flat out pity party

well to say my levels of caring have hit an all time low would be understatement of the year..im tired and sick and i just dont want to do anything..the past couple weeks are wearing on me and im disappointed to say that all of the outside stuff is winning ...im so disappointed and sad about everything right now..and i dont want to do anything at all..and im sick and tired already of not being able to eat reg food darn it..im not so sure but i really think im losing weight fairly quickly..which should make me happy but im just feeling miserable..i would kill for a darn biscuit..a sandwich..crap subway..anything..and somehow my head is just like no not gonna happen..and that depresses me even more...gave up almost everythign you know and that is depressing me..and i know i still have lots and lots to learn about it all but its just wearing on me..and im tired of it all..and being sick makes me incredibly pathetic anyway..and all i want to do is lay down and watch time go by..

today is pay day and im really mad at myself that i may not be able to pick up my check..because i still have work to turn in..and i have to care cas im broke..and well cold medicine would be really nice...but still im just looking at the stack of work that i should have done already and i just want to leave it there and move on..but i cant get paid without turning my stuff in..and so i have till 5:30 ish today to get it in..and in between all of that i have to see a couple ppl..and i know i can prolly change things around with seeing my supervisor this evening with a client..because my head just isnt in it ..but im just getting more and more frustrated at myself for falling behind...once im behind i just struggle so freaking much to catch up..and it feels like i just stay behind...

im supposed to be seeing t this morning..and i really want to see her..i do..but i have to get my work done..and i feel like crap..and i dont know what i want to do..because then its like my day becomes broken up into like 2 hour increments..and i have a couple hours now before its time to see t..and then i have a couple hours after t..and then i have to meet someone to pick up something..and then i have to...well you get the picture..and so i could cancel t but that causes a lot of unrest..and causes me to feel really frustrated all over again...i may just have to figure out how to work around it all..and go see t and spend the rest of the day working on getting stuff done...oh i dont know..my head just isnt working properly right now..and i just want to lay down and sleep..and the logical thing to do is not see t and work on work stuff..but since when have i ever been logical?