When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world. Eckhart Tolle
ok so i was wrong ... i am going to write..and im really hoping that writing will clear my head a bit...right now the depression is back with a vengeance..and i hate feeling so sad and hopeless about everything.. and i guess that lately without being able to really update here ive just been keepiong things stuck in my head and there isnt a break from myself...thats all i want really..a break from myself..a break from my life...ive gotten so used to rejecting myself and my life that now when i am asked to accept myself..accept where im at in my life..and i cant do it..i am scared of doing it and so i keep finding ways to prevent it..i tell myself that im awful..i tell myself that im stupid that im hated..that im nothing..that no one cares ..and then i watch as i stay stuck..and stay suicidal and keep hurting and looking for an escape that never really comes..
ive thought about a lot of stuff today and i actually thought about just going into the hospital for a break..a real and true no one is expecting anything from me sorta break..and i know that i cant..i understand that..i really do..but the want..the need to just be away from things is so strong..i want an out .. i want to be able to just step out of my life and leave and disappear and i dont know..i just dont really know what i want..sometimes my thoughts are so conflicting..so hard to manange and organize..
right now things are just sorta hard all around..this week and the past week has been trigger city...dealing with the death of my sister...feeling so many different things and trying hard not to cut..not to give into the urge..not to have to struggle so much to voice my sadness and my despair at everything...i cant manage and i do skimp on work..i have been slacking off on work..like its currently 2 am and ive done maybe 1 complete note for tomorrow...crap 1 down what 20 or so more to go ? crap like that is going on..and as much as i want to sleep and escape again ..i just cant tonight and so ill prolly be sitting up until morning trying to focus and get it all done...i have to see the doctor or well a case manager tomorrow to do my assesment to see a pdoc..and i think the anxiety about that is keeping me up too. when im alone i just am like a walking testimony for a depression commercial..im pathetic and well that is a judgment..i judge myself..all the time..all day every day..i read on some website or somewhere that when im feeling judgmental i have to put money in a jar..i may try it..it wont hurt anything who knows...
the heat ..the weather lately is really getting to me..because i cant wear really cool stuff..and so im always hot and over heating and struggling to like just get through the days when i feel like im going to pass out..and as usual my lack of planning has left me with no food in the house..and im starving...i had cheese quesdiallas today and chicken and fruit...im so hungry..all i keep thinking about is what i want to eat and what i want to get when i get paid tomorrow ...and im also thinking about how much running around ill have to do tomorrow with clients..have i mentioned that im tired ?
i got my job eval done on friday..and i freaked out about it for a good long time..but it was finally friday and to say it was shocking would be understatement of the year..well not even the evaluation..it was tlaking to my supervisor after the eval that had me all up in the air and uncomfortable and exposed and vunerable..all feels i do not like..and its taken me all weekend to just get myself back under some order of control..some order of calming down...and i dont know..im still struggling to realize and understand that my supervisor can see through my mask..the mask that i put so much effort into keeping up..the one that i make sure i keep in place any time i am around other people..so that no one will know just how much i am hurting or how sad i am or how im plotting my death on a weekly basis. you know all the stuff that i dont allow myself to talk about because there is no point..and she sees it..she has seen it...and i guess i better back up a bit and explain myself..i did my eval with my supervisor and more than once she had on there that i am shy and tend to socially withdrawn in group settings..and that i avoid eye contact or look away when talking...yes things i know i do..and things that i am ashamed that i do..but i do them all the same..the issue is that i did not realize that she had noticed and picked up on it..because its not like she has talked to me about it you know..the issue of testifying in court had me admitting to her that i would panic and not be able to testify at all..and that whole thing had happened a couple weeks before..but well she laid it all out for me on the eval..and she told me that my goal will be to share more, gain confidence..etc and so on..and i was of course a bit shocked because that was like..crap crap double crap what am i going to do about it..i dont know what to do about it..i wrote some bs about working on it and becoming more assertive..and its like really ?! me..assertive ?? thats really funny in a hugely depressing way..but well yeah i had to say something..well i had to finish filling out my part and all of that..but afterwards i was still there and talking to the other lady in the office and mentioned to my supervisor that i didnt realize she noticed so much about me..and she of course said that she knew a lot about me..and that she could tell things about me just by talking to me and stuff..and that mgot my nosey self really curious..and i sat there and fought with myself to let it go..but i couldnt..i wanted to know..i needed to know what she 'thought' she knew about me..and now im kicking myself for every asking in the first place -sigh- she told me that she could tell my story..and knew lots about me..and i asked for more..i told her that i hadnt heard enough to quiet my curiousty..and so she told me more...she talked to me about my feeling sad..she talked about me doing things that were not safe and that i looked for ways out..for escapes..she talked to me about my feeling helpless, hopeless, she talked about me isolateing myself, about my feeling lonely..she told me that sometimes i looked so sad that she just wanted to give me a hug..and she talked about the talk she had given me the other week about angry and letting go of blame and triggers..and during that conversation i did feel like she was talking to me directly..well she told me on friday that she had been talking to me directly..that she felt i needed to hear what she said..she asked me if i wanted her to say the a word..and my in my infinite wisdom stupidly asked her what a word..and she just looked at me..and i was of course thinking and trying to figure out what the heck she was talking about..and then i got it..the a word..abuse.. i told her no..i told her not to say that...instead she told me that i had been hurt..that i wasnt protected as a kid and got hurt..she talked more about letting go of the blame and blaming myself..she told me that although she could see through my mask she was pretty sure that not many other ppl could see through it...i told her that i did work hard to make sure that part of myself was not seen or noticed..and she agreed that my mask was a good one..she told me that things were going to get better for me..she said they were already starting to get better..i sat and listened to her..and wondered how she knew all of this..ive never talked to her about any of it..ive never menetioned any of this in her presence..with my old supervisor i did talk about the cutting a little bit..and well the rest she just sorta put together..but i knew she knew things..with this supervisor it was like a wall popping up in front of me out of no where..and i slammed right smack into it..and i havent been able to get past the wall...the most unnerving thing is that my supervisor told me that she could see me..as a kid..she told me that i was about 5 or 6..and that i was just crying and crying and crying..and that i was at a window but looking down..she started to tell me what i was wearing...how can she know that..how can she see me when i cant even see me? when i cant rememeber much of anything from back then..how can i tell her shes wrong when i dont have the slightest idea? that was the most unnerving thing..i mean the whole entire thing sorta left me speechless and unable to process..it was like my head just scattered into a million different pieces and i couldnt get myself back together..there were so many feelings and thoughts and all of it was just crowding on me and i couldnt hold on to any of it..i left her wanting to be comforted in the worst way and knowing of no way to get any sort of comfort..i was to rattled for real comfort but the need was there..i managed to send heather a message..and got a little validation..but its hard when i cant remeber everything and its all mixed up and confused and im not feeling so connected with myself..it took a long time to stop feeling so out of sorts and more contained and able to refocus my energy...before i left my supervisor i told her that i had a question for her but that i didnt know if i wanted to ask her...she told me to think about it and that i could ask her next week..so i told her okay..except my question is dealing with cutting and for whatever reason i need to know whether or not she knows about the cutting...and maybe its just that i need the confirmation that she knows about the cutting..and that not knowing and wondering is not helping my anxiety...how can i just sit down and ask her though..how can i tell her that i cut..that i have cut..that i do cut..my 2nd greatest shame is my cutting..and my scars..my 1st greastest is the whole binging and purging that happens at times..but that i dont talk about at all..but the cutting...the cutting i will talk about a little bit..and i guess on one hand im hoping she doesnt know..but at the same time i know i must really be kidding myself to think that she doesnt know..really stupid of me ..but i have to ask her some how..and i realize now that my supervisor has never given me a hug..but she has done like the arm touch/rub like when she is walking by me and stuff..and she always manages to touch my upper arm...i can touch my upper arm and realize what it is that i am feeling..and i am assuming she can too..and i guess i just always hoped that she couldnt..and it doesnt happen often or anything..just every once in a while..but she has touched the scars..but not seen the bulk of them..becuase i always try to keep my upper arms and what not covered...i slack off sometimes on the ones on my chest..sometimes it is just hard having to hide them..and keep them hidden..i cant accept what i dont acknowledge..and most of the time i do not acknowledge my scars..in the heat wave though i do hate them..i hate them i hate them.i hate them..my anxiety is up big time lately..and im picking..at everything..im picking at my face..im picking at old scars..im picking at bug bites..anything that i can pick i am..and im making sores and what not..but i cant seem to get myself to stop..at least this weekend my fingers are not picked to shreds..mainly because ive cut my nails and i cant get at some areas..but earlier this week my fingers were a mess...i try to stop i really do but i just keep picking..and then i get nervous about picking and it just gets worse not better..and i know better...i know better than to pick at my face..i know better than to mess with some areas and right now its like my nervousness and anxiety is just not manageable i guess and so im picking..a lot ...
i did finally clean my apartment..like vacummed and everything today..only because the cable person was coming and i wasnt ok with them being here and my apartment looking like a mess..so i made myself get up and clean..and i did..and its nice actually having my bed made up for once in like 3 months..clean sheets and everything..shocking i know..but i look at it..what i cleaned and i just see how i could have done a better job..how i could have just really finished..and got to every little thing..and so ive failed at it..once again..ive messed up and screwed up and im just a failure right now..major failure at just about everything..life..work..life..
one of the questions that i have to ask when i do the client intakes is what are some things you struggle with...i asked a client that last week and her response was life..at the time i told her that i couldnt put that..and asked her for something else..and she wouldnt change her answer..but i was just thinking about how much that is what is going on for me right now...im struggling with life..im struggling to manage my life..im just struggling in general and almost feel like a drug addict trying to find my next fix..you know im trying so very hard not to give in and break apart a razor just for the blades..i hate doing that...that makes me feel incredibly crazy and out of sorts..like i really have sunk to some horrible level to have to break something apart just for a few mintues of release...but it would be a nice few minutes of release..but i cant give in..i hope i dont give in .. ive already ruined my body so what will it hurt to finish ruining it..
writing all of this really does make me wonder if i am managing as well as i like to think im managing..im getting up and going to work most days..there have been some days when i cant deal with leaving my apartment and have to stay put..there are days when i know i am not reacint well and come home early and just skip out on going to work..most days i have to force myself to stay out and finish working because if i come home before im done i wont finish..i wont go back out..
sometimes i dont think i can be helped..i cant be saved..i cant be fixed..im not worth it..i have to much stuck in my head to get through..theres no time..ive run out of time..i did what i could and now i am give up..that would be nice..giving up would give me a break from caring..
but well i guess im done writing for tonight..my head is feeling a bit emptier..so i guess its time to get back to paperwork...it will be morning technically really soon.
ugh..feelings get to jumbled and confused with that little statement..it is hard and scary and attention seeking and bad ..because it is like asking for attention and attention is not good at all..and i dont know 
its just so frustrating to be trying to figure it all out...she did ask me to keep track of when i am feeling like i need something..and what it is and everything and i think i can do that..but im not so sure about taking steps to ask for anything from anyone else...