I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

i am feeling very confused...very sad...and very unsure of what to do.  i know what i should do. what i need to do. but the follow through scares me.. i was ready to give up today. i was. i was willing to give in and give up because things are to hard and to scary..and im afraid..im afraid to face the truth..im afraid to accept the truth..im afraid to acknowledge just how much i have been hurt and let down and picked on and yelled at and just treated badly..my illiusion of safety is falling down around me..and im forced to look at what actually is and that is scary..my desire to have had a great childhood is not possible because it didnt happen..inside i was hurt..i was hurt alot and treated badly and i grew up and am still struggling to deal with all of my past stuff..its not fair..

my supervisor told me again..that i am worth it. that i am worth being loved..im just so very sad and am unsure about what it is that i deserve..i said that i was not worth it a bit today..more than once..i said it because i feel its true. but i have linda and kathy telling me other wise..kathy told me that i have so much to offer others..and that if i wasnt worth it then why do my clients want to see me..why am i being noticed while working and being asked for..i would give anything to believe her..but the doubt is still there..what about me is so special?  what have i done to deserve anyones praise or recognition and i wonder what people want from me..i wonder what it is that they are seeing in me that i dont see... how cant i see the truth ?  i want to see the truth..

i just keep thinking about everything that has happened today..as much as i want to hurt myself..i wont do it..because i promised not to..i wont break the promise i made..but the urge is there..the desire to hurt is there..the need to escape is there big time..my head just fell apart today .. and ive been at home most of the day..not doing a darn thing..just laying down..trying to stay busy and still managing to think a lot..my thoughts run away from me..and always leads to feelings of fear..

i dont know :(  i really dont know anything right now..

hard day

today is a hard hard day

left t feeling very unsafe and tearful..so went to my supervisor (because in my head that made perfect sense) .. she was busy when i got there so i waited to talk to her..and was able to calm down some in that time..but when i did talk to her..she laid into me big time..i had both her and t tell me under no uncertain terms was i to consider killing myself..hurting myself..but the underlying thing was suicide..t told me that she would be pissed off at me..and my supervisor told me that i would be letting the bad people win.. writing this is really hard so bare with me..and i guess i need to start a little more at the beginning..

i went to t this morning feeling super nervous because she had something that i had written about past stuff..stuff i remembered..and i was scared about what she would say..and her having it and if she had read it..so i got there..and after the normal this is how im doing bit..we got into what i had written..and i told her i was nervous and scared about her having it. she told me she read it. and that it had been painful to read..but then we started to talk about how i would respond if a friend had given me what i had written..to which i started to go all over the place..because of course i would never say the things i say to myself to a friend .. i wouldnt. it would be horrible and mean..so t kept asking what i would tell my friend. after thinking about it a lot i told her i would tell them that it wasnt there fault..and that that was all i could do today..t asked about looking back and being able to understand that mommy may have had some problems..and that maybe she had been abused herself..all things i cant seem to wrap my head around..we talked about the fact that i was singled out..t said that mommy was cruel and abusive..she said it was abuse.. and i told her i deserved it. that i was trying to protect mommy still..t did a lot of talking today because my fear and scared feelings had me feeling really trapped and uncomfortable..i wanted to cut..i was planning to cut..but t asked me before i left to promise that i wouldnt hurt myself..and that pretty much stopped me cold..i dont know how she figured out that i had been planning something..i dont .. i onlt mentioned killing myself once in the session today..and she told me that she would be pissed off if i did..that she was pissed off that i was even considering it..but no the deal is that she is willing to stick with me and help me and support me..but i have to do my part and refrain from hurting myself..her logic is that she would rather i was safe and stuck..than unsafe and working on stuff i personally think her logic is stupid..and i may have to tell her that next week..but i did promise..to the ultimate horror of my head..i promised to not do anything..even though two minutes before visons of the damage i planned to do was the most pressing thought..so t told me that she understood that todays session was like a bomb being dropped with what we talked about..and i agreed with her on that..she asked me to give it time..to process how i was feeling..to decide later where to go from here..i guess she knew i wasnt completely ok..but i left her and some how managed not to scream and cry and well in general throw a fit while with her..but i got to my car and was just unable to get it through my head that i said i wouldnt hurt myself..lots of yelling and crying and ranting and well overwhelmed feelings of how hard it was and how scared i was..and so i took myself to see my supervisor because i wasnt ok enough to manage work..and i didnt know where else to go..the drive there i wasnt ok..and i got there and my supervisor was busy but she asked if i needed to talk to her and i told her i did but that i would wait..and im again guessing that she knew something was up..i never directly ask to talk to her..i just sorta around until she talks to me or she manages to get me to talk about what ever is bothering me...so i waited..and in that time i was able to calm down a bit and focus and stopped the urge to just cry and fall apart..i was pretty much just zoned out on the couch in the office by myself (because i was upstairs and they were downstairs) but i was with it enough to kinda sit back up and make it look like i was actually doing something when the office manager came upstairs to get me..so i went to talk to her..and gosh darn it ..i told her that i was having a difficult morning and she stated that i was upset..that i looked upset..so i told her some of what had happened and what i had promised..and she started talking..i mean really truly talking to me about how i had been tricked growing up..and that i believed things that werent true..and that i had to choose what to believe now as an adult..she told me that it was not my fault..and that it was NEVER the childs fault..and that i hadnt been protected and that the adults involved were wrong not me..she told me that i had to think about and consider what my purpose was..and that i would have to work through my own stuff without giving up inorder to be able to help others..she told me that there were other little girls out there who needed me to help them..i mean she really talked to me today..and she talked about my thinking about suicide and cutting and told me that she would not even consider that as real..that she knew i could make it and that i had so much more waiting for me..and that i couldnt give up..she asked me more than once if i was hearing her..really hearing her..she told me that i didnt need to my head in shame and that i was worth it..and proceeded to make me say that i was worth it too.. and she gave me a hug before i left...a big safe hug..

i have such a headache..earlier while i was at my office my head was spinning like crazy...i did attempt to go to work but i had already asked a coworker to get one of my ppl for me..and so i didnt stick around..i came home..im feeling so very unsafe and sad right now..i wonder how it is that t and my supervisor believe completely that i can get through this and that i will be better..my supervisor told me that she had plans for me but that i had to get to work on my stuff and be able to move past it and learn what i needed to learn...how can i..help anyone else when right now im not even sure i can help myself? this is so very hard and so very scary...both t and supervisor keeps mentioning that ive already gotten through the hard stuff..that ive already lived through it..thats true and everything..but having to talk about it and deal with it now is messing with my head big time..it really is and im not sure im strong enough to get through it..

my supervisor did mention something that i thought was interesting..and im trying to remember it like she said and so i hope this makes sense...
we were talking about who was to blame..who i was protecting..and she told me that if they were so right in there actions then there was nothing to hide..that i would not feel the need to hide and to keep secrets..she said they needed to tell everyone what they did if they left there were right and had done nothing wrong..and as much as i kept telling her that it was my fault..i couldnt disagree with this..if it was right and i deserved it as i believe then darn it let them tell what happened..let them own up to what happened and live with what they did if they believe it to be so right..but if they were not right..and there actions were not right..and there was something to hide.then that means something about it is wrong..and that it is up to me to talk about what happened...she told me that the way to make sense of it was to talk about it and keep talking about it..to not hide it and to not keep the secrets anymore.. does that make sense ? if i am keeping the secrets then i am letting the bad people win..then everything that has happened was just a waste wasnt it..if im not willing to say what happened then my supervisor pointed out that others are at risk...and that is something that bothers me immensely..i dont not want to wonder about other children being hurt and that i could help them by talking..by telling what happened..i couldnt protect myself but maybe i can protect someone else..

i dont want anyone else to get hurt

something that is bothering me though is that i dont truly remember what happened..when i was a baby..a toddler..under the age of 5 or 6..practically nothing..sexual abuse is something that happened..but i dont know how or when or what happened..something happened before 5 but i dont know what it is..and i say 5 because there was a video that mommy had of us..well my brothers and sisters and i..and on it was reading..and not once did i look at the camera..my eye contact has been an issue since i was very young..and i dont know why..or what caused it..the concern is that when i was a baby and well up until i was almost 3 due to my sister being sick and in and out of the hospital..i have no idea where i was..i dont know who took care of me..i dont know anything..and i just wonder what happened that caused so much of me to break apart..it doesnt make sense i remember what happened at 8 sorta with the cousin..but i do think things happened before that..at a much younger age..but i just dont know what it was...i talk to my supervisor and the thinly veiled references to sexual abuse scare me..heck any of the references to that scares me a lot a lot..and i try so hard to avoid them..but i have to stop avoiding now..thats the message ive gotten today..that i have to stop hiding and i have to stop keeping the secrets and that i have to talk..and say what happened..or else i will keep being the victim and everyone else will win..

t talked to me some about how she considered what mommy did to me as cruel..and that really scares me to. she said that there is abuse..and that clearly what happened was abuse..but that there is also a competent of it that is just cruel...the fact that i was singled out..and treated so differently makes me think that mommy planned some of what she did..that she had to have planned it to make it so that it was just directed at me and no one else..and again even writing this my need to protect her..to say it was my fault..that i was bad..that i deserved it wants to come out..why do i keep protecting everyone ? why do i want to keep them from being in trouble so very much that i am willing to consider suicide before i will consider telling what happened?? it makes me feel so very crazy ..and right now i am feeling incredibly unbalanced with life and myself..i dont know who to trust..the ones who hurt me and continue to hurt me..or the ones who see me and accept me and care for me..why cant i see the truth that is just looking at me..

i just dont understand..and i know that right now way to much has happened today to even begin to understand what has happened..or how to process it all..but i want to understand..i do..but i dont know how..i dont know what i want to do or what i want to happen..my head is way super confused right now..

something is on my mind..

i saw linda earlier this week and i kept telling myself i was going to write about what we talked about. heck i cant believe some of what we talked about or what i said..during the session what i was saying was ok...after the session my need to punish myself for saying to much and telling to much of how i really feel and think started up..and its hard to manage those thoughts..everything is so very messed up in my head. it is.

we talked quite a bit about my supervisor and my feelings about how much i want her for a parent and how much that is just not going to happen.  -insert major tantrum throwing here-  im frustrated at my lack of ability to see the logic in this. i really truly am because the way i keep working it out in my head is not the way linda or my supervisor sees it and no amount of trying to convince me otherwise is letting me see this from a more logical standpoint.. but no the thing that is bothering me most is that i actually told linda that im not able to give anything to anyone else.  that i need to much and that i want everything but cant give anything back.  i dont know where the statement came from. i really dont.  im not even sure why i was thinking it ..much less why i said it outloud..and it bothers me..that i told linda something that no one is ever supposed to hear.  darn it.  i think that was pushed so far away that i ahd even forgotten about it. because i said it and it was like wow did that just come from me. but i felt it was true. the statement. and it just kinda floated through my head at the time and in a moment of i dont know what im saying it came out and darn if linda didnt write it down. i dont know how to explain the statement . not really.  ive been thinking about it off and on though.  i forget it and then remember it.  but i still havent worked out an explaination for it. and i want to be able to explain it.  i need to explain it.  and right now when i think about it ..im thinking about my supervisor at the time or have thought about her recently for the thoguht to come out...because with her i am wanting to pull all sorts of things from her..love ..caring..support..i want her to be able to support me all the time..every day. i want to be able to be with her and have her keep me and love me and never ever let me go. i want her to make me a part of her life for ever...but in all of my demands on her what is she getting from me?  what am i giving her ? how am i doing anything for her?  i dont think i am..i truly dont.  but still i want her undivided attention..i want her to be with me all the time. i want to talk to her. to be around her. i just need to know that she is near.. like holy cow this woman as become so much more than my supervisor and im not even sure she knows it.  and i cant tell her for fear that one she will tell me im crazy (ok she prolly wont say that) but yeah .. it would raise a few questions..and if icant keep myself under control how in the world will i be able to work for her?  but back to the original delima this relationship is awfully one sided and im afraid thats how i like it..or thats how i want it.  i dont know how to give anything back to someone else..i dont want anyone wanting anything from me.  im not i am able to fully love another person. i dont trust myself enough to fully be anything for another person.  i hold myself back from it.  i care about people. i like people. i even hate some people.  but its all with a detachness like there is something between me and them that i can never ever cross. i wonder if it is my fear of being hurt. of not being enough for someone else. i dont know that part of it.  but the whole thing makes me feel like a leech..like im just going to suck the life out of the people who support me because i dont know how to deal with it..i dont know how to balance it out and so i want all of it and then it becomes more overwhelming than anything else..like i am overwhelming myself..my desire to be with my supervisor drives out my good sense for anything else.  heck ive spent the past 4 days fighting with myself about sending my supervisor a message just to say hi. well i wanted to talk to her but i didnt know what to say..and today i sent her a message asking a simple but convaluted question about happiness and whether or not things get better..and then hours later she sends me a message and i of course freak out about what her response may or may not be before i even open the message.  and it takes me a little while to calm down and open it..and the response was more than i hoped..but it just left me wanting so much more from her... something in me is just broken and i am unable to keep a constant flow of positive energy or something..and so im looking at my supervisor to constantly give me what it is that i am missing..and maybe im just not able to describe this right at all.. something is missing and i know im looking for my supervisor to replace whatever it is i dont have..but im not sure what is missing..my need for comfort is strong..and being around mommy makes it even stronger because around mommy i force myself to need nothing...around my supervisor nothing is enough and i want more from her..my supervisor in her quest to destroy me and told me that she wouldnt give me any hugs if i ask for them..told me that i need to figure out what it is that i get from them..and i keep telling her that they make me feel better..which in turn leads her to ask me why...i dont know why. i just want comfort and she gives me comfort..and i feel almost like i can be myself (whoever that is) around her and she wont laugh at me or pick or me or anything.  she is stable where as im broken .. i want to trust her to put me back together..to heal my hurts and make me understand..her hugs is give me a safe and cared for feeling that i dont get from anyone else. i mean i dont allow many people to touch me anyway..but i feel safe in her hugs..like i can let down my walls for just a little while and accept her comforting and caring..it is so hard for me to let down my walls with anyone..for fear of losing control..but with her i dont have to worry as much.  i know that if i am with her for a little while i am truly safe and nothing can hurt me..heck i cant even hurt me when im with her.  i dont want to be hurt anymore..i dont want the fear of being hurt rule me anyone..

what is it that i want from her ?
i want her to love me ...
why?
because no one else does...

even writing this all wakes up my thoughts about the unfairness of this all..and my need tot alk to her intensifies..heck my need to talk to anyone right now is really strong..but once again i dont know who to talk too..and my thoughts go back and forth and all over the place..and i am just getting so frustrated and upset about it all..because what i want seems so simple and easy and yet i cant have it. i just want her to love me thats it. and she cant.  i dont love myself and no one else loves me. which leaves me to wonder why am i even here? whats the point? im pretty sure my supervisor would not be pleased to learn that my obsessions with her leads to all manners of not so good thinking..and its not her fault..it isnt..its me and once again my inability to manage my needs and wants and all of that in a healthy way.

i understand that my dependence on my supervisor is truly bordering on being just a little unhealthy and slightly obsessive..i know that my thinking on the situation is completely irrational and will not happen no matter how much i might want it to.  yes the stubborn child in me is demanding to have her needs met and will not except anything besides yes as an answer..objectively i can look at all of this and know that it is not possible and that if i cant gain control of my thoughts then i will cause something not so great to happen like losing my job.  but my stubborn child keeps winning out..my need to be safe and comforted is wining out.  thankfully my supervisor and linda and being completely logical in all of this mess that i seem to be creating..and between the two of them i am kept from going completely over the edge..but it is a pretty fine line that i am walking..and given i am able to talk to linda about it thankfully and am talking to her. really i am..because well i cant take all of my concerns to my supervisor when the concerns are about her..and i need to talk about them or else i will just drive myself crazier..

and i need to stop writing because im quickly losing the battle to keep myself completely safe.. maybe ill be able to add more tomorrow

unfair

the world is unfair..you know that.. the world..life..everything is just so unfair...

ive been watching for colored girls yet again and i am feeling super jaded right now.  i know its a movie i do.  but the sad part is that the subject matter is so very true and that is the part that is unfair.

its not fair that children die..that children are hurt.  that women are raped in their own homes..its not fair that parents can do horrible unspeakable things because they are parents ..i dont understand the need to hurt another person..i dont understand why people are hurt young and grow up and still have to deal with all the hurt..so many kids are growing up broken..and they are expected to live in a world that they do not understand..a world that has never made sense to them..they are expected to be the normal mindless members of society but how is that possible..when they live lives full of distrust..of hatred..of self loathing..how is it possible to ever fit into a world that never made sense in the first place?  and then when they are unable to fit in the world calls them crazy..the world locks them up and medicates them until they no longer have to feel anything..maybe that oblivion is better..i dont know.  it makes me sad..it makes me hurt..to know that i can write these words and know that more than anything else they come from inside of me.  they speak of fear and pain and loneliness that no one can understand.  it does feel like i am fighting this battle that i can not win. i dont want to get trying but i dont know how to give up completely.  no matter how much i want to emptiness..the oblivion.. i am still here.  im still waiting for all of this to make sense to me.  t asks me to work on staying present..or living each day in the present.  why do i want the present?  Reality has never given me anything but sadness and hurt.  :(

not sure about things

im feeling off tonight.  sad.quiet. just at a real lost as to why i am here and what im doing.  today has been a day of nothing really.  yesterday was ok.  went to walmart last night and almost freaked in the store but managed to keep myself under control some how.  came home aroune 1 in the morning and told mommy i would not be going back out with her at 4.  get a call around 4:30 and mommy and nia and henry have experienced car trouble and need me to come and get them.  ok fine.  the problem was that i had taken a bit of meds late last night and so i was still working on muscle relaxers and sleep meds and so i really truly wasnt fit to drive and prolly shouldnt have driven at all but i did..went and got mommy and she of course still wanted to go to the store and what not..took her where she needed to go..took my brother and everyone places to get his car fixed..and each time i stop im falling asleep in the car. literally asleep in the car..and my mood just wasnt so great this morning and i was just tired and frustrated and slightly drugged.. and i ended up stopping for fast food this morning...not a good choice...my eating the past couple days truly has not been good and im trying to not beat myself up about it. and to remind myself that i do better when im in my own enviroment..with my own stuff and everything..and i know ill feel better when im home again and feel like i have more control over myself.  but being out of town and around so much food..yeah i went a bit over board...and all things considered my morning sugars have been awesome..the two days i eat like crap and my sugar is super low..blah..

im just ready to go home.  i am. i miss taji and bounce. i miss my place.. i miss my stuff.  getting away was nice. i will admit that..but i feel out of place without my stuff and im not comfortable..im just really not comfortable..i dont know how to explain it.  my thoughts are just all over the place. my head is quiet..but its a troubled quiet..something is bothering me ..and im not sure what it is.  im with family and lonelier than if i had stayed at home by myself :(   i dont understand.

i can identify whats wrong....

my head is truly getting in the way of things right now..i realize that i am being passive aggressive in my approach to get my supervisors attention back..and this is going to lead to all sorts of not so good things if i cant get it back under control.  being in the office today is making me sad because i want to talk to my supervisor but i wont allow myself to .. at least not about non work stuff..and im fighting myself hard on this..i want to talk to her. i want her to talk to me.i want her to hug me. and comfort me and hear me and listen to me..and in general just give me all of her time and attention..and ive been told that if i ask for hugs anymore im going to be told no..and im trying so hard to control myself..i am..but i feel the need to pull back away from her and i dont want to..what i want to do is like completely insert myself into her life and never ever let her leave me..can we say creepy...i dont understand the need..ok the compulsion to be with her..i really dont..and i really feel the need to once again stress that nothing about this is in any way sexual..ugh..yuck.... but i just dont know how to deal with it and its just upsetting me..because it is hard being near her and not talking to her..and well with some resolve that one its monday and 2 other ppl are in the office..so yeah no im not going to have a heart to heart right now...but its just i know her boundary and as much as i want to cross it i cant..and so it just leaves me feeling very confused..very conflicted..and hurt..and sad..and i cant understand why my needs associated with her are completely child like and its like i have to stop and explain myself to myself..i have to reason with myself. i have to prevent myself from throwing tantrums..i have to control my jealously and the desire to lash out at anyone who is getting my supervisors attention if it is not me..i dont make sense..i should know better..i should have myself under better control.. i shouldnt need her so much..but its like ill die without her..and i dont like that i cant have her as much as i want too. i just want to be forever with her..is that so much to ask ?? and maybe it is that its the holidays and that my need for comfort and support move into extreme levels..due to being around mommy more often..and dealing with all of that. and not being able to get comfort or support from mommy .. and so i know i can get it from my supervisor..well i could..but she has cut me off and i may as well just go and lock myself in a box or something so that i wont be near anyone and wont feel like i need to be comforted or hugged. or feel so lonely and just want someone to talk to or want someone to need me..just a little bit...my head is quickly moving into bad areas ..well im already in bad areas..now im just like setting up to stay for a while...im feeling suicidal again..im feeling sad and want to cut..i want to avoid how im feeling and cutting is well an escape that works..i just want to escape the next month and a half..thats it..give me oblivion and nothingness and quietness ... cutting is the only thing that allows for me to truly have a moments peace where nothing is bothering me and nothing is worrying me. my head goes quiet.. i am able to release all of my pent up feelings and thoughts and just all of it..for a little while..is that so much to ask for?

well since im up..my weekly pity party

im not sleepy..i want to sleep but im not really tired..i have a headache and im feeling a bit sickish..and im way to hot..which i think is just aggravating things tonight.  im hot and i have the windows open and still i feel like im going to die any second now..from over heating..and im half dressed and just in an increasingly bad mood..im really about to turn the air conditioner on..because i hate feeling so hot. and i cant sleep when im hot..and yeah...major issues tonight

im annoyed that taji and bounce still have fleas..and i spent 30 mins combing both of them down because i cant get them to the vet until the first week in dec..ugh.. and so ill just have to manage until then..i have some spray stuff and i guess ill have to spray again..but yeah ..gotta do something cas this is freaking annoying me and makes me feel so very dirty...and embarrassed..my cats have fleas..damn it..

im up and should be doing paperwork but once again im up and just not feeling like doing anything at all...paperowrk will be the death of me...no kidding...i hate it..and in the past month or so i hate it even more...i cant keep up...well i intend to keep up..i just am struggling a lot with getting it done and everything...blah..

ok back to my regularly scheduled plan of just laying down and staring at nothing for another couple hours..and then ill get up and get to work...thats my plan...

well damn

so im watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame and good grief this is so not really a kids movie... my goodness its not.  i mean i know i watched it as a child and i guess it was pretty scary then..but i watch it now and its like my god what was disney thinking?!!! the underlying sexual. themes, religious intolerance, religion in general, corruption, murder, geez i mean im all for social justice and telling a good story but yeah..i dont see this as a kids movie at all.. but who is paying attention to my 2 cents. yes there is humor, and the always included disney love story but at the same time its hard not to feel bad for quasi.. he lost the girl to the chief dude.. highly disappointing you know... but really ill stop now cas all things aside i do like the movie.  i can deal with this one and see the humor in it...i dont like fantasia though and i dont think ive ever really seen the whole thing.  ir eally dont..-shudders-

but on to other things..

today has been a bad day food wise and i am cursing myself horribly for going so far overboard with my eating...i mean i ate to much and had bread galore..and just ate and ate and ate and im so full and feeling so gross..and yes i know this is one of those things that i had to do inorder to learn from it..but god i feel awful..i realize that it has been a while since ive been so full or overeaten so blantly...and it wont happen again...it wont..i wont let it. another lesson learned...thats what it is..just another lesson and ill move on from this...

the urge to cut is pretty strong though right now..and i dont have it in me to fight it off...im going to be around mommy in less than four days..and the stress is overwhelming me..i want to cry and scream and not go home..and it seems like it should be an easy .i should know what to do..and still i cant do it..i cant say no..i cant not show up..i dont know what to do..and i dont want to go to be around my mom..it makes me feel so vunerable..so small..so childlike ... and i still cant manage it..i feel so very stupid for not being able to manage it. for not being able to just say no and stick with it.  what am i going to do ? what is it going to take.  im incredibly depressed right now ... this week.  i dont have the energy to even fake being happy. there is just to much to do..to much to prepare for..to much of my own stuff to deal with.  i wish i could just not leave the house for the next 3 days and just make myself strong enough to deal with going home. well to deal with being around mommy.  why is it so hard ?  i find no enjoyment in this..i find no enjoyment in the holidays at all. i really dont.  :(

have i mentioned that i have a killer headache?? ugh today and yesterday..ive had a horrible headache..

i want my supervisor..i want a hug..i want something that i am just not able to give myself..and i dont know what it is..i really dont..i just want something..i need something..but i dont know what it is.

my car is having some issues...its not enough that i had to get a new battery this past week because my car died on me again..no today i go to the store and spend to much money of course..and i come out of the store and my tire is almost completely flat! freaking hell...i cant get a break these days.im sorry to whatever damn god i have wronged..but something is seeing fit to make things just seem so darn miserable..a month of feeling sick and off and bad ..just to get past it and have to deal with numerous car issues that i cant afford...damn it..so now i have to figure out money for tires ..money for traveling..and hope that my account will make it..cas well im once again planning to over draw my account..and my next check is going to be really pathetic..due to all the time i ended up not working when i was sick and what not..so that check is really going to be a little miserable..and well im trying to get in as many hours as i can now..but yeah its slow...it is ...blah...my goal for tomorrow is to get in all of my work and get it in on time darn it..i cant be late again..

gosh i really need to talk to linda..my head is incredibly full and im just not able to process everything in my head and as much as i want to deal with and talk about old stuff..i cant freaking get past the present stuff.something is always happening..i mean i guess i am talking more..but yeah as usual i could be doing better you know..i guess i need to go back and find a few things i wrote before and give them to linda..all the things that i cant say...yeah.. but that is scary and makes me want to cry..maybe i need to work on a collage tonight..maybe that will help clear my head some...my not so great thoughts are just really overwhelming and i really wonder what the point of all of this is..and why it is even important to keep trying..why its important to stay alive...the holidays are supposed to be a happy time ..yet i feel more suicidal these days than any other time..well the suicidal feelings are more pressing these days and its harder to move past them..

is it possible to get money to grow on trees?? i may need that to happen asap .. blah

ok ... im done..for now anyway... and even all of this writing and my head still feels like a battle field.  joy

have to keep writing...

i know that right now i am on edge...incredibly on edge with everything..and i know that it is important for me to make sure im doing stuff to clear my head and keep my stress levels down..but i dont know. i cant write 24 hrs a day 7 days a week.  that doesnt make sense. but how else can i get myself to stay calm enough to get things done..im just sad about a lot of things.  and frustrated because i feel like i cant manage anything. once again im frustrated with myself.  i dont know what im trying to say right now.. head is a bit all over the place..blah

insert major tantrum here...

i want to scream. i want to cry and yell and pound on the walls. i want to just throw a tantrum and be a kid and never have to worry about or deal with anything else every again..im tired .. i really am very tired of all of this. 

i know that im just having a hard day.and that i will prolly feel better tomorrow or the day after.  i know i wont feel so down for forever, but right now in this moment it feels like everything is just messed up and im just messed up and i cant do anything right at all.  i know its my head going overboard and magnifying things.  i know all of this. and still i cant seem to stop the thoughts or even manage them.  they are just so overwhelming and i feel so stuck and very alone.  like i dont want to bother anyone with my problems because well everyone is busy with there own lives and they dont need me being so demanding of there time. so i just suffer..or manage. how ever you want to look at it. right now im just suffering and im not sure what is going to make me feel better.  what i want to do is just go ahead and take my night meds and just wait for sleep so that i wont have to keep thinking about stuff. but i have to eat before i can take all of my medicine.and that is even more upsetting right now.

i am hungry..im actually very hungry..but what i want i cant have. i want junk food. pure yummy saltiness and all things bad for you junk food.  im sick of being healthy..im tired of having to count everything. im tired of carbs and not being able to snack and of just all of it.  im sick of my health..maybe thats what im trying to say.  im sick of the fact that ive done all this stuff to myself and now im being forced to pay the price..and ill be paying the price for the rest of my life...first it was with the scars that wont be going away.  and now my own body is rebelling and unable to handle certain foods correctly..and so what has happened??? ive had to give up so much stuff..ive had to suddenly be so very aware of what im eating and when.  my weird eating habits are suddenly coming back in full force..and its all hard to deal with.  i hate the changes..i hate continuing to be so very different..i cant have the stuff i like and so finding new stuff to eat is hard..and i get tired of eating the same stuff over and over.  as much as i like subs im sick of sandwiches. im sick of fruit. and i god awful sick of chicken.. but what other options do i have?  if i dont eat healither ill die..and ill be darned if my stupid health stuff kills me..thats against the rules. and so i am just feeling the stress of it all today.  i mean gosh i havent even eaten a lot today darn it. i had 2 turkey burgers, grilled chicken with cheese and salsa, fruit..and for dinner im going to have a turkey sandwich and some soup if i ever manage to get up and fix it. i mean yes i am craving fast food awfully tonight. and i know its just that im hungry and frustrated about things. and i just want to eat..and well its easy to binge on junk food. it is. but i also know that if i have it then ill just keep eating it. i know im not great with dealing with temptation..im really truly not..so i cant have a lot of stuff in my house or ill just eat it..ugh..so ive been reminding myself that im losing weight..that im doing the right stuff to get healthy.  that i can get through this. but right now im just sorta focusing on getting through the night and making it to tomorrow without doing anything ill regret..

work is its own brand of stress...and with the hoildays here i am feeling more pressured about just everything.  thanksgiving is next week and that is overwhelming all by itsself..i dont want to go home..i dont really want to go to my sisters..and mostly i just dont want to be around mommy and have her looking at me and telling me everything that is wrong with me.  im stressed about everything relating to thanksgiving really..visiting with family. the long drive..the food...managing without going overboard..containing my depression and trying to fit in...i always have to work so hard to try and fit in..how i can feel so out of place in my own family? i dont want to deal with the stress but i have too.  i dont know how to get anyone else to understand that for me i cant go against the expectation. and then i feel like im failing..like i have no reason to complain when i am willing taking myself into a stressful situation. i have to go home, well i have to go to my sisters. its expected.  maybe i wont stay for as long..maybe i can come back early and cut down on some of the stress. i dont know. it keep being told that i can make the choice to not go. that im an adult and can do whatever i want.  its not that easy though, and i feel so stupid for not being able to break away from the bad stuff...i keep going..and i know it drives me crazy and makes me feel like dying..it happens every time...im more worried about going and being around mommy than anything else..mommy who can break me with only a few words of disapproval..or just one conversation about what i need to work on..add in all my recent medical stuff and i know mommy will be questioning me, and telling me what i need to eat or not eat. and i shut down. i take it. i get so upset and have to hide it. and then it comes out in other ways..later on..and thats never a good thing. but it will come out just a matter of how...

the issue with my supervisor is also really making me sad..and confused.. i know she is right but i cant seem to understand why she is right..i was talking to her the other day about some stuff..and well we got around to the topic of my wanting hugs from her..and she told me that she wont give me anymore because i keep asking and that she wants me to figure out what im getting from the hugs..you know in my head i was assuming i was getting comfort. i want hugs. but i only want them from her. i can ask her and not like drop dead on the spot. sometimes i know she will tell me no..and sometimes i have to make her understand that i need a hug.  but once again my inability to control myself has led to her telling me that she most likely will not give me a hug if i ask her for it. she told me that she will not enable me to keep doing something.  and of course my confusion became huge at this point because i was still stuck on wanting the hug and wanting to feel better. i didnt care that she may or may not have been enabling me. and writing this really makes me question the whole conversation we had and i dont understand why. i just want to be comforted. and its so hard for me to even acknowledge that.  somehow i have convinced myself that my supervisor is like my stand in parent and that only she can help me feel better.  i dont want to comfort myself. i dont ..i cant. i want her to comfort me. i want to be able to be with her all the time and have her keep me. i want to have all of her attention and all of her time and just be with her. and no im not a stalker i swear. but its as if i am trying to claim her as mine and that i can make her want me if im good enough.  i have to be good enough, i have to do things to make her happy and proud of me. i have to make her realize that she needs me. i can understand now that i didnt get enough comfort as a child. that i wasnt held or hugged enough. that i didnt get enouguh positive responses. but now that i know this i dont know how to fix it.  most of the time i am completely against being touched or hugged or even looked at.  but with my supervisor i want her to comfort me. i need her to comfort me.  i want to feel like im important, like im needed and wanted and loved. i want her to love me but i would never ever ask her that. i would never ask anyone that.  i dont believe it when mommy says it. and so i always wonder if i am needed. most of the time i dont think im needed or wanted.  most of the time i wonder how easy with would be to just disappear.  how easy would it be to replace me..i dont know how to measure my own self worth..and depend on other people for that.  and so i guess most of the time i dont think im good enough for anything or anyone..i want my supervisor to tell me that im good enough..i do like listening to her sometimes when she tells me all the stuff she sees in me..i like when linda does it to..and i may not completely believe either one of them but its nice to hear.  i need constant comfort and support lately and i dont like it..i want to go back to not needing any of it..i dont want to need hugs and love or any of that..but i do..and i feel like a starving child..i need so much and there is no one to give it to me and i dont know how to go about getting it.  so yeah the conversation with my supervisor left me feeling very not happy and throwing a tantrum in my head big time..like the whole nine yards yelling, screaming, crying..and yet i sat there and just avoided looking at my supervisor.  i told her she would have to remind me again of this conversation and explain it to me again.  and i really think she will have to.  because even writing this makes me want to talk to my supervisor and ask for a hug.  my need for instant gratification is still really high right now..i want to be comforted..i want to be comforted right now .. and this is just making me want to throw a tantrum yet again..i dont like this.

-sigh- there is just a lot in my head ..and im not sure how to get my thoughts under control tonight..

song

Like you and everyone else
beth hart

I've been to Hell and it looked just like Heaven,
I made a friend and I felt forgiven,
Like you, and everyone else...

I am ashamed but, I am just human,
With oceans of dreams, and seas of confusion,
Like you... and everyone else...

Holding my breath when I just want to scream,
Hidin' the face I don’t want you to see,
Making a mess of myself trying to be like you,
And everyone else...

They put me away, and told me I’m crazy,
I don't belong but, but maybe they'll save me,
Talk to the pain, it's been here forever,
The drugs make me sane, but they don't make me better..

Holding my breath when I just want to scream,
Hiding the face, I don’t want you to see,
Making a mess of myself trying to be like you,
like you...

Losing my faith when I say I believe,
Looking at you for the answers I need,
Walking away from myself, trying to be like you,
And everyone else.
Everyone else..

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me... till this is over..
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me... I am worth fighting for...

Holding my breath when I just want to scream,
Hiding the face, I don’t want you to see,
Making a mess of myself trying to be like you,
Like you..

Losing my faith when I say I believe,
Looking at you for the answers I need,
Walking away from myself, trying to be like you,
And everyone else.

(Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, everyone else...
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, like you...
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, everyone else...)

Walk in the rain, let it fall on my face.
There’s a shadow of doubt but a sky full of grace,
I’m not like you, and everyone else...

well i did something super scary...

today i offically signed up to go to a confrence on DID...i had been playing with the idea a lot and i do really want to go and i think it will be a big big learning experience..but it is scary knowing that i will be there and will be at a confrence with loads of people i dont know..yep super scary..but well ive registered now lol..so either way it looks like ill be going :P

this is a huge deal you know...i get so afraid of doing stuff alone and i am really good at talking myself out of stuff you know...but im going. .. i really want to start doing more stuff you know..stop letting fear control me so much...thats the plan anyway! may or may not happen that way..but either way i will be in fla jan of next year .

i was also reminded yesterday that i have a free hotel stay for fla that i need to use..and unfortunately i cant use it for the confrence because i have to come on certain days of the week...so ill have to pick another time to go..anyone want to go to fla ?? lol i can have up to 4 ppl in the room :)  literally speaking of course !

but yeah i gotta get up and moving..doc appt this morning..t appointment this afternoon..and work all inbetween...essh..another busy busy day!

today i am grateful

today i am grateful for the people who talk to me and help me when i just want to give up.

im grateful that i have begun to find people who care for me

:(

im just feeling pretty down today.  about everything.. about nothing.  im just sad.

doing things alone

i have been thinking about this a lot lately.  there is  confrence that i want to go to and its in january of next year..and i want to go..but i would be traveling by myself ..and that scares me a lot.  but i dont want to miss out on the confrence either..i really do want to go...but can i go alone?? why does it freak me out so much ?  i am an adult..i should be able to do things alone without freaking out about it. i really should..but fear continues to stop me..well fear keeps me from branching out and doing things.  i do want to go though and im just trying to convince myself that i can do it..that i can go. i will know ppl there..kinda..long story..but i would be going alone...hmm dont know...i cant decide..and sometimes the fear just stops me cold.and i cant do it..i get to scared..

ugh..i am more than my fear make me out to be...gosh darnit..i just gotta remember that...i am...

just some thinking....feeling reflective...

Never be afraid to contemplate new ideas and other sides. To ask yourself, “What if this Isn't true?” or “What if there Is another way?” For sometimes, the only way to see yourself clearly, or to change the course of your life, is to step into a new light. ~ Sandra Kring


well firstly ..i woke up this morning and was feeling hungry.  that was an improvement over yesterday!!!  big time improvement...and with everything that has been going on you know ill take what i can get.  i am feeling ok.  a bit sore from all the throwing up yesterday..sore fgrom inactivity..you know my usual body complaints going on.  i had a bit of a headache this morning and felt a little sick after eating earlier..but it is all calming down now..and i took all of my meds today..so yes i think im feeling a bit better.  i think a nap is in my future though. a nice long one!!

but today..and well yesterday..ive begun to notice again that my need for comfort is beginning to override my good sense neurons or something.  my need to be with my supervisor is extreme right now. and i know i havent seen a lot of her recently due to my own stuff and she has had some of her own stuff going on that keeps her out of the office..and so i am just feeling a big loss of sorts..like i need her and she is not available and so i havent been able to talk to her..about anything the past couple weeks and i guess it is all just building up and with all of my being sick and stuff my own head stuff gets pushed to the back and im sorta forgetting things to tell my therapist..and i am seeing my therapist weekly..but thats a different kind of support...i feel so very crazy when i think of my supervisor and the support she gives..it makes me feel small and safe..and i never want to be away from her..i never want her to let me go...where as i feel safe with my therapist and sometimes try to weasel in extra time with her..but i wont die if i dont see her.. i dont know if that makes any sense at all...maybe it is just that with not feeling well lately and being alone with not feeling well that i am just feeling way more vulnerable and needing the extra support and comfort.. i try so hard to control myself you know and i just get a bit lost when it comes to my supervisor...my need to be around her overrides my ability to remember that she is my supervisor an that i cant just tell her im breaking apart..i mean yeah she knows something is up..and prolly could tell me herself what i needed...but she hasnt heard anything from me in the past couple weeks short of me being sick and consistently not feeling well...but i saw my supervisor yesterday evening to get something from her and ended up asking her for a hug before i left her..and she gave me one..which prompted her to ask how i was doing and whatnot..and she told me that we would talk next week when she was back in the office...and im sure that we will at some point..but yeah..all the stress is just getting to me...it is..and i know im not doing enough to take care of myself..im truly not..and im still going back and forth between trying...so i dont know...just a bit down about things today..

just broken

im feeling incredibly broken these days...all i can do is try to manage myself and go to work.but lately most days i am feeling physically sick and unable to do anything ..i just want to lay down. to sleep my days away.  it is depressing constantly feeling so sick...i am feeling depressed and sad and just all out of sorts..and i try so hard not to let it show..but lately im just feeling so rotten..this morning i had major stomach troubles..i think i ate something that really didnt agree with me..and i was sick..horribly miserably sick and in pain this morning..im sorry but throwing up is not my idea of fun at all..and this morning was just bad..i thought i was going to end up in the emergency room..i truly did..but i didnt..i went to work for a little while an had my client actually tell me i needed to go to the emergency room, and that i needed to take medicine and have soup and crackers and ginger ale..ive talked to mommy so much today that im feeling majorly overloaded.. and my head is going crazy because i didnt take my medicine today..and all i ate today was bread..literally and figuratively just bread..thats all i wanted..and well it wasnt my smartest move at all health wise because all the carbs have driven my blood sugar through the roof but today i just didnt care..i was tired and sick and feeling majorly worn down. i just want to sleep for forever right now.. i feel like my body is having some major issues and is just breaking apart..its like its not enough that my head is in pieces..no now my body needs to break and fall apart.and i just feel completely let down...its been one thing after another and in the past 4 weeks i have stayed sick..meds made me sick, then i had a cold, then my gyno junk started up, and now possible food poisoning..im sick of taking medicine..im sick of not being able to do anything..i feel so very pathetic and useless these days.. :(

yuck

having a mixy mashy sorta night.  feeling hurt and sad and just a lot of stuff tonight.  ugh

today did not go as planned...

im feeling really frustrated..and upset..and just done with all of this..

ive felt sick all day...i cant catch a break..im done with the bc pills and so in a couple days the non stop bleeding will start..and already im feeling nauseous and crampy and just mad at everything..ive been sick so much the past few weeks im not sure anymore what not feeling sick is like and the pain meds i have arent strong enough at all..and its like i have to completely accept that ill just be bleeding and thats the end of it.. im frustrated with all of it..

my doc appt ran way over and i missed most of my staff meeting and i wasnt able to turn in my notes that i had actually done but still needed to print and there was no time ..and so they are late and i had actually done just about all of the dumb things..
and because i was so late and my mind on so many other things there was no time to talk to my supervisor at all..and i realize that once again the need for comfort is major high right now..
and everyone around me is getting sick and its all my fault from being in the office last week sick..and i was so stupid to try to work when i knew i was sick..but i dont get paid if i dont work..

and i saw ppl today but not everyone that i needed to see

mommy isnt listening to me
no one is listening to me
i tried talking to mommy more than once today but what she is doing with her granddaughter is just more important..and i want to scream and yell and throw a fit and just be so so so mad and tell everyone im mad..just so that i will get some attention.. is that so much to ask ??

my need to destroy myself is really strong tonight...being upset..ok being mad and not knowing what to do with the feelings does leave me really wanting to hurt..to destroy..to be mean..and its all directed at me..and so im trying hard to control the feelings and not act on them

i just want to go to sleep..im done with today..i really am ..

i dont know what to do to make any of this better for today..

im just going to sleep and will start over tomorrow

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.~ Harvey Fierstein

 

i like this one. i do .  it speaks to me. 

deepest fear

 

 

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
...
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

yucky miserable week

well...ive been sick all week..miserablly sick and tired and out of sorts all freaking week...im finally almost feeling normal but im still having trouble with congestion and what not in the mornings and at night..its a miserable existence...really..i actually want to take a nap right now..

im feeling a little bit down because of my eating yesterday and today..i feel like a failure you know...making bad choices..i mean on one hand yes im sick and tired and just want some comfort food..and im just getting annoyed and frustrated with everything that i cant have...maybe this will all make more sense you know when i find out exactly what it is that i can and cant have...i hate that ive just been told all of this information and its like ok figure out what to do...and so i am frustrated..and on one hand i hate how restircitve eating has become...i hate how everything single thing has to be planned out...and how much time i spend thinking about and planning what i can and cant have..without any guidance.. so yes the past couple days are been kinda pretty not great eating wise...could have been a lot worse you know...but i havent binged on fast food.no matter how much i wanted to..and i would have truly killed for pizza or a cheeseburger last night...i think i could have..ugh instead i had left over tacos...yum i know..and then this morning it seems breakfast consisted of left over snack size kit kats..like 8 of them annoying things..and then the icing on the cake (that i cant have) is that i went to the grocery store...first mistake is that i went hungry..and ended up picking up some chicken fingers and potato wedges for lunch..i could have made so many other choices..but no..i wanted it..and so i had them..and now i feel so guilty and stupid..like ive ruined things for myself or something...
ive used my crockpot today to make like chicken taco things with black beans and tomatoes..and you know got the low fat cheese and let, and tomato..but i went and got reg flour tortillas...again because i wanted them..and because im sick of not being able to have anything good..and its like what am i willing to give up you know..i have bought a loaf of bread in two weeks..ive had subway and quiznos once each this week..both on wheat bread..i havent packed my lunch and i ended up so very hungry throughout the day..and well yeah not the best week at all...

all in all i think ive lost maybe 12 pds or so in the past 2 and a half months..pathetic really..but at least it is a loss and not a darn gain..

but i am so very overwhelmed with all of this...im 28 and im looking at having to make choices about my health that will affect me for the rest of my life..i dont want to have to make these choices...i dont want to have to care about what happens to me..but this medical stuff..the diabetes and the high blood pressure..can kill me..quite easily it can kill me..and ok ive learned about it early and can make choices and changes you know..but i think im still wondering if it is worth it..if i want to make the changes..if i want to deal with all of the changes..i go back and forth between caring..sometimes its just to hard to know that i have to make the choice to stay alive and healthy..so many years of bad habits and bad beliefs and useing food as a crutch..and now im being forced to look at all of my choices and fix them..and i wonder if i can do it..i wonder if ill be able to do it and stick to it..

i had to physically force myself to bypass the chips, the snacks, the good stuff in the store today..i did cave on the fries and chicken tenders..but those are gone now and wont be tempting me all week you know...that was an instant gratification type thing..and well im done with the gratification part of it..and now im just feeling disappointed in my choice..and yes i know that it has really only been two weeks and im having to make all sorts of changes..and all sorts of things i cant have..and it is frustrating to me... in all honesty its like i gave myself the death sentence that ive always wanted..and now that its happening i feel completely at a loss for what to do about it..

i dont know ..

flat out pity party

well to say my levels of caring have hit an all time low would be understatement of the year..im tired and sick and i just dont want to do anything..the past couple weeks are wearing on me and im disappointed to say that all of the outside stuff is winning ...im so disappointed and sad about everything right now..and i dont want to do anything at all..and im sick and tired already of not being able to eat reg food darn it..im not so sure but i really think im losing weight fairly quickly..which should make me happy but im just feeling miserable..i would kill for a darn biscuit..a sandwich..crap subway..anything..and somehow my head is just like no not gonna happen..and that depresses me even more...gave up almost everythign you know and that is depressing me..and i know i still have lots and lots to learn about it all but its just wearing on me..and im tired of it all..and being sick makes me incredibly pathetic anyway..and all i want to do is lay down and watch time go by..

today is pay day and im really mad at myself that i may not be able to pick up my check..because i still have work to turn in..and i have to care cas im broke..and well cold medicine would be really nice...but still im just looking at the stack of work that i should have done already and i just want to leave it there and move on..but i cant get paid without turning my stuff in..and so i have till 5:30 ish today to get it in..and in between all of that i have to see a couple ppl..and i know i can prolly change things around with seeing my supervisor this evening with a client..because my head just isnt in it ..but im just getting more and more frustrated at myself for falling behind...once im behind i just struggle so freaking much to catch up..and it feels like i just stay behind...

im supposed to be seeing t this morning..and i really want to see her..i do..but i have to get my work done..and i feel like crap..and i dont know what i want to do..because then its like my day becomes broken up into like 2 hour increments..and i have a couple hours now before its time to see t..and then i have a couple hours after t..and then i have to meet someone to pick up something..and then i have to...well you get the picture..and so i could cancel t but that causes a lot of unrest..and causes me to feel really frustrated all over again...i may just have to figure out how to work around it all..and go see t and spend the rest of the day working on getting stuff done...oh i dont know..my head just isnt working properly right now..and i just want to lay down and sleep..and the logical thing to do is not see t and work on work stuff..but since when have i ever been logical?