whats going on

Today has been another hard day and I really feel picked on. I know that is just me over reaccting because I am once again being told that I am not trying when I feel like I am trying. But the more I think about things the more I am thinking that maybe it is me and. Something that I am doing. I don't know really know though what I want to do or where to go from here. I have talked to my director and supervisor and listened to my therapist and they are all saying the same things. When am I going to see the big picture that I need to work on my own stuff and that I need to grow up and deal with it and stop hiding behind my fear. I don't want to be like this forever I don't want to always be felleling so sad and depressed and not able to manage. My supervisor told me today that. I keep coming to talk to her and tallking to my director and that I am liking the attention that I'm getting from them. And I really need to think

.... thoughts from this evening

im feeling ..oh i wish i knew what i was feeling. im going back and forth between sad and upset and calm and just wondering what in the hell i am doing.and what it is that i want to do and what i want to happen...it hurts my feelings that i am being told again that im not trying hard enough..that it shouldnt be other people wanting me to get better more than i want to get better..i dont understand what i need to do or what i need to let happen to show that i am truly trying. after a heck of a lot of thinking i realize that if they keep telling me this then the issue is me..and something that i am not doing..and that is a hard thing to have to understand and deal with..its like what am i doing that is just not working ..its as if i am constantly sabotaging myself and that maybe i am hiding behind the fear.. maybe i am so comfortable being messed up..i can deal with the issues of going home and mommy and all of that and i fight hard against that changing..but i know it needs to change..i dont want to be a victim anymore. i dont i dont i dont..i dont want to kkeep feeling the way i am feeling. its not fun. its hellishly depressing and im tired of it ..i really am..but if i keep fighting them so very hard and refusing to accept that they are telling me the truth about things..i dont understand why its so hard for me to see that they are truly trying to help..and that they believe in me..so why cant i believe in myself ?? why cant i accept what they are telling me since i know that mommy tells me lies and just hurts me ...why am i still fighting them so hard? and i know that i have to make the choice and i have to do the work..and maybe some how i have gotten it in my head that everything else is going to work out and things will get better..like the meds will make me happy..i can go to my supervisor for extra support and caring..and that ill be able to keep seeing t and will have her forever..and that all of that will be enough to make me happy..to fix me..and i get so upset when they dont do what i want them to do..or they dont tell me what i want to hear..i feel like im just a spoiled brat..and that i just want everything and i want them to just magically fix me..but if im not trying or doing the work im asked to do then what is the point?? because then i stay where im at..im essentially keeping myself incredibly stuck..and i keep hoping for things to be better..i do want to feel better..i want to be able to be able to stand myself and not like hate everything that i am..but what is it that i am missing..what do i need to do to change

and my supervisor today told me that i am going back and forth between the three of them..(my supervisor, therapist, and now director) and that im getting attention but its negative attention..and that if i worked hard then i would see that there is a lot of positive attention for me out there..

i feel like im just screwing things up ..and i dont know how to get it to stop


really just feeling aimless and unsure of where to go from here..