3 months

a little over 3 months of no s/i 

its been a while since ive been at this point.  

everyday is a new battle to fight through 

it is what it is and i am only in charge of controlling myself and my thoughts..

no one else's  

I am not at the point of completely accepting the scars 

But in the past week, ive reminded myself again and again that my scars are not who i am. my scars are the result of a behavior, multiple behaviors that 'helped' at the times they were needed. 

Now though, it is time to focus on other things, its time to grow up, to change, to live, to be free 

   

Vacation in Cancun 2012

 What Happens in Cancun.Really should stay in Cancun haha


So went to Cancun last week, flew down and stayed for a week.  I flew out of NC instead of flying out of VA because the flights had better options in NC. I also managed to find a nonstop flight which was way less stressful on me than having stops and getting off and being so worried about missing my flight or something.  So got to the airport incredibly early and the waiting made me freak out a bit because just waiting and thinking reminded me that im not so sure i even like flying !!! talk about bad timing!

But since it was a little late to be getting out of my ticket, I realized that well i kinda HAD to go :)  Now flying internationally even if its only to Mexico is an expericene.  I know Ive watched one to many episodes of locked up aboard and my mind was going in all directions as i went through customs and had my passport looked at millions of times and stamped and pushed buttons and yeah.  it was an experience.  Coming back was an experience too because its like you come in through a whole different section of the airport because of having to go back through customs. weirdness but did it :)  even made it through all the stupid security and everything and didnt set anything off thankfully. 

So made it on the plane and lasted through the trip..wasnt so bad but it was a bit boring.  but being in the sky was pretty awesome ..I wanted to be a pilot for a split second and just fly all over the place . I had a window seat so I got to look at all the massively fluffly clouds and blue skies :) 

So made it to cancun late morning, got suckered into a deal that i didnt use. but made it to the person waiting for me and eventually made it to the resort ..the interesting thing is that driving through cancun (the non hotel resort part) is really just like any other place..It actually reminded me a lot of California.  Got to the resort checked in, and waited for yvonne to get there because we came on separate flights. 

This was my favorite place to chill out while hanging out on the beach.  the beds and chairs and lounges were awesome.  Just laid down and watched people walking by, watching people being suckered into buying stuff, had free drinks, and looked at the ocean.  When yvonne got there we laid around and talked and caught up which was pretty cool because I havent talked to/seen her in forever!!! 

And this is me messing around with my camera in a bathing suit...i had worried and freaked out so much about wearing my bathing suit and going swimming and all of that..due to all the scars on my upper body...i did wear my suit but i also kept a tshirt on about 90% of the time. This is a huge huge deal for me.  I spend so much time hiding them, and this was the first time I actually felt ok enough to try to be comfortable in my own skin .. it was hard..but i did it multiple times.  I wore my sleeveless dress out to dinner, and went to another hotel in it. I felt incredibly scared and majorly exposed and it really was only like 3 hours but it felt like a lifetime! but i lasted through the whole thing without covering up my arms.

 

And this is my random cool box of spanish frosted flakes :)  I found it amusing and brought the box home with me :)  Found these during the timeshare tour which was kinda cool but also very tiring.  we toured some of the other hotels, and they tried to convince us to invest..i was more easily convinced than yvonne, and so she had to talk sense into me before i signed up for something that i couldnt afford!!! but we did get a free tour and a free massage out of doing it.   Now anyone who knows me well knows that I am not all that keen on being touched or undressed in front of anyone..and i end up with this free full body massage that i could only assume meant being undressed.  After a lot of freaking out I agreed to go through with it.  Waiting in the spa made me so so nervous..i was going to have a major melt down..but yvonne was with me and talked to me and helped me not run away in terror...so the massage lady came and got us and of course it was like ok undress..I had some privacy but really..one little sheet just aint enough..but i did undress almost completely..and then freaked out about it and hid under the cover while waiting for the lady to come back in.  then it was the whole low music, and being massaged and rubbed quite throughly with lotion ... it was so strange having someone touching me like that and i had to remind myself constantly that i was safe and nothing was going to happen.  being that i was so undressed and what not (had my bathing suit bottom on) its like all of my scars were just out there..the lady doing the massage didnt say anything about them..but i was very aware that she was touching them and what not..since this was a full front and back massage.  and of course i ruined it and giggled when she did my feet. geez...but yes i made it through the whole thing..and yvonne did stay with me..but we didnt really talk through the massage..when it was over though i couldnt even get up lol...i didnt want her to stop..i was close to falling asleep and so having to get up and refocus was a little bit hard to do! yvonne helped me with getting redressed due to the whole strapless bra fiasco..the thing gave me boobs i didnt have lol.but it did stop my dress from falling off :)  so she helped me get it all straightened out and off we went to a fancy dinner and walking on the beach..

 

These are some pictures of the beach that i just really like.  The water was so clear, nice, calming.  Im not a huge beach fan, and i actually prefer being in the woods/mountains..but this i enjoyed..It was pretty. It was calming. There was space to think you know. 

Now these last pictures are from the boat tour to the island...this trip began on an off note due to some conflicting information we had received about it being free but there was still a fee..blah blah...so got all that settled and we left on the ferry.  now i knew i had been seasick before..just the feelings of being really nauseous and stuff..so i wasnt to focused on it..you know..i thought i would be fine..and so the trip started..after about an hour of just being on the water, drinking, talking and watching the water as we moved further and further away from cancun..we stopped for the people who were snorkeling and i wasnt doing that so i just stayed on the boat..but suddenly i was feeling very very sick..and so i was just sitting down..waiting for the snorkelers to get back..and you know just looked at the view and stuff...they came back and we started moving again..and out of nowhere i was sick..literally barfing over the side of the boat sick..even writing about it makes me feel so embarrassed..but i was sick and yvonne did the whole lets hold my hair back so that im not throwing up on it..she managed to get my phone away from me because i was holding it at the time...and the whole situation was made worse by the simple fact that we were moving and it was windy and so being sick and wind doesnt mix well at all!! but eventually i stopped..the crew on the boat helped with cleaning up and gave me water to kinda clean myself up with..and one of the women on the boat had motion sickness meds and gave me one...but me being me..i was so upset and scared and embarrassed that i started to cry but kept on my sunglasses so that it wasnt that obvious..but finally we made it to the island and i can barely walk im feeling so awful..and it was lunch time and i just wanted to stay far away from food..but again i was advised by one of the crew to try eating some rice before eating anything else..and i ended up eating some like chicken and tortillas..but was still feeling pretty sick..so i went down to the beach with yvonne and hung out in the hammocks..which turned into me napping for a little while.. when it was time to leave the short boat ride to the downtown section of the island was manageable..walked around..got talked into buying stuff..ended up with a sombero that i have no idea when i will be wearing it again lol..but i bought it gosh darn it lol..and it has a blue flower on it...but then i was feeling to hot and tired and we stopped shopping and just went and sat in one of the bar /grill places while waiting for the ferry to return...and in this bar i found real food..i talked yvonne into getting me a cheeseburger and fries lol..i was so hungry...i mean the resort had food..all over the place..but it was not food i wanted..so my one and only cheeseburger was found on an island in the middle of the ocean lol..i was still kinda in my own little world and just sat and listened as yvonne talked to some of the other people that were on our ferry..i took another of the motion sickness pills before getting back on the ferry...and again took my seat in the front of the boat..and we started and i was okish..but gradually was beginning to feel sick again...and finally realized i needed to be in the back of the ferry and not the front because there was less movement in the back..and it was cooler back there and i was out of the sun..the crew again reminded me to not look directly at the water because of the up and down motions..and at the back i didnt have as much of a clear view of the water..and so my stomach managed to settle down..and then the party started lol..the dudes on the crew had the music blasting and the drinks flowing..although i didnt drink anything more than sprite lol..but they danced and pulled out the grass skirts and coconut bras and everyone joined in..crew and vacationers alike :)  it was fun, it was loud, i danced on a pole lol ..but yvonne has those pictures lol..but it was just a good time you know..i was finally able to relax and enjoy the end part of the trip.  it really was a fun time.  Made it back safely and again i swear to never get on another boat again lol...but of course then getting back to the hotel was an issue..and we were able to take the shuttle part of the way and then found out that it would be a whole freaking hour before the shuttle would run to our hotel..so the city bus it was...and i actually took a city bus in cancun and did not die or freak out!  but by the time we got back to the hotel i was dead tired...like i made it up to our room..mumbled something to yvonne..and then i laid down...it was like 6pmish ...and i ended up going to sleep..and i slept and slept and slept somemore...i was done for the day and didnt wake up until the next morning which was our last one in cancun...i asked yvonne why she didnt wake me up the night before and she said that she figured i needed the sleep.because i was dead to the world..i know i woke up a couple times and talked to her about random things..but still very quickly went back to sleep..i think just so much activity and so much sun just wore me out...and i slept...but waking up on the last day..i knew i was ready to come home..i knew that i had had enough with vacation and that i was missing my routines at home..and so yes it was time to leave...

 

Thanks to me and my packing habits i couldnt get my suitcase to close lol..and so yvonne repacked the whole thing for me :)  yep i had my bear and a ridiculous amount of clothes..and all sorts of random things that i needed and never used lol..but we got me packed up and napped again..and then it was time to go..flying home was fine too..again the whole customs and being checked and stamped and all of that..had my last meal in mexico was at the airport..and it was just a sandwich and chips..again for me that was normal food :)  and home i came 

got some pretty neat little knick knacks and painted a pottery sun/moon combo down there...a lot of just laying down and watching cartoons in spanish ..that surprised and frustrated me  a lot ..i wanted to watch cartoons gosh darnit and then i couldnt understand them! but i watched them all the same..occasionally i was able to find a show in english and watch it but it wasnt the same you know. 

Overall I am very happy I went.  it was good to get away from life, and working and expectations..it was..but coming home was good too.. (yvonne >)

there were a couple instances where i was feeling rather down and after a couple days i stopped the drinking and went back to taking my meds..cas my thoughts werent bad bad.but i knew that it would get there..and so i just stopped the drinking..and went back to sprite and water and juice...but gosh darn those long island ice teas were lovely :) 

and so that was my trip :)  in a nutshell 

 I lasted a whole week with just me and yvonne :) and it was goooooooooooooooooood

pictures and other early rambles ...

i am ok...after what i wrote yesterday..i think..i had some anxiety..which came out in overeating but again it is what it is..and it could have been a heck of a lot worse...so ill take what i can get...i think i slept off and on yesterday too after writing...and i think at some point today i will do some collaging..just because there are so many thoughts filling my head right now..and i want my t back and im trying to manage and know that its only a bit more than a week..but it feels like its been forever..

but what i wrote yesterday took a lot of effort...but i am telling the truth when i say i am tired..tired of hiding..tired of having to fight so darn hhard for such small successes..i want a life..i want to do things..and if it starts now then so be it...i just want to do stuff..live..

started this yesterday actually..and well just not sure where the day went..rally not -sigh-  just one of those days

nothing happened but was really anxious and just not all in my head..i dont know..but ive forgotten now what i started this one for..great loll..but oh well..ill remember again at some point 

The path to healing is really confusing....

I went home last weekend..to get some things taken care of dealing with my car and all of that..and it was not as emotional overwhelming as it usually is..i can possibly blame that on not feeling completely well while there..but it was different and im not completely sure why.

Fear is instilled deep deep within me, fear of home, fear of mommy, fear of judgement, fear of not being good enough, just flat out paralyzing fear..willing to over medicate type fear just so i dont have to deal.

I was at home for maybe a day and a half, not all of that time was spent with mommy.  i did see her friday night but she had to do an overnight thing with work..so it was just sorta a drop in and get the keys type thing..i was sooo tired and worn out ..but knowwing i would have to see her kept me anxious too..but she didnt say anything negative..she told me i looked nice..a few comments about my hair..but nothing over the top negative...

saturday i was running around dealing with car stuff, and then getting my nails done as a bday gift from mommy, and then had lunch with mommy.  talked about more general things at lunch and then since i wasnt feeling good i went home and laid down and mommy went off to do her own thing. and i was pretty much left on my own..and had some spiking anxiety that night..not sure why..i should feel safe you know..im home alone in the house i grew up in..yet i was anxious..and felt just trapped and i dont know..

but sunday things changed a bit...mommy became more pushy in the whole trip thing, and what i should wear and what i should do and all sorts of things...weight was brought up again as usual...but its like she hides the nice things she says inside of the not nice things and so im more attuned to pickking out the bad stuff you know..but so talked about my trip and packing and visiting my brother and what that would entitle..a conversation that was sorta in one ear and out the other...but a little bit later on she offered to rebraid my hair..and it did need to be braided and since i cant do it..i agreed to letting her do it...which started up the anxiety because the whole just sitting there without any distractions and her not on the phone leads to way to many questions and accusations...but tried hard you know..she happened to notice the scars on my right upper arm and mentioned them and if i would be getting them removed...she noted other areas and i confirmed but did not show..and she did not ask to see...i did lie and tell her that ive stopped completely for like 2 years..when its been more like 3 months..but that is info that she does not really need to know...but that led to a conversation about why i did it and all of that..and i actually talked to her a little bit anyway..i told her she didnt listen, and that i was dealing with depression and not liking myself..i told her that when i was younger it was all about cleaning and god forbid doing anything wrong and hsving to redo it or something.  i told her i didnt listen well or do what i was supposed to do...she of course at this time did a complete 180 and started telling me all this positive stuff..like i was pretty and needed to hold my head up and all this stuff that  i just couldnt process at all..but she also asked if it was something she had done..in relation to the depression bit..and i just told her no...i couldnt get into that...but that is one of those questions that really makes me wonder does she not remember ??? does she not know what happened?  what she diid?  how can she forget all the hitting, and threats, and yelling, and all of it?? what happened?? am i wrong? am i not remembering right?  but some things i know for a fact because they have been confirmed by others...it was my brother that brought up the whole being forced to eat out of the toliet, and he was the one who told me we tried to run away when i was like what 2? 3?..i remember the threats and being hit..oh i wanted her to kill me when she said she would..i really did..i just wanted her to get it over and done with you know...but she didnt and time moved on and im still alive...but the fear, paranoia, brokeness has stayed .. the confusion and sadness..how could she not see that something was wrong with me growing up?? all the confusing messages and attacks that left me wondering why she even had me in the first place.  why would two people just not want me..what had i done that was so awful and bad?? and so from years i cant remember the thoughts were planted ..that i was just bad, different, messed up..to quiet, compared to my sisters and brothers..i grew up silent and obident and nothing was explained to me. how do you call a child a whore and a slut and then just forget about it?  how can you forget the beatings with everything that was handy and not realize that my brothers and sisters tried to protect me at times..what happened?  am i wrong?  am i crazy ? i dont know where the blame lies..i dont know if things would have been different had i ended up in a different family..i dont know..and i try not to dwell to much on it because it is so depressing wondering where it is that i belong..who it is that i belong to exactly..

this is life..that was growing up..the extremely watered down version but all the same..its my past..and i know my past created who i am today..but why do i have to be so broken?  ive been in and out of therapy for so long..on and off meds..trying and failing repeatedly..but things are a little more on the upswing right now..growing..processing, thinking things through..

it is just hard trying to figure it all out..and figure out where things are with mommy..i know that going home is not good for me..but cutting ties completely is not a real option either..and i cant change her..so maybe it is me that is changing.and me being more willing to stand up for myself or at least try to say how i feel.  i dont think ill ever be completely comfortable with mommy..i really dont...but at the same time maybe in time there can be something that is more positive i dont know...maybe its just a personality thing and we really just arent able to be together or around each other for long ..i dont know. i know that what happened with mommy is a major major thing...different, confusing, but major.. and im just not sure what i think about it..not yet...

the picture at the top..i dont know what year it was taken, i dont know how old i was in it..but it is one of the few pictures of me as a child..and since im not allowed to really have any of mommys pictures..i just took a picture of the picture..and so now i have it..i look at the picture and feel nothing though..i know its me..duh it looks like me..but it feels as if im looking at a stranger..that i dont know the little girl in the picture..i dont like that..i really dont ..

Home home home

Yeah ready to move on. It's been ok I guess a lot of half listening and stuff. It's so confusing when she does nice stuff and says almost nice things. I don't know. I have been a little bit sick my throat is killing me but maybe its a sleep issue because I do feel better now that I am sitting up. I don't know. Just been feeling off. And then the Girly issues started and so yesterday I was feeling pretty sick and gross. But I think the new med is stopping it which is what I wanted. So will see.

I head to my brothers today at some point. Early enough that I don't get stuck in traffic Yuck. I don't think ill like driving through charolotte essh. But gotta head to him and well freedom lol. I just feel so trapped and alone here at home . I can't relax. I was fighting the meds hard last night. I wanted to sleep but  being afraid and on edge messed that up a bit and so it took forever.

I got a mani and pedi yesterday. It was weird but the lady was nice and did make me feel comfortable with my feet issues. But it turned out really nice and I am glad I got it done now. My nails are super cool though :) mommy did have some cool stuff for me. I do like the tops and everything. And now I will be able to wear flip flops and not be embarrassed about my feet. And had lunch with her yesterday and everything. So I've done my duty I guess. I talked to her and Hung out and she got me stuff for my trip. And me not feeling well gave me a levity excuse for laying down early yesterday.

I was able to snag a little time online yesterday but gosh I miss my online stuff. Not being able to write or chat or anything. Essh. It is like being cut off from everything.

Yesterday was not great also because of my car issues and having to buy tires. My vacation money is gone preetty much you know. It sucks . I was almost crying yesterday and this was after I was stopped for my tags being out of date. It was a mess and I did lose it a little bit but was able to calm down and think more as I was at the nail place. Because I was close to tears and just wanted to go home you know.  But instead I went ahead,with the plans for the day. Texted a friend for a bit off and on yesterday but my phone signal is dodgy lol.

So today I will be heading to my brothers. And tomorrow getting on my flight to cancun. I'm ready. I am. But back to laying down For a bit since the sun is not up yet!!!

vacation time !!!!!!!!!!!!

ok now i am excited..im done with work..i passed my doc exam..everything is paid for !!! i am cleared for travel and i am going :) :) i dont care that im going home first..i dont care about anything at all right now..im happy and excited and thats all that matters !!!!

and now to print off some last minute things..finish packing...and heading out ;)

free will..im not so sure i like it...

lets talk about fear...well i would but im afraid..and im feeling very irrational right now...very irrational..and i know this..but still the fear is growing and i feel panicked and nervous and on edge and frustrated..i have not yet reached the point of feeling like i need to punish myself..but if i go according to my usual trail..then yes..give me enough time and i will get around to thinking that .feeling that..deserving that..take your pick..

i dont remember completely what it is that i wrote about earlier this week..but i know it wasnt happiness and butterflies and unicorns...nope far from it...and i was fine writing it..i think i was more pissed off that i didnt feel better after writing the second one but whatever..ok get to the issue..the issue is that in a major major lapse of judgement obviously..i printed off both of the things i wrote and took them with me to see the med doc today..aka courtney...who i do trust..i do..but i need that trust confirmed..Alice has confirmed it and so i can calm myself down when it comes to giving her things i have written and its only been once...i left what i gave courtney today well with courtney for alice..but i also knew that courtney would read it..we have had that convo before because she told me that she read the other stuff ...but ok...once again..a little nervous handing it over..but gave it up.because mainly i knew i was going to walk in and say i was fine and be lying 50 million ways..i actually didnt say i was fine..and i did tell her some of what has been going on this week and with mommy..but im sure that my writing gave way more information into how i was really feeling and what i was really thinking...i was honest about wanting to cut..and not being so sure about handing over my razors..i didnt mention being suicidal though..and i was given my med refill which involved receiving 3 very full bottles of the same medication...now i have already told courtney about my overindulgence in the good ole clonazepan that i really like...and i told her i didnt want her to take that one from me..this is all before leaving her today..i told her about the changes to my meds due to the other chat we had and the drinking convo and all of that...technically ive been disgustingly honest about my less than stellar performance with my meds...but again i was honest and told her .. and so i promised i would not take over the correct amount..and told her exactly how many i was taking..and all that ..told her i wasnt sure about the razors and cutting and all of that..and not once did i mention anything at all about suicide..but anyway..left..went to work..and randomly about an hour after leaving i get a call..and was pretty surprised that it was courtney..cas we had already agreed to her calling me tomorrow to just check in and all of that...but not today..so i wasnt expecting it..i wasnt expecting her to tell me that she had read what i gave her and was concerned..and wanted to be sure i would be safe..especially after gettting so much extra medication..so yeah she called..which at the time only freaked me out a little bit..but now its later and ive had time to think and so its now that i am feel freaked to high heaven..and being majorly irrational and just ugh..i know i need to calm down and i know that i am just a bit freaked and upset..and that im not gonna be in trouble...but my head is not agreeing with me at all..not at all..

for the last gd time

this is really a moot point...it is..but im gonna write it all the same



HOW IN THE HELL HAVE I MANAGED TO GAIN SO MUCH DAMN WEIGHT IN SUCH A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME?????

and no im not looking for an answer to that because i know how..and i even know why..but i dont like it at all..and so yes i have a week of fun because im not going to worry on my trip..but coming back...ugh there will be some changes..this is ridiuclous and i am ashamed of myself and my actions..and even though they were intentional at best they were not good in the slightest..and it is just upseting you know ...i know better..but my thoughts and depression and anxisety got the best of me...ugh...i have slacked off big time with everything lately.and all i lieterally do is eat and sleep and work and lay in bed...fuck fuck fuck -sigh- i know better..i do...and once again there is no one stopping me but myself..and well that can change easily...very very easily...

i do have a plan though...goals...whatever...
all the usual stuff..to force myself to ggget out of bed and out of the house..
i plan on joining the y
i plan on rejoining weight watchers
i plan on listening to my darn docs and not spending all the time in bed

how much ive gained in such a short amount of time is ridiculous....it really is ..but mommy is just gonna have to flip out on me about it some other time...i dont have time for it..i really dont...im not stupid..you know..this is nothing at all new...but its just 10 pounds can make a huge difference you know ..blah

and yeah ..i have no interest at all in being weighed at my doc appt tomorrow ...none at all...i will wait until my nov appt ...to do that again...and go from there....

once again shutting down just led to a lot of thinking

sometimes the world becomes to much to handle..and yesterday was one of those days..mommy got to me and in turn i got to myself..i hated myself..i couldnt figure out what i had done wrong.i forgot how old i was..i forgot everything .. i just knew i needed to listen to obey to do what i was told..

and there are a million and one things wrong with that whole freakin statement..and its only taken me about 24 hours to process through it and figure out that what happened was not ok..and that my shutting down was not ok either..i let what she said affect me so easily..it didnt take much thought at all..in fact i think i stopped thinking period until the conversation was over because all i was hearing was..your not good enough, and do things my way..and so i got off the phone with her and just couldnt deal with myself..i didnt know what to do or think or feel and i was upset and at work and thankfully alone at the time because i was not feeling like i was in much control of myself..i wanted to hurt myself..i wanted to die..i think those where the ending thoughts..really i just wanted to be left alone..to have some peace..its like i cant accept myself becasue she doesnt accept me and it cant be like that..because my life is here..not at home..i cant spend numerous days hiding in bed after one conversation with her because suddenly im overwhelmed and suicidal all at the same time..and then i cant hear what anyone tells me..and so i hide and wait .. and be critical and hateful and harmful to myself..i can trap myself pretty effectively .. i can drive myself crazy with the constant thinking and comparing and anger and sadness...and it takes just one stupid little conversation to set off hours worth of not okayness..that i just couldnt work through..i couldnt think through it..i couldnt deal with it..and so i just made it go away..and slept..again slept away almost a whole day...skipped work because i was afraid to face the world..afraid to deal with anyone..afraid to have to talk or manage or be around anyone..and the problem is that when my mood is like this or when i am feeling like this...i just dont care..i could be one day away from being fired and i just dont care at all..if i feel like i am safe at home then nothing short of a natural disaster is going to get me out of my house...and yes i knew after a couple hours of nothing this morning that i was just flat out feeling sorry for myself..that i was making it worse..i may not have started it but that doesnt mean i had to let it  go on for so long..and of course now i can see that and say that..but yesterday it wasnt happening..yesterday that thinking didnt work..yesterday i could have crashed my car and died and my only concern would have been wondering if mommy was gonna be mad at me..crazy isnt it..

it is really hard to just explain to someone  else why it is that i am so not ok with going home and being home..and being around mommy or talking to her..i dont want to hear about how much she has done and how much i should be grateful for..i cant stand when ppl/family do that..i have never once said i was ungrateful for anything ... but the cost of being grateful and accepting comes at such a high price..and i get tired of having to pay..i get tired of being yelled at..and i get tired of being afraid of the old stuff..how can i explain that if im at home in a room with mommy that i have to stay by the door or i need to have a way out or i will freak..that i refuse to look at her because she can judge me with just a look and wont have to say anything..but i go back and forth home..less now than before...but still home..and it is going home that is driving my irrational stuff to the brink...i know im being paranoid and irrational and stupid and ridiculous and all sorts of things ..but my head believes it..and so i believe it..and i worry still about being hit or hurt or yelled at..i told alice going home makes me suicidal .. i think she is the  first person i actually said that too..i dont remember..but the worrying about going home makes me crazy..i have to have the entire thing thought out..i have to know exactly how long i will be there..exactly how long i will be expected to talk ..and what i will be expected to do..i have to figure out what to wear..how to be..i have to have it all planned out or i wont survive..and my thinking will overwhelm me...i dont think i travel with my razors..but i do know i have some..whether they go anywhere with me is still up for debate... i willingly destroy myself just so that i can deal with her destroying me..i have to go back to the basics of living because thats all that matters..i have to be able to turn myself off so that i dont react..so that i can last through whatever it is that goes on or what is said..everything i may have learned inbetween times going home..any measure of self confidence or self assurance goes out the window..and i am still that scared little kid who has to follow the rules..and of course knowing i am breaking the rules by talking to alice and courtney freaks me out more when it comes to this time of year and home and all of that...i cant sleep for the next two and a half months..i cant ignore the world for that long..well i can but im not supposed to do that...might as well put a stamp on my forehead that says certifiably crazy ...

such is life..miserable and sad and just nothing..i know what it takes to get through..but how can i explain it to anyone else? oh yeah by the way..i have to cut because it  calms me down? right...now is when i have to be careful..much more careful with having meds around..and having other things around...the need to be numb or empty begins to outweigh everything else..and i know its starting..it always starts around this time..when suddenly the world becomes a much scarier place..and i am stuck..no moving forward but a lot of moving backwards...a lot of pain and remembering and dealing that i dont want to do..

ive long since forgotten the whole point of why i felt the need to write..i dont think i meant for it to be about this..im pretty sure i had something else in mind but ive forgotten what it is now...but the screaming and what not doesnt stop in my head..it never stops..screaming to be heard..screaming to be helped..screaming to be seen..but nothing gets out..and i end up silent ..and waiting..and quickly losing hope in everything and everyone..

not sure if i feel better or worse..but im going to sleep ..

thoughts..not in a good place

i nneed to write..really need to write becuase i am feeling on the edge of the abiss .. i want to run, hide, scream, disappear..everything is to hard..im going crazy..and its all based around going home..this is how it goes..this is how bad things happen..she gets into my head and i cant let it go..i cant let her go..i cant get rid of her words..i doubt myself and my ability..i feel stupid..i feel like a child..and still it just makes me feel so miserable and down and crazy..one conversation with her and im back into suicidal zone..i dont want to be here..i dont want to have to deal with the stress..i dont want to have to worry if i am wrong or stupid or messed up..i dont want to hear what she thinks of me or what she wants of me..i cant do this..i dont want to do this..and this is just the beginning of the down hill spiral..i know im at the beginning of one but i cant let go ..i cant get out of it..i believe i want to die in the end..my need to escape and find peace outweighs my good sense and then i just end up confused..and lost ..and upset..i want to hurt..i need to hurt..i believe i need to be punished..that i deserve to be punished because i just keep messing up..keep screwing up..im not good enough..even now im not good enough..there is still some way to make it better..to become more than me..this is when nothing at all works..nothing helps..and i am lost in his dark place and i cant find a way out..there feels like there is no way out and im trapped in my own head..and i want to die because im afraid..because i cant not think about the past and then the past gets confused with the present and i dont remember..im not hit now .i was hit before..im still yelled at now and called names now..just like before..but the words are what i cant escape..the keep me afraid..the fear of being hit keeps me obident..the fear of rejection keeps me going home and hoping that each time it will finally be better than the next time..that some how this will be the time when i am good enough..when  i will be loved and wanted..and it doesnt happen..and its just me continuing to set myself up for failure..because if i fail then i have a reason to hurt..becuase my thinking gets all screwed up and nothing makes sense and hurting is how to make it all stop..and that is all i want..i want it to stop..i want a break..from myself..from everything..and i just dont want to deal with anything..i dont want to be around anyone..i dont want to have to talk..i will be trapped forever in my silence and no one will know..that was always the important thing..no one could ever know something was wrong.and i guess i could go back into that..survival mode.just getting through the day..i think its already started considering how much ive been sleeping lately..if i sleep i dont have to think..i dont have to deal..there is nothing to fight for..there is nothing that holds me here..why cant i have my escape? im not hurting anyone..im not doing anything to hurt anyone else..when will ppl figure out that i am nothing..a waste..a nobody..who would notice if i was gone..who would even care?
maybe its good that i will sleep soon..i cant deal tonight

scared !!!!

holy crap...at this time next week i will be on vacation..i will be at home or heading to charolotte...i will be out of richmond..away from everything and everyone !! like suddenlt its incredibly real and scary and omg what am i going to do ?!?!?!?!  i have to pack...i have to prepare..i have to pack...essh ...omg what am i going to do...

i feel really sick all of a sudden ..

deep breaths... i can do this..

deep breaths ...i cant do this ..what am i thinking?!?!?

wtf am i doing

now its to late to change my mind..but my fear has suddenly picked up a million fold...

gotta remember to  breath before i pass out!!!!

goodbye

you know i keep being reminded that i have to come back from vacation...is there a list going aronud that has bets on whether or not ill return??!! i dont know..maybe part of me really doesnt want to return you know...just leave and go and live somewhere else..and this is prolly my fogged up brain talking really ..i know i have to come back..i do..just sometimes i cant help but wonder why..

trip details a little bit...

so i saw the pdoc today..and well i was honest with her..i told her about the night i overmedicated extremely..and we didnt really chat about it long..but i let her know that i wasnt suicidal at the time..and i wasnt ..and it hasnt happened again.. i got new scripts and all that good stuff...and we talked about my trip and life and whats going on..and its not the same as talking to alice ..but it was nice being able to just unload a little bit you know..we talked mainly about safe topics though..

but one thing that did come up is my vacation and drinking....see im on quite a bit of medication for physical and mental stuff..and im pretty positive that drinking and meds do not go together at all..and with one of my meds..i was told specifically today to.well i was heavily advised to stop the med while on the trip if i am going to be drinking ..because it can cause seizures.the med and alcohol..and i dont have a problem with that..i knew to be careful but with the seizure thing its like ok well not gonna take that one..normally if i know i am going out and will be drinking i dont take my head meds for the day..im not that stupid..mixing uppers and downers and alcohol..oh hell no....so for the trip my meds will be changed a little bit..i mean ill be in a positive enviroment and with yvonne ...so maybe ill be able to manage the few days without the meds..and if not then ill know very quickly what i can and cant manage concerning the meds..so im supposed to start decreasing the welbutrion and stop it once i leave..so yeah will see how it goes...

hmmm let me get up and start doing something...i suddenly have the major urge to change my room around..and its been bothering me..so yeah its gonna happen..but to change it ive got to clean it first and that means tackling laundry and all sorts of other things...crud...but i need to get up and do stuff..i really do...

overeating

im really thick sometimes

lately my eating well the eating in general has been off the charts..majorly overeating and what not...and then i have been sleeping a lot..and doing a lot of laying down and stuff and it annoys me..because for the past 3 days ill eat a big meal and then sleep..no meds ..no nothing..just lay down and go to sleep...and really it took until today for me to figure out that i am falling asleep when i am feeling really full...well in some instances im falling asleep when im really full...and that means that im not paying attention to what im eating..and i know im not..but for whatever reason i just wasnt connecting the dots until today..and its like eating and laying down is not good..duh me..but also binging out on fast food and laying done is so much worse...tomorrow i will go to work if it kills me darnit...but as for today..again another day where i have done nothing at all you know..and i get so annoyed with myself when i dont do anything during the day...i did go and talk to my pdoc and that made me feel a little bit better..but its not the same as talking to t...but i know that as the weeks go by my anxiety is getting higher..and so just trying to deal you know..but just a lot of worrying and stress and anxiety going on right now..a lot to do and instead of doing it i am just laying around wasting time and wondering why i dont want to do anything..its not all depression..some of it is just plain being lazy...not all of it..but some of it...and that is going to completely need to change..i know a healthy diet and exercise and all that is supposed to help with like having energy and what not..and for health reasons im not supposed to be eating a lot of carbs anyway..but that are the things i choose to ignore you know...but i cant sleep my life away for a cheeseburger and fries...if im going to sleep then darn it let it be for a good reason and not because i just freakin ate to much.. just annoyed..and having some inside arguments...blah

just a little sad ...

every so often i think about the church thing and whether or not i want to go back...and the thing is i do want to go back..not to hear what is being preached but just to be around some of the ppl that are there.that i have lost contact with..that i miss..but getting a few needs met is not enough to allow me to let go of the hurt that i did experience there..ok  crap there is one person that i miss the most..and the relationship that iwant with her is not just friends..i have her mixed up in my mind about my issues with mother figures..and i know this..and so not being around her is a good good thing..but at the same time not being around her causes a different kind of hurt..a different kind of loneliness..i miss her..i miss her a lot and it hurts that i cant talk to her or be around her anymore..

“Time's passage through the memory is like molten glass that can be opaque or crystallize at any given moment at will: a thousand days are melted into one conversation, one glance, one hurt, and one hurt can be shattered and sprinkled over a thousand days. It is silent and elusive, refusing to be damned and dripped out day by day; it swirls through the mind while an entire lifetime can ride like foam on the deceptive, transparent waves and get sprayed onto the consciousness at ragged, unexpected intervals. ”
― Gloria Naylor, The Women of Brewster Place

on the way to shut down mode

As much i as try to not shut down..i do believe i am in the middle of shutting down..litterally...and i know its happening..its just that each day i just feel like talking a little bit less and sleeping a whole lot more..work is a good distraction but even with that i have to remind myself that i can not fix their problems..be supportive and as helpful as i can yes..but fix them no...and ive been thinking about that a lot this weekend in relation to one of my clients..and as much as i want to fix things for her..i just cant and it makes me sad...but i have to remember that i have my own stuff to deal with..so i have to seperate and make sure i stay seperated...
it helps that one of my clients is out of toown for a couple weeks...it will lighten my load just a bit..

things are ..well im more anxious lately..and i know its a mix of no therapy..going home..going on vacation..money or lack there of..and im tired..not in a really suicidal way but im just tired...there is so much that i need to do and so much of a lack of money that i dont know what to do...and the holidays brings its own sort of stress...and im just worrying a lot again..meds be darned..im worrying..

i have two weeks now until i go on vacation and im terrified...you would think that i would be thrilled ..but no im terrified..i doubt my ability to manage things on my own..and so yeah im having all sorts of issues with the whole flying by myself and what not..i know i can do it..but i am just scared...and not only that but i am completely going to not care and wear what i want and go swimming and not avoid stuff just cas of my scars...thats stupid..and ive spent to much money on this trip to not have a good time...i mean im ok at home wearing sleeveless stuff and what not...but ive never really done it around other ppl..and that is what scares me ..but i keep being told that other ppls reactions isnt my concern..and im trying hard to get that to stick in my brain..i am..but still i worry so much and care so much more for other ppls feelings and what not...but this is about me and what i want..scars or no scars...i am tired of hiding you know..im tired of being afraid to go swimming or wear something sleeveless because of the scars...away from my work life...this is purely personal life issues you know...with work its different..that technically in professional mode...but in my own life i can do what i want..wear what i want..say what i want..knowing good and well i dont do any of that..but the option is there lol..

but you know there is just a lot going on right now..and feeling stuck with not being able to really talk about it..and need t and she is not here and that throws me off big time..and i know im able to see courtney next week but still its not the same..

and im not even going to get into the mess that is rent this month..i hate the late charges..but this month it just cant be helped...ugh...

so just a bit frustrated .. ok a lot frustrated...


but i counted today..its been 77 days with no cutting...

i should prolly start tracking the b/p ..but i dont know about that one...but the no cutting i am tracking..because as i move into the last months of the year ..knowing i go downhill really fast this time of year..im trying to stay strong..stay stable..stay something...who knows maybe ill get out of all family visits this year..that would be fun...

cas i already said im not going anywhere for thanksgiving..ill stay home cas of traveling in oct..and christmas may or may not happen ..but all those plans are up in the air..and going to yvonnes is an option..so that is cool too...so yeah will just have to see...but for now...for now i just need to get through the next week weeks..and then everything will just sorta happen at once i think...essh

wants..needs..comfort

and now i know that there is a back lash from seeing kathy...

good yesterday..hugs and care and support

today..angry and upset and mad and sick..and the kids want kathy and this makes me so annoyed cas it reminds me of a situation that i dont like..and i know im not dependent on kathy..im not..and i can manage without seeing her..but seeing her just brings up so many other thoughts and feelings and wants..and its hard to let them go..but have to let them go..cas cant literally attach to kathy..really cant but its like the kids are jut hurt that she is not a steady presence anymore.. i dont know

well since im already mad...might as well say what i want too

lets have a freaking conversation about personal responsibility...

and i am trying hard to control myself and my anger but its just not working right now..but i also have no need to apoligize in my own damn blog for anything i feel like saying.

the funny thing is that normally i dont curse.. it embarrases me a lot...but right now im ready to curse out anyone who looks at me the wrong way..im just pissed off..at everything and at nothing ..

and its like once i get this way everything that has bothered me recently comes pushing to the forefront of my mind and i just get quickly overwhelmed and bothered and pissed and angry..because i also know that once the anger passes..depression will set in hard and fast..

i wnat to just scream at everyone. i want to be alone and i want it to be quiet. 

i dont want to have to deal with anyone or anything or life or death or work or people or the cats..nothing.  i want absolute silence and nothingness...and i think that is the part i miss most about the cutting...i cant escape into nothingness anymore..im stuck in reality..im stuck in this world when all i want to do is escape it..because it hurts to much..because it sucks being sad all the time..because i dont like feeling so angry and upset..and i feel the need to be mean and push ppl away from me and just say anything and everything..and so it is just best to avoid ppl right now...for safetys sake..theirs not mine...i know how far ill go..but someone else doesnt..

im supposed to feel..well fuck me cas i dont want to feel a god damn thing.  i dont want to feel another fucking emotion..i dont want to be sad or anxious or worried or stressed out or scared or panicky..i dont want to have to deal with any of that..i just want to be locked away from everyone so that i dont hurt anybody..

i dont want to care.
i dont want to be here
i want to hide
and
go away
and
just have quiet
is that so freakin much to ask for????


crapola i have a killer headache and yes screw personal responsibility because its a waste of time..and this had nothing at all to do about it

whatever

oh bloody hell

i really wanted to say oh fucking hell but i didnt..well i guess i did but whatever..

im suddenly feeling incredibly pissed off and tired and frustrated and just ugh..i dont know...

out of no where im just thinking about my conversation from yesterday and realizing that yeah it is moving into the holiday season ..and i truly am at my most down/suicidal during this time..just because of all the expectations..the rules to follow..the need to be good and obedeint and all of that..and it makes me mad..cas i know what it going to happen..the same fucking thing that always happens..last year sucked royally...big time sucked..suicidal sucked..never going home again sucked..it just wasnt good..and my conversation yesterday with kathy touched on that 'my hard time' is coming up and it makes me want to scream...and i just feel stuck..and trapped and uupset..and for no good reason..after vacation what am i going to do with myself??  i found out that i do still have my razors..and that i do know where they are..some things never change do they??? everything is still hard and miserable and sucky and im just stuck all in the middle of it and cant find a way out..and that makes me feel so so so mad...im constantly having to remind myself to relax..and im not taking my sleeping meds as punishment for not doing my work..so that im sleeping but not really sleeping..like ive been once again since 4am..and so now im tired and wanting to so to sleep and i cant because technically i have to go to work..and just ugh...im mad and annoyed.. and a bit pissed off and i know my anger is coming from somewhere that im not allowed to tap into ..and i also know that without cutting it is going to have to run its course..but its just not helping at all that i am feeling so very pissed off and upset...fuck

another quote

“Sometimes it's just so unbearable and it's like this feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin. It's like I have to keep busy because if I stop, even for just one minute, all I can think about is how badly I'm hurting.” -Andie McPhee

today...

well today was a doc day pretty much...saw the med doc and my bp meds are changing a little bit..because i my bp is still pretty high..so a change in that and also adding on some sinus/allergy meds...my a1c is still at 6.7 so that is good..its down from 9.7 from oct of last year..but i do need to put a little more effort into diet and exercisse and all that...but yeah a fine doc appt and i got a flu shot..and the doc and lab tech was nice enough to let me get the shot in the room i was in instead of going into the super open and out there lab room...cas of the scars i need more privacy or ill just freak out...so i got that...but i havve to go get my new scripts filled tomorrow and im stuck with the same stupid bc for another few weeks but i had to have an appt made to see the gyno about trying a different type of bc pills...my goal though is to avoid that damn thing at all costs while on vacation....ugh..

but after that i waited a bit and saw t..and actually it was ok...im not feeling as stressed or 'bad' as i was last week..and i did talk to t about last week and how hard it was for me and what happened and everything..and somewhere in the convo we did talk about how i trusted her..and being able to tell her stuff..and feeling nervous about her leaving and lots of stuff...a lot of calmer stuff from her..and a lot of reminding me that therapy is completely my choice..and for the first time i am with a therapist that is there because she wants to...as in she is seeing me for free..and she doesnt have to..but she is..and for some reason that makes things a little bit better ..i am looking at therapy a little bit differently i think...but i will be seeing my med doc nexxt week..and possibly the week after to kinda help me get through the time without the actual t...and i know most ppl only spend like 15mins or so with there med doc..but geepers i get like an hour every time i see her and its scheduled..if its a surprise appointment and just a quick check in then its shorter but i still feel listened too.. and that is a major major thing..i need to feel listened too...but t was all about me making a plan to stay busy while she is away and everything to kinda help with not seeing her...im just hoping it will be ok..and that things will be okay and that i will be able to make it...thats the plan anyway..

and then i left and went back to work and worked for the rest of the day...so i stayed busy..and that helped with keeping my thoughts from going overboard..or underboard..

so things are feeling ok today..all things considered ...tired and drained but still ok

current life...major stressed

ok trying to return to reality here...

you know yesterday i figured out that i have the most clients out of all the counselors..i have 5 ...where has the others are anywhere between 2 and 4..and im not even sure about the 4 one..it may be 2 -3 ..but somehow i have 5??? how in the hell did that happen?? i mean i love my clients i do..and i find it hard to even think about having one switch to someone else..but really i have the most?! essh and currently one of my clients is running me ragged..and im trying not to complain because i know that i will be missing a whole week of work soon..and im gonna need the extra hours you know...but geez im tired...

and today is reg doc and therapy....really need to talk to the therapist about the whole break down thing last week..and i guess developing a plan for her long stay out of town will be in order..but my pdoc already said i could come and talk to her if i really needed someone to talk too..so i have an appt to see her next week..which will be helpful i think cas i do like talking to her..well talking to both of them..and i think i have an appt scheduled with my old t for one of these weeks and i really should find that out..cas its been awhile since ive seen her..and prolly need to see her..or at least go and pay on the bill..blah

still no s/i since 7/22...i dont think ill be forgetting that date for a good long time..thanks to what happened but the b/p is picking up again..damn...cant win for losing it seems...

but this is one of those months where money is just not working out.and so im worried about bills a lot right now...an not able to pay rent until the middle of the month..and trying to keep money for the trip and just..ugh..trying to do what i can you know..but its hard..and the extra fees for late rent kill me ..ugh..but the smaller bills need to get paid cas if not then stuff is getting turned off and i dont like that..and i know i can pay on the 15th..but its just a pain you know..having to worry so so much about it all...its freaking me out because i just keep thinking and worrying and ugh .. i realize i was going through a bad time for this particular pay period..but it still bites..seeing that my check was not enough to get everything done..and plus having to pay back mommy for borrowed money immediately...so just dont have the money...but not having the money is possibly getting me out of going home this weekend which has calmed some things down inside at least...because now it is all pushed back to the weekend of our trip..and so it will all have to get taken care of them..but then i cant really stay at home either cas of having to get to where im leaving from..so its gonna be a lot of running around that weekend before leaving..a lot of driving for sure...and im super scared and worried about my car...like literally..i was told that my tires are bald..whatever that means..but pretty much i need new tires..i cant afford new tires right now..but now im so nervous driving my car you know..especially with having clients in my car and all of that..and that has me feeling really freaked out..with all the driving i do..i need to get new tires not used..cas im forever driving..but new tires are so freakin expensive...ugh...and im quickly moving into i hate life mode so im gonna stop...

deep breaths..and calm down...cas right now there is not much i can do...so the hope is to get as many hours as i can..so that ill have the extra money coming in through the holidays which is its on source of stress and what not...but trying not to focus on that right now...to much is currently in my head to worry about the holidays and expectations right now...

besides this is going to be a good week.. gosh i hope this is going to be a manageable week..we are seeing kathy tomorrow and going to the fair (for work of course) on thursday if the weather holds..so something to look forward too ... just gotta remember that ..

ok ive rambled on enough...time to get back to finishing my late paperwork of course...

crud

not cutting

but am b/p

not sure its a fair trade off

-sigh-