i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...

not doing good tonight

my head is spinning...im feeling to much and trying to fight against all of it..my head hurts..and it feels like i am trying to turn off my brain but its not working.its going to short circuit itsself out..why couldnt i just keep quiet and not say anything ..but i brought up adoption and my sister today..and i knew it is upsetting but i didnt realize just how much..like i feel worse after therapy than i did before it..too many thoughts going in my head and i cant put them into words..i messaged sarah beefore heading home because my thoughts were all over the place and i couldnt focus..i was going to sit in the parking lot forever and think..sarah got me home..and i laid down and fell asleep. i didnt mean to go to sleep..im writing now to try to ease some of the anxiety and pressure in my head..i cant seem to process everything from therapy today..i barely remember it..and that frustrates me..im just going to go back to sleep for tonight..i know im not thinking clearly and i know i want an escape from myself..sleep is safe .

anniversaries..

it is the time of year again that i become consumed with the past.with thoughts of my sister..a person i dont remember or know but still i grieve for her.  it happened almost 30 years ago and still i can only wonder where she is buried, if my birth parents know, if anyone else remembers her. so many questions and no answers.  i cant even visit her if i wanted too..every year i wonder if this will be the year i ask mommy where she is buried so that i can visit her..and each year i dont do it..im afraid..im afraid that i will forget her permantntly. that without me trying so hard to remember her, she will just disappear..as if she never was.  i think growing up i was glad she had died so that she didnt have too experience what i was experiencing..i was angry that she left me alone and i had to experience it on my own..and i am guilty for killing her and then forgetting her. i should be punished..i feel like i should be punished for not remembering, for her not being here.i do punish myself still for these thoughts and feelings.

i have her obituary..i found it when i moved.  i knew i had it but cuold never remember where i had put it. i find it and often lose it again.  it must stay hidden though because im not supposed to have it..mommy would not be happy i guess to know that i have it..but finding it again a few months ago was like finding proof that she existed..that i am not making her up. she was truly here..and she died..she left me..

being adopted, having and losing her, and knowing who i am is all connected in some ways..i wonder about my real family i guess..i wonder how different my life could have been..i wonder how its possible to not be wanted by two different families..and i feel so alone..like i truly have never ever fit in..not even from the beginning..i wasnt wanted


i think that is enough for now.anxiety is rising quickly..

stressed

i truly think the stress of everything is causing my stomach issues to be worse again...ive been eating gluten yes but not a lot like a couple weeks ago...work stress..the world stress..am i safe stress..all of it..i dont know...i dont feel safe..

Lost time maybe

Im sitting here thinking about the past couple days..well trying to and my mind drifts..i forget...and just keep sitting..i feel off..this has been a really stressful week though..and maybe im trying to destress but i feel more anxious and out of it with each passing day...today feels worse than yesterday...im not sure what ive been doing..sarah keeps asking and i keep telling her i dont know or im not sure..i have to be doing something..time keeps passing...was i reading or playing cards...did i take a nap or watch netflix? I cant keep a consistent flow of  consciousness..it gets broken somwhow and then i hear the negative thoughts..yesterday it was crashing my car..today its drowning in the bathtub...like just thinking about them..doing them..but i cant stick to a plan..its like they keep slipping out of my grasp..i keep trying to find something to cling to and nothing is there..i tjink my coworker leaving as brought up abandonment issues...i told her i was mad at her for leaving ..thinking about it makes me tear up...i am an adult right? Why is tjis so hard..things are beginning to get down and all im doing is watching because I don't know whay to do...my head hurts really a lot..i think ive missed taking the meds for a couple days...i took  them today..my brain feels slow..my thinking is slow...im not mYself but i dont know where i have gone.

yesterday was a bad bad day at work

i kept getting yelled at ...all this week ive been getting yelled at for something ..stupid stuff...they are not letting us do our jobs... and it took a while to calm down the tears..and then i ended up frustrated again..and just couldnt focus on completing notes..i was on sign out yesterday..note to do..and was with the client who likes to flip over her wheelchair..they made me switch rooms and she was not happy and so i couldnt get anything done at all..i was a mess..i mean they are yelling at me because i let a client use all the stickers and im being wasteful..it was a client who hasnt been wanting to participate in anything..and finally she does something and they demand i take the stickers back..wtf...i didnt and she took her picture home...given i didnt give her all the stickers...she happened to be sitting with them and i was otherwise occupied and she kept adding things to her picture...because im not coming up with enough activities..because i let a client use a canvas with someone elses name drawn on it in pencil, that has been in there forever...i let a client color on a stack of construction paper and am again being wasteful..i do come up with activities..i have given her lists of supplies that i need..and have received nothing..but im told there is stuff upstairs...ok but im expected to stay with the clients and keep them busy and they hide activities upstairs and then swear we arent doing anything...yesterday was just too much :( i did get hugs from the two im trying to attach to..which did nothing to help the attachment issues but did make me feel a little bit better..im up now trying to work on missing notes...but again ..im feeling so down and upset that i just dont want to even show up...but i guess they would be expecting that...so ill show up...but the enjoyment is slipping away...im trying to be a team player..i do what im asked to do..and then some...and somehow i end up being yelled at...i dont understand it at all..and i hate that i started crying ..i left at 4 yesterday...no staying late for anything and i didnt finish my notes either..right now i dont care if im taken off the schedule..im tired .... and they will be the ones struggling with coverage...not me..i wont get paid ..but ill manage...  and i feel bad for even thinking that.... but yesterday i was feeling the urges to cut very strongly..i was really hurt and upset..and if im getting to that point then something is wrong...maybe this week is just a rough one...but im ready for friday at 4...i just want to go home..and stay home...

sarah totally made me feel better though because my new kindle showed up and i got to play with it..

blahish day

my stomach has not been happy today and i have not been nice to it at all so i am guessing that this qas going to happen and i would suffer for it...well i knew it would happen...as i caused it....but again i am convincing myself that i dont have to take out my anxiety or sad feelings or whatever with food...or eat foods i know make me sick so that ill be sick....am i lacking attention?  i went bowling at work on friday..and i was so hurt when no one told me good job..like really hurt..but when someone did..it was like the best thing ever....craving more attention..and still trying to attach to my coworkers...i hope my stomach settles a bit before i have to go to work tomorrow...ugh..but ill be testing all day tomorrow so i wont even be on the floor..but being stuck in a hot office and bored to death with not make tomorrow any easier...but hey no note writing if im not with the clients..and for that i am happy..i finally see anita tomorrow..and prolly have to make a stop at the store before coming home...and tuesday is sarahs birthday...and noa called me today to ask if i would take her to see the trolls movie :)  i swore she said train museum lol..but that will be something we can do when i go down there...i cant wait..my thoughts are a bit jumpy tonight and i really wish the weekend was a bit longer...i packed my lunch for tomorrow already...a sandwich, chips, grapes, and fruit snacks...good and simple...i eat so much better during the week than on the weekends but lately all my eating is kinda bad in that im eating stuff with wheat in it...and that is going to have to stop because it is making me sick...like bathroom accidents sick..and im beginning to feel miserable with all of it..im gonna go lay down for a little bit ...feeling antsy for some reason...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson"

wow wow wow

this week has been ridiculous !!  work has been crazy...like someone contaminated the water crazy...ugh..i was so freaked out on tuesday because one of the clients had a seizure and i responded first ..and he is ok..but i just worry so easily...

today was a better day at work though..this weather is irking my nerves because its so so so hot and sticky and humid and gross..and i get so cranky when im hot..i dont mean to be but im just not comfortable ..

but the coolest thing ever is that ive found the computer i want to get sarah...i cant show her mine because its like the one she is getting ..im going to pick it up on friday..im pretty proud of myself for being able to get me a computer for work stuff and sarah a computer for her birthday...im proud of myself for working ...and having money and being able to pay things..and this month is also involving a trip to south carolina..and everything...so yep pretty cool stuff going on.

its hard though at the same time some days...my mood is all over the place and ive been sleeping a lot...i want to talk to anita but i wont see her until monday..im trying to be patient and not call her or bother her..i keep telling myself i can manage ... i hope..still using food as a weapon against myself and as a result my stomach is more often than not upset these days..i want to join the rec center that we go to with work..and go and walk the track in the evenings or something..its a small place so maybe i will look into it..

Wow things have changed

I truly like this picture of myself... I can say that with feeling immense hate..without thinking about everything wrong with myself...

When I took the picture I was in an ok mood..i was at work..playing around iñ the bathroom while waiting for a coworking..nothing special going on..

As I posted the picture on facebook..i realized I actually liked it...no strings attached..i still feel a bit detached from it though and I guess that might be odd..i mean it's a picture of me..but at the same time the connection is not there..maybe I just made this so confusing lol

Ok I like the picture..thats the overall message .