Sick

Heyy
I have been pretty quiet , ended up going to the ER yesterday bout the chest pain because it got worse... I'm not having a heart attack....luckily...gave me pain meds and sent me home..said it was maybe a pulled muscle or something...on top of having major stomach issues..it's been a crappy couple days..literally..I'm reduced to saltines, soup and ginger ale...I did eat a pbj a little while ago and my stomach is not happy..I'm just worn out from it all. A lot of time laying down..going to try to get the pain meds filled tomorrow. Maybe they will help...I just,feel crummy.And gross ..

Feelings

Stuck in my head...sad thoughts and feelings..cranky..irritable..quiet..wanting to have silence..distancing myself..some thoughts of harming..Just feeling off..very unsettled and tense..can't relax ..overwhelmed..tearful..sorry for being me..headaches and not wanting to eat..angry..down..I'm feeling invisible...lost and alone...lonely..tired..exhausted..I don't know

So much in my head

I really wish I could listen to music right now..but I can't so I'll try to write and not get lost in my thoughts.... the depression is getting bad again...I feel tired..I feel off..I feel like crying...I feel down...really down...I'm at home we are leaving Saturday morning..it's storming currently so leaving now would have sucked anyway...mommy was only around for a few hours and still I got overwhelmed, defensive, upset...but she is out of town now and still I can't seem to relax...I don't know

But good news for a.change..I have a place to live

A real address...an apartment with Sarah...soon we will have more privacy...more space..And we will be together...we would out for sure yesterday..the lease will be signed on April 1st...And then I'll be back on Richmond for good by May,1st... finally

Kai is doing good..he has grown a lot !! But he still remembers me..he is such a good cat...super energetic but good...And bounce is super chill And good

Well

My anxiety has been increasing lately...I'm worrying about a lot of things and its happening more at night.. and then I end up having trouble sleeping.. I did start back on the wellbutrion today...at a lower dose than I was before...so will see how it goes.. I'm a little nervous because I don't remember how I handled taking it last time or what side effects popped up if any...so I'm trying to be careful...
I'm still having stomach issues and that just depresses me...my stomach is back to constantly hurting...and going back and forth to the bathroom is a pain...I hate it...

Not feeling so great

My stomach is acting up again...back to being a gross mess from multiple bathroom trips...I'm worn out...and feel weak like my body is going to give out...I'm tired and can't sleep but I did take a nap earlier... I feel awful that I'm just laying around and can't hold on to energy enough to get anything done...I feel nauseous and my stomach seriously hurts...and I'm just sick of looking at the bathroom.. OK whining over with.. I'm just gonna lay back down

Things

Today and yesterday have been really long days...busy days..And I'm not sure if I am completely processing things...we talked to the case manager about me being here into  the new agency is in place..And it is a big responsibility...a big thing to do...I have to be careful that I don't get burned out or startt to feel so tired that I no longer want to help...I guess that means I just need to do self care and not keep things bottled up...I have to be idealistic about what I can do and not try to be super woman and move heaven and earth to get things done...I'm not doing it to be recognized or anything..I agreed to stay way back when things started to look sketchy...I am here ..I will,stay...its just I feel bad for needing space at times or having  mood issues and shut down..or being a spazz and crying for some unknown reason..ughh..it will work out...it has too..it's going to. I have to be confident..I'm trying to be confident and not dwell on things mommy tell me...My life is slowly becoming more stable....I feel safe at Sarah's...I have a small steady paycheck...soon we will be moving..around may...Im  going to get kai in a couple weeks and bringing him back with me..much to bounces horror...I really need to get kai fixed..essh...I'm going home with Sarah for a couple days to get kai and all of that...

I'm feeling more or stable ground I guess...the depression has eased a bit...things don't look so bleak right now...I'm trying...I think I'm looking for validation...Maybe that's what it...Just reassurance that I'm doing ok...that I'm making good choices...that I don't need to be afraid...I don't know...

Some days I just get so tired of being me...

Had a falling out again with mommy..I knew the peace wouldn't last...I'm just left feeling so left out and worthless..I'm really down..And so very tired..

I'll  be restarting a med either Friday or Monday...Maybe it will  help lift me out of this overwhelming depression..it hurts to talk..to engage..I want to be alone but that's not possible..I was honest with Sarah about wanting to cut..but I haven't done it...the desire is there but the energy to go through with it is not...

I've been reading a lot today..trying to keep busy..bounce has been close to me a lot..Sarah to..I'm just struggling and I hate it...

a lot of changes

im not even sure where to start on the amount of things that are changing....ill be moving back to richmond before october and living with sarah...we are apartment hunting now...that is a happy happy set of news that i will be able to move back and find another job up here..vs lookin for one in nc..i will miss haning out with courtney and marley and the boys but yea i do better away from home...im still working on becoming more self sufficient..im working and slowly am able to see ow ill be able to save...right now money is needed for moving ..and once that is taken care of i will save for a new computer and then for the trip in sept to Illinois ...

things got bad with the aides and the company last week and so they are gone now...but that means i am here...and being here doesnt bother me...im still really upset that it was assumed that i would be here and able to do the stuff that needs to get done...i told sarah i would stay until the aide thing is worked out...but this past week as exhausted me...in so many ways...a lot of angry feelings...

mommy is still being nice when i talk to her...no pushing or talks about what im eating or not eating or where my money is going ... so that is good but weird...im still waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...but its been a little over a week and things are still civil...

i did ask to see the med doc though and we are going to look at my medicine on monday and make some changes...im nervous about that..i hate med changes ..but what im on now isnt really working ... and have been feeling more suicidal and stuff..so looking at them will be a good idea.

i do miss kai and hopefully will get to see im soon..but i know mommy and courtney are looking after him for me....

im working hard to use my coping skills.  ive been coloring a lot and even went for a walk one evenin when i was royally pissed off...i havent been cutting or anything

i am feeling a little down today so i am taking it easy...

Angry

Very very angry and struggling to calm down...took some meds and am finally able to think a little bit more calmly.. did some  writing and listened to music ..but still angry...

One of Sarah's aides has been yelling at her and she didn't show on monday and now she has pretty much quit..but the supervisor has only talked to the aide and is coming on Monday to see and talk to Sarah about what is going on...the aide has been waiting till I'm not around to say things.to Sarah and that pisses me off..the fact that the supervisor is saying it was a miscommunication pisses me off..the fact that the aide is taking personal days tomorrow and Monday and no back up person is being sent pisses me off...I'm sick of them assuming that I'm  here and will do it...the supervisor said nothing about someone coming in....

I am so angry and frustrated and they really all must think I am stupid..or have forgotten that I have a degree and I've done in home and personal care...I know what is supposed to  happen and this company is failing miserably...they have made one to many excuses now...I won't let it continue...