things have been kinda sucky lately..and a lot of it is job stuff..and my fault stuff..and dealing with the fall out of not having my work done and everything..and yes im expecting it but its a huge blow to the self esteem..and its like everyone decides tha i need to be told im doing a horrible job on the same day..and its just an overload of how much i suck you know...its just hard...and frustrating...
im disappointed in myself...big time..but everyone else is disappointed in me also...and its like im sorry i suck so badly..i am...and i cant sit there and make excuses for my behavior...i cant say what really happens because all it is will be excuses..and i dont do that..i accept that im screwing up..i do..but it doesnt make it hurt any less...it really doesnt..and then i feel stupid for being upset about something that is wholly my fault..and that is a direct result from my choices..and blah blah blah..i can understand both sides and that the part that makes it more sucky...either way..i have the consequences and i have to deal with them..i have to be an adult and deal with them..cas ugh yesterday i wanted to throw a tantrum...im not doing the preschool thing anymore...they asked for someone else...and that really hurt because that i wasnt expecting..at all..but ok i can move past that...but again it was like one of those no chance to say goodbye moments..and yeah it stinks cas i actually liked the kids..the teachers could bite me..but again..whatever..im just frustrated all around right now..cas with the s chool thing again no issues were brought to my attention..and it all went around me or was told to my boss and not me..and well whatever ..i can move on...
my work stuff is just frustrating right now..and ireally think that im going to end up with a pay cut if i change jobs...crap i would almost rather do residential again..ugh..
and im being given the run around for my pay check..and its been what 4 days and still no check..its freaking christmas and im still waiting to be paid.
im frustrated and highly pissed off and ive been calling my boss and he doesnt pick up and i dont know what to do right now..and im stuck..and annoyed..and just flat out mad..i think i have been incredibly patient waiting this out..and hoping things get better...things were supposed to be better in oct..and its not dec and the same things keep happening...and im sick of waiting...the insurance piece is all that is keeping me there..truly..and i just got the insurance..and im going to have to let it go...i cant keep doing this whole pay check thing...its not ok..and its not fair..and im frustrated...my car is a mess of issues...i had a flat the other day..and yesterday i managed to go and get tires for my car..so that was one thing..i have a crack on my windshield and my check engine light was on for a while yesterday...and i have no money to do anything with my car..i truly dont..and its just one big frustration...cas right now if i dont get paid i cant even pay my own bills again..and i wont have money to go home or shop or anything for christmas..and i dont know..its all just a mess again..and its frustrating me big time... and mommy is on me for mommy..and telling me that my siblings are all needing money ..and all of this stuff..and i cant do anything..she also wants me to considering moving to sc with my sister and her husband...and im just feeling like im being pulled in a million different directions right now..and nothing is really working out like i want it to...and i just keep feeling like im failing at everything i try to do..
anxiety is up...have a christmas party tonight weather permitting...and well just anxious about it...and still not feeling good completely
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