its been a long week

sadly it is not over with yet... im just worn out this week..tired and very worn out..i dont know why im so tired this week..but i am..i mean its been gray and rainy all week...storms yesterday that had me on edge...more storms supposed to be coming ... im not feeling great but it could be worse..im super aware of what im eating..and when i am feeling sick...it is so up and down that it is frustrating...i feel like im not doing enough but i dont think my body could do anything else...did i mention im just tired?? ive been like 5 - 10 minutes late every day this week! ugh..

my mood is really down..like im working to be ok at work but even that is hard..im quieter...im no as involved..i want to hide...my anxiety has been up all week..probably not getting paid tomorrow may have something to do with that..but if i dont get paid tomorrow then ill definitely get paid on monday...its just frustrating..and my mood is crazy and i really do just want to hide most of the time..

is it my medicine? is it my stress?  is it my anything ?

i want to keep talking to my co worker and each day a little bit comes out..but im still hiding..and well talking about big things are tiring too...

i have a lot on my mind but i am stuck right now...and just tired...

work..and talking and stuff

you know when i went to work this morning i did not have a plan to talk to my coworker about what has been going on..well more about sarah and our relationship...i could have denied it when she asked...but i didnt ..and she put it together..and it was like oh crap what have i done..and then it was like i trust her...i hope my trust is not misplaced..we spent the day talking off and on about things ..about how mommy doesnt want me to share with anyone and how she acts and stuff with sarah..the day was tiring but talking about hard stuff always makes me feel tired..she didnt push..she talked to me about her daughter and how she accepted her...she asked me if i was depressed and i said yes without really going into detail .. she told me not to be depressed.. that is such a loaded question for me...i wanted to talk to her but gee we were at work surrounded by clients lol..not the time for a heart to heart..i have to be careful not to share to much though...i have to just be careful

depressed

i cant seem to get the depressed feelings to let go of me..im just sad right now and im struggling a lot ...i ffeel like i want to just cry for a good long while but i cant...there are a million things i want to do..well a million things i need to do..there isnt much that i actually want to do these days. im trying..i really am..and until anita mentioned it i wouldnt have said in a million years that i was stressed..but i am..im worrying and thinking on a constant basis. i cant get my thoughts to stop..ive been out of klonopin for a few days and i can feel the tension in my back building..my back hurts..my shoulders hurt...i cant relax because i might forget something..

so much anxiety..so anxious im staying depressed..my thoughts make me sad..and then i just look for ways to hurt myself..i cant keep cutting..and just as quickly that is the only option that occupies my mind...

maybe there isnt any help for me ...maybe i just have to manage and deal and not make a fuss...which means keeping things to myself...which means hiding...which means doing things i shouldnt do..

my thinking is tainted..i feel quiet...very very quiet..but im screaming so loudly in my head..but for what i dont know..

happy birthday

ok so i took an awful picture of the cake .. but im sure everyone knows it says happy birthday! 

i went out and got a cake this morning..and had mcdonalds for lunch and dinner..and had cake and fruit punch... its been a quiet day..playing games, reading, watching movies.. my mood has been up and down big time...ive managed to hurt myself a lot today.. i cant get the thoughts to stop..its so hard to stop once i get going..but now i am laying here..just thinking a bit about things..wondering about things..i told my sister about a day that didnt happen..and that made me sad..i know it will happen at some point..but it didnt happen today.. and thats ok.. but still im drowning in sadness...my day itsself wasnt bad...but i hate feeling so very alone when sarah is just in the other room..but it is like we are worlds apart..both struggling with different things at the same time...

but i have gotten coloring books, and a build a bear, and shopkins, and things for my birthday..oh and alcohol..cant forget the alcohol! havent even opened any of it because my stomach hurts so often..blah ... but i have it ..i dont think i need any more coloring books though!  ive been stocked up on them majorly. :)  but i love all of my books..they are all so different and cool..

i dont know what to really write about..my thoughts are a bit drifty tonight..maybe im just sleepy..and am thinking a little TO much right now..who knows..but maybe sleep soon is a good idea.

rough day

today has been an all around rough day... im so tired of everything...im frustrated and feeling tearful still..ive been crying off and on all day..i cried almost the entire time i was with courtney...i didnt like the doc i had to see this morning ..she wasnt my regular doc and she didnt listen..and i couldnt explain to her what was really going on because i didnt know her...and so it was a waste of an appointment and just frustrated me...seeing courtney when i was already upset and tearful just made it worse..and i started crying..i didnt have an all out bawl fest but i was pretty close..she asked if i needed to go to the hospital...of course i said no...i wouldnt even agree to promise or agree to not cutting...i cant ..not right now..i did say i have no intention of killing myself and that is completely true..i dont ... but i am incredibly depressed..upset..so many things and i dont know what to do with the feelings and so im writing tonight to maybe prevent any other behaviors..ive already binged today..to the point of feeling incredibly sick..maybe i wont take anything else out on myself today...maybe...im not feeling to strongly on that thought right now..it prolly doesnt help that i am feeling so negative and alone .  sarah is back from the hospital which is nice..but it makes me sad feeling so forgotten..and im trying hard not to make it about me and im trying hard to remember that it is something else going on...but i am feeling alone and that just makes me feel worse..and im being quiet and just waiting for something..i dont know...i dont have the energy to go and make conversation when i feel like it is still like talking to someone who isnt there..and my heart breaks just a bit each time there is no recognition...waiting is all there is to do with this i guess..and reporting changes and what not back to the doctor.. so like i said..i will schedule my breakdowns for some week in the far off future i guess..i guess i can break as long as no one knows...

i wonder if i can just sleep through tomorrow?? ill probably pass the day quietly ..not sure what to do with myself ..  maybe i can go to the movies or something..maybe i can just lay here and ignore the day..but i know mommy and nia will call and so i have to find some sort of level ground to be able to talk to them without being asked a million times whats wrong...i cant talk about whats wrong..im not even 100% sure i know whats wrong..but something is wrong...something is very wrong and the only way i know how to deal is to take it out on myself of course..sadly.  im not upset that i cut yesterday..but im sad that i will have new scars .. i sad i feel the need to keep cutting.to manage in silence..to scream as loud as i can and not be heard by anyone...i feel like im fading into the background..

i give up on writing...just talked to the aide and she isnt coming tomorrow which is fine i guess...its not like the day mattered or anything..i just have the day off from work..i guess i will be staying in tomorrow.  happy birthday to me ..yaaaay .. i wish i could explain the emotions that are funneling through me right now...but i cant..i just dont know how to say it..i dont even want to feel it...another birthday that will slip by..yeah  writing is not helping at all..

tonight

tonight i am hurting.  i dont want anyone to listen to me because i dont want to talk.  so im writing instead. it cant take back the cutting but maybe it will calm down some of the thoughts that make me want to continue...i want to search for and find a place of emptiness, a place of quietness..my thoughts have run far away from me today and i am just feeling broken...

i guess i am stressed out...

sarah is in the hospital.they admitted her..they think she has an infection that is causing her to be forgetful..like she was wondering the hospital and didnt know where she was..and they took her to the ER ..and called me and kept calling until i came..i was trying to avoid going honestly..im afraid of hospitals..and her forgetfulness scares me...i dont want to be forgotten..i have a huge fear of being forgotten and so seeing her forget me is really really hard and causes me to react without thinking..i want to yell and scream and cry but i cant ..so instead i cut..i have to make myself strong enough to manage without breaking..i have to fend off my own breakdown to make sure i am available for saarah..and im trying..im trying really really hard...i stayed at the hospital till they took her to her room...i talked to the doctors and just sat with her as she forgot me..

my birthday will be cancelled..if sarah is in the hospital then that is where my attention needs to be ..there is no time for anything else.. so it will be abother day.that i am trying to deal with safely..but again my thoughts have gone to the darkside..and i am struggling to find purpose..or anything to hold on to.

my stomach is bothering me...repeated trips to the bathroom..i missed work again today...im going to be fired if i keep missing work..there are so many more expectations laid on my head..paying wayne back now and not later..bills..saving..all financial stuff coming up and that always causes me to struggle..

im behind in work..my room is a mess..i dont feel good..im tired...im sick..im cranky..

im alone..ad right now i just need the pain..i need something else..i have to make it through the next few days...and i think silence will have to be my friend...silence and pain ...

i didnt tell anita because i was to close to crying..because i didnt know what to say..because i was sad and frustrated and upset and i didnt want to be..because my one time to myself truly was interrupted and i had to leave early which left stuff hanging for me..and so i just feel off balance...i feel vulnerable..and still like crying...i am not suicidal ..but i feel like im really close to walking that line..between being unsafe and being suicidal ...

i think i will just go ahead and take the meds and eat dinner..and lay down..

sarahs aide

i know and fully understand that sarahs aide is for her and what not but i truly do not know what i would do without her .. she checks on me as much as she checks on sarah.  she cooks and cleans and does a ton of stuff for both of us..she loves all of the cats and just is always offering care and support.  it means a heck of a lot.  it really does.

today i am proud

it may be a long long time in coming but today i am proud of myself..very proud of myself actually..i got my bank account paid off and fixed..ive paid all the bills...im going out to a party tonight with sarah and some new friends and i went out yesterday with coworkers.  i have money set aside for  the trip in oct..im feeling ok... i really am feeling ok..even though there are still a lot of feelings and things going on i am trying to make the best of it all..i had fun last night...i know ill have fun tonight..its big big things going on..who knew things would be as they are now???!!!  who knew.. and my birthday is next week so i am trying all the harder to be happy about things.. i want it to be a good day..i want it to be a good week. 

i want tacos :) 


but im also being more careful with my eating..my stomach is calming down..i know today i will be eating pizza and cake and stuff cas of the birthday party and well im included in the birthday celebrations..but im not going to over do it.  im going to try not to over do it lol... the thoughts of cutting come and go..but right now it seems i am looking for neutral terriorty with all the behaviors..im back on all of my meds...im going to work..im feeling ok..im doing stuff..little bits of stuff but still..im making friends..

i passed all the tests i had to take last week... i plan on catching up with my notes tomorrow so that i can start the week off right ! 

im feeling more positive.  i hope it sticks around. 

just thinking ..random things

i think i have been a little afraid to write since what i wrote the other day..i think i am waiting for the backlash...thinking about it i probably should have asked anita to call me after she read it or got it or whatever..i could have called her but i guess ive just been a little bit nervous about it all..and i can tell my eating is gradually slowing down from what it has been...good thing or bad thing..i truly have no idea..it really could just be that my stomach hurts so often that eating is just not high on the list of things to do...im eating smaller amounts but drinking a lot still..but i pretty much always prefer to drink things ..im always thirsty.

work has been stressful in its own way this week..ive been stuck doing tests and things for work and they are long and dull and boring..and i spend 8 hours stuck in an office staring at the walls..ugh..it is painful..

my current obsession is chicken tenders from martins...actually any food from martins ..but mostly i just get breakfast and chicken tenders for lunch..i truly am going to turn into a chicken one of these days..

things are fine with sarah of course ..we are talking a lot about my birthday and things..and what i want to do..im going out with my coworkers on friday for drink and dinner for my birthday..and then saturday sarah and i are going to a little birthday party meetup type thing...and then i have off next wed for my birthday. :)  i think im probably going to get myself some new books and movies and maybe a pair of sneakers ... my feet have been hurting so i think that is a logical thing..and im going to cash in my jar of change and maybe get some little toys from target..i want to go look back in target hehe.

it was my secret

it was my secret..mine..i was supposed to keep it..and never say anything about it..i was supposed to keep it safe and protect it and now someone else knows and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crying.. i shouldnt have said anything .. i really shouldnt have and it would have stayed a secret..

secrets can kill you..do you know that??  secrets can eat away at your insides until there is nothing lefts and then you just die and no one will care. you will be dead and no one will even know why.

go away, leave me alone

you didnt answer the question.  i didnt answer the question.  but that is answering the question.  saying nothing. refusing to answer. is like saying yes anyway. but i cant say yes.  that is bad. that is wrong.  that is dangerous.  people die from eating disorders.  people are sick and end up in the hospital from those.  its not about food.  its about control and power and thinking and feeling.

be quiet

how many times have you refused to eat ? how many times do you eat until you are sick?  how many years have gone by of carefully doing everything you can to get out of eating or to hide what you are eating or to pretend that you arent eating?  how many times have you planned it, what to eat, how to throw up just to dull out some feeling.  how many ways can you convince yourself that you are not destorying yourself one way or another.  do you hide from eating in front of other people?  do you feel like you are being watched and judged from eating?  would you not eat if it meant being liked more?  how far are you willing to go to be like everyone else?? how far do you honestly tell yourself you would go to be like everyone else?  the pills, the cutting, the hate, the shame, the guilt...why?  why are you willing to die to be what everyone else needs you to be ? the games, the i can do it better than you. i can destroy myself and i know how. i know how to do it and let it go unnoticed..ive thought about it..planned it..wanted it so so so very badly..to just go away..to just be invisible..to be silent but loved.  to be perfect in every way.  but i kept failing. i kept getting hurt. i kept believing i didnt want it enough. i wasnt trying enough. why couldnt i just be like everyone else.  im not pretty enough. im not happy enough. im not loved enough. so you keep your secrets locked up tight where no one can see how awful you are. how bad you are.  no one cas see how evil and horrible and unlucky you are.  but i can see..i can always see and no matter how many times i cut or starve or throw up or hurt myself or deny myself or hate myself..it doesnt go away.  it stays..it hides.  it pretends. it makes me believe i can be this person that doesnt exist. and i keep believing and i keep failing and i keep punishing because there is no other way.   take away all of this and im not sure i will exist anymore..maybe i never existed. there is nothing to me. just broken pieces of someone who died a long time ago and there is nothing left..whispering shadows of a very sad child, yells and screams of a very angry teenager, endless thoughts and whispers about life and living and things that are unattainable ..

you find a place where no hope exists and that is where you will find me.  lost.  stuck. afraid.

i hate you
and now you have gone and screwed up
watch what happens
just watch
you are to much to handle
you cant be helped

you will be thrown away

might as well do it yourself you know.

see what happens ..

i dont want to write. .

my thoguths are all over the place..my nerves are all over the place..im feeling quiet and sad and worried and to many things to even list. .. therapy left me a mess last week and im still not sure why..today im remembering that t said she is looking for another job ... just kill me know on that one..i regret talking to her if she is leaving :( i dont want to talk to her if she is leaving :(  

im laying down willing my stomach to hurt..willing anything to hurt ..so i dont have to go to work tomorrow..i think ive been gone so long that coming back is going to be hard...and nerve wrecking..and did i mention hard..but its a job..i have to remember that..it is only a job...it is not going to make or break me..i truly just want to make it through the end of the year and then we will see... but my motivation to succeed is back it seems...i have a lot of work ahead of me though...a lot of catching up to do..but my goal is still to keep my stress levels down...i have to...

mommy, nia, rob, and noa and back from vacation...i was worried about them and missed them...not that im telling them that..i told mommy i was concerned about her well being with being gone so long ...yeah..smooth move lol..im so silly at times...the same way i got really excited to see my doc the other day and then had to calm myself down and remind myself i dont like her...but i do like her..im just afraid to like her..ugh..the same way i like courtney and jane and anita but i cant tell them that... blah

we are going out to a movie and dinner today...i should get up but im still laying here because now im tired and want to take a nap..and playing sims...definitely playing sims ...

update sorta

ive been sick..since i guess that is the biggest news...sick and tired and achy and barfy and just kinda all around worn the heck out...maybe that is it..all the stress and worries and everything going on just made me sick..and i need to calm my nerves before i end up sick forever or something...i gotta de-stress a bit better...i know stress does contribute to my stomach issues..not eating right contributes to them also...so im working on both of those...i mean this week has been pretty low key with no work outside of the house...i have been helping sarah during the day but its not like im doing a lot...so i spend a lot of time laying down..napping..playing on the computer...i maybe should write a little bit more as there is still loads on my mind about various different things..various worries and concerns and fears..

therapy yesterday left me feeling sad..broken..anxious..i wish i had a better grasp on what we talked about that caused the shift but im not 100% sure..maybe all of it made me sad i dont know..

sick

today i am sick..like trying not to move or i feel like barfing sick..my stomach is not happy and it has been a lot of running back and forth..my body is tired.. i am tired ... and i hate feeling this badly