guess i need to finish from yesterday...

im gonna try to write this quickly because i still have paperwork to do..yuck...

but hmm i didnt finish writing about yesterday and everything..well i ended up going to church yesterday..and i went without getting in touch with jessica first..i really wanted to though..and so i got there and had to really restrain myself from sending her a message..but i think that if i had gotten there and not seen her im not sure i would have stayed..but she was there and i was just hanging out at the back and looking around because i was feeling scared as usual and trying to decide if i wanted to leave or stay..and finally i saw her and she of course can and got me..and i think i would have been fine hanging out in the back! but it was ok i went and sat with her...and then she had to leave to take care of stuff a couple times and i ended up feeling incredibly exposed and what not..but she came back so it was ok..and she gave me a hug..which was the other reason i completely made myself show up..but i did get lots of hugs yesterday..and so anyway..i was having a hard time yesterday anyways..and so i was a bit out of it in the first place ..but then after all the music and what not and offering and all of that and i got confused because the pastor started talking before he usually did and that kinda threw me cas he was messing up the schedule you know..because im a stickler for schedules..essh..but it was just talking and the actual sermon was later on..like it was supposed to be...and umm the sermon started and i was trying to listen but my attention was incredibly drifty yesterday..and i just kept thinking about other stuff..and my morning and the bad dreams..you know all the stuff i prolly didnt need to be thinking about..but i was trying sorta to pay attention..umm but the message for yesterday was umm letting go of the past..letting go of secrets..and so on and so forth..and im sitting there feeling more and more like im wearing a darn sign that says we must specifically talk about whatever it is that im going through..i dont understand how it keeps happening like that?!?! but darn it all to heck becuase it is very unnerving ..but yeah i just ended up getting more and more uncomfortable..and spent a lot of time playing with my fingers..because my eye contact was really bad yesterday..and so i got through the sermon and then they do the whole if you want prayer or if you want to join the church you can come up...and good grief i have total control over my self during this because gosh darn it i would have gone up there..but a couple things stopped me..one was that the pastor is a guy and im not comfortable having him or anyone else touching me that much..and well i am really uncomfortable being in front of people who are all like looking at me..and i wouldnt let myself do it..but i really wanted too..and then of the darn jealously set in because as much as i didnt want to be there i still wanted the care and support that comes from it..and so i watched the entire thing and seriously was just staring at it all..but i refused to be a part of it..and i was standing very still just watching..and jessica asked if i wanted to go and i said no..she said she would go with me and i still said no..and then she asked if i was worried that the pastor was going to hurt me..and i didnt answer that one but i stopped looking at her but i guess that was answer enough..and she asked me again once more and then said she would stop asking ..and she was just you know near me..but i was again in my own little world watching what was going on and wanting to be a part of it so very much..but i couldnt do it..jessica did mention that it would be a big step and well i nodded to that one..because well it would be a huge step..a huge huge scary step and im not there yet..im not comfortable with the people there..but gosh darn ppl kept saying hi to me and asking if i had been before and so forth..like at the end when they are doing the meet and greet stuff ..and jessica got me in there again and i was getting information about the womens retreat because i do want to do that but again im scared to do it..and of course im standing there avoiding eye contact for all its worth and jessica is talking for me..and she had asked me earlier in the week about maybe asking heather if she wanted to come to the retreat..and i did ask her but havent gotten a response yet from her...and i would be prefectly ok with her coming .. but im not as comfortable say with asking my sister to come..but then out of no where jessica said  ill pay for you to go..and immediately my head started to protest..because its like umm no i cant accept that...and things like that make me doubt my good sense and its like why are you doing so many nice things for me and listening to me and talking to me ... i have a hard time just accepting things for what they are..and i know that jessica will not hurt me..i do..but i worry that she wants something from me when there is stuff like this involved..talking in the office is fine...inviting me to her church..a little less fine but not you know a huge huge deal...spending almost $300 on me is like wait stop for a minute..because i need to know why..i get scared then..and i did that a lot with a few of my teachers from college..during like my last year when all sorts of things happened with that..and it was like i need you to explain why it is you are trusting me when i havent done anything at all to gain your trust..it was me asking what do you want from me..it makes me nervous...but i didnt say anything ..at the time..ill think about it more and prolly ask her about it all the same at some point..but then she had to go and do other stuff and i was waiting for her sister to come and get me..and so i was in an almost corner..i was as far away as i could get from everyone else without actually being in a corner..but there were so many ppl coming into the room and none of them i knew and so i was feeling anxious..and to my absolute horror ppl just kept saying hi to me and asking how i was..and i mean be horrified but im not completely rude..so i did introduce myself..and managed to like utter my name..but when im nervous and in new situations i dont talk loud at all and i most certainly did not intitate a conversion with anyone..but i was watching as many ppl as i could..and well of course all of this happened after i did everything but avoid spending any time with the pastor..i wanted to avoid him but of course he was there waiting at the end of the service to say hi and shake hands with everyone..and being one of the first ppl out i couldnt avoid him at all..and so i shook his hand without looking at him and tried to pull my hand away from him..but well  i just kinda was there during the whole meet and greet thing until jessicas sister came and litterally got me..and kept me with her for a bit longer and then asked if i wanted to go outside and i said yes..and i got to escape outside..and then i was more ok again because it wasnt like being stuck in a tiny crowded room..and i was just half listening to the conversations going on around me and was more just watching the little kids that were playing around out front..but i spoke a little bit and what not..but again i was mostly just watching and being glad i was outside .. and umm jessica came out while i was outside and she was talking and things and mentioned this get together dessert thing that is going to be in a couple weeks and reminded me to think about going..and well i asked her if i could ask her a question..because out of no where my thinking had been back and forth on suicide and hell for most of the morning..and i guess i was just wanting conformation or something..because she walked with me towards my car but we started talking about the service and stuff because i was avoiding the actual question..and i did tell her that the service had made me feel uncomfortable..and that i wasnt sure why..and she of course mentioned the whole past and secrets part of it and said that she knew they were affecting me and what not..and that was one of the times where it was like umm darn she does know a bit about me..but eventually i got around to asking her my question about if you go to hell for committing suicide..and she said she believed you did..and explained why she felt that way to me..and i dont know if i liked her answer or not..all things considered..but i did tell her that i believed you do go to hell for killing yourself..i dont know exactly how i got the idea in my head or why i believe it so much..its been one of the things that used to stop me from trying you know...i dont want to go to hell..well sometimes i dont want to go and sometimes its like yeah well im already going to hell for things ive done..so its just confusing ..and im not sure what to think about it...the conversation of course led to her asking if i was thinking about suicide..and i told her of course not...but she didnt catch anything in how i answered her..thankfully...because i wasnt going to answer that at all but then i realized that she is not the one to give that information too at all...so i said no...had she been linda she may have asked again based purely on how i responded..essh..but she let me go and didnt push the issue..thankfully..and i was feeling sad you know but not suicidal..just sad and lonely...and so i came home and then made myself get up and go to the store..and then came back home and actually ate without thinking about throwing up..i need to stop that..but i mean it wasnt a particularly great evening but it wasnt horrible..and i think i ended up falling asleep for part of it but i dont remember..and so it was just a quiet evening really...some thinking issues..but sorta manageable i guess..had trouble sleeping last night but i dont think i had bad dreams again..but im not completely sure ... i dont feel like i had bad dreams..

but yeah that was my recount from yesterday i think..

today im still feeling sad sorta and really tired...i see the pdoc today to talk about my meds and then theres the staff meeting..and i do intend to work on my notes this morning...and well right now i have to eat and take my meds cas im a little bit late..but yeah..thats all .. nothing to thrilling..

bad dreams

last night i had bad dreams...the night before i just had a dream about my sister i think..it was about her having a baby..a blue eyed curly haired little baby..such a pretty baby too..and my sister was freaking during the pregnancy..but yeah..super weird but not really troubling i dont think..last night though..my dreams were about being hurt..being forced to do things..not being able to get away..i think at one point i was trapped with a bunch of other people and i was so afraid ..and i didnt want to be there and i just knew that something bad was going to happen and there was a woman there who told me that it would be ok..but i was practically crying and i dont know..it was two different scenarios...the first i was in a house..dont know how i got there..but i was there and there were two other women there and two men..it was one of the men that was really really bad..and he made me do things i didn't want to do..and at one point i was hiding in the bathroom and the door was open and one of the women was across the hall from me and looking at me and was trying to ask if i needed help i think..i ended up trying to give her a phone number to call..but i didnt get to finish before we were caught..and i dont remember what happened ...a while later the other guy helped me sneak out and a car took me away...i think my brother was driving the car...and the second part was i was on a train..and it was fairly crowded i think and i was sitting near this woman who was asking ppl their names and stuff..and she asked me my name and i told her that i wasnt going to give it to her..becuase to many ppl already knew my name..she told me that she knew what had happened..she told me that it was possible to have a conversation or go out with someone without being forced to do anything...and i think i started to cry and i told her that i just wanted to go home..and then we were getting off the train and going out of a building and there were four openings in front of me..but as i was walking to them they started to close..and i freaked out but still they closed completely before i got to them and so i couldnt leave and i was trapped with all these other ppl..and i was wondering around afraid of what was going to happen..and i think i thought that it was the bad guy that was coming to get me again..but i ended up finding the lady who was talking to me on the train..and she told me not to worry..and i was trying and still telling her that i just didnt want to be there..and she was sitting with me..and i was crying and what not..hmm and then i woke up i think..before anything else happened.. and proceeded to feel very not ok and scared...:( not the best morning ive ever had..thats for sure ..

what i know... :(

finding the root of all things evil...things have been going well..i want to say that have been going well..the usual finance issues and what not..the usual work issues...a lot of health issues and med issues and not feeling good..but overall i really want to say that things could be a hell of a lot worse...now in the past two or so weeks things inside have taken a swift downward turn in the way of self harm...i mean its getting bad again..well its getting bothersome again..and i couldnt figure out why it is that i want to hurt so very much..why it is that i am feeling so intent on destroying myself again..i dont want to die..but i want to hurt immensely..and i didnt know why...i think it was last week that i was thinking that it was that things were changing so much that i was wanting the comfort of old things..things that got me out of my head..things that made me hurt and stop feeling so darn awful..bad logic yes i know..really bad logic..but it fit you know ..it made sense..but thats not the whole story..and of course i was once again really slow at figuring out what the real issue is currently..and im writing this and trying hard to fight the urge to continue hurting myself..right now i see nothing wrong with doing it..it makes sense to me again..i look at the new scars and can just see more..im seeing really bad things happening to me..like what im doing to myself bad things..but what is driving the need to hurt is something that is sorta going on..that is becoming an issue in some huge roundabout way...:( why does this mess have to happen ..i dont want to think about it..i try so hard to forget it..but lately i cant forget it..i keep seeing it happening and i know its my fault..and i know that im forever going to be seen as this horrible horrible person by a select few in the family because of what happened..and i want to say it wasnt my fault but thats not true..i dont know..its just all so confusing and sometimes im not even sure how it happened..but i was blamed heavily for it..and i was to stupid to even try to defend myself..who would believe that it wasnt me leading it? i was older..this was a child who was umm i dont know how much younger than me..but he was younger..and it happened twice..you know i let it happen because i didnt know how to stop it..i didnt know how to prevent it..and so i let it happen..there was nothing thrilling about it and i think i found it kinda gross ..but it still happened..and then we were caught..and there was hell to pay..they called me awful awful things..mommy wouldnt let me forget how awful i was..how nasty..how bad i was..how could i do it? over and over and over..it was my fault..i should have known better..it shouldnt have happened..im the one that messed up..im the one that made everything happen..and so with these particular things a few ppl stopped talking to me..and i did my best to avoid them..howe do you apologize for something like this?? maybe i screwed up some kid..i just knew that i was being whispered about..that everyone was thinking i was so so very bad and awful..they went out of there way to ignore me too..and i just wanted to go away..to get away from all of it..to be far far away from all of it..and i think i did forget..it wasnt a big deal..but still every so often i still saw the kids mom and it ws like i wasnt even there..she looked right through me..and how could i blame her? i was the bad one..the stupid one..the nasty one..and i guess she saw me and hated me..mommy saw me and hated me..and well i hated me so i guess we were all on the same page with that one..but still i was in the wrong..and they made sure i knew it..mommy made sure i knew it..but why is this is an issue now? because his wedding it happening in like 3 or so weeks...mommy was invited..my sister was invivted..but me..i wasnt invited..and mommy actually asked me if i was going..no im not going..but i feel hurt that i was excluded..i feel excluded..but can i really blame them?? why would she want me there? why would he want me there? but it being brought up hurts all the same..i dont want to go..but with everyone else being invited i would have liked an invitation i guess...but i guess that is me and craziness talking..because i know on some level that i do not want an invitation..i really dont...my sister asked me yesterday about if i was going..and i just told her that i wasnt invited and so i didnt know..said some random stuff about work and not being able to make it home that weekend. but i wont be going..but now i cant seem to forget my awfulness .. i cant let it go.. there is to much in my head and im guilty and shamed and hurt and upset and so many things..and i dont understand..i hate this..i hate remembering .. i hate knowing what i was a part of..i really do

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."~ Nelson Mandela

not really a great day

am feeling a lot down tonight..not sure what is causing it..i know i am feeling really hot...i just have so many issues with the warm weather..and the meds keep me feeling hot anyway..and so now im doubly hot and out of sorts..i dont know..maybe im just feeling sad cas mommy is asking for money and i gave her some..not a lot but still gave her some..and i cant really complain cas of the other thing we did that was not a good thing..ugh..but still the feeling we get is that we are only important when it comes to money..i only matter based on how much i can give...its not fair..and i guess one of these times ill just get tired of saying that..maybe i am horrible and suck..but well what t has been telling me about stopping my thinking when im thinkinig those types of things..and all of that..and so i think it and have to force it to keep moving along.. im getting a headache so this may not make much sense at all soon.. mommy told me today about a family members wedding that is next month..on easter weekend...i have no intention of going because it would be awful..because it is the wedding of someone who not so good things happened with..and it was my fault..and so no i cant go..i dont want to go...guilt and shame and all sorts of things are in my head about all of that...and i know mommy was trying to get me to say that i would come home..but i cant go home..not ready to be at home..im not sure ill ever be ready really.. i just dont want to be at home..and right now i guess im not even stable enough to begin to deal with being at home...oh im just feeling confused and achy and cranky tonight..

how open are you ?

ok after i write this i will completely do my work..essh...talk about getting distracted..


ok in the whole realm of mental illness and just mental health in general..really how open am i about it?  ok and i write that and realize what a ridiculous question that is.  becuase im not open at all about it.  and the only reason the few people who do know anything at all is because they are other professionals in the field..with the expection of maybe a handful of friends i guess who know..but like in general i still hide the fact that i do have issues..because i dont want to be judged or called crazy or be looked at differently...and i think the last one is the most important..i dont want to be seen as being less than whatever because i have to take medicine or because im in therapy or any of that...i work with ppl who have mental issues and health issues..and i never ever use their issues against them or judge them..but like in my personal life i would just rather be seen as being like everyone else..and not different...but i cant truly hide the differentness can i?  the scars dont go away..and my nervousness around new ppl .. or my silence in just about any situation...can be fairly obvious at times...i dont know..like on facebook and stuff im very careful about what i share..what i write...im not all out depressing and suicidal on my facebook page..that would not be smart..and i guess there is a level of unfairness on that..like why do i have to be the one to hide?  why do i have to be careful of everyone elses feelings and not my own..if i want to say im having a bad day then who should care except for me?? but i also know that some things get back to mommy and that makes me really upset...i dont need my business to be told to her and yes i know who does it..and that doesnt make it any better at all..its actually very frustrating and annoying...its my stuff and if i wanted to tell her i would..blah..whatever..i mean ive gotten a bit better about posting stuff that i want to post..but still i sensor a lot of things...i sensor what i say verbally..i sensor what i write on facebook..but i dont really sensor what i write here..because well no one knows who i am on this..hmm ok maybe a few people but they already know anyway so its ok..this is mine and im not forcing anyone to read it..ok im getting slightly irked about the whole thing..becuase its really not fair is it...i should be able to say what i want to without being afraid or worrying about what others are thinking..hmm that hasnt happened just yet...

sick...again ..

i want to cry im feeling so very frustrated...another day of feeling so sick..major stomach issues today...all morning i spent laying down..only to get up and manage for a few hours..and now for the past almost two hours ive been feeling sick and nauseous and have a massive headache..and i just want to sleep but im feeling so very hot..i dont know what to do..i know its one of the medicines..but if i cant handle the medicine im not sure what my other option is..im trying to stick it out..i am..but this is not good..i spend more days lately feeling completely sick to my stomach and unable to do anything productive at all..
ive been trying to fall asleep for the past few hours...but now i give up..im just going to go to bed..and hope i sleep throughout the night..

nothing important

you know my inability to remember things sucks ... thats all

im tired and feeling cranky stupid weather...i didnt sleep great last night and couldnt get comfortable..and just a bad night. so im a bit peeved right now...but am awake and have been for a little while...so yeah..guess ill finish up my last bit of paperwork so i can stop worrying about it.

another day...not so bad..

all things considered i think today was a good day..i mean feeling wise we are ok..saw t this afternoon and worked this morning and this afternoon..so maybe im feeling a bit accomplished with things...showed t some of the recent collages and gave her a bunch of stuff that had been written the past week or so .. so yeah will see how that goes..i am getting the feeling though that t is beginning to give up on me...i dont know..just she is asking more often lately..well mentioning that i am not working hard enough..and that things havent changed for me in the past 2 plus years ive seen her..so i just dont know about all of that..but i guess i cant do anything but see what happens..im trying not to stress out about it...

got in trouble about something with mommy..that i had lied about..oh well on that on..i am sorry i did it..and well she let me know what she thought about it..and in all honesty what i did was sorta bad..but oh well..ill live..she will live..and yeah..maybe now she will stop talking to me completely?! who knows..

i talked to my director yesterday a little..not about anything in depth..and i asked for a hug..and she said no..well the first time i asked she said no and then said that she was going to be aloof like i am when im at church..talk about shocked! but well when it comes to us and hugs and lately..yeah there was no deterring us at all..waited a couple hours..and went and asked her again..and she STILL said no..well she said she would give me a hug on sunday when she saw me at church why me?!?! like really why me...i cant win with this whole hug thing..good grief..and im just not so sure about telling my director that i NEED a hug from her...i tell my supervisor..but well yeah..not gonna go there with my director..eventhough the smaller kids want to..essh..i tried everything to change her mind..and still she said nope..she did tell me that there were two other ppl in the office that i could ask for hugs from..one a guy (absolutely NOT) and the other was the other supervisor who i am ok with but dont see her on a 'its ok to get a hug from her' basis..so nope..no hugs..and im pretty sure i may die between well yesterday and sunday without a hug...yep im gonna die..

but i did see my little 3 yr old today that i want to keep..and he smiled so so big when he saw me came right over and started talking to me. he is so adorable. he tells me he loves me. and i tell him i love him. his mom is a yeller ..so i go out of my way to talk to him and let him ask me millions of questions..all he wants is attention you know..so when im with him i try to let him talk and express what ever it is that he needs to express at the time..i do love that little kid. he is actually the little kid that had the seizure last year and i was there and umm helped and stuff..

oh and im sorta considering this retreat thing at my directors church...well its a women's retreat and its just for a weekend..so it could be doable..its interesting you know..im all about retreats if it means no work..but it would be expensiver if i went by myself..but at the same time im so not sure about rooming with my director or any of her family..that would be so weird..so yeah..still considering it..i think its in june..hmm maybe its in may..one of those months...

hmm do i have anything else to talk about ??? not sure .. i think ive just been a bit off since the darn time change..dont know why its affecting me so very much..but yeah..i just cant get a handle yet on the time being different and it getting so late but i feel like its early..and then in the morning i just want to sleep and not get up..yuck

am i mentally ill?

i think ive wondered about this before...am i mentally ill?  it makes me sound like im sick..im not sick..ok i am sick but thats soley because of medical issues.. but i do have quite a  few mental issues too.. i mean i can function (most of the time), and i work and well contribute something to society (not sure what exactly..but yeah) .. i do ok with all the grown up stuff im supposed to be doing like paying bills, and all of that..i take care of my cats.. you know all the normal every day stuff that im expected to do i can get through eventually...sometimes it may take me a bit longer than usual but eventually ill do it..

but when i crash..i crash big time..and its like i end up going right back to rock bottom..ok well right now im hovering somewhere between rock bottom and not completely rock bottom..because im not suicidal..im really not..i want to hurt yes..i want to hurt a lot actually..but i dont want to  die..and i think im in the middle of a crash period currently..this is when i dont want to do a darn thing..i dont want to work. i dont want to be around anyone. everything is way to much of an effort. i want to hide and pretend the world doesnt exisit. i dont want to have to think or feel or anything..my world has shrunk to the size of my apartment and anything outside of it is overwhelming and to hard to deal with..crashing is when my need to hurt becomes more important and my rational thinking..and it makes sense to me..i hurt then i feel better. thats how it works..if i cut i do feel better..but well then the pain kicks in and the scars come and well ive prolly bled all over something..blah..but its like i cant get out of my head and everything keeps pulling me back in ..i feel upset and not ok all the time..but its hard to show that to anyone else..and so its like im just walking around with this massive ball of hurt and no one can see it..and so i have to make it known which is where the cutting and all of that comes in...well the cutting is visible if i want it to be seen ..the purging isnt..and well i dont burn myself anymore..i dont want to do anything..i dont want to be anything..and the more i crash..well the farther in i manage to go the worse things tend to look..

im taking my medicine..i am..and im going to therapy..and im talking more..and slowly getting out more..and still i feel like the world is out to get me..or that i will do something to screw up the tentative things that are going on..and then i start to push hard against all of the good stuff..because i get scared..i am scared..im tired and scared..but im not sure of what ..i mean things are changing..which should be a good thing..it really should be..but im still wanting to move back to where i feel safe..and that is in my dysfunction..i am safe there..i am comfortable there..crap im well acquainted with my dysfunctional self...but its what i know..its not who i am though..and its like im still trying to figure out which is more worth the effort..one foot going forward..one foot hanging back..i think im afraid to fully let go of the past stuff you know..i mean behaviors and stuff..dealing with the past stuff is still a completely different issue..but the behaviors..the thinking..the actions..all of that im afraid to let go of..being stuck in my head (albeit a very bad place to be most of the time) but i know it..im safe from the outside world if im in my head...but if im in my head then im not safe from myself..and to say im not nice to myself would be putting it very very nicely..

oh i dont know..i want things to be different..i want to be happy and umm almost healthy and i want a family. and i want to feel safe and not scared (thats a big one)..but getting there is going to take every ounce of like everything i have..but the issue is that i dont feel like i have anything that all..i realized my it is that suddenly my need to cut and all of that is so much stronger..and i really did think that not having razors in the house would work..but no im smarter than that..and i really should have known better..not having razors only stops it if im not willing to look for an alternative..and nothing was getting through the me the other night and so yes i found an alternative..i had forgotten just how easy it is..to pull apart a shaver thingy...sickeningly easy..and i have those around because well if i was going to be normal i would only use them for shaving..and most of the time that is what i use them for...but well yes it is completely possibly to use them for my own twisted gains if i have too...and the funnier thing is that all of the knives in my house are dull and i cant use them to cut..they dont work..and i do miss my old stuff..i had everything..although i think it was the xacto knives that were the best..the double sided ones work good also but i wasnt a fan of the box cutters..dont know why..but well i didnt mean for this to become a lets analyze the past type thing..im not sure what i wanted this to become..

oh i was talking about my mental capabilities .. like it says..im quite decent i guess at playing normal..im a little on the quiet side..but i manage to function you know...i manage to get by in society somehow..im not in and out of the hospital..im not using drugs or drinking..i look presentable most of the time im out side of my house ..inside my house doesnt count! but my mental capabilities to the outside world would seem okay..not stellar by any means .but enough..but maybe its just enough that i know that im not ok or that im just falling hard into a place that i may not be able to return from..i know that ive destroyed my body..and keep destroying it..i know how often it is that i think about suicide..and how much i hurt and how hard it is some days to just get out of bed and leave the house..i know the fear and the sadness and the loneliness of feeling like i dont fit in..i hang on the outskirts of life because its like my issues prevent me from fully engaging..my mental stuff gets in the way of things an awful lot if i wanted to be honest..but who would know that?  my small handful of people who know how much i struggle can only do so much..i mean well maybe they can kinda help with the whole trying to stop me from killing myself..but even that is a little iffy at times..because i guess somewhere in my head i know that i have to decide...and maybe its not even fair for someone else to know what i am thinking like that..because i dont want to worry anyone..and i dont want anyone thinking they have failed in some way..i dont want that..ive been talking to much..there is no longer safety in my silence because i want to talk.i want to be heard..sometimes i just dont make a whole lot of sense...well i make sense to myself..sometimes i wonder how linda manages to listen to me and not get completely lost in what i am saying...i managed for so very long to keep myself safe from outside influences..i was in my own little world..and i was safe enough there..maybe not from myself..but in the big picture of things .. i guess i was safe..and its been within the past two or three years that my little bubble of separateness has been popped..and well within the past year that a lot of my thinking has been majorly challenged..and some days i can think clearly and understand things better..but a lot of the time my way of thinking and feeling still wins out..and i know its irrational..and crazy and confusing.. and makes no sense what to ever..but its my thinking..its all i have some days..and well some days i dont want it at all..which brings to mind my ever so important need for stronger drugs that will be able to keep me out of my head..that would be nice...but again its just another way to hide from reality..although darn it valium would be awesome..and ok let me stop that before i have someone thinking i have a drug problem...

but ive been writing to long and i have to stop..i have to do my paperwork even if it kills me and it just might..ugh..but i have to get it done..i cant get behind for another week...maybe ill print this out..there goes my trying not to sound crazy defense...but i think ill print out everything from the past few days and take it to linda...maybe she will be able to make sense of it...because im not sure that i can

well the day is ending ..but my head is still rather active..

yep..this hasnt been the best of weekends...just really down and out of sorts and sad and all sorts of not so good thinking going on...a really bad attack myself weekend..and well ive cut and purged..and i dont know..i did write and distract myself and do collages..and still i couldnt seem to stop the need to hurt..its like so easy to fall back on this junk and i hate that..i do..but at the same time i feel like im being pulled back into them..maybe it is that so much new stuff is going on and so many changes that i am wanting the comfort and safety (albeit all in my head) of the old things..even though they hurt me..i can deal with them..all the changes make me feel nervous and edgy and afraid..and i dont know..

-sigh-

sometimes insight just stinks..although i guess its a good thing i realized that..because i was just thinking i was going crazy..but i also feel majorly in control of those things...like i can deal with it..i can manage it..i can quietly go back to destroying myself as i get used to the newness of the major changes..how does that work exactly ? ugh. i dont understand my head..

hmmm insert a lot of wasted time here...

im highly distracted..and well still havent done any of my darn work..crap..i have to turn all of it in tomorrow darn it..and still im messing around..im feeling rather sick right now..and hungry...funny how that happens..considering purging is supposed to get rid of food..but i purge and then im hungry..gross isnt it..but well my wrist hurts..and my stomach hurts..and im sleepy but cant sleep...tomorrow is gonna be a long long drawn out day...yep..

i did have a purpose to this..when i started i did anyway...have i mentioned that im tired ?? thank god this week i get paid..which is also way i have to get my darn work in..ugh..

what do i need??? i dont know..a slap in the head..a kick, a push, a reality check...crap

what i want is a hug..i want to talk, i want to feel noticed..i think that not being around my supervisor and director so much last week has left me feeling unimportant..like my usual cheering squad just wasnt there last week..and well it was my fault really..well maybe not all my fault but i just wasnt in the office much..and so i wasnt able to see them as much..and didnt get to ramble on to them about well random things..and so maybe its just that i am missing them..a lot..but missing them means that they are important to me and that makes me nervous..and it makes me want to do things to push them away..because i get scared that they will leave me..that something will happen and they will end up leaving me..and ive become so attached to them that them going away will be an awful awful thing...its bad enough that i know now that kathy is only in the office like 3 days a week..like i couldnt wrap my head around that one..she is always in the office darn it..but now its like umm no shes not and i dont like that..not that i can do anything about it..but still its bothersome..and i asked her the other week if she would be staying at the office..and not leaving to go to another job..and i think she maybe picked up on my fears relating to that ..but she just told me that she wasnt going anywhere for a while..but still im afraid she is going to leave..and i know she is working like super hard to get me to reach out to other people..but im resisting a bit..because i dont want other people..i just want her..(insert tantrum here) ... the 'relationships' that i have with my supervisor and director are incredibly one sided i think..i mean im not doing anything for them..i dont give them anything..and i dont think they are asking me for anything..but i want everything from them. i want their time, their attention, their care, support, love..all of it..and the more i get from them the more i want..its like im just this starving child and nothing is enough anymore..because now im learning about the whole good part of attention and what it is to be comforted and all of that..and i want it...and im upset when i cant have it..and im upset when im told no if i ask for like a hug or something..and crap i think i would do anything at all for them if it meant that they would give me attention..in a good way..but i guess with them i want attention even if its not so good..like not turning stuff in at work or something..or doing things that will make them worry..and cause them to check in with me more often..and i know i shouldnt do it..and i know i shouldnt let things get bad or out of control just so that i can go to them and get hugs or something..half of the time i cant even put into words what it is that i want from them..well besides like them keeping me forever..i just want them..thats it..and i dont like that i cant have them..and i dont like that i have to share them..and it makes me uncomfortable that i cant stay present and adult around them..because i know that i can get comfort from them..but im afraid that ill like break down or cry or something around them..and i would rather that did not happen...majorly not ok..but i cant give them what they give me..i dont know how..i feel stupid trying to comfort someone else..my emotions quickly go into inappropriate zone..and its like no its not ok to laugh when someone is telling me they are upset or depressed..and its not ok to completely zone out when someone is talking to me and looking for comfort or understanding...i become indifferent i think..and i think it is just that i am uncomfortable and dont know what to do..with kids its easier..a hug and some attention and they bounce back..with adults its a bit more work..and im not good with it..i dont know how to show genuine care ..i do care..but sometimes i feel like i come across as being stupid or uncaring or mean..and i dont mean to be..it just happens..i dont know..maybe im just a horrible person.and cant do anything at all..and im just this needy needy person and i cant get my needs met because im supposed to be an adult..but my needs are so not adult..and i cant explain them without feeling like i am going crazy..because im not supposed to want these things from my supervisor or my director..but i do and i dont know how to get my self to stop wanting it..and i do talk about it ..well a lot of talking about it lately with linda ..and it does help a little bit..at least she doesnt think im crazy..but i dont know how to fix this..because the more i am aware of it..the more its like i need it all the time..and nothing is enough from them..and i feel so much better when i am around them..i want to be around them all the time..i want to put myself into the middle of there lives so that they cant make me go .. so they cant make leave..i want them to keep me forever..both of them actually..but more my supervisor..because in my mind she has me already..i have moved in and set up shop in her life..and she cant get rid of me at all..ever.. i just to be wanted..maybe thats what is driving all of this..like if i swear to be good and to follow the rules..i promise to not do anything bad at all..i will do whatever im told..if it will help her want to keep me..i have told my supervisor that i promised to be good..i told her i would stay out of her way..i would be good..i never mean to be bad..i really just want her to want me..

shhhh

you know...this may come as a shock...but i really dont like myself..there is nothing about me to like.  im awful and bad and stupid and selfish and gross and annoying and just..yeah..

negative nelly please stand up

ugh

im trying ok...

im writing..i am but i want to cut..i want to hurt..i want anything that will help me get out of my head right now...the more the day has gone on the more closed off and alone i feel..i dont know what to do with myself..i feel like im just a bother..and that i am just bothering everyone and i shouldnt talk to anyone anymore..i dont know...i spent most of the morning sleeping..i was sick last night..and yeah not a good thing..but this morning i was just tired..and so i ended up sleeping away half of the day..and the other half of the day i just sort of existed i guess..i havent done anything productive at all..just laid around..wanting things that i am not allowed to have..and then the sad feelings begin to take over and i really dont know what to do..things are bothering me a bit more right now and so im listening to music as im writing because the tv is irking my nerves..i dont want to play with taji or bounce..i want to be left alone but i want to be surrounded by anyone..and that has me thinking about the conversation that i had in therapy this week..and i feel ever sadder for wanting the simpliest of things and being unable to have it at the level  i want it.

right now i am feeling very needy..i want my needs met but i dont want to have to do anything to get them met..i dont want to have to give anyone anything .. i just want to be noticed..supported..loved..i dont know..its frustrating me because i just want so much and i hate that i feel that i need so much..becuase its like i just end up draining the people that i get attached to and it makes me think that everyone will just end up hating me..and then i just think awful things about myself ..because its like ok ive managed to drive someone else away and its all my fault because im just so awful..and i realize a bit late that i havent been in the office as much this week and so i havent really talked to my supervisor or director..and so im thinking now that they are just mad at me or something..i havent had my weekly support or whatever and it leaves me feeling empty and forgotten..and i know that i am not supposed to need them like this because they cant give me what i want..not completely anyway..but something is better than nothing..and so my need to be passive aggressive starts coming out..and i want to do stupid things..i want to demand their attention and support and i want them to notice me..and i know that it makes no sense at all for me to cut as a way to get there attention..i know this..ive already had the conversation with supervisor about getting the negative attention..and i just want them to be proud of me..and instead im just managing to screw things up and maybe im just upset because i want them and cant have them..and they have their own lives that i am not a part of..i hate that  i cant be apart of their lives..i hate that i cant monoplize all of their attention..it upsets me that all it takes is a few days of not talking to them or seeing them and its like my whole world has crumbled..i need the constant reassurance that i am ok..and that i doing the right thing..and that things will get better...without that from them its like i cant do it by myself..and so now i am feeling alone and messed up and forgotten in a major way..and my generally need to appear fine and aloof kicks in and i try to ignore my feelings..and ignore just how badly it is that i want to talk to them...im trying hard not to call either of them because what i want has nothing to do with work stuff at all..and i dont want to take up there time..i dont want to bother them..but what am i supposed to do?? why do i need so much from them ?  i dont know what to do with myself either..and because of sleeping so much this morning im not tired at all..but i just want to take my bedtime meds because i know it will make me sleep..i dont want to think anymore..i dont want to have to feel so empty and alone..and i dont want to need the comfort from them because i cant seem to comfort myself...i dont know how to comfort myself..and i dont want it anyway..i just want them and i cant have them and so i dont want anyone else..there is no one else that can fill the gaping hole that is inside of me..no one at all..maybe i am just soo broken that there is not enough support in the world to help me feel better and to help me feel safe and not so exposed..its not fair .. i am supposed to be able to take care of myself and i cant even do that..im really upset right now that i dont have any razors..and im just thinking about what i can use instead..i miss having all of my tools from before.. i had really good stuff and i was never ever without at least one razor..but im thinking about all of it..knives..glass..anything to get some relief from my head..and thinking and how i am feeling..why couldnt i have had them for my parents? things would have been so different wouldnt they have been?  i would have been different? i would be happy and safe and care for.and i wouldnt feel so scared and afraid and lonely..my whole being separates me from everyone else..i dont fit in..i dont stand out..and so i guess i am just wondering what the purpose is for any of this..and why i am stuck with having to feel so awful and crazy and i dont know what to say...because my plan has formed in my mind and nothing is going to take it away..i guess that makes me crazy...i dont know how to say just how badly it is that i want to be comforted..i dont know how to show i am hurting without actually hurting myself..and i cant deal with everything that i feel inside...because no one sees it..no one knows..no one understands.. im not crazy..i know exactly what im doing..i dont need anyone at all..i dont 

an awesome picture

so cool isnt it!  i found it online lol..it really makes me want to get another camera so that i can start taking pictures again...i miss it. .a lot..

depressed

i dont know..im not feeling much like writing today...im tired and worn out big time.. still having issues with the medicine and issues with bleeding..and issues with feeling sick..and for all the medicine i have to take..im still feeling fairly awful most of the time..i dont understand it at all..its all just bothersome..

i am feeling sad ..maybe its that im feeling lonely and that is making me feel more sad and lonely..i want to talk to someone..and i want to just do something but instead all i can seem to do is lay down and try not to die of boredom..but i have no energy to get up and do anything.. and so my desire to do anything lately is at an all time low..and im trying to go to work and you know be a productive member of society..but things are a bit overwhelming and i feel like im just falling behind in everything..im late with work stuff yet again..i have reasons but still its just excuses i guess..and i feel like im not trying anymore at all..and im gonna need that to change because well i cant afford to lose my job..and they are being very accommodating considering how behind i am with things..maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself..i know im feeling sorry for myself..im feeling depressed ..and well its time to take my meds since i havent taken them yet..

i really am being depressing..maybe ill just call it a night...thats how i escape my bad moods lately...i go to sleep..all  i want to do is sleep .. if im sleeping then i dont have to think..i dont have to feel..i dont have to do anything.. i dont know

i think tonight im throwing a pity party and i would rather avoid that..i really would..

should i feel ashamed ?

most of the time i go out of my way to keep my scars hidden. i always try to cover them up as much as i can or wear clothes that hide them. for what ever reason my scars are really um noticeable on some parts of my body and ive always felt that they were something to be ashamed of. that i was supposed to hide them. that i was supposed to pretend they werent there or to always have some excuse ready to deal with the few questions i do get asked about them. my mom makes me feel ashamed of them. she talks to me about getting them removed. she tells me to change if my shirt it to revealing and my scars are visible. the need to hide my failure to hide my secret is very important to her. today i happened to put on a shirt that is a bit big and so the scars on my chest are very visible.. i cant hide them because my shirt keeps falling down . but i keep seeing them and i look at them and wonder if i should be ashamed. if u should feel upset about them. today i feel neither happy or sad about the scars. they are there and have been there for years. i doubt they will fade anymore than they have. but do i have to hide them? i know we arent in a place yet to be able to say it is a past issue but we are close...but umm i dont know. just needed to get some of the thoughts out of the head

ok lets try this again...

well i guess im giving this a second try...i tried to wr ite what was going on earlier but i just couldnt focus and get it out..so im writing now...im feeling quieter..headwise anyway..and i dont know..im just feeling a bit loss with things right now..i dont know what im working for..what im working towards..i dont know what my goals are anymore..i dont know what i want..or what im fighting for. its just all this mass of everything and nothing and none of it even makes sense right now..im just trying to keep making it through each day and trying to get a handle on my head..my never ending needs for approval and love and care outweigh my good sense...ive been lonely lately and i dont know why..i dont know how to not be lonely..and then being lonely just makes me feel sad..and i have to be careful about not getting it mixed up..being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing..im lonely yes but im not completely feeling alone..i dont know..im not even sure im making sense right now..things are just -sigh- confusing..

i had a hard time this morning...my fears and anxiety were really getting the best of me and i was feeling rather tearful..and that is not something that i like at all..i was feeling vulnerable i think..worried and anxious..i didnt want to go to church and then i did..i didnt want to disappoint anyone else..and i didnt want to feel gulity either..but i wanted charita to be there and she wasnt :( and i think that made me feel less safe..and more exposed..i needed her there and she wasnt :(  jessica was there but because of the dual relationship mess im trying not to overload her..but her alone wasnt enough..and well my head was getting away from me and i was scared and just not there completely..i went..i did..i had to take it one incredibly slow task at a time..and managed to get up and dressed and not be late..but i got there and jessica wasnt available right then..and so i was just inside looking around and waiting ..and i guess i must have looked afraid or something because a lady i met last week told me that i could sit with her until jessica came..and she went to look for jessica for me..and well my need for comfort was in massive overdrive this morning ..but today my needs werent completely met and that made me sad..i was to afraid anyway to really figure out how to ask for what i needed..and i wasnt sure what i needed..i was there but i didnt know what i was doing there..on one hand it got me out of the house..that was good..but being surrounded by people and all of that made me feel overly nervous...and because of feeling weird anyway the loudness just sorta gave me a headache..but i stayed for the whole service..i did..and it was another one of those 'who told i was coming type messages' and today is one of those times when i hate how bad i am at remembering things..but the gist of it was letting go of what is weighing you down..letting go of past stuff..working on reaching your goals..etc and so on..another one of those things i prolly needed to hear..and it was a lady preaching today..which i didnt completely figure out until she was done..i just thought she was up there talking but no she was preaching..jessica told me so later..but at the end when they did the whole who would like to come up for prayer bit..i balked as usual..but jessica asked me all the same.and said she would go up with me.but well fear and utter terror stopped that from happening..and so jessica asked me if i would be ok with the lady preaching coming to me..and i told her maybe..i swear i said maybe..and no sooner than she got that maybe, she was up and moving..and went and got the other lady..and i tried to figure out to late what she was doing..cas i was thinking ok she will get her later when i wasnt standing in the middle of a huge crowd..but no ..she went and got her then..and that just upped my nervousness..but the lady preacher came and asked if i wanted to be prayed for..and somehow i ended up nodding..and let her touch me and pray and i tried to listen..and focus but i dont think i did a good job ..but that was the first time i have ever completely closed my eyes in church..normally when prayer and things are going on i just keep my head down..or rather obviously stare at everyone else praying..but this time..for this one moment with the lady preacher i closed my eyes and just listened..and tried to ask for peace, something..anything..i was almost sad when she let me go..and i was reminding myself that i wasnt going to cry..but it was ok..overall it was ok..i left still feeling very nervous and lonely..and i really truly wanted to stay with jessica..for like forever but my nervousness wasnt gonna let me stay through the whole meet and greet stuff..jessica introduced me to some ppl and i was polite you know..a little bit odd i guess..but polite .. and after a bit i let her know that i was ready to go..and she walked me to my car..but i wanted to talk to her..i really wanted to just talk to her and have one on one time with her..but i couldnt ask for it..i didnt know what i wanted to ask her..or how to ask her..my head is so full of questions about religion, god, faith all of that..but the questions wont come..i wanted to talk to her about how i was feeling and how scared i am feeling..i wanted to tell her that im just tired and worn out..but i didnt ..so i just dont know..i want attention so very much and im not able to ask for it..i dont know how to ask for it..and that made me wonder about the whole getting better thing..and how if i get better i wont have any support anymore at all..and that makes me want to do bad things..it makes me want to hurt because then the pain is visible..it can be noticed..otherwise i just slip by..i slip through unnoticed..and that hurts me and makes me feel so sad and invisible and like i dont matter at all to anyone...one of the phrases from church today was ' its important to remember that you matter, that your life is worth something' and i heard that and tried to hang on to it .. i want it to be true ..but im not feeling like i matter at all :(  and maybe it is really particularly that i am not taking all of my meds right now...i can tell that the missing meds are affecting me...my head hurts a lot and my other not so good thoughts are slipping in and taking over..i dont want to go back to feeling so completely and utterly suicidal..i really dont..:(  why cant i just be happy and stay happy and not need meds or therapy or the constant attention and support of others.. i dont understand..i dont understand why there is so very much wrong with me..it feels so overwhelming and total and like i will never be whole..ill never be healed..ill never be anything at all..i just want to feel safe..included..happy..calm..i dont want to be afraid anymore..i dont want to be scared and anxious..i dont want to be alone.. i dont know..i think ill try sleeping for a bit and then get up and do work stuff..head just isnt with it today..not at all...

-sigh-

i dont know how to say that i am lonely...not like tell someone else anyway.. :(

i wanted to tell her that i was feeling very lonely and wanted to stay with her..but that would have been inappropriate i guess..and not possible at all..:(

im tired

im really tired tonight...like mind numbing tired..today has been the first day in a while that i have been up and out of the house all day long..and worrying about taji and the vet stuff wore on me a bit today..i know she is going to not be herself tonight..but i do miss her getting into everything..but im hoping that things will go fine..i know she will be ok .. and i think this weekend i will be giving bounce a bath..she is a bit smelly..and since she is unable to truly clean herself..the vet said i could use babywipes to help her with that...so i got some today..but i do want to give her a good scrubadubdub lol..yeah ill see if i make it out of that little predicament alive!

the vet today really broke the bank..and i know overall that ill manage ..but its a bit nerve wrecking at the same time..and the stress is a bit harder to deal with..im trying hard to remain as calm as i can..and i just have to keep reminding myself that things will work out..i hope! so trying to just take things a day at a time for now...and see what happens..and i also need to go and get some of my meds filled..and thats more money that i dont have...yessh..so yeah trying to be calm about things...

work was tiring today...one no show..and one incredibly long session..and i think the stress of trying to get all the way back across town to pick up taji before the vet closed this evening amped up my stress levels some too...but i made it and got all of that stuff taken care of at least..but well yes..it was just tiring today..and i really just want to go to sleep..but i dont want to take my night meds because i have to get up earlyish tomorrow so that i can finish my last bit of late paperwork and get it turned in..its been hanging over my head all darn week..and i need to do it and get it in..like yesterday..ugh..

and im trying to plan for sunday..and sorta trying to plan for saturday too..maybe ill go and clean my car if it is a nice day..i dont know..i  guess ill see how i feel..

my eating has been fairly awful the past few days...a lot of fast food and junk food and candy..trying to get it back under control ..but i just want my stupid meds back..and i dont know how to get them..and its frustrating me...i just needed them for maybe 2 more months..and i would have been good...but i dont have them and so i cant take them and so my focus is off ..and yeah..blah..

goodness this has turned into a bit of a ramble...

hmm do i have anything positive to say ??!! i mean im not completely utterly depressed right now..im just sorta blahish...not great..not horrible..just sorta here...and im feeling hot and annoyed by the warm weather..ugh..ok well yeah

oh saw this quote this morning and like it a lot ...

When you find yourself cocooned in isolation and despair and cannot find your way to the light, remember: This is the place where caterpillars go, in order to grow their wings. ~ Sandra Kring

yucky night

im feeling a bit miserable today...couldnt sleep and had a major headache ugh..i dont know..just wasnt a good night..and im not so keen on doing anything today..since i still have a headache..and im still feeling a bit off..not sure..maybe ill take meds and hope for the best today..but gotta head to the vet for the kitties so yeah..gotta get up and get moving.