yesterday was not a good day...

yesterday was really hard,..i wanted to die to put it simply and if i had been alone i prolly would have tried ... head was just not together at all yesterday..and i was hurting and sad and just not even sure what was driving the thoughts...i didnt cut..go figure..but i wanteed to die..i dont know..i spent most of the day at the office trying to work on paperwork...and i did get part of it turned in...still have some to do..pdoc didnt call me back yesterday.and neither did my therapist...which is why i jsut came home and went to sleep..this is all i do now ...see my clients and then sleep...thats all i can seem to manage...

i
cant
do
this
anymore

hurt....

once again i end up hurt and feeling wrong to stand up for myself...im not sorry ..i am sad though...i cant have someone else messing up my acct..and then to just get lied to about it makes it hurt even more..the fact that i am blamed for hurting and accusing her hurts...but i am going to have to get over it..

and try as i might...getting over it is not easy..because tonight for the first time in a while i really considered whether or not i would benefit from being in the hospital..like seriously admitted to the hospital because i cant deal with anything else..because i am so sad that i dont know what to do with myself..because everything hurts and all i want to do is sleep and not have to deal with anyone or anything...because i am struggling and i don't know how to make it better...i dont know what im doing anymore..and if i lay down and go to sleep and ignore my paperwork..i may be freaking fired..and im not even sure i completely care..i just want to be left alone..i want everyone to just forget about me and let me die in peace

you know what...i can be the bigger person ...

yes im still angry...but more sad that angry now..and more hurt that i was lied to about the whole thing..i did what i needed to do and ill be getting both phones back within the next week and that will be the end of it..

i will be working hard to let this go..because it did not cost me anything..it just messed up my account a little bit...so ok..ill stop it from happening again..and lesson has been learned...

i may be quiet but i am not stupid ..and i have all of my accounts sending stuff to my email...so yes i am well aware when there is a change on my account that i didnt make..and no i am not ok with it...but it is what it is..and i am working on fixing it..so it will not get anymore of my energy...it will not...

i cant keep letting ppl pull me down into there drama..and so i will go back to being careful...no more being at my house or any of that...trust is gone..cas this is the second time my information has been taken by this clients family..so no im not feeling very trusting of any of them right now...i cant cut off contact but i can protect myself..and i will..

im sick of this shit happening...my kindness and helpfullness being taken as me being stupid and blind...i may not want confrontation but i dont want my stuff messed with or taken from me....i can do bad all by my damn self and i dont need any help in that department....i most certainly dont...so the goal i guess is to move past this..show that i am stronger them all of them..i will get my stuff back and no more loaning it out...simple fix...so yes its over and done with...

highly pissed the hell off ....

you know i go out of my way to help other people and it makes me upset when someone takes my kindness and thinks im stupid or that i am going to allow myself to be walked all over....i had been letting someone use my extra phone becuase they needed a phone..and didnt have one ...i didnt ask them to pay anything ..i just asked not to take the minutes over board..and it was ok...nothing major...

but today out of no where..i get an email that says i have just ordered a new phone..and its like what the hell no i didn't..so i look at the information from my account and then call the phone company because first of all the phone is not coming to me..its going to her house...i asked for it to be canceled and it cant be done..i call her and ask her what happened and she doesn't know what happened..or who called in pretending to be me..or who had enough of my information to get another phone ... and that is not ok...and im angry and pissed off because now its like ok who has my information..and if im told that two females were on the line talking about lost and stolen phones..what am i supposed to think?   after spending forever on the phone with the phone ppl they are trying to get the phone mailed to me instead so that i can send it back ... but its just a freaking hassle and once again my information is being used for something i did not approve at all ..and im being lied too about it too..

so yes im really angry right now...and once again i have learned that sometimes i just dont need to be nice and volunteer anything at all...becuase i get burned in the end...

drained

i want to write but i truly dont think i have any words left to say..ive worked very hard to ask for support this week from friends.and i feel like i just complained a lot..its hard asking for help..hard admitting that i even need help...i did make an appointment to see linda next week though..in addition to the new lady..

my head is feeling scattered all over right now..and i know im just tired and will be sleep soon...its about to storm anyway..but ive already taken my meds so i know ill be sleep soon..

sometimes i just get tired of thinking and worrying..which is prolly why i took extra meds yesterday because i wanted to make sure i just slept and didnt think..i didnt do that today..but i cant say that the thoughts arent there a bit...little whispering that i can just escape for a little while..it would be so easy...blah..the doc will stop giving me that med if i tell im taking it wrong..geesh..it took me forever to get it..and really if she knew how much i liked the med ..she would prolly stop giving it to me..but ill deal with that later...im tired of dealing with things...i really do just want to sleep,,,

im not quite ready to write about my sister and feelings about all of that and this day and ugh..it just makes me sad..

work was helpful today with getting me out of my head..and i just hugs and snuggles from my almost child :) and that did make me feel a little better too..

so now the goal is to make it through the weekend and make it in one piece..i really want to sleep the weekend away but im going to try to get out .. depending on how im feeling...the need to hide and keep myself contained may keep me trapped at home this weekend..i dont know..

its friday..the weekend..and im ready to fall asleep..yes my life is so exciting..blah

things are just...

i try hard not to cry..lesson learned when i was younger..so it takes a lot to get me crying...but yesterday i guess things just got to be to much..and i cried for a while..of course this happens when i am on the way to work and its like trying to pull it together and still get to work in one piece when i have completely broken down and just want to disappear in my head...yesterday wasnt a good day..this whole week has been a lot of not so good days..still feeling down..suicidal..not cutting though...i thiink im past the area of wanting to feel something..now i dont want to feel anything...im not feeling stable enough to interact with anyone at all..but i still have to work..some how i have to get myself together and figure out what is going on in my head...when i can think clearly ..i know that i am not evil or satanic or possessed or any of that...but i am easily led to doubt..and once i begin doubting..anything is possible..and that fuels the suicidal part of things...i think bible study last night is just it for a while with the whole church thing...church has left me disappointed, hurt, afraid..maybe it was just some of the people in church..maybe it was just that i dont agree with a lot of what is said..but my faith is no higher now than when i started..my feelings of fear and inadequacy are a lot higher though..because thoughts of  what is wrong with me plague me...what did i do wrong?  how did i manage to fail yet again at something?  i tried to get support and it didnt work..i was judged quickly and harshly...and continued to be judged and condemned for my behaviors..i was told i didnt care..that i wasnt trying..but really it took a lot to get me to go to church..it took a lot to get me to ask for help and support..it took a hell of a lot to keep going and trying...but my slip ups..my backsliding i guess was just not tolerated in some peoples eyes..and my struggle became my downfall..it didnt matter that i have years of abuse and hurt and whatnot to work through..it didnt matter and i was actually told i was wrong to feel upset with god...my unsteady faith was called out more than once and i was told i wasnt trying..i wasnt participating..how can i particpate when i feel nothing there..im still afraid in church..i still struggle with feeling like i am an adult in when im in church..and then there are days i go to church feeling off, sad, upset, and leave feeling confused and even more lost...

i have talked about it..i may have problems with communicating but this issue is one that i have expressed and expressed again because i am very hurt by it..i am internalizing what i have heard..and it is causes a lot of conflict inside of me...i want to hang on to the little bit of support i did get..but in order to keep myself safe and to try to get back on stable ground i know i need to stop going...me and mental illness is not accepted there and even though i work so hardd to hide it and work so hard at pretending to be happy and ok and in control .. im not..yes i cut..yes i get depressed..yes i isolate and find numerous ways to hurt myself .. no i dont like or love myself..crap im lucky if im having a day where i can just manage to tolerate myself ... i had agreed to try the church..to help get myself out ...to help with meeting new people..and i put myself out there with the pastors wife..and once again i am to much to handle..she told me she would never forsake me but she did..she told me that i wasnt going to talk to me, that she would ignore me..that i didnt care and wasnt trying..i dont like being called sick or crazy or being told that i need to be in the hospital..i may struggle but i still function most of the time...i mean crap i have been considering if i do need to be in the hospital..just because i am struggling so very much right now..and i try to get my feelings out..and talk to people who do understand where i am coming from..like nia and yvonne and eleni..who feel upset about how i am being treated and what is being said to me..they all agree that not going back is what the best step is for my well being...

i have decided finally not to go back..but it is not a firm decision.. as much as i want to say that i am going to protect myself..and stay away from a place that hurts me..and confuses me..i dont know what is going to happen...i am going to at least talk to jessica about it next week and let her know that i will not be coming back to church...because she tried to help me and listens to me..and i want her to know that i tried...but its not working out for me..i dont need any help at all in the feeling crazy dept...i dont need any help doubting myself or how i am feeling or where i am at on my path of recovery.healing/whatever...it has taken me to long to get where im at now to have it all crumble and for me to move so far backwards...i feel like i cant cope..im tearful and afraid and unsure of myself..and that is not ok...not when the feelings are being driven by current interactions and words...the past stuff i can deal with and know..but the new stuff..the new stuff hurts me in a way that i have not been hurt since living at home...and i dont want to go through that again...i cant go through that again..

i just continue to break apart..more and more..i try to move up and get pushed back down..and my feelings of being a failure come back ten times stronger..i wanted this to work..i tried..i did try...but still it wasnt enough...i wasnt fixing myself fast enough...i wwasnt good enough..

this week my days have consisted of wanting to hide..or run away..or die..i havent cut surprisingly..but that is just a thin thin line i am walking...

lets just make this week even better and ill say that today is the day my sister died so long ago...july was already a hard hard month for me...but things just became worse instead of better..and i feel like i am just dangling on a stirng ..waiting for the one thing that is gonna break it..and i will be gone...

im all out of hope..im all out of positiveness..im all out of everything right now..

if i didnt have to work today i would stay home...being out and around ppl is making me fearful right now..

and im tired...i do get tired of fighting..of trying to keep myself alive when it feeels like the world is against me..and that my trying to deal and hang on and get better is just not enough..and the feelings from before come up and i believe i would be better off dead..that i am just a waste of space..that something is very wrong with me..that there is no hope for me...and then i dont know what to do with myself..my ability to fight the thoughts decrease by the day..and im just sad and broken...thats all ..

just a fort

not feeling very safe
vulnerable
exposed
hurt
tired..so very tired

so church...still confused

i did go to church last night..and im not  feeling very positive about it...there were some mental illness/demon spirit conversation and i dont like that...

because im a sucker for self torture..im not ready to give up yet on some of the people in the church..but i will keep my distance from the pastors wife..because im not sure what to say to her..and she really did hurt me big time with what she said..but there are others there who i do want to get to know better....but no i most likely will not be staying at the church..but i want to talk to jessica about it..i really want to know where she stands..and maybe its just i want to hear from her that she does not agree with everything that is being said..i dont know...

feeling a bit down this morning about things..but trying to find something to be positive about...

im not sure...im not sure at all how i am feeling...
but i am not going to cut..the urge for that is lessened a lot right now...

tired...and still so very hurt

i just cant seem to fully process all that happened over the weekend and the message i got on monday...i feel hurt..and betrayed and dismissed and yes my feelings have been validate by others..but at the same time im fighting hard to take responsibility for all of it.and its not my fault...i think ive gotten upset to the point of crying but the tears dont come..instead i just sit and think and wonder about what is wrong with me..what have i done wrong? i know deep deep down inside that i am not at fault..that my behavior should not condemn me...but in my head..i have been judged, condemned, and found guilty all in one go...i have interalized what she said big time..and as much as i may have tried not to ..i have..and so i am having a hard hard time letting go of the guilt and blame and shame ..

i saw the pdoc today and told her some of what was going on...no med changes currently but i think there will be one soon..or the next time i see her...but in the process of talking to her..she decided that she needed to get me in to see a therapist because it was an emergency...and so i ended up seeing a new therapist today...not sure yet what i think about her..but she was ok to talk to..and i have an appointment to see her next week ..so will see how it goes...i think the not having a reg therapist really is affecting me mor than i care to admit..i mean yes i am standing on my own two feet and managing ..but when i get knocked down..i stay down..and the past couple weeks i have just been knocked down..and im not bouncing back from it..im still down..and sad ..and wanting to die..the feelings dont go away..anymore..and i feel so stuck and trapped and alone..not ok...all i do is sleep and zone out..and drift away...and go to work but dont do the paperwork..which is screwing with my paycheck..

ugh...im just all out of positive everything right now...
am loving the new bear..she makes me feel a little bit happy and a little bit at peace..
but the real world is still out there..waiting for me..and im learning more and more that i dont fit into it..

:(

cutting is not accepted..but i am not satanic

yesterday...

my head just couldnt handle anything else after yesterday..well by the end of yesterday..

well i just couldnt handle yesterday...my feelings were so hurt...i was internalizing a lot of what i had heard and my doubt and disconnected feelings ..

i didnt ..i dont understand why i am not accepted as i am..why i am judged...why i am looked down on..all because of cutting...why is it so hard for them to see past the cutting?  why is it so hard to see me ..and not the cutting... i want so much to be accepted and not judged ..but then i go to church and find that i am not so accpeted..my behaviors arent accepted..and im told im satanic and sick and called crazy and told that i need to be in the hospital and that there is something wrong with me...and im just hurt by it..really really hurt by it :(

but the worse part of it all..is that i keep letting it happen.because i want a parent so so bad..and she (the pastors wife) is so like mommy..and so i believe what she says...she is the one in a position of higher power..she demands respect..i have to listen to her..im afraid to let her go..but she keeps hurting me..with her words...she hurts me over and over and over..and im afraid she will stop talking to me..and tell me to go...but i keep getting hurt..and i dont understand ... struggling to hang on..struggling to let go..

we are feeling so very conflicted..and trying to fight the thoughts and words that we hear that condemn us to hell for being different..

im told again and again that im not obedient..that im not listening..that im not trying hard enough to get better..that im just playing games...i dont understand what is wrong with me..what causes me to just stay so undecided..

do i think its ok to hurt myself ..no...which is why i cant really call it hurting myself...cutting makes it seem more acceptable to me..inside in my head..hurting myself makes it hard to see and accept...i dont acccept it anyway..and i do try to stop..but i hate being told to stop..demanded to stop...told im going to hell..that im sinning...i dont have a strong religous base to hold on to anyway so this doesnt help any at all..:(

but still the doubts fill my head..the questions..the concerns and fears and being hurt ..ending up hurt..

i am not satanic..im not :( :( 

my feelings are hurt..

i really dont have the words right now...to say why i am feeling like a failure,..i was called a disappointment...:(

and because i feel like crying im going to stop writing...

and she quoted - from a conversation with a friend ...

" your body is not ruined. you're a goddamn tiger who earned her stripes. "


end quote

crazy

thats how i am feeling today...ive calmed down ..thanks to my lovely medication...im good and calm and quiet and almost asleep..but i keep thinking about today and what happened..and i try to remind myself that self injury is hard to understand for ppl who dont understand it...i wish i just didnt get so flustered and forgetful and wwas able to actually explain myself..and how im feeling...

there was on correct statement though...she mentioned that i was angry..that the anger had a lot to do with the cutting..and maybe ..no that is true..i think i do have a lot of anger but i dont know how to direct it or where to direct it..and so it just stays inside of me and comes out eventually in a not so good way...cutting, purging, burning..ive done it all .. my escapes...but everyone wants to take away my escapes...and then when i do die because i dont believe i have any other choice..what will be said then??? that i was a failure..that they tried to help me and i just wasnt capable of change...that i didnt listen..that i didnt try hard enough???

yes im angry...im very angry at my childhood..my life..the things that have happened...being hurt..over and over and over..i have a right to be angry...but the problem is that i dont know how to express the anger and the hurt and the betrayals  without harming myself...i know how to pretend..and smile..and ignore..and hide..and isolate..i can do all of that..but communicating...talking..expressing myself without fear...no ..  i dont know how to do that...and it causes me to stay stuck...

ganged up on..dismissed...pushed away

i really truly dont know what happened....i tried to brush off my wrapped up arm...i tried to get everyone to think i was just in an accident and let it go...but some ppl just didnt let it go..and yes  i knew jessica knew the real reason..and i was ok with that...what i didnt count on was lady figuring it out..and then me having a long conversation with two of her daughters about my behaviors and needing to stop...the cutting...my anxiety just got worse the longer the conversation went on..and i dont like being told that im gonna be ignored...i dont like being told that i need to stop and i better not do it again...maybe it is just that they are scared for me..one told me that i am not accepting their care or love...and maybe im not..i still have trouble looking at them..and they kept calling me out on it today..and i dont know ..it was just a lot of conversation in a short amount of time..and my head hurts so much..and i dont know what what ti think ..i know i need to stop..i keep trying to stop...i know i havent been communicating at all lately...ive been doing everything but communicating..and expressing myself..and so yes the cutting is happening...but am i strong enough to stop..for good...ive stopped and started so much that it just really does become an endless cycle..and i try and fail so much that i just want to give up trying at all..in general i think lately i have been more in the give up mode of things...but im not feeling strong enough to stop for good...i dont know how to manage without hurting myself...i dont know how to manage that...my anxiety is up and my urge to just do something stupid is paramount right now...im upset..im feeling hurt and betrayd by some of what i was told today..and that i wasnt able to explain myself in a way that makes sense..:(  maybe im just over reacting and i deserve the yelling at that i got today..something has to get me to stop..and i dont know what it is really truly going to take anymore...maybe i should just kill myself and get it over with...thats what i feel like right this minute...

Lying in church

As if i needed any help  at all in the going to hell dept. But i am feeling bad about telling a lie in. Church
Even if its one being said to keep me feeling safe. But i just suck at lying. Ugh

where have i been ??

i guess this is one of those really obvious questions you know...where have i been..where has my head been?  where have my thoughts been?  truly have i been able to accomplish nothing at all ?? i knew my apartment ws messy but well the motivation and drive to do anything about it was missing...i just ignored the mess and went on about my business and every day i said i would come and clean and organize..and it never happened..i came home alright but i just laid down and slept...i think ive slept away most of june and july..honestly :( and i feel awful that i am not able to manage just the stupid day to day stuff..like taking out the trash and washing the dishes..laundry is in its own category because there is just so much of it.and well yeah just a mess..and i know better you know..but still all i can seem to do it get it together enough to make it to work..and even that is questionable some days..crap even showering has become to much to deal with some days....i dont know how im managing..i dont know what im doing..i dont know how to fix myself...and i know that just tackling the whole problem isnt gonna work..so im trying to work on a little bit at a time..i have laundry going and ive cleared a corner o f my room...i just cant do it all at once..and its going to take a bit of time to get this in order in here..and i just wish i felt better so that i would care you know that things are just a mess...today i care a little bit ...well enough to begin to try to get stuff worked on..but that is now..what about later on?  tomorrow?  next week??? i really do have to take things as they come ...i cant plan ahead...i cant plan anything really...im never sure what ill be able to actually do anymore... so no i dont know where in the hell ive been..my body is here..but my head...most days my head is just gone...and not with anything at all... -sigh-

ugh..sick...

ugh...stomach is not happy today...something i ate i guess..i dont think my body agrees with fast  food or heavy ood or milk and ice cream or any of that...i makes me sick...sends me running back and forth to the bathroom...yeah..tmi i know...

i was feeling ok this morning..i did leave the house for a bit...but i stopped and picked up food and end up sick ..ugh...not cool...so now i am just feeling miserable and down and well sick and tired...

this is a thrilling read i know..im sorry im not more interesting right now...

im afraid ive shut down

the week is finally over!! i dont think ive ever been happier to see a weekend come!!

trying not to jump into the anxiety and worries for next week..and trying to just take it a day at a time...but yes..major down time for this weekend i think..well no have to run errands..boo..and go and pick up more apple slices w/ caramel for the kids lol..that is there newest favorite thing..so everyday its at least one or two of those little things..

seriously had another nonrememberable night...i remember laying down..and the kids were watching a movie..and the next thing i know..its 1:30 in the morning and im waking up and trying to remember what happened or didnt happen...its like im losing hours but nothing is being done..the hours are just going ..and when i wake up i cant remember what i was supposed to have done or what i didnt do or anything..its frustrating..because there is so much that i have to do with work and what not but instead all i think we are doing is shutting down and sleeping...thats it...at home anyway..i lay down and thats it..but it is making the isolation worse..which is in turn allowing for the negative thoughts and s/i happen a lot more often..essh...

but today is going to be a good day...im hoping hard that it will be a good day...do have some errands to run..and i promised one of my kids that i work with that we would go out for dinner for her birthday today..so i wanted to pick her up a small gift and what not..cas of the familys situation ..she isnt gonna do/get anything ..so yeah...

next week we do see the pdoc .. and maybe ill see if we can get in to see t...not sure about t though..and we did agree to go to church tomorrow to kinda lessen the isolation..

and i think we are just rambling..so yeah lol...going to lay back down for a little bit ..and then im completely getting up...i am

just not coping ...

things have been quiet..and its not been a good quiet...s/i is started again..and not sure about that..it doesnt bring much relief but i think its just being done to do it...to try to look for relief or peace of mind..or something .. i dont know..

just feeling really not ok lately...sad, upset, suicidal..the cutting does calm the suicidal thoughts...but still its taking a lot to calm the thoughts..i have everyone around me thinking ive sprained my wrist because i keep it wrapped up when im not at home...no need for the stares or questions..im not up for it..im really not

zero motivation to do anything...all i want to do is sleep and well possibly die..but i am still managing to go to work..just not turning anything in..ugh..

july really truly is not a good month..and the farther into the month it gets..the worse we are feeling..the anniversary thing is at the end of the month..so its like the anxiety and stress of it is just building up and there is not a way to release it...so im isolating..i go to work and come home..yesterday involved shopping ... but even that was a short lived break from reality..still came home and crashed..i dont want to be around anyone right now..and have been skipping church and everything else not related to work...i just come home and do nothing..and everything is just a mess and i feel crazy and sad and just not able to cope right now...

i dont know...im just tired of everything...tired of all of this..tired of life in general

-sigh-

feeling hopeless and a bit suicidal ... what is wrong with me ??!!! 

changes .... a lot of changes

things are changing and it seems that they will be changing whether i am completely with it or not....there is a pretty good chance that i am moving next month which means packing and cleaning and all of that...and then there is the whole i have no furniture part of things that will have to get worked out too...and im freaking out about it a little bit and i know i need to calm down and breathe..but goodness i am freaked...like it happened to fast ..and i am so willing to just be like ok im going ..im moviing ..scary...

well right now i feel like crying but i think i am just feeling a little bit overwhelmed with everything..and scared and all of that...i know it will be ok..i do..but still it is all scary and new and different of course...and i guess it just makes me feel nervous....very very nervous...

but i can do this ..cant i??  i can make this change and not have it throw me off and mess things up...i will not go crazy...but my anxiety is spiking big time right now...

this week...

this week has sped by...what have i done??  what havent i done? gosh i wish i could remember..but this week escapes me...it really does...ugh ...




MAJOR HAIR ISSUES this morning..well last night....its gonna be a painful day as we work to just get it untangled...ouch...major ouches..

self sabatoge /self hate

having a bit of a mood drop right now...have been for the past 2 hours or so i think...i dont know..just kinda sad and wanting to go home..and thankfully i will be going home soon...

but i was having a chat today at work about food and stuff..and i mentioned that most evenings we dont eat dinner due to being asleep majorly early...no big deal to us you know..but the lady we talked to was like thats not good..you need to eat..and i just looked at her...i mean i eat..today it was just apples. pringles. and a candy bar...majorly healthy i know..and i really do want pasta which is a big deal if i am craving pasta..cas i normally wont eat it..but now i dont feel like cooking or going to the store or anything..its difficult when we are having the issues with food..because it becomes a refusal to eat anything but a few things and thats it..like the kids only want apples with caramel or the cut up apples..and thats all..or a sandwich..or some other type of fruit..or else we are at the other end where its just massive amounts of fast food and thats all...ugh..its frustrating..it is..and i know its happening as a replacement for the cutting..but just dont know how to deal..like i know i need to go home and cook dinner..a real dinner..or make something to eat..but all i want to do is go home and lay down and go to sleep...thats it... self sabotage sucks big time...i know we are doing it..and i know what the outcome will be..but still i just cant seem to deal with it and control it and fix it or make it better...because somewhere in the back of my mind i just keep reminding myself that im not cutting..that ive stopped cutting..that i cant go back to cutting...but the urges to hurt and the need to hurt is still there and its still coming out just in a different way...its really hard to explain to someone that when i say i dont like myself i truly mean i dont like myself..and im not playing around or joking..but a lot of the time i dont think ppl believe me..they tell me i have so much to be happy for...or that i should smile more.. but its not me you know..if im sad then thats just it ..im sad..and no amount of smiling or trying to be any other way is going to make it any better...but then i guess thats why i dont tell ppl that i dont like myself..the disbelief is sometimes to much to handle and deal with..i have enough of my own..i dont need or want to deal with anyone elses...

A lot to write about and process....

my head is going in circles right now..im thinking and thinking and planing and trying and wondering and thinking some more...goodness...today has been just not what i expected at all...and that is saying a lot because i dont think i was expecting anything at all...but  i went to work.saw a couple clients..and in the middle of all of that i got a message from a facebook friend about a house that she wants to rent...a 2 bedroom/1.5 bath for possibly 800 a month...freakin A that would be like awesome ..beyond awesome..its about what im paying now! darn. you know..its like one of those chances that happens but i wasnt expecting it at all..i wasnt looking for it...but it is an option that i am going to work hard to get to happen...that will make me super happy.  i want a house..i want a place that is mine. i want a nice place in a safe area..and that may be happening...its scary..its exciting..did i mention that its scary?!?!? im going to try my hardest though to make it work...to have this happen...i want this..i do...

i keep thinking that it is time to put on my big girl panties and get a grip on my life...start doing more..stop letting the fear control me..its little changes that have been going on..but  i want more than that you know...i want to live and be involved and just BE more than i am..i want to grow and change and more than anything else. i just want to be happy..

ive had time to really think about the thing that happened at nias with sissy..and i feel sorry for the boys..my nephews..i dont know what is wrong with sissy or what is going on in her mind..but unfortunately i cant do anything about that..i can support nia and i can support the boys..and i dont have to agree with a thing that sissy is teaching those boys...it just hard knowing that at any moment they can be taken away again and we will never see them...gosh they just got back into the family but now due to sissys issues they may be taken away again..and that is hard..and sad..and disappointing..

and ive had time to think about the trip in general..and well it was a good trip..but again my meds and just stress and not feeling great got in the way...my scars got in the way...i worked so darn hard to hide my arms from mommy..because they are so messed up right now...and i am ashamed of them..but more than that i just didnt want to have to answer her questions and listen to her accusations..i didnt want to deal with it..and so i worked hard to keep my arms at my sides and to avoid her looking at me to closely...but it is so stressful to do that..to have to work so so hard to hide it and not acknowledge it..and i wish i didnt care so much..i really wish that i didnt...but i do..and so i am extra vigilant when i am around her...can we say ptsd went into over drive??!!!  but managed...and it was overall a good trip..i do like spending time with my sister and i really do wish that we lived a bit closer..i like talking to her and hanging out with her and just being around her..even with me being all weird and off and boring...but yes i did my family visit for the next few months...i do have to go home home soon for car stuff that will need to be taken care of..blah..but i dont think ill be staying at home..i dont know..ill visit but i dont think ill stay...im still not ok at all with mommy and am still having a hard hard time managing with being around her and keeping myself safe and sane...how sad is that?? but yeah..such is life..

and i reminded mommy about my trip to cancun in oct..and she actually told me that i needed to ask permission...i told her i did not have to and i meant that...i didnt ask her for permission to go..im not a child..i told her i could go where ever i wanted to go..and she said i needed to ask permission..and i really truly think she meant it...what sense does it make for me ..a 28 year old women..to ask for freakin permission to take a trip?  a trip that she is not paying for or involved in at all..but she wants me to ask if its ok to go?  no. im not doing that.  i didnt do that.  and when it is time to go i will be going.  thats all.

i want to live my life for me you know..and im trying so hard to not let her keep controlling me..ok some days i try really hard to not let her control me ..but it is hard and scary and makes me so unsure of myself...but at the same time i have to learn to stand on my own and deal with my own stuff..and deal with my own stuff..unfortunately she is not the mother i need now .. she wasnt the mother i needed growing up..and its just hard to figure out what kind of relationship will work with her..i just am not sure ..i know i want a mother figure..but its not her...its really not...and that does make me feel sad...really really sad....but i will have to deal with that also and somehow get over it..or move past it..i dont know ...

july is a hard month for me...especially towards the end of the month/beginning of aug...anniversaries and what not..guilt shame..fear...yeah..july is a hard hard month...

well....

well i thought i wanted to write but the words are escaping me right now...the time away was good and relaxing in a way but i am worried about taji and bounce so it is time to head home today..the trip was good though and curvon made it interesting...there were some ups and some downs..but overall it was good..so i cant complain..i wont complain..it is what it is  you know...thats all...

but yeah im sure ill write more once im home and chilling out by myself....its been fun with the kid.it has..and i love when we are just sitting together or laying on the couch watching tv together..but it is time for him to go home lol..  it is :)

i am not making things up.....im not

an interesting thing though..we were playing some game yesterday..all of us..and my brother mentioned mommy getting switches and what not..and then it changed to her using the stupid baseball bat on us..the toy on..we always called it red..and it was broken...but it wasnt red.it was orange..my brothers and sister remember it. we didnt make it up.we didnt just pretend that it was something that happened and we werent sure..we know she used it often. and just as often we pushed it behind the washing machine to hide it..but she always always found it..and she used it to hit..not so much switches..but she used the bat, brooms, the broken baseboard piece, whatever was handy to throw...maybe we didnt just make all of this up..she did come after us..often...we are afraid of her still even now...we are still very afraid of her..

yuck

woke up sick...i think it was something i ate....feeling awful and sick and just tired....

do i fit in ??

today i am wondering if i fit in anywhere...why dont i fit in ?  why do i feel so different ??

maybe it is just me not trying hard enough to deal and manage...

maybe ill just never BE like everyone else and i will always have to battle my mind and my thoughts and emotions..i will just always have to fight to deal and be ok and manage..

in the world of mental health issues..i really do feel like i stick out horribly...im still just slipping through..im trying to work on my stuff and manage and deal..and some days its like why do i even bother..and other days its like there is nothing wrong..im perfectly ok...but i know my thoughts..i know how i feel when i am suicidal..i know how hard it is for me to get up in the mornings and feel like i am worth something...

im not ok but who am i going to tell ??  who will believe me?? just because im not suicidal or cutting or anything doesnt mean that im ok...im not ok and i just feel like things are going to get worse ..and i need to keep managing and hanging on because that is what i have to do..that is what im expected to do..im not allowed to break down...ill go and get more razors before i let that happen..i have to keep reminding myself that im not going to die..that i cant die..that i have things to look forward too...but sometimes its really hard..keeping hopeful when i just want to lay down and hide...and trying to stay hopeful when everything feels so hopeless...

i dont know...im just not screwed up enough to need constant care and supervision ..so in a sense its as if i am not screwed up at all..

but i am screwed up...messed up..broken..hurt..shamed..guilty..afraid..quiet....always so so very quiet..