i need to figure out things for work next week..i realize that well one i need to not miss anymore work..and two i need to figure out to do about my jobs and all of that...i admit that having some time off did do wonders for making me feel calmer and more focused...but also knowing that well its time to go back to work is a big pain in the butt lol...gosh being an adult is a hassle...but well the insurance person is coming to look at my car tomorrow morning..and i realized a little late that well that means i wont be going to my staff meeting tomorrow morning..and i may not be going to my staff meeting tomorrow afternoon...i may go and see clients in the afternoon and evening though...and not worry about my staff meetings...i have some paperwork to turn in that i can finish up and email for the most part..or turn in tomorrow afternoon...im not sure yet how tomorrow is going to work out..and then i was thinking about just going and getting the rental but that wont work either cas well i would prefer im not sure about the deductible yet and when it needs to be paid..so i have to ask that tomorrow morning..and see..and i actually did want to go to my meetings tomorrow ...so a lot of thinking is going to be involved i think...and planning...i need to reschedule all of my clients for this week..and make sure i actually am seeing them..cas im supposed ti be turning in my hours for the past couple weeks tomorrow..which is also why i need to show up at work..and well my hours are miserable...and i need to get on the ball..with work and stuff....and i also got an email from one of my supervisors at my second job and was told that one of my clients has asked for a different counselor...and well i figured that was going to happen and i dont mind at all that she did..but i feel bad that it came to this..i mean i know i havent been giving her enough time and that she is suddenly needing me all the time and i just cant manage it...but i still feel guilty and like ive messed up...and the past couple weeks have just been really bad and all sorts of things have happened you know..and it stinks big time...but when i talk to my supervisor about it i will just let her know you know that things just havent worked out lately...and move on...gosh..its hard..being and adult..making changes...struggling so much and still having so many families depending on me to show up and help them..goodness...
but i was looking at jobs online yesterday and there is a job fair on thursday evening i think...that i kinda want to go to and check out..i mean just to see what it is about..and well it seems like the company is really looking for people and i guess i want to keep my options open..but i do want to go and at least check it out if possible.
but did call my insurance yesterday..and thankfully it was ok..it went a lot better than i thought it was going to go..and well that made me feel better a lot ... and someone is going to come and look at my car tomorrow..and then ill just have to figure out when i can take it in ...and well things are moving along i guess....
today im also going to have to turn in my key to my old apartment..and well that is making me feel really sad and well just sad ... its so weird how things change you know..and i know they are changing for the better..but i guess the apartment was my last link to like having our own place...and i know its like short term and stuff..but yeah..will try again in a few months..ok i guess its time for me to get up and get moving with my day....thats the plan ..hmmm im pretty sure i have a plan for the day ... wow..head cleared so i think i needed to write...
dreams have been really weird lately...very very weird and im not sure if they are scary or not but just...umm yeah...a bit off lol...
ok really am going now...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
hurting...sad...just i dont know...
was in an accident kinda today...car is messed up but driveable...banged up but not majorly hurt :( feeling stupid and worried and scared big time right now...dont want to drive..or anything..just keep messing things up.
Monday, October 25, 2010
still frustrated
im frustrated...i feel frustrated and just unsure...i have a headache and just want to lay down and not think anymore ..but i keep thinking because i just dont know what to do..i dont know if im just frustrated at myself or at my jobs or at the world...i cant tell anymore...and im trying to figure it out and i just keep going on and on and on..
as things become stable..the more unstable things get...
and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...
but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff
i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now 
i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that 
me
as things become stable..the more unstable things get...
and i guess its just the current work situation that is bothering me a lot today..and i realize that i need to give up some of my hours on my 2nd job..and im afraid to talk to my supervisor about it..im afraid to even bring it up but i know i need to...because my 1st job is demanding to much of me..i asked my supervisor at my 1st job honestly today what she thought about the company..about what she thought would happen...and we were able to have an honest discussion about it..and i guess it calmed my fears some..but not completely...but as i said im trying to stick it out..im trying to see what is going to happen...and i asked about my health insurance and i will get to do that info either this week or next week...that i will keep asking about..that i will make sure happens..if im staying then im expecting my insurance you know...
but i guess it is all confusing me..and i feel unsure of what is the right choice...right now i dont have the time or the energy to cover as many hours as i am asked to cover...with both jobs together..and just one job isnt really enough you know..but my head isnt in it..and im afraid that if i keep trying to work so much and keep trying to do so much that i will crack under the pressure...i already am easily overwhelmed..and struggling with the paperwork..and i guess i would rather back out now..and ask for time to get my head together ..and just have one fulltime and keep the preschool portion of the 2nd job..and maybe that will be a little more manageable..and less stressful..maybe i just need a little time to put more energy into us and getting stable and getting the depression under control before tackling two full time counseling jobs...what was i thinking??? accepting both jobs?? how did i make myself believe that i could handle it ? and now i am feeling it...now i feel pressure all the time..and im afraid almost to answer my phone some days because it will mean having to deal with a client in crisis..and i guess i caan turn off my own stuff to deal with the people and families i work with..but i guess im just at the bottom of the barrel right now and im having a hard time building up my own lasting resources..and i dont have it in me anymore to be able to give to anyone else..i cant get a handle on my depression enough to even want to give anything to anyone else...is it so bad to just want a little bit of quiet? no more expectations..just a little break...i am afraid that i wont be able to deal with working fulltime anymore if i cant get a handle on the depression and my own stuff..and im afraid that without work i wont have anything to keep my mind off of my own stuff
i feel so stupid for not being able to manage..for not being able to have both jobs..for not being able to save and make money and work and have fun..i dont know how to balance it all..and i try and just keep messing it up.. im out of ideas...im frustrated that the right thing to do just isnt spelled out for me..and that im not just told what to do...i hate not being able to give myself the answers that i am looking for..and i keep trying to think and do so much..and i end up slacking at both jobs..and i keep getting behind..and everyone is expecting me to get so many hours, to get money, to start being able to save and pay bills and put in so much time with my clients and i cant right now i just cant..and i dont know how to tell anyone that me
Sunday, October 24, 2010
where do i go from here?
well i have moved...for the most part i have moved..there is still some cleaning and small things that i need to take over to the storage place this week..and then it will be over and done with..and then ill be able to focus on paying off that rent and the other bills and paying mommy back..cas well now that i dont have rent she is expecting to get the money she loaned me back..and im not even sure really how much it was :( my fault for not keeping track better..but its upwards of $1000 i think...she paid my rent twice..and umm my car note and phone bill a couple times..so yeah i owe her quite a bit of money and she as already said that by mid nov she wants some of it back..and shes already told me that it needs to be a fair amount and not a little bit...so yeah..i know im going to need to sit down and figure out what i will be able to pay and what i cant..cas im just sick of bills and being behind with everything...i am..it frustrates me horribly...so that is going to get worked out asap...and then saving and all of that for the holidays and everything...so yeah..guess ill just have to see how it goes...
work stuff will be busy this week..but i am getting to go to the pumpkin patch on wed..which i am looking forward to actually..and heather and her husband invited to this halloween get together on saturday..i guess i have really gotten out of habit with being around other people and living with someone else...ive been used to my own space and my own messiness..and just being alone and struggling..and now that im in a house with 2 other people..i feel lost and confused..because im stuck in 'good behavior' mode..and im trying to stay out of the way..but at the same time its feels like i am hiding and isolating..and its just that its new and different and im unsure of things..and so i end up being really quiet..and kind of aloof i guess..and i dont want them to think im not grateful..because i am..im just trying to get used to everything and being in a new area is fairly nerve wrecking for me...but im trying...i think..i hope..
but now that the moving is done i have to start paying attention to work again..and getting stuff in on time and all of that...ugh...not fun...not fun at all ...blah
maybe ill just lay down for a little while and then get up and do work stuff...
work stuff will be busy this week..but i am getting to go to the pumpkin patch on wed..which i am looking forward to actually..and heather and her husband invited to this halloween get together on saturday..i guess i have really gotten out of habit with being around other people and living with someone else...ive been used to my own space and my own messiness..and just being alone and struggling..and now that im in a house with 2 other people..i feel lost and confused..because im stuck in 'good behavior' mode..and im trying to stay out of the way..but at the same time its feels like i am hiding and isolating..and its just that its new and different and im unsure of things..and so i end up being really quiet..and kind of aloof i guess..and i dont want them to think im not grateful..because i am..im just trying to get used to everything and being in a new area is fairly nerve wrecking for me...but im trying...i think..i hope..
but now that the moving is done i have to start paying attention to work again..and getting stuff in on time and all of that...ugh...not fun...not fun at all ...blah
maybe ill just lay down for a little while and then get up and do work stuff...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
moving
i really almost cant believe im moving today...im scared ..worrried..things are changing and i keep saying it will be ok and that this is a good thing..and it will be ok and that its just short term.but still im scared some...but i gotta go and try to pack some more
Thursday, October 21, 2010
im just tired
how is it that the one day ..the one week i need for work stuff to be ok...its all emergencies and crisis and i need i need i need from everyone possible please tell me how my clients keep increasing and my time is dwindling..and im frustrated to all heck with everyone else and their issues...i have my own issues to deal with too ok...im not some super hero and my life and my time is just soley dedicated to my clients and there stuff... sunday is turning into a work day..and tomorrow will not be a complete day off..and its like crap..ive worked every day this week and done all sorts of things to do with moving..and still i end up slacking on the moving stuff and having to put more and more time to work..and i keep trying to say no i cant do it..and it doesnt happen and so my time keeps getting taken away from me.. and its hard you know..im tired..and its all just wearing me out.big time..and i just want a break...but i dont know how to take a break right...im obssessing about money and bills and needing to get as many hours as i can..and i try hard to keep at least an hour for t and not let anything get scheduled in its place..but right now its like maybe i need to rethink that..maybe i need to just give up on having time to my self..and just give all of my time to work and running around and meeting everyone elses needs and not my own 
i try and keep trying so hard to make it all work..and at the same time i have to realize that this wont work forever..but right now i dont have the security with either of my jobs..and one does not outweigh the other..and im trying to hang on to both of them until i have to really pick one or the other...until i know for sure what will happen ...because in the end i have to get the job with the insurance...or else i need to find one with insurance...ugh..its all just hard and confusing..and im just tired...
and then i wonder why i cant manage to focus and pack..by the time i get home i dont want to think about packing..i just want to lay down and go to sleep...but i look at all i have yet to do and i feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.
and i just dont want to do anything at all...
please tell me how my clients keep increasing and my time is dwindling..and im frustrated to all heck with everyone else and their issues...i have my own issues to deal with too ok...im not some super hero and my life and my time is just soley dedicated to my clients and there stuff... sunday is turning into a work day..and tomorrow will not be a complete day off..and its like crap..ive worked every day this week and done all sorts of things to do with moving..and still i end up slacking on the moving stuff and having to put more and more time to work..and i keep trying to say no i cant do it..and it doesnt happen and so my time keeps getting taken away from me.. and its hard you know..im tired..and its all just wearing me out.big time..and i just want a break...but i dont know how to take a break right...im obssessing about money and bills and needing to get as many hours as i can..and i try hard to keep at least an hour for t and not let anything get scheduled in its place..but right now its like maybe i need to rethink that..maybe i need to just give up on having time to my self..and just give all of my time to work and running around and meeting everyone elses needs and not my own i try and keep trying so hard to make it all work..and at the same time i have to realize that this wont work forever..but right now i dont have the security with either of my jobs..and one does not outweigh the other..and im trying to hang on to both of them until i have to really pick one or the other...until i know for sure what will happen ...because in the end i have to get the job with the insurance...or else i need to find one with insurance...ugh..its all just hard and confusing..and im just tired...and then i wonder why i cant manage to focus and pack..by the time i get home i dont want to think about packing..i just want to lay down and go to sleep...but i look at all i have yet to do and i feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.
and i just dont want to do anything at all...
Monday, October 18, 2010
i panicked...
i dont know what i was thinking...i panicked big time today..well this evening..in tears..freaking out..falling apart..the whole nine yards..i was not ok..and well it happened because of moving..because suddenly things are not ideas anymore ..they are happening..and i have to manage to get it together to pack and move by saturday..
guess how many boxes i have? guess how much i have actually packed? how much i have gotten done?? or started??
NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...
im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..
suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...
im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...
and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my 'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...
i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..
deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...
no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...
somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(
guess how many boxes i have? guess how much i have actually packed? how much i have gotten done?? or started??
NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...
im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..
suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...
im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...
and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my 'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...
i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..
deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...
no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...
somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(
Sunday, October 17, 2010
med issues
i dont know what to do about the current meds..im not sure they are helping but i dont know what else to ask for
i mean this past week ive been tired..and i thought it was the depression you know..i know being depressed can sap your energy big time..and yeah ive been depressed a lot..and so literally all i was doing was going to work and coming home..and spending a little time online..and then just going to bed..a few mornings i over slept..then i struggled to get up and moving and get out of the house...and then yesterday..i really just pretty much slept all day..something that i never ever do...and well i guess i was feeling super depressed yesterday..i dont know...maybe i cant even tell when im depressed anymore because i just stay depressed...but today..i didnt nap at all..i tried a couple times though ..and really had to force the no going to sleep rule today...but all i think about is sleeping..and all i want to do is sleep..and maybe thats making it a little more extreme than it is..but really i seem to only last a couple hours..and then i spend the next ten hours yawning or something..and i feel like i have no energy..and i realize it can be a lot of different things playing into it..i mean no im not eating the healthiest..and now im prolly not taking the best care of myself...but i think the depression makes it all worse..and i dont know..i mean no the meds arent going to fix things..but darnit i would hope the meds would give me a fighting chance at least..and nothing is making things better or more manageable or anything...and im just frustrated with all of it and not sure anymore what i want or need to ask the pdoc about...
currently i have 3 meds...im not sure if i need the trazodone stopped cas of feeling so tired...i dont know if i want to ask for the effexor to go higher so that i can feel saner..and im not even sure what the celexa is doing...i dont know if i should ask to try something different..or if there is anything that will help me focus and feel motivated and all of that..i dont know if i need to ask for the ones im on to go higher..or if i need to consider stopping them..and letting pdoc figure out something else..i just dont know..and i see pdoc on tuesday to talk about the meds and all that..and id rather not have another talk about hospitals and such..and so that means telling her whats going on..and im not sure whats going on..im just tired and sad all the time..thats all..i guess the sui feelings are a bit less..i dont remember if ive written about it any this past week..hmm no i think there were couple days..but not as bad as it was the week before..so no i dont know what to do about it at all ..i was thinking well maybe it would be best to just work out the effexor and increase it cas it helps the most i think..but if the effexor is the one that is making me more and more tired then well increasing it wont do anything but knock me out..which may or may not be a good thing.. havent decided on that yet..but i would rather that was increased i guess over increasing any of the other ones...or maybe i just need to try a different anti depressant..
ugh..i feel like all im doing is just repeating myself over and over and over..and not getting anywhere...
so i guess its just going to be meds..and heading to bed..
i mean this past week ive been tired..and i thought it was the depression you know..i know being depressed can sap your energy big time..and yeah ive been depressed a lot..and so literally all i was doing was going to work and coming home..and spending a little time online..and then just going to bed..a few mornings i over slept..then i struggled to get up and moving and get out of the house...and then yesterday..i really just pretty much slept all day..something that i never ever do...and well i guess i was feeling super depressed yesterday..i dont know...maybe i cant even tell when im depressed anymore because i just stay depressed...but today..i didnt nap at all..i tried a couple times though ..and really had to force the no going to sleep rule today...but all i think about is sleeping..and all i want to do is sleep..and maybe thats making it a little more extreme than it is..but really i seem to only last a couple hours..and then i spend the next ten hours yawning or something..and i feel like i have no energy..and i realize it can be a lot of different things playing into it..i mean no im not eating the healthiest..and now im prolly not taking the best care of myself...but i think the depression makes it all worse..and i dont know..i mean no the meds arent going to fix things..but darnit i would hope the meds would give me a fighting chance at least..and nothing is making things better or more manageable or anything...and im just frustrated with all of it and not sure anymore what i want or need to ask the pdoc about...
currently i have 3 meds...im not sure if i need the trazodone stopped cas of feeling so tired...i dont know if i want to ask for the effexor to go higher so that i can feel saner..and im not even sure what the celexa is doing...i dont know if i should ask to try something different..or if there is anything that will help me focus and feel motivated and all of that..i dont know if i need to ask for the ones im on to go higher..or if i need to consider stopping them..and letting pdoc figure out something else..i just dont know..and i see pdoc on tuesday to talk about the meds and all that..and id rather not have another talk about hospitals and such..and so that means telling her whats going on..and im not sure whats going on..im just tired and sad all the time..thats all..i guess the sui feelings are a bit less..i dont remember if ive written about it any this past week..hmm no i think there were couple days..but not as bad as it was the week before..so no i dont know what to do about it at all ..i was thinking well maybe it would be best to just work out the effexor and increase it cas it helps the most i think..but if the effexor is the one that is making me more and more tired then well increasing it wont do anything but knock me out..which may or may not be a good thing..
havent decided on that yet..but i would rather that was increased i guess over increasing any of the other ones...or maybe i just need to try a different anti depressant..ugh..i feel like all im doing is just repeating myself over and over and over..and not getting anywhere...
so i guess its just going to be meds..and heading to bed..
Saturday, October 16, 2010
.....
i think all ive done is sleep today...
really..woke up at like 7:30...ended up sleep again by 11:30...up again at five...and just took meds again for going back to sleep..
im not thinking..or doing anything at all except watching the hours go by until i can go back to sleep..i dont want to have to think anymore..my head hurts..and when im awake all i think about is how messed up everything is..and how hard everything ..and how much everything how much everything is just messed and depressing and not ok...im tired you know..im really tired 
everything is a mess and i cant fix any of it 
really..woke up at like 7:30...ended up sleep again by 11:30...up again at five...and just took meds again for going back to sleep..
im not thinking..or doing anything at all except watching the hours go by until i can go back to sleep..i dont want to have to think anymore..my head hurts..and when im awake all i think about is how messed up everything is..and how hard everything ..and how much everything
how much everything is just messed and depressing and not ok...im tired you know..im really tired everything is a mess and i cant fix any of it
things are changing a lot...
well things are changing ... im moving..well im moving with a frriend..which will be happening the weekend of the 23rd...will be staying there for 3 months...going to try to keep it to three months and then you know find my own place to live...again...i just need some time to regroup..and get things in order...and save up a bit...before trying again on my own..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..
have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...
just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..
have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...
just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
life sucks and then you die
i think that there just are not enough words to describe how awful today was...
work stuff frustrated me to tears..
got a ticket ..and then i was in tears..
late for everything under the sun today
tired and depressed
saw t today and well she told me i was clincally depressed ..and that moving in with heather is a good idea..
she says im managing when i just feel like im falling apart...
i just want to go to bed..and sleep forever..
work stuff frustrated me to tears..
got a ticket ..and then i was in tears..
late for everything under the sun today
tired and depressed
saw t today and well she told me i was clincally depressed ..and that moving in with heather is a good idea..
she says im managing when i just feel like im falling apart...
i just want to go to bed..and sleep forever..
Monday, October 11, 2010
i guess it has reached the end...
i forgot that mommy mentioned me moving home today :( told me that it was an option ...worked so hard to get away..just to have to look at moving home again..this wasnt supposed to happen..it really wasnt.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
theres really nothing to say....
i got a call today about my check for this week...i wont be getting it..i wont get paid until the 29th of the month...3 full weeks away..what am i supposed to do about money?! what am i supposed to do about anything ?? im at the end of my rope .. im upset and frustrated and the negative thoughts are extreme right now..i just want to go to bed..i dont want to work ..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to do anything right now..i just want to sleep cas that will stop me from doing anything bad..i just want to hurt..to destroy something..and im all that i have..im going to go and try to stay busy..but i dont care..im just tired of all of this..so very very tired...and dejected...and things just keep messing up..things keep screwing up..and i cant deal..i just cant..
Saturday, October 09, 2010
....i dont know anymore
i dont know what to do..move..or not to move..stay with a friend...travel back and forth to work..ugh..i just cant catch a break..i cant get ahead..im frustrated and tired and hopeless about all of it..i am :( i dont want to keep doing this...looking and hoping for things to work out..i just want to give up and go hide and just call it quits and not have to struggle anymore..i cant do this...ive failed..and i guess thats all there is to say..
Thursday, October 07, 2010
blah
still struggling..still feeling hopeless...but trying to keep going and keep working and doing what i need to do..
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
just need to write...
my head is still trying to understand and accept all that has happened today...im not sure really if im happy or upset or calmer or anything really..im just back to being neutral..for now anyway..throughout the day that has changed a lot and ive tried hard to focus and get things done..i mean im still feeling utterly unmotivated..and everything..but at the same time im a little bit calmer than i have been the past few days...
so i guess ill start at the beginning of the day and just go from there...
i saw pdoc this morning..and well the biggest result is that i am having my meds increased..and it will take me back to where i was before with the effexor kinda..im still taking it twice a day but at a higher dose..which is fine with me...i figured that today wasnt the day to try and convince my pdoc that i wanted serious drugs..cas well she wouldnt have been to happy with me...in general i dont think she was to happy with me..but umm yeah...i mentioned being suicidal and it was like everything stopped and i just had to talk about that..i tried to mess around and beat around the bush and she told me to stop because i knew exactly what she was talking about..and she was right..and i didnt like that she was right...i didnt like that the hospital came up in the conversation..i dont like that i told the truth and it ended up being a conversation about the hospital...im terrified of the hospital ..and at the same time i know i want a break..from everything..from life..from working..from stress..and im afraid that if i go to the hospital ill just want to stay and that cant happen..i have to much life stuff to deal with and going into the hospital would ruin everything..i dont need ppl feeling sorry for me..or treating me like im going to break..and so i just keep forcing myself to keep going and to keep struggling through this mess that i have to call my life...and i force myself to believe that the hospital is not an option..that i have to deal with all that is going on ..and when i cant i end up feeling completely hopeless and stuck and even more suicidal..and it seems like it just keeps happening and i get so tired of trying and fighting to deal with my own life..so i guess long story short i wasnt to happy with the dr today...if i hadnt had to be in control so much im would have called her a meany head and started pouting...but yeah that didnt happen..and so i just got quiet and tried to focus and pay attention..but i didnt like the conversation and i was trying hard to ignore what she was saying..and thinking up ways to get out of ever being forced into the hospital..but i was really anxious when i left her..and i had to stick around for therapy..so i went and hung out in my car..and caught up on some work phone calls and everything..and got myself together in some form or fashion and went back in for therapy..but i think the depression/sad feelings where to much to deal with by then and i couldnt figure out how to be happy..and i think linda figured out something was up...but i really truly wasnt happy or anything at the time...and so i talked to linda about all of it...i really did let her know i was struggling and all that was going on..and what was happening and i did talk to her..and i guess i didnt like that i was talking because then it was just leaving me feeling more and more depressed and sad and frustrated...we talked about how my pride is getting in the way ..and that i need to use my resources and get help with the financal stuff and all of that..and she told me not to give up..and to work on one thing at a time...and well she told me that she would be really pissed off with me if i killed myself..cas we were having the conversation about cutting and if she would be mad at me..and well i told her that no one cared about me..and she told me i was wrong..and that there were a lot of people who cared about me...but i told her i would work on not giving up..and currently im not suicidal or anything..im very depressed but not thinking about dying...but depressed..i want to go to bed...all i do lately is sleep or spend time doing things i dont remember on the computer or watching movies...i told linda to that i was to unmotivated to kill myself and that i did sorta have a plan..the thoughts are worse now..they are..and im trying you know to keep fighting them..but then i end up feeling so hopeless and dying looks like such a good option and i just want things to stop and be quiet for a while..and it gets all confusing :( and i have to go back and see pdoc in 2 weeks..and linda also told me not to miss anymore sessions with her..i missed last week cas of work issues..and can this week..and well this week im like falling apart all over the place and suicidal and all that..and its like ok i wont miss anymore sessions..
and well i guess thats enough for all of that...but the other stuff i have been thinking of..money,,moving..jobs..ugh..theres so much...
the need to move is important...well i have to move..i do..i just cant afford living here..and i was thinking that i wanted to have a 2 bedroom...well i do want a two bedroom apartment..but for now i cant afford it..and im getting so frustrating trying to find a two bedroom..and i think i need to look for a one bedroom instead..i mean i have way to much stuff for a two bedroom and i really have no idea where in the hell im going to put some of the furniture that is left over from yvonne that she gave to me..but really im just frustrated and overwhelmed with looking and being worried about money..and all that..and i guess for now i need to find a place that i like and feel safe in and is affordable...and that is a 1 bedroom...and i think one of the other things that is really frustrating me with the apartment looking is that i have to pay so much extra money for bounce and dusti..and i really am all for being honest and all of that..but really..its like an extra 300 for pet fees and deposits and all of that..and they have to come with me..i just dont want to pay for them just yet..and then i get all twisted up feeling guilty..and out of sorts ..but darn it i just cant afford anything right now...and it frustrates the hell out of me..so i dont know what to do just yet...and i talked to the office today for where i live now and well letter from my job or not ill still be charged the late fee..for not having my rent in time..and i realize i wont h ave the rent anyway..and so i dont know what to do about that...i was told i HAD to do the 2 month notice..even though my lease is up..and that makes me mad cas well im moving cas i cant afford it..and maybe i just need to let them evict me and deal with paying them whatever i owe them then..and im sure it will be less than a month and ill be evicted for not paying..ugh so stupid...and well the place i did like i have been warned against..because there are a lot of drugs and stuff there..and i just keep thinking that i will be ok..you know i stay out of stuff and dont really talk to anyone anyway..but its that now that ive been told not to go there and cant go there ..and so im back to square one and looking for an apartment..and will just have to figure it out...how in the world can i condense my stuff down to a one bedroom?! crap crap crap..really feel like im getting nowhere though..with the search..and i dont know..its disappointing big time...but i guess i need to keep reminding myself that i can move again later on down the line...
and well the job stuff is pretty much going in the same way...2 jobs...both stressful..losing hours at my main job..but gaining hours at my second job..and well the not getting paid is just frustrating..and i am truly trying to be patient..i am...but i dont know what to do about it..and well i guess thats prolly why im frustrated with it all..
and well my lack of money and not being able to pay things really is frustrating me too..the check i get at the end of the week really needs to go towards other bills..and not rent..but i need to pay rent..and i dont know which i need to cover more..that 300 and some electric bill i have to pay..and then theres my car insurance that i have to pay..and well rent is not as high up on the list i guess..and thats bad..but i cant pay everything..and i have to be ok with that and accept the consequences of my choices..and i dont like them..i really dont liike that im stuck choosing which is more important to pay..:( cas it makes me feel bad..but well i dont make enough money to cover it all and money doesnt grow on trees..and so i have to choose..and i have to deal with it...ugh :(
and well there is the issue of paperwork that i havent turned in that i need to get done and in tomorrow..and im trying to find the motivation to do it..and ugh..
there is just so much going on and i keep trying to look at all of it together and not breaking it apart..and its making me feel awful and even more depressed and i guess hopeless too..and im just stuck..completely..and i dont know what to do..i cant think anymore tonight..i really cant..i guess its time for me to go to bed then..maybe after getting so sleep this will all just make sense and i wont be struggling anymore..
but on a completely different side note..i really need to stop trying to make myself feel better with food...i know im doing it and i know i feel powerless to stop it..but it needs to stop...im using money that i need for other stuff on food and i have food in the house and i need to eat it..and i need to cook..and stop messing around...
and i just feel the need to damn mcdonalds for that darn monopoly game..crap..every year i think im gonna win and that i have to get as many pieces as possible..when i know im not going to win and yeah..its like i get suckered into going to mcdonalds more often cas i want the pieces..and not really so much the food..but if i buy the food then i have to eat it..and so on and so forth..if nothing else i am predictable in my issues...and i get comfortable doing things i know i shouldnt do...and then just feel horrible about it later on..or as im doing it...i wont get into what ive eaten today.but its just been really bad ..and i know i just need to do better and work harder to control it tomorrow..
and today i actually had something different to talk about with linda but i got sidetracked and didnt bring it up...so maybe next week if i can keep it together...
but yeah..now i have a headache and am feeling really uncomfortable..so im going to lay down now...
so i guess ill start at the beginning of the day and just go from there...
i saw pdoc this morning..and well the biggest result is that i am having my meds increased..and it will take me back to where i was before with the effexor kinda..im still taking it twice a day but at a higher dose..which is fine with me...i figured that today wasnt the day to try and convince my pdoc that i wanted serious drugs..cas well she wouldnt have been to happy with me...in general i dont think she was to happy with me..but umm yeah...i mentioned being suicidal and it was like everything stopped and i just had to talk about that..i tried to mess around and beat around the bush and she told me to stop because i knew exactly what she was talking about..and she was right..and i didnt like that she was right...i didnt like that the hospital came up in the conversation..i dont like that i told the truth and it ended up being a conversation about the hospital...im terrified of the hospital ..and at the same time i know i want a break..from everything..from life..from working..from stress..and im afraid that if i go to the hospital ill just want to stay and that cant happen..i have to much life stuff to deal with and going into the hospital would ruin everything..i dont need ppl feeling sorry for me..or treating me like im going to break..and so i just keep forcing myself to keep going and to keep struggling through this mess that i have to call my life...and i force myself to believe that the hospital is not an option..that i have to deal with all that is going on ..and when i cant i end up feeling completely hopeless and stuck and even more suicidal..and it seems like it just keeps happening and i get so tired of trying and fighting to deal with my own life..so i guess long story short i wasnt to happy with the dr today...if i hadnt had to be in control so much im would have called her a meany head and started pouting...but yeah that didnt happen..and so i just got quiet and tried to focus and pay attention..but i didnt like the conversation and i was trying hard to ignore what she was saying..and thinking up ways to get out of ever being forced into the hospital..but i was really anxious when i left her..and i had to stick around for therapy..so i went and hung out in my car..and caught up on some work phone calls and everything..and got myself together in some form or fashion and went back in for therapy..but i think the depression/sad feelings where to much to deal with by then and i couldnt figure out how to be happy..and i think linda figured out something was up...but i really truly wasnt happy or anything at the time...and so i talked to linda about all of it...i really did let her know i was struggling and all that was going on..and what was happening and i did talk to her..and i guess i didnt like that i was talking because then it was just leaving me feeling more and more depressed and sad and frustrated...we talked about how my pride is getting in the way ..and that i need to use my resources and get help with the financal stuff and all of that..and she told me not to give up..and to work on one thing at a time...and well she told me that she would be really pissed off with me if i killed myself..cas we were having the conversation about cutting and if she would be mad at me..and well i told her that no one cared about me..and she told me i was wrong..and that there were a lot of people who cared about me...but i told her i would work on not giving up..and currently im not suicidal or anything..im very depressed but not thinking about dying...but depressed..i want to go to bed...all i do lately is sleep or spend time doing things i dont remember on the computer or watching movies...i told linda to that i was to unmotivated to kill myself and that i did sorta have a plan..the thoughts are worse now..they are..and im trying you know to keep fighting them..but then i end up feeling so hopeless and dying looks like such a good option and i just want things to stop and be quiet for a while..and it gets all confusing :( and i have to go back and see pdoc in 2 weeks..and linda also told me not to miss anymore sessions with her..i missed last week cas of work issues..and can this week..and well this week im like falling apart all over the place and suicidal and all that..and its like ok i wont miss anymore sessions..
and well i guess thats enough for all of that...but the other stuff i have been thinking of..money,,moving..jobs..ugh..theres so much...
the need to move is important...well i have to move..i do..i just cant afford living here..and i was thinking that i wanted to have a 2 bedroom...well i do want a two bedroom apartment..but for now i cant afford it..and im getting so frustrating trying to find a two bedroom..and i think i need to look for a one bedroom instead..i mean i have way to much stuff for a two bedroom and i really have no idea where in the hell im going to put some of the furniture that is left over from yvonne that she gave to me..but really im just frustrated and overwhelmed with looking and being worried about money..and all that..and i guess for now i need to find a place that i like and feel safe in and is affordable...and that is a 1 bedroom...and i think one of the other things that is really frustrating me with the apartment looking is that i have to pay so much extra money for bounce and dusti..and i really am all for being honest and all of that..but really..its like an extra 300 for pet fees and deposits and all of that..and they have to come with me..i just dont want to pay for them just yet..and then i get all twisted up feeling guilty..and out of sorts ..but darn it i just cant afford anything right now...and it frustrates the hell out of me..so i dont know what to do just yet...and i talked to the office today for where i live now and well letter from my job or not ill still be charged the late fee..for not having my rent in time..and i realize i wont h ave the rent anyway..and so i dont know what to do about that...i was told i HAD to do the 2 month notice..even though my lease is up..and that makes me mad cas well im moving cas i cant afford it..and maybe i just need to let them evict me and deal with paying them whatever i owe them then..and im sure it will be less than a month and ill be evicted for not paying..ugh so stupid...and well the place i did like i have been warned against..because there are a lot of drugs and stuff there..and i just keep thinking that i will be ok..you know i stay out of stuff and dont really talk to anyone anyway..but its that now that ive been told not to go there and cant go there ..and so im back to square one and looking for an apartment..and will just have to figure it out...how in the world can i condense my stuff down to a one bedroom?! crap crap crap..really feel like im getting nowhere though..with the search..and i dont know..its disappointing big time...but i guess i need to keep reminding myself that i can move again later on down the line...
and well the job stuff is pretty much going in the same way...2 jobs...both stressful..losing hours at my main job..but gaining hours at my second job..and well the not getting paid is just frustrating..and i am truly trying to be patient..i am...but i dont know what to do about it..and well i guess thats prolly why im frustrated with it all..
and well my lack of money and not being able to pay things really is frustrating me too..the check i get at the end of the week really needs to go towards other bills..and not rent..but i need to pay rent..and i dont know which i need to cover more..that 300 and some electric bill i have to pay..and then theres my car insurance that i have to pay..and well rent is not as high up on the list i guess..and thats bad..but i cant pay everything..and i have to be ok with that and accept the consequences of my choices..and i dont like them..i really dont liike that im stuck choosing which is more important to pay..:( cas it makes me feel bad..but well i dont make enough money to cover it all and money doesnt grow on trees..and so i have to choose..and i have to deal with it...ugh :(
and well there is the issue of paperwork that i havent turned in that i need to get done and in tomorrow..and im trying to find the motivation to do it..and ugh..
there is just so much going on and i keep trying to look at all of it together and not breaking it apart..and its making me feel awful and even more depressed and i guess hopeless too..and im just stuck..completely..and i dont know what to do..i cant think anymore tonight..i really cant..i guess its time for me to go to bed then..maybe after getting so sleep this will all just make sense and i wont be struggling anymore..
but on a completely different side note..i really need to stop trying to make myself feel better with food...i know im doing it and i know i feel powerless to stop it..but it needs to stop...im using money that i need for other stuff on food and i have food in the house and i need to eat it..and i need to cook..and stop messing around...
and i just feel the need to damn mcdonalds for that darn monopoly game..crap..every year i think im gonna win and that i have to get as many pieces as possible..when i know im not going to win and yeah..its like i get suckered into going to mcdonalds more often cas i want the pieces..and not really so much the food..but if i buy the food then i have to eat it..and so on and so forth..if nothing else i am predictable in my issues...and i get comfortable doing things i know i shouldnt do...and then just feel horrible about it later on..or as im doing it...i wont get into what ive eaten today.but its just been really bad ..and i know i just need to do better and work harder to control it tomorrow..
and today i actually had something different to talk about with linda but i got sidetracked and didnt bring it up...so maybe next week if i can keep it together...
but yeah..now i have a headache and am feeling really uncomfortable..so im going to lay down now...
yep..things still suck
weird night...fell asleep on the couch and then got up in the middle of the night and fell asleep on the floor..and then got up again and went to bed..only to wake up to dusti sleeping on me ... yeah it was a weird night!
geez what happened today ? how did it come to this..again...all the bad thoughts..and feeling unsafe...the mistake of telling t and pdoc about those feelings ..and once again having conversations about the hospital..and what will happen if i cant keep myself safe
i hadnt planned on even going there with either of them..but somehow it came out and ..i tried to pretend i had no idea what the pdoc was talking to..can she jumped right on the sui feelings and just had to talk about it..but she saw right through it..cas she is right in that i do know exactly what she meant..i deal with putting kids in the hospital..and being there when they are admitted..i know how it works..and at the same time i know how to avoid it to..and so then we had to talk about what it would take if i was feeling unsafe..and it was just depressing talking about it...depressing thinking about it..just all around depressing today ..and well just in general lately its been depressing...and t told me not to give up..and to keep trying and doing one thing at a time..but i dont know..she also told me not to miss anymore sessions ... given last week was understandable cas there was a work issue..but yeah..it was like massive down hill spiral that wasnt able to be stopped since i didnt have a chance to see her last week..and i dont know..pdoc did up the meds a bit...but im not to hopeful about that or anything else right now...so i just dont know..but hmm trying to get through my other stuff today so i can come home and do paperwork that im once again behind on...ugh i think i kinda hate everything right now...
t did tell me though that she would be incredibly pissed at me if i killed myself ...which i prolly needed to hear i guess
geez what happened today ? how did it come to this..again...all the bad thoughts..and feeling unsafe...the mistake of telling t and pdoc about those feelings ..and once again having conversations about the hospital..and what will happen if i cant keep myself safe
i hadnt planned on even going there with either of them..but somehow it came out and ..i tried to pretend i had no idea what the pdoc was talking to..can she jumped right on the sui feelings and just had to talk about it..but she saw right through it..cas she is right in that i do know exactly what she meant..i deal with putting kids in the hospital..and being there when they are admitted..i know how it works..and at the same time i know how to avoid it to..and so then we had to talk about what it would take if i was feeling unsafe..and it was just depressing talking about it...depressing thinking about it..just all around depressing today ..and well just in general lately its been depressing...and t told me not to give up..and to keep trying and doing one thing at a time..but i dont know..she also told me not to miss anymore sessions ... given last week was understandable cas there was a work issue..but yeah..it was like massive down hill spiral that wasnt able to be stopped since i didnt have a chance to see her last week..and i dont know..pdoc did up the meds a bit...but im not to hopeful about that or anything else right now...so i just dont know..but hmm trying to get through my other stuff today so i can come home and do paperwork that im once again behind on...ugh i think i kinda hate everything right now...t did tell me though that she would be incredibly pissed at me if i killed myself ...which i prolly needed to hear i guess
Monday, October 04, 2010
....
i dont know..i cant seem to stop worrying..i keep trying to figure it all out and i dont have any answers at all..and that upsets me..i hate not knowing what is going to happen and how its going to work out..i cant be ok with just a 'hope'...i need more than that i need concrete plans..i need to know how its all going to work out and none of whats going on is like that or even a possibility and it frustrates me horribly...
because i cant decide..because i get scared and overwhelmed and cant think..im afraid of what is going to happen or how things are going to work out..i dont know..:( i do see t and pdoc tomorrow..maybe they will help ...
im tired though...like sleepy tired all of a sudden and i just want to go to bed...im freezing and refuse to turn the heat on or close the windows..cas well i dont know..but i cant even manage to catch up on the electric bill..and its so late..and every day i wonder if im going to come home and have the lights turned off or something..and i guess thats one thing i have to pay at the end of the week... ireally truly cant get ahead right now
i need concrete plans..i need to know how its all going to work out and none of whats going on is like that or even a possibility and it frustrates me horribly...because i cant decide..because i get scared and overwhelmed and cant think..im afraid of what is going to happen or how things are going to work out..i dont know..:( i do see t and pdoc tomorrow..maybe they will help ...
im tired though...like sleepy tired all of a sudden and i just want to go to bed...im freezing and refuse to turn the heat on or close the windows..cas well i dont know..but i cant even manage to catch up on the electric bill..and its so late..and every day i wonder if im going to come home and have the lights turned off or something..and i guess thats one thing i have to pay at the end of the week...
ireally truly cant get ahead right now
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
just cant get ahead :(
the staff meeting yesterday was just to say that the company is still struggling..and that checks are going to be a full week late for some people...i hadnt been told ahead of time that i wasnt getting a check..i was told yesterday at 3 in the afternoon that i wasnt getting a check 
what the hell am i supposed to do ?! i needed that check..i have bills to pay..i need gas and grocerys and everything..and its overwhelming..iasked for gas money..and the boss gave me a little bit..and its like..well if im not getting paid and i dont have the money for gas i just cant see clines as much next week..but if i dont see them then my next check will be horrible..and i dont know what to do..you know he gave the speech and asked us to be patient and that he just needed like 30 more days and things would be back on track ... i cant decide if iwant to look for another job or if i am willing to stick it out and see what happens...theres to much trying to change right now..moving and a new job all at the same time is overwhelming..but moving and having a job where i cant depend on getting my paycheck on time is overwhelming me too..and so yesterday i had to plead for my check from my second job..with the understanding that every bit of paperwork will be in to them on monday...so now i have some money for the little stuff like gas and food and what not..but not enough to cover any bills..and im just frustrated and overwhelmed and wanting to do very very bad things 
and the possibility of moving and well also the possibiltiy of having to stay here for two months and struggling to pay the 825 in addition to fees for another place and all of that..and i dont know how to manage it..i dont know how to get anything done..and i just want to say screw it and just stay here ..where im at now..but i know there are cheaper places..and it would be logical to move..but i cant think about anything and im tired and worn out from thinking and trying to figure things out..and i just want to lay down and never get back up again..i really dont..
what the hell am i supposed to do ?! i needed that check..i have bills to pay..i need gas and grocerys and everything..and its overwhelming..iasked for gas money..and the boss gave me a little bit..and its like..well if im not getting paid and i dont have the money for gas i just cant see clines as much next week..but if i dont see them then my next check will be horrible..and i dont know what to do..you know he gave the speech and asked us to be patient and that he just needed like 30 more days and things would be back on track ... i cant decide if iwant to look for another job or if i am willing to stick it out and see what happens...theres to much trying to change right now..moving and a new job all at the same time is overwhelming..but moving and having a job where i cant depend on getting my paycheck on time is overwhelming me too..and so yesterday i had to plead for my check from my second job..with the understanding that every bit of paperwork will be in to them on monday...so now i have some money for the little stuff like gas and food and what not..but not enough to cover any bills..and im just frustrated and overwhelmed and wanting to do very very bad things and the possibility of moving and well also the possibiltiy of having to stay here for two months and struggling to pay the 825 in addition to fees for another place and all of that..and i dont know how to manage it..i dont know how to get anything done..and i just want to say screw it and just stay here ..where im at now..but i know there are cheaper places..and it would be logical to move..but i cant think about anything and im tired and worn out from thinking and trying to figure things out..and i just want to lay down and never get back up again..i really dont..
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