just my rambling

well i am feeling a bit better today..i think it did help to get out of the hosue ..even if it was just to go to work..it helped..and being around ppl where i had to talk helped to...still not completely ok..but better..

talked to someone at work about the taxes stuff and i got to refill out forms today...and that will be one less thing to worry about at least...and also asked the about how i would be filing taxes from two different states and they told me i needed to call the irs but they thought i would most likely have to file in both states..which is fine..i just dont know what to do about it..so some time in the next few weeks i need to get that figured out..spcially if i know that i will be getting a refund back from my nc job ....not sure about the va job yet but since they have taken so many taxes out..maybe ill get two refunds ! and maybe just maybe ill use some of that money to buy a computer! that would be super awesome..when do taxes start anyway..cas i should plan my next trip home around getting that done...maybe ill take off a couple days of work..but that is still fair enough away in the future that i dont have to worry about it right now..

its supposed to rain and freeze and what not tonight..so im thankfully safe in the apartment with the heat on...i need to get better about keeping the heat on now that its staying cold..and i also need to work better on wearing a jacket..and warmer clothes..

cant believe tomorrow is the last day of 2009..wow..what will 2010 bring? will it be a better year?

just feeling really hopeless...and not ok...

have razors again too

i dont know whats going on with me right now :(

home, christmas and back to work

christmas eve wasnt a good day in the end..chhristmas was better and was able to control the anger a bit better..didnt cut while at home..but have razors again..and now that im back at my house things are feeling a bit quieter and i dont know just quiet i guess..need time to regroup from the trip home and cant do that until umm next week...sad but i think we will be rescheduling t and pdoc from next week cas of money..trying to be ok with that..but i know it needs to be done or else ill just worry and worry and worry about money and all that..cas the way thigns are looking right now i wont even have all the money we neeed for rent on time..ugh..seriously my goal is to catch up onfinanaces next year and learn to budget ... but really eevery since the accident funds have been all over the place..and i need to get the taxes thing in order so yeah..and wow im rambling a lot right now..sorry for jumping ahead into next week already..but i need to plan since i keep worrying about all of it..im having trouble letting things go again..ive been worrying more lately..and the huge anger issue athome the other night was a little bit concerning..but i dont know what is causing it...

ok but to back track a little bit..christmas day was pretty fun..with my brothers and sister and opening gifts and all talking and trying to show each other everything at once..im super excited cas we got 2 gift cards to barnes and noble and new books, a watch, clothes of course, a talking coffee mug that makes my day, a poster of edward lol from my brother, new cooking stuff, a sock monky bookmark! its so cute, scarves, fuzzy socks, mittens, calendar, candy lol..but it was fun..and thn i went to work and the girls gave me things too and it was nice and fun..they made me laugh a lot last night, and i went and borrowed 4 books from one of the girls lol..im set for things to read for now :)..and it was kinda interesting working without my shift partner last night..and even more astonishing that the girls tell me im there favorite..me ?! really ?! but a couple constantly tell me that..and as soon as i got there yesterday i had them tell me that they had waited all day for me to come and had been upset when i didnt show up yesterday morning with my shift partner lol..but it really does surprise me how much i geniuly care about the girls in my group..so fast

so im still laying in bed..feeling tired..but trying to relax a little before having to get ready for work..i promised the girls i would cook a better dinner tonight for them..and i will. i do like cooking for them most days ! and we have so much ham left over there! goodness..and i hate that it will ahve to go in the trash..im like really?! i will bring it home before i let it be thrown away..that is one thing that kills me about my job..like the girls almost always have tons of left over food from meals..but they only have one day a week where they can actually eat left overs..and if its been in the fridge for 3 days we are supposed to trash it...doesnt matter what it is...and if we cook on monday and its somethign they really like..it will be thrown away before they can even eat it again..and so its a lot of food that is thrown away there..and so i try when i can to bring left overs home..it makes no sense to me you know to just throw it away when its still perfectly fine..and good..and edible..there are some things that are so gross like vegtables that i would never bring home lol..but there are some things that we do like and when we cook a lot of something at work i try to bring some home for yvonne too..but yeah..loads of ham left from yesterday that will most likely get thrown away tonight or tomorrow..so yeah..

dusti is happy im back lol..i can tell

hmm cant think of anything else to talk about though...going go warm up food before getting ready for work..and then off i go !

todays thoughts

feeling pretty quiet today...and sore lol...thinking alot about different things..which is never a really good idea at all...maybe i just need to go and take a nap or something? its only 12 and it feels so much later than that..sad that the snow is melting and that its all sunny today..didnt want the sun to come back ..but i guess if i have to go home on wed then i need the sun to melt the snow! so i can drive and not have mommy freaking me out..she already told me not to go and lpay in the snow cas i could fall and get hurt yeah ok..im not gonna go play in the snow cas i could fall ?! i fall everytime i get around snow! and it hasnt hurt me yet..so just had to ignore that one..because it was nice being outside..in the snow and having fun..which is prolly why im so sore and achy today..

yvonnes bf will be out by the fiirst of the year..and that makes me really happy...he has be in out apartment since i got here and so it will be nice for him to go..and im going to h ave to talk to yvonne about him giving back his key cas if he has his own palce he shouldnt be here without her..i think that is worrying me a little bit..

yvonne has been letting me use her computer ..and we talked a little about my future of owning a mac lol..and she mentioned waiting until tax free weekend and all of that..which i hadnt thought of at all..cas im only thinking short term and wasnt at all thinking long term lol..but it does make sense to wait and save up..well i knew i wouldnt be getting a laptop next week or anything lol..but she brought up the future trip to new york..and i really want that..more than a new computer ...so the trip has to come before the computer..which is fine and all..i just needed to be reminded of what i had going on and what i was planning for..i mean ive already looked up train tickets, and the show prices..and the awesome seats are like $168 i think..but they are up there and i want to sit in the front..i do i do i do..if i have to save and if im postivie im going, then it is going to be the most awesome trip ever..and ill save from jan till sept to make it work...and since ive conned yvonne and oompaas and my sister into possibly going..i have a lot of planning to do! so i just need to not forget and start wanting other stuff..cas that will happen to and i know i kinda stick at controlling impulses...big time...i want so much..and just kinda blow up what i need..so yeah...thats what i have to work with...

trying hard not to think about going home because that will lead to being overly stressed and anxious...trying hard just not to think..cas the past few days the depression has been back and forth but when its at the front of my head it is pretty bad..i wonder if the cymbalta can make the lexapro not work anymore? or maybe its not the right dose yet..but its not working ..or helping..and i think its making me feel a little worse but im not sure..i still have another week or so before seeing the pdoc to figure out if it helps or not..had to fight myself last night not to take any more than i was supposed to of the sleep med..because i kept thinking i wanted to sleep and one just wasnt enough...so yeah..assumming my head is a bit not ok right now...and as much as i like the snow it is leaving me feeling really trapped..closed in sorta..i cant leave and go out..but i spent a lot of time outside yesterday and it didnt really help the fear that was setting in..it was just the fact that i was trapped inside that started to get to me as the day wore on...maybe im just super weird and cant really have a completely nice thing without something making it not ok i dont know

but tomorrow its back to work so im going to try hard to make today as relaxing as possible...and then its work monday and tuesday..and then home w,t,f, and i have to drive back really on friday so it wont be a lot of time at home that day..cas i have to work friday evening..and i said i would come in early to help cook dinner...and i dont mind that at all..because i do enjoy them when they arent all at each others throats..and thats less time i have to spend at home..

so my goal for the day is just straightening up..and doing laundry...i realize i dont have a lot of time next week to get it done so it needs to be done today so i can start packing and what not..

i also need to reschedule my labwork appt..cant make it there next week..and i want to do as little driving in the snow as possible..because im just not used to it and it scares me..so ill reschedule...and hopefully will keep the next appt..

so yeah..i guess thats all my rambles for today..i think there are so many thoughts going on in my head today that everything is just kinda quiet and still...

snow day!!

it snowed here in va yesterday and some of today..yvonne says we got over a foot of snow..we are kinda snowed in ..well the cars are covered but people are just kinda digging themselves out of the snow if they need to go somewhere..but im not driving today or tomorrow..i dont plan on driving until i have to actually show up at work and thats only cas i have too! ugh..i had to drive last night to get back home while it was snowing and it freaked me out big time..it was highly stressful and anxiety provoking and really hard to see cas it was dark when i was coming back home..so i like the snow i do..but i know that i really need to prepare better for it..like i dont have anything to get ice and stuff off of my windshield..and stuff for an emergency..i mean ive never been in snow like this and so theres a lot i dont know..but i guess ill be learning and learning fast..
but the snow has been has a lot of fun..just with like playing in it and stuff..i have been the ringleader of that..i wanted a fort and so everyone has helped me build one..we are still only about half way done with it but we so have a fort in the works :) it is fun..it was a lot of fun actually..and have had numerous snowball fights..and just in general goofing off in the snow..

but here are some pictures of all the snow

....just to much to deal with

im trying to pull my thoughts together to actually write and get some things out..so i guess ill apolgfize now for rambling horribly..im really tired right now..i actually woke up at a decent hour this morning but after being up and running a few errands this morning im home and just worn out already..

i keep thinking about what happened the other night and it just frustrates me..that i was so easily lead into arguing with a kid..and it wasnt the argument really..it was just how defensive i felt that made me want to argue and argue and keep arguing because i was right and she wasnt..and it wasnt even a big deal but i was mad..she was mad first for some other reason but it came out over the stupid video game..and then i got mad and just yelled right back at her..given she was way more disrepectful in her yelling because to state her point she went and just had to start cursing at me..which i dont like anyway..and so yeah..it wasnt cool at all..i was mad..i am mad..frustrated..disappointed..ugh..because this was from one of the kids i actually liked you know..its common knowledge in the cottage that she likes me ..hmm adult figure type like...but that she does..and so to have her blow up at me like that was unexpected and really hurtful :(..and yeah i took it incredibly personal..i did..and i completely admitted that to my supervisor when i talked to her about it..but once i cant past the anger at having my feelings hurt ..i realized it was more of the having to defend myself that made me feel more agitated and anxious..because then it wasnt completely about the kid anymore ..i was way back into needing to defend myself to stay out of trouble..once it got to needing to defend myself i knew i was in trouble and it all just goes down hill from there..and so thats why the agitation was so bad the other night...i dont like feeling like i need to defend myself .. i really dont...it puts me on edge.it makes me think im wrong..when i knew i wasnt in this particular case..i wasnt wrong..i was doing my job and she was just taking her anger out on me..which wasnt ok at all either..and i guess i had just gotten to comfortable with them..and kinda just forgot that they have there issues to and even though its been a good few weeks, there blow ups can happen over any thing..and be directed at anyone...but it still doesnt make it ok at all...one of the other s taff that was there that night went with her to her room..and talked to her about how she was acting..and made her apologize in front of the group to me..but i didnt believe her apology at all..i really dont..because she didnt mean it..because she did it only because she had to..and because she went and laughed the entire time she talked and didnt once look at me..i told her ok after she was finished but i did not tell her i accepted her apology at all..because i didnt...i went outside for a few minutes before the apology because i thought i was going to cry i was so upset...but came back in and finished what i was needing to do..but i was just out of it for the rest of the night..i didnt want to be bothered or talked to..and couldnt deal with any of the other girls being around me or to close to me..i had to tell one girl to not hug me without asking..and she apologized for the girl who had been so rude to me.which was nice..but it didnt really make me feel better..my shift partner told me not to let it get to me..but i cant not ..because i cant sit there and explain why it is that it bothers me so much..and it all pertains to past stuff..not all present stuff..its hard to skip over the missing details and expect to be understood..and i think that is why i had such issues talking to my supervisor about what happened and how i wasnt dealing with it..she also told me not to take it personal, that it wasnt about me..etc etc..which is true but at the time thats not what i wanted to hear..i know its not about me..i know im there to work with the girls ..but i have stuff going on to and not being able to talk about it or be understood completely puts me in a really hard spot..i dont want to spill my life story to my supervisor..i really dont..because its not her business..but in refusing to share then that means i have to get used to not being understood completely ... its like im just setting myself up to fail and its not fair..i would lose my job if they thought i couldnt handle it because of my own mental health issues..and i like my job...and i dont know what to do about it...i went to work yesterday..almost was late but managed to get there just on time..and it was like i didnt want to be there..i was detached for the majority of yesterday from my group, from my shift partner..just from everything..i was quieter than usual for work..and im sure some of the girls picked up on it...the particular girl who got into the yelling match with me stayed away from for almost all of yesterday..i didnt talk to her unless i had to, i talked to all the other girls..and just couldnt give in enough to talk to the one girl..so i didnt ...i told my supervisor i was mad at her and so i just wasnt going to talk to her for the day..but i also think that the girl knew what she had done was really wrong..and she didnt know how to really make up for it..and so she just stayed away from me..she was really quiet yesterday and where she is normally right next to me for most of the day when im working..i rarely saw her...and so last night before she went to bed i just went and told her that i was disappointed with her, and still upset with her for how she acted..i told her we were ok but that im not gonna just you know stop showing up for something..but that it wasnt cool and that i didnt want it to happen again..she said ok..so i think a couple days away from them all will be good..give me time to process and try hard to let it go..but im just not sure about it..i need to let it go because if i dont it will just bother me ..and i think in general im back to being ok with the kid..because no its not worth it to hold the grudge..even if i want to hold it..but just the defensive feelings im having a hard time letting go..what it makes me think about ..etc..that i dont want to let go..the upset i dont want to let go..and i may have the most horrible memory ever..but im pretty sure ill remember the feelings associated with the other night..i will...just because of how much it brought up..i later pushed it away..and tried to ignore it ..but it was still pretty obvious something was up with me..and i made it home and everything without seeing my roommate or her bf cas i was afraid if either of them had said anything to me i would have blown up or had a melt down..had to control myself big time and not take to many meds to quiet my head when i got home..the urge is there..and im trying to keep the thoughts out of my head..but its not easy..

mommy is up to her usual tricks it seems...demanding my time to do stuff for her..telling me what i should and shouldnt do..etc..its stupid..it sucks..its not fair..and it makes me tired...everything makes me tired..not to mention it makes me feel crazy needing to be on meds..and maybe its just the waiting to find the right combo and having to try so many options before the right one is found that bothers me more...cas i think it will be a lot of switching things around i guess..if the cymbalta doesnt help..and im not even sure i know how to tell if it is helping..i feel the same..just tired..i sleep more but im still tired..i dont know..i dont want to eat..maybe ill keep the cymbalta just for that ..

the meds are ok i guess..havent broken out with a rash or anything weird...i dont think there has been any change at all..except for sleeping through the night..so no idea what to talk to the pdoc about tomorrow..i see t and pdoc tomorrow..fun ..well i kinda really want to see t because i didnt see her at all last week..and it makes me anxious not to talk to someone during the week..which i hate admitting..but i think its wearing on me a little..not being able to keep a stable safe place yet..and i know its just scheduling issues that get in the way ..but still its bothering me..for as much as i dont talk..you would think i would be thrilled to not have sessions every week..but i think its just something at going and it being there and an option that calms my head down..and so not having it and all the time and space inbetween sessions starts to just leave things crowded in my head

hard couple days..

im glad im off ttoday and tomorrow

zoning

im dragging with getting ready for work today..really am..i dont know..im ok just kinda blahish too..which i noticed last night..and one of the girls kept asking me if i was ok..cas i would tend to just kinda sit and stare if nothing had my attention completely...its like im getting lost a little in my head..and i end up just kinda doing nothing for a bit..i dont know..i mean im not sad..but i guess im kinda presenting that way..im a bit more quiet than usual..and thats saying a lot cas im not that talkative anyway..but yeah i dont know ..

ooh we got the wii last night lol..well the cottage did...and it was fun..i played the mario kart one with the steering wheel..and then they played bowling and stuff..but it was fun :) im sure we will play again today at some point.

long night

tonight is what i would call a very very late night..i ended up staying over at work for almost an hour just trying to finish paperwork and talking and all that..its overtime so im not to worried or feel overwhelmed about it..i was feeling rather awake for that hour..so it was pretty ok...but work tonight was ok overall..one of the girls had a breakdown and ended up talking to me for almost an hour..i really did just want to get up and hug her but i couldnt..but she was in tears talking to me..and she had a lot on her mind..cas she said it all..and i actually told her that i had been in therapy and that it was hard..and that i knew where she was coming from..i think that helped but it was hard cas then i felt completely vulnerable and out there..and i was trying hard to control my reactions..but i think i did ok..but then the time just flew by..and it was time to go and i wasnt finished of course an so stayed..but she did tell me that i should be a therapist.. all i did was listen and well advise ..

and then i creeped myself out big time..cas i needed to go to the atm and its after midnight..and the one i find without going out of the way was an atm that was not a drive up on..so i had to get out of the car and go and stand at it..and i was so scared and creeped out and the longer i stayed there the more creeped out i got! i can make myself paranoid pretty quickly cas yeah..not cool at all and next time ill so go to a drive through one..

but now im home and waiting for the meds to kick in..im tired..but not sleep tired yet..

not incredibly happy

just wasnt up for doing anything atall today :( after that appt this morning..well the pdoc is ok..shes nice enough..her questions were what set me off and they should have been expected..but i was more worried about going and meeting her than the actual wquestions ..so it was unexpected..and hard..really hard..all the abuse questions..a couple the doc gave up on getting me to answer because i couldnt..had to keep telling myself to calm down and relax and that it was ok..and it didnt help and it was pretty bad emotional wise i guess..it caused a lot of upset feelings ..and a lot of remembering what hadnt been thought about since leaving the other t..so not good this morning...she added 2 new meds...one for sleeping and one for the depression..and all three together i have learned will be almost 200 dollars a month ... shocked the crap out of me..2 of them dont have generics and im assuming that even with insurance im paying full price for them..ugh ...so that is going to take a lot A LOT of planning to make it all work..and then with seeing the pdoc and various t's im just feeling a little overwhelmed ...i see both the new t and new pdoc next week..and my old t did manage to move my appt for me so im going home only once..thankfully..

and old t did call me today..which was unexpected and made me really happy and i told her some of what was going on and the changes but it wasnt a phone session..just a touch basis type thing cas i kept emailing her bits and pieces..and so yeah..she called me actually before she got the message about needing to change appts..so it was nice..and she told me that if the pdoc hasnt asked all those questions she wouldnt have been doing her job...i wasnt to pleased with that observation
..im worried about the med changes a little bit..just reaction wise...but i was expecting it..so i guess that may make it a little easier..

and the pdoc wants me to go and get bloodwork drawn to have my thyroid and what not checked to rule out any physical issues..and so i have scheduled that for friday so that i can get it out of the way and not stress about it..

so i technically start all the new stuff tomorrow..but the sleeping one i took tonight as i was leaving work so that i wouldnt be up half the night just worrying about stuff...

so we will see i guess
just stressed a lot right now and trying to stay in control because that is the most important thing for us..is control..and seeming in control..and not losing it..and yeah..its just getting harder and harder

ugh

i dont want to see the psychiatrist today..i dont .

actually im just scared and feeling really sick right now...like the whole nine yards, dizzy, headache, nauseous ..very nauseous ..and i just want to go back to bed

awesome picture

i got it in an email and had to keep it :)

daily rambles

wow..it feels so late and i feel so drained right now! but its not even 7 yet and i just want to go back to bed..ugh..just been a pretty quiet day..no going outside since earlier yesterday..and i realized a bit late that i was prolly back in isolating mode..but oh well..its back to work tomorrow and i guess im ready..but it still makes me feel a tad bit overwhelmed..essh...but i did good this weekend..i actually cleaned up! and got all my laundry done..well the last load is in now but i actually did it all and i can see my floor and its so nice lol..

i ffell asleep earlier and really it turned into a 3 hour nap..which i guess i needed but im still tired..but i know ill be feeling more awake later on and then unable to sleep..oh well i guess..

watched a little bit of monsters inc tonight..and then got distracted and stopped watching it and played sims yet again..but given up on that for now..and just online doing stuff..maybe go and lay down and read for a bit soon..

i dont know im feeling a lot quieter than usual..not sure what to say..to much to say and so i dont say anything at all..

im trying harder to be more sociable with yvonnes boyfriend ..im trying ..thats all i can promise..with that one..

hmm pdoc this week but no therapy...im on the waiting list for therapy and if i can be squeezed in ill go..but it not its ok i hope..i realize that the week after that ill have therapy twice that week cas of seeing both the old and new t's ...and then the week after next is the week ill be heading home for a few days for 'christmas' and then i guess ill need to figure out if mommy is actually coming up here for christmas..i hope not but we will see...yvonnes grandparents will be here for like a week or so around christmas too..and im glad i have to work..but i do like them..so im not to worried about that..

but other than that..things are ok i think..not horrible..not great..just kinda moving along..

yes. today is a lot better. im very very glad for that.

and it is a very proud feeling being able to go and pay rent.

i knew something was bothering me

maybe i can actually write something that makes sense ...

you know with the meds and well missing that one day and feeling so horrible..i know for a fact that the meds stop me from feeling super uber depressed and suicidal..and that should be a good thing..why isnt it a good thing? why dont i let it be a good thing? how can i miss feeling that bad? that one day of feeling absolutely horrible made me realize that it has been a while..that my feelings that were so comfortable in all there wrongness and badness werent there anymore..why would i want them back ? now? when i should be feeling safer and calmer? oh i dont know ..i really dont..i have no idea why im even thinking of any of this..its all so depressing and yet its what i know..its the feelings that im am comfortable with..and the neutral things are just kinda moving along feelings are bothering me a lot..because i am so out of my comfort zone i want to go back to the feelings that i know..and can understand...i dont like all the new feelings..all the this will be ok feelings..they arent mine and i dont want them..i just dont..

but i was thinking about it this morning ..something different .. and its the list of rights that the new t gave me that is bothering me so much..she wants me to read them every day..and thats no biggie..i can read them..i can read them 50 times a day and it still would make no difference..i would still refuse to really truly believe any of them..i think they are lies..like someone just sat down and thought of every single thing that i didnt believe and put it in one nice little list just for me to have and ignore..i should believe them though..they are true..i do have those rights..just like everyone else..but i read them and consider them all wrong..theres something about them that i dont like and so i cant believe them..they arent true and if i hadnt said i would read them i wouldnt even be looking at them..i read them and can see mommy telling me they are wrong..that i dont deserve anything..i have to earn respect and love and caring..all things that i dont really go after ...and it still surprises me when im told im trusted..when im told im good or caring or i have patience..no i dont ..im not any of those things..everyone is just lying to me and its not fair..why cant everyone just see things my way and leave me alone about it . maybe i dont want to change..has anyone thought of that? or bothered to ask me that? :snoopy no thats not fair..its not a fair questions. because my therapist ask me again and again what i want and i cant tell them anything..the words are still locked in my throat and i cant say them..because its wrong..because its attention..because i just cant say any of it..i think i want to much..i always want..im not happy with what i have..i have to want and want and want..no..im just used to wanting..because i cant be contained..because love can be bought and sold and its just a matter of who is offering the highest price at the time..gosh..sometimes..sometimes the depth of feelings is so overwhelming..so surprising and scary..things i know i shouldnt think or want..and i do..they are all there still hiding in my head..just waiting to slip into my thoughts..or twist things around until the worst things seem completely ok and completely attainable..somehow the wrongness of wanting to die isnt that important...but figuring out how to do it is...figuring out triggers isnt as important as occasionally making sure i walk right into them..just for the effect it causes..all things i should know not to do..all things ive been told again and again to stop doing and i wont..i cant..i cant have them and so i want it more..i cant deal with emotions on a more normal basis and so i just make things worse for myself..i should talk like a normal person and i cant..i should i should i should and i cant..i cant do anything and yet im still alive..i still manage to get out of bed in the morning and eventually make myself focus enough to go to work..i was distracted enough at work today that i wasnt watching the clock..but some days all it is, all i can do is move through my day in hopes that it will become late enough that i can safely go to bed..thats all im after..an escape..i still want an escape and i havent found one...i get so mad at my old t ..because i cant talk to her..i want to talk to her..i do and i cant and it hurts a lot ..

i accidently cut my finger the other day while cooking...i dont know what i was thinking holding the knife like i was..but i knew ..i had thought i was going to end up cutting myself if i wasnt more careful..and i did..it was so surprising..pain and then nothing..it was a small cut..but a little deepish..but i look at it and wonder if it will scar..i look at the girls i work with who i know are cutters and i look for there scars..i want to know if they are like mine..if they can be seen or felt..i always worrry people will be able to feel my scars through my clothes..i get anxious if anyone touches my arms ..i get paranoid that every one has figured it out but no one questions me on it..would i even bother lying if they did ? would i even care enough to try to come up with some lie? i got a good look at my arms this morning..and i felt nothing..my arms are ruined and will never be fixed..i hoped before that the scars would fade in time..but i really looked at them today and i know that they wont..not really...the ones on my lower arm have been there for almost 9 years and they are just as obvious as ever..so the ones higher up are not ever going to go away..i will be hiding then forever..because who is going to understand..in my day to day life..why i cant wear a lot of stuff..or do a lot of stuff..or go to have a shot without freaking out about it? how can i explain the thinking and logic behind why they are there?

there is just to much tonight to have to deal with..

not really right

something really is bothering me a lot right now...and i guess it started yesterday evening sometime..because i had a lot of mood issues yesterday ..up and down and up again just to turn around and go back to being incredibly depressed and sad..which i really do think are two different things...i woke up feeling depressed and out of it..but not sad..i just dont want to do anything..my anxiety with the real world is kinda going through the roof right now and i have no idea why..

-sigh-

it hurts that im still only important when im needed to do something ... for someone else