taji cuteness :)

i cant do this

im not feeling completely safe with myself tonight. im really not. i want to cut..i want to hurt..i want something to focus on that will stop my mind from going in circles..im scared..im anxious..im nervous..i want to be comforted.i want to be hugged and talked to..i to feel like i matter to someone..to anyone..i want to not feel invisible and alone..i want to be important..i want to demand to be seen and heard.. i wish i was important..and worth something..i wish i could manage myself without needing someone outside of me for comfort..but thats what all of this stuff is bringing up..i want to be reassured and i want to be comforted ..and the need to cry makes me feel vulnerable..exposed..i dont want to bring up the past..but little bits and pieces are creeping out...thoughts and wanting something better..i dont know what to dow ith myself..im afraid to depend on someone else for my support..im afraid that she cant give me what i need and then i feel horrible for being so needy ..for needing so much ..i feel like i need constant support and reassurance and i cant do that with myself..i dont know how to do it for myself..and right now im having trouble with focusing and getting my head in order..im feeling overwhelmed and unsure of things ..i want to go to sleep but i know if i get up right now ill go for my razors before i go for my medicine..and what then..i have tried some things to calm down..ive written..i asked a friend for ideas of things to do..im listening to music but nothing is helping..im still afraid...im still wanting a break from myself..

todays session ... with my supervisor

im trying to believe that my supervisor has the boundaries to keep me together..to keep me in place..to keep me from going overboard with all of this...

i had another long convo with my supervisor this evening..she told me i had ten minutes..and an hour later we are preparing to leave the office..i knew my supervisor would get going and then i would be able to stay with her..we are really wanting to stay with her. to be around her. to listen to her. and she gave us a big big hug before we left..she does the mini back rubs to with us all the time..its just a bit more noticeable now..i dont mind her touch. i can handle her touch..

but we talked more about stuff today..and no she cant be my t cas i asked ... we had watched this video thing during the staff meeting and yes i watched it and felt it was like just screaming about what i had talked to my supervisor about the other day..later on when it was just me and the supervisor she showed it to my again..and talked about the whole thing and how it related to me..and how it was for me..and how it could be me..the living..the achieving my dreams..all of this stuff..and she talked about again it not being my fault and that i was lead to believe all this stuff thats not true..and that i am unique and special..and that i can do anything i set my mind to..and that being made to believe stuff thats not true doesnt have to happen anymore..and that i had to make a decision about what i wanted to do..and she told me that she hoped i would make that decision sooner rather than later.. i told her i was scared..

i asked her about my future...she told me that she could see things getting better for me...i asked her about children..and she said she saw me more in the adoption end of things..moreso than having my own...i wanted to ask her if she knew how i died but of course she picked that moment to tell me that only god knows the future (something like that) ..and i asked her about my past..and she keeps bringing up an incident that i dont remember...which led to a whole conversation about blocking and dissociation..she told me that i would be a good canidate for hypnosis..and possibly energy work...ive never really considered hypnosis..but i have considered energy work..but again thats stuff that cant be done alone and has to be done with a specialized person and all of that..but again she told me that you know there were prolly good reasons for why i have things blocked out..and that she wasnt going to start telling me stuff and could possibly trigger a reaction..and she told me that she knew she was triggering some things from us talking and what not..but that she didnt want to open a can of worms that i wasnt ready to deal with..

it is so odd ...feeling like someone has just opened up my head and is walking around inside and just pulling out all of this information..i feel so exposed and vulnerable with her..but its a much more manageable level this time around...maybe i just want things to get better..maybe i just want to believe her..and i want to know that things can be better and i dont have to be stuck anymore..that i have to start working on it now because i have a story to tell..and my story will help other people...how can i have a story that im not completely sure about and most certainly dont remember??

i talked a little bit about how to deal with the overwhelmingness of bringing all this stuff up..we talked about my niece and the possible adoption of a baby..big possible but a possible all the same..

well again it was a lot of her talking and me just sorta listening and trying to keep up and trying to believe her words and hear what she was saying..

she told me that she was proud of me for calling the counseling place..and i did call and the lady who was recommended isnt taking new clients right now..my supervisor said that she would get more info for me though about other ppl she knows..and can recommend..

i mentioned the conference down in fla in jan and mentioned that i wanted to go..and told her what it was about..her response?? she told me that dissociation was a defense mechanism also..and i told her i knew that and that sometimes its seen a been crazy when ppl mention hearing stuff...and i had to let that conversation drop..

and she gave me a hug before i left..and i did want to cry lots today with her. but i didnt. when she refers to the younger me that she sees..she told me that i was crying..that i was so very sad...so very hurt..and i hear her and its like gosh that must have really been forever ago because i havent cried for myself in forever..im not even sure i can anymore..i cant feel enough for the hurting parts to be able to cry or grieve or acknowledge..i cant do that..i cant break down the walls and allow all of that hurt and pain and fear to get out..i would go insane..and thats prolly what my supervisor is trying to tell me..that i have to let it out..that i have to deal with the emotions..i have to feel them..i have to understand them, process them..and let them go..but the fear holds me back. it holds me prisoner..when she was hugging me she told me that i was beginning to chip away at stuff..but that there was still a long road ahead of me..where as all i wanted to do was melt into her and ask her to never let me go .. instead all i said was ok and i don't know just hugged her..small measure of comfort in the chaos that is my head ..

and for all of this it feels like i have more questions than answers..and i know that there is only so far my supervisor will go with me..but i figure i may as well push a bit and see what happens..but she will not be my t and i have to get used to that..i know she will talk to me though..and i know she will support me..and maybe that is what i need from her.. but that doesnt stop me from wanting so much more from her..and im pretty sure she prolly knows that too darn it..her and knowing stuff is so creepy..and well i sorta told her that ..

i asked her if it was so obvious that i was unhappy and she told me no..that she could pick up on it..but that not everyone would..

i want it though..the life she sees for me..she told me that i am still a victim..that i have become comfortable being a victim..that i know and understand what it means to be a victim..and that now my task is to learn how to live..how to thrive and not just survive..it would be nice to actually want to be apart of my life..be able to see more than just getting through the day..it would be nice to actually want to be alive..

for colored girls...

i watched this movie this morning..for the second time...and i feel compelled to write..compelled to think to act..to just do something..i dont know what..

for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuff..is the actual title of the book the movie is based on and i have yet to read that book.  sometimes stops me from buying it..from reading it.  im afraid ill relate to much..that ill read the different stories and see myself looking back at me..im afraid to face the truth..of knowing what is wrong with me and working to change it.  i dont know why i watched the movie this morning..i really dont..because it did get a reaction out of me.. they werent as bad and overwhelming as the first time i watched the movie..but they were reactions all the same..hurt..horror..sadness..unspeakable sadness for all the times i have been hurt..of all the times i have seen someone hurt..for all the times i have felt so helpless and unable to do anything to make a situation better..it is hard watching that..it is hard knowing that the truth is there and it cant be hidden from..oh you can try..you can try with all your might to hide from the truth..but it will find you..and when you least expect it..it will claim you..

sometimes it is really hard being so supportive to others...im expected to be supportive and caring and nice ..but no one is there to support me..my supervisor told me that i do have ppl to support but i am not seeing it..sometimes i wonder why it is that i am so alone in trying to deal with my self and my own stuff..who wants to listen to me..

hurts like a (&(*W

so got my hair braided yesterday ..sort of... and it hurts like omg lol...last night was the most useless attempt at sleep that i can ever remember..i tossed and turned and moaned and groaned all night! i want to sleep but i cant get comfortable because the braids are so very tight and painful...crap..tonight i will take my sleep meds and be knocked out darn it..

and in all of my tossing and turning last night...i completely knocked my computer off of the bed...yeah..it was one of those nights..

yesterday

ive been trying to write since yesterday..and still this is open and nothing has been written...my mind is all over the place..but its not completely a bad thing this time around..im just thinking about a lot of stuff and trying to figure things out..and wondering what is going to happen with some things...hmm yeah just a lot on my mind..

you know something ..i really wonder sometimes what people expect of me..ok more than sometimes...but with whole issue with my niece and her pregnancy is a bit of a hassle...people are getting their stories crossed and suddenly there is way to many ppl in the middle of an issue that they really cant do anything about...i told my niece myself that she needed to think and figure out what she wanted to do..i told her that if i came to me adopting the baby..then there would be no take backs..because in her mind it is a 'oh i can just drop the baby off and then come back later and get her again..and it will not be like that..so i had to talk to her because i am not ok with her going around and like telling ppl something that is not true..so yeah ... still figuring out that whole issue..and not super focused on that right now either..

yesterday..yesterday was actually a pretty fun day..all things considered..i really cant remember the last time we laughed so much...given for part of the day we were just a little tipsy..but lost that buzz pretty quickly ..but went shopping and out to lunch and then to the hair store which was a huge experience ..talk about being out of my element but it was incredibly fun playing with the wigs...tried on the super bright purple one and wanted to try on the yellow one but the friend i was with said no way lol...so otried on other ones and actually decided on a new hair style which we are getting done today. so it is going to be different and its got purple highlights !! its so cool..we will have to take pictures after it is done lol..wont tell what it is actually but yes it will be interesting and well because its me its so not over the top but it is a little bit different..still a short style and everything though.. i called mommy yesterday and told her that i dyed my hair purple and she got so pissed at me..like she was really mad..and hung upp on me. and i had to call her back and tell her that i didnt really dye it purple..but i told her she didnt have to look at my hair if she didnt want to..and i am changing my hair because i want to..not for her..

you know i actually told my friend yesterday that i didnt need anyone telling me what to do..i dont like people telling me what i cant do or what i shouldnt do..it bothers me .. and with anyone but mommy i can say that its stupid and not their business..with mommy its a little trickier and i end up not so sure..but right now ..i dont want her telling me what i can and cant do either..i dont like that..i dont want that..i am an adult arent i ? ugh..

but anyway..mood is okay today..trying to get up and get moving but its going slow lol..im currently trying to get myself to take a shower so that i can go ahead and wash my hair. and all of that...

hmm wondering if there is anything else lol..

maybe not

thinking..really truly thinking..

today has ended up being one of those days were i have so much to process i just dont know where to begin...my head is surprisingly quiet tonight on all of this..and i am wandering lost and a lot confused as my supervvisor today me today.

the major thing is that she gave me a hug..a really long super tight and majorly safe hug..she told me that i can have a hug everytime i come into the office.  she really told me that..and that is one of those things that really messes with how old i feel..the excitment over this is childlike and full of child wonder you know..with this i am not my adult self at all..my childself has attached to the promise of hugs.the unspoken promise of support and understanding and caring..that is all the childlike part wants..love and caring and support.  she told me today that i am not alone and that she is in my corner with me.  it has been a while since i have felt cared for..in this way.  it is a feeling that i am not used to at all. but it is a nice feeling.  i think about the hug and feel calmed and quiet.  even though my supervisor talked and talked and talked to me..what i remember most..right this moment anyway is that she gave me a hug..and that she didnt tell me no or yell at me or anything..i was so afraid she would tell me no but i was so deteermined not to leave without a hug..i just have had a really bad week you know aqnd i just wanted a little support..my need for comfort is at an all time high right now..and i am just at a major loss of where to get it from.  but know at least i know i can get a hug from her and it is ok..it is safe..and not scary.  i know she isnt going to hurt me..she is not going to hurt me ..

see i had a conversation with my supervisior a couple months ago about some personal stuff..and it was more of she told me about my own personal stuff and freaked me out pretty throughly .. and with that conversation i ended up alot of questions ..a lot of wondering about what she knew and didnt know.. i never went back and asked her my questions though and the conversation never came up..it was one of those 'i know you will come back when you are ready' type things..she was waiting on me to ask my questions..she didnt push or question me in any way.  yesterday i happened to be in the office and was feeling very not ok..ive been sick and stuff this week..and well we were talking about something and i mentioned that i still had questions for her...and she told me that she knew i still had questions..today i went into the office to pick up my paycheck and my supervisor just happened to be in the office by herself..and so i decided that i wanted to talk to her .. well i just wanted something from her but i wasnt sure what it was ..i just wanted to be around her i guess. she is different when it is just the two of us in the office...she is quieter..she talks to me in a quieter voice..she is even more caring and supportive..and i think more so because she knows that i have so many other things im dealing with..she knows all of this stuff about me that i have never told her..she just knows..and she tells me and i ask her about it.  i want to know..i want to know what she knows. i want to know what she thinks..i just want so much from her but my fear stops me..but today i just went and sat down and we talked a little bit about work stuff and then the conversation moved to talking about my stuff..what im dealing with or not dealing with..but she talked and talked and talked and i listened and listened and listened some more...at times i was so nervous and scared all i wanted to do was run out of the office away from her..i didnt want to hear her..i didnt want her acknowledging anything..i didnt want to have to face anything that she had to say...one big thing from the previous conversation that we had was whether or not she knew about the cutting.  i was scared you know..i didnt want her to know but i think that deep down i knew she did...i asked her if she knew what my coping skills were..we were in the middle of talking about stopping bad habits..and what it means to understand an action...i asked her..and she told me..she told me about the cutting, the binging/purging..the suicidal thoughts..she just laid it all out for me..and i was so scared and so very sad..there are my secrets..laid out for the world to see ..and she knows them..but she told me ..she told me that i have to understand the actions..the reasoning behind the actions..i have to get the irrational thoughts under control and realize them for what they are..she told me about rational thinking and how it works..we talked about my eye contact and feeling unsafe and scared..she talked to me about abuse and neglect..she told me it wasnt my fault..she told me im not bad..we talked about self worth and confidence and well that i dont have much of either..she talked to me about understanding and believing in my self worth..and understanding that the past is over with and that i am living now..but how i am not living..she told me that i wasnt alone..that she saw all sorts of things in me that i wasnt seeing..and that she wished and hoped that i would see them one day too...she told me that it would be important for me to lean on others until i was able to see these things for myself and believe them...so well you get the just of the conversation today..it was a long long conversation..she told me that now is my time to heal but that i have to be willing to put the work into it..that i have to be willing to learn, accept, grow..etc..and i listened to her..i did..she gave me info on a therapist that she reccommends..i didnt mention that i am already seeing a therapist..

i dont want to be stuck forever..i want to be happy..i want to enjoy life..i want to be able to deal with myself and stress and life without becoming so depressed..without isolating..without hiding or cutting or eating or starving..i want to be a part of my life..and i think that is a big part of what i have been learning with my current therapist..that i have my life and its either i am a part of it or im not..that i have to live and enjoy what i have..accept what i have..but i dont know about the next step...i have been edging away from taking the next step..im not fully commited to the work..and i think i am beginning to realize that..i have so many thoguhts and things in my head and it gets all jumbled up and confused and full..and i dont know how to sort it out..i dont know how to understand it..i dont know how to work through it..im afraid of knowing..of understanding...im afraid of getting into all of it..of digging up the past..but my supervisor is right in that icarry around all of it anyway..i think about it constantly..its in my head whether i want to acknowledge it or not ..it is there..and bringing it up and dealing with it may infact make me feel better...but that scares me..how am i going to deal with bringing it all up and acknowledging it when i feel so alone with all of it..how can i understand it when i am just afraid of it..how can i make it better? how can i make it worth it? i was listening to my supervisor today and started to wonder when i will be able to cry for myself..when i was be able to let go of the pain.the fear..the sadness...when will i be free?  when will i be able to let go of the pain..? i have been once again just doing enough to get by..i go to therapy and talk about the day to day stuff..but dont often get into the past stuff..because i am afraid of myself and how i will deal with it..im afraid ill become so overwhelmed and scared that i will act on my suicide plans..or develop more indepth plans..im afraid ill ahve a break down..and i dont know what i want to do...but i do know what i want to do..i want a life..i want love..im tired..so very tired of not living..of not being a part of my own life..i want to understand..i do..but i am just afraid..my supervisor talked a lot about facing my fears..of defeating my fears by facing them..im afraid of my fear..my fear has its own fear!! goodness.. it feels so overwhelming knowing that i have so much to work on..having so much to deal with and process and live through yet again..yes im afraid..im very very afraid..

there is a lot in my head tonight...a lot that i am thinking about and wondering about..but at the same time i am feeling rather calm..maybe i am a bit detachedd from it all..wondering what i am going to do..what i am going to decide..

my supervisor gave me information on a thearpist that she reccommends..and i told her i would think about it..think about seeing her..can i have two therapist at a time?? i sort of have been wondering about getting in contact with the new lady and just talking to her..and seeing what she is like..see if she can help me in some way that has not been tried yet..i do know that i need to see someone on a weekly basis though..i cant do every two weeks and dig up my past..it wont work..and i just have to understand that...i need to see someone on a weekly basis..

but this was part of my day..only about 2 hours..but it feels like it was so much longer..it feels like so much happened in that time..and this is where i am at with it...i think i still have a lot of thinking to do about it all though...yeah..a lot of thinking..

just thinking...who am i ?

lately i think im am being pulled in so many different directions..and i am getting lost in the process..well more lost than usual...i am being sucked into being everything for everyone else..and what has it gotten me ?? stress? confusion?? upset and hurt feelings?? who am i?  who am i becoming ? who am i trying to be?  i dont know..i really dont..everyone seems to have me pegged..everyone wants to tell me who i am..what im supposed to do..who im supposed to be?  what am i going to do  ?  it feels like i really am being pulled apart at the seams and that nothing will be able to put me back together pretty soon...sometimes i think  about just leaving..and being gone for a few days and truly getting away from thing and people and life..but i cant do that..i really need to find something to do that will help me lessen my stress and my run away thoughts..the past couple months i just haven't been able to get a grasp on things..and it feels like life is just slipping through my fingers..what am i going to do  ?  i feel like i am just falling apart and struggling to manage..struggling to handle things..and the more that stuff happens the more out of touch and lost i feel...right now im not feeling good and there is work and all sorts of stuff that i have to deal with and handle..when all i want to do is lay down and admit defeat..i cant handle being around ppl and just want to be left alone..but instead..i have to deal with more and more ppl..well with work ppl..and all of that..its tiring you know..im just tired...

i know the holidays are getting closer and closer..and its just raising my anxiety levels a lot..already im bombarded in the stores with holiday decorations and gifts and stuff..already im trying to plan for being at home and being around family ..and doing what i am expected to do..it is just a long down hill spiral after my birthday isnt it..life is depressing right now..i am depressing right now..and i just dont know what it is going to take to get things back in order .. i really dont..from aug pretty much until after jan..things are just harder for me..i have a harder time managing..i haave a harder time living..this is my trigger period..and it stinks...

it is hard realizing that you know everyone sorta has me pegged...how can i be accepted when no one is wanting to know who i really am ??  everyone 'knows' me...really?  how can anyone really know me when i dont allow anyone to know me...maybe a hand full of people know me and see me..but others ..they assume they know me and who i am..they TELL me who i am..what i want..what i need..they tell me that i cant be a certain way..they tell me how to be a certain way..what i need to say or do or how to live..they just want to control me..and i guess in some ways they do..because i am to shy to convince them otherwise..why would i contradict what they think they know?  it is safer for them to think they know me..its safer for them to come to there own conclusions because then i just have to be what they want and i dont have to think about myself and figuring out who i am...

do i want to know who i am ?? how can i learn to be myself and to accept myself when i am so easily swayed into believing that i am someone that im not..its so much easier not having to think about it myself .. but i guess it makes me sad hearing people talk about me and say im this way or cant be that way..and know that it is not true..know that it is not who i am...but how can i change there minds?  who is going to speak up for me? who is going to see me ?  lately i have been feeling so lonely..alone..unseen..invisible..depressed..i want to speak up..i want to do so much ..but fear stops me..being afraid holds me prisioner ..and i have trapped myself so very much that i dont think there is a way out for me...not anymore .. its like i just keep going in circles and the harder i try to get out of it the more i am held there..the more i just wander and hope and pray for someone to find me..for someone to see me and pull me to safety..but no one sees me..no one ever sees me..and eventually it will be to late for me..and i will be gone and no one will realize that i needed help..no one will be there for me..its just me and i am all alone..

i wonder when it is that i will completely give up?  when will i finally manage to just call it quits and stop trying and just say no to everything and go away. i want to die..i dont want to be here ..i dont think i ever wanted to be here..and maybe that is what no one understands..maybe i dont even understand the true depth of my despair.. maybe i dont know just how far i am willing to go to escape from myself..i want to escape..i want to go away..and im afraid that i am slipping..that i am falling back into the old stuff..i want my escape and i know what it takes to get it..but am i willing to do it..willing to go and get my razors back...as long as its hidden and no one knows then what is the harm?  i dont like myself..i barely tolerate myself..and i miss the nothingness that i could escape to..the emptiness where everything is stopped..everything is quiet..my head is quiet..i just want a break i think.

but i have to work..i have to make it through each day..but i find no real enjoyment in anything..i find no enjoyment in life..in living..i am existing but i am not living..ive never lived..and so i have nothing that truly holds me here..there is nothing in this world for me..and im tired of looking for a reason to stay..

overwhelmed to say the least...

there is so much going on right now and i am overwhelmed..im tired and not feeling well and just freaking overwhelmed..

this weekend was the start of some medical stuff and its just not getting better...the gyno issues are still going on and still a big big issue..ive tried the meds but i stop them and that is my fault..but the bleeding and cramping and general suckish feeling continues..and i ended up in the emergency room...ive never felt so alone in my life..in pain..doped up..and stuck in the er all by myself..there was no one to go with me..and i was just sad and sick and scared...i had to have a gyno exam and that freaked me out..i tried to get away from the doc and her fingers but of course there was no where to go..but alas no infection just a heck of a lot of bleeding..and pretty much i was told that i would have to get in touch with my reg gyno and talk to her about it all...on friday i should be able to get my birth control filled and will happily go back on it..but the other issue was that my blood pressure was up and just getting higher..it topped out at around 230/1something..here i am drugged up to my eyeballs and trying to listen to the doc about my blood pressure and how it is dangerously high..and all of this and the meds have me so far in lalala land that i dont know what to do..so they kept me..and kept me some more..and i stayed even though i didnt want to..and even though i was scared and super on edge after the exam..and im just quietly in there you know..just waiting and listening to the doc talk about me .. i dont like the er and hope i never have to go back again..but well its started all sorts of stuff :(  mommy is calling me repeatedly and telling me all sorts of junk i need to do..and checking on me and everything..and i swear its like she thinkgs im going to die or something you know...but in general i just have not been feeling great..and im now on so much medicine and nothing is working out right now..my depression is still really bad you know..and now add in all sorts of other medical issues and i just feel so very miserable..

now today..the sick feeling has come and gone you know...sometimes i feel ok and then a head ache starts in and just refuses to let go and i cant think and just want to go home and i cant deal with anything you know..supervisor says take it easy...head says get up and go to work ... cant not work..but im going to try to take it easy..at least for this week...i need to regroup..build up some strength or something..im all out of my reserves of dealing with stuff and needing to be on top of stuff...it makes me tired..it makes me sad and frustrated and upset..and i feel like i cant deal..but at the same time i know that i just have to much going on to not talk care of myself..and thats one of the problems..i just dont know how to take care of myself :(  right now i so very much want comfort and caring and support and i guess im just not getting it..i dont know..

and well now on to my super duper mind numbing concern of the day....i found out that my 16yr old niece is pregnant..and that her mom wants nothing to do with her or the baby..the 16yr old has a doc appt tomorrow and i guess ill find out from mommy how that goes...but at the same time the obsessed person in me completely wants to adopt the baby if she has the baby...gosh ive almost got the whole thing worked out in my head you know lol...i want the baby..i want to help the kid..but am i biting off more than i can chew???  i seriously jumped the gun with this one and was like yes i will take the baby if she has it.  this is a very immature 16yr old and i really wonder at her ability to take care of a baby..she is still a baby..what is she going to do ?? am i wrong for wanting to help the baby? does that make me selfish and self absorbed?? am i just looking out for my own interest?? and the major major question that i dont want to ask myself and what i am trying so hard to avoid asking myself..is can i handle a baby? a living breathing this is now my child sorta baby.  you know there can be no returns..no give backs...what will i do with a baby? what will i do with work ? and no savings and not a lot of support? can i handle a baby with the way my mood goes up and down?  im not stable on my meds right now..im not stable financially..heck im just in general tottering on the edge of a break down and yet i am seriously considering this..maybe it is just that i so very much want to feel loved .. i want to be needed..i want to be important..i want to take care of a child and call her my own..but is it the right choice?? would the better thing be to support the mom and help her get situated to raise her baby..without a stable place to live this 16yr old is looking at some major things you know..she is bringing a baby into the world that she can not support...i dont know..maybe i just need to think about it more..figure it out more..i want to make the right choice..but am i willing to make the sacrifice to have a baby..to raise a baby...do i have it in me to be a real true parent??  i guess that is the question...and i dont have an answer for it yet..i really dont..

todays collages

feeling ignored...

today.this week...since my birthday..i have been feeling really ignored and i dont know why...i hate attention you know..but this week its like i want everyones attention..i want to feel special..important..something..anything..and instead i feel ignored..forgotten..lots, empty, confused .. im not feeling happy or positive today at all..and i dont understand how to deal with the feelings...i really want to cut..take out my sadness and frustration on myself..i do want too... im trying to stay busy with other stuff..im working on collages but i dont have the right pictures or words to really get out all of my feelings..when i get paid next week im going to have to see about getting some different magazines ... i just need to get out my feelings...one way or another it will happen...guess it just depends...but maybe ill go and take a nap or something soon..but for now..ill go back to working on collages...maybe it will help.

sometimes...

sometimes i just feel invisible..and no matter how hard i try i cant get seem to fit in..or be heard..or be seen....sometimes i just wonder why i cant be more screwed up..why cant i demand attention and support..what is wrong with me?? im not well enough to stay stable on a weekly basis..but im not screwed up enough to stay in constant crisis...i dont understand :(   guess im just feeling majorly sorry for myself tonight..

head is major full tonight

wow my head is going a million miles a minute tonight.  seriously there is just a lot on my mind and im thinking about so many different things and so much stuff and im not sleepy at all..im actually fairly bored right now..but so many thoughts nad ideas are in my head..i want to get up and do something but there is nothing to do..im glad my birthday is over you know. i think i prefer celebrating on non birthday days..im weird like that.  i went to work today and my morning person had gotten me a little gift and i do like it alot and i told her she didnt have to get me anything at all..but she did..and it was sweet and i almost wanted to hug her ..but well im not big on hugs and all of that..but i told her lots that i liked it and appreciated her thinking of me.  and then i went to work and saw like 4 ppl today...i was so hot today though..like major rushing stressed hot..i thought i was overheating i was sweating so bad..and then my stupid air conditioner in the car is not working again and keeps cutting out and its making me mad..and i know i need to do like a million things with my car but now im all broke till i get paid again and then i gots to pay bills and you know all of that stuff..and i hate paying bills i do..i really do..and t is next week and i dont have the money for her..but i will at the end of the week i think..and i gotta do lots of paperwork this weekend and what not..and i hate the weekends you know. there is just nothing to do..i think maybe ill go to the library on saturday and work on paperwork some you know..so i dont sit in the house all day.  you know i talked to mommy yesterday for my birthday nd she like told me all the stuff i needed to work on and what not and i wanted to just tell her to leave me alone. i think i stopped listening after a while and just kept saying ok until she hung up. was that mean?  i hope i wasnt mean? i dont like being mean at all..you know i have 2 trips to plan for.  in oct and nov. and im getting my train ticket next week. and then next month i gotta figure out all the new orleans stuff.. im pretty excited about those trips...im not as excited about thanksgiving and christmas though..the holidays makes me sad..they do..i dont like them to much. i really dont. and then the year is almost over you know. already. its went by really super fast and i wonder what ive done with it...i think its been an ok year you know...not horrible not the best..but i am working and managing and well trying to manage anyway.  i want to do more fun stuff..get out of the house more. not isolate so very much.  im very much focused on my new two year plan...by the time im 30 i want a baby. and well it will most likely be through adoption or surrogacy but i do so want a baby. a family of my own.  so i guess that means i have two years to get my act together .. to act like an adult. to be an adult.  to get a better handle on my life. yeah thats my goals. well one of them. im losing a client next week..and getting a new one.  ill still have a full case load..you know now that its getting to be the holidays im gonna need to get in more hours at work. yeah..shopping and all of that..and i do sorta want a butt load of stuff..what can i say..i fully admit to being materialistic..i do..i just want and want and want and dont care how i go about getting it...blah..silly stuff..bad choices..you know the same old stuff..but im not cutting..does that count for something ??

sigh of relief...

there is a sense of relief...the birthay being over...it was an okay day.  not horribly stressful.  didnt do much but that is ok because we know we will be able to do little things for the birthday for a while longer.  did go to chilis though for dinner..and got cupcakes and ice cream.  a small little party for me ..like well me and uh me lol. but its ok.  glad i took the day off  from work though. did get to sleep in ..but looking at all the time ill have to make up for tomorrow is a bit daunting..but it will get done ..and then friday ill be going out with a friend..that should be interesting. but hmm getting sleepy so guess im going to lay down...oh and i actually made up my bed tonight!  ttook forever lol.

yikes

holy hell my birthday is wed!!  ill actually be turning 28 ?!?!  craziness ...yep pure and simple craziness

sometimes i just dont seem to fit in :(

yes i know i have lots of trouble with talking and relating to people my own age..is it patheric that i prefer the company of children? or the company of someone who is older than me?  i dont seem to fit in no matter how hard i try with people my own age.  and i relate even less to men my age. i feel safer around people that i know have no interest in me what so ever..and i just i dont know..i dont know what i need to do to make myself fit in any better..i dont know what its so hard for me to just talk and have fun without worrying ..without struggling so darn much..

even online i struggle with fitting it..i try to be nice and helpful and everything and its like im ignored..and then i feel stupid for trying..and i still wonder what is so wrong with me..why do i still have to struggle so much..why cant i talk and share and be more trusting?  ok well really there are times and well ppl i have run into online that just make me really question and doubt what is being said..but again that is a personal thing you know..but just in general its like i try and get nothing in return..maybe i dont want it bad enough..maybe i am not doing something right..i dont understand..maybe i am destined to just be alone..to just always be alone..

sometimes i wonder what it would be like..to be loved..to be desired..wanted in some way..i wonder what it would feel like to be hugged, to be kissed and not be afraid..i want to be loved but i dont feel i deserve it at all..i want to be touched but i dont believe anyone would want me and my ruined body..who can be there for me..and understand why i have done what ive done..and still desire me?  i guess i have messed things up for myself ..and ill be alone...

i have a two year plan though..for a child..not a husband..or a boyfriend or anything like that..i want a baby..and i have someone who will carry my baby for me..i want a baby..i want some to love..to love me and have me love them..i want to just feel important..needed..wanted..and with all of my own girl issues and all of that im not even sure i can carry a child..and well the idea of being pregnant is slightly really nauseating..but the surrogate thing would work..i can have my own eggs fertilized and have them put in someone else..and then i can be there to help and support and all of that..im not sure i can handle being pregnant..

there is a lot going on in my head tonight..im upset because i thought i had a friend..and now just like with anyone else..mommy has won her over..mommy has taken her and gotten her to believe that mommy is great and wonderful..and that i am the one that is so messed up..i feel messed up though..but again i feel that i have to be careful what i say..how i act..i cant be myself..im guarded again...very very guarded :( and i hate that..but i cant have someone relating information back to mommy..i just cant..

some days i just feel that my differences are to many to tackle and that there is not enough time in the world to get a handle on them.  and i am alone..just alone with my head..and im not sure that is a really good thing..

deep inside my secrets ..are just more secrets.

the topic of well a lot of stuff came up in therapy on tuesday..and i do think i got really scared at one point and started to completely shut my head off to avoid talking about stuff..sometimes i cant explain and get scared and then i cant explain even more. although i did finally get around to asking if we could talk about something else. shoot even that was hard. but i was feeling incredibly just not connected and needed to stop the subject. its like just getting so floaty and stuck and my head feels like its just stuffed full of cotton and it takes so long to think and piece things together and make sense.  being scared stinks :( mind stopping fear stinks even worse. ugh. sometimes its just hard to break through all of my old thinking..i still have to get past the need to defend what happened, the blame, the guilt, denial, fear, crap..by the time i get myself in a place to tlak about it then its time to go! yeah..great benefits of therapy there. i mean i know i have to do the work although i do try hard to aviod it, but i do talk more now..little bits and pieces at a time. i have to keep myself calm and sometimes that doesnt work..calm gives way to fear and well fear stops me cold..i swear it would be easier to give up like every drug in the world over talking about my past...and so yeah i couldnt go there during this past session..i did a little bit before in the session before that though..but this time we talked about mommy an awful lot..and well i say it was an awful lot but it prolly wasnt that much..but well me and my relationship with talking is still pretty low..so yeah..big deal all we talked about..and even now i am working my way around the topic instead of just diving into and figuring out what it is about the talk that is bothering me so very much..something is bothering and im just not sure what it is..umm well we talked about my fear of men and relationships..and that was the conversation that i had to stop because i got way to scared and lost. i dont know.  tallked about work a little bit.and my lack of motivation with showing up to work and doing my work..that is a royal pain in the butt..but then we talked about mommy and i dont remember how the conversation started ..its just some how we were talking about mommy.  mommy has a lot of control over me..and being away from home helps a little bit with that..but then going home just destroys it..and it takes forever for me to feel like i am ok again after going home and being at home.  i still argue with myself about going home and having to listen and having to ask permission for stuff...i say i want someone to just tell me what to do at times..but i hate hate hate mommy telling me what to do or what to say or how to act.  linda said that mommy and her behaviors towards me are inappropriate and that there are no boundaries and that what mommy does and says is just wrong and unsupportive..and it makes me think of old stuff..it makes me remember all the times that mommy has told me i am bad or stupid or selfish..all the times she told me that she gets me mad because then she knows ill do what she says..she knows ill shut up..and mommy did tell me that i was to selfish to ever get married..while at the same time telling me that i need to date..that i need to talk more..that i need to learn how to talk to men and all of that..and it is embarrassing and it all does upset me..and makes me wonder why it is that i cant be like everyone else..and why it is that i am the one stuck struggling with all of this mess and cant seem to get a handle on any of it..i dont want to date..i dont want to be touched ever and i guess i dont feel like i have enough love in me for anyone else..its not like i have extra laying around somewhere..i dont have enough for myself..so why would i bother with figuring out how to give some to someone else..no i like being around ppl that i know what nothing from me..i like being around ppl who already have boyfriends or girlfriends or they are married..or what ever it is that means that belong to someone else..and so i will be left alone..the thought of having someone in my bed..like umm ..no not happening..but back to mommy..mommy uses everything i do and say against me..and when i was younger i tried hard not to say anything to her..but then i was always in trouble for something and well she talked to me alot..she yelled at me alot..she hit me alot..writing this does make me want to cut. a lot.  there are just too many things in my head right now and so much that i am thinking and trying to write and its getting all jumbled up..and makes me feel really anxious...i dont know what i want from mommy..i know that i still try to do what she tells me to because i want her to like me..to love me..and at the same time i dont want anything from her.  but im stuck to her. i try to stand up for myself and get told to stop..get told to stop being selfish..get told that she is mommy and that im supposed to tell her stuff and do stuff for her..for a long time i questioned why she just didnt give me back if i was such a bad person..such a bad kid..she was paid to keep me..and now its like i have to pay her back for everything she ever did for me..im still afraid of mommy ..and im still afraid of being hit..i hate when she just sits and watches me..i hate doing anything around her..and almost any conversation makes me feel ganged up on..like i have to defend myself and what i do..but things are always my fault..its my fault about my car..its my fault about everything..linda says mommy has brainwashed me..and i guess i do understand where that comes from..because its as if no matter how much i fight it she is always there..i used to be scared that she would just show up randomly to check on me..ive stopped that one mostly..but i do get scared that she will just turn up some days..and i feel guilty and ashamed of myself for even feeling guilty..how is it possible to like myself when i have mommy always telling me what i need to change about my self..telling me who i should be more like..ive never been enough..not for her..and so im not enough for me either..ive gone out of my way to destroy myself..and i havent stopped..its just changed a bit..because ive learned old habits dont really die..they just get hidden..and my desire to die really hasnt gone any where..its just a little farther away..im more afraid of trying to kill myself and mommy finding out and being so so mad at me..thats what scares me..the fact that i want to die does not scare me anymore because i dont care..and all i do is wonder why it is that no one seems to understand just how much it is that i dont like myself..im a bad person but i just get so stuck trying to explain why..im just bad..awful ..stupid.whatever. there is nothing worth loving in me at all..and maybe that is why mommy is so intent on making me be someone else.. why cant i just be someone else..have someone elses life..and give up my poor pathetic existence?  everyone would be happy then right ? i guess mommy taught me well...i dont need her to beat me up..i do it without any help..and im awfully good at it..i already know what hurts my feelings and i know how to be mean to myself and still be as nice and supportive to someone else..there is nothing left for me to give myself..there isnt. sometimes im just tired of trying at all..tired of having to convince myself that i am worth something..that i am okay..but its all lies..im just wasting my time lying to myself and just i dont know. guess im a bit depressed tonight..sleep may be a good idea...

sometimes its the small stuff thats worth it!

so i was out to lunch today with my client..and well we went to golden corral..buffet type place..and i waqs wondering around looking at everything ..


and

VIOLA
there was a CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!

omg it was so awesome and i had chocolate covered pineapples and strawberrys and you got to make them yourself!  it was great..and really side cause me to feel super excited and happy this afternoon.

really not sure

this weekend has been pretty bad head wise. like i just cant seem to get a grip and my birthday is edging  closer and i realize that i will be alone for my birthday.  just another day really you know. nothing speicial. nothing important.  and i know people have there own lives and there own stuff. but it just sorta feels like im at the bottom of everyones list and no one has time to do anything with me. i dont know. i guess in my head i know thats not a fair assesment of the situations. but i guess thats just how i feel and that makes me feel even more depressed. and i did see the new pdoc  and what not on friday. and my meds changed a little bit. and im not sure how that is working out.  i had to lessen the lexapro and up the effexor.  and i feel out of balance. hard to explain..and just feeling sick and crappy and you know the world sucks and i hate everything type mood.

but its monday and that means ive got to get my work done that i havent finished and rush around to find a couple clients..and then  squeeze in lunch with a friend and staff meeting this evening. mondays are just way to busy for me..and well me not doing my work ahead of time just makes it so so soooooooo much worse...ugh.

well gotta go .. who knows maybe ill be a bit more upbeat later on.

i am no ones keeper

I AM NOT ANYONES KEEPER. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FREAKING SELF AND WELL MY CATS. THATS IT. JUST BECAUSE I TOOK SOMEONE FREAKING HOME DOES NOT MEANS I THAT AM RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING TRACK OF THEM EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF EVERY FREAKING DAY.

im frustrated ..and upset and just not in a good space at all right now.  i dont like it being implied that im supposed to know what someone else is doing every second of every day.  now i remember ehy it is im always so careful about mommy and telling her that i am hanging out with anyone.  last time i checked my friend was a grown adult and able to take care of herself without my help before she met me. so why should it be any different now???!!  why is it that suddenly everyone is concerned because she cant be reached and im being called like i have tabs on her. like i know what she is doing with her day. wtf i dont know where she is at and im sorry you cant get her but damnit its not my responsibility at all. and i have to remember that.  it makes me mad becuase mommy is doing her usual thing fishing for information and im refusing to give any..and so once again i feel like im lying to mommy just to cover my own self. but i hate being questioned. i hate feeling like a total stranger came walk into our house and be liked more than me. be valued more than me. be supported and talked to and helped. and i just sit there and listen and hear and its like really ?!  what does she have that i dont?  what is it about me that makes me just so unlikeable..unloveable. not needed for anything or anyone . and its not fair and i guess that makes me sound incredibly patheitc and childish. im jealous. i am. because i dont know whats wrong with me.

if i died would anyone freakin notice. its like i really do need a flashing sign above my head that demands i get noticed. that demands for someone to talk to me.  to see me. to just realize that i am infact alive. but no. im not good enough for that. i never have been and i most certainly should know better than to expect any differently.

not with it this week

this week is just really messing me up the holiday and going home has really thrown me off..and we are just struggling..and i know that struggling right now is to be expected because of going home..and that means that mommy is going over board with the 'you need to change blah blah blah stuff' ..she actually told me today that i needed to starve and asked if i was going to starve because i ate so much at home and that i must have over done it :(..i didnt think i had over done it..but maybe i did..but it just leads to all sorts of out of control eating and thinking and everything..i dont know..i know its stupid to be so dependent on someone else and so easily controlled by someone else..but mommy just gets to me..and its so easy for her..and just 3 days home has been feeling completely off and messed up and i dont know...just not doing so great right now...

the stormy weather is stinky and making me feel super nervous..im hoping the power does not go out...

when i came home earlier i dont know really what happened..it was one of those i think i napped days but im not sure..just zoned out and laid down...i really dont know..

head is just not okay today..

crap

it would be nice if i could get it together and actually get my freaking work done...crap crap crap..im jsut not with it this week at all :( :(

mood swings and anxiety

On days when you don’t have a thought in your head—when you’re not up, but you’re not down, you simply ARE—go sit outside and listen to the breeze whistle through your empty places, and love the day you’re in. ~ Sandra Kring, bestselling author

just a bit of everything today.
a bit down
a bit sad
a bit quiet
a bit thoughtful
a bit overwhelmed
a bit disappointed
a bit worried
a bit frustrated
a bit tired
a bit stressed
a bit longing
a bit lonely
a bit guilty
a bit ashamed
a bit nothing
a bit everything



yeah just a bit of everything right now. its not necessarily a bad thing you know. but its just that something is not clicking right now..and i want to escape but i don't know from what..

my mind is wandering a lot today..this morning..ive been up for hours and accomplished nothing...im in a flat mood..so neutral that i cant decide whether i am happy or sad or depressed or upset..i don't know..

hurricane pic

Irene 2011

frustrated ..

i dont want to go back to being depressed..i was feeling ok the past couple days..but last night/this morning..i am feeliing sad agagin...feeling hopeless and so stuck in my situation..its stupid..im so trapped that i just dont know what to do right now..and im so unmotivated that its just crazy..i dont know what im doing right now

admit it..youve so done this !

prolly not my best idea

so between today and yesterday i watched numerous episodes of intervention and now im watching locked up abroad and creeping myself out big time ... drugs and addiction and wanting some thing so much that you can be talked into anything..that makes me afraid you know..sometimes i dont trust myself and my instincts and im always worrying that im going to just get myself into some big big big major trouble some how..that ill be talked into something and not be able to save myself you know...and its crazy..im like i watch all this stuff and its like duh i would never do this or never agree to anything like this..and i would never be addicted to drugs or need something so very bad ..is it bad not to trust myself so much?  i dont know.. im scared of my trip next year..i mean yeah im going to the majorly touristy part of mexico and that its not an issue and i wont be alone..but yeah...craptastic lol... im worrying way to far in advance ! ill have to worry about this next year..aafter i actually get my passport...essh..

well well well....

i joined weight watchers yesterday... it has been two days of eye opening horror...my eating is not healthy in the slightest..and i know i can be healthy..and i know i can eat healthy..but i dont..and its affecting me..big time...
i have a lot of  changes to work on making..a lot of choices that ill have to make..yeah..i have a long road in front of me..thats for sure

reflection....and stuff

i was doing some work stuff today..and adding up paychecks and things..and i realize that at this time last year i was thinking about how my life is ruined..how hard it would be for me to catch up and live and do anything..and this year i have a job..and i have an apartment and so much more..and i guess i can acknowledge how things have changed for me..how things have gotten better in a lot of ways..and how i am struggling in different ways...i mean mostly im still struggling to learn to manage my finances..and my depression...those are my two biggest struggles right now..but how have i improved in that time??  i have a job..and i like my job..i just got my eval and earned a raise..i live alone and am beginning to realize how to live alone..if only  i could get a handle on my head..and grow up a bit..get comfortable with myself..i dont know..i guess there has been growth but of course im afraid to acknowledge it completely..and the certain struggeles are making things seen so overwhelming and frustrating ...

im hoping that next month with my first pay check ill be bale to buy my tickets for both ny and new orleans..and then i can slowly work on the other stuff associated with those trips..gotta get the tickets though..thats the first step..and i do so much want to go..i really really do..i need to get out of dodge for a while..i really do..

Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself... ~Thich Nhat Hanh

 

The tiny seed knew that in order to grow, it needed to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the light. ~ by Sandra Kring, 

 

Simplify your thoughts, simplify your life. You can filter the thoughts dwelling in your mind and if there is any residue of resentment, sadness and insecurity--dispose immediately! - by Dodinsky

 

 

 

 

accomplished??

i took a shower today.. yay i accomplished something..


yeah pretty pathetic isnt it..

depressed

the depression is eating me alive..and i dont know how to stop it..im not even trying anymore..i want to go out and do things but i dont have the energy..instead i hide at home and do nothing but think about everything i should be doing..i feel tearful but cant cry..im tired but not sleeping..i dont know what im doing..and i dont feel like doing anything..i feel like a failure..for messing up again..i feel stupid for needing to be bailed out yet again..i cant deal with speaking to anyone right now..i dont want to see anyone..i just want to be alone..i am alone and all im thinking about is who i can talk to..but there is no one to talk to..my thoughts and feelings and all of it is just locked inside my head..inside my body.and there is nothing i can do about it..there is nothing that is going to make me feel better..and i dont know..its hard finding the words to write about how i am feeling..im back to being so unmotivated..so out of energy..i dont want to be in the world right now..i dont want to to work..i dont want to be around anyone..im tired of talking ..im tired of being..

opening a can of worms....

i have to get my birth certificate....i dont know enough information to get my birth certificate..and so im planning on going to ny in oct to get it..but its going to take a bit of planning and research and lots of phone calls prolly to even figure out if anyone can find my birth certificate...i feel so stupid..that i dont know any real information..i dont know the hospital..i dont know my birth parents names..im not even sure of who mommy put on the birth certificate..it should be so simple..just go and fill out the application and thats it..but no..i dont know anything..im not even sure of where in ny i was born..i always say brooklyn..i dont know why..we lived in queens maybe? brooklyn? im doubting myself big time..and its like i know some things but ive forgotten them..i know at one point i did know my birth parents names but ive forgotten...i knew the agency too..although at the time i dont think i realized it..but again ive forgotten it..and it leaves me feeling so stuck and on edge...

i think somehow i have finally decided to put forth the effort to see if i can locate my birth parents...i want to find out where my sister is buried also...all things that leave me feeling so alone and lost..how do i start..where do i look...what do i need to do??  its just hard having all this stuff in my head and no way to make it right ... i dont know what im doing..

i will not mess up

i realize that i am trying to mess things up for myself...with work.. like i got my eval done and everything and it was good overall..and i guess im just trying to mess it up...im uncomfortable with the good eval and so im trying to screw it up and be told that im messing up.. :(  does that even make sense ?? oh i dont know..its just all confusing and messy and not good...

beauty...no im not beautiful...

im feeling really conflicted tonight..i know that my thinking right now is really very irrational..but it makes sense to me..why does it make sense if i know it is irrational? why does it have to be tonight that i feel the need to think about control and food and all of that..i know why..im afraid of flying..not in the im afraid of heights sense..no its the stupid seats on the planes that are so small and so close together..and i want to avoid flying but in nov i have to fly..and so i think about it and worry about it ..and get afraid that i will go and like not fit into the seat or something..and that is just really embarrassing to me..well i mean my whole freaking body is an embarrassment to me..but this is a touchy subject that i just never ever talk about with anyone at all..and the fact that ive been thinking about it so very much lately..lets me know that my irrational side is winning out ... im ashamed of my ed behaviors in the past..i want to say im ashamed of them and underneath i am ashamed of them..but i guess i am also a little proud of my knowledge about nutrition..about dieting..about pills and fasting and restricting .. i know it all. i did it all..i used not eating meat twice as a way to not eat..and it worked both times..ive considered doing it a thrid time..and im not sure about it yet..im not sure i will go down that road just yet..my healthy eating can get not so good really really fast..and right now i dont want to eat at all..im fighting the urge to go and weigh myself right now for a c ouple reasons..the first of course being that it is at night and ive already eaten for the day and well duh..not good to weigh at night and so that means ill be weighing in the morning...my second is that i dont want conformation tonight about how screwed up my eating has been lately...and yeah its been a lot worse..but still major bad choices..stupid choices..overeating and binging extreme..ive even been thinking about purging and that is a really really bad idea...it hurts..and even though i can ignore the hurt..im trying really hard not to do it...my thinking is picking away at me..lessening my resolve..making me think that its ok..that i can do it.that i want to do it..and of course that its no ones business what im doing..that it doesnt matter what im doing to my body because no one cares..i cant cut..and things really feel a bit out of control ..and as much as i hate when i feel like this..its driving me to make better choices..like giving up red meat..joining weight watchers..eating more fruit..less fast food..you know the normal stuff thhat is healthy and good and makes sense..but how long before i make it all mess up and make it into an all time consuming issue..how long will it stay healthy ? how long before i figure out how to make it work for me..how long before i stop eating and go back to counting calories...ive been afraid to do that...count calories..i go for a little while and stop...and its just hurting me right ?  i mean on one hand im going pretty steadly back and forth between the same 5 pds...lose and gain and lose and gain again..stupid right..i dont know..my feelings tonight about my body and body image just arent so positive...

you know what i was thinking about the other day...ok like yesterday?  i was thinking that i am to fat to have a baby..and i really want a baby...and i even looked up info on artifical insemination..although that is super gross..but i know im not a canidate right now because i am so overweight..so of course in my convalted mind..its like ok..this is something i can work with..work on...i can lose the weight and by the time im 30  i can seriously look at having a baby...thats a little over two years away..two years to get my life in order..get my head in order..make some major changes...and that is scaary... but i dont know why i am so very hooked on babies right now..i want a baby so bad...and maybe it really is just that im feeling so lonely that i want someone to need me..to want me..to love me..that i would consider having a baby...

but again the whole sex thing is a big big major big part of that...not having sex..not being touched ever..no no no no no no...and still i crave it..i want it..i want to know what it feels like..but i dont think it will ever happen..i cant see it ever happening...i just cant...and that makes me think ill be alone for forever...

and i guess thats that...

yeah im a bit depressed tonight...

life - borrowed from facebook :)

will i ever have a family?

for some reason..the past few months...ive really truly been wanting a baby..a family of my own..not so much a husband or whatever..but a baby..a child of my own...and i guess if i want it then ill have to figure it out on my own..without a husband because that i cant deal with..but can i deal with being pregnant ? what happens if it doesnt work..what if..what if i cant deal with it..what if i cant manage it...what if im not able to deal with myself pregnant...what if my head isnt together enough to even consider bringing a baby into the world ?  oh i dont know..i really dont .. :(  but the whole thing is just an issue that is bothering me...realizing that im turning 28 this year..nad having so many ppl having babies..and knowing that i really do want a child..but i dont trust myself...

just some thoughts...

you know i realized today...that the past like year and 8 months that ive been in va is the longest that ive ever lived somewhere on my own...im not counting college..because that was a lot of going back and forth home..and im of course not looking at the times that i moved back home...but really truly this is the longest ive been in one place since i finished college...its a scary thought..i dont know why though..thinking about it does make me feel a little anxious...like ive been in one place to long...and maybe im thinking about it today because i am talking to someone about moving..but yeah i also know that i dont want to go anywhere for another year or so..for now im alright you know..i mean i have consider finding a cheaper apartment..but even that is bothersome and i dont want to pack up what little i have and move again...i really dont...

today i had some issues with controlling my mood/emotions ... i was talking with one of my clients and she brought up something that another client said about me..because they know each other and are neighbors...but she told me that my other client had mentioned my scars and said that she thought i was suicidal..and that she was hurt about not knowing about my family...and i just felt really stupid you know..oh she also mentioned that the babies daddy said he didnt want the baby left with me...really ?!?!  me??! what the hell did he think i was going to do to the baby ? i absouletly would never ever hurt a child...NEVER..what the hell is wrong with him?  but i heard all of this and felt so hurt..i felt stupid for thinking i had made a friend you know..for thinking that i had someone who truly  did like me..and wanted to spend time with me..and maybe it was my fault because i never should have let anything develop outside of the work relationship..she was my client..i worked with her and her family and i should have kept it at that..i shouldnt have gotten so comfortable and feeling like i belonged somewhere..and once again my scars are an issue..and im ashamed..im ashamed of myself..im ashamed of them...im ashamed because some people will never be able to see past the scars...they will never be able to understand the scars..and its like ill always have to hide..ill always have to deal with the looks..the wondering..the questions..the whispers..it makes me feel so very sad...and im upset about it...really upset..but im also trying hard to just let it go...i dont need to dwell on it..i found out about it..and i just have to let it go because its a work related issue that i cant confront or deal with really..so i have to just deal...and not dwell...ill just have to be a bit more careful from now on with all of that..work is for work..clients are not friends...that is that

asking for needs ...sigh

this came up in t yesterday..and left me so upset and frustrated that i told t i didnt like her...

i mentioned feeling like i have a lot of needs that arent being met and that i dont know how to get them met...like i want attention sometimes..and at those times i end up wanting it so so much and not getting knowing how to get it that i just isolate even more to find from the feelings..from the needs...i dont know how to comfort myself and i dont know how to ask for comfort or whatever the need may be...and t is like..well you have to ask because other ppl dont know..and i just couldnt wrap my head around that..asking for what i need..no no no no no ugh..feelings get to jumbled and confused with that little statement..it is hard and scary and attention seeking and bad ..because it is like asking for attention and attention is not good at all..and i dont know its just so frustrating to be trying to figure it all out...she did ask me to keep track of when i am feeling like i need something..and what it is and everything and i think i can do that..but im not so sure about taking steps to ask for anything from anyone else...

i think the huge underlying feeling is that i need a mother..well a mother figure i guess..you know someone to listen and care and give hugs and support...stufff i didnt get growing up..and now i feel to old to get it ..but that doesnt stop me from wanting it..and then i feel so so needy because i feel like i want to very much and i cant have it and so it all piles up and becomes overwhelming...i dont know

i have a lot to write about...but not today

 When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself.  When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.        Eckhart Tolle

ok so i was wrong ... i am going to write..and im really hoping that writing will clear my head a bit...right now the depression is back with a vengeance..and i hate feeling so sad and hopeless about everything.. and i guess that lately without being able to really update here ive just been keepiong things stuck in my head and there isnt a break from myself...thats all i want really..a break from myself..a break from my life...ive gotten so used to rejecting myself and my life that now when i am asked to accept myself..accept where im at in my life..and i cant do it..i am scared of doing it and so i keep finding ways to prevent it..i tell myself that im awful..i tell myself that im stupid that im hated..that im nothing..that no one cares ..and then i watch as i stay stuck..and stay suicidal and keep hurting and looking for an escape that never really comes..


ive thought about a lot of stuff today and i actually thought about just going into the hospital for a break..a real and true no one is expecting anything from me sorta break..and i know that i cant..i understand that..i really do..but the want..the need to just be away from things is so strong..i want an out .. i want to be able to just step out of my life and leave and disappear and i dont know..i just dont really know what i want..sometimes my thoughts are so conflicting..so hard to manange and organize..


right now things are just sorta hard all around..this week and the past week has been trigger city...dealing with the death of my sister...feeling so many different things and trying hard not to cut..not to give into the urge..not to have to struggle so much to voice my sadness and my despair at everything...i cant manage and i do skimp on work..i have been slacking off on work..like its currently 2 am and ive done maybe 1 complete note for tomorrow...crap 1 down what 20 or so more to go ? crap like that is going on..and as much as i want to sleep and escape again ..i just cant tonight and so ill prolly be sitting up until morning trying to focus and get it all done...i have to see the doctor or well a case manager tomorrow to do my assesment to see a pdoc..and i think the anxiety about that is keeping me up too. when im alone i just am like a walking testimony for a depression commercial..im pathetic and well that is a judgment..i judge myself..all the time..all day every day..i read on some website or somewhere that when im feeling judgmental i have to put money in a jar..i may try it..it wont hurt anything who knows...


the heat ..the weather lately is really getting to me..because i cant wear really cool stuff..and so im always hot and over heating and struggling to like just get through the days when i feel like im going to pass out..and as usual my lack of planning has left me with no food in the house..and im starving...i had cheese quesdiallas today and chicken and fruit...im so hungry..all i keep thinking about is what i want to eat and what i want to get when i get paid tomorrow ...and im also thinking about how much running around ill have to do tomorrow with clients..have i mentioned that im tired ?


i got my job eval done on friday..and i freaked out about it for a good long time..but it was finally friday and to say it was shocking would be understatement of the year..well not even the evaluation..it was tlaking to my supervisor after the eval that had me all up in the air and uncomfortable and exposed and vunerable..all feels i do not like..and its taken me all weekend to just get myself back under some order of control..some order of calming down...and i dont know..im still struggling to realize and understand that my supervisor can see through my mask..the mask that i put so much effort into keeping up..the one that i make sure i keep in place any time i am around other people..so that no one will know just how much i am hurting or how sad i am or how im plotting my death on a weekly basis.  you know all the stuff that i dont allow myself to talk about because there is no point..and she sees it..she has seen it...and i guess i better back up a bit and explain myself..i did my eval with my supervisor and more than once she had on there that i am  shy and tend to socially withdrawn in group settings..and that i avoid eye contact or look away when talking...yes things i know i do..and things that i am ashamed that i do..but i do them all the same..the issue is that i did not realize that she had noticed and picked up on it..because its not like she has talked to me about it you know..the issue of testifying in court had me admitting to her that i would panic and not be able to testify at all..and that whole thing had happened a couple weeks before..but well she laid it all out for me on the eval..and she told me that my goal will be to share more, gain confidence..etc and so on..and i was of course a bit shocked because that was like..crap crap double crap what am i going to do about it..i dont know what to do about it..i wrote some bs about working on it and becoming more assertive..and its like really ?! me..assertive ?? thats really funny in a hugely depressing way..but well yeah i had to say something..well i had to finish filling out my part and all of that..but afterwards i was still there and talking to the other lady in the office and mentioned to my supervisor that i didnt realize she noticed so much about me..and she of course said that she knew a lot about me..and that she could tell things about me just by talking to me and stuff..and that mgot my nosey self really curious..and i sat there and fought with myself to let it go..but i couldnt..i wanted to know..i needed to know what she 'thought' she knew about me..and now im kicking myself for every asking in the first place -sigh-  she told me that she could tell my story..and knew lots about me..and i asked for more..i told her that i hadnt heard enough to quiet my curiousty..and so she told me more...she talked to me about my feeling sad..she talked about me doing things that were not safe and that i looked for ways out..for escapes..she talked to me about my feeling helpless, hopeless, she talked about me isolateing myself, about my feeling lonely..she told me that sometimes i looked so sad that she just wanted to give me a hug..and she talked about the talk she had given me the other week about angry and letting go of blame and triggers..and during that conversation i did feel like she was talking to me directly..well she told me on friday that she had been talking to me directly..that she felt i needed to hear what she said..she asked me if i wanted her to say the a word..and my in my infinite wisdom stupidly asked her what a word..and she just looked at me..and i was of course thinking and trying to figure out what the heck she was talking about..and then i got it..the a word..abuse.. i told her no..i told her not to say that...instead she told me that i had been hurt..that i wasnt protected as a kid and got hurt..she talked more about letting go of the blame and blaming myself..she told me that although she could see through my mask she was pretty sure that not many other ppl could see through it...i told her that i did work hard to make sure that part of myself was not seen or noticed..and she agreed that my mask was a good one..she told me that things were going to get better for me..she said they were already starting to get better..i sat and listened to her..and wondered how she knew all of this..ive never talked to her about any of it..ive never menetioned any of this in her presence..with my old supervisor i did talk about the cutting a little bit..and well the rest she just sorta put together..but i knew she knew things..with this supervisor it was like a wall popping up in front of me out of no where..and i slammed right smack into it..and i havent been able to get past the wall...the most unnerving thing is that my supervisor told me that she could see me..as a kid..she told me that i was about 5 or 6..and that i was just crying and crying and crying..and that i was at a window but looking down..she started to tell me what i was wearing...how can she know that..how can she see me when i cant even see me?  when i cant rememeber much of anything from back then..how can i tell her shes wrong when i dont have the slightest idea?  that was the most unnerving thing..i mean the whole entire thing sorta left me speechless and unable to process..it was like my head just scattered into a million different pieces and i couldnt get myself back together..there were so many feelings and thoughts and all of it was just crowding on me and i couldnt hold on to any of it..i left her wanting to be comforted in the worst way and knowing of no way to get any sort of comfort..i was to rattled for real comfort but the need was there..i managed to send heather a message..and got a little validation..but its hard when i cant remeber everything and its all mixed up and confused and im not feeling so connected with myself..it took a long time to stop feeling so out of sorts and more contained and able to refocus my energy...before i left my supervisor i told her that i had a question for her but that i didnt know if i wanted to ask her...she told me to think about it and that i could ask her next week..so i told her okay..except my question is dealing with cutting and for whatever reason i need to know whether or not she knows about the cutting...and maybe its just that i need the confirmation that she knows about the cutting..and that not knowing and wondering is not helping my anxiety...how can i just sit down and ask her though..how can i tell her that i cut..that i have cut..that i do cut..my 2nd greatest shame is my cutting..and my scars..my 1st greastest is the whole binging and purging that happens at times..but that i dont talk about at all..but the cutting...the cutting i will talk about a little bit..and i guess on one hand im hoping she doesnt know..but at the same time i know i must really be kidding myself to think that she doesnt know..really stupid of me ..but i have to ask her some how..and i realize now that my supervisor has never given me a hug..but she has done like the arm touch/rub like when she is walking by me and stuff..and she always manages to touch my upper arm...i can touch my upper arm and realize what it is that i am feeling..and i am assuming she can too..and i guess i just always hoped that she couldnt..and it doesnt happen often or anything..just every once in a while..but she has touched the scars..but not seen the bulk of them..becuase i always try to keep my upper arms and what not covered...i slack off sometimes on the ones on my chest..sometimes it is just hard having to hide them..and keep them hidden..i cant accept what i dont acknowledge..and most of the time i do not acknowledge my scars..in the heat wave though i do hate them..i hate them i hate them.i hate them..my anxiety is up big time lately..and im picking..at everything..im picking at my face..im picking at old scars..im picking at bug bites..anything that i can pick i am..and im making sores and what not..but i cant seem to get myself to stop..at least this weekend my fingers are not picked to shreds..mainly because ive cut my nails and i cant get at some areas..but earlier this week my fingers were a mess...i try to stop i really do but i just keep picking..and then i get nervous about picking and it just gets worse not better..and i know better...i know better than to pick at my face..i know better than to mess with some areas and right now its like my nervousness and anxiety is just not manageable i guess and so im picking..a lot ...


i did finally clean my apartment..like vacummed and everything today..only because the cable person was coming and i wasnt ok with them being here and my apartment looking like a mess..so i made myself get up and clean..and i did..and its nice actually having my bed made up for once in like 3 months..clean sheets and everything..shocking i know..but  i look at it..what i cleaned and i just see how i could have done a better job..how i could have just really finished..and got to every little thing..and so ive failed at it..once again..ive messed up and screwed up and im just a failure right now..major failure at just about everything..life..work..life..


one of the questions that i have to ask when i do the client intakes is what are some things you struggle with...i asked a client that last week and her response was life..at the time i told her that i couldnt put that..and asked her for something else..and she wouldnt change her answer..but i was just thinking about how much that is what is going on for me right now...im struggling with life..im struggling to manage my life..im just struggling in general and almost feel like a drug addict trying to find my next fix..you know im trying so very hard not to give in and break apart a razor just for the blades..i hate doing that...that makes me feel incredibly crazy and out of sorts..like i really have sunk to some horrible level to have to break something apart just for a few mintues of release...but it would be a nice few minutes of release..but i cant give in..i hope i dont give in .. ive already ruined my body so what will it hurt to finish ruining it..


writing all of this really does make me wonder if i am managing as well as i like to think im managing..im getting up and going to work most days..there have been some days when i cant deal with leaving my apartment and have to stay put..there are days when i know i am not reacint well and come home early and just skip out on going to work..most days i have to force myself to stay out and finish working because if i come home before im done i wont finish..i wont go back out..


sometimes i dont think i can be helped..i cant be saved..i cant be fixed..im not worth it..i have to much stuck in my head to get through..theres no time..ive run out of time..i did what i could and now i am give up..that would be nice..giving up would give me a break from caring..


but well i guess im done writing for tonight..my head is feeling a bit emptier..so i guess its time to get back to paperwork...it will be morning technically really soon.