy store with me and then drove home and switched cars and arrived at home in a bucket so i can eat them :D the chicken tenders have truly experienced life today hehe. but i am worn out..majorly..we have been out ALL day! im gonna lay here and keep thinking about my chicken tenders it seems. i like chicken tenders and things on sticks it seems