living..loving..moving past the pain

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. ~ Romana L. Anderson

I wonder lately who i am and what has happened to me.. i wonder how i have gotten to this place...to this exact place where i am willing to allow another person to love me..where i have people who care for me..who want me around..i wonder how i am able to think and plan and really want to do more...when did i start living for me? what has changed that i actually want to live for me ? to do what i want to do regardless of anyone else? when did things change? and what made them change?

i dont know..and things feel different..things feel different..safer..calmer..stressful..worrisome..all of it and none of it..it does scare me..but i think i like the changes..i think im ready for the changes..im ready to get through the past stuff and move on..i want to move on.i want to grow up..and live my life completely..i do..and i know that it will involve a lot of work in therapy...a lot of talking ..and reaching out and support..i have to learn to accept comfort and stand up for myself..and say no and mean it..i have to accept the consequences of all of my actions..and let things go..i have to not ddwell on the little things..the past mistakes..the past pain..i cant carry it all around..it is a part of me..but i dont have to let it consume me either...

i will be okay..i will...

there are a lot of things that are changing..there are a lot of things that i suddenly want and i cant seem to settle for anything less...i want to move on..explore..have adventures...i want to be happy..i want to be positive..i want to be able to love myself and someone else..and to give and get in equal portions..and not give everything to one person and have nothing left for myself..
maybe that is what i ahve been trying to figure out lately..with all the supervisor stuff..and refusal to go home..and all of that that is going on lately..i actually learned the lesson that i some how needed to learn..and that i do need all of my supervisors right now..the ones who believe in me..and who talk to me..and offer me comfort in ways that i have never had it before..maybe its that my therapist is trying so hard to get me to live in the present and accept it for what it is...maybe i needed to have someone give me boundaries..very firm boundaries and i needed to know that i can respect them..and live with them..i will not fall apart when i am told that i cant have something..and yes i understand why she needed to put the boundaries in place..i really do..maybe more so now than i did last week when i struggled so much..i needed to be told over and over that i can be comforted and that it does not just have to be with hugs..and i have had a lot of people telling me lately..that this is progress..that this is growth..that i am accepting and acknowledging things in a way now that i have never done in the past..

it is odd that it is taken me this long..years and years of pain, and hurt and loneliness have gotten me here..living with friends..being able to talk to people who care...willing to have a relationship with someone that i do love and be able to get past the fear..maybe the whole huge thing is that im willing to take chances now..or that im willing to take one  chance and that will be a huge step in freeing myself from all of the past stuff...yes im still super afraid of a lot of things..and im super worried about a lot of things..but it is all manageable..it is all things that i can work on and deal with..even when it feels like i cant..i deal with it..and keep dealing with it..even through all the days that i wanted to truly give up and all the days i went and looked at pills in hopes of ending it all..or contemplated the benefits of suicide..and thinking that i just couldnt do it anymore..i never gave up..and i listened to my friend that i live with now..tell me over and over that i couldnt give up..that things will get better..i had my therapist telling me that i just need to keep holding on to hope and that it will get better..even if i didnt believe them..i heard them..i really truly heard them...goodness i still have a lot of work to do..a lot of things to get out and talk about and acknowledge...but im not the scared little girl i was even two years ago..im still scared of stuff..and have loads of trouble talking ..but i realized this week..that im not the same person i was when i left home and went to college at 17..im really truly not...what has happened to that girl ? where has she gone? 

i never thought i would be in this place...i really didnt..i was positive that i would have died long before i got to this point..before i accept a therapist who is willing to help me, or that i would be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine..that i would be counseling other people and families and doing okay at it ( ok i really cant say that im doing good at it cas that makes me uncomfortable!) i am asking for help..im starting to live..maybe thats the whole thing..im starting to live..and it may have taken me my entire life to realize that it is possible to move on..to grow up..to accept where i am at and live with it..but it is happening..it is..


i am not my past..and i dont know my future..all that leaves me with is the present..and i can either take it or leave it..but the choice is mine to make


-me

my hopes for next year

i hope that next year i will be able to take care of myself

i hope that my job stays stable and i am able to save money

i hope that i continue to use therapy for what it is and stop trying to keep secrets

i hope that i am able to learn to set stronger boundaries with people

i hope that i am able to keep being a good friend to well my friends both here and irl

i hope that i continue to write and do creative things when words fail me

i hope i am able to learn to budget and control my impulses better.

i hope i am able to pay more attention to my health and learn to take better care of myself.

i hope i am able to find just a bit of happiness

what am i thankful for

i am thankful for friends who care.
i am thankful to have  a job and  car and a safe place to live
im thankful for bounce and dusti who can make me smile and who i would be lost without

im thankful for my t and for my new friends i have made in va

im thankful for having fun conversations and knowing that i fit in somewhere

im thankful for you guys here who care and support and listen like no one ive ever known

im thankful for my t' and the people who keep giving me advise and nice words and unending support

im thankful for hugs

im thankful i am learning to express my wants and needs

breakthrough?

maybe i am looking at this mess that i have gotten myself into all wrong...maybe it is a good thing that i can identify that i want comfort from another person...even with my messed up perception and all .. maybe it is good that i can ask for a hug and deal with being told no..i may not like it at all and i am continue to think of ways to have that need met..but i can in the moment accept what im told..maybe being able to trust my supervisors regardless of what mommy is pushing into my head is a good step. well im trying to trust my supervisors..i really am...im trying to trust my therapist..im trying to trust my psychiatrist (ok well that one is taking way more effort)..but well i guess you get the idea...im trying..im connecting to something and im not sure i like it darn it..cas things have gotten really kinda messy with my head and its all confusing and in the way..and consuming..ugh...but things are changing..and that is super duper scary..and confusing ..and did i mention scary?  i mean i dont think i have ever been able to ask for a hug from anyone..and last week i asked for about 5..and managed to deal with my supervisors concerns at the same time...how is that for growth! essh..

but yesterday..i did something really very stupid and im trying not to freak cas i called and talked to my bank..and pretty much was told i will need to wait it out and see..i may end up closing my account and opening a new one..but yeah my way to help my money situation was not a smart thing to do..and god i know this..i know that..i know not to give out my bank info..and i really dont know where my smart genes were yesterday..but it was very stupid and very scary and im watching my bank account like a hawk..you know these lessons that you have to learn by making the mistakes are a pain in the a$$ .. but well yeah..trying not to dwell cas its happened and now ill just have to deal with it...but i really cant get over how stupid i was yesterday...no more trying to fix things..ill just wait until i have money and get paid and go from there..ugh

i can pick up my car today..yeah..trying to figure out how i am going to work that out...i may end up picking up my car tomorrow..i dont know...but its finished..and i sorta have the money to get it out..nad the insurance check is there..so that is one less worry..and somehow gotta get that taken care of...

i really do want my car back!

and well there is therapy today and gosh i am like ready to tell her everything if i means that i can get it out of my head..so much going on...and well not to mention i called her last week..and talked to her..and ive had to restrain from calling her again and again..but i did call her and i know that we will talk about that..and well i think i need to keep talking about the issues with my supervisor..and i want to show her my collages..i want to make a nother one..cas head is so full right now...i want to talk about thanksgiving and how im not going home and how that feels..ugh one hour just is not enough time anymore...and i think that once i get back on track with paying my bills off there im gonna ask if i can come twice a week..i am ...right now i feel like im finally getting somewhere..and once a week is just not enough. my need for acknowledgment and comfort are to strong right now...-sigh- i dont know...  but i think yeah ill go and do some collage stuff and then some work stuff and then get ready for therapy and the day....

yeah thats the plan...

collages

.  

guess should explain these just a little bit...or maybe i should just wait for questions bout them...i dont know...

the one .. with all the mom stuff is kinda some of what is going on and what we are like transferring to my supervisor..i want to be comforted and loved and cared for..really do

and the other is just the general mass confusion of my head..a lot of back and forth..avoiding ..hiding..running.

messy situations :(

today has not been the best day at all...and im getting tired so im sorrry if this doesnt make sense at all..

i rushed to my eval this morning and end up getting there right at 9...and then waited 45 minutes for my supervisor to finish getting things ready...and its like really i did have something else i needed to do...but ok i let that slide..and did my eval...i got a 55 cent increase joy...but you know the eval its self wasnt bad...but then we went through this checklist thing that i had to fill out..and well i scored myself pretty harshly..and there were some differences between my answers and hers..and so then i had to explain how i was scoring myself..and she told me that next time i have to score myself accurately cas im not giving myself enough credit...but you know no biggie..cas i most likely wont be any less harsh next time..but then she said that we were going to talk about what was going on for me..and well i wasnt going to..i really wasnt..but then i just told her a little about what was going on and some of the issues with mommy and being home..and well we talked about cutting and coping skills and respect vs fear..and it was a heavy conversation she told me that she knew from the first interview that the scars were from cutting..and she mentioned seeing the ones on my chest also..i almost showed her my arms..almost...but we talked about how it would be if i was assigned to someone who cut..and how that would be..and well we talked for a long time..she talked about some of her own stuff to and how she could relate you know...and we talked quite a bit about making choices and doing what i wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do...and she told me that i could call her any time..and that of course what we talked about was confidential ...and she let me go..and then i just had to go to my other supervisor..but i was feeling so exposed and scared and vulnerable and i didnt know what to do..and really wanted a hug..so i went to my other supervisor..and asked for a hug..and that turned into one of her 'ok close the door and have a seat' conversations..and it was like well crap i really will need a hug after all this talking! but she told me that she wasnt sure how she felt about all the hugs..and that she wasnt sure if it was good for me to keep coming to her for hugs..and so we talked about that..and how i was feeling and well i do understand that as one of my bosses i cant get like a million hugs from her..and i mentioned just asking for 1 hug a week..and then turned around and told her that it was unfair that i couldnt have hugs..but i do understand that im toeing the line of professional and unprofessional behaviors...i really am and so i can understand her concerns..i really can..and i dont like them at all..and so i ended up talking to her some about therapy and how i was kinda using her to fill a need totally unrelated to work and that i wasnt completely sure what was behind it..but it was another heavy conversation..and i only got out of it because she had to run out for something..and that meant i could leave.. ..but she did give me a hug..a real hug before i left today..but she also told me that if i asked for more than i would have to talk to her about what was going on..and she told me that the conversation was definitly not over with..and that we would continue it another time.. i mean how do i explain to my boss that i want to be attached to her hip and to never leave her side because she is safe..and i dont want her to think im weird or crazy..or anything..but the feelings im associating with her are really strong and i dont know how to really truly explain how i feel so connected to her that i cant control myself..and if im not trying to completely stare at her or keep track of where she is at ..then im like trying to get a hug from her or have her talk to me..cas she does listen and i know that she likes hugs..and all that stuff..and its just an area where im really truly lacking..and i just dont know .. ...but i left her and kinda wandered for a bit cas was feeling to overwhelmed to do much..and was going to skip the rest of work..but ended up going to work..and it was boring ...but my head was still kinda reeling and i was tryin to think and focus and i just had trouble with it..i left that house and ended up on the phone with mommy..and it was just ..i hung up with her and felt so out of it and angry..very angry cas im not being listened to and i cant say im not being listened to..and its frustrating cas she can break me so very fast..and then i really was feeling aimless and overwhelmed and upset..ended up sitting in the parking lot of a rug store for a little while..before going inside..i wrote a little bit..and then went and walked around in the store..which led to looking for razors and i looked for them and got mad cas i couldnt find them..and then did find them..and realized what i wanted and that i couldnt have it..and so texted for a little while..and then bought a bunch of magazines instead of buying razors...and then call the emergency line for my t and it took a couple tries but finally stuck with it and they called her and she called me..like super fast she called me..and i talked to her about what was going on..im all talked out..and i really was feeling out of control and on edge and just not in a good place and i told t that..and she helped me calm down enough to go to work..and well work was a disater tonight..and i left his house after about an hour because of the kids behavior..and so just came home..and well that drive was its on adventure..but am now home and just want to sleep..really thats all i want right now..im tired and drained and just afraid of things..upset i needed to call linda tonight..and that i felt so unsafe that i wanted to just give up..have an escape..again..its becoming more frequent again..i did tell linda that i felt really unsafe with myself when i was at home..and its just been a lot of hard convos..and feeling so not ok with all the talking and trying and ugh..its frustrating ... and im tired of work and

**insert random falling asleep last night and not finishing this***

hmm did calm down enough to go to work..and then then left within an hour cas the kid was off the chain and i wasnt up for dealing with him and my own stuff last night..i wasnt..so i left..and we have rescheduled for sunday...fun.. and so came home and well crashed pretty much...dont rememner how much medicine i took..cas woke up this morning feeling majorly drugged..and was trying to remember and cant.. i wanted to sleep..and i did..but now im awake and unsure again of what im doing or well not doing...

i think the problem..well one of the problems currently ..is that i cant balance the boundaries ...i really dont know how to...im pushing hard against the boundary with my supervisor with the hugs and all that..and i know that and understand it..but wanting them and wanting to feel comforted overruns my sense of logic and knowing better..and she is trying to put boundaries in place and i dont like it..i dont want the boundaries..i want her to be able to comfort me..because im scared and anxious and unsure of things lately...she and the other supervisor tell me that i can call them anytime...but i dont know how to handle that..because i would call every day..and not be able to talk..i already want to call them but i am unsure of how to cross that line..im not sure what is acceptable..and they both said i can call anytime..but i dont know how to limit the contact.once i start ill want to keep doing it..and ill want to keep going to them ...and icant...i cant regulate my emotions or feelings very well by myself...and maybe that is why i called linda last night and texted a friend...i have to be told and reminded that i need to calm down..and i need to think and do one thing at a time..and all this stuff..i get so caught up trying to look at and fix all of it that i just make it worse and not better..and then i end up a compete basket case and cant rein myself back in without an outside person or someone reminding me that i need to chill out..and then i start wanting to escape..to hide..to run away or hurt..i really wanted to hurt last night..i did...but managed not to..

i dont know..

weight watchers ...food...the hoildays..

so ive been thinking about this alot lately and ive been looking up the points and everything and you know just thinking about if i could do it or not..and well i think im getting close rand closer to deciding that i want to do weight watchers..i just get nervous thinking about starting it and seeing what happens..i have ..well this morning i looked up the points for like what i have been eating and its horrible..like really truly horrible ..and like over the top..using up points and then some..not that im counting right now.  its just a pain in the butt you know..cas the more i learn about all the weight watchers stuff the more i start counting stuff and its like holy crap...and i wonder why i cant lose weight ?!  its because im eating like i have no sense left in my head and i know better..but im using food as a crutch..i know i am..i really do..and i really hate that im doing it..but its like anything bad happens and i want to eat..anything annoying or frustrating or upsetting and i want to eat..ugh..its such a pain in the butt..and i dont know how to stop it..i mean i managed a couple days last week without fast food and then all it took was like one bad thing to happen and it was like noope i want to eat and i want something now and so it turned into fast food and then once i started i couldnt seem to stop again and its just a frustrating cycle that i have gotten myself into once again..and i have been thinking about purging again..and ive been thinking about not eating again and its all just a mess in my head when it comes to food cas well its all i think about it and its all overwhleming in its own way..and now the holidays are coming and im starting to freak about going home and being around mommy and her telling me you know that ive not lost weight..and im not sure if i gained or not but im certainly not losing anything..and i know she is going to just take one look at me and scream and push and do all her usual stuff to let me know how much i just suck at life you know..and it makes me nervous to gohome..and it makes me scared to go home too cas i dont want to have to deal with that...becuase its going to juts lead to an immediate and total shut down..i know it is..its like clockwork..and its like i know she will just take one look at me and have to point out all my current flaws and then just look at me like im a disgusting bug that she just wants to step on...facial expressions are pretty obvious you know..and well she doesnt go out of her way to hide hers..and so ive become quite accustomed to her looks of disgust :( i really have..and i try so hard not to let them get to me ...but its hard..and i dont know how to NOT let it get to me..i was looking at my calendar today and thanksgiving is really like just a week and a half away :( thats all...and not even 4 full weeks after that is christmas..and between the two of them that is a lot of time at home ...and im trying to figure out money and everything and im freaking out about all of it..i mean i need money to get my car out..and for bills and ugh...i just dont have enough for everything..i dont... :(  its not good ..and i hate it cas its so just ugh i hate money...you know..i keep trying and trying and trying and still things are piling up so very much..and i cant manage to keep up...and it makes me feel so sick of trying :(

and this week is going to be busy...ill be up most of the night doing paperwokr i guess because it is due tomorrow no questions asked..so i have to get it done..fun fun fun...and then lots of work stuff to do this week and even more running around you know...lots of sessions with clients...and all that..gotta figure out my school schedule too and the classes that i need to see..and i have court on tuesday morning with a client..

therapy this week has me nervous and i keep thinking that i want to cancel it becausae it is going to be scary..and i wish i could remember what it is that we talked about..or what it is that i had homework about..but i dont remember...i just vaguely know what we talked about concerning mommy and her threatening to kill me..and i remember linda telling me that i could leave it all in her office and not worry about it..but i think i took that as im not going to remember any of it..cas i dont remember the session..i dont remember what we talked about..and i dont know..im just afraid..and feel completely exposed you know...

i know i owe my t and pdoc a lot of money..and i do mean a lot...and they are being so nice about the fact that i keep coming and umm cant pay :( and im hoping that i will have my insurance card by dec first so that i can take it to the office and then can start running it for my insurance and then ill be able to start paying off what i owe and not letting it get any higher...thats what i want...

and well i have to remember my bills..im so disappointed that it will mostly likely be in january before i manage to catch up :(  because i know that i am asking a lot of my friends that im staying with..and i know that we have a plan and a contract and everything..and i want to do my best to stick to it...and im going to try..but i guess i am feeling the time frame a lot right now and im worried that i wont be able to do it..or that ill have to find a place to move out and all of that ..and i guess im just feeling a bit worried about things and how things are going to work out...

i dont know...just a lot on my mind right now...

i

....hmmmmm

finally..finally it is friday and the day is over with for me...well all the work stuff is finally over with...gosh ...am so tired and sick and just worn out from this week..and so that means pretty much a day and a half of no work...cas have to work on sunday early in the afternoon and i think ill spend some time in the office on sunday doing work and what not...so that it will be all done and ready..cas now all notes have to be done on monday morning for both jobs..and i just want to be caught up you know...i want to not have to worry about it anymore ...so yeah thats the plan...but tomorrow its like an utterly nothing day..nothing is going to happen..nothing is going to get done..if i stay in bed all day then so be it..darn it...i just want one day were im not having to wake up at 5 in the morning and driving to town and what not...just one day..is that so much to ask for ?

work was ok i guess...got it done..mix up with one of my schools and i didnt send my schedule last night cas of well being sick and going to sleep within an hour of getting home ...and im sure sleeping at 7:30 is a big big sign that well i wasnt feeling good..but yeah..so one school is mad at me..and one is happy..and one is just in the middle and still kinda neutral...next week will stink kinda..cas there will be a lot of rearranging of my schedule...3 preschool classes to see, 2 staff meetings, 2 supervisions, 1 90 day eval meeting and well umm 4 maybe 5 clients to see at least 2 times a week EACH..AND possibly teacher and parent meetings will end up happening next week also...and then add in my own random personal stuff and therapy..and im looking at my week like WTF ... maybe i need to call it quits now before next week even starts and give myself a break...essh...so messy...and so busy..and tiring..and well the possibility of getting my car back is also next week at some time..and yeah..like i said..it will be busy...and im realizing ..rather late in the game .. that with my jobs..i just cant make everyone happy and i think ive gotten so caught up in trying to keep everyone happy that im just getting more and more lost and overwhelmed with things..

it was pretty disappointing today to realize that my plan of how things were going to work out and how things are working out are two very different things ive screwed up my pay checks for next week..i really have..and i know i have to live with it ..i do...but i also realize that im kinda royally screwed right now money wise..and my hole of despair is growing and growing and growing (but my meds are stopping the sui feelings from forming..blah )..and i feel so caught in it all i guess..cas i keep thinking about how much money i need next week vs how much ill actually have...and what ill need to go home and all of that..and its frustrating and hard and ugh frustrating ..and i dont know what i can or cant pay..i really truly dont right now..i know what i have to pay and what i cant get around paying..and im trying hard to keep as much money as we can in the bank to kinda help with the cost of things..but even that is dwindling..and its just ...i guess things are going slower than planned and then all the extra car stuff going on is making it all really hard to deal with..and yeah..im trying to be patient...i truly am..but its hard...its really really hard

guess trying to kinda avoid what was talked about in therapy..on tuesday..i dont want to think about it..but little bits and pieces are still creeping in and im stuck wondering what happened..and what they are about...they make me sad though..and i keep thinking that im just tired of the secrets..but im not sure i can go and blab them all to my therapist at the drop of a hat..but i am tired of keeping them..im tired of feeling so awful and miserable..and i guess i just know that my life is passing me by and im missing it...i couldnt figure out the other day if i was just existing or if i was actually living..you know im out and about during the day..but im awful at relating to people...and yes i work as a counselor..and yes im still quite awful relating to people..i dont know how to do it..im uncomfortable doing it..god i hear praise and i shut down almost...and i dont want to be like this forever..its hard..its tiring..im tired..and i know that this thinking to can change at the drop of a hat to..but maybe its enough for now to just be thinking about it.. i just want out you know...some how there has to be a way out...

but anyways...im starting to cough and throat is hurting again so guess its time for more medicine and laying down..

sorry for rambling..

im tired...

im tired...like worn out drained tired..im tired of giving and giving and i dont know ..i just want the weekend to get here because i feel like im going to crack...but i gotta get some work done..so yeah...laters...

moving on...yep

i need to figure out things for work next week..i realize that well one i need to not miss anymore work..and two i need to figure out to do about my jobs and all of that...i admit that having some time off did do wonders for making me feel calmer and more focused...but also knowing that well its time to go back to work is a big pain in the butt lol...gosh being an adult is a hassle...but well the insurance person is coming to look at my car tomorrow morning..and i realized a little late that well that means i wont be going to my staff meeting tomorrow morning..and i may not be going to my staff meeting tomorrow afternoon...i may go and see clients in the afternoon and evening though...and not worry about my staff meetings...i have some paperwork to turn in that i can finish up and email for the most part..or turn in tomorrow afternoon...im not sure yet how tomorrow is going to work out..and then i was thinking about just going and getting the rental but that wont work either cas well i would prefer im not sure about the deductible yet and when it needs to be paid..so i have to ask that tomorrow morning..and see..and i actually did want to go to my meetings tomorrow ...so a lot of thinking is going to be involved i think...and planning...i need to reschedule all of my clients for this week..and make sure i actually am seeing them..cas im supposed ti be turning in my hours for the past couple weeks tomorrow..which is also why i need to show up at work..and well my hours are miserable...and i need to get on the ball..with work and stuff....and i also got an email from one of my supervisors at my second job and was told that one of my clients has asked for a different counselor...and well i figured that was going to happen and i dont mind at all that she did..but i feel bad that it came to this..i mean i know i havent been giving her enough time and that she is suddenly needing me all the time and i just cant manage it...but i still feel guilty and like ive messed up...and the past couple weeks have just been really bad and all sorts of things have happened you know..and it stinks big time...but when i talk to my supervisor about it i will just let her know you know that things just havent worked out lately...and move on...gosh..its hard..being and adult..making changes...struggling so much and still having so many families depending on me to show up and help them..goodness...

but i was looking at jobs online yesterday and there is a job fair on thursday evening i think...that i kinda want to go to and check out..i mean just to see what it is about..and well it seems like the company is really looking for people and i guess i want to keep my options open..but i do want to go and at least check it out if possible.

but did call my insurance yesterday..and thankfully it was ok..it went a lot better than i thought it was going to go..and well that made me feel better a lot ... and someone is going to come and look at my car tomorrow..and then ill just have to figure out when i can take it in ...and well things are moving along i guess....

today im also going to have to turn in my key to my old apartment..and well that is making me feel really sad and well just sad ... its so weird how things change you know..and i know they are changing for the better..but i guess the apartment was my last link to like having our own place...and i know its like short term and stuff..but yeah..will try again in a few months..ok i guess its time for me to get up and get moving with my day....thats the plan ..hmmm im pretty sure i have a plan for the day ... wow..head cleared so i think i needed to write...


dreams have been really weird lately...very very weird and im not sure if they are scary or not but just...umm yeah...a bit off lol...

ok really am going now...

hurting...sad...just i dont know...

was in an accident kinda today...car is messed up but driveable...banged up but not majorly hurt :(  feeling stupid and worried and scared big time right now...dont want to drive..or anything..just keep messing things up.

still frustrated

im frustrated...i feel frustrated and just unsure...i have a headache and just want to lay down and not think anymore ..but i keep thinking because i just dont know what to do..i dont know if im just frustrated at myself or at my jobs or at the world...i cant tell anymore...and im trying to figure it out and i just keep going on and on and on..

as things become stable..the more unstable things get...

and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...

but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that
me

where do i go from here?

well i have moved...for the most part i have moved..there is still some cleaning and small things that i need to take over to the storage place this week..and then it will be over and done with..and then ill be able to focus on paying off that rent and the other bills and paying mommy back..cas well now that i dont have rent she is expecting to get the money she loaned me back..and im not even sure really how much it was :(  my fault for not keeping track better..but its upwards of $1000 i think...she paid my rent twice..and umm my car note and phone bill a couple times..so yeah i owe her quite a bit of money and she as already said that by mid nov she wants some of it back..and shes already told me that it needs to be a fair amount and not a little bit...so yeah..i know im going to need to sit down and figure out what i will be able to pay and what i cant..cas im just sick of bills and being behind with everything...i am..it frustrates me horribly...so that is going to get worked out asap...and then saving and all of that for the holidays and everything...so yeah..guess ill just have to see how it goes...

work stuff will be busy this week..but i am getting to go to the pumpkin patch on wed..which i am looking forward to actually..and heather and her husband invited to this halloween get together on saturday..i guess i have really gotten out of habit with being around other people and living with someone else...ive been used to my own space and my own messiness..and just being alone and struggling..and now that im in a house with 2 other people..i feel lost and confused..because im stuck in 'good behavior' mode..and im trying to stay out of the way..but at the same time its feels like i am hiding and isolating..and its just that its new and different and im unsure of things..and so i end up being really quiet..and kind of aloof i guess..and i dont want them to think im not grateful..because i am..im just trying to get used to everything and being in a new area is fairly nerve wrecking for me...but im trying...i think..i hope..

but now that the moving is done i have to start paying attention to work again..and getting stuff in on time and all of that...ugh...not fun...not fun at all ...blah

maybe ill just lay down for a little while and then get up and do work stuff...

moving

i really almost cant believe im moving today...im scared ..worrried..things are changing and i keep saying it will be ok and that this is a good thing..and it will be ok and that its just short term.but still im scared some...but i gotta go and try to pack some more

im just tired

how is it that the one day ..the one week i need for work stuff to be ok...its all emergencies and crisis and i need i need i need from everyone possible please tell me how my clients keep increasing and my time is dwindling..and im frustrated to all heck with everyone else and their issues...i have my own issues to deal with too ok...im not some super hero and my life and my time is just soley dedicated to my clients and there stuff... sunday is turning into a work day..and tomorrow will not be a complete day off..and its like crap..ive worked every day this week and done all sorts of things to do with moving..and still i end up slacking on the moving stuff and having to put more and more time to work..and i keep trying to say no i cant do it..and it doesnt happen and so my time keeps getting taken away from me.. and its hard you know..im tired..and its all just wearing me out.big time..and i just want a break...but i dont know how to take a break right...im obssessing about money and bills and needing to get as many hours as i can..and i try hard to keep at least an hour for t and not let anything get scheduled in its place..but right now its like maybe i need to rethink that..maybe i need to just give up on having time to my self..and just give all of my time to work and running around and meeting everyone elses needs and not my own i try and keep trying so hard to make it all work..and at the same time i have to realize that this wont work forever..but right now i dont have the security with either of my jobs..and one does not outweigh the other..and im trying to hang on to both of them until i have to really pick one or the other...until i know for sure what will happen ...because in the end i have to get the job with the insurance...or else i need to find one with insurance...ugh..its all just hard and confusing..and im just tired...

and then i wonder why i cant manage to focus and pack..by the time i get home i dont want to think about packing..i just want to lay down and go to sleep...but i look at all i have yet to do and i feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.

and i just dont want to do anything at all...

i panicked...

i dont know what i was thinking...i panicked big time today..well this evening..in tears..freaking out..falling apart..the whole nine yards..i was not ok..and well it happened because of moving..because suddenly things are not ideas anymore ..they are happening..and i have to manage to get it together to pack and move by saturday..

guess how many boxes i have?  guess how much i have actually packed?  how much i have gotten done?? or started??
 NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...

im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..

suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...

im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...



and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my  'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...

i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..

deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...

no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...

somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(

med issues

i dont know what to do about the current meds..im not sure they are helping but i dont know what else to ask for

i mean this past week ive been tired..and i thought it was the depression you know..i know being depressed can sap your energy big time..and yeah ive been depressed a lot..and so literally all i was doing was going to work and coming home..and spending a little time online..and then just going to bed..a few mornings i over slept..then i struggled to get up and moving and get out of the house...and then yesterday..i really just pretty much slept all day..something that i never ever do...and well i guess i was feeling super depressed yesterday..i dont know...maybe i cant even tell when im depressed anymore because i just stay depressed...but today..i didnt nap at all..i tried a couple times though ..and really had to force the no going to sleep rule today...but all i think about is sleeping..and all i want to do is sleep..and maybe thats making it a little more extreme than it is..but really i seem to only last a couple hours..and then i spend the next ten hours yawning or something..and i feel like i have no energy..and i realize it can be a lot of different things playing into it..i mean no im not eating the healthiest..and now im prolly not taking the best care of myself...but i think the depression makes it all worse..and i dont know..i mean no the meds arent going to fix things..but darnit i would hope the meds would give me a fighting chance at least..and nothing is making things better or more manageable or anything...and im just frustrated with all of it and not sure anymore what i want or need to ask the pdoc about...

currently i have 3 meds...im not sure if i need the trazodone stopped cas of feeling so tired...i dont know if i want to ask for the effexor to go higher so that i can feel saner..and im not even sure what the celexa is doing...i dont know if i should ask to try something different..or if there is anything that will help me focus and feel motivated and all of that..i dont know if i need to ask for the ones im on to go higher..or if i need to consider stopping them..and letting pdoc figure out something else..i just dont know..and i see pdoc on tuesday to talk about the meds and all that..and id rather not have another talk about hospitals and such..and so that means telling her whats going on..and im not sure whats going on..im just tired and sad all the time..thats all..i guess the sui feelings are a bit less..i dont remember if ive written about it any this past week..hmm no i think there were couple days..but not as bad as it was the week before..so no i dont know what to do about it at all ..i was thinking well maybe it would be best to just work out the effexor and increase it cas it helps the most i think..but if the effexor is the one that is making me more and more tired then well increasing it wont do anything but knock me out..which may or may not be a good thing.. havent decided on that yet..but i would rather that was increased i guess over increasing any of the other ones...or maybe i just need to try a different anti depressant..

ugh..i feel like all im doing is just repeating myself over and over and over..and not getting anywhere...

so i guess its just going to be meds..and heading to bed..

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

.....

i think all ive done is sleep today...

really..woke up at like 7:30...ended up sleep again by 11:30...up again at five...and just took meds again for going back to sleep..

im not thinking..or doing anything at all except watching the hours go by until i can go back to sleep..i dont want to have to think anymore..my head hurts..and when im awake all i think about is how messed up everything is..and how hard everything ..and how much everything how much everything is just messed and depressing and not ok...im tired you know..im really tired everything is a mess and i cant fix any of it

things are changing a lot...

well things are changing ... im moving..well im moving with a frriend..which will be happening the weekend of the 23rd...will be staying there for 3 months...going to try to keep it to three months and then you know find my own place to live...again...i just need some time to regroup..and get things in order...and save up a bit...before trying again on my own..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..

have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...

just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..