ramblings

today has been ..i dont know how to really describe today..i mean it wasnt a bad day..it wasnt..for the majority of the day i was feeling ok..there was a little time when i started to feel out of energy..tired and cranky and a little sad...but it passed..i had to work to contain my irritability...i really did at times with a couple clients..but i did and it ended up being ok..i actually came home and cooked dinner..a big thing for me lately!! and then i actually called kathy and talked to her :) which did make me feel happier..and i know that when i see her i will get a hug..and im trying to be patient..i really am..but darn it i wish she was still at the office..but i did tallk to her so ill take what i can get..its not like i can make her come back..i dont know how many times ive asked her to come back..but ok..umm ive not really thought much about what i wrote earlier..i guess im thinking about it..still woondering about it..wondering what is different..wondering why now you know...why not years ago??  so much could have been avoided..i could have joined the world of the living so long ago..but its now that things are changing..now when i have found support and care and love..a steady supply of it..am i able to see that things can be different..that things can be ok..has everything in my life led me to now?  right here? have things happened as they are supposed to?  did i need to have the hurt and pain and all of that to understand where i am at now? i want to say how unfair it is..but thats the way it happened..kathy says that forgiveness is key..forgivness for me not for them..for me..and well i think that for me..i need to accept before i can forgive..i need to be able to speak what has happened..speak it honestly..feel it..know it..let it go..and then i think ill be in the place to forgive...im not rushing it..i dont think i can..ive tried and nothing good has come of it..nothing at all..so yeah..overall i have been calm today..my mood has been ok i think..but well eating an actual dinner has made me feel tired ..darn ... cas i have a butt load of notes to get done..yikes

so just some rambles..nothing very thrilling ..

there comes a time when you have to admit that you need help ...i guess this is my time

IT IS NOT FAIR THAT BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD I AM FORCED TO FIGHT AND STRUGGLE TO JUST GET THROUGH THE DIE WITHOUT HARMING MYSELF OR TRYING TO DIE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I AM STUCK DEPENDING ON OTHERS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID TO TRUST MYSELF. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I DONT SEE MYSELF CLEARLY AND THAT MY OPINIONS OF MYSELF ARE SO WARPED AND DANGEROUS AND MESSED UP. ITS NOT FAIR THAT THE ONLY THING I CAN DO TO LET GO OF THE PAIN IS TO CUT AND BURN AND PURGE AND ANYTHING THT WILL HURT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT I AM HURTING. I KNOW SILENCE, I KNOW HOW TO HURT AND NOT SAY A WORD. I KNOW HOW TO HIDE AND PRETEND AND BE IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET GO OR ASK FOR HELP OR BE HEARD. I WANT ATTENTION AND I PUSH IT AWAY. I WANT CARING AND COMFORT AND INSTEAD I ISOLATE AND TELL MYSELF I NEED NOTHING AND NO ONE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BUY AND I KEEP WATCHING AND WANTING BUT NOT FULLY ABLE TO BE IN IT..ITS NOT FAIR THE CARDS I HAVE BEEN DEALT IN LIFE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I WASNT PROTECTED. THAT I WAS HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. ITS NOT FAIR THAT NO ONE SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. NO ONE NOTICED THAT I NEEDED HELP. THAT I NEEDED SOMETHING. NO ONE WAS THERE FOR ME. I WAS LEFT ALONE, I WAS BY MYSELF. MY SILENCE TRAPPED ME AND MY SELF HATE GREW AND GREW. NOW IM ASKED TO CONTAIN IT, TO STOP IT BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS JUST HOW BIG IT IS. HOW MASSIVE IT IS AND HOW EASILY IT TAKES OVER. I KNOW THE HATE. I KNOW THE SELF LOATHING, THE DISGUST, THE VOICES THAT TELL ME I AM NOTHING. I AM WORTH NOTHING. I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. I HIDE BEHIND THE WORDS. I HIDE WITHIN THE WORDS. I HAVE ACCEPTED THOSE WORDS AS TRUTH. NOW IM TOLD THEY ARE NOT TRUE. THEY ARE LIES. THEY HURT ME THEY ALLOW ME TO HURT MYSELF. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BREAK DOWN YEARS AND YEARS OF LIES AND HURT AND PAIN ?  WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN IM NOT SURE OF WHAT I BELIEVE. I HAD PLANS. PLANS TO DIE. PLANS TO RUN AWAY. PLANS TO HIDE. PLANS TO NEVER NEVER SPEAK ABOUT MY PAST.  NO ONE COULD KNOW. NO ONE WAS THERE TO HELP. I COULD MANAGE. I DID MANAGE. ALL IT TOOK WAS CAUSING A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA PAIN AND I COULD GO THROUGH THE DAY. I COULD STOP THE THOUGHTS. I COULD QUIET MY MIND.  I DIDNT SEE THAT I WAS DESTORYING MYSELF.  WHY WOULD I SEE THAT WHEN I JUST WANTED TO DIE?  I WAS NOTHING WORTH SAVING. I WAS NOT WORTH ANYONES TIME OR EFFORT. I DIDNT KNOW THAT ITS NOT OKAY TO HURT YOURSELF. MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW IT.  I MADE MYSELF BELIEVE IT WAS OKAY.  THAT I WAS ONLY HURTING MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE. I DONT MATTER, ITS OKAY IF I DIE. NO ONE WOULD MISS ME. NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. I HATE YOU. I HATE ME. I HATE EVERYTHING. I DONT WANT TO HURT. I DONT WANT TO FEEL SAD AND ALONE AND MISERABLE AND UPSET AND CRAZY. I DONT WANT TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE I AM CRAZY BECAUSE I HAVE SCARS THAT I CANT EXPLAIN. SCARS THAT I DONT WANT TO EXPLAIN. BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. AND THEN PEOPLE ARE AFRAID. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME DIFFERENTLY. I AM BROKEN. I FEEL BROKEN. I FEEL TIRED. VERY VERY TIRED OF FIGHTING AGAINST MYSELF. TIRED OF FIGHTING EVERYONE ELSE FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. I GIVE UP. i just give up. its like having to start over isnt it. except i cant start over from the beginning. i really wish i could. i wish i could just take away all the years of hurt and pain and guilt and shame and fear and tears and wwords..there are so many words that i wish i could just take away and not have to hear..i wish i could have a family that loved me and wanted me and accepted me. i wish i could take away all the scars..both inside and outside. because i think im finally realizing what it is that i have been doing. i worked so hard to hide from the pain. the hurt. the fears. ive never been able to say i was abused. i was hurt. i was used. i was broken. i couldnt say that i was touched, or held  down, or hurt. i couldnt admit that i wasnt able to say no or well im not completely sure if i remember saying no. i couldnt admit that maybe the affection that came with being hurt like that made me not resist as much..i believed i had to do it. i had to do what i was told. i had to be good. i had to do everything possible to be good and stay out of trouble. but trouble kept finding me. i stayed in trouble. i wasnt good enough. i was bad. i stole, i lied, i was awful. no matter how hard i tried it wasnt enough and i kept trying and kept thinking that i just needed to try harder. that there was just something about me that made me so awful and if i could just hurt that part of me then i would be good. i would be loved. i would be wanted and accepted. i am still trying to hurt the bad part of me. im trying to hurt all of me. i know the words now. i tell myself over and over and over just how awful and bad and messed up i am. i say i deserved it, i blame myself for my short comings. for things that happened. it was all my fault. i deserved it. i didnt follow directions. i didnt do what i was asked to do..why did i have to fight so much. until i stopped fighting and i believed everything i was being told. i had to fight the urge to defend myself. i had to stop reacting. i had to see that i was awful. i had to because then that made it okay. it made what happened ok. it didnt matter what i thought or wanted or anything. if i was told i was bad then i was. if i was in trouble for something then i had done it..i could empty my head..i did empty it because then there was all this extra space to take in all of it..all of the mean words, all of the hurt..i had to lock myself away from anything that gave me attention. i was locked away from myself because i couldnt deal with anything. i think that i am still locked away some where. maybe not as firmly as before..but still i am trying to protect myself from being hurt..from being used..i dont want to become any more broken..there is no more room in my head to deal with that..ive never been able to completely tap into the pain and hurt and fear. i go around it. i hide from it. i pretend its not there. and then i end up confused when someone else tells me that they hurt for me. that they are angry for me. why do they feel these things and i dont ? i dont understand why it is that no one agrees with me when i say i am just bad and awful.  things that make sense to me do not make sense to other people.  what i believe makes sense to no one but me..and it is rather easy for others to poke holes in my beliefs and tell me that it is not true. there has been safety, a very weird and warped sense of safety..but safety all the same with hiding within my dysfunction.  i dont not walk around playing the victim but i tend to demand things from others that they may not be able to give..i transfer my feelings and needs onto people and then tend to drain them completely..i dont mean to but my ability to give and feel and all manners of positive relationship things are a bit messed up..i want from them but i dont want to give anything in return..i want my childhood back..i want parents. i want to feel protected and safe. sometimes im afraid that my desires will lead me to being in situations that i am not in control of. i end up pushing people away. isolating so much that no one knows me..i want to be forgotten and hate when i am forgotten. i want attention and hate when i have it. i want to be touched in a lot of different ways but will only accept hugs from some people..i have to remind myself that i am not going to be hurt. that im not going to be expected to do anything in return..i still become afraid though. im afraid of people who hold power over me. im afraid of men in general..and have recently been told that its not fair to group all men in one category..i can be polite and speak when im expected to but then i shut down. im really good at shutting down. im good at disappearing into my head and just not being present..if i am afraid. or  scared or sad. my need to be in control of myself is so strong that i cannot break for anyone..i cannot let anyone see me vulnerable because that causes me to feel anxious and scared and i tend to do not so good things when im feeling exposed in some way.  things are never about me..never about what i want..or need..its about what others need from me..what others want from me..what others have to say about me..how others see me..how am i supposed to know who i am when ive never mattered enough to figure it out..

this is different. this feels  different. writing this. im not upset anymore..sad yes. but not dangerous sad..just sad.  i think the part of all of this that i have missed..like the whole healing/recovery scope of things..is that i have to feel all of this..i have to feel it and acknowledge it to be able to let it go..and maybe the goal is that each time it will be easier..that each time it will hurt a little bit less..that each time ill be able to pick up the broken parts and let them fit back together..i have to acknowledge the hurt and all of that instead of ignoring it and pretending it is not there..i have to feel it inorder to be able to move past it..the build up of all of it is not going to magically go away..i may really it to be like that..but its not going to work like that. and i will stay where im at..neither moving forward or backwards. im not completely sure what to do with all of the feelings/emotions/thoughts..im afraid i wont be able to handle them..and i guess that is where the support thing comes in..i have to be to ask for support and help and encouragement..and i have to know that it is okay to ask for those things..i also have to come to terms with the fact that this isnt going to change over night..oh i really really want it to..but i have to be honest and know that its not going to happen that way..i have been really worried about not being able to deal with all of this..all of the past stuff..all of the emotions and feelings that come with all of the past stuff..but i can deal with it or not but all of it is still there..and it will come out eventually in some form or fashion..and if im not ready to deal with it then i will die..or go crazy..well crazier..but its like i have to prepare for what will come and what will happen..i guess thats the goal of like therapy and everything..to be able to figure out how to deal with all of this stuff without it becoming so overwhelming and consuming and not letting it completely destroy me..not letting it destroy me anymore..which also means that i have to keep letting linda help and well let her know that i do need help..is this what it feels like when you have to reach that place that lets you know that you really cant do this on your own? i do feel a bit dejected..defeated in a way..like i tried for so long to keep it together..to show that i could manage..and in that i think i was refusing everyones help..oh i would go to them to talk to them and hear what they had to stay..but i think i still thought i was supposed to do it on my own..and being told that the choices were up to me..that i had to decide didnt help matters at all..but maybe that was just my mind twisting things around..there is a difference in accepting help and assistance and guidance..i still have to make the decision to do whatever it is that i am going to do..but i dont have to stand there alone ..its not me against everyone else..its sorta me and the people who support me against the hurts that have caused me to develop some not so great habits and behaviors and coping stuff...i hadnt been able to fully accept that doing this alone was not going to work..and i tried..i tried really hard to prove that i was managing and in control..and i probably would have managed alone until i did end up killing myself in some misguided attempt to find relief..i dont want to die..and not dying is a daily battle that i will have to deal with until i can manage to not feel that i need it anymore.slipping up doesnt mean that i have failed..it doesnt mean that i am have to start over again..it is what it is (omg linda is in my head gosh darnit)..it wouldnt be fair to not know that there will be slip ups and prolly a lot of them..but the important thing is being able to move past them and not go backwards because of them..

im feeling very drained right now..tired..but oddly calm..im not afraid..i want to take a nap though..a long long nap..i hadnt planned to write all of this..but my head had other plans obviously..im not sure right now what it is that i am thinking. maybe im all thought out for the day..yes.. i think that i am all thought out..

this is true..and thoughts on today

"If just one person believes in you. Deep enough and strong enough. Believes in you hard enough and long enough. Before you knew it, someone else would think, "If he can do it, I can do it" Making it two. Two whole people who believe in you. And maybe even you can begin to believe in you too." by Robin and The Muppet Gang

 so saw this today...on facebook of course...sometimes facebook is where i go to feel better about things..about life..since the changes..a lot of people are sharing quotes and pictures and stuff..and i try to snag the ones that i find or that i like and all of that..but a friend had this one posted today and well i do see a lot of truth in it..i dont believe in myself much at all..but sometimes it is helpful to know that there are other people who care and believe in me..and im hoping that at some point i will be able to believe in myself too..i have them until i am able to do for myself...until im able to believe by myself..

yesterday was rather hard...sad...today i woke up in a better mood..but am currently not feeling so great at all..which lets me know that i need to prolly check my sugar..joy..ive got to get better with that..not looking forward to all of the meds either..well next week i think i have like 4 scripts i need to get filled..with a fifth coming on friday..and if i cant afford the pain meds then ill just be sleeping for about 3 days if the pain is bad..but trying not to think about that because it makes me very afraid..so yeah  

but today..im supposed to be writing about today..umm this morning i said goodbye to my little house guest..and it was an okay couple days.but again im glad to have my house to myself..im so tired and i have such a headache..and i really just want some time to myself.its like i need to build up my resources again so that i will be able to manage the next time i have to have company..but i took him home and then i went to church..and i debated the whole way to church..heck i was debating with myself yesterday about if i wanted to go or not..i wasnt sure ..i wanted lady there and she wasnt there..and that made me sad..and so i got there a little bit early..and was just hanging out in the back..i had claimed a seat in the back..where i was safe and could see everyone around me..i was ok there..but goodness there are a few ppl who just refuse to let me get away with sitting in the back..and so i was in the back minding my own business..and one of the usher ladies who checks on me like every single time she sees me..asked if i wanted to move up to the front and sit with the person i was sitting with on wed..and i told her that i wasnt sure..and she left..and so i was just in my own little world again..and then jessica comes along..and she sees me.and says hi and keeps going to her seat..and i kid you not..that less than ten minutes later the usher is back and asks if i want to sit with jessica..and darn it if i didnt move..i was undecisive majorly..but crap im drawn to jessica..and so eventhough i really wanted to stay where i was so that i could hide..no i went and sat with jessica..in the front..and my anxiety went through the roof..i was very scared and nervous and anxious..so so sooooooooooooooooo anxious..i was very close to having a full out panic attack..and i think that having the sides closed off really bothered me..it made the space seem so small and closed in..and i felt like i was just surrounded by people and that i wasnt safe..and well so on and so forth..just wasnt a comfortable experience for most of church today..and well a lot of the men were not in attendence because they had there confrence thing this weekend..and so it was like tons of women and children and the occansional guy..but no where near the number it usually is..but still i was freaking..and so elder spoke today..and i do like listening to her..i think its just something in her voice that draws me in..and holds me there..and well i find it so interesting that when she is up there she preaches with her eyes closed..i noticed that way back when she preached the first time one sunday..well the first time for me..and it was like holy cow her eyes are closed..and well of course i would notice that...haha..but yeah i pointed it out to her today..and she told me that she does do that and that she isnt good with eye contact and stuff and i was like yes..finally someone else who struggles with it and so i have no need to work on it..yeah irrational thoughts popping up really fast..but anyway..so she was preaching and i was just zoning in and out..thinking about what she was saying and mixing up things in my head..and wondering what it is that i want..and what it is that i believe..and i just kept thinking that i am so tired..im tired of fighting with myself..im tired of being sad..imm just tired of everything..and its so hard and i need help..that was my general line of thinking...which is a bit different than it usually is on a sunday during church..but somehow in the jist of all of my thinking and wonderings i got the bright idea to go up and get prayed for...which surprisingly didnt not raise my anxiety..i was scared yes..and incredibly nervous..but i was less anxious than i had been at the start of services..and so i waited..and kinda was having to talk myself up to it.because i was afraid of standing in front ..of like everyone..and when the time came i asked jessica if she would go with me..and well of course she did..she was more than happy to go..while i was a lot more reserved about the whole thing and still feeling nervous you know..but finally i followed her up to the front and completely stopped right at the end of the very first pew and was wondering if i really needed to go any farther..and jessica stood next to me for a second but then she moved around me and moved farther in front and had to motion for me to come and stand next to her..cas again i wasnt so sure about moving..but i got up there..and stood next to her..and had to work really hard to ignore that there were people standing behind me like just watching and so elder came over and i wasnt thinkking of changing my mind..heck i was already up there..might as well go through with it...but i was just afraid..and she asked me two questions..one was what do i want to be prayed for..something along those lines..to which i answered i dont want to die..i mean that is my biggest fear right now..that i will convince myself that its ok..that i really can find peace in death..so i told her that..and then she asked me if i was ready to give myself to god..and i did hesitate on that question..because i wasnt sure..i mean i dont know..i didnt know..but i shook my head yes after a few seconds..i mean again i had to think about a conversation that i had with her a few weeks ago..and she asked what did i have to lose by trying this..by asking god for help and accepting his help..i mean i have tried everything else havent i? what else is there left for me to try?? at the time of course i told her that i would think about it..and i have been thinking about it..i have been thinking about what she said and what lady says and what alisha has told me..and i think about what jessica has told me..and they all believe so fully..so completely..and i look at them and wonder what it is that i am missing..what it is that they are experiencing that i am just not a part of..and i dont understand..but yeah so i answered her questions and then she started to pray for me..and the thing is she had one hand on my forehead and one on my back..andn although it felt weird ..i mean it was ok..but i also had jessica on one side of me and someone else who stood in front of me that i wasnt able to place at the time..because she came later and i didnt see her..but i was prayed for with passion..and again my reaction was minimal..and for a bit i wondered if i had missed something..but i had to stop that and just accept it for what it was..i did feel comforted in some way...i felt quieter in my head..confused a bit also but it was about a different religion question.. and then i got lots of hugs from elder and jessica and alisha and a couple other ppl who names i dont remember at all..i feel bad for not knowing anyones name..i really do..but i was calmer.. jessica told me that she was proud of me..which embarrassed me...elder also told me that me going up to the front was a big step for me..and again i felt a bit embarrassed..like why are they so interested in me..both tell me that they love me..and i think there really is a part of me that just completely soaks up there positive praise and words and all of it..and i may appear to be embarrassed and quiet and all sorts of things..but i am hearing them..i may not understand it all..and i may wonder why..but i do soak it up..because i dont get that praise from anywhere else..its just church and well work sometimes...but outside of that its just not there..oh and linda..cant forget her..and so then i left and came home..but i wanted to write about today..im still going over it in my head..trying to work things out..trying to figure things out..hoping that i am somehow moving in the right direction..i have to believe that im moving in the right direction and that the outcome will be that i will not be afraid anymore.and that i will feel better and feel happier and not want to die..i also cant help but notice that the day i do go to the front for prayer the pastor is not there..the fear of him is a very real and tangible thing..i am afraid of him and i know it is not fair..it isnt..but i dont know what to do about it..

but yes well that was the jist of my morning..it wore me out..im tired...like sleepy tired..not weary tired..im feeling a little bit sick to my stomach and have a headache ..which may be med related..i really dont know..im just not feeling so hot...

my goal though is to work on a bit of paperwork later on tonight so i can get it turned in tomorrow morning and be on about my day..i want to get it done so that i dont have to worry about it anymore... i just want to turn something in you know..if i have to make corrections then i can do that..but gosh getting them in on time has been really bad...and with so many new meds being introduced next week..im gonna need all the advantage i can get...so for now im just laying down and maybe ill read a bit as i wait for my upset stomach to settle down..and maybe sneak in a nap..and then ill get up and completely do paperwork..thats the plan

stuck in the past...

today has been a very hard day..and although i have been babysitting all day..im still feeling very sad and upset..i dont want to hurt myself i dont..but its as if this huge pit of sadness has opened up and im being sucked into it..and i dont know how to get out of it..if i could i just would shut off my head and everything in it..because im tired..i dont want to have to deal with myself today..i dont want to really deal with anything today..and im trying hard to stay patient with the little boy im watching..and we are having quiet time now..ive fed him for like the 6th time today..so yeah its quiet time...

the past stuff though is really pushing at me today..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of mommy..im afraid of being hit and im afraid of being left alone..and i cant seem to figure out which is real and whats not..logically of course i know that i am here and mommy isnt and that im not at home and that im not being hurt..but i think that its happening..i feel thats its just all happening and my feelings of need being overwhelming..because its like suddenly i need my supervisor..i need the pastors wife..i need someone to tell me that i am ok and that im not going to be hurt..and that im safe now..my fears are just being made so much bigger..and im getting stuck with wanting what i cant have..and somehow i inadvertently sent a message to lady about staying with her..and promising to be good..and once i woke up..i apologized for it..and realized that i am just displacing my feelings horribly on her..and its like she has somehow moved into parent role..and i guess i may need to tell her that..cas i was messaging her earlier and telling her that i wanted her to be here..and that i was nervous when she wasnt here..and so im feeling really upset that she is out of town..and its like i have no right at all to feel that..she is an adult and has her own life and can go and do whatever it is that she needs to do anytime she pleases..but i find out about it and its like its a personal blow..and i feel hurt that she isnt here ..and i need her to be here..and she told me that she cant be the only support person and that i need to reach out to others and tallk to others..and i dont know how to tell her that i just want her and no one else..but then she mentioned that you know something could happen to her or she could just not be available ..and yeah that caused more freaking out..because then my thoughts became like omg you cant say that..dont say that..nothing is going to happen to you..i dont want anything to happen to you..and yes i know that im being irrational..i do..but still i cant seem to get a handle on them..and its just going back and forth.wondering about past stuff..confusing it with present stuff..wanting comfort and not able to get it..and just feeling so mixed up and confused today..and my headache is coming back..and im not sure what it is that i want to do..i just keep thinking that i dont want to hurt myself..i cant do that..but i just dont know what it is that i do want to do..or if i want to do anything..i am trapped in my head today..a lot trapped ..

if this is a med induced issue then i hope like heck that it passes quickly..if its not and im just crazy ..well thats something else..but yes..i figured there would be some issues with stopping the med..but goodness..did it have to happen so darn fast..ugh

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

 

 

“We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

a bit long winded

you know i think i may have used this picture before but it makes sense to me...a lot of sense...it is really really very hard work trying to repair years of hurt, pain, fear, brokeness, and not so great habits...i think its the wiating that is making me feel so out of sorts..like i want everything to change right now..i want things to be better right now..i dont want to wait..ive waited for a long long long time..but i guess thats not completely right either...its like im just waiting for things to magically change for me..and i keep being told that i have to make the choice..that i have to figure out what it is that i want..what is it that i want to work for..fight for..and again this is one of those things that keeps coming up and so im thinking that yeah this would be an important thing to think about and consider you know..and still i sit in the middle of so much indecision..and fear..afraid to move forward..sick with fear about moving backwards..and so i seem to just stay in the middle..and i keep looking to other people for the magically answer that will suddenly make things click..and make me see suddenly everything that i have been missing...you know that one time that i do want someone to tell me what to do..no one will darn it?!?! how is that fair?? and so i think about it all the time..wondering what i want..wondering what im doing..trying and giving up all in the same day...its a constant battle to move me my mind away from the negative stuff..and think about other things..if i dont stay completely vigilant then the negative stuff takes over and i end up feeling sad and depressed and lonely..etc .. but staying so vigilant is so tiring too..its so hard..and i do want to give up..i hate that i have to do all of this extra stuff just to feel normal..to be normal..medicine, therapy, talking, sharing, venting, pdocs..ugh..its like a never ending line of things that im supposed to be doing..and i do feel like i am lacking..and that would be a negative thought..instead i should say/think something like ok i am trying my hardest to gain control of myself and what is going on..thats more positive i think...

ive had a major headache for a couple days that i cant seem to get rid of..my head just hurts and im just feeling so tired and out of sorts because of it..i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to hear anyone talking to me and well yeah..all of that...

hmm well yesterday i didnt get to talk to lady at all..like sit down talk..i saw her for a little bit yesterday after bible study..but it wasnt the same..did get a hug from her..and from one other person..and so i think my attention/comfort needs are being kicked into high gear.but yeah no session with her or t this week..so i think my head is a bit full of things..and questions and wondering..but yesterday well before bible study when my head was getting away from me..i did call lady and talk to her a little bit about some of my thinking and stuff..and she encouraged me to go to bible study..she may have told me to go..but i dont remember..i think wanting to see her was the driving force with showing up..but anyway did go..although i do believe i was physically ill from the anxiety :( i hate that happening..its like i get so worked up..and afraid..and then i feel so sick and awful until im actually in the thing that had me so afraid in the first place..but well lady's daughter was waiting for me..hence lady had told her to look out for me..and gosh darn it she was definitely looking out for me..cas she snagged me as soon as i like walked in..and we hung out for a bit waiting for her mom to come but she didnt cas she was still in some meeting ..and of course my head is going crazy and im feeling jealous about her being somewhere without me..but her daughter was ok i guess..she tried to talk to me and i asnwered her sometimes ..but my anxiety about just waiting and being in church was making me feel all over the place and i think i was just having trouble focusing..and she vetoed my idea of sitting in the back of the church..i told her i wanted to sit in the back..i told lady i wanted to sit in the back..i explained that the front made me feel anxious and like everyone was looking at me..and etc..and of course they both said no..they said that the more i sat in the front then the more i would get used to it...i really wasnt to fond of that little plan..but sit in the front i did..well i was in the 3rd row on the side..and was really freaked and uncomfortable..partially due to being in the front..and partially due to what the topic was...heh the topic was self talk and how it affects you, how it happens..etc and so forth .. and so yep i was like you have got to be kidding me..and well the conversation that went on was helpful i guess..i think..it had funny moments and it made sense you know..about how negative stuff kinda just happens and how hard it is to work towards being positive and how the negative could cause other problems like health problems and mental problems and stuff..so again it was one of those things that i prolly needed to hear big time..but my nervousness did cause me to kinda zone out at times when it felt like i was just like wearing a huge flashing sign that said look at me..i have issues..ugh..but sat through it with lady's daughter..and after it was over..i was just sitting there and she asked how i thought it was and everything..which led to a completely different conversation about how i was feeling and how i was thinking and so on and so forth..and her daughter shared some of her story with me..and told me that she could relate to some things i was dealing with like the negative thoughts and negative self talk and fear and anxiety..and i listened to her..i tried to listen to her..she again gave me the speech about making the choice to feel better, to fight for myself..and we had a conversation about how suicide is a ticket to hell..and i dont want to go to hell..i dont want to keep hurting..i just want to be happy..but i think the question that keeps coming up is just how hard am i willing to work to get it..how hard am i will to fight for it..how much am i willing to change and grow and get what it is that is waiting for me..whatever that may be..and she talked to me and told me a lot of different things..which makes me really wish i could remember things better..but yes i stayed with her and all of that..and soon after that left to go home..but one of the things that was mentioned last night in bible study was that the more a person tries to hide..the more visible they are..which irks me so much lol! i try to hide..i do hide..but yeah..major uncomfortableness at a lot of different points during the service...and then at the end when i was just sitting with ladys daughter and talking about my fears of being watched and stuff..and her daughter so nicely pointed out that i was not being watched and that no one was paying any attention to me..but that i was staring down everyone else..which i immediately realized i was doing..i was just sitting and watching everyone talking and stuff..and i didnt mean to stare..i just needed to see where everyone was..what everyone was doing..ugh im so very weird.. but yeah that was yesterday..

completely came home and took a little to much of the sleep meds...i was completely out of it this morning trying to wake up..wont be doing that again..it wasnt a suicide attempt or anything..i just wanted to sleep and not wake up a million times during the night..but yeah..well i slept..thats for sure..

and then this morning ..hmm well this morning i had an appointment to see a new pdoc...and i made it to the appointment just in time..but with the first meeting she asked all the background questions and what not..and she was ok to talk with ..it was hard as it always is have to talk about my background and my issues and what im doing and working on and all of that..i dont like doing that...and so we talked about my medicine and how i had been feeling and everything...and well there has been another change to my meds..the doc pointed out that the wellbutrion could be making me feel more anxious..and the thing is i have been more anxious lately you know..but i wasnt thinking it was a med issue..so the new plan is to stop the wellbutrion and adding in clonazepan...to help with the anxiety ..with the hope that once im feeling less anxious about everything then i will be more able to talk and work on other things and get the full effect of the other meds..but also stopping the trazadone because of the sleep effects of the clonezapan ..so yeah will see how it goes...because the other option would be to try zoloft..so yeah..hoping it will help..i dont like the med changes..i dont ..but i just feel like i will make more progess if i can get my mood stabilized..just let me get settled in that way and i think with less worrying and anxiety i would be able to think and process things and not feel so afraid of like everything..but the really unnerving thing was that i saw the pdoc today..talked to her for over an hour..and im positive i looked at her a couple times maybe..but because of what we were talking about my eye contact was exceptionally bad..but we set up an appointment before i left and then i went and checked my schedule and had to go back in to reschedule. and well the dude went and got the pdoc for me..and i swear that when she came up to the front i didnt recognize her at all..i didnt know who she was..and wouldnt have answered her if she hadnt asked me about the appointment time..i was freaked and forgot what i  had even come in to tell her you know..i mean i truly did not know her..it was like she was this entirely new person was standing in front of me..but i swear i had just talked to her..for a freakin hour i talked to her..and then i couldnt even recognize her?!!?!  it was very unsettling..very :( but anyhoo i have the script for the new meds..but cant get them filled until next week after getting paid..and yeah..also was able to find out that i can get my effexor through them again at no cost..but it will take a little while for them to come in..so yeah that will be really helpful..due to how expensive that darn medicine is...but yeah am hoping that it will even me out and all of that..

and so yeah..thats been the past couple days i think..the weather has been pretty irky..rainy and wet and chilly..the chilly part i am fine with lol..the rain i could do without...and im helping someone out this weekend and babysitting for friday and saturday..i dont mind..i really dont.cas im going to really assume that the kid can keep himself entertained lol..i mean yes he talks a lot but i dont mind that at all..so it will be an interesting day and a half at least..im hoping to find something free to take him to do on saturday..and it will get me out of the house ..so will try to find something..i wish i did have money so that we could go out and do something fun and spend money lol..but nope..no money at all..so yeah it will be no like eating out or anything ..so just a quiet day im hoping for..well as quiet as a day can be with a small kid..

but yeah im trying to take it easy this evening..my head is still bothering me a lot..im not really tired per say..but im just trying not to do anything to aggravate my head anymore..

hmm made chicken quesadilla  for dinner..turned out quite good :)

ok i guess thats all of my rambling for today...

just another day...

i dont know how to even describe today..i think a lot of the day was spent in shut down mode..just doing enough to manage i think..just enough to get by..i struggled against just giving up and going home..calling it quits on everything for today and just coming home..all i wanted to do was sleep..and hide..

i did work this morning..and into the afternoon..and then i ended up going to the office to work on paperwork..although it was at that moment that i was really struggling with the need to hide and just give up on everything..i got a message letting me know that i wont be able to talk to lady tomorrow..:( and it was like my whole world just kinda dropped..i know that maybe im over reacting..and maybe im looking into all of this to much..i dont know..but i just had a hard time dealing you know..i was upset and hurt and sad and my head was not in a good place at all..and so yeah i was struggling ..but instead of going home i did go to the office..i figured it was safer there..i wouldnt be alone there..and although i was majorly distracted and struggling i did get a portion of my work done at least.which was something..and when i reached a point of not being able to handle anyhting else i just stopped and turned in what i had...and i came home and just crashed..i wanted to sleep but instead i read for a couple hours and then my head kinda rejoined the real world..im a bit more alert but still really tired..i think not sleeping so well is affecting me..and im going to take my meds soon and just get a full nights sleep..

i mean yeah im still really sad and out of sorts and feeling like there is so much pressure in my head..i am feeling a lot like i have no one to talk to..im freaked out a bit..ok a lot..but im no longer in danger of hurting myself..those thoughts have passed and i have passed into numb shut down phase..but i am not thinking of anything dangerous...im just tired you know..worn out and tired and not wanting to deal with anyone at all for a while...

so yeah..the plan for tonight is food, a little bit of work..meds and then sleep..hopefully a full night of sleep ..

Just as we cannot see that a seed has taken root until it breaks through the surface, so we cannot always see our own growth happening until it does the same. ~ by Sandra Kring

i dont want to die..

i dont want to die. i just want to stop hurting. i want to stop feeling so sad and broken. i want to  be heard and to not feel invisible and all alone. i dont know how to ask for help. i dont know how to accept help. i dont know who to trust. i dont know what it is that i want to do or what i want to say..sometimes it feels like i am just here..i am just nothing, invisible..lost..afraid..but i dont want to die.  im confused in this world though..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..that nothing is right..that im just still stuck and will just have to keep struggling and fighting to stay in a world that im not completely sure even wants me..im just i dont know..i think about dying and it feels okay.  i think about living and there is a huge unknown..i dont know what is going to happen. i dont know what will happen..i want to feel loved but it is as if no one needs me..no one wants me..i dont even want me..and i just feel so heavy in my head..fuzzed out..drifting..yesterday i was stuck in my head..i kept thinking negative things..i kept thinking that i was nothing that i didnt matter that i couldnt be saved..that no one wanted me..and i wanted to cut..i wanted to hurt..i wanted to just get out of my head..i wanted attention i think..and i didnt get it in the way that i wanted and that made me feel even sadder. i didnt know what to do...i just waited but the crowd and the noise at church got to me..i was feeling very unsafe yesterday just in general..i was feeling on edge..i didnt want to be touched but i did want to be touched..well i wanted to be hugged anyway..but i still wanted to push people away..as much as i wanted to connect and feel something..feel safe..i just wanted to push everyone away..and the same thing happened in church yesterday..went through the whole service pretty much stuck in my head and thinking awful things...and it got to the end..the prayer part..and my director asked me if i had thought about going up and getting prayed for..and i told her i had thought about it and my answer was still no..but i told her no..and all i wanted to do was go up there..i had to really stop myself from asking her to go with me..i cant do that.. im afraid...im afraid of what it means..im afraid of the pastor and being touched..and i dont want him..how awful does that make me ?? i dont want him..i want lady and elder..i can handle them..i can deal with them being close to me..but i get nervous and scared when he is near me ..and he has done nothing to me..absolutely nothing.but its just that he is older and male..and i am afraid of him..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of what will happen..and there are so many ppl..and i feel crowded so easily..and its not like i can ask for a different set up just for my sake...just for my comfort..i am ashamed of myself for needing things to be so different..for wanting things to be so different..and im sad that i cant go after what it is that i want and need..i feel stupid for not being able to ask for support and hugs and safety..and it makes me feel crazy..it makes me feel different..it makes me feel like i dont fit in because i still need so much..and still i am not able to get what it is that i want..again i am forced to consider that i will never be able to have a parent that i want..that cares for me and loves me..i am to old to be parented again..and my childhood is gone and has been gone for a long time..but im still looking for that relationship..i still want that relationship..i still want to be a child..i want to be taken care of..i want to feel like i matter ..that im important..that i can be completely safe around someone..that i can get comfort and not be afraid of being hurt..and i know lady wont hurt me..and i know elder wont hurt me..and jessica wont hurt me..but beyond that when dealing with the church im not sure about..and i tend to stay away from people..and i still work to convince myself that i dont need anyone else..that i am ok..that i am fine..and thats what i tell ppl because who wants to listen to me complain about my days being bad..or me struggling to keep myself safe..or how it is that i am feeling so badly on a daily basis..and i feel like i am just failing all over again..that lady wants me to be happy and postivie and i try and still im not getting it on a continual basis.and its like im just failing at life..that i cant be happy no matter how hard i try..that my thoughts so easily take over and overwhelm me..and i know that its supposed to take time and a whole lot of work and effort..but i get caught up thinking that if it doesnt happen right then or the next day then i have just failed compeltely.. that there is no help for me because i cant do what it is that everyone is telling me to do..or telling me what i can have if i want it bad enough..that i just have to think positive..and that i just have to want it..and in my head what im hearing is that im not trying hard enough..that its just my fault because i dont want it bad enough..that if i just try to be happy then i will be happy..and if im not then im flawed in some way..then there is just still something wrong with me becuase i cant be like everyone else..and then i dont want to try anymore..because i watch everyone else and wonder why it is that i cant feel like them..why i cant have that much faith and belief and contentness..why cant i let things go..and its like im torturing myself on purpose..like im just keeping myself stuck in this very dark place..and im doing it on purpose and i dont deserve to be helped or feel better becuase im still not able to live up to anyones expectations..not mine..not mommy..not anyone..and ill end up just being alone forever because there is nothing else for me..there is no place for me...and that is why i think about dying and think that it will let me finally be free..that it will let me go away and find some sort of peace of mind..that i can just make everything stop..and not have to struggle anymore..and not have to feel so badly anymore...and the suckiest part of all of this..is that it all takes place in my head..no one can see what im thinking..no one knows what im thinking or how badly i feel most of the time..no one knows at all..and i make sure to keep a massive amount of control on expressing what i feel..or well not expressing what i feel..it takes a lot to get me to go past saying that i am fine..and that things are ok..how many people can i expect to listen to me talk about dying or cutting without trying to stick me in the hospital?  sometimes i just need to talk about it..and it doesnt mean im going to act on it...but those are heavy topics to have to expect someone in my daily life to deal with..my therapist doesnt count becuase she is trained to talk about it and help me deal with it and figure out how to move past it..but just like a coworker..or someone at church .. people like that..i know i cant expect understanding from everyone..i do understand that..but then my fears of being judged and rejected and hurt and picked on and talked about start to go crazy and my need to hide from everyone and keep my thoughts to myself becomes much more important..becuase i do manage to go to work and pay bills and in some manner of things manage to take care of myself .then the rest doesnt even matter..im not going to overwhelm someone else with my stuff..because i know that it is a lot to deal with..it is a lot to place on one person and expect them to deal with it and then to help me feel better..why would i do that??  but then i end up just burning out the ones that do try to understand without judging me..like jessica and lady and my therapist..i go back and forth to them and want them to deal with my stuff and then help me feel better..and i want so much from them..i want them to save me..i want them to fix them..but my stuff is so hard and overwhelming and its not fair to ask someone else to take it on for me..to ask someone else to deal with it and work through it and somehow give me piece of mind..and i become this person that no one can deal with..that no one wants to deal with because i have so much to deal with..sometimes i wonder how it is that i do manage to make it through the day..the week..i dont know how ive managed to last so long as it is..i had planned to die long before now..but i am still here..and i dont know why..i dont know what i am hanging on for..i dont know what im waiting for..or what i am expecting to happen..but im just stuck with myself and with all of my issues and it is very tiring..i get tired of having to deal with myself and to stay in control and show that i am in control..without the scars im not sure anyone would even know that anything was wrong..and maybe that is not a clear assesment because both jessica and kathy told me otherwise..they said yes they noticed the scars and considered that i was possibly cutting..but that it was other things too that had let them know that something was up..that something was going on...i like to think that i am hiding things well..and maybe with most people i am..but jessica and kathy are in the mental health field..i prolly should have known that they would figure some things out..i mean gosh im in the office on a weekly basis..yes they would figure things out to a point anyway..and yes it shocked the heck out of me when they let me know that yes they did know things were going on and well my questions led to explanations that were overwhelming to put it nicely..my little bubble of safety was popped big time those days..because its like holy crap they can see me..they can see past the whole image that i like for people to see..they can see me more than anyone else..there is only a very small group of people who have managed that..and its only an even smaller handful of people that i willing told on my own..and so my circle of support is tiny..but i dont lean on them because  i feel awful with needing to ask for help and needing them to deal with all of my stuff..i dont even want to deal with it most of the time so how can i ask someone else to deal with it? how can i ask for someone else to listen to me and hear what it is that im not saying..because well me being forthcoming with information is a long long process..i am better at it than i was before..but yeah..my therapist had to work hard to get things out of me and get me to explain myself and say anything at all...i guess its that i dont feel like i deserve help..that i dont think i will be different..i dont believe that i will be able to ever deal with myself..and that just brings my thoughts back to feeling so sad..and alone..and suicidal...but i think about suicide often..maybe i need to explain that..i dont know..i think about it..i want it..but i dont act on it..the whole safety contract thing with linda means that i have to call her..and my darn need to obey the rules means that i will call her..the cutting is different..and not on the same contract..but im trying hard not to do that either..but i am thinking hard about how much of a relief it would be..how much it will let me escape from myself for just a little while..thats all i want..a little break..a little peace of mind..time to regroup without all of the stuff in my head taking over..i want to be able to breath and not have it hurt so darn much..but i cant have that escape either..and so i am stuck with myself and my thoughts..ive tried everything..im writing..im looking up positive things..positive pictures and quotes and stories..im playing all the little annoying time consuming games..im taking my medicine..although one is running out and i dont have the darn money for it..so yes i guess i will have to expect that things are going to be bad for the next week or so..im doing my collages..im doing everything that im supposed to do when i am feeling like this and still nothing is helping keep my thoughts in order..nothing is helping with keeping me feeling calmer..and at ease..and so i am just stuck dealing with myself.and dragging myself through the day..and doing what i can to stay safe and sane and something..i guess the really funny thing is that i am not sane at all..if anyone was in my head i dont think anyone else would be able to deal with it..i dont think anyone else would be able to manage the constant way i am attacking myself..i mean its more of a positive and negative thing..and not completely negative like it was before..but it is attacking all the same..if i want to escape myself then what in the world would i expect someone else to do? 
my thoughts won out yesterday..the negative ones..i didnt cut though..and im obviously still alive..but still today my thoughts are at war with each other..both the positive thoughts and the negative thoughts are fighting hard against each other..its like a constant bickering ..a constant need to prove one more than the other..i think about the people who i do feel safe with..and i try to find comfort in my thoughts of them..its all i have..and soon i have to get up and get ready for work..well its more like right now i have to get up and get ready for work..but i had to empty my head just a little bit..i needed to get some extra room so that i would be able to think a bit clearer and manage with work today..but im not prepared for work today..i dont have my paperwork done..and i am feeling bad about that..and im going to work on them throughout the day..but no im not prepared..and i hate how my depression does get in the way of my work stuff..no i dont want to go to work today. i want to hide at home and not have to deal with anyone or talk to anyone or be around anyone..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to be on the computer..i just want to lay down and sleep the day away so that i dont have to deal with it...im tired...very very tired..

-sigh-

today is just not been the best of days...

im worn out

struggling with a lot of negative thoughts...a lot of negative feelings

wanting support and comfort and attention..

going to bed..im done with thinking for today..

yesterday...

i seem to be on a roll today..with writing.. i am feeling more settled today ..i am feeling calmer today. a little bit better at least and that is a good thing..

yesterday i saw linda..yesterday morning and we talked about how i had been feeling..which hadnt been all that great you know..i was feeling sad..slightly suicidal..and we talked about it.. we talked about what i had been doing to distract myself..i was reminded about my contract with her about not killing myself...it was helpful i think to put it into words and say them out loud..i wanted her to know..well i mean i do tell her when i am feeling like that..and i left feeling sorta settled..in some ways..not great by any means but a bit more settled...

and then i kinda hung out at home and wasted time..i didnt see any clients yesterday ..i actually didnt have anyone scheduled..so i came home..and just wasted time pretty much..

and then yesterday evening i went and talked to lady again..and was able to stay with her..i think i feel safe with her and able to contain myself a little bit...she talked to me about how i was feeling but its different than when im with linda..she bases her talks around god and how he has helped and how he is there...we talked about me feeling angry with him..and we did talk a little about the cutting and the well suicidal stuff..and she listened..and talked to me and hugged me a lot...she told me that she would keep talking to me and keep helping me and that there wasnt anything at all that would make her mad at me.  i was really worried about that..i was really worried that i would overwhelm her and that she would not talk to me anymore..and so she had to get me to break down those thoughts and explain it to her cas i was confusing her..and so then she asked me about going to bible study..and i truly had never been to bible study..a foriegn concept to me..seriiously..and so i went with her and almost had a panic attack due to sitting right in the front...freaked me out big time..and it didnt help that the topic was truth and letting go and gosh darn i wanted to like sink into the floor or something..but i did stay and i listened or tried to listen and tried not to freak out horribly...and then lady did the lets go introduce you to ppl...and ireally wish i was better at remembering people and names..cas yeah..i dont think i remembered anyone she had me talking too..well she talked and i just got lots of hugs..no men though.. just women ..so it was a little bit more ok. and i didnt freak to much..but i was a bit nervous and like sweating horribly lol...i really should have taken off my jacket but well yeah..i was nervous and wanting to hide so yeah i kept it on...and then she and one of her daughters walked with me to my car..and her daughter told me that i needed to hold my head up and that i had nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hold my head down..and im not sure about that..im afraid of looking at ppl and all of that..so we will see..i mean everyone is nice and everything..but i am still a little afraid..i dont feel very adult when im there and even when im with lady because its like she is going to keep me safe.  she is going to protect me..hmm i did tell her that i was afraid of her husband though..so that she would know..and of course her idea is for me to get to know him..but i am afraid..and wont look at him at all ..she told me that its not fair to group all men in one category..and i know thats true..but still i am afraid of men..i am scared of what they want from me..she mentioned that we should have a session with him there..and i think i refused..i dont remember exactly..but yeah i know she mentioned it..and im sure it got me wanting to just throw a tantrum...but yeah..that was a lot last night..to take in and be around...a lot of people..a lot of noise..and at a couple times with just lady i got the worse headaches trying to think and process and stay present..
and i was really tired when i got home...i think i was calmer though..im not completely sure...

but yes my anger has been kicked into high gear lately..i truly want to like umm well hiss at ppl..i think i start getting mad and i dont know how to show it or express it and so it just kinda starts coming out and taking over and i dont know..things are just getting a lot weird lately..a lot weird..

so im supposed to be like writing this list of positive things about myself..and reading some things in the bible..and yeah..being positive and working on stopping the negative thoughts..
not to mention that lady will call my attention to her..and my darn need to obey and do what im told means that she can get me to look in her general direction..she did it 3 or 4 times yesterday when i was with her..and it was when she was trying to get me to understand something..and that makes me feel even more nervous but i tried..so yeah...that was yesterday...

i think yesterday counts for a long long lonnnng day

what has abuse taken from you?

i actually saw this in a blog the other day but it was in reference to rape...and ive been thinking about it since i read it and it makes me wonder a lot.  i know that my past is affecting my life a lot..but sometimes it is hard to recognize just how much it affects me...how much it still hurts me..and how i struggle with being able to fully let it go..

so what has abuse taken from me ??

I feel that my ability to see myself for who i am has been taken from me. I depend on others to judge my self worth. i depend on others to tell me if i am good or not.  My views of myself are very negative. i grew up hearing that i was just stupid and couldnt do anything. i was compared to everyone else and asked repeatedly why i couldnt be like them.  i wasnt an individual at all. i became a collective of everything that i was told i needed to be. i tried to become everything that i was told i should be.  in the process i lost my own views of myself..i lost being able to grow up to be who i am, i grew up without positive self esteem. I became an adult that does not know who i am. but i know what everyone else wants me to be.

My ability to feel safe in the world and trust others was taken from me. i am afraid of everything and everyone. I am afraid of being hurt by everyone. i am afraid to talk to others. i am afraid to be around others or form relationships. i have difficulties trusting other people and believing other people when they are talking about me in some way. i dont feel safe in the world at all. i worry and become anxious going into crowded places or being around to many people.

Im putting personal misconceptions into its own category because i dont know how to really decribe this one...i learned to hate myself..i learned that it was ok to destroy myself. mommy was doing it, other people were doing it, so why couldnt i do it? but i got really good at it and it became who i am. i hurt myself and i struggle to see why it is wrong.  i struggle to understand why people say it is dangerous and why it is easy to lose control.  if nothing else i can control my needs when it comes to hurting myself..i believe i deserve it. i believe that it was all my fault and so i deserve to hurt. i deserve everything that happened because i was bad. because i didnt listen. because i didnt do what i was supposed to do. i hate myself and it doesnt bother me. it bothers other people and that confuses me.

My ability to think rationally was messed up. my irrational thoughts take over.  old thoughts take over. old issues take over.  my thoughts are confusing and mixed up. my thoughts become child like and confused when i am supposed to be in an adult world.

My ability to form stable relationships has been taken.  my fears overwhelm me when dealing with relationships.  i dont trust.  i am afraid. i cant be touched. i cant be loved. i dont believe i can be loved. why would anyone love me ? i am broken.

i was never able to learn what love was..what love is..i never had that supportive parent relationship. i was afraid of mommy.  i am afraid of mommy. i tried to hide from her. i tried to avoid her. i didnt want her attention at all..and i grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. that i was unloveable ..that no one wanted me..no one loved me. i never got comfort or understanding .. i stayed away from everyone.  i am not able to be near people.  i dont want attention...but i still crave attention..i want to be loved and supported and needed. i want to feel like i matter and that i am wanted by someone..i am to old to be looking for and needing a parent but that is what i want.  that is what i need. i want a parent. i want to feel that love and comfort. i want to be hugged all the time. i want to be talked to..i want to know that someone thinks that i am important. and i havent found that ...not completely..ive somehow found different ppl that i am finally letting into my little world..i will accept hugs and seek out hugs from certain people..but then i try to push them away when i feel afraid...i worry that i overwhelm them..that i want so very much from them and they cant deal with me and my needs..and i feel like i will drive them away.  that they will be afraid of me .that they will not be able to help me..that there is nothing in me that will be saved...i just want consistency. i think that is it. i want a constant person who is there for me all the time.  i think that does make me feel selfish. that i want to have someones attention 100% of the time. i just want them and i dont want anyone else to need them or want them..i need so much comfort..i have so many hurts..i dont know what will make the hurts go away. 

i take my anger, my hurt, my sadness out of myself.  i blame myself. i am ashamed of myself and things i have done. i am afraid of the world, of life, of living ..and i dont know how to deal with my life on a daily basis.  i struggle to control my moods..i struggle to release my emotions in a safe way..i feel that i have been ruined..my mind is broken. my body is destroyed..my fears prevent me from being completely involved in my own life..it is hard for me..very hard for me..i hate that i am so affected by my past.  i hate how im still afraid..how im still hurt...how im still so sad..and its not fair..its really not fair..

i dont know...something has to give...

my head is spinning..i have such a headache right now..and im feeling to much inside and i cant make sense of anything and i want to be with someone but i dont know anyone to be with and i want to talk or something but again i dont know who to talk to.. i dont know who i want..i dont know what i want..im feeling lonely..very very lonely..and unheard..and quiet...very very quiet..

i have been feeling very angry lately..i keep feeling angry and upset at everything and at everyone ..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i just want to hide..and i am isolating a lot ..even with my sister here i am still getting stuck in my head..i dont want her to be here anymore really..and i feel really bad for that..but its just that her being in my space is overwhelming me..and she isnt even here today..she went with a friend and im ashamed of the fact that i really wanted the time alone..that i didnt mind at all that her friend wanted her to visit and stay for a day or so..i should want her to be here..want her to visit..and i am..but 2 weeks is pushing it..pushing my limits..pushing my desire to be social and accommodating..its not that i dont want to do things with her and generally i do have a good time with her..but its just me and my own stuff that starts getting in the way..i cant deal with anyone for long..not on a continual daily basis..im not good at it...but the way i am feeling lets me know that i need to not be alone right now..but i am alone..im sad and alone and just not able to really deal with things in my head...

the past couple days ive felt like im just not fitting in..and i think i may have written about it already a little bit..im not really remembering right now..and its making me want to do really crazy and stupid things..like i dont want to see my therapist tomorrow..i dont want to see lady tomorrow..but not seeing them will leave me worried and stressed out to the max...but i get these ideas in my head that i dont need help..that i dont need anyone at all..because obviously nothing is wrong with me..and i dont need anyone to talk to me or do anything with me..i want to be left alone..i want to just be by myself..and at the same time i want attention..i am craving attention so very much..i want to see them and talk to them and feel like i matter for just a little while..becuase i am feeling so different..so messed up..so broken...like im not messed up enough for myself or anyone else either..i feel like everyone else was able to identify what was wrong and get help and have support..and i try but i just cant manage it..my need to be 'okay' outweighs anything else..i need to seem like i am okay..i need to know that i am seen as being able to manage and able to deal with anything..and it doesnt matter how much i torture myself or how much i hurt myself..or how mean i am to myself..there is nothing in me to be happy about ..there is nothing in me worth keeping..and i just wonder why it is that i cant go away..why cant i just give up and call it quits and just not care anymore..what is it that holds me here?? what is it that keeps me suffering so much..what is it that keeps me feeling miserable and sad and angry..why is it that i cant acknowledge outloud that i am hurting..that i do need help..that i do need to talk and express what is wrong...i feel like i am moving back into a very depressed phase..and it is not lifting at all..its just getting worse..so much worse..and i feel like im just messing up everything ..and struggling with everything and not able to say just how bad things are feeling for me..and it makes me upset..because i see everyone else being able to do it..everyone else can ask for help and support but i cant..something is just so screwed up with me..something is so very wrong with me...but im so good at pretending..im so good at trying to fit in and playing a part in what is going on..i participate to a point..and then i just kinda fade away into the background...im feeling very much like i am pushing everyone away from me..that i dont want anyone to care about me..and i just want to be alone and have no one care at all..i dont want to worry that i am making someone worry about me..and so i feel like doing stupid things..really stupid things..and im trying so hard to stay in control..to not cave in..to not hurt myself...i keep being told that i have the choice..that i make the choice to hurt myself..to hate myself..to destroy myself...and how is it that i learned that it is ok to see those things??? who gave me the idea that i dont matter..that i dont have to be safe with myself..that its ok for me to hurt myself because i am nothing?? and all day today and yesterday i am thinking about all of this..and the more i stay stuck in my head the worse the feelings get...i cant get away from them..i cant let them go..and im afraid that at some point the thoughts will win..and i will not be able to keep myself safe..that there will be nothing left for me..that there is nothing worth me being here for anymore..and it is very hard..i dont feel positive..i dont feel anything but sadness right now..and im trying so hard not to react to how i am feeling..im trying hard to remember that i do have people that care..but my need to be rational is being quickly outweighed by everything else..my rational thinking is gone..irrational wins...nothing makes sense..im just broken ..and my pieces dont fit together at all..my pieces cant be put back together...i dont have the strength to keep fighting this never ending battle with myself...someone has to win..someone has to make it stop..something has to give...

"Force yourself out of the victim mode and begin to take positive, strong, healthy steps toward incorporating your pain into your life, learning its lessons and moving forward into joy and peace again." - by Wendy Keller

 

 

this is my life...this quote could sum up things quite nicely i think...i am still so very much in victim mode..i dont want to be though..but i think that i am afraid of changing..afraid of letting go of past stuff..i dont know how..i feel so lost without..i dont know who i am without..im ashamed and guilty and hurt and afraid..i feel like ive missed out on so much because of being afraid..but so much of what i know comes from being hurt..from being ridiculed..from being yelled at and hit and hurt..i still have a hard time acknowledging that it was abuse...i still want to make excuses for all that has happened..i still carry the blame and hurt around with me..its always there..i think about it..worry about it..hate it but cant let it go...im so very stuck.. and i want to hurt..i want to hurt myself because i am afraid..and sad..and scared..im afraid of what i think..im afraid that i want to die..im afraid that i want to hurt myself..im afraid that people will look at me and say im crazy..and say that i just need to be locked away like mommy did..she said i should be in the hospital..she said that something was wrong with me..she told me that no one would do that..why would i do that..why do i have to be so hateful to myself?? i want to hurt myself now..i really do..and it has taken a lot for me to not do i.  i want it..i want it so very much..i want to be able to move past what i am thinking about..i want to be able to do this without help and i cant..it is really hard knowing that i cant do this without help ..i dont like that i need to ask for help..i dont like i am scared of how i am feeling..i dont like that i see nothing wrong with wanting to die or wanting to hurt..i think that i want to isolate a lot right now..and i am feeling guilty for wanting lady to give me attention so much right now...i fought myself hard to not cave and call her again..i dont want her to worry about me..i dont want her to know just how sad i am ..but i am sad..very sad..i feel so alone with all of this...very very alone...maybe i will work on a collage tonight...i need to do something because im afraid that i will cut..im afraid that i will start looking for something to ease my inner pain and then i will be able to show that i am hurting..that i am sad..that i need help and safety and support and care..thats all i know how to do..i dont know what to do with myself right now...i dont think that i will be going to sleep tonight though...i really dont :(

im just broken

i am just feeling sad today...sad and incredibly broken and just out of sorts...ive spent most of the day just not feeling good at all..and i was sick and constantly running to the bathroom..and i just seemed to lose all of my energy..and being out in the heat today did not help at all...i dont know...church this morning has me thinking about things a lot a lot a lot...it was elder wilson today becuase the pastor and his wife were out of town..and i missed her..not so much the pastor but i did miss the pastors wife a lot and wanted her to be there..but i also really enjoy elder wilson and im not sure what draws me to her..but i just want to be near her and with her and of course i want her attention..all of her attention..and i could sit there and just listen to her talk..and i want her to talk to me and just me..and once again my loyalties are changing..and i am becoming more and more attached to the two of them..and i dont understand why..and its like ok i feel the need to be with them..all the time..its so weird..but then i guess its not because i do this...i dont know why they change though..maybe it is because i am needing to find people who are more able to give me what it is that i need..but i dont know what i need..i just want them..i want to be protected and to feel safe and loved and supported and i want it from them..
i did go to church this morning ..with nia..and i was very controlled today for a couple reasons...one being that she was there and i just am not comfortable doing things out of the ordinary with her there..and second i wasnt feeling good .. i felt fine this morning when i got up..but about 20 mins into church i felt so headachy and sick..like queasy and i was getting major cramps..so yeah..i asked my director for something with sugar and she seriously brought me a piece of like a pastry of some sort..and i ate that and it helped a little bit ..but still i just couldnt deal with standing up a lot and kept sitting down and i was getting so so tired..i just wanted to put my head down and go to sleep..but the sermon was umm about truth, the way, the light..and how it relates to god..and cripes she made a lot of sense you know..a heck of a lot of sense..and at the same time i think i was still resisting it and her..i cant hear it fully..i think i am still so very upset with god for not protecting me..for not helping me..i asked for help..i prayed for help..and no one helped me..i am very mad at god..and i think that is why i am so resistant..so removed from it all..and she did the whole you know you can come up if you nneed prayer or something ..and again it was one of those times i would ahve given anything to go up there..i wanted to go up ..i wanted to be prayed for..i just wanted peace..i wanted to feel safe..but i didnt go up front..and i just happened to be sitting behind the woman that had asked for the elder to come to her due to a health issue and not being able to walk to the front..and she came and prayed for her..and again my jealously spiked and i wished so so hard that she would pray for me like that..that she would show me that she cared...and i just sorta watched and at the same time tried to stay out of the way...but after this particular prayer..she went back up front and made the statement about how she felt there were others that had not been able to come up to the front who needed prayer or help..and so the whole prayer thing started all over again..and it was like deep prayer..like ppl screaming and falling and things like that..and i just watched..i watched and observed and took it all in..but i didnt react..i didnt ask for anything..i dont even think i was praying for anything i was just watching..and as i watched i started to wonder if something was wrong with me..if maybe i was doing this whole religion thing wrong..i wondered if there was something that i was missing..something that i just wasnt feeling and everyone else was..i felt left out..like once again this is an area that i dont fit into..and so the only thing that made me feel better was that i got to hold my directors hand..something that i have wanted and wanted to do..and got to do it today..and i tried hard to find comfort in that...tried hard to know and understand that she does care for me...and so i was just wondering what it is that i was doing wrong..and why couldnt i feel anything at all like everyone else..i dont understand what is wrong with me..but the service ended soon after ..and i realized that elder denise was sitting up front..by herself and i was concerned..because she had put so much emotion and feelings into the sermon and the prayers..and so once everyone had kinda left.i went up and sat next to her...and for a little while i had her attention all to myself..and we talked about some things..she noted my confusion and resistance to god and all of that...i asked her about heaven and hell and suicide..and i tried to take in what she was saying..i tried to listen to her..and she made honest statements about me and how she saw me and stuff..and she mentioned that i was making things more difficult and that i didnt have the hope or faith placed in god to help me..and she is right...i dont .. i dont have faith or hope in anything or anyone..its just me and it feels like im really alone and by myself..and i dont know how to make it better or fix it...how many times do i need to go to church..how many times do i need to try before i realize that i have failed at yet another thing...what am i not doing right ??? why do i go to church and still feel completely alone..completely lost ..and utterly confused..why am i not getting helped :( and again i just question that something is so wrong with me..im so very messed up and hurt and broken that i am not letting anything in at all..i just want to hurt myself..i want to hide and i want to just go away you know...this is all so hard and so frustrating and i dont know what to do to make it better..its like i have all of these emotions inside of me..and they have just built up and built up and built up..and now i dont know how to release them..i dont know how to express them or get them out safely..and its like now when i need them to release they wont..the more i feel that they are going to release i fight to gain control over them..i have to keep control..but i think i have reached a place where the control no longer helps me..the need to control myself is getting in the way..and i am not able to express myself or show how i am feeling without resorting to hurting myself..and i dont know what to do..i dont know how to fix it..right now i am feeling a lot like hurting myself..because i am upset..im sad..there is something wrong with me..elder asked me today if what i was doing now was helping me..was it working...i told her no...she asked me why couldnt i let god help then..because i had tried everything else..and she is right..i have tried everything else..i have tried doctors, ive done therapy..ive done meds..all of it..ive done..and still im here..and still im struggling..what is left for me to try?? what is there that i can do that is going to save me..or help me..or keep me safe? what is there that is left for me to do??

cool pictures

a great couple of days :) and other stuff

so my sister is visiting and i decided to take her to to luray to see the caverns..she had a picture contest that she wanted to do and well she has to take nature themed pictures..so i figured the caverns would be an awesome trip and well i really wanted to see the caverns too...so i surprised her and told her that i had a plan set up for this weekend and we would be going out of town...so she was game and we left on friday to head up to luray va..we left in the afternoon and made pretty good time..it was only like a 2 hr drive..so easy...we got there checked into the hotel and then kinda worked on figuring out what to do..so we were looking over the brochures of attractions in the area and decided to go and do the garden maze..it looked like a lot of fun..and it was an actual maze! like you walk in and there are paths going every which way..it was really cool but at first it was a little frustrating because its like you have this quest to complete and you have to find the 4 stations...well darn who know that finding those stations would take so long and there was a lot of back tracking and finding dead ends..and locked doors..and it was like omg are you kidding me?! so i had to work on calming down and just like enjoying it for what it was..and it was pretty cool finding the stations..like really cool..and we completed the whole thing and actually made it out of the maze in one piece lol..and so we decided that it was late and we should go back to the hotel and chill until tomorrow..well that turned into going through downtown and just looking around...we ended up having dinner and this really REALLY tiny seafood rest..and it was ridiculously expensive but really good..and it was like 5 tables in there!! an odd little place but filling..so yeah..it was cool...finally after dinner we go back to the hotel and actually do chill out ...

today..we got up and kinda worked on planning out the day.  the original plan was to just see the luray caverns..but then i was looking through the brochures and ended up looking more indepth at the one that advertised the Natural Bridge..there was so much more to do there and we would still see caverns...so after we talked about it..we decided to do breakfast and drive up to see the natural bridge, and the butterfly garden, and the  caverns, and the bridge of course and there were 2 museums..all for only $28! so we decided to do that one and get more options of things to do...we did breakfast..and then completed the drive...and omg it was the coolest thing ever!!

The Natural Bridge was huge!! and it was set up like a nature trail and you walked through to the waterfall and it was a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng walk..but we finished the whole thing and made it to the waterfall..and we saw the little village..the creeks..the caves..the butterfly garden..the toy museum, we didnt see the wax museum but we did go to the caverns too...so much walking!!!! but it was such a nice day you know..not hot..not cold..and most definitely not raining!! it was breezy and just nice.. so we walked and walked and walked some more...took lots of pictures with my sister..took lots of pictures of just nature and stuff..its been a long time since we have been hiking or walking and stuff like today..i actually miss it you know...a few summers ago i was doing 4 day hikes with different bunches of 'special' children..the whole nine yards..hiking, backpacks..carrying the food and supplies..hiking through the rain, and tantrums, and fights, and the ever so questionable melty cheese after its been in backpacks for 3 days lol..so gross but oh so good at the same time!!! and of course the most fun was making the campfires..and drinking water with bleach in it because of having to water out of the creeks and everything...i mean i am by far not nature girl at all..and being dirty and sweaty irritates me horribly..but gosh darn i do miss it ..a lot more than i thought it was possible to miss..im not the fastest walker, and i complained when i first started, and i hated carrying the backpacks, and the bugs and the dirt..yet i did it..over and over and over again i did it...it was like a small personal achievement each time you know..like yes i did it..i finished the hike..all 4 days..and with all the kids no less lol..so it was cool today..being up in the mountains..being able to relax and just feel at peace for a little while..seeing the caverns on the other hand was a little unnerving..because we were litteratlly like 356some feet underground!! the formations were awesome..they were..the small spaces and the people were a bit overwhelming .. and the slippery ground and steps and well the whole thing made me a bit nervous..im not sorry i did it..but yeah..it was a little creepy..i really just wanted to see a bat :) but didnt see a real one...but did complete that too..and the caverns tour was way more tiring than the nature trail and bridge thing..like i was sooooo tired and worn out after the caverns..but yep got lots of pictures..and it was a really nice trip .. im super glad we did it..it was good to get away from things for a little while..no stress..no nothing..just being up there and able to enjoy it for what it was ..and spending time with my sister was cool too...it was :)

it did suck though that i started to feel sick on the way home this evening...like i think i had a massive sugar drop or something because i felt awful..headache, dizzy, thirsty..so so so very thirsty..finally told my sister i was feeling sick and she started to freak and it was just getting worse you know..i stopped and got a drink and had some chips..and i started to feel a little better..but then just as fast i started to feel sick and queasy and tired..and just in general a bit zoned out..which freaked my sister out even more ..but we got dinner and made it home safely..so it was good. it is good. :) my body hurts so so so much though..i know im gonna be stiff and sore tomorrow..yep..really stiff and sore tomorrow..

i will post pictures..but first i need to write about a couple other things..

mommy is mad at me and is not calling me..ever since she found out that we planned a trip and didnt tell her..why should i tell her ?? we didnt leave the state..we were freaking two hours away..3 at the most you know..it was not a huge massive trip..i didnt ask for money..i didnt ask her for anything so why did i need to tell her anything..so she called me friday and got pissed off at me when i mentioned going out of town and then didnt give her a lot of details..so she hangs up with me ..and immediately calls nia..and it was like really ?!?! ugh..so yeah she hasnt called me since..she calls nia and asks questions about me..but hasnt called me..and it upsets me..because i know she will reach the point where she will call me..and we will have a conversation about how awful i am and how much she cares and blah blah blah..i am 28 years old ..and i still need permission to freakin go someplace ?!!?!? what the hell..ugh..so i am mad..i am..and at the same time im feeling guilty..but im not backing down..not on this..i dont need her permission..i dont..and im not going to ask for it..

lots of money issues going on right now..ugh..frustrating too..and so i will not be able to do the retreat..so ill let them know that tomorrow at church..bills cant be paid and what not..so just really trying to manage you know..

i ended up calling the pastors wife today..i think i was just wanting some support..some caring..something..i wanted something..and she actally talked to me..i called her first and hung up before she answered...but then i called her again and she answered and we talked for a bit..she listened..gave advice..was super duper positive..she told me she loved me..and she asked me to call her back a little bit later to let her know if i had actually gotten out of the house and how i was doing..and so i called her back and just touched base with her you know and let her know that i was ok...she told me that she was out of town and would not be in church tomorrow and that did make me sad...i feel like i need to see her..i need to know that she is not upset with me..that shes not afraid of me..and she wont be there :( and that makes me really sad..and upset..im trying hard to manage you know..but i am scared ..like i just need her here..i need her to be reachable..i just need her...

and to make things better im not freaking sleeping...bad dreams..i wake up all night..i take my meds and still im waking up ..ugh i dont like this at all..i dont like the bad dreams either :(

so i will upload pictures next :) and then meds and hopefully bed!