On edge

Things are moving very fast and I am nervous and anxious about it...I have to go get my fingerprints done and her my other paperwork done..I see Anita tomorrow and with work starting possibly very soon I don't know how to be able to see her and not seeing her may send me into a tail spin..I have doc appts and stuff to figure out and I'm feeling really overwhelmed ..plus Sarah has a new agency starting tomorrow..new people.. becoming comfortable with someone being here all day...after 2 months of just us...and now there will be someone else and it makes me nervous and sad...I will have to wait another couple weeks to get my stuff from nc... and I just want my stuff at this point..I may end up having to get an air mattress... sleeping on the floor is not fun...I want to hide ..isolate...too many things are changing..I should be happy right? Why am I not happy? I just want to have immense quiet...with no expectations...

Busy busy days

Yesterday was super busy and tiring as I was moving stuff...we are in the new apartment though :) it is a truly nice feeling to feel safe after so much moving around and not really having a steady home...And now against everything thrown at me and Sarah..we have an apartment..it is exciting and scary...

Plus I've been offered a job...a perfect job ! M - f ...at a day support program... I have  to go and pick up the packet of info to fill out and get my finger prints and stuff done..before I can start...but I did it..I got a job...hopefully my background issue won't end up with me getting fired and that makes me so nervous...but I'm can't worry about it now...I have to wait and just see and pray that I can keep this job...

Unpacking and stuff today..but gotta go to the other apartment to get the cats and bring over some little things...

But things are seriously looking up and it makes me so very nervous...I'm afraid something will take it all away :( but I'm working to enjoy these days.

Thoughts

For the first time in weeks/ months my stomach isn't bothering me....I did not spend yesterday running back and forth to the bathroom..all this time..I can see from two and three years ago in old Facebook posts that I've been having stomach issues for a long time...And it has sucked royally...And for my doc to ask about what I'm eating..because I always swore up and down that my eating doesn't change..but it was what I've been eating...what I've always eaten..And its more than just being like it's not healthy...it was literally sending me to the hospital...this may,be the hardest thing ever..And I feel so stupid for not considering this sooner ..but this is like the ultimate self care for me...this is truly having to figure out how to work with my body and try to save it without hating it at,the same time..it is different and hard but as I told my doc..  am sick to death of being sick..

How things are going..

This weekend will be one for flat out relaxing as next week is going to be incredibly busy!

Kai got fixed yesterday and he is doing well..lots of cuddling and laying with me...I can tell he is taking it a bit easy..he is younger than I thought though...the docs peg him at 7 months and I was saying he is 9 months because I was told he was born in August...but he was awfully small when I got him at the beginning of Oct...so maybe he is a bit younger..I'll make his birthday around my birthday :)

I finally got the change of address form submitted...I did forget to go and get my meds yesterday ..so I'll have to get them on Monday..

Went grocery shopping yesterday and looked for the gluten free options ..at first I wasn't seeing any and was starting to get overwhelmed..but I was able to slow down and figure out what little sign I was looking for..And found more things..I got a lot of fruits and some veggies and stuff..some popcorn chips and I even got some waffles..it is going to be a learning experience for sure...but I had an almost normal stomach day yesterday...I'm so nervous that this won't work and I'm trying not to get my hopes to high..but I'm working on sticking with it..

I was able to close out my storage unit yesterday..And got that stuff moved to the apartment..so now we have to work on  finishing up packing Sarah's stuff and the plan is to move her stuff on Wed morning..

And I have an interview next week..on Tuesday ..at 10am.
.a full time position..m -f ...I really want this job!!

So I guess things are going ok ...surprisingly.. a bit stressful but ok..

big eating changes

i am terrified of the changes i have to make to my diet...im scared that i have no idea what i am doing...i am beginning the process of taking gluten and dairy out of my diet...im having so many stomach issues that  i will gladly do it...but its taking away a lot of stuff that i eat on a regular basis..and that is scary...i know there are a lot of gluten free options but im not big on trying new things..and for right now im going to go back to what i know and am comfortable with..as i learn more about this...diary isnt so hard as i know there is dairy free butter..i can live without milk and cheese ... but the gluten part..that one is just daunting..no bread..no processed stuff..boring old fruits and vegetables .. meats are ok to eat..seafood..but not fried..corn stuff is ok ..and im suddenly glad that i like grits...im tryin to go slow but i know i will just stop eating the stuff as much as i can..and see if it helps...

Something is wrong with my stomach

May end up back  at the er because  of my stomach issues...trying to stick it out and call my doc tomorrow..but since Saturday things have been pretty bad...I don't know what to do really

kicked while already down...

if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...

mommy - 1
me - 0

im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..

according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear?  why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ?  i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked  or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan  away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought

emotional breakdown in progress

fighting for this stage in my life

something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks...ive been thinking hard about something and i just couldnt put my finger on what it was....yesterday after yet another conversation with mommy and sarah had a conversation with one of her case managers and i realized that we are both being questioned to death about this choice we are making ...and it is upsetting me in a way...it is stressful and overwhelming to always have to explain why..and defend the decision..and just not have people be happy for us..either separately or together...

i talked to sarah yesterday and she was upset and crying and i told her that i had decided no one would be taking this happiness away from me...and i realized in that moment that i truly meant it...that this move has been a long time coming and i dont want to be made to doubt myself or the decision...we made the choice together..we will be living there together..not with everyone who feels the need to share there opinions about the apartment or anything else...and im holdin tightly to the thought that this is a good move..this is what we need..we are always better together..we have talked about the pros and cons...we have talked about the changes that need to be made ...we have talked about ALL of it...and still people doubt..but no one is offering any help...except mommy and im paying for that!

the thing is that i am finally in a place right now where i am feeling accepted...almost happy even some days...and it is a feeling that i dont want to have go away...in the past almost three years ..i have been homeless more than once ..in bad living situations..without jobs..without a car...and now ..finally now things are beginning to look up and ill be damned if i have anyone take that away..its not fair...its my life..and im happy with the choices i am currently making...believe me i have made some really bad choices in the past but i am still alive...i have learned even if i didnt want to learn...i learned..and now..finally now i am able to say that my current choice is one that truly makes me happy and lets me feel at peace...and the fact that a lot of people are doubting us makes me want to scream...we are both adults the last time i checked..capable of making decisions..why do people think that they get to force their opinions....

so screw all of them...i can deal with mommy with sarahs help...and sarah can deal with all her loud opinionators with my help....

but i am determined to see this through..its not for anyone else...its not to make anyone else happy...its like ive struggled for so long and no one really knows that ..but sarah does know..and she has stayed by my side...we have managed to make things work in the face of everyones opinion...and we are still together...has no one figured it out yet ???

im learning...that i have to make choices for me..and my happiness ... and i dont want to let anyone ruin it for me...i dont...