a lot of thinking...

i am feeling very sorry for myself today...i dont know..just not feeling good at all...woke up this morning and couldnt open my eye..which freaked me out cas of course my first thought is pink eye..and then i had freaked myself out so much that i was afraid to even go and look in the mirror and see if it was truly pink eye..and my eye isnt pink.but it hurts and its been itching which i didnt catch on to yesterday..and its swollen and sore and well the whole nine yards..ugh..still have a headache and just kinda in general feeling crummy...and that drives my want to do anything down majorly..and theres so much i have to do today...so im gonna set up away from my bed cas if i lay down im just gonna wanna sleep..and i cant do that..but im not sure about driving either when my eye is all screwed up..and yeah..just feeling crummy..have i said that. ?

ugh..i just want to lay down and sleep..and im not even sleepy..i just want to lay down then...lots of back and forth head wise..yesterday and today..focus is down the drain big time...im not sure what to do about next week at all...cas i get paid next week and just thinking about all i have to get down is killing me..well not killing me but just overwhelming me some..i have work..and well paperwork..staff meetings and supervision...hpi classes..and clients...t and pdoc..i get paid this week and for the love of all things good i hope it is on time..i have bills and tickets and i need tires and i just need right now...christmas and gifts and all that aside..i have things to pay..and it frustrates me worrying so much about my paycheck..but also means i need to get things in on time this week and not mess around..so that i can be paid and nothing is held ... im disappointed in myself big time right now..i really am..and instead of making it better..im just making it worse.. (yep very deep in my pity party right now)

i got an email back from my coworker about the other job..and it would be a m-f 3 to 11 type deal...and i really am considering it..i want to email her and ask a few more questions before deciding if i want to do the interview...cas if it is a steady 40 hours..then i would rather do that..and just have one job..but also that would be a pay cut..like hour wise..but less paperwork in the end..and i could possibly keep my preschoolers...but i have to figure out what questions i need to ask before emailing her back...

there are also 2 christmas parties next week...one friday afternoon..and one saturday evening... nervous about those big time..but its more just the crowds and being so many people..and ill just be staying long enough to make an appearance i guess..cas i get so nervous and wont know a lot of the people there...the friday one is a lunch thing and we are doing secret santa and all that..and ill have to buy a gift..and all of that..and i have to bring a small food thing..which ive already picked and all of that..so i think that will be ok...the saturday one is more of a worry cas it is like a bigger deal..its like at a hotel and will be like a meal and awards and all of that type stuff..and that just makes me more nervous cas i dont know what to expect...but thats that..

and then this week coming up is the last week kids are in school..and so ill be able to see clients earlier in the day and maybe not being out so late at night will be a good thing..well i know it will be a good thing..coming in a 9 at night is tiresome..big time..so im looking forward to the time inbetween christmas and new years..but the downside is less hours of course..but right now i just want the break...i need the break...

im freaking out about one of my clients..and the anxiety about him is getting more and more upsetting...he is a foster kid and the family he is with is unable to keep him...i keep wanting to say that they dont want him..and i keep having a hard time looking at the big picture and realizing that there is a lot more to it than just wanting him...but its bothering me a lot..and i feel so sad because its the holidays and he is possibly going to be moved to a new family any day now..and i may or may not be able to keep seeing him if he is moved to far away..:( he doesnt know its even coming..and his family has not told him..but i think he knows something is up...its christmas and he hasnt asked for a single gift...he has to be so anxious and scared right now...and i dont know how to ease his fears at all...i wish his family would just tell him so that it would be out in the open and i could work with him and help him deal with it..but im not the one to tell him and so i have to keep avoiding the issue but still imply and ask him questions about what if this placement doesnt work out...its heart breaking and makes me feel so awful and upset..cas i guess in some ways i was lucky..i just had one family that i was adopted into and i wasnt moved in the system a million times...no not the greatest of childhoods but i was in one place..i had stuff..i had a family..well i have a family..good or bad..they are fairly consistent you know...and this kid has been in 6 houses..and none worked..he has been abused majorly..and he still isnt in a stable and safe place ..and i dont know how to make it better for him at all..i look at him and see how things could have been for me if i had been moved over and over again in the foster care system..some of the girls i was with in the residential setting had been moved around a lot to..and its hard working with them and knowing that there is a chance that they will be in the system and not be adopted and turn 18 and be left on there own..it is hard..and makes me feel very very sad....maybe that is part of what is driving some of my depression lately...i mean besides my own holiday crap..and stress with work and all that other stuff..i think its just that my clients situations are getting to me..and its hard to add on to my own stuff...and i keep thinking i need to fix things for them..i need to make things better...and i cant..i dont know how..my job has limits..and im learning them now it seems

major issues with the holidays and expectations and my sister..its always worse with the holidays and birthdays..cas she is not here and no one even talks about her..and its like shes been forgotten..and we forget sometimes too and try not to..really do..and its hard..and i feel so guilty and upset for forgetting her..but i dont remember her..if there wasnt this huge empty feeling..im not sure i would even know she had been there in the first place...shes the part of the past that will never be laid to rest i guess...

im sad..about everything..about nothing..i always hope that this year will be the year that i can be happy for the christmas..that i wont be walking around with a rain cloud over my head just drowning everything out..but it doesnt change...there is no joy in seeing the christmas lights or giving presents...im to selfish and greedy when it comes to presents..and i want and want and want..i give to..and i like giving presents..i like doing nice things for people..i like making other people happy..but underneath it all..i want everything..i want to be the center of attention..i want everyone to notice me and love me..and want to make me happy ... the outer quiet content girl is the biggest mask ever.. i do things and ask for nothing in return..i can accept the worst situation and be as supportive as i can .. i can do anything that is asked of me and then some...and still at the drop of a hat i can turn something so small into jealously or guilt ..or something that is mean and unfair and rude..i know i have learned from growing up that i should want more..that more is better...that there is always a way to get something else ..something better..ive been told lately that i live above my means..and i do..i cant deny it..cas i do..and i know my impulses when it comes to buying and money and gifts and stuff ..is way into like danger zone almost all the time...but i dont know how to change it..telling myself no doesnt do anything...and i feel bad for wanting all the time..for needing all the time...although this year i think the wanting and needing is coming out in that i need comfort from other people..i want safety and love from other people..and those needs are being filled either..and it just keeps me sad and frustrated...im not over the supervisor/mommy issue..not at all..and her not being in the office is hard to deal with..and when she is in the office once a week...you know the need to see her and be around her is so strong and overwhelming..and i think she understands a small part of it..but not all of it..and the urge to be with her is overwhelming some days...just needing to see her and talk to her..and let her be a comfort is overwhelming..i saw her last week for a little bit..but didnt get the chance to sit down and talk to her or anything..she did rub my back in passing..but even that isnt enough...is my emotional development that low? its like i need to start way at the beginning with just the basic comforts and needs and having them filled..i wonder how i was comforted as a baby..as a toddler..all those years when touch was so so very important..and i wonder if i had any of it...and realistically i have to wonder if my needs were put on the back burner because my sisters needs were greater..she was the one in and out of hospitals..and i wasnt..i was healthy and so i was left to others to take care of me..and maybe i wasnt given the attention i needed...i wasnt given enough love and touch and comfort..and i manged with out it..i grew up hating being touched for lots of reasons..but now its that i want it and cant have it..and i dont know how to give it to myself..not at the level i need...i cant do it..i dont know how..and i dont want it from me anyway..i want it from someone else.i want it from a mommy..but not my mommy..cas she isnt a comforting person..there is to much fear to get any comfort from her..and i feel so stupid for needing it so much...for wanting it and not being able to have it...and i have to be so strong and so adult all the time..i can comfort kids..i can comfort my clients..i can be supportive and listen and care to anyone else..but i cant seem to do it with myself..i cant reach that level of caring or concern with myself..and i stay stuck...i stay in this middle ground where im not sure where to go or what to do..and its causing my feelings to become very displaced and unstable..ive attaching to adults around me in the ..umm..well in unhealthy ways... and then when the feelings are given back to me ..i feel broken and unneeded..unloved..like there is something so very wrong with me..and that i cant be loved because i am just so screwed up...and then silence takes over..and i dont want to be noticed..i get so stuck inside of myself..and i just watch..and want and dont say anything at all..i dont want to be acknowledged for anything..i just want to slip through the cracks..i just want to get by..and exist ..and in a way just go back to disappearing..because being noticed is more painful now..i cant find the middle ground..and i want all of it or nothing..i cant see shades of gray as linda tells me...and i end up just messing things up and hiding away from what i have caused to happen...i have to restrain myself even now from calling my supervisor because i dont know what to tell her or what to say to her..or even explain any of my feelings right now..there is to much that i am feeling right now...and i dont know what to do with the feelings..and so im just writing and writing and hoping that some of the sadness will go away..but i dont know if it will go away now..its like wake up the old stuff and its just wont go away any more..there is to much to get through and figure out..to many feelings that have been ignored and boxed away..and now they are getting out and i cant push them away as well as i could before..i cant ignore all of them and shut down like before..and i wish i could..i wish i hadnt started in therapy or with the meds..i was upset yesterday that i couldnt feel suicidal anymore ..well currently cas the meds stop me from getting to that point..im not walking that fine line between life and death anymore and that upsets me..why would it upset me? i should be happy about that..and im not..i should accept that i am not suicidal and i cant..i should accept that maybe the meds and the therapy is helping and i dont want to..i want to find something wrong with all of it..i want to have a reason to stop..to call it quits ..to keep myself stuck in this messed up cycle of my life that i havent managed to get out of yet..linda says ive made process..my supervisors tell me that i am right where i need to be right now..wcen without knowing all that has gone on...and im the one that like no..nothing is better..nothing is changed..i dont know who you are talking about because it is not me..ive done nothing good..nothing worth praising.. all i have done is mess up..over and over..i destroyed everything..and now i cant even manage to get myself out of this hole that im stuck in..i keep pushing myself backwards..cas im afraid to come out..im afraid to face anything these days..and i start to try and just get scared and refuse ..or pretend..or ignore..what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to fix myself when some days im not even sure i want to be fixed..im not sure i can be fixed..or if linda and everyone is just wasting there time and energy on me and im not getting better.. im just drifting along..struggling..always struggling..and smiling..and i hate anyone who tells me to just cheer up...its christmas your supposed to be happy and giving and selfless and oh so cheerful...and it bothers me..it upsets me that the expectation is to be constantly happy..and to constantly give ... i already give..every single day that i have to go to work i g ive of myself..i dont have anything left to give anymore..im empty and just broken these days..thats what it feels like..im to embarrassed to accept anything ..to accept any compliment..i dont want thanks or praise..or anything..and i really have the be the most major hypocrite that i know...i say i want it..i say i dont want it..i say i need it..but i wont accept it..i just confuse myself..i dont know what i want..christmas is less than two weeks away now i think..and i feel nothing except nervousness about it..i just want the holidays to be over with...i really do.. i want to be happier..i do..i want to go home and not have mommy tell me what is wrong with me..or what i need to change about myself...last time it was oh you look like you have lost a little weight...it would be better if you stopped eating this this and this...or well now that you are losing weight you need to work on your skin and clearing it up so i want you to use this product now..and ive spent this amount of money on it so you better use it..ill go home at christmas and hear the same stuff...see the same look of disapproval and disgust that she has for me..and then smile and thank her for the gifts that she gives me..or how much she has done for me...while being lectured on what i need to be doing..when am i going back to grad school..have i found another job..what you only have two? i think you can handle another job..dont forget about all that i loaned you..i was excepting to have been paid back now..:( in other words..yes i suck yes im stupid and worthless and im sorry for needing so much from you and not being able to pay it back..yes ill stop eating and do whatever it is that you want me to do because i dont do enough...yes ill drop everything that im doing inorder to get you what you want from me..yes ..yes ..yes..that all she hears...yes..and thats all i say...i try no and it doesnt work..i would have a better chance of like getting a wall to move before mommy accepts a no from me...i try to hide the sadness but it still comes out...its sstill noticeable..at work..in therapy..everywhere..i just dont really know what to do with myself..

at home when my brothers and sister aare there..like around the holidays..and we talk about stuff that happened before..little things you know..that we did as kids..and i dont remember...i cant join in because most of the time i have no idea what they are talking about..they can tell all the silly stories..all the funny stuff we did as kids..and i dont remember them...i mean sometimes something they say will cas a little spark of something ..like what i think i did do that..or i was there when we did that...but i cant tell any stories like they can..i dont know any..i just sit and listen and laugh..cas im supposed to..not cas i have any idea of what they are saying..

i am on this message board that is really messing with my head..and i realize that the logical thing to do is to delete the membership..but that makes me feel guilty...i dont really post but i read alot..and i dont know..i have so many questions and doubts related to the board..but who am i to judge anyone else..it just bothers me though..that there are so many similarities between some systems there..and how they always relate to the exact same stuff..i dont know..i tend to over think things..i do..but i dont know..and im just not so sure about what goes on there...


guess after all of that i need to figure out what im doing today...feeling crummy and well not going to the office..but i am going to go and get my computer and put it downstairs so that i can get some work done..and ill go to the office good and early tomorrow so that i can get stuff printed and all of that..but today it will be just writing notes and catching up..and somewhere in there cooking dinner and stuff for lunches next week...no money for anything right now..so yep taking lunch and stuff..and it worked pretty ok last week..so that was a good thing...and i didnt have a lot of fast food last week so that was good too..a small amount of progress...am a bit concerned about dusti cas she is losing weight..and has lost a bit..and i think more than anything bounce is just eating all the food and dusti isnt getting as much as she should..as soon as i have the extra money they are both going to the vet for check ups..but i did get a few cans of wet food for dusti and im hoping that will help...bounce is coming home with me for christmas..and ill be home for about 4 days i think...maybe 5..but 4 at the least...and there will be a lot going on at home..cas i am anxious around christmas but mommy is way way way anxious and worse than usual with the temper and yelling and stuff..so yeah..gotta prepare..but hmm guess thats the plan for today..and well i need to clean my room..cas things are getting lost and i cant figure out where my clean clothes are anymore....and well the kids dont mind just grabbing clothes out of baskets and what not..but well yeah its a little tiresome...and mommy is also telling me i need a better winter coat and that i need to go ahead and find one so that she can pay for it..given she has told me to find one but she will decide what the final purchase will be...i mean i have already given her my christmas list..and she will most likely get what i asked for ..some way or another..she always get us what we ask for and then other stuff..even if she is complaining about not having money or anything...we will hve christmas..regardless..and sometimes i dont know how in the world she does it..how she manages to get so much stuff for all of us..and make things work..but she does..every year she does...i mean as we have all gotten older the gifts are less..well the piles of gifts are less..but they are still significant you know...like ive asked for a tv and an iphone...i know ill get the tv..but i wont get the phone right now...ill get the clothes ive asked for and a jacket..and other stuff..heck i wouldnt be surprised if she threw something into my stuff for bounce and dusti...but gift wise you know..i know kinda what to expect..heck some of it ill prolly pick out and she will just pay for it and wrap it up...but in general if i tell her i need something she will get it for me..i told her last week i needed money for a tire..and she sent it to me..given i didnt use it for tires but still she sent it..if i tell her i need new sneakers ill get them..i asked for a new purse and ended up with 2..she does that kind of stuff...and i dont need to wonder why i feel the need to constantly buy and have new stuff..no im not wondering where that came from at all

hmm i think ive rambled on enough today..for now...head is a little quieter though..and im feeling a little more focused...my eye is really hurting though and im frustrated that i found and lost my eye drops..i was worried this morning but i keep checking my eye in the mirror and its not pink..so im hoping the pain and what not will stop soon...at some point today ill put a warm washcloth on it and see if that helps..but i have to be laying down to do that..so yeah later on...

maybe at some point today will work on some collages...or maybe this week..really need to keep the thoughts from piling up like this...but ive just been so tired this past week..and working so much..and not doing much of anything except sleeping when im not at work..time doesnt even matter..it just has to be dark outside..or well if im driving..i feel so sleepy and can barely keep my eyes open..and this is without the nightly trazadone...i did take it last night though cas wasnt feeling good and really just wanted to sleep through the night without waking up a million times..and i did that..i think i got a lot of sleep last night..and im not feeling overly tired right now so im guessing i did sleep.
not sure though about t and pdoc for this week..i mean i have to go..well i think i need to go..but i dont want to go..cas it means that it will put me one session closer to not seeing her the week of christmas..and that has me a bit anxious...and im mad at t for daring to have a life outside of me and my issues that makes me a bad person doesnt it? for thinking that about my t ? i mean i know if i have an emergency then she will be reachable..but i dont want to ruin her christmas just cas i cant deal with mine...but i am very anxious about that..cas well going home amps up my anxiety..and christmas amps up my anxiety...put them together and i am liable to just become a complete basket case ugh...just not good..trying hard to take it one day at a time..and im having to remind myself repeatedly to stop and stay present and not jump into the future where any number of things can happen.....so deep breath....and calm down...

Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets. ~ by Clark Moustakas

can i face the consequences ? ?

i am really screwing things up for myself..big time...like i am just making one bad choice after another right now and im not sure how to fix anything...im stuck somewhere between really not caring and really just wanting it all to be ok..:(  i wish i could even juts say that i was struggling bbut im not..not in a way that is obvious to anyone else...my meds are keeping me from really feeling the stress of the predicament that i have gotten myself into..

well ok...the first thing that is going on is that i am tired..really truly i could fall asleep at any minute of the day tired..i sleep on night..i wake up and want to go back to sleep..i drive and can almost feel my eyes trying to close..i want to sleep and thats all i want to do..i work all day and sleep all night and im afraid that im not really functioning anymore..and im not sure what it is about...i mean im not even taking the sleep meds during the week...because they really make me sleep...and i sleep all night for the most part without them..but maybe im not getting any deep sleep or something..sometimes i wake up a lot during the night..and sometimes i sleep so much and then wake up and im still tired and worn out..all i seem to do is sleep and work and not do paperwork because im tired and cant focus and just cant seem to get myself to do it....now my meds are the same..and they have been the same for a while now..and they are like well i didnt think they were to high but i dont know..maybe they are to high..maybe i need a different med that doesnt make me feel so tired..but i dont want my meds to change either..maybe i need a med that will give me more engery...maybe i need to get a something more activating..i dont know..i dont want the doc to stop anything..well i do want some things changed..but i really feel like im very close to not being able to even function anymore or make it through the day or anything..i dont want to do anything but sleep..thats all..i would be happy to just sleep forever right now..all i have to do is lay down and im asleep within minutes..and thats after sleeping all night and maybe even taking a nap during the day...its frustrating ..very frustrating ...

and on the work front..im not turning in my notes..and i realize that i am doing it to pretty much sabatage myself...like i think the underlying thought is that i want to be fired from my first job so that i can move on and find a job that pays on time..but because im afraid to actually quit..then ive liked just stopped caring about my paperwork and im not doing it ..and im bordering very close to being like very disappointed in what i am doing..i know that i am screwing things up for myself and i feel completely powerless to stop it...once its in my head then its like im forced to just see how it is going to play out...three times this week i have been in the office with the intent to do paperwork and get it turned in..one day i didnt work at all in hopes of getting paperwork done..and nothing ..i get started and then stop..my attention is all over the place..my focus my motivation..my everything is gone right now...other things are on my mind and it is becoming overwhelming and i cant seperate out what is now and what is future and what i need to do..im having trouble staying present..maybe that is it...i cant keep myself here because im just worrying and thinking and planning...i want something to change but i dont know what it is...i want to run...i want to start over..i want a break..i want things to be different in some way and i dont know how to get it and keep what i have..i dont know how to balance things out...i cant have everything..but i want everything..and i want nothing..and my supervisor not being in the office anymore is really bothering me a lot more than i care to admit...i want her here..i want to know that she is here..and that i can just talk to her..or something..and im in the office right now and have yet to go anywhere near her office because im afraid she will be mad at me..and that she will not want me around cas im sucking at my job..im afraid that she wont like me anymore and i want her to like me..i want her to care for me..i want her to hug me and love me (non sexual) ..i want comfort again ..and im afraid to get it from her..and now im avoiding her..and im fighting myself about it big time because i know i want her..i want to see her..i want to be near her..but the fear is winning today...and if i leave the office without seeing her or saying hi then im afraid of how down and out i will feel..i know im not supposed to base my self worth or any of that on other people..but i do..and its so easy for me to get caught up in it all an think im horrible and dont deserve to live because one person doesnt have time for me...i want all of her time..i want all of her attention..i just want someones attention..i think the medicine is covering up how depressed i really am right now...i do fall apart around the holidays and this year is no different..something is wrong and i just dont know how to put it into words..or get out what i am feeling..ive spent so much time lately juts giving and giving and being avaliable to everyone else..that the need to run and hide and disappear is all i want to think about..after well thinking about sleep of course..and well there is always the option that i am using sleep as my escape..sleep is my way to not deal with anything...if im sleep then time keeps going..the world goes on ..and i dont have to deal with it anymore..just for a little while.. i am sad..i am a lot of things and i just dont know how to connect with any of it right now...

my mind is being taken over by thoughts and wants that i am uncomfortable with..i want to visit a friend that could possibly be more than a friend..i want things that i have never wanted before and it is scary and confusing...i cant get past the damage to my body..the scars..i was looking at my arms in the mirror this morning and realized that i wanted more..i realized i wanted them to go away..i cant see the pain in them, i cant see the hurt or the fear or the unspoken words...i just want more..i want to hurt..i want to feel..i want to forget..linda told me to get rid of the knife i have..and to my credit i dont know where it is currently..but i have it somewhere...im dreaming about razors..i cant figure out if my dreams are reality..did i have a razor? or did i just think i had one?  did i use it?  no..i am picking a lot but not cutting..i want to cut..i want to burn..i want to do all of it..and i try to hide from the thoughts..and the wanting..the need..i try to remember that it doesnt have to go back to the way it was..but i am afraid..im afraid that i wont be able to convince myself..that i wont be able to deal with it..and will give in...how can i stay strong when the desire to keep safe is such a flightly thing..i want to be safe..i do..but i want the thoughts to go away..i want the thoughts to just stop...

my head is a jumbled mess right now...i cant figure things out..i cant make choices..i cant deal with anything..and somehow i just get through the day so that i can do the same thing all over again tomorrow...i juts need to get through next week and my hours will go down cas school will be out..and i wont have to see my 4yr olds ....and then ill be able to move my hours up and not be out so late at night..maybe that will help..one of the consequences of not turning in my paperwork is that my job will reduce my hours until i catchc up...and maybe that is what i need to happen..job wise maybe it is...money wise im screaming and crying that that is the biggest mistake ever..and i know it is..but ive just messed up to the point that this is my option..reduce my hours until i can catch back up and go from there.. i dont know what is going to happen...well i know what is going to happen but i dont know when it is going to happen..but it will be soon...and im just trying to deal with things as they come..but its a constant battle not to jump ahead and skip the now and move on to something better...i want to pick up and run away from all the issues that i have here in va and juts start over again somewhere else ..

im not eating right..which isnt really a bad thing..but its not the best thing either..

i wish i could take a nap right now..had is on overload and i just want to sleep for a few minutes..and regroup and then go on with my day...

i suck..pretty much

not off to a good start

im tired ...not feeling good...

im worn out..and forgetful

i just want to lay down today and stay in bed.

i want a hug

a lot on my mind

you know i had this open yesterday...pretty much all day and i didnt write anything..nothing at all..and i dont know what stopped me..i really dont..i was ok you know..yesterday morning..i was..nothing major went on..nothing important..should have done work and didnt but thats nothing new...i caught up on some work phone calls..finally...and just kinda wasted time...not sure completely ...but then last night..i dont know..something is really bothering me and im not sure what it is...im feeling really sad and just i dont know out of place or something..i dont know what i want or dont want..or what i need or anything right now .. fell asleep super early last night but i think that was because i didnt want to deal with my head anymore..but then waking up at 2 cas i cant sleep is a pain in the butt too..i just wish i could figure out whats bothering me so much right now..and maybe i have some ideas but i dont want to get into them cas they are things im ashamed of feeling..all related to body issues and stuff

you know...

i am having a seriously frustrating day today...

thats pretty much all


feeling a lot unsettled and needing to just kinda stay in one place and like just think and not stress and not do to much..and ugh...i just want to lay down and hide and think..yep thats what i want to do...

Hope - The Rain Dont Last Forever

1ST VERSE
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

2ND VERSE
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear

Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS x 2
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm..

struggling this morning..with having to go home..:(  yeah...

well

things are well moving along in some ways..still rather screwed up in others...the nervousness about going home is starting to really set in..and im freaking big time...i am..im trying to stay present and just deal with where i am at right now..but its a little harder when i know i am looking at going home tomorrow and being home..and what it means..i dont know :( ..i know i have to go home..i know i have to get things done with my car and that i cant put off going home..i know that..but still..its hard..and i border on backing out..changing my mind and just saying screw it to everything...but i cant do that either..i have to manage some how..and that means getting things done some how...

gosh...yesterday was an adventure...i ended up having some fraud thing going on with my bank account and it had to be closed..which is a huge inconvenience..and i think a couple payments i had ended up not being completed which is frustrating..but im trying to see the positives of having a new account and all of that..but still its a hassle..but id rather feel safe and not have random things coming out of my account..and all of that..so yeah...but i have to go and get it finished today..and all that..

yesterday was awful body wise...i felt so sick and was having big time stomach pains and was miserable for most of the day..i made it to some of my work stuff..but not all..and yeah..managed to eat last night and it was ok..and didnt end up sick...i was worried for a little while but my stomach decided that it would keep the food..but im feeling much better today..and for that i am happy..

i have to catch up with work stuff this weekend..and i think i should be able to do it..i was told that im going to be written up this time for being late and i told my supervisor that i accepted the consequences for being late..and i do and i knew that it was going to happen..and now i just need to get back on track...and stay on track..seriously...its like i just need to catch up and go from there...catching up is key though..ugh..and i will go from there..

but i have insurance ! oh my gosh it was so nice..i got my card and everything..and i was able to get my prescriptions yesterday for 10 bucks!!  i didnt ask for the non generic of one..but without insurance they would have been over 200!! and i then both for 10..and it was so less stressful...but i went to a different pharmacy..and again the look of the meds have changed...and i dont know...i dont like getting meds from walmart..which ive decided...cas its like walmart has cheap prices..but its like they have the generic form of the generics..and i dont understand completely how the same meds can supposed change..but yeah..the ones i got last night are similar to the ones ive had in the past but there not the same as the ones i have currently..and its just confusing..essh...but yeah..i have insurance..and now i just have to keep it as long as i possibly can..! ugh ...so much to deal with...blah

but yeah..guess thats all of my issues..and well im not tired lol..right now..

and well there is the incredible sadness over one of my clients and that his foster family is giving him back and they want him gone before christmas :( :(  that is really truly bothering me a lot..and makes me very very sad..

living..loving..moving past the pain

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. ~ Romana L. Anderson

I wonder lately who i am and what has happened to me.. i wonder how i have gotten to this place...to this exact place where i am willing to allow another person to love me..where i have people who care for me..who want me around..i wonder how i am able to think and plan and really want to do more...when did i start living for me? what has changed that i actually want to live for me ? to do what i want to do regardless of anyone else? when did things change? and what made them change?

i dont know..and things feel different..things feel different..safer..calmer..stressful..worrisome..all of it and none of it..it does scare me..but i think i like the changes..i think im ready for the changes..im ready to get through the past stuff and move on..i want to move on.i want to grow up..and live my life completely..i do..and i know that it will involve a lot of work in therapy...a lot of talking ..and reaching out and support..i have to learn to accept comfort and stand up for myself..and say no and mean it..i have to accept the consequences of all of my actions..and let things go..i have to not ddwell on the little things..the past mistakes..the past pain..i cant carry it all around..it is a part of me..but i dont have to let it consume me either...

i will be okay..i will...

there are a lot of things that are changing..there are a lot of things that i suddenly want and i cant seem to settle for anything less...i want to move on..explore..have adventures...i want to be happy..i want to be positive..i want to be able to love myself and someone else..and to give and get in equal portions..and not give everything to one person and have nothing left for myself..
maybe that is what i ahve been trying to figure out lately..with all the supervisor stuff..and refusal to go home..and all of that that is going on lately..i actually learned the lesson that i some how needed to learn..and that i do need all of my supervisors right now..the ones who believe in me..and who talk to me..and offer me comfort in ways that i have never had it before..maybe its that my therapist is trying so hard to get me to live in the present and accept it for what it is...maybe i needed to have someone give me boundaries..very firm boundaries and i needed to know that i can respect them..and live with them..i will not fall apart when i am told that i cant have something..and yes i understand why she needed to put the boundaries in place..i really do..maybe more so now than i did last week when i struggled so much..i needed to be told over and over that i can be comforted and that it does not just have to be with hugs..and i have had a lot of people telling me lately..that this is progress..that this is growth..that i am accepting and acknowledging things in a way now that i have never done in the past..

it is odd that it is taken me this long..years and years of pain, and hurt and loneliness have gotten me here..living with friends..being able to talk to people who care...willing to have a relationship with someone that i do love and be able to get past the fear..maybe the whole huge thing is that im willing to take chances now..or that im willing to take one  chance and that will be a huge step in freeing myself from all of the past stuff...yes im still super afraid of a lot of things..and im super worried about a lot of things..but it is all manageable..it is all things that i can work on and deal with..even when it feels like i cant..i deal with it..and keep dealing with it..even through all the days that i wanted to truly give up and all the days i went and looked at pills in hopes of ending it all..or contemplated the benefits of suicide..and thinking that i just couldnt do it anymore..i never gave up..and i listened to my friend that i live with now..tell me over and over that i couldnt give up..that things will get better..i had my therapist telling me that i just need to keep holding on to hope and that it will get better..even if i didnt believe them..i heard them..i really truly heard them...goodness i still have a lot of work to do..a lot of things to get out and talk about and acknowledge...but im not the scared little girl i was even two years ago..im still scared of stuff..and have loads of trouble talking ..but i realized this week..that im not the same person i was when i left home and went to college at 17..im really truly not...what has happened to that girl ? where has she gone? 

i never thought i would be in this place...i really didnt..i was positive that i would have died long before i got to this point..before i accept a therapist who is willing to help me, or that i would be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine..that i would be counseling other people and families and doing okay at it ( ok i really cant say that im doing good at it cas that makes me uncomfortable!) i am asking for help..im starting to live..maybe thats the whole thing..im starting to live..and it may have taken me my entire life to realize that it is possible to move on..to grow up..to accept where i am at and live with it..but it is happening..it is..


i am not my past..and i dont know my future..all that leaves me with is the present..and i can either take it or leave it..but the choice is mine to make


-me

my hopes for next year

i hope that next year i will be able to take care of myself

i hope that my job stays stable and i am able to save money

i hope that i continue to use therapy for what it is and stop trying to keep secrets

i hope that i am able to learn to set stronger boundaries with people

i hope that i am able to keep being a good friend to well my friends both here and irl

i hope that i continue to write and do creative things when words fail me

i hope i am able to learn to budget and control my impulses better.

i hope i am able to pay more attention to my health and learn to take better care of myself.

i hope i am able to find just a bit of happiness

what am i thankful for

i am thankful for friends who care.
i am thankful to have  a job and  car and a safe place to live
im thankful for bounce and dusti who can make me smile and who i would be lost without

im thankful for my t and for my new friends i have made in va

im thankful for having fun conversations and knowing that i fit in somewhere

im thankful for you guys here who care and support and listen like no one ive ever known

im thankful for my t' and the people who keep giving me advise and nice words and unending support

im thankful for hugs

im thankful i am learning to express my wants and needs

breakthrough?

maybe i am looking at this mess that i have gotten myself into all wrong...maybe it is a good thing that i can identify that i want comfort from another person...even with my messed up perception and all .. maybe it is good that i can ask for a hug and deal with being told no..i may not like it at all and i am continue to think of ways to have that need met..but i can in the moment accept what im told..maybe being able to trust my supervisors regardless of what mommy is pushing into my head is a good step. well im trying to trust my supervisors..i really am...im trying to trust my therapist..im trying to trust my psychiatrist (ok well that one is taking way more effort)..but well i guess you get the idea...im trying..im connecting to something and im not sure i like it darn it..cas things have gotten really kinda messy with my head and its all confusing and in the way..and consuming..ugh...but things are changing..and that is super duper scary..and confusing ..and did i mention scary?  i mean i dont think i have ever been able to ask for a hug from anyone..and last week i asked for about 5..and managed to deal with my supervisors concerns at the same time...how is that for growth! essh..

but yesterday..i did something really very stupid and im trying not to freak cas i called and talked to my bank..and pretty much was told i will need to wait it out and see..i may end up closing my account and opening a new one..but yeah my way to help my money situation was not a smart thing to do..and god i know this..i know that..i know not to give out my bank info..and i really dont know where my smart genes were yesterday..but it was very stupid and very scary and im watching my bank account like a hawk..you know these lessons that you have to learn by making the mistakes are a pain in the a$$ .. but well yeah..trying not to dwell cas its happened and now ill just have to deal with it...but i really cant get over how stupid i was yesterday...no more trying to fix things..ill just wait until i have money and get paid and go from there..ugh

i can pick up my car today..yeah..trying to figure out how i am going to work that out...i may end up picking up my car tomorrow..i dont know...but its finished..and i sorta have the money to get it out..nad the insurance check is there..so that is one less worry..and somehow gotta get that taken care of...

i really do want my car back!

and well there is therapy today and gosh i am like ready to tell her everything if i means that i can get it out of my head..so much going on...and well not to mention i called her last week..and talked to her..and ive had to restrain from calling her again and again..but i did call her and i know that we will talk about that..and well i think i need to keep talking about the issues with my supervisor..and i want to show her my collages..i want to make a nother one..cas head is so full right now...i want to talk about thanksgiving and how im not going home and how that feels..ugh one hour just is not enough time anymore...and i think that once i get back on track with paying my bills off there im gonna ask if i can come twice a week..i am ...right now i feel like im finally getting somewhere..and once a week is just not enough. my need for acknowledgment and comfort are to strong right now...-sigh- i dont know...  but i think yeah ill go and do some collage stuff and then some work stuff and then get ready for therapy and the day....

yeah thats the plan...

collages

.  

guess should explain these just a little bit...or maybe i should just wait for questions bout them...i dont know...

the one .. with all the mom stuff is kinda some of what is going on and what we are like transferring to my supervisor..i want to be comforted and loved and cared for..really do

and the other is just the general mass confusion of my head..a lot of back and forth..avoiding ..hiding..running.

messy situations :(

today has not been the best day at all...and im getting tired so im sorrry if this doesnt make sense at all..

i rushed to my eval this morning and end up getting there right at 9...and then waited 45 minutes for my supervisor to finish getting things ready...and its like really i did have something else i needed to do...but ok i let that slide..and did my eval...i got a 55 cent increase joy...but you know the eval its self wasnt bad...but then we went through this checklist thing that i had to fill out..and well i scored myself pretty harshly..and there were some differences between my answers and hers..and so then i had to explain how i was scoring myself..and she told me that next time i have to score myself accurately cas im not giving myself enough credit...but you know no biggie..cas i most likely wont be any less harsh next time..but then she said that we were going to talk about what was going on for me..and well i wasnt going to..i really wasnt..but then i just told her a little about what was going on and some of the issues with mommy and being home..and well we talked about cutting and coping skills and respect vs fear..and it was a heavy conversation she told me that she knew from the first interview that the scars were from cutting..and she mentioned seeing the ones on my chest also..i almost showed her my arms..almost...but we talked about how it would be if i was assigned to someone who cut..and how that would be..and well we talked for a long time..she talked about some of her own stuff to and how she could relate you know...and we talked quite a bit about making choices and doing what i wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do...and she told me that i could call her any time..and that of course what we talked about was confidential ...and she let me go..and then i just had to go to my other supervisor..but i was feeling so exposed and scared and vulnerable and i didnt know what to do..and really wanted a hug..so i went to my other supervisor..and asked for a hug..and that turned into one of her 'ok close the door and have a seat' conversations..and it was like well crap i really will need a hug after all this talking! but she told me that she wasnt sure how she felt about all the hugs..and that she wasnt sure if it was good for me to keep coming to her for hugs..and so we talked about that..and how i was feeling and well i do understand that as one of my bosses i cant get like a million hugs from her..and i mentioned just asking for 1 hug a week..and then turned around and told her that it was unfair that i couldnt have hugs..but i do understand that im toeing the line of professional and unprofessional behaviors...i really am and so i can understand her concerns..i really can..and i dont like them at all..and so i ended up talking to her some about therapy and how i was kinda using her to fill a need totally unrelated to work and that i wasnt completely sure what was behind it..but it was another heavy conversation..and i only got out of it because she had to run out for something..and that meant i could leave.. ..but she did give me a hug..a real hug before i left today..but she also told me that if i asked for more than i would have to talk to her about what was going on..and she told me that the conversation was definitly not over with..and that we would continue it another time.. i mean how do i explain to my boss that i want to be attached to her hip and to never leave her side because she is safe..and i dont want her to think im weird or crazy..or anything..but the feelings im associating with her are really strong and i dont know how to really truly explain how i feel so connected to her that i cant control myself..and if im not trying to completely stare at her or keep track of where she is at ..then im like trying to get a hug from her or have her talk to me..cas she does listen and i know that she likes hugs..and all that stuff..and its just an area where im really truly lacking..and i just dont know .. ...but i left her and kinda wandered for a bit cas was feeling to overwhelmed to do much..and was going to skip the rest of work..but ended up going to work..and it was boring ...but my head was still kinda reeling and i was tryin to think and focus and i just had trouble with it..i left that house and ended up on the phone with mommy..and it was just ..i hung up with her and felt so out of it and angry..very angry cas im not being listened to and i cant say im not being listened to..and its frustrating cas she can break me so very fast..and then i really was feeling aimless and overwhelmed and upset..ended up sitting in the parking lot of a rug store for a little while..before going inside..i wrote a little bit..and then went and walked around in the store..which led to looking for razors and i looked for them and got mad cas i couldnt find them..and then did find them..and realized what i wanted and that i couldnt have it..and so texted for a little while..and then bought a bunch of magazines instead of buying razors...and then call the emergency line for my t and it took a couple tries but finally stuck with it and they called her and she called me..like super fast she called me..and i talked to her about what was going on..im all talked out..and i really was feeling out of control and on edge and just not in a good place and i told t that..and she helped me calm down enough to go to work..and well work was a disater tonight..and i left his house after about an hour because of the kids behavior..and so just came home..and well that drive was its on adventure..but am now home and just want to sleep..really thats all i want right now..im tired and drained and just afraid of things..upset i needed to call linda tonight..and that i felt so unsafe that i wanted to just give up..have an escape..again..its becoming more frequent again..i did tell linda that i felt really unsafe with myself when i was at home..and its just been a lot of hard convos..and feeling so not ok with all the talking and trying and ugh..its frustrating ... and im tired of work and

**insert random falling asleep last night and not finishing this***

hmm did calm down enough to go to work..and then then left within an hour cas the kid was off the chain and i wasnt up for dealing with him and my own stuff last night..i wasnt..so i left..and we have rescheduled for sunday...fun.. and so came home and well crashed pretty much...dont rememner how much medicine i took..cas woke up this morning feeling majorly drugged..and was trying to remember and cant.. i wanted to sleep..and i did..but now im awake and unsure again of what im doing or well not doing...

i think the problem..well one of the problems currently ..is that i cant balance the boundaries ...i really dont know how to...im pushing hard against the boundary with my supervisor with the hugs and all that..and i know that and understand it..but wanting them and wanting to feel comforted overruns my sense of logic and knowing better..and she is trying to put boundaries in place and i dont like it..i dont want the boundaries..i want her to be able to comfort me..because im scared and anxious and unsure of things lately...she and the other supervisor tell me that i can call them anytime...but i dont know how to handle that..because i would call every day..and not be able to talk..i already want to call them but i am unsure of how to cross that line..im not sure what is acceptable..and they both said i can call anytime..but i dont know how to limit the contact.once i start ill want to keep doing it..and ill want to keep going to them ...and icant...i cant regulate my emotions or feelings very well by myself...and maybe that is why i called linda last night and texted a friend...i have to be told and reminded that i need to calm down..and i need to think and do one thing at a time..and all this stuff..i get so caught up trying to look at and fix all of it that i just make it worse and not better..and then i end up a compete basket case and cant rein myself back in without an outside person or someone reminding me that i need to chill out..and then i start wanting to escape..to hide..to run away or hurt..i really wanted to hurt last night..i did...but managed not to..

i dont know..

weight watchers ...food...the hoildays..

so ive been thinking about this alot lately and ive been looking up the points and everything and you know just thinking about if i could do it or not..and well i think im getting close rand closer to deciding that i want to do weight watchers..i just get nervous thinking about starting it and seeing what happens..i have ..well this morning i looked up the points for like what i have been eating and its horrible..like really truly horrible ..and like over the top..using up points and then some..not that im counting right now.  its just a pain in the butt you know..cas the more i learn about all the weight watchers stuff the more i start counting stuff and its like holy crap...and i wonder why i cant lose weight ?!  its because im eating like i have no sense left in my head and i know better..but im using food as a crutch..i know i am..i really do..and i really hate that im doing it..but its like anything bad happens and i want to eat..anything annoying or frustrating or upsetting and i want to eat..ugh..its such a pain in the butt..and i dont know how to stop it..i mean i managed a couple days last week without fast food and then all it took was like one bad thing to happen and it was like noope i want to eat and i want something now and so it turned into fast food and then once i started i couldnt seem to stop again and its just a frustrating cycle that i have gotten myself into once again..and i have been thinking about purging again..and ive been thinking about not eating again and its all just a mess in my head when it comes to food cas well its all i think about it and its all overwhleming in its own way..and now the holidays are coming and im starting to freak about going home and being around mommy and her telling me you know that ive not lost weight..and im not sure if i gained or not but im certainly not losing anything..and i know she is going to just take one look at me and scream and push and do all her usual stuff to let me know how much i just suck at life you know..and it makes me nervous to gohome..and it makes me scared to go home too cas i dont want to have to deal with that...becuase its going to juts lead to an immediate and total shut down..i know it is..its like clockwork..and its like i know she will just take one look at me and have to point out all my current flaws and then just look at me like im a disgusting bug that she just wants to step on...facial expressions are pretty obvious you know..and well she doesnt go out of her way to hide hers..and so ive become quite accustomed to her looks of disgust :( i really have..and i try so hard not to let them get to me ...but its hard..and i dont know how to NOT let it get to me..i was looking at my calendar today and thanksgiving is really like just a week and a half away :( thats all...and not even 4 full weeks after that is christmas..and between the two of them that is a lot of time at home ...and im trying to figure out money and everything and im freaking out about all of it..i mean i need money to get my car out..and for bills and ugh...i just dont have enough for everything..i dont... :(  its not good ..and i hate it cas its so just ugh i hate money...you know..i keep trying and trying and trying and still things are piling up so very much..and i cant manage to keep up...and it makes me feel so sick of trying :(

and this week is going to be busy...ill be up most of the night doing paperwokr i guess because it is due tomorrow no questions asked..so i have to get it done..fun fun fun...and then lots of work stuff to do this week and even more running around you know...lots of sessions with clients...and all that..gotta figure out my school schedule too and the classes that i need to see..and i have court on tuesday morning with a client..

therapy this week has me nervous and i keep thinking that i want to cancel it becausae it is going to be scary..and i wish i could remember what it is that we talked about..or what it is that i had homework about..but i dont remember...i just vaguely know what we talked about concerning mommy and her threatening to kill me..and i remember linda telling me that i could leave it all in her office and not worry about it..but i think i took that as im not going to remember any of it..cas i dont remember the session..i dont remember what we talked about..and i dont know..im just afraid..and feel completely exposed you know...

i know i owe my t and pdoc a lot of money..and i do mean a lot...and they are being so nice about the fact that i keep coming and umm cant pay :( and im hoping that i will have my insurance card by dec first so that i can take it to the office and then can start running it for my insurance and then ill be able to start paying off what i owe and not letting it get any higher...thats what i want...

and well i have to remember my bills..im so disappointed that it will mostly likely be in january before i manage to catch up :(  because i know that i am asking a lot of my friends that im staying with..and i know that we have a plan and a contract and everything..and i want to do my best to stick to it...and im going to try..but i guess i am feeling the time frame a lot right now and im worried that i wont be able to do it..or that ill have to find a place to move out and all of that ..and i guess im just feeling a bit worried about things and how things are going to work out...

i dont know...just a lot on my mind right now...

i

....hmmmmm

finally..finally it is friday and the day is over with for me...well all the work stuff is finally over with...gosh ...am so tired and sick and just worn out from this week..and so that means pretty much a day and a half of no work...cas have to work on sunday early in the afternoon and i think ill spend some time in the office on sunday doing work and what not...so that it will be all done and ready..cas now all notes have to be done on monday morning for both jobs..and i just want to be caught up you know...i want to not have to worry about it anymore ...so yeah thats the plan...but tomorrow its like an utterly nothing day..nothing is going to happen..nothing is going to get done..if i stay in bed all day then so be it..darn it...i just want one day were im not having to wake up at 5 in the morning and driving to town and what not...just one day..is that so much to ask for ?

work was ok i guess...got it done..mix up with one of my schools and i didnt send my schedule last night cas of well being sick and going to sleep within an hour of getting home ...and im sure sleeping at 7:30 is a big big sign that well i wasnt feeling good..but yeah..so one school is mad at me..and one is happy..and one is just in the middle and still kinda neutral...next week will stink kinda..cas there will be a lot of rearranging of my schedule...3 preschool classes to see, 2 staff meetings, 2 supervisions, 1 90 day eval meeting and well umm 4 maybe 5 clients to see at least 2 times a week EACH..AND possibly teacher and parent meetings will end up happening next week also...and then add in my own random personal stuff and therapy..and im looking at my week like WTF ... maybe i need to call it quits now before next week even starts and give myself a break...essh...so messy...and so busy..and tiring..and well the possibility of getting my car back is also next week at some time..and yeah..like i said..it will be busy...and im realizing ..rather late in the game .. that with my jobs..i just cant make everyone happy and i think ive gotten so caught up in trying to keep everyone happy that im just getting more and more lost and overwhelmed with things..

it was pretty disappointing today to realize that my plan of how things were going to work out and how things are working out are two very different things ive screwed up my pay checks for next week..i really have..and i know i have to live with it ..i do...but i also realize that im kinda royally screwed right now money wise..and my hole of despair is growing and growing and growing (but my meds are stopping the sui feelings from forming..blah )..and i feel so caught in it all i guess..cas i keep thinking about how much money i need next week vs how much ill actually have...and what ill need to go home and all of that..and its frustrating and hard and ugh frustrating ..and i dont know what i can or cant pay..i really truly dont right now..i know what i have to pay and what i cant get around paying..and im trying hard to keep as much money as we can in the bank to kinda help with the cost of things..but even that is dwindling..and its just ...i guess things are going slower than planned and then all the extra car stuff going on is making it all really hard to deal with..and yeah..im trying to be patient...i truly am..but its hard...its really really hard

guess trying to kinda avoid what was talked about in therapy..on tuesday..i dont want to think about it..but little bits and pieces are still creeping in and im stuck wondering what happened..and what they are about...they make me sad though..and i keep thinking that im just tired of the secrets..but im not sure i can go and blab them all to my therapist at the drop of a hat..but i am tired of keeping them..im tired of feeling so awful and miserable..and i guess i just know that my life is passing me by and im missing it...i couldnt figure out the other day if i was just existing or if i was actually living..you know im out and about during the day..but im awful at relating to people...and yes i work as a counselor..and yes im still quite awful relating to people..i dont know how to do it..im uncomfortable doing it..god i hear praise and i shut down almost...and i dont want to be like this forever..its hard..its tiring..im tired..and i know that this thinking to can change at the drop of a hat to..but maybe its enough for now to just be thinking about it.. i just want out you know...some how there has to be a way out...

but anyways...im starting to cough and throat is hurting again so guess its time for more medicine and laying down..

sorry for rambling..

im tired...

im tired...like worn out drained tired..im tired of giving and giving and i dont know ..i just want the weekend to get here because i feel like im going to crack...but i gotta get some work done..so yeah...laters...

moving on...yep

i need to figure out things for work next week..i realize that well one i need to not miss anymore work..and two i need to figure out to do about my jobs and all of that...i admit that having some time off did do wonders for making me feel calmer and more focused...but also knowing that well its time to go back to work is a big pain in the butt lol...gosh being an adult is a hassle...but well the insurance person is coming to look at my car tomorrow morning..and i realized a little late that well that means i wont be going to my staff meeting tomorrow morning..and i may not be going to my staff meeting tomorrow afternoon...i may go and see clients in the afternoon and evening though...and not worry about my staff meetings...i have some paperwork to turn in that i can finish up and email for the most part..or turn in tomorrow afternoon...im not sure yet how tomorrow is going to work out..and then i was thinking about just going and getting the rental but that wont work either cas well i would prefer im not sure about the deductible yet and when it needs to be paid..so i have to ask that tomorrow morning..and see..and i actually did want to go to my meetings tomorrow ...so a lot of thinking is going to be involved i think...and planning...i need to reschedule all of my clients for this week..and make sure i actually am seeing them..cas im supposed ti be turning in my hours for the past couple weeks tomorrow..which is also why i need to show up at work..and well my hours are miserable...and i need to get on the ball..with work and stuff....and i also got an email from one of my supervisors at my second job and was told that one of my clients has asked for a different counselor...and well i figured that was going to happen and i dont mind at all that she did..but i feel bad that it came to this..i mean i know i havent been giving her enough time and that she is suddenly needing me all the time and i just cant manage it...but i still feel guilty and like ive messed up...and the past couple weeks have just been really bad and all sorts of things have happened you know..and it stinks big time...but when i talk to my supervisor about it i will just let her know you know that things just havent worked out lately...and move on...gosh..its hard..being and adult..making changes...struggling so much and still having so many families depending on me to show up and help them..goodness...

but i was looking at jobs online yesterday and there is a job fair on thursday evening i think...that i kinda want to go to and check out..i mean just to see what it is about..and well it seems like the company is really looking for people and i guess i want to keep my options open..but i do want to go and at least check it out if possible.

but did call my insurance yesterday..and thankfully it was ok..it went a lot better than i thought it was going to go..and well that made me feel better a lot ... and someone is going to come and look at my car tomorrow..and then ill just have to figure out when i can take it in ...and well things are moving along i guess....

today im also going to have to turn in my key to my old apartment..and well that is making me feel really sad and well just sad ... its so weird how things change you know..and i know they are changing for the better..but i guess the apartment was my last link to like having our own place...and i know its like short term and stuff..but yeah..will try again in a few months..ok i guess its time for me to get up and get moving with my day....thats the plan ..hmmm im pretty sure i have a plan for the day ... wow..head cleared so i think i needed to write...


dreams have been really weird lately...very very weird and im not sure if they are scary or not but just...umm yeah...a bit off lol...

ok really am going now...

hurting...sad...just i dont know...

was in an accident kinda today...car is messed up but driveable...banged up but not majorly hurt :(  feeling stupid and worried and scared big time right now...dont want to drive..or anything..just keep messing things up.

still frustrated

im frustrated...i feel frustrated and just unsure...i have a headache and just want to lay down and not think anymore ..but i keep thinking because i just dont know what to do..i dont know if im just frustrated at myself or at my jobs or at the world...i cant tell anymore...and im trying to figure it out and i just keep going on and on and on..

as things become stable..the more unstable things get...

and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...

but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that
me

where do i go from here?

well i have moved...for the most part i have moved..there is still some cleaning and small things that i need to take over to the storage place this week..and then it will be over and done with..and then ill be able to focus on paying off that rent and the other bills and paying mommy back..cas well now that i dont have rent she is expecting to get the money she loaned me back..and im not even sure really how much it was :(  my fault for not keeping track better..but its upwards of $1000 i think...she paid my rent twice..and umm my car note and phone bill a couple times..so yeah i owe her quite a bit of money and she as already said that by mid nov she wants some of it back..and shes already told me that it needs to be a fair amount and not a little bit...so yeah..i know im going to need to sit down and figure out what i will be able to pay and what i cant..cas im just sick of bills and being behind with everything...i am..it frustrates me horribly...so that is going to get worked out asap...and then saving and all of that for the holidays and everything...so yeah..guess ill just have to see how it goes...

work stuff will be busy this week..but i am getting to go to the pumpkin patch on wed..which i am looking forward to actually..and heather and her husband invited to this halloween get together on saturday..i guess i have really gotten out of habit with being around other people and living with someone else...ive been used to my own space and my own messiness..and just being alone and struggling..and now that im in a house with 2 other people..i feel lost and confused..because im stuck in 'good behavior' mode..and im trying to stay out of the way..but at the same time its feels like i am hiding and isolating..and its just that its new and different and im unsure of things..and so i end up being really quiet..and kind of aloof i guess..and i dont want them to think im not grateful..because i am..im just trying to get used to everything and being in a new area is fairly nerve wrecking for me...but im trying...i think..i hope..

but now that the moving is done i have to start paying attention to work again..and getting stuff in on time and all of that...ugh...not fun...not fun at all ...blah

maybe ill just lay down for a little while and then get up and do work stuff...

moving

i really almost cant believe im moving today...im scared ..worrried..things are changing and i keep saying it will be ok and that this is a good thing..and it will be ok and that its just short term.but still im scared some...but i gotta go and try to pack some more

im just tired

how is it that the one day ..the one week i need for work stuff to be ok...its all emergencies and crisis and i need i need i need from everyone possible please tell me how my clients keep increasing and my time is dwindling..and im frustrated to all heck with everyone else and their issues...i have my own issues to deal with too ok...im not some super hero and my life and my time is just soley dedicated to my clients and there stuff... sunday is turning into a work day..and tomorrow will not be a complete day off..and its like crap..ive worked every day this week and done all sorts of things to do with moving..and still i end up slacking on the moving stuff and having to put more and more time to work..and i keep trying to say no i cant do it..and it doesnt happen and so my time keeps getting taken away from me.. and its hard you know..im tired..and its all just wearing me out.big time..and i just want a break...but i dont know how to take a break right...im obssessing about money and bills and needing to get as many hours as i can..and i try hard to keep at least an hour for t and not let anything get scheduled in its place..but right now its like maybe i need to rethink that..maybe i need to just give up on having time to my self..and just give all of my time to work and running around and meeting everyone elses needs and not my own i try and keep trying so hard to make it all work..and at the same time i have to realize that this wont work forever..but right now i dont have the security with either of my jobs..and one does not outweigh the other..and im trying to hang on to both of them until i have to really pick one or the other...until i know for sure what will happen ...because in the end i have to get the job with the insurance...or else i need to find one with insurance...ugh..its all just hard and confusing..and im just tired...

and then i wonder why i cant manage to focus and pack..by the time i get home i dont want to think about packing..i just want to lay down and go to sleep...but i look at all i have yet to do and i feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.

and i just dont want to do anything at all...

i panicked...

i dont know what i was thinking...i panicked big time today..well this evening..in tears..freaking out..falling apart..the whole nine yards..i was not ok..and well it happened because of moving..because suddenly things are not ideas anymore ..they are happening..and i have to manage to get it together to pack and move by saturday..

guess how many boxes i have?  guess how much i have actually packed?  how much i have gotten done?? or started??
 NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...

im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..

suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...

im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...



and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my  'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...

i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..

deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...

no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...

somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(

med issues

i dont know what to do about the current meds..im not sure they are helping but i dont know what else to ask for

i mean this past week ive been tired..and i thought it was the depression you know..i know being depressed can sap your energy big time..and yeah ive been depressed a lot..and so literally all i was doing was going to work and coming home..and spending a little time online..and then just going to bed..a few mornings i over slept..then i struggled to get up and moving and get out of the house...and then yesterday..i really just pretty much slept all day..something that i never ever do...and well i guess i was feeling super depressed yesterday..i dont know...maybe i cant even tell when im depressed anymore because i just stay depressed...but today..i didnt nap at all..i tried a couple times though ..and really had to force the no going to sleep rule today...but all i think about is sleeping..and all i want to do is sleep..and maybe thats making it a little more extreme than it is..but really i seem to only last a couple hours..and then i spend the next ten hours yawning or something..and i feel like i have no energy..and i realize it can be a lot of different things playing into it..i mean no im not eating the healthiest..and now im prolly not taking the best care of myself...but i think the depression makes it all worse..and i dont know..i mean no the meds arent going to fix things..but darnit i would hope the meds would give me a fighting chance at least..and nothing is making things better or more manageable or anything...and im just frustrated with all of it and not sure anymore what i want or need to ask the pdoc about...

currently i have 3 meds...im not sure if i need the trazodone stopped cas of feeling so tired...i dont know if i want to ask for the effexor to go higher so that i can feel saner..and im not even sure what the celexa is doing...i dont know if i should ask to try something different..or if there is anything that will help me focus and feel motivated and all of that..i dont know if i need to ask for the ones im on to go higher..or if i need to consider stopping them..and letting pdoc figure out something else..i just dont know..and i see pdoc on tuesday to talk about the meds and all that..and id rather not have another talk about hospitals and such..and so that means telling her whats going on..and im not sure whats going on..im just tired and sad all the time..thats all..i guess the sui feelings are a bit less..i dont remember if ive written about it any this past week..hmm no i think there were couple days..but not as bad as it was the week before..so no i dont know what to do about it at all ..i was thinking well maybe it would be best to just work out the effexor and increase it cas it helps the most i think..but if the effexor is the one that is making me more and more tired then well increasing it wont do anything but knock me out..which may or may not be a good thing.. havent decided on that yet..but i would rather that was increased i guess over increasing any of the other ones...or maybe i just need to try a different anti depressant..

ugh..i feel like all im doing is just repeating myself over and over and over..and not getting anywhere...

so i guess its just going to be meds..and heading to bed..

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

.....

i think all ive done is sleep today...

really..woke up at like 7:30...ended up sleep again by 11:30...up again at five...and just took meds again for going back to sleep..

im not thinking..or doing anything at all except watching the hours go by until i can go back to sleep..i dont want to have to think anymore..my head hurts..and when im awake all i think about is how messed up everything is..and how hard everything ..and how much everything how much everything is just messed and depressing and not ok...im tired you know..im really tired everything is a mess and i cant fix any of it

things are changing a lot...

well things are changing ... im moving..well im moving with a frriend..which will be happening the weekend of the 23rd...will be staying there for 3 months...going to try to keep it to three months and then you know find my own place to live...again...i just need some time to regroup..and get things in order...and save up a bit...before trying again on my own..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..

have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...

just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..

im tired..thats all

life sucks and then you die

i think that there just are not enough words to describe how awful today was...

work stuff frustrated me to tears..
got a ticket ..and then i was in tears..
late for everything under the sun today
tired and depressed
saw t today and well she told me i was clincally depressed ..and that moving in with heather is a good idea..
she says im managing when i just feel like im falling apart...
i just want to go to bed..and sleep forever..

i guess it has reached the end...

i forgot that mommy mentioned me moving home today :(  told me that it was an option ...worked so hard to get away..just to have to look at moving home again..this wasnt supposed to happen..it really wasnt.

theres really nothing to say....

i got a call today about my check for this week...i wont be getting it..i wont get paid until the 29th of the month...3 full weeks away..what am i supposed to do about money?! what am i supposed to do about anything ??  im at the end of my rope .. im upset and frustrated and the negative thoughts are extreme right now..i just want to go to bed..i dont want to work ..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to do anything right now..i just want to sleep cas that will stop me from doing anything bad..i just want to hurt..to destroy something..and im all that i have..im going to go and try to stay busy..but i dont care..im just tired of all of this..so very very tired...and dejected...and things just keep messing up..things keep screwing up..and i cant deal..i just cant..

....i dont know anymore

i dont know what to do..move..or not to move..stay with a friend...travel back and forth to work..ugh..i just cant catch a break..i cant get ahead..im frustrated and tired and hopeless about all of it..i am :(  i dont want to keep doing this...looking and hoping for things to work out..i just want to give up and go hide and just call it quits and not have to struggle anymore..i cant do this...ive failed..and i guess thats all there is to say..

blah

still struggling..still feeling hopeless...but trying to keep going and keep working and doing what i need to do..

just need to write...

my head is still trying to understand and accept all that has happened today...im not sure really if im happy or upset or calmer or anything really..im just back to being neutral..for now anyway..throughout the day that has changed a lot and ive tried hard to focus and get things done..i mean im still feeling utterly unmotivated..and everything..but at the same time im a little bit calmer than i have been the past few days...

so i guess ill start at the beginning of the day and just go from there...

i saw pdoc this morning..and well the biggest result is that i am having my meds increased..and it will take me back to where i was before with the effexor kinda..im still taking it twice a day but at a higher dose..which is fine with me...i figured that today wasnt the day to try and convince my pdoc that i wanted serious drugs..cas well she wouldnt have been to happy with me...in general i dont think she was to happy with me..but umm yeah...i mentioned being suicidal and it was like everything stopped and i just had to talk about that..i tried to mess around and beat around the bush and she told me to stop because i knew exactly what she was talking about..and she was right..and i didnt like that she was right...i didnt like that the hospital came up in the conversation..i dont like that i told the truth and it ended up being a conversation about the hospital...im terrified of the hospital ..and at the same time i know i want a break..from everything..from life..from working..from stress..and im afraid that if i go to the hospital ill just want to stay and that cant happen..i have to much life stuff to deal with and going into the hospital would ruin everything..i dont need ppl feeling sorry for me..or treating me like im going to break..and so i just keep forcing myself to keep going and to keep struggling through this mess that i have to call my life...and i force myself to believe that the hospital is not an option..that i have to deal with all that is going on ..and when i cant i end up feeling completely hopeless and stuck and even more suicidal..and it seems like it just keeps happening and i get so tired of trying and fighting to deal with my own life..so i guess long story short i wasnt to happy with the dr today...if i hadnt had to be in control so much im would have called her a meany head and started pouting...but yeah that didnt happen..and so i just got quiet and tried to focus and pay attention..but i didnt like the conversation and i was trying hard to ignore what she was saying..and thinking up ways to get out of ever being forced into the hospital..but i was really anxious when i left her..and i had to stick around for therapy..so i went and hung out in my car..and caught up on some work phone calls and everything..and got myself together in some form or fashion and went back in for therapy..but i think the depression/sad feelings where to much to deal with by then and i couldnt figure out how to be happy..and i think linda figured out something was up...but i really truly wasnt happy or anything at the time...and so i talked to linda about all of it...i really did let her know i was struggling and all that was going on..and what was happening and i did talk to her..and i guess i didnt like that i was talking because then it was just leaving me feeling more and more depressed and sad and frustrated...we talked about how my pride is getting in the way ..and that i need to use my resources and get help with the financal stuff and all of that..and she told me not to give up..and to work on one thing at a time...and well she told me that she would be really pissed off with me if i killed myself..cas we were having the conversation about cutting and if she would be mad at me..and well i told her that no one cared about me..and she told me i was wrong..and that there were a lot of people who cared about me...but i told her i would work on not giving up..and currently im not suicidal or anything..im very depressed but not thinking about dying...but depressed..i want to go to bed...all i do lately is sleep or spend time doing things i dont remember on the computer or watching movies...i told linda to that i was to unmotivated to kill myself and that i did sorta have a plan..the thoughts are worse now..they are..and im trying you know to keep fighting them..but then i end up feeling so hopeless and dying looks like such a good option and i just want things to stop and be quiet for a while..and it gets all confusing :( and i have to go back and see pdoc in 2 weeks..and linda also told me not to miss anymore sessions with her..i missed last week cas of work issues..and can this week..and well this week im like falling apart all over the place and suicidal and all that..and its like ok i wont miss anymore sessions..

and well i guess thats enough for all of that...but the other stuff i have been thinking of..money,,moving..jobs..ugh..theres so much...


the need to move is important...well i have to move..i do..i just cant afford living here..and i was thinking that i wanted to have a 2 bedroom...well i do want a two bedroom apartment..but for now i cant afford it..and im getting so frustrating trying to find a two bedroom..and i think i need to look for a one bedroom instead..i mean i have way to much stuff for a two bedroom and i really have no idea where in the hell im going to put some of the furniture that is left over from yvonne that she gave to me..but really im just frustrated and overwhelmed with looking and being worried about money..and all that..and i guess for now i need to find a place that i like and feel safe in and is affordable...and that is a 1 bedroom...and i think one of the other things that is really frustrating me with the apartment looking is that i have to pay so much extra money for bounce and dusti..and i really am all for being honest and all of that..but really..its like an extra 300 for pet fees and deposits and all of that..and they have to come with me..i just dont want to pay for them just yet..and then i get all twisted up feeling guilty..and out of sorts ..but darn it i just cant afford anything right now...and it frustrates the hell out of me..so i dont know what to do just yet...and i talked to the office today for where i live now and well letter from my job or not ill still be charged the late fee..for not having my rent in time..and i realize i wont h ave the rent anyway..and so i dont know what to do about that...i was told i HAD to do the 2 month notice..even though my lease is up..and that makes me mad cas well im moving cas i cant afford it..and maybe i just need to let them evict me and deal with paying them whatever i owe them then..and im sure it will be less than a month and ill be evicted for not paying..ugh so stupid...and well the place i did like i have been warned against..because there are a lot of drugs and stuff there..and i just keep thinking that i will be ok..you know i stay out of stuff and dont really talk to anyone anyway..but its that now that ive been told not to go there and cant go there ..and so im back to square one and looking for an apartment..and will just have to figure it out...how in the world can i condense my stuff down to a one bedroom?! crap crap crap..really feel like im getting nowhere though..with the search..and i dont know..its disappointing big time...but i guess i need to keep reminding myself that i can move again later on down the line...

and well the job stuff is pretty much going in the same way...2 jobs...both stressful..losing hours at my main job..but gaining hours at my second job..and well the not getting paid is just frustrating..and i am truly trying to be patient..i am...but i dont know what to do about it..and well i guess thats prolly why im frustrated with it all..

and well my lack of money and not being able to pay things really is frustrating me too..the check i get at the end of the week really needs to go towards other bills..and not rent..but i need to pay rent..and i dont know which i need to cover more..that 300 and some electric bill i have to pay..and then theres my car insurance that i have to pay..and well rent is not as high up on the list i guess..and thats bad..but i cant pay everything..and i have to be ok with that and accept the consequences of my choices..and i dont like them..i really dont liike that im stuck choosing which is more important to pay..:( cas it makes me feel bad..but well i dont make enough money to cover it all and money doesnt grow on trees..and so i have to choose..and i have to deal with it...ugh :(

and well there is the issue of paperwork that i havent turned in that i need to get done and in tomorrow..and im trying to find the motivation to do it..and ugh..

there is just so much going on and i keep trying to look at all of it together and not breaking it apart..and its making me feel awful and even more depressed and i guess hopeless too..and im just stuck..completely..and i dont know what to do..i cant think anymore tonight..i really cant..i guess its time for me to go to bed then..maybe after getting so sleep this will all just make sense and i wont be struggling anymore..

but on a completely different side note..i really need to stop trying to make myself feel better with food...i know im doing it and i know i feel powerless to stop it..but it needs to stop...im using money that i need for other stuff on food and i have food in the house and i need to eat it..and i need to cook..and stop messing around...

and i just feel the need to damn mcdonalds for that darn monopoly game..crap..every year i think im gonna win and that i have to get as many pieces as possible..when i know im not going to win and yeah..its like i get suckered into going to mcdonalds more often cas i want the pieces..and not really so much the food..but if i buy the food then i have to eat it..and so on and so forth..if nothing else i am predictable in my issues...and i get comfortable doing things i know i shouldnt do...and then just feel horrible about it later on..or as im doing it...i wont get into what ive eaten today.but its just been really bad ..and i know i just need to do better and work harder to control it tomorrow..

and today i actually had something different to talk about with linda but i got sidetracked and didnt bring it up...so maybe next week if i can keep it together...

but yeah..now i have a headache and am feeling really uncomfortable..so im going to lay down now...

yep..things still suck

weird night...fell asleep on the couch and then got up in the middle of the night and fell asleep on the floor..and then got up again and went to bed..only to wake up to dusti sleeping on me ... yeah it was a weird night!

geez what happened today ? how did it come to this..again...all the bad thoughts..and feeling unsafe...the mistake of telling t and pdoc about those feelings ..and once again having conversations about the hospital..and what will happen if i cant keep myself safe i hadnt planned on even going there with either of them..but somehow it came out and ..i tried to pretend i had no idea what the pdoc was talking to..can she jumped right on the sui feelings and just had to talk about it..but she saw right through it..cas she is right in that i do know exactly what she meant..i deal with putting kids in the hospital..and being there when they are admitted..i know how it works..and at the same time i know how to avoid it to..and so then we had to talk about what it would take if i was feeling unsafe..and it was just depressing talking about it...depressing thinking about it..just all around depressing today ..and well just in general lately its been depressing...and t told me not to give up..and to keep trying and doing one thing at a time..but i dont know..she also told me not to miss anymore sessions ... given last week was understandable cas there was a work issue..but yeah..it was like massive down hill spiral that wasnt able to be stopped since i didnt have a chance to see her last week..and i dont know..pdoc did up the meds a bit...but im not to hopeful about that or anything else right now...so i just dont know..but hmm trying to get through my other stuff today so i can come home and do paperwork that im once again behind on...ugh i think i kinda hate everything right now...

t did tell me though that she would be incredibly pissed at me if i killed myself ...which i prolly needed to hear i guess 

....

i dont know..i cant seem to stop worrying..i keep trying to figure it all out and i dont have any answers at all..and that upsets me..i hate not knowing what is going to happen and how its going to work out..i cant be ok with just a 'hope'...i need more than that i need concrete plans..i need to know how its all going to work out and none of whats going on is like that or even a possibility and it frustrates me horribly...
because i cant decide..because i get scared and overwhelmed and cant think..im afraid of what is going to happen or how things are going to work out..i dont know..:( i do see t and pdoc tomorrow..maybe they will help ...

im tired though...like sleepy tired all of a sudden and i just want to go to bed...im freezing and refuse to turn the heat on or close the windows..cas well i dont know..but i cant even manage to catch up on the electric bill..and its so late..and every day i wonder if im going to come home and have the lights turned off or something..and i guess thats one thing i have to pay at the end of the week... ireally truly cant get ahead right now

tired
 hopeless

frustrated

i wish this would all just stop...i hate everything and just feel like shutting down..i am shutting down..i dont want to talk to anyone..i just want to do my job and go home..im done..

just cant get ahead :(

the staff meeting yesterday was just to say that the company is still struggling..and that checks are going to be a full week late for some people...i hadnt been told ahead of time that i wasnt getting a check..i was told yesterday at 3 in the afternoon that i wasnt getting a check what the hell am i supposed to do ?! i needed that check..i have bills to pay..i need gas and grocerys and everything..and its overwhelming..iasked for gas money..and the boss gave me a little bit..and its like..well if im not getting paid and i dont have the money for gas i just cant see clines as much next week..but if i dont see them then my next check will be horrible..and i dont know what to do..you know he gave the speech and asked us to be patient and that he just needed like 30 more days and things would be back on track ... i cant decide if iwant to look for another job or if i am willing to stick it out and see what happens...theres to much trying to change right now..moving and a new job all at the same time is overwhelming..but moving and having a job where i cant depend on getting my paycheck on time is overwhelming me too..and so yesterday i had to plead for my check from my second job..with the understanding that every bit of paperwork will be in to them on monday...so now i have some money for the little stuff like gas and food and what not..but not enough to cover any bills..and im just frustrated and overwhelmed and wanting to do very very bad things and the possibility of moving and well also the possibiltiy of having to stay here for two months and struggling to pay the 825 in addition to fees for another place and all of that..and i dont know how to manage it..i dont know how to get anything done..and i just want to say screw it and just stay here ..where im at now..but i know there are cheaper places..and it would be logical to move..but i cant think about anything and im tired and worn out from thinking and trying to figure things out..and i just want to lay down and never get back up again..i really dont..