i dont want to die..

i dont want to die. i just want to stop hurting. i want to stop feeling so sad and broken. i want to  be heard and to not feel invisible and all alone. i dont know how to ask for help. i dont know how to accept help. i dont know who to trust. i dont know what it is that i want to do or what i want to say..sometimes it feels like i am just here..i am just nothing, invisible..lost..afraid..but i dont want to die.  im confused in this world though..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..that nothing is right..that im just still stuck and will just have to keep struggling and fighting to stay in a world that im not completely sure even wants me..im just i dont know..i think about dying and it feels okay.  i think about living and there is a huge unknown..i dont know what is going to happen. i dont know what will happen..i want to feel loved but it is as if no one needs me..no one wants me..i dont even want me..and i just feel so heavy in my head..fuzzed out..drifting..yesterday i was stuck in my head..i kept thinking negative things..i kept thinking that i was nothing that i didnt matter that i couldnt be saved..that no one wanted me..and i wanted to cut..i wanted to hurt..i wanted to just get out of my head..i wanted attention i think..and i didnt get it in the way that i wanted and that made me feel even sadder. i didnt know what to do...i just waited but the crowd and the noise at church got to me..i was feeling very unsafe yesterday just in general..i was feeling on edge..i didnt want to be touched but i did want to be touched..well i wanted to be hugged anyway..but i still wanted to push people away..as much as i wanted to connect and feel something..feel safe..i just wanted to push everyone away..and the same thing happened in church yesterday..went through the whole service pretty much stuck in my head and thinking awful things...and it got to the end..the prayer part..and my director asked me if i had thought about going up and getting prayed for..and i told her i had thought about it and my answer was still no..but i told her no..and all i wanted to do was go up there..i had to really stop myself from asking her to go with me..i cant do that.. im afraid...im afraid of what it means..im afraid of the pastor and being touched..and i dont want him..how awful does that make me ?? i dont want him..i want lady and elder..i can handle them..i can deal with them being close to me..but i get nervous and scared when he is near me ..and he has done nothing to me..absolutely nothing.but its just that he is older and male..and i am afraid of him..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of what will happen..and there are so many ppl..and i feel crowded so easily..and its not like i can ask for a different set up just for my sake...just for my comfort..i am ashamed of myself for needing things to be so different..for wanting things to be so different..and im sad that i cant go after what it is that i want and need..i feel stupid for not being able to ask for support and hugs and safety..and it makes me feel crazy..it makes me feel different..it makes me feel like i dont fit in because i still need so much..and still i am not able to get what it is that i want..again i am forced to consider that i will never be able to have a parent that i want..that cares for me and loves me..i am to old to be parented again..and my childhood is gone and has been gone for a long time..but im still looking for that relationship..i still want that relationship..i still want to be a child..i want to be taken care of..i want to feel like i matter ..that im important..that i can be completely safe around someone..that i can get comfort and not be afraid of being hurt..and i know lady wont hurt me..and i know elder wont hurt me..and jessica wont hurt me..but beyond that when dealing with the church im not sure about..and i tend to stay away from people..and i still work to convince myself that i dont need anyone else..that i am ok..that i am fine..and thats what i tell ppl because who wants to listen to me complain about my days being bad..or me struggling to keep myself safe..or how it is that i am feeling so badly on a daily basis..and i feel like i am just failing all over again..that lady wants me to be happy and postivie and i try and still im not getting it on a continual basis.and its like im just failing at life..that i cant be happy no matter how hard i try..that my thoughts so easily take over and overwhelm me..and i know that its supposed to take time and a whole lot of work and effort..but i get caught up thinking that if it doesnt happen right then or the next day then i have just failed compeltely.. that there is no help for me because i cant do what it is that everyone is telling me to do..or telling me what i can have if i want it bad enough..that i just have to think positive..and that i just have to want it..and in my head what im hearing is that im not trying hard enough..that its just my fault because i dont want it bad enough..that if i just try to be happy then i will be happy..and if im not then im flawed in some way..then there is just still something wrong with me becuase i cant be like everyone else..and then i dont want to try anymore..because i watch everyone else and wonder why it is that i cant feel like them..why i cant have that much faith and belief and contentness..why cant i let things go..and its like im torturing myself on purpose..like im just keeping myself stuck in this very dark place..and im doing it on purpose and i dont deserve to be helped or feel better becuase im still not able to live up to anyones expectations..not mine..not mommy..not anyone..and ill end up just being alone forever because there is nothing else for me..there is no place for me...and that is why i think about dying and think that it will let me finally be free..that it will let me go away and find some sort of peace of mind..that i can just make everything stop..and not have to struggle anymore..and not have to feel so badly anymore...and the suckiest part of all of this..is that it all takes place in my head..no one can see what im thinking..no one knows what im thinking or how badly i feel most of the time..no one knows at all..and i make sure to keep a massive amount of control on expressing what i feel..or well not expressing what i feel..it takes a lot to get me to go past saying that i am fine..and that things are ok..how many people can i expect to listen to me talk about dying or cutting without trying to stick me in the hospital?  sometimes i just need to talk about it..and it doesnt mean im going to act on it...but those are heavy topics to have to expect someone in my daily life to deal with..my therapist doesnt count becuase she is trained to talk about it and help me deal with it and figure out how to move past it..but just like a coworker..or someone at church .. people like that..i know i cant expect understanding from everyone..i do understand that..but then my fears of being judged and rejected and hurt and picked on and talked about start to go crazy and my need to hide from everyone and keep my thoughts to myself becomes much more important..becuase i do manage to go to work and pay bills and in some manner of things manage to take care of myself .then the rest doesnt even matter..im not going to overwhelm someone else with my stuff..because i know that it is a lot to deal with..it is a lot to place on one person and expect them to deal with it and then to help me feel better..why would i do that??  but then i end up just burning out the ones that do try to understand without judging me..like jessica and lady and my therapist..i go back and forth to them and want them to deal with my stuff and then help me feel better..and i want so much from them..i want them to save me..i want them to fix them..but my stuff is so hard and overwhelming and its not fair to ask someone else to take it on for me..to ask someone else to deal with it and work through it and somehow give me piece of mind..and i become this person that no one can deal with..that no one wants to deal with because i have so much to deal with..sometimes i wonder how it is that i do manage to make it through the day..the week..i dont know how ive managed to last so long as it is..i had planned to die long before now..but i am still here..and i dont know why..i dont know what i am hanging on for..i dont know what im waiting for..or what i am expecting to happen..but im just stuck with myself and with all of my issues and it is very tiring..i get tired of having to deal with myself and to stay in control and show that i am in control..without the scars im not sure anyone would even know that anything was wrong..and maybe that is not a clear assesment because both jessica and kathy told me otherwise..they said yes they noticed the scars and considered that i was possibly cutting..but that it was other things too that had let them know that something was up..that something was going on...i like to think that i am hiding things well..and maybe with most people i am..but jessica and kathy are in the mental health field..i prolly should have known that they would figure some things out..i mean gosh im in the office on a weekly basis..yes they would figure things out to a point anyway..and yes it shocked the heck out of me when they let me know that yes they did know things were going on and well my questions led to explanations that were overwhelming to put it nicely..my little bubble of safety was popped big time those days..because its like holy crap they can see me..they can see past the whole image that i like for people to see..they can see me more than anyone else..there is only a very small group of people who have managed that..and its only an even smaller handful of people that i willing told on my own..and so my circle of support is tiny..but i dont lean on them because  i feel awful with needing to ask for help and needing them to deal with all of my stuff..i dont even want to deal with it most of the time so how can i ask someone else to deal with it? how can i ask for someone else to listen to me and hear what it is that im not saying..because well me being forthcoming with information is a long long process..i am better at it than i was before..but yeah..my therapist had to work hard to get things out of me and get me to explain myself and say anything at all...i guess its that i dont feel like i deserve help..that i dont think i will be different..i dont believe that i will be able to ever deal with myself..and that just brings my thoughts back to feeling so sad..and alone..and suicidal...but i think about suicide often..maybe i need to explain that..i dont know..i think about it..i want it..but i dont act on it..the whole safety contract thing with linda means that i have to call her..and my darn need to obey the rules means that i will call her..the cutting is different..and not on the same contract..but im trying hard not to do that either..but i am thinking hard about how much of a relief it would be..how much it will let me escape from myself for just a little while..thats all i want..a little break..a little peace of mind..time to regroup without all of the stuff in my head taking over..i want to be able to breath and not have it hurt so darn much..but i cant have that escape either..and so i am stuck with myself and my thoughts..ive tried everything..im writing..im looking up positive things..positive pictures and quotes and stories..im playing all the little annoying time consuming games..im taking my medicine..although one is running out and i dont have the darn money for it..so yes i guess i will have to expect that things are going to be bad for the next week or so..im doing my collages..im doing everything that im supposed to do when i am feeling like this and still nothing is helping keep my thoughts in order..nothing is helping with keeping me feeling calmer..and at ease..and so i am just stuck dealing with myself.and dragging myself through the day..and doing what i can to stay safe and sane and something..i guess the really funny thing is that i am not sane at all..if anyone was in my head i dont think anyone else would be able to deal with it..i dont think anyone else would be able to manage the constant way i am attacking myself..i mean its more of a positive and negative thing..and not completely negative like it was before..but it is attacking all the same..if i want to escape myself then what in the world would i expect someone else to do? 
my thoughts won out yesterday..the negative ones..i didnt cut though..and im obviously still alive..but still today my thoughts are at war with each other..both the positive thoughts and the negative thoughts are fighting hard against each other..its like a constant bickering ..a constant need to prove one more than the other..i think about the people who i do feel safe with..and i try to find comfort in my thoughts of them..its all i have..and soon i have to get up and get ready for work..well its more like right now i have to get up and get ready for work..but i had to empty my head just a little bit..i needed to get some extra room so that i would be able to think a bit clearer and manage with work today..but im not prepared for work today..i dont have my paperwork done..and i am feeling bad about that..and im going to work on them throughout the day..but no im not prepared..and i hate how my depression does get in the way of my work stuff..no i dont want to go to work today. i want to hide at home and not have to deal with anyone or talk to anyone or be around anyone..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to be on the computer..i just want to lay down and sleep the day away so that i dont have to deal with it...im tired...very very tired..

-sigh-

today is just not been the best of days...

im worn out

struggling with a lot of negative thoughts...a lot of negative feelings

wanting support and comfort and attention..

going to bed..im done with thinking for today..

yesterday...

i seem to be on a roll today..with writing.. i am feeling more settled today ..i am feeling calmer today. a little bit better at least and that is a good thing..

yesterday i saw linda..yesterday morning and we talked about how i had been feeling..which hadnt been all that great you know..i was feeling sad..slightly suicidal..and we talked about it.. we talked about what i had been doing to distract myself..i was reminded about my contract with her about not killing myself...it was helpful i think to put it into words and say them out loud..i wanted her to know..well i mean i do tell her when i am feeling like that..and i left feeling sorta settled..in some ways..not great by any means but a bit more settled...

and then i kinda hung out at home and wasted time..i didnt see any clients yesterday ..i actually didnt have anyone scheduled..so i came home..and just wasted time pretty much..

and then yesterday evening i went and talked to lady again..and was able to stay with her..i think i feel safe with her and able to contain myself a little bit...she talked to me about how i was feeling but its different than when im with linda..she bases her talks around god and how he has helped and how he is there...we talked about me feeling angry with him..and we did talk a little about the cutting and the well suicidal stuff..and she listened..and talked to me and hugged me a lot...she told me that she would keep talking to me and keep helping me and that there wasnt anything at all that would make her mad at me.  i was really worried about that..i was really worried that i would overwhelm her and that she would not talk to me anymore..and so she had to get me to break down those thoughts and explain it to her cas i was confusing her..and so then she asked me about going to bible study..and i truly had never been to bible study..a foriegn concept to me..seriiously..and so i went with her and almost had a panic attack due to sitting right in the front...freaked me out big time..and it didnt help that the topic was truth and letting go and gosh darn i wanted to like sink into the floor or something..but i did stay and i listened or tried to listen and tried not to freak out horribly...and then lady did the lets go introduce you to ppl...and ireally wish i was better at remembering people and names..cas yeah..i dont think i remembered anyone she had me talking too..well she talked and i just got lots of hugs..no men though.. just women ..so it was a little bit more ok. and i didnt freak to much..but i was a bit nervous and like sweating horribly lol...i really should have taken off my jacket but well yeah..i was nervous and wanting to hide so yeah i kept it on...and then she and one of her daughters walked with me to my car..and her daughter told me that i needed to hold my head up and that i had nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hold my head down..and im not sure about that..im afraid of looking at ppl and all of that..so we will see..i mean everyone is nice and everything..but i am still a little afraid..i dont feel very adult when im there and even when im with lady because its like she is going to keep me safe.  she is going to protect me..hmm i did tell her that i was afraid of her husband though..so that she would know..and of course her idea is for me to get to know him..but i am afraid..and wont look at him at all ..she told me that its not fair to group all men in one category..and i know thats true..but still i am afraid of men..i am scared of what they want from me..she mentioned that we should have a session with him there..and i think i refused..i dont remember exactly..but yeah i know she mentioned it..and im sure it got me wanting to just throw a tantrum...but yeah..that was a lot last night..to take in and be around...a lot of people..a lot of noise..and at a couple times with just lady i got the worse headaches trying to think and process and stay present..
and i was really tired when i got home...i think i was calmer though..im not completely sure...

but yes my anger has been kicked into high gear lately..i truly want to like umm well hiss at ppl..i think i start getting mad and i dont know how to show it or express it and so it just kinda starts coming out and taking over and i dont know..things are just getting a lot weird lately..a lot weird..

so im supposed to be like writing this list of positive things about myself..and reading some things in the bible..and yeah..being positive and working on stopping the negative thoughts..
not to mention that lady will call my attention to her..and my darn need to obey and do what im told means that she can get me to look in her general direction..she did it 3 or 4 times yesterday when i was with her..and it was when she was trying to get me to understand something..and that makes me feel even more nervous but i tried..so yeah...that was yesterday...

i think yesterday counts for a long long lonnnng day

what has abuse taken from you?

i actually saw this in a blog the other day but it was in reference to rape...and ive been thinking about it since i read it and it makes me wonder a lot.  i know that my past is affecting my life a lot..but sometimes it is hard to recognize just how much it affects me...how much it still hurts me..and how i struggle with being able to fully let it go..

so what has abuse taken from me ??

I feel that my ability to see myself for who i am has been taken from me. I depend on others to judge my self worth. i depend on others to tell me if i am good or not.  My views of myself are very negative. i grew up hearing that i was just stupid and couldnt do anything. i was compared to everyone else and asked repeatedly why i couldnt be like them.  i wasnt an individual at all. i became a collective of everything that i was told i needed to be. i tried to become everything that i was told i should be.  in the process i lost my own views of myself..i lost being able to grow up to be who i am, i grew up without positive self esteem. I became an adult that does not know who i am. but i know what everyone else wants me to be.

My ability to feel safe in the world and trust others was taken from me. i am afraid of everything and everyone. I am afraid of being hurt by everyone. i am afraid to talk to others. i am afraid to be around others or form relationships. i have difficulties trusting other people and believing other people when they are talking about me in some way. i dont feel safe in the world at all. i worry and become anxious going into crowded places or being around to many people.

Im putting personal misconceptions into its own category because i dont know how to really decribe this one...i learned to hate myself..i learned that it was ok to destroy myself. mommy was doing it, other people were doing it, so why couldnt i do it? but i got really good at it and it became who i am. i hurt myself and i struggle to see why it is wrong.  i struggle to understand why people say it is dangerous and why it is easy to lose control.  if nothing else i can control my needs when it comes to hurting myself..i believe i deserve it. i believe that it was all my fault and so i deserve to hurt. i deserve everything that happened because i was bad. because i didnt listen. because i didnt do what i was supposed to do. i hate myself and it doesnt bother me. it bothers other people and that confuses me.

My ability to think rationally was messed up. my irrational thoughts take over.  old thoughts take over. old issues take over.  my thoughts are confusing and mixed up. my thoughts become child like and confused when i am supposed to be in an adult world.

My ability to form stable relationships has been taken.  my fears overwhelm me when dealing with relationships.  i dont trust.  i am afraid. i cant be touched. i cant be loved. i dont believe i can be loved. why would anyone love me ? i am broken.

i was never able to learn what love was..what love is..i never had that supportive parent relationship. i was afraid of mommy.  i am afraid of mommy. i tried to hide from her. i tried to avoid her. i didnt want her attention at all..and i grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. that i was unloveable ..that no one wanted me..no one loved me. i never got comfort or understanding .. i stayed away from everyone.  i am not able to be near people.  i dont want attention...but i still crave attention..i want to be loved and supported and needed. i want to feel like i matter and that i am wanted by someone..i am to old to be looking for and needing a parent but that is what i want.  that is what i need. i want a parent. i want to feel that love and comfort. i want to be hugged all the time. i want to be talked to..i want to know that someone thinks that i am important. and i havent found that ...not completely..ive somehow found different ppl that i am finally letting into my little world..i will accept hugs and seek out hugs from certain people..but then i try to push them away when i feel afraid...i worry that i overwhelm them..that i want so very much from them and they cant deal with me and my needs..and i feel like i will drive them away.  that they will be afraid of me .that they will not be able to help me..that there is nothing in me that will be saved...i just want consistency. i think that is it. i want a constant person who is there for me all the time.  i think that does make me feel selfish. that i want to have someones attention 100% of the time. i just want them and i dont want anyone else to need them or want them..i need so much comfort..i have so many hurts..i dont know what will make the hurts go away. 

i take my anger, my hurt, my sadness out of myself.  i blame myself. i am ashamed of myself and things i have done. i am afraid of the world, of life, of living ..and i dont know how to deal with my life on a daily basis.  i struggle to control my moods..i struggle to release my emotions in a safe way..i feel that i have been ruined..my mind is broken. my body is destroyed..my fears prevent me from being completely involved in my own life..it is hard for me..very hard for me..i hate that i am so affected by my past.  i hate how im still afraid..how im still hurt...how im still so sad..and its not fair..its really not fair..

i dont know...something has to give...

my head is spinning..i have such a headache right now..and im feeling to much inside and i cant make sense of anything and i want to be with someone but i dont know anyone to be with and i want to talk or something but again i dont know who to talk to.. i dont know who i want..i dont know what i want..im feeling lonely..very very lonely..and unheard..and quiet...very very quiet..

i have been feeling very angry lately..i keep feeling angry and upset at everything and at everyone ..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i just want to hide..and i am isolating a lot ..even with my sister here i am still getting stuck in my head..i dont want her to be here anymore really..and i feel really bad for that..but its just that her being in my space is overwhelming me..and she isnt even here today..she went with a friend and im ashamed of the fact that i really wanted the time alone..that i didnt mind at all that her friend wanted her to visit and stay for a day or so..i should want her to be here..want her to visit..and i am..but 2 weeks is pushing it..pushing my limits..pushing my desire to be social and accommodating..its not that i dont want to do things with her and generally i do have a good time with her..but its just me and my own stuff that starts getting in the way..i cant deal with anyone for long..not on a continual daily basis..im not good at it...but the way i am feeling lets me know that i need to not be alone right now..but i am alone..im sad and alone and just not able to really deal with things in my head...

the past couple days ive felt like im just not fitting in..and i think i may have written about it already a little bit..im not really remembering right now..and its making me want to do really crazy and stupid things..like i dont want to see my therapist tomorrow..i dont want to see lady tomorrow..but not seeing them will leave me worried and stressed out to the max...but i get these ideas in my head that i dont need help..that i dont need anyone at all..because obviously nothing is wrong with me..and i dont need anyone to talk to me or do anything with me..i want to be left alone..i want to just be by myself..and at the same time i want attention..i am craving attention so very much..i want to see them and talk to them and feel like i matter for just a little while..becuase i am feeling so different..so messed up..so broken...like im not messed up enough for myself or anyone else either..i feel like everyone else was able to identify what was wrong and get help and have support..and i try but i just cant manage it..my need to be 'okay' outweighs anything else..i need to seem like i am okay..i need to know that i am seen as being able to manage and able to deal with anything..and it doesnt matter how much i torture myself or how much i hurt myself..or how mean i am to myself..there is nothing in me to be happy about ..there is nothing in me worth keeping..and i just wonder why it is that i cant go away..why cant i just give up and call it quits and just not care anymore..what is it that holds me here?? what is it that keeps me suffering so much..what is it that keeps me feeling miserable and sad and angry..why is it that i cant acknowledge outloud that i am hurting..that i do need help..that i do need to talk and express what is wrong...i feel like i am moving back into a very depressed phase..and it is not lifting at all..its just getting worse..so much worse..and i feel like im just messing up everything ..and struggling with everything and not able to say just how bad things are feeling for me..and it makes me upset..because i see everyone else being able to do it..everyone else can ask for help and support but i cant..something is just so screwed up with me..something is so very wrong with me...but im so good at pretending..im so good at trying to fit in and playing a part in what is going on..i participate to a point..and then i just kinda fade away into the background...im feeling very much like i am pushing everyone away from me..that i dont want anyone to care about me..and i just want to be alone and have no one care at all..i dont want to worry that i am making someone worry about me..and so i feel like doing stupid things..really stupid things..and im trying so hard to stay in control..to not cave in..to not hurt myself...i keep being told that i have the choice..that i make the choice to hurt myself..to hate myself..to destroy myself...and how is it that i learned that it is ok to see those things??? who gave me the idea that i dont matter..that i dont have to be safe with myself..that its ok for me to hurt myself because i am nothing?? and all day today and yesterday i am thinking about all of this..and the more i stay stuck in my head the worse the feelings get...i cant get away from them..i cant let them go..and im afraid that at some point the thoughts will win..and i will not be able to keep myself safe..that there will be nothing left for me..that there is nothing worth me being here for anymore..and it is very hard..i dont feel positive..i dont feel anything but sadness right now..and im trying so hard not to react to how i am feeling..im trying hard to remember that i do have people that care..but my need to be rational is being quickly outweighed by everything else..my rational thinking is gone..irrational wins...nothing makes sense..im just broken ..and my pieces dont fit together at all..my pieces cant be put back together...i dont have the strength to keep fighting this never ending battle with myself...someone has to win..someone has to make it stop..something has to give...

"Force yourself out of the victim mode and begin to take positive, strong, healthy steps toward incorporating your pain into your life, learning its lessons and moving forward into joy and peace again." - by Wendy Keller

 

 

this is my life...this quote could sum up things quite nicely i think...i am still so very much in victim mode..i dont want to be though..but i think that i am afraid of changing..afraid of letting go of past stuff..i dont know how..i feel so lost without..i dont know who i am without..im ashamed and guilty and hurt and afraid..i feel like ive missed out on so much because of being afraid..but so much of what i know comes from being hurt..from being ridiculed..from being yelled at and hit and hurt..i still have a hard time acknowledging that it was abuse...i still want to make excuses for all that has happened..i still carry the blame and hurt around with me..its always there..i think about it..worry about it..hate it but cant let it go...im so very stuck.. and i want to hurt..i want to hurt myself because i am afraid..and sad..and scared..im afraid of what i think..im afraid that i want to die..im afraid that i want to hurt myself..im afraid that people will look at me and say im crazy..and say that i just need to be locked away like mommy did..she said i should be in the hospital..she said that something was wrong with me..she told me that no one would do that..why would i do that..why do i have to be so hateful to myself?? i want to hurt myself now..i really do..and it has taken a lot for me to not do i.  i want it..i want it so very much..i want to be able to move past what i am thinking about..i want to be able to do this without help and i cant..it is really hard knowing that i cant do this without help ..i dont like that i need to ask for help..i dont like i am scared of how i am feeling..i dont like that i see nothing wrong with wanting to die or wanting to hurt..i think that i want to isolate a lot right now..and i am feeling guilty for wanting lady to give me attention so much right now...i fought myself hard to not cave and call her again..i dont want her to worry about me..i dont want her to know just how sad i am ..but i am sad..very sad..i feel so alone with all of this...very very alone...maybe i will work on a collage tonight...i need to do something because im afraid that i will cut..im afraid that i will start looking for something to ease my inner pain and then i will be able to show that i am hurting..that i am sad..that i need help and safety and support and care..thats all i know how to do..i dont know what to do with myself right now...i dont think that i will be going to sleep tonight though...i really dont :(

im just broken

i am just feeling sad today...sad and incredibly broken and just out of sorts...ive spent most of the day just not feeling good at all..and i was sick and constantly running to the bathroom..and i just seemed to lose all of my energy..and being out in the heat today did not help at all...i dont know...church this morning has me thinking about things a lot a lot a lot...it was elder wilson today becuase the pastor and his wife were out of town..and i missed her..not so much the pastor but i did miss the pastors wife a lot and wanted her to be there..but i also really enjoy elder wilson and im not sure what draws me to her..but i just want to be near her and with her and of course i want her attention..all of her attention..and i could sit there and just listen to her talk..and i want her to talk to me and just me..and once again my loyalties are changing..and i am becoming more and more attached to the two of them..and i dont understand why..and its like ok i feel the need to be with them..all the time..its so weird..but then i guess its not because i do this...i dont know why they change though..maybe it is because i am needing to find people who are more able to give me what it is that i need..but i dont know what i need..i just want them..i want to be protected and to feel safe and loved and supported and i want it from them..
i did go to church this morning ..with nia..and i was very controlled today for a couple reasons...one being that she was there and i just am not comfortable doing things out of the ordinary with her there..and second i wasnt feeling good .. i felt fine this morning when i got up..but about 20 mins into church i felt so headachy and sick..like queasy and i was getting major cramps..so yeah..i asked my director for something with sugar and she seriously brought me a piece of like a pastry of some sort..and i ate that and it helped a little bit ..but still i just couldnt deal with standing up a lot and kept sitting down and i was getting so so tired..i just wanted to put my head down and go to sleep..but the sermon was umm about truth, the way, the light..and how it relates to god..and cripes she made a lot of sense you know..a heck of a lot of sense..and at the same time i think i was still resisting it and her..i cant hear it fully..i think i am still so very upset with god for not protecting me..for not helping me..i asked for help..i prayed for help..and no one helped me..i am very mad at god..and i think that is why i am so resistant..so removed from it all..and she did the whole you know you can come up if you nneed prayer or something ..and again it was one of those times i would ahve given anything to go up there..i wanted to go up ..i wanted to be prayed for..i just wanted peace..i wanted to feel safe..but i didnt go up front..and i just happened to be sitting behind the woman that had asked for the elder to come to her due to a health issue and not being able to walk to the front..and she came and prayed for her..and again my jealously spiked and i wished so so hard that she would pray for me like that..that she would show me that she cared...and i just sorta watched and at the same time tried to stay out of the way...but after this particular prayer..she went back up front and made the statement about how she felt there were others that had not been able to come up to the front who needed prayer or help..and so the whole prayer thing started all over again..and it was like deep prayer..like ppl screaming and falling and things like that..and i just watched..i watched and observed and took it all in..but i didnt react..i didnt ask for anything..i dont even think i was praying for anything i was just watching..and as i watched i started to wonder if something was wrong with me..if maybe i was doing this whole religion thing wrong..i wondered if there was something that i was missing..something that i just wasnt feeling and everyone else was..i felt left out..like once again this is an area that i dont fit into..and so the only thing that made me feel better was that i got to hold my directors hand..something that i have wanted and wanted to do..and got to do it today..and i tried hard to find comfort in that...tried hard to know and understand that she does care for me...and so i was just wondering what it is that i was doing wrong..and why couldnt i feel anything at all like everyone else..i dont understand what is wrong with me..but the service ended soon after ..and i realized that elder denise was sitting up front..by herself and i was concerned..because she had put so much emotion and feelings into the sermon and the prayers..and so once everyone had kinda left.i went up and sat next to her...and for a little while i had her attention all to myself..and we talked about some things..she noted my confusion and resistance to god and all of that...i asked her about heaven and hell and suicide..and i tried to take in what she was saying..i tried to listen to her..and she made honest statements about me and how she saw me and stuff..and she mentioned that i was making things more difficult and that i didnt have the hope or faith placed in god to help me..and she is right...i dont .. i dont have faith or hope in anything or anyone..its just me and it feels like im really alone and by myself..and i dont know how to make it better or fix it...how many times do i need to go to church..how many times do i need to try before i realize that i have failed at yet another thing...what am i not doing right ??? why do i go to church and still feel completely alone..completely lost ..and utterly confused..why am i not getting helped :( and again i just question that something is so wrong with me..im so very messed up and hurt and broken that i am not letting anything in at all..i just want to hurt myself..i want to hide and i want to just go away you know...this is all so hard and so frustrating and i dont know what to do to make it better..its like i have all of these emotions inside of me..and they have just built up and built up and built up..and now i dont know how to release them..i dont know how to express them or get them out safely..and its like now when i need them to release they wont..the more i feel that they are going to release i fight to gain control over them..i have to keep control..but i think i have reached a place where the control no longer helps me..the need to control myself is getting in the way..and i am not able to express myself or show how i am feeling without resorting to hurting myself..and i dont know what to do..i dont know how to fix it..right now i am feeling a lot like hurting myself..because i am upset..im sad..there is something wrong with me..elder asked me today if what i was doing now was helping me..was it working...i told her no...she asked me why couldnt i let god help then..because i had tried everything else..and she is right..i have tried everything else..i have tried doctors, ive done therapy..ive done meds..all of it..ive done..and still im here..and still im struggling..what is left for me to try?? what is there that i can do that is going to save me..or help me..or keep me safe? what is there that is left for me to do??

cool pictures

a great couple of days :) and other stuff

so my sister is visiting and i decided to take her to to luray to see the caverns..she had a picture contest that she wanted to do and well she has to take nature themed pictures..so i figured the caverns would be an awesome trip and well i really wanted to see the caverns too...so i surprised her and told her that i had a plan set up for this weekend and we would be going out of town...so she was game and we left on friday to head up to luray va..we left in the afternoon and made pretty good time..it was only like a 2 hr drive..so easy...we got there checked into the hotel and then kinda worked on figuring out what to do..so we were looking over the brochures of attractions in the area and decided to go and do the garden maze..it looked like a lot of fun..and it was an actual maze! like you walk in and there are paths going every which way..it was really cool but at first it was a little frustrating because its like you have this quest to complete and you have to find the 4 stations...well darn who know that finding those stations would take so long and there was a lot of back tracking and finding dead ends..and locked doors..and it was like omg are you kidding me?! so i had to work on calming down and just like enjoying it for what it was..and it was pretty cool finding the stations..like really cool..and we completed the whole thing and actually made it out of the maze in one piece lol..and so we decided that it was late and we should go back to the hotel and chill until tomorrow..well that turned into going through downtown and just looking around...we ended up having dinner and this really REALLY tiny seafood rest..and it was ridiculously expensive but really good..and it was like 5 tables in there!! an odd little place but filling..so yeah..it was cool...finally after dinner we go back to the hotel and actually do chill out ...

today..we got up and kinda worked on planning out the day.  the original plan was to just see the luray caverns..but then i was looking through the brochures and ended up looking more indepth at the one that advertised the Natural Bridge..there was so much more to do there and we would still see caverns...so after we talked about it..we decided to do breakfast and drive up to see the natural bridge, and the butterfly garden, and the  caverns, and the bridge of course and there were 2 museums..all for only $28! so we decided to do that one and get more options of things to do...we did breakfast..and then completed the drive...and omg it was the coolest thing ever!!

The Natural Bridge was huge!! and it was set up like a nature trail and you walked through to the waterfall and it was a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng walk..but we finished the whole thing and made it to the waterfall..and we saw the little village..the creeks..the caves..the butterfly garden..the toy museum, we didnt see the wax museum but we did go to the caverns too...so much walking!!!! but it was such a nice day you know..not hot..not cold..and most definitely not raining!! it was breezy and just nice.. so we walked and walked and walked some more...took lots of pictures with my sister..took lots of pictures of just nature and stuff..its been a long time since we have been hiking or walking and stuff like today..i actually miss it you know...a few summers ago i was doing 4 day hikes with different bunches of 'special' children..the whole nine yards..hiking, backpacks..carrying the food and supplies..hiking through the rain, and tantrums, and fights, and the ever so questionable melty cheese after its been in backpacks for 3 days lol..so gross but oh so good at the same time!!! and of course the most fun was making the campfires..and drinking water with bleach in it because of having to water out of the creeks and everything...i mean i am by far not nature girl at all..and being dirty and sweaty irritates me horribly..but gosh darn i do miss it ..a lot more than i thought it was possible to miss..im not the fastest walker, and i complained when i first started, and i hated carrying the backpacks, and the bugs and the dirt..yet i did it..over and over and over again i did it...it was like a small personal achievement each time you know..like yes i did it..i finished the hike..all 4 days..and with all the kids no less lol..so it was cool today..being up in the mountains..being able to relax and just feel at peace for a little while..seeing the caverns on the other hand was a little unnerving..because we were litteratlly like 356some feet underground!! the formations were awesome..they were..the small spaces and the people were a bit overwhelming .. and the slippery ground and steps and well the whole thing made me a bit nervous..im not sorry i did it..but yeah..it was a little creepy..i really just wanted to see a bat :) but didnt see a real one...but did complete that too..and the caverns tour was way more tiring than the nature trail and bridge thing..like i was sooooo tired and worn out after the caverns..but yep got lots of pictures..and it was a really nice trip .. im super glad we did it..it was good to get away from things for a little while..no stress..no nothing..just being up there and able to enjoy it for what it was ..and spending time with my sister was cool too...it was :)

it did suck though that i started to feel sick on the way home this evening...like i think i had a massive sugar drop or something because i felt awful..headache, dizzy, thirsty..so so so very thirsty..finally told my sister i was feeling sick and she started to freak and it was just getting worse you know..i stopped and got a drink and had some chips..and i started to feel a little better..but then just as fast i started to feel sick and queasy and tired..and just in general a bit zoned out..which freaked my sister out even more ..but we got dinner and made it home safely..so it was good. it is good. :) my body hurts so so so much though..i know im gonna be stiff and sore tomorrow..yep..really stiff and sore tomorrow..

i will post pictures..but first i need to write about a couple other things..

mommy is mad at me and is not calling me..ever since she found out that we planned a trip and didnt tell her..why should i tell her ?? we didnt leave the state..we were freaking two hours away..3 at the most you know..it was not a huge massive trip..i didnt ask for money..i didnt ask her for anything so why did i need to tell her anything..so she called me friday and got pissed off at me when i mentioned going out of town and then didnt give her a lot of details..so she hangs up with me ..and immediately calls nia..and it was like really ?!?! ugh..so yeah she hasnt called me since..she calls nia and asks questions about me..but hasnt called me..and it upsets me..because i know she will reach the point where she will call me..and we will have a conversation about how awful i am and how much she cares and blah blah blah..i am 28 years old ..and i still need permission to freakin go someplace ?!!?!? what the hell..ugh..so i am mad..i am..and at the same time im feeling guilty..but im not backing down..not on this..i dont need her permission..i dont..and im not going to ask for it..

lots of money issues going on right now..ugh..frustrating too..and so i will not be able to do the retreat..so ill let them know that tomorrow at church..bills cant be paid and what not..so just really trying to manage you know..

i ended up calling the pastors wife today..i think i was just wanting some support..some caring..something..i wanted something..and she actally talked to me..i called her first and hung up before she answered...but then i called her again and she answered and we talked for a bit..she listened..gave advice..was super duper positive..she told me she loved me..and she asked me to call her back a little bit later to let her know if i had actually gotten out of the house and how i was doing..and so i called her back and just touched base with her you know and let her know that i was ok...she told me that she was out of town and would not be in church tomorrow and that did make me sad...i feel like i need to see her..i need to know that she is not upset with me..that shes not afraid of me..and she wont be there :( and that makes me really sad..and upset..im trying hard to manage you know..but i am scared ..like i just need her here..i need her to be reachable..i just need her...

and to make things better im not freaking sleeping...bad dreams..i wake up all night..i take my meds and still im waking up ..ugh i dont like this at all..i dont like the bad dreams either :(

so i will upload pictures next :) and then meds and hopefully bed! 

nervous nervous and more nervous

im nervous about t today and im nervous about my meeting tomorrow..i want to go tomorrow..i really do..but im afraid too...really afraid .. gosh why cant i have the good drugs! ugh

Easter thoughts

Well today is Easter and I mean overall today my mood has been ok…I was feeling ok for the better part of the day with a few harder times mixed in..my anxiety was really high today and I picked my fingers apart while in church. I didn’t mean to but it just happened..i actually went to church today by myself..without Jessica being there..and it was really scary and I felt like I just stuck out so very much..like everyone was looking at me and everything..Lady (the pastors wife) gave me a hug before the service started..and I don’t even know how she recognized me because I was completely focused on something else at the time and was faced away from the aisle at the time..but she asked how I was and hugged me…and I kinda kept an eye on her during the service..because im just weird like that..and when I have ppl that I am attaching to I tend to keep track of them..because I think it makes me feel better in some weird way..knowing where they are at…and then there is the other lady there who I am attaching to also and I was really upset when I couldn’t find her..like really crazy upset..and I kept thinking about why she wasn’t there when I needed her to be there..i really did..and it took a little while for me to find her..but once I did I calmed right down again..and so I sorta kept tabs on her also…I tried to listen to the service today but thinking about it now I don’t remember it much at all..i mean the jist of it of course I know..i mean I do know the story of the resurrection and all of that..but as for the message I just don’t remember it…and then of course there was the whole prayer part at the front that I really wanted to go do but again fear stopped me..i was deathly afraid..and I couldn’t go up there..i couldn’t..and I was just watching all of it happening and I was so jealous and upset because I wasn’t able to have that kind of support and my head of course twisted it all up and I was thinking that no one liked me and there was no help for me and that I wouldn’t be forgiven for anything because I was awful..and again I kept tabs on the two women who happen to sorta take part it that and prayer for the ones who are asking for prayer..and I was upset about them giving there attention to others..when I so obviously needed there attention…but it just left me feeling really very sad you know..like I so want to be able to just go and ask for support and I cant because im afraid..had I been sitting closer to either one of them I may have asked for prayer or something without going up to the front..i almost wished Jessica had been there so that I could have asked her to ask one of them to come over for me..hmmm I don’t know…but well I got through the whole service..and when it was over I sorta slipped out with the visitors even though I have been there for like more than 2 months now..but still im not a member so I guess that makes me still a visitor!  But anyhoo I went and information room and tried to socialize but sucked majorly at it..and I ended up just filling out the registration form for the womens retreat..i don’t know if ill be able to get the money for it..but ill try..i really want to go but well if I cant afford it then I cant..and im trying to be ok with that..but I did that..and then I sorta pinpointed lady again and sorta hovered around her until she noticed me..and she offered a hug..which I accepted of course.and it was  a very tight and safe hug..it was..and I think I just wanted her to keep me forever..but we chatted for a little bit and she confirmed our appointment for wed evening..and so I was a little proud of myself for seeking her out and getting a hug and talking to her..even if it was just for a little bit…and then I started to look for the other lady and I had to go back into the chapel part and I saw her and just sorta waited for her to again notice me..and she did..and of course the first thing she did when she saw me was offer me a hug..and you know asked how I was doing and everything..and as we were walking out..i asked her if I could ask her a question and she said yes and of course then I couldn’t get the words out for what I wanted to ask her..and she was pretty patient waiting for me to ask..and my nervousness was really keyed up and I was almost ready to take back what I wanted to ask before I asked..ugh…but finally I mumbled out my request for her to pray for me..which led to even more questions some I answered and some I didn’t…I told her that I had specific things that I wanted prayer for but I also told her that I couldn’t tell her all of the reasons yet..and so she asked me a few more questions about more general stuff..and somehow we ended up talking about anxiety..and some of my fears associated with coming to church and all of that.and some general family questions and things..and she did pray for me before I left her today..and she told me that she would pray for me during the week too..and she walked me to my car..and I got one more hug before leaving her today..oh she also asked me if I was okay..and I swear I went stupid for a minute and almost asked her to define what she meant..i asked her something as a response and she repeated the question and I finally told her that I was ok..and we left it at that..i didn’t think today was the day to just lay it all out for anyone..and well I kinda need to be absolutely sure that she will keep everything confidential..i really would prefer you know that everyone did not find out things about me..and im trying to trust at least these two women because I need support from somewhere you know..and if I cant have it at work because its not appropriate then I need it from a safe place..and from safe people..so yeah..i guess I left today feeling a little more accomplished since I had spoken to both of them on my own today..even though I was really scared to do it..the 2^nd lady who I will call D told me that I could have sat with her today….and I told her that she sat entirely to close to the front for my comfort..and she actually told me that she would have moved back some to sit with me..given I don’t think she would been as far back as I was but well I guess I could have compromised..so yeah..i was feeling a bit more settled leaving..still a bit sad…and im a little bit nervous about my meeting on wed .. I don’t know what to tell her..or what to ask for..or if I just need to spill my guts and tell her everything..ugh I don’t know..i will see..my nervousness will prolly cause me to act fairly stupid for a while..

Hmm do I articulate well ??  D mentioned that to me today..she said that I do articulate and speak very well..and I of course started denying it and everything..but I don’t think it’s the first time ive been told this..i don’t remember clearly but I am almost certain I have been told that I speak well..i mean I just assume that I speak you know lol..nothing special..sometimes im told that I talk so proper..that I talk like im white has been told to me before too..just a random thing from today..

But did go and get nia today and the drive actually wasn’t very bad at all..kinda relaxing..and for a little while I was feeling so just okay with everything..i wasn’t worried or scared or anything..i was just enjoying my music and the drive and was at peace sorta..but got nia and we drove back..not a bad drive or anything ..certainly not stressful at all and we were back at my house before 6..so it was a success..im kind of excited that she is here…but well I have to remember that I need to stay in control of myself and no doing anything stupid..so that part of things is a little overwhelming but I will manage…

Hmm I think that is all…just needed to get out my thoughts about today..now back to working on paperwork..yep

Im sad i think

Maybe its just that i am feeling really tired right now and that i really dont want to be at work but i am feeling incredibly sad. Im feeling left out about the whole wedding thing but the triggers associated with that is still pretty bad. Im still working on the whole forgivness part of it and trying to understand and accept that i dont have to punish or hurt myself. That it is ok to feel hurt and sad and angry without needing to retailate against myself. Right now i think the whole thing is just scary still and im afraid to let go of the things that hurt me because i dont know who i am with out them. I knowbi shouldnt use negative things to define myself but who am i without them? Can i really truely stop feeling the need to destroy myself and die. Im trying to talk to linda and i think my feelings of rejection have been really bad this week and i was struggling a lot with feeling angry at everything. Im not angry today. Today i am just really tired and sad. I want to jyst go home and lay down. There is so much that i have to do at home to prepare for nia coming tomorrow and of course ive done nothing. I know i have to clean and what not but im always so tired and dont want to do anything and then i just lay down and sleep and waste lots of time. My time management skills are pretty bad..i think that i dont know how to express that i am hurting without actually hurting myself..i dont know how to tell someone that i need them and that i dont know how to say i need support without demanding hugs and attention..but then my need to withdraw and not ask for help gets in the way and i dont ask for anything and then im upset because i dont ask for what i need and i am upset because my needs arent being met and ive ended up overwhelming my director and not seeing my supervisor is really bothersome..and i miss her. I miss both of then and im still fighting the desire and need to have all of there attention and care and i dont want to have to share them with anyone else at all. I just want them and yes in my head i have created this family with just me and the two of them and i am happy and safe. The reality is that i cant have that and that is not how things can be and it makes me uoset and sad. I feel that it is unfair that i cant have them the way i want to have them. I just want to feel safe and heard and cared for. I dont have anyone to give me that on a regular basis and again in my head this need is a daily thing. Ive spent so long trying to ignire the fact that i needed again..and now i know the need. Its been identified and it refuses to be ignored. I have an appt next week to talk to the pastors wife. I dont know how it is going to go but i hope it goes ok and that i dont freak out or do anything stupid..i hope that i will be able to talk aboutt my fears and issues and how it relates to church and god and everything because there are issues on the whole religion subject. I will have to try not to spill my guts and overwhelm her. I will try. But i know that i do need to have a way to get the excess feelings and stuff out safely..and with my sister coming and staying for the next two weeks i will have to be in complete control all the time..and ill have to be social and talk and everything. I know it will be hard but i think ill just have to manage. So i guess there is just a lot going on right now. I never get a break any more from my head stuff..its a full time job just dealing with myself

more rambles

well today has been difficult in a lot of ways..just couldnt get it together this morning..really couldnt..and it took forever for me to finish my notes that i should have had in on freaking monday..but i just couldnt get it together ..finally got those in..but by the time i left the house i was so upset and angry at everything again..i didnt want to do it..i didnt want to be around anyone at all..and i was just so pissed off about not being able to get my work in on time again...so i ended up going to the office and my supervisor happened to be there..and i got my work stuff printed off and of course i was missing one of my notes..and this would have been the day that i didnt bring my computer with me..so i had to write another stupid note..and finally my supervisor asked me what was wrong and i told her nothing..and she said something had to be going on because i was being much quieter than usual ..cas once im in the office ..i start to just chat and what not ..but today i was pretty much silent..and so she told me that she was about to take a break and that i could come and sit with her for a bit cas thats what i wanted to do anyway..and i considered denying it...but no she was right..i did want to sit with her ..wanted a hug but didnt ask for one..so talked to her a little bit about a bunch of different things..some on forgiveness..both my supervisor and director are pushing for me to trust my therapist and what she is telling me..instead of wanting second and third opinions..they want me talking to her..cas i cant tell them everything and so its hard for them to offer help you know..gosh im trying hard to see their side of things..so we talked a little bit about forgiveness and stuff..and she told me that her time in the office may be stopping really soon and my anxiety started to go up again..and so we had another talk about my supervisors new agency and me working with her there..and well there is still the issue of me continuing to work on my own stuff before ill be able to go with her..so yeah.. left the office in a bit of a better mood..a little bit better..but my supervisor did mention that i didnt seem like myself today..that i was preoccupied ... i told her that i had been feeling really angry and stuff..and yeah.
went to work..and while working got a freakin ticket...oh that pissed me off royally..cas thats an expense that is so stupid and expensive..so that made me feel really awful and annoyed..and i did have a client in my car at the time so it was like ok calm down you know..no freaking out and what not...so took my ticket and moved on..
ended up going to the hair store with my client and decided on a new hair style...again one of those spur of the moment decisions..and it turned out really good..and i do like it a lot.. it turned out really nice..and its longer than the last time and its just brown with highlights..nothing colorful this time..and its just kinda cool .. did make me smile quite a bit this afternoon...and i got to see my adorable little 4 yr old.and got to hold him a little bit.
and then came home..am home now..and feeling a little bit better than this morning..tired and will most likely go to sleep soon..so yeah that was today..

thoughts, rambles, nothing positive at all

im not 100% sure what happened yesterday and what caused the day to be so awful and for us to feel so angry...thinking about it now..i can see how a lot of things prolly played into it...but i wasnt seeing that yesterday at all..yesterday i was just angry..upset..pissed off at everything and everyone and nothing was making it better..i was incredibly aloof with my client and i feel bad for that but i just wasnt in working mode at all and she was annoying me and yeah..i was just not fit to be around normal people yesterday..i finally called it quits and and came home after i left that client because i just wasnt sure if i would be able to deal with anything else..and i didnt..i came home and fell asleep and then woke up feeling a bit more clear headed and not as mad at the world..but still went back to sleep less than two hours later and slept almost all night..im feeling calmer now..but feeling a lot sad and quiet..

now for the list of things that could be contributing..mainly also so that ill remember next week when i see t
-what we talked about in therapy on tuesday..and just feeling triggered in general from that and the memories and all of that
-meds ( ive had to go back to the generic of effexor...and im not so sure that is going to work out)
-pressure from mommy to spend time with her on sunday..
-stressed about my sister coming and staying for 2 weeks (we do have fun with her..but she will be in my space for 2 weeks)
-general work and money stress
-wanting reassurance and comfort and not being able to get it...
-feeling badly that i am overwhelming my director with my stuff and being asked pretty much to back off (and i may be reading into it a bit more harshly than she meant for me to read into it..but still..the message is that boundaries need to be kept and that work trumps anything else) and that makes me feel like i am being really mean and unfair but i am upset and its hard to separate and pull back because of course there is no middle ground for me..its all or nothing..and so being told that you know there are somethings that she is not there for and cant talk to me about makes me feel a lot rejected and im not really sure how to deal with it..and so i dont want to be around her right now..for fear of doing or saying something really stupid and unprofessional..and i know i have to respect her wishes and back off ..but the way that plays out for us is well avoidance..and so i dont want to be in the office and i dont want to talk to her at all because im mad at her..but then the kids miss her and want her and its all just a confusing mess
-the never ending need to hurt..

ok i guess that is all i can think of for now..but i think thats a lot..my head is on overload big time right now..it really is and it is just hard to manage and get things done when i just want to stay at home and cry about the injustice of the world and how unfair my life is..and how my needs arent being met..and so i tried to reach out..i did try. to a lady that we had sorta deemed maybe safe from the church we are going to..and she did email me a little bit tuesday evening..but didnt email me yesterday to see about meeting and talking a little bit..and so my feelings of rejection just sky rocketed... and i know that i can be overwhelming..i do..but there is so much in my head and i dont know what to do with it..and the few ppl i do talk to cant handle it cas of the other relationships that i am supposed to have with them..like work stuff..and i dont mean to overwhelm them..i truly dont..but because i have then the need to pull back and shut them all out completely becomes what i think i need to do..and the problem with that is that if i do that then all of the things that get locked inside will come out in other ways..and none of them will be healthy ways at all...so i dont know what to do about it ..any of it right now..its like crap why cant i have therapy 50 times a week..i cant deal with myself on my own..and then hiding and isolating and being quiet and pretending is all that i do...i think im heading back for just survival mode...thats all i know how to do

scream scream scream

i am having a very bad no good rotten day.  i want to just scream at everyone to leave me alone and ii am tired and maybe that is causing me to be a little bit cranky..i dont know. but today is just not a good day at all.

anxious...

my anxiety is getting the best of me today and im worrying about everything ..worrying why i havent gotten an email from the pastors wife.  i want her to email me. maybe im just wanting someone to connect with. i want to know that someone cares that i exist and that i am here.  everything that went on yesterday has me feeling so scared and feeling very exposed. and just unsure of myself right now...im really tired right now..like sitting down and not even doing anything makes me feel like i could just go to sleep..and i just want to say screw it to everything else..i didnt sleep good last night..and i really do just want to sleep for a long time right now..i do..have i mentioned how tired i am..but im tired and worn down and just out of sorts..

a new day

im trying ..i am  trying really hard to keep myself safe..im so sad...so hurt..its not fair ..that i was blamed for things i didnt do..well i was blamed for the entire thing and it shouldnt have been like that..it makes me sad and afraid..and i am so tired...of all of it...

burned bridges

today...today has just been really hard..in so many ways...my head hurts..and i just want to lay down and pretend that i can block out the world for the rest of the day.  i cant deal with anything else today.  i dont want to think about anything else..i dont want to process anything else. i just want to feel safe..i think all that has happened today is beginning to catch up with me and its so draining..earlier today i really wanted to just go home and sleep after therapy.. i was physically tired after seeing t today. my body was tired, my mind was tired..talking today wore me out..and i was fighting tears in her office..

but i need to write it out..already im forgetting..but i want to try to write some of it out..

i told t about what i have been remembering..i told her why i felt it was my fault..way i should have stopped it..i told her what happened to the best of my ability..i told her how it was handled..and i tried not to cry when i told her about the things that happened afterwards..the way i was blamed and unable to defend myself..it was the first time ive ever told anyone about this particular thing..because it holds so much shame and guilt..and i feel so horrible about it..and i want to cry still and plead my innocence like i wasnt able to do when i was a kid and this all happened..i wanted to be told that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt want to hold on to it anymore...and in my fear i talked to her..and tried to stay present but my head hurt so so much..she did tell me it wasnt my fault..she heard me out..she told me that i was a victim in the situation and that she understood how my thinking about it came about..i wanted to say it wasnt my fault..but fear and blame held me back..i told her it was my fault..that everyone told me it was my fault..and there was no way for me to explain it or to defend myself or anything..i just took in all the blame and turned it around until i made it even worse and i punished myself for it..i still punsih myself for it... i think it made t sad though..to know how long ive been punishing myself for something that wasnt my fault..she asked me what i would need to forgive myself..what i would need to do..what i would need to happen..and i dont know.i dont know how to forgive or how to let go of the hurt..i dont know how to let go of all the blame and fear..and i want to say .. i want to tell someone that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt say no because i didnt know how ..i was afraid..and the age thing isnt the biggest factor ..because my body age was one thing but my mental age was a little different..i didnt know about boundaries and saying no..i didnt know that i didnt have to do what he wanted..i didnt have to let him do it..i dont want the blame anymore..its so tiring carrying around so much blame and guilt and it wasnt my fault..no matter what anyone else may think..it wasnt my fault .. i want so much to believe it.

its still so scary...we spent some time talking about forgiveness and things in t today..it was just a sad and hard session..admitting some things that happened..and struggling to get myself grounded after leaving..i went to work but it took a while to get myself to calm down and regroup..pretty tearful and all of that..am feeling ok right now..just really tired..and feeling confused a little bit..

did have a chat with my director today..and yep it was one of those 'of please dont do this' conversations..yuck..but pretty much it was that she couldnt be my counselor..and that i toeing the line with boundaries by wanting to talk to her so much and what i wanted to talk about..and so she mentioned dual relationships..and yeah..i started drifting then..i dont want her to go away..she told me that she cares..and that she supports me..but more or less that there are some things she will not talk with me about..and so pretty much i have to back off a bit.a lot..i have to back off a lot :(  but the problem with that is that i need to have someone i can talk to and see and just be with..who i feel safe with..and as i was talking to my director today she mentioned a couple ladies at the church who may be good to talk to and trust..both women i know sorta...both ppl that i think i could learn to trust..and well i emailed one laddy since she is like the pastors wife..and she is nice enough..and i swear i emailed her and she actually responded and that is scary..i dont think i expected her to respond to me..but she did..so i will have to see how it goes..and how i feel about it...i know that i cant have everything with my supervisor..i want everything but i cant have it..and so all of the feelings/needs/wants are going to have to go somewhere..its just so hard .. i feel so out of sorts with all of it..

so i am trying to take it easy i am..im not having such a good self esteem day/week..whatever..im afraid..worried you know..about things

my director also told me that she will not be at church this weekend..and she said it would be good if i still went..and that scares the heck out of me..go alone?!!?!  im freaking out a bit about it..worried...but due to my lack of feeling safe right now..i want to go..but going by myself and sitting by myself is scary...so yeah..not sure..

The only wealth is life... a facebook post I read this morning

The only wealth is life.

James Allen once said, “People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they’re unwilling to improve themselves; therefore, they remain bound.”  Now, if we want to have different circumstances, if we want to experience prosperity, loving relationships, peace, and joy inside, we’ve got to go inside and unbound ourselves and drop whatever is blocking our personal power. What I am talking about is the power of forgiveness.  
It isn’t always easy to forgive others because of what they did.  The ego makes a very strong case against them. And it builds up all of the reasons why they were so awful and why we’re going to resent them forever.  Did you know your ego will ruin your life?  And the world is filled with people who would rather be right than happy.  Some will go to their grave clinging to the idea that they would rather be right than happy, at least in their own mind.  Now is that what you want?
There’s a beautiful old saying that the only wealth is life.  Sometimes it seems that only animals know we’re actually here to be happy.  So let’s please think about releasing old baggage. Let’s let go of the past. And I know that sometimes people do things that seem terrible and totally unacceptable.  There are some incredible things that go on in our society, cruelty and thoughtlessness, and I’m not suggesting it’s easy.  I’m saying it’s necessary if we want to be happy and empowered people.  We clean up the past because an unfinished past leads to an unfinished future.
Many people have been through the long dark night of the soul.  Have you known some dark moments?  There’s a beautiful Chinese proverb that says, “Don’t curse the darkness.  Light a candle.”  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and reach out to that other person?  Why don’t you be big enough to stand up and forgive?  It takes a lot of courage to do it.  It’s an incredible gift we give to ourselves because it releases our personal power and it literally sets us free.
Dale Carnegie once said, “If half a century of living has taught me anything at all, it’s taught me that nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”  There’s no peace in the world.  There’s no peace that just “fixes” people.  It’s tough to change. It’s especially tough to change dramatically.  People are creatures of habit at a very deep level.  Peace is inside of us, and as we create peace inside of us in a very beautiful way, our life becomes peaceful and love and support comes back to us.  I can not explain how it happens but I’ve experienced it, and I’ve seen it lives of other people.  We release all that beautiful, powerful living when we forgive.
Charles Dickens once said, “We forge the chains we wear in life.”  And if you want to let go of your chains, then you want to let go of your judgments and your anger and your resentments.  Regardless of what others did, it’s too expensive to you.
There are no solutions in the outer world, only inside of us.  I have found that acts of forgiveness and the act of dropping the judgments and the blames and the anger is simply life-changing.  And I do it along the way whenever it becomes necessary.
A.J. Muste once said, “There is no way to peace.  Peace is the way.”  Let’s go out there and let’s do whatever it takes to be at peace so that we can release our personal power and have the wonderful and glorious lives we so richly deserve.
By Dr. Michael Wickett 

what is wrong with me ??

something is wrong...something is bothering me...im upset and sad and confused and i dont know what i want to do to myself..i want to hurt and cry and scream and yell and just run away..im so so overwhelmed right now..and im just struggling..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want..i do know what i want..i want attention..i want someone to pay attention to me..i want to know what im cared for..loved..im feeling alone..no im feeling bad aboout myself..

i dont know what i want to do..i dont seem to know a lot today..im feeling very sad and quiet and upset...

i was thinking this morning that my family is ashamed of me..and my problems..im the screw up..im the one that cant deal wit hthings and so i just slip through and no one really notices..no one can know about my issues or anything like that..dont talk about it..dont bring it up..hide the scars..no one can know just how messed up i am..and so maybe im not messed up..maybe this is all just some stupid game and im perfectly sane and there is nothing wrong with me..and somehow this is all just so very wrong..mommy is pushing for us to have a family get together this weekend...on sunday...the problem is i dont want to see her..i dont want to be around her..im afraid that i will see her and that she will just point out everything that is wrong with me..tell me how much i need to fix about myself..demand to see what ive done to myself..she will kill me if she finds out im cutting again...wth :(

i wondered yesterday during the class im taking what was wrong with me...am i not screwed up enough to need help? to need support??  i havent been in and out of hospitals..i havent tried to really kill myself..maybe i am not sick ?? i am not crazy?  i dont fit in anywhere..im not crazy enough to need the hospital..im not crazy enough to be in crisis all the time..im not anything.. im just broken and lost and nothing..absolutely nothing ..

what do i have to do to prove i need help?  to prove that there is something wrong with me ?

todays thoughts

Its monday and well there is just a lot going on i guess. I dont want to go back to cutting. I really dont but i am feeling the need more and more and it sucks. I cut yesterday. The end to a very low self esteem week. I tried not to. All week i tried not to do it and it sucks a bit thay i still gave in. I showed my director