i keep thinking that it is time to put on my big girl panties and get a grip on my life...start doing more..stop letting the fear control me..its little changes that have been going on..but i want more than that you know...i want to live and be involved and just BE more than i am..i want to grow and change and more than anything else. i just want to be happy..
ive had time to really think about the thing that happened at nias with sissy..and i feel sorry for the boys..my nephews..i dont know what is wrong with sissy or what is going on in her mind..but unfortunately i cant do anything about that..i can support nia and i can support the boys..and i dont have to agree with a thing that sissy is teaching those boys...it just hard knowing that at any moment they can be taken away again and we will never see them...gosh they just got back into the family but now due to sissys issues they may be taken away again..and that is hard..and sad..and disappointing..
and ive had time to think about the trip in general..and well it was a good trip..but again my meds and just stress and not feeling great got in the way...my scars got in the way...i worked so darn hard to hide my arms from mommy..because they are so messed up right now...and i am ashamed of them..but more than that i just didnt want to have to answer her questions and listen to her accusations..i didnt want to deal with it..and so i worked hard to keep my arms at my sides and to avoid her looking at me to closely...but it is so stressful to do that..to have to work so so hard to hide it and not acknowledge it..and i wish i didnt care so much..i really wish that i didnt...but i do..and so i am extra vigilant when i am around her...can we say ptsd went into over drive??!!! but managed...and it was overall a good trip..i do like spending time with my sister and i really do wish that we lived a bit closer..i like talking to her and hanging out with her and just being around her..even with me being all weird and off and boring...but yes i did my family visit for the next few months...i do have to go home home soon for car stuff that will need to be taken care of..blah..but i dont think ill be staying at home..i dont know..ill visit but i dont think ill stay...im still not ok at all with mommy and am still having a hard hard time managing with being around her and keeping myself safe and sane...how sad is that?? but yeah..such is life..
and i reminded mommy about my trip to cancun in oct..and she actually told me that i needed to ask permission...i told her i did not have to and i meant that...i didnt ask her for permission to go..im not a child..i told her i could go where ever i wanted to go..and she said i needed to ask permission..and i really truly think she meant it...what sense does it make for me ..a 28 year old women..to ask for freakin permission to take a trip? a trip that she is not paying for or involved in at all..but she wants me to ask if its ok to go? no. im not doing that. i didnt do that. and when it is time to go i will be going. thats all.
i want to live my life for me you know..and im trying so hard to not let her keep controlling me..ok some days i try really hard to not let her control me ..but it is hard and scary and makes me so unsure of myself...but at the same time i have to learn to stand on my own and deal with my own stuff..and deal with my own stuff..unfortunately she is not the mother i need now .. she wasnt the mother i needed growing up..and its just hard to figure out what kind of relationship will work with her..i just am not sure ..i know i want a mother figure..but its not her...its really not...and that does make me feel sad...really really sad....but i will have to deal with that also and somehow get over it..or move past it..i dont know ...
july is a hard month for me...especially towards the end of the month/beginning of aug...anniversaries and what not..guilt shame..fear...yeah..july is a hard hard month...
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