but i was having a chat today at work about food and stuff..and i mentioned that most evenings we dont eat dinner due to being asleep majorly early...no big deal to us you know..but the lady we talked to was like thats not good..you need to eat..and i just looked at her...i mean i eat..today it was just apples. pringles. and a candy bar...majorly healthy i know..and i really do want pasta which is a big deal if i am craving pasta..cas i normally wont eat it..but now i dont feel like cooking or going to the store or anything..its difficult when we are having the issues with food..because it becomes a refusal to eat anything but a few things and thats it..like the kids only want apples with caramel or the cut up apples..and thats all..or a sandwich..or some other type of fruit..or else we are at the other end where its just massive amounts of fast food and thats all...ugh..its frustrating..it is..and i know its happening as a replacement for the cutting..but just dont know how to deal..like i know i need to go home and cook dinner..a real dinner..or make something to eat..but all i want to do is go home and lay down and go to sleep...thats it...
self sabotage sucks big time...i know we are doing it..and i know what
the outcome will be..but still i just cant seem to deal with it and
control it and fix it or make it better...because somewhere in the back
of my mind i just keep reminding myself that im not cutting..that ive
stopped cutting..that i cant go back to cutting...but the urges to hurt
and the need to hurt is still there and its still coming out just in a
different way...its really hard to explain to someone that when i say i
dont like myself i truly mean i dont like myself..and im not playing
around or joking..but a lot of the time i dont think ppl believe
me..they tell me i have so much to be happy for...or that i should smile
more.. but its not me you know..if im sad then thats just it ..im
sad..and no amount of smiling or trying to be any other way is going to
make it any better...but then i guess thats why i dont tell ppl that i
dont like myself..the disbelief is sometimes to much to handle and deal
with..i have enough of my own..i dont need or want to deal with anyone
elses...
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