left t feeling very unsafe and tearful..so went to my supervisor (because in my head that made perfect sense) .. she was busy when i got there so i waited to talk to her..and was able to calm down some in that time..but when i did talk to her..she laid into me big time..i had both her and t tell me under no uncertain terms was i to consider killing myself..hurting myself..but the underlying thing was suicide..t told me that she would be pissed off at me..and my supervisor told me that i would be letting the bad people win..
writing this is really hard so bare with me..and i guess i need to start a little more at the beginning..i went to t this morning feeling super nervous because she had something that i had written about past stuff..stuff i remembered..and i was scared about what she would say..and her having it and if she had read it..so i got there..and after the normal this is how im doing bit..we got into what i had written..and i told her i was nervous and scared about her having it. she told me she read it. and that it had been painful to read..but then we started to talk about how i would respond if a friend had given me what i had written..to which i started to go all over the place..because of course i would never say the things i say to myself to a friend .. i wouldnt. it would be horrible and mean..so t kept asking what i would tell my friend. after thinking about it a lot i told her i would tell them that it wasnt there fault..and that that was all i could do today..t asked about looking back and being able to understand that mommy may have had some problems..and that maybe she had been abused herself..all things i cant seem to wrap my head around..we talked about the fact that i was singled out..t said that mommy was cruel and abusive..she said it was abuse.. and i told her i deserved it. that i was trying to protect mommy still..t did a lot of talking today because my fear and scared feelings had me feeling really trapped and uncomfortable..i wanted to cut..i was planning to cut..but t asked me before i left to promise that i wouldnt hurt myself..and that pretty much stopped me cold..i dont know how she figured out that i had been planning something..i dont .. i onlt mentioned killing myself once in the session today..and she told me that she would be pissed off if i did..that she was pissed off that i was even considering it..but no the deal is that she is willing to stick with me and help me and support me..but i have to do my part and refrain from hurting myself..her logic is that she would rather i was safe and stuck..than unsafe and working on stuff
i personally think her logic is stupid..and i may have to tell her that
next week..but i did promise..to the ultimate horror of my head..i
promised to not do anything..even though two minutes before visons of
the damage i planned to do was the most pressing thought..so t told me
that she understood that todays session was like a bomb being dropped
with what we talked about..and i agreed with her on that..she asked me
to give it time..to process how i was feeling..to decide later where to
go from here..i guess she knew i wasnt completely ok..but i left her and
some how managed not to scream and cry and well in general throw a fit
while with her..but i got to my car and was just unable to get it
through my head that i said i wouldnt hurt myself..lots of yelling and
crying and ranting and well overwhelmed feelings of how hard it was and
how scared i was..and so i took myself to see my supervisor because i
wasnt ok enough to manage work..and i didnt know where else to go..the
drive there i wasnt ok..and i got there and my supervisor was busy but
she asked if i needed to talk to her and i told her i did but that i
would wait..and im again guessing that she knew something was up..i
never directly ask to talk to her..i just sorta 
around until she talks to me or she manages to get me to talk about
what ever is bothering me...so i waited..and in that time i was able to
calm down a bit and focus and stopped the urge to just cry and fall
apart..i was pretty much just zoned out on the couch in the office by
myself (because i was upstairs and they were downstairs) but i was with
it enough to kinda sit back up and make it look like i was actually
doing something when the office manager came upstairs to get me..so i
went to talk to her..and gosh darn it ..i told her that i was having a
difficult morning and she stated that i was upset..that i looked
upset..so i told her some of what had happened and what i had
promised..and she started talking..i mean really truly talking to me
about how i had been tricked growing up..and that i believed things that
werent true..and that i had to choose what to believe now as an
adult..she told me that it was not my fault..and that it was NEVER the
childs fault..and that i hadnt been protected and that the adults
involved were wrong not me..she told me that i had to think about and
consider what my purpose was..and that i would have to work through my
own stuff without giving up inorder to be able to help others..she told
me that there were other little girls out there who needed me to help
them..i mean she really talked to me today..and she talked about my
thinking about suicide and cutting and told me that she would not even
consider that as real..that she knew i could make it and that i had so
much more waiting for me..and that i couldnt give up..she asked me more
than once if i was hearing her..really hearing her..she told me that i
didnt need to
my head in shame and that i was worth it..and proceeded to make me say
that i was worth it too.. and she gave me a hug before i left...a big
safe hug.. i have such a headache..earlier while i was at my office my head was spinning like crazy...i did attempt to go to work but i had already asked a coworker to get one of my ppl for me..and so i didnt stick around..i came home..im feeling so very unsafe and sad right now..i wonder how it is that t and my supervisor believe completely that i can get through this and that i will be better..my supervisor told me that she had plans for me but that i had to get to work on my stuff and be able to move past it and learn what i needed to learn...how can i..help anyone else when right now im not even sure i can help myself? this is so very hard and so very scary...both t and supervisor keeps mentioning that ive already gotten through the hard stuff..that ive already lived through it..thats true and everything..but having to talk about it and deal with it now is messing with my head big time..it really is
and im not sure im strong enough to get through it..my supervisor did mention something that i thought was interesting..and im trying to remember it like she said and so i hope this makes sense...
we were talking about who was to blame..who i was protecting..and she told me that if they were so right in there actions then there was nothing to hide..that i would not feel the need to hide and to keep secrets..she said they needed to tell everyone what they did if they left there were right and had done nothing wrong..and as much as i kept telling her that it was my fault..i couldnt disagree with this..if it was right and i deserved it as i believe then darn it let them tell what happened..let them own up to what happened and live with what they did if they believe it to be so right..but if they were not right..and there actions were not right..and there was something to hide.then that means something about it is wrong..and that it is up to me to talk about what happened...she told me that the way to make sense of it was to talk about it and keep talking about it..to not hide it and to not keep the secrets anymore.. does that make sense ? if i am keeping the secrets then i am letting the bad people win..then everything that has happened was just a waste wasnt it..if im not willing to say what happened then my supervisor pointed out that others are at risk...and that is something that bothers me immensely..i dont not want to wonder about other children being hurt and that i could help them by talking..by telling what happened..i couldnt protect myself but maybe i can protect someone else..
i dont want anyone else to get hurt
something that is bothering me though is that i dont truly remember what happened..when i was a baby..a toddler..under the age of 5 or 6..practically nothing..sexual abuse is something that happened..but i dont know how or when or what happened..something happened before 5 but i dont know what it is..and i say 5 because there was a video that mommy had of us..well my brothers and sisters and i..and on it was reading..and not once did i look at the camera..my eye contact has been an issue since i was very young..and i dont know why..or what caused it..the concern is that when i was a baby and well up until i was almost 3 due to my sister being sick and in and out of the hospital..i have no idea where i was..i dont know who took care of me..i dont know anything..and i just wonder what happened that caused so much of me to break apart..it doesnt make sense
i remember what happened at 8 sorta with the cousin..but i do think
things happened before that..at a much younger age..but i just dont know
what it was...i talk to my supervisor and the thinly veiled references
to sexual abuse scare me..heck any of the references to that scares me a
lot a lot..and i try so hard to avoid them..but i have to stop avoiding
now..thats the message ive gotten today..that i have to stop hiding and
i have to stop keeping the secrets and that i have to talk..and say
what happened..or else i will keep being the victim and everyone else
will win..t talked to me some about how she considered what mommy did to me as cruel..and that really scares me to. she said that there is abuse..and that clearly what happened was abuse..but that there is also a competent of it that is just cruel...the fact that i was singled out..and treated so differently makes me think that mommy planned some of what she did..that she had to have planned it to make it so that it was just directed at me and no one else..and again even writing this my need to protect her..to say it was my fault..that i was bad..that i deserved it wants to come out..why do i keep protecting everyone ? why do i want to keep them from being in trouble so very much that i am willing to consider suicide before i will consider telling what happened?? it makes me feel so very crazy ..and right now i am feeling incredibly unbalanced with life and myself..i dont know who to trust..the ones who hurt me and continue to hurt me..or the ones who see me and accept me and care for me..why cant i see the truth that is just looking at me..
i just dont understand..and i know that right now way to much has happened today to even begin to understand what has happened..or how to process it all..but i want to understand..i do..but i dont know how..i dont know what i want to do or what i want to happen..my head is way super confused right now..
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